The Blackest Shade of Gray
by Savanah Rose
Summary: After trading places & starting to work together in Dauntless Gray, Hana and Natalie get married and start their families. The hunt for Divergents heats up. Explanations for events and backstories for the series included. This story includes cameos of some the the characters you love (and love to hate) from the series.
1. Chapter 1 - Dauntless and Abnegation

**If you've read Dauntless Gray, you may want to skip to where it says Chapter 1. The beginning of this is a summary and a list of characters for anyone who hasn't read that story.**

 **Summary**

 **First, I do recommend that you read Dauntless Gray before you start this story, but if you don't have the time right now to read a 64-chapter book and you want to jump right in to this one, here is what you need to know from Dauntless Gray. Dauntless Gray and The Blackest Shade of Gray are intended to be canon. At times you will even see quotes from the original books to back up what I have done in my story.**

 **Dauntless Gray is the story of Hana, Zeke's and Uriah's mom. She originally came from Abnegation. She transferred to Dauntless the same year Jeanine chose Erudite, Tori left Erudite for Dauntless, and Andrew abandoned Erudite for Abnegation, which also makes it the same year Natalie went to Abnegation instead of Erudite.**

 **Hana works in the control room and discovered Natalie being in the wrong faction multiple times. When she actually catches her in Amity (during a game of Dare), she ends up being recruited by Natalie. Hana learns that Natalie came from the other side of the fence. She also knows a little about the Divergent. She helps Natalie from time to time, both from the control room and in person.**

 **In her personal life, she is best friends with Leeann Pedrad/Pedranov. Leeann has a brother named Nick and a cousin Eli. Hana is attracted to Eli, even though he is dating someone else. Jude, Eli's girlfriend, is… less than stable. She attacks Hana, but Eli and Nick save Hana. Eli breaks up with Jude, and a couple of months later, he asks Hana out. They date without their friends knowing it and end up getting engaged. After Jude finds out, she tries to kill Hana. Jude ends up dying after Eli and Chaz (Leeann's husband) save Hana.**

 **The last chapter of Dauntless Gray is Hana getting ready to leave for the Hub to marry Eli.**

 **Characters**

 **Because the books in the Dauntless Gray series are set pre-Divergent, they rely heavily on both younger versions of canon characters and on characters that I have created. I was asked early on in Dauntless Gray to leave reminders of who the non-canon characters were at the start of any chapter they were in, to help people remember.**

 **Here is, I think, a comprehensive list of ALL the characters, both canon and non-canon, who have appeared so far in Dauntless Gray. Faction of birth and faction of choosing are given at the beginning of each description. I will not be listing any of these characters at the beginning of any of the chapters of The Blackest Shade of Gray. All characters who show up at the beginning of a chapter of The Blackest Shade of Gray are non-canon (or obscure canon) characters that first show up in this book.**

 _ **Canon Characters-**_

 **Hana Wren (soon to be Pedrad)** \- _Abnegation/Dauntless_ Main character: she "traded places" with Natalie Wight at her Choosing Ceremony. She is aware that Natalie came from the other side of the fence. She helps her out in the control room, and sometimes in other places.

 **Natalie Wright (Soon to be Prior)** \- _Outside the fence/Dauntless/Abnegation_ She came from the Bureau (although so far she's only referred to it as the other side of the fence.) Hana saw her in the wrong faction, dressed like she belonged there; when Hana asked her about it, she then recruited Hana to help her. She is engaged to Andrew Prior.

 **Andrew Prior** \- _Erudite/Abnegation_ Engaged to Natalie Wright. Natalie put him forward as a possible council member.

 **Tori Wu** \- _Erudite/ Dauntless_ She was in Hana's initiation class. She still keeps in touch with her brother, George.

 **Max** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Currently he is the youngest leader of Dauntless, probably in his mid- to upper-twenties. He oversaw Hana's training.

 **Harrison** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ One of the trainers for Hana's initiation class.

 **Grace** \- _Abnegation/Abnegation_ Childhood friend of Hana's.

 **Jeanine** **Matthews** \- _Erudite/Erudite_ (same Choosing Ceremony as Hana) She tried out her Fear Serum on Hana's class. It doesn't work right… yet… She is Norton's protégé.

 **Norton** \- _Erudite/Erudite_ Erudite's leader. He has heart problems and has started telling Jeanine about the threat the Divergent represent

 **George** **Wu** \- _Erudite/?_ (Yes, we all know what he will choose, but we aren't there yet!) He still sees Tori even though they are in different factions. He will go through his Choosing Ceremony in approximately 2 years.

 **Bud** \- _?/Dauntless_ Tattoo artist and Tori's boss.

 **Gus** \- _Dauntless/?_ (although if you recognize the name, you know where he ends up) Currently 4 years old

 **Amar** \- _Dauntless/?_ (again, you should know where he ends up) currently 2 years old.

 **Niles** \- _?/Candor_ training to become the main questioner for people under truth serum in Candor.

 _ **My characters**_

 **Pedrads**

 **Eli** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Hana's fiancé and then husband for most of the book! :-) He works in Tech Support.

 **Leeann (Pedrad) Pedranov** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Eli's cousin and Hana's best friend. She works for Ava, one of the Dauntless leaders. She is married to Chaz.

 **Nick** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Leeann's older brother (same age as Eli).

 **Taylor** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Eli's mom, older sister of Nick's and Leeann's mom. We know Taylor is Dauntless-born because Leeann says both her family and Eli's took the Pedrad name from their moms and that the Pedrads started the zip line.

 **Abram** \- _?/Dauntless_ (Abram's home faction will, I think, come out in this book) Eli's dad and older brother of Nick's and Leeann's dad

 **Tonya** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ (deceased-suicide when Nick and Leeann were young) Nick's and Leeann's mom, Taylor's younger sister

 **Evan** \- _?/Dauntless/Factionless_ Nick's and Leeann's dad, Abram's younger brother. He was kicked out of Dauntless for basically abandoning his kids after his wife's death.

 **Great-Great Grandpa Gregor** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Eli's Great-Great Grandfather. He had a bias against transfers until he fell in love with one. He created the roof top garden for his wife. He wrote a letter that Nick gave to Eli, about falling in love with a transfer.

 **Great-Great Grandma Vi** \- _Amity/Dauntless_ Eli's Great-Great Grandmother. Went by Violet in Amity.

 **Hana's family**

 **Mom** \- ? _/Abnegation_ She doesn't have a name.

 **Dad** \- ? _/Abnegation_ He doesn't have a name either.

 **Gayle** \- _Abnegation/Abnegation_ Hana's older sister, member of Abnegation, recently selected to be a member of the council. She has a daughter named Jillian and is pregnant at the beginning of this book.

 **Stephen** \- _?/Abnegation_ Gayle's husband

 **Jillian** \- _Abnegation/?_ Gayle's daughter, she's 3.

 **Isaac** \- _Abnegation/?_ Hana's younger brother. He'll be Choosing in 2 years (in the same Choosing Ceremony as George).

 **Hana's Class**

 **Abilyn** \- _Candor/Dauntless_ She works in Factionless Patrol. She'll marry Ben the same day Hana marries Eli.

 **Bekah** \- _Erudite/Dauntless_ She is a nurse in the Infirmary, and will marry Conner the same day Hana marries Eli.

 **Angie Tucker** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ She works as cook (cake maker,) married to Rob.

 **Rob Tucker** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Married to Angie.

 **Chaz (Romanov) Pedranov** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Leeann's husband; he works in maintenance.

 **Kelly** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ former roommate of Hana's and now Tori's roommate; she's had crush on Nick since she was young. She works somewhere in the Pit.

 **Tyson** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Hana's only date besides Eli

 **Abe** \- _Candor/Dauntless_

 **Control room staff**

 **Sultana** \- _Erudite/Dauntless_ supervisor; also Rais's mother, Amar's grandmother

 **Miles** \- _?/Dauntless_ supervisor

 **Jeff** \- _?/Dauntless_ supervisor

 **Carly** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Good friend of Hana's. She's also she has been pointed out by Natalie is as possibly being Divergent. Gus's mother, married to Micah.

 **Conner** \- _?/Dauntless_ Co-worker of Hana's, also Bekah's fiancé (husband for most of the book)

 **Sue** _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Shawn** _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Dan** _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Jan** _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Bob** _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **April** \- _?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Phil** _-?/Dauntless_ Control room staff

 **Other**

 **Jazz** \- _Amity/Dauntless_ One of Hana's trainers, married to Rais, Amar's mother.

 **Rais** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ childhood friend of Eli's and Nick's, Amar's father, Sultana's son. He works on Factionless Patrol.

 **Jude** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ (deceased) Eli's ex-girlfriend. She was absolutely possessive about Eli and tried to kill Hana. She worked on Factionless Patrol.

 **Marley Hudson** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ Eli's ex-girlfriend, known as the rumor mill of Dauntless

 **Frank-** _?/Dauntless_ (Mentioned) Worked at the Tattoo Parlor with Bud. He died before Dauntless Gray started.

 **Zane** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ \- Jude's fiancé, Paula's ex-boyfriend. He works on Factionless Patrol. He looks a lot like Eli.

 **Trina** \- _Dauntless/Dauntless_ (believed deceased) Kelly's older sister. She was a Dauntless fighter and supposedly died during a bout. In reality, she is Divergent and was the first person Natalie rescued from the city.

 **Kat** \- _?/Dauntless_ Fought against Trina in her final bout; everyone believes her punch to the head killed Trina.

 **Paula** _-?/Dauntless_ Zane's ex-girlfriend. She lied for Jude when Jude was accused (correctly) of beating up Kelly, but later she told Kelly the "truth" of what she saw before Trina died. She works on Factionless Patrol.

 **Micah** \- _?/Dauntless_ Carly's husband, Gus's father.

 **Ben** \- _?/Dauntless_ Abilyn's fiancé/husband. He works Factionless Patrol with Abilyn.

 **Ava** \- _?/Dauntless_ One of the Dauntless Leaders

 **Mr. Wu** \- _?/ Erudite_ Tori's and George's dad

 **Mrs. Wu** _\- ?/Erudite_ Tori and George's mom. One of Norton's top 10. (meaning she has one of the ten highest IQ's in Erudite.)

 **Dr. Caroline** \- _Erudite/Erudite_ doctor who treated Hana when Jude gave her a concussion.

 **Daphne** \- _?/Candor_ one of the questioners at Marley's inquisition into Hana's accidents

 **Roger Hudson-** ?/Dauntless Marley's dad

 **Alix Hudson-** _?/Dauntless_ Marley's mom

 **Marisa** - _?/Erudite_ respiratory therapist, who treated Hana for smoke inhalation after the fire in the control room

 **Chapter 1 Dauntless and Abnegation**

When I came to the Hub for Gayle's wedding, and then again for Leeann's last year, it didn't strike me how different the wedding styles are for each of the factions as much as it does now.

Abnegation wears new clothing. That's all. It looks the same as what they wear every day, only they haven't worn it before. But they will wear it again: it will become part of their everyday wardrobe, and soon they won't be able to tell it from any other set of clothes in their closet.

Amity wears clothes that are too dressy to work on the farm. They are clothes that they will wear again, but only on special occasions. The girls all have flowers in their hair and some carry a handful of them. Each boy has a matching flower pinned to his shirt.

Candor dresses up. They arrive on the bus just like Abnegation, but their dresses are much fancier than those from any other faction. They are still black and white, of course, but the dresses have flounces and ribbons, bows and beads. I will have to ask Abilyn, sometime, if they honestly ever wear them again.

Erudite, Bekah confided in me when she was showing me her dress for the first time, thinks it is illogical to only wear a dress once. The outfits they wear today won't become part of their everyday wardrobe, but they _will_ be reused for board meetings, other people's Nuptials Day, funerals, and other special occasions. The dresses are longer and the detail work on them is more elaborate.

Dauntless wedding dresses tend to be crazier than all the other factions, of course. After all, we still have to jump on and off a train in them, plus we have to complete our first activity showing our bravery as a married couple.

Abilyn chose a super frilly dress- no surprise there. Her skirt comes to her knees and is layer upon layer of black tulle with sequins worked into it; the top is long-sleeved with more sequins.

Bekah's dress is more tailored, with a full skirt that comes to mid-shin on her. It's full, but without the fluff that Abilyn has. The bodice is fitted and has sleeves that end right at her elbows. I fully expect we'll see it on her again, on special occasions.

Leeann had _a lot_ of say in picking my dress- maybe too much say. I wanted to wear the dress I wore last year for _her_ wedding. I've never heard her groan so loudly as I did the day I made _that_ suggestion. She finally won the argument about the dress when she calmly acquainted me with the fact that she knows what Eli likes better than I do, so she would give me two options to choose from.

Of course _that_ idea didn't exactly work, either. The two dresses she me gave to pick from were so revealing that I had to remind her I was hoping my parents would come to the Nuptials Ceremony at the Hub, and I do not want to embarrass them. When we found the right dress, we both knew it. The base of it is a full body suit of tank top and pants, with a long-sleeved jacket. I'm not sure what drew Leeann to it, but for me, it was definitely the skirt. It's a full skirt similar to Abilyn's, made up of layers and layers of a lacy material that falls to mid-shin on me, and because of the way the lace works on it, it is not just black, but it is also a very, very dark gray. It reminds me of the ring Eli gave me when he told me he didn't want me to completely lose the Abnegation parts of me that he loves.

Once we are on the train, Eli pulls me away from Leeann and Chaz and everyone else we share the car with, just far enough so that he can whisper, with a grin, that my dress is _perfect_ , so I know he sees the gray in it, too.

It is our names posted outside of the Choosing room at the Hub that _finally_ makes everything feel real to me. Leeann fussed and preened over me all morning at Dauntless and then went through half of it again after we jumped off the train, to the point that even _I_ realize I look pretty. But even all of her efforts didn't make the fact that Eli and I are getting married today seem more real than seeing it posted where my parents can see it, too.

I look over at Eli and grin. He smiles back, but I can tell he's still not happy that I won't hold his hand or kiss him today, at least not here at the Hub, until after we are married. At least he understands that this is because I'm hoping my parents will be here. I'm just more comfortable following Abnegation behavior before the ceremony for their sake.

I look around, hoping to see at least one of them, but they are harder to spot here than they are at Visiting Day, because here there are many other people dressed in gray.

The first people that I know in gray are Natalie and Andrew. They stand close to each other, but in typical Abnegation style, they don't touch. Ava stands near them, talking, but there's no one in blue near them. I wonder where Andrew's family is.

The next person I see in gray is Marcus Eaton. He is between Gayle and me in age, but he's the type of person that everyone knows. He seems to draw people to him; he has the type of personality that people trust and follow. I never have been able to figure out why I don't… There is a girl I don't know standing near him. She's not pretty in the conventional sense, and being in Abnegation certainly hasn't helped her, but they stand close enough that I wonder if they are getting married today. Parents in blue stand next to them, so I think they are. If she transferred from Erudite, then they would be her parents.

I keep looking, searching for someone else in gray. I see Mom first. She came! Then I see Dad next to her, and Gayle with Stephen, and Isaac. My eyes fill with tears. They came. They _all_ came.

I get Eli's attention; he smiles at me and follows me over to my family.

I bob my head to each of them. Mom's eyes, like mine, have tears in them. "Mom and Dad, this is Eli."

Eli nods to them like we practiced.

They bob their heads back.

"My sister Gayle, her husband Stephen, and my brother Isaac," I introduce each of them in turn. I smile at Gayle as I notice her expanding waist from my new niece or nephew.

"Eli." Mom smiles at him. Dad eyes him almost suspiciously.

Leeann bounces up and tugs on Eli's arm. "Aunt Taylor says she needs to talk to you."

"Tell Mom I'm with Hana's parents, and I'll be there soon."

"You're Taylor and Abram's son." Mom confirms. The tone of her voice tells me that Gayle must have mentioned something to her.

"Yes," Eli answers.

"Why didn't we ever meet you on Visiting Day?" Dad is wary.

"I'm in tech support. On Leeann's and Hana's Visiting Day, I was called in on an emergency. The next two years, I was scheduled to work since I didn't have any family members who were initiates."

I can tell Dad is wondering why Eli didn't tell them we were dating so he could have the day off to meet them, or if we are getting married after dating less than six months. I'm not sure how to explain Dauntless' dating customs to my dad. I know he'd approve of how Eli and I dated if he compared it to that.

"Do you mind if I come with you and say 'hi' to your mother again?" Mom asks.

"That's fine," Eli smiles at her, a much smaller smile than normal, but I can tell it is sincere. "She mentioned to me that she hoped to see you again."

Eli, Mom, and Dad walk off together, leaving me with Gayle, Stephen, and Isaac.

Mom and Taylor talk together, but Dad and Eli are off to the side, talking separately.

I look at Gayle. "What's Dad doing?"

Stephen laughs a controlled Abnegation laugh. "My guess is that he's trying his hardest to intimidate a Dauntless with the same, 'Don't mess with my daughter' speech he gave me."

I look over at Stephen in disbelief. "What?"

"Your dad is a little protective over his girls." Stephen smiles at Gayle. "He read me the riot act when I asked him if I could marry your sister." He cranes his neck to see Dad and Eli. "I think he's even more concerned about you, since he isn't there with you. He supported your decision to go to Dauntless, but he's still worried about what kind of a man you're going to find there to marry."

I shake my head. "So you think he's seriously trying to threaten Eli?" I can hardly keep the wonder out of my voice.

Stephen, Gayle, and Isaac all nod.

"Not that Eli would ever hurt me, but what would Dad do, if it came to that?"

Stephen looks at me seriously, like he can hardly believe I'm asking the question. "He'd do whatever he could, even if it meant him dying."

My eyes cloud with tears again. That sounds like my selfless Abnegation father.

I look at them both, standing there, my father and my fiancé. I wonder if Eli will tell Dad how he protected me from Jude. As long as Eli leaves out the part that he ever dated Jude, the fact that he saved me from her should convince Dad I'm in good hands.

I train my eyes on Gayle. "Remember a couple of years ago when I told you I found out the person who who attacked the Candor boy was Dauntless and not Factionless?"

Gayle nods, her brow wrinkled in confusion at the change of subjects.

"Remember how I told you that Nick and _Eli_ were keeping an eye on me?"

Gayle's eyes round in remembrance, and there is a faint glimmer of something in her eyes- maybe it's understanding? Maybe the memory serum that Natalie said Gayle was given after she told her about Eli doesn't work as well as Natalie thinks it does. "I'll let Dad know," she tells me.

I take a deep breath. I hadn't planned on telling them this, but I want to make sure Dad understands that Eli will keep me safe, that he would never hurt me, that he would also die for me. "Gayle, she tried to kill me. More than once. Eli saved my life."

"Is that why…?" Stephen doesn't seem to be able to finish his sentence.

I shake my head emphatically. "No. We were already engaged when that happened."

Isaac looks over at Dad and Eli, then back at me. "You don't think Eli will tell Dad he saved your life, do you?"

I press my lips together. "I'm not sure."

"We'll make sure he knows," Isaac assures me. "I'm glad you have him."

Mom, Dad, and Eli come back to where I am waiting fairly quickly. Eli looks amused at something; Stephen must be right: Dad must have threatened him. But Dad looks more relaxed. I'm hoping it means their conversation went well.

The hallway is beginning to clear. "We should go in and sit down," Mom says softly. She touches my face, and then suddenly surprises me by pulling me into a hug. "I love you," she whispers. I hug her back, trying to remember the last time she hugged me.

Gayle hugs me quickly, too. "I have the strangest feeling that I know he's a good guy," she whispers in that brief moment.

"He is," I whisper back, wondering again if she remembers some of what Natalie told her about Eli when they went and to meet the people on the other side of the fence together.

Stephen nods at me and follows Gayle and mom. Isaac awkwardly hugs me next, but says nothing.

Dad… Dad just looks at me for a moment. I think about nodding good-bye to him and walking off, but suddenly I feel myself pulled into my father's arms. "I love you. If you ever need me, I'm still here for you." I blink back tears as he pulls away.

Then Dad surprises me again. He holds out his hand for Eli to shake. "I'm trusting you to take care of her." Then he takes my hand, without letting go of Eli's, and puts them together. He walks off and leaves us holding hands.

This year, it's Max's turn to do the Dauntless ceremony at the Hub. As he starts calling names, I notice again the scar that runs through his eyebrow, the scar he got during my initiation when he and Jude were attacked by the Factionless man while they were on patrol. A shiver runs through me at the thought of Jude.

Eli looks at me from the corner of his eye; then he slowly reaches his hand out to my leg, rubbing my thigh to comfort me.

Fortunately, we are far enough down the list of couples, that I have myself calmed down by the time Max calls our names. "Hana Wren and Eli Pedrad." We stand up in front of him. "Does anyone know of a reason Hana Wren and Eli Pedrad should not be married?" His voice booms.

For a moment I hold my breath, expecting to hear Jude or maybe Marley speak up, but Jude's not here. She's gone forever. And Eli made Marley promise to not show up at the Hub. So there is no response.

"By what name will you be known?"

Eli and I look at each other. He grins and I smile back. "Pedrad."

Max smiles back at us. "Hana Wren and Eli Pedrad have decided to join their lives and their names. They are now Eli and Hana Pedrad."

We turn around to face the cheering Dauntless, but I'm not looking at them. My eyes are fixed on the Abnegation section where my family sits. Isaac gives me a nod of approval. Gayle smiles, _really_ smiles, like she used to when we were kids alone in our room. I see the tears in Mom's eyes as she keeps her Abnegation smile firmly in place. Once again, thought, Dad is the one who surprises me the most. He's smiling, but it's the tear that runs slowly down his cheek that astounds me.

As usual Dauntless takes off running with a whoop and a cheer as soon as the ceremony is finished. I'm starting to wonder if the majority of Dauntless simply can't handle being still that long and they all have to burn off the extra energy as soon as possible.

Before we take off, I look at again at my family, one more time, the family that I left behind. There is an ache in my heart. Getting married changes things with them again. No longer can I expect them to show up and see me on Visiting Day. When we- if we have kids- I'm expected go see them if I'm pregnant on Visiting Day, to let them know they are going to be grandparents, and then I am to take their grandchild one time so the grandparents can see him or her, and then that is it. After that, in order to "protect" the child from even knowing about their parent's original faction, I'm not supposed to have any more contact with them.

I might see Gayle or Isaac after that, if they decide to come on Visiting Day to let me know when our parents are dead.

So I take my brief glance of them smiling at me, and then I turn away. Dauntless- _Eli_ is my family now. He holds his hand out to me, and I take it. I am Dauntless now.

We chase after the rest of the faction, hand-in-hand, until we reach the stairs. We never talked about it, but we both know what is going to happen on them. We are almost to the bottom when I see the place. As soon as I start to jump over the railing, I feel Eli's sure hands on my waist, guiding me, making sure I make it over. They leave me for the barest of seconds while he jumps himself, and then they are back, steadying me.

When we reach the bottom he pulls me over to the side. His lips find mine for just an instant, and then he pulls back and whispers in my ear. "Don't ever do that without me."

Back in Dauntless, we have our own Nuptials Day rituals to complete. Eli rubs his thumb over the back of my hand to help keep me calm while we wait for our turn at the echo chamber. It doesn't take long before it is our turn; we yell our names into the chamber and listen to it repeat back, "Eli and Hana Pedrad," over and over. Eli stands behind me with his arms wrapped around me, holding me tight against him.

I close my eyes and listen to the wishes our friends yell after us.

"Long life!"

"Kids!"

"Happiness!"

"Safety!"

"Adventure!"

"Love!"

And then we're off to test our bravery together.

Eli and I separate for a couple of minutes while we get ready to do the ropes course that will be our brave activity for the day. Since we aren't actually trained like the rope walkers, we wear vests with ropes that are hooked onto the rope, just in case we slip.

When they have me ready except for attaching me to the rope, I head back to where I'm supposed to meet Eli. I recognize him from the back, tall with broad shoulders, but he doesn't have his vest on yet. I walk up behind him and put my arms around him. In that instant, I realize something is off, just a little. I'm not hugging Eli. I step back, ready to apologize, but the apology dies on my lips when I realize who I just hugged.

Zane.

His eyes brown eyes are filled with tears. He blinks hard. "Hana." His voice wobbles.

"Zane." I swallow hard. "I'm sorry, I thought…" My voice trails off as I hear Jude's voice taunting me. ' _Are you the_ _ **only**_ _person who doesn't realize how much Zane looks like Eli? Zane was always,_ _ **only**_ _just to get Eli jealous. I only made him propose to me because I thought it would make Eli realize what he's about to lose'_

Zane gives me a small smile. "It's okay. It's just ...for a second, I thought maybe…" he shakes his head. "I was just letting my imagination run away from me."

I wish I knew what to say. I can't tell him I'm sorry, because that would be a lie. I'm relieved that Jude is dead.

Suddenly he takes a step backward. "I've got to go." He turns around and leaves quickly.

I'm puzzled by his sudden departure until I feel a hand that I recognize on my shoulder. Eli.

"What did Zane want?" Eli asks softly.

"I'm not sure." I don't tell Eli that I mistook Zane for him. It was an accident. It didn't mean anything.

At the end of the day, we walk hand-in-hand to our new apartment in the Pire. Eli's grin hasn't left his face all day, and my smile hasn't left mine. Despite everything that has happened in the last couple of months, we made it. His thumb rubs up and down the back of my hand, like he can't believe I'm really here. I'm not sure I can believe it either.

We get to our new apartment up in the couples housing area of the Pire. The pressure of his hand stops me as I reach for the doorknob. He pushes me against the wall and kisses me. My arms wind around his neck, and I kiss him back. I'd rather he'd have waited until we were inside, but we _are_ Dauntless and we _are_ married, and I'm not about to stop him.

"We did it!" Eli whispers against my mouth.

I pull back just enough to nod, and then bring my mouth back to his.

Eli bends down, and suddenly I feel his arm behind my knees, as he lifts me up into his arms. He opens the door to our new home, the place he hasn't let me back into since I dropped off the majority of my things yesterday.

He sets me down, facing him, and he closes the door. Reluctantly he pulls away from me. "Hana…" His voice is nervous. What is he nervous about? Well, except for the obvious, maybe. "You're going to have to help me with this."

Eli turns me around.

What I see in that first moment is the two kitchen chairs pulled out from the table, sitting side by side, with a large bowl filled with water beside them. Two towels are tucked between them, along with a bar of soap.

I stare at them for a moment, and my love for this man grows even more.

"It was a long time ago when you explained the set up. Leeann and I tried to remember, but we're not sure that we remember exactly how you said it goes," Eli sounds unsure. "Do I need to change anything?"

Wordlessly, I shake my head. My fingers find his and I grip his hand tightly, then tug him to me and reach up on my tip toes to kiss him. When I left Abnegation, I never, _ever_ , expected this. It never crossed my mind that any man would be willing to give me an Abnegation wedding, even if it is just the two of us, behind closed doors. Of course, back then I didn't know Eli.

When we stop kissing, he leads me to the chairs. "Who goes first?" he whispers.

"You," I can hardly say the word around the lump in my throat.

He sits me down on one of the chairs and kneels in front of me. "I don't know what to say."

"I'll tell you."

He slips off my shoes and settles my feet into the water. It is _warm_. I look at him, genuinely puzzled. Except for those few moments getting ready for the ropes course, he's been by my side all day. There is no way this water can be warm.

"Leeann," he says simply, in answer to my unasked question.

I smile and shake my head, remembering the smile she gave me and the secret twinkle in her warm brown eyes when she left.

Eli's deep brown eyes look up at me expectantly.

I swallow hard and with my eyes fixed on his, I feed him the first line. "I am selfish. I want you to be mine and mine alone."

His hands and the soap are in the water. "I am selfish. I want you to be mine and mine alone." He smiles at me. I smile back, knowing he means what he says. We both mean it.

"If you can accept that, I will give myself to you selflessly."

Then his hands are on my feet. "If you can accept that, I will give myself to you selflessly."

"I will give you my heart and my devotion."

"I will give you my heart and my devotion." Eli's soapy fingers massage my feet as he cleans them. In that moment, it feels so good that I can hardly believe the Abnegation do this.

"I will give you my strength and my resources." My voice catches. He's given me so much of his strength lately.

Eli smiles back at me. I see the strength in his smile. I know no matter what the circumstances are, he will be there with strength for what I need. "I will give you my strength and my resources."

"I will give you my life," my voice catches and turns into a whisper, "and my love."

Suddenly, his hands leave my feet. He dries his hands on one of the towels and presses it against my check. "I will give you my _life_ _and_ my _love_."

For a moment we just sit like that, thinking about how close we came to him giving his life for me in the last month. Things with Jude could have turned out so differently.

"I will selflessly care for you above all others as long as we live." I turn my head and press my mouth to his palm.

"I will selflessly care for you above all others as long as we live." His hand turns my face back to him and we kiss.

"Hana," he whispers as we finally break the kiss. He sits back on his heels and takes my feet out of the water and dries them. He tugs me to my feet and we trade places.

I dry his feet and we stand together. I wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him towards me until our lips meet. Eli bends down far enough to hook his arms under my knees and lifts me into his arms again. He carries me to our bedroom and sets me down so that I stand with my calves against the bed. "Hana," his voice is soft, a whisper meant only for me, "just like always, you set the pace."

I smile back at him, my eyes blinking with unshed tears. I don't know what I did to deserve this, to deserve _him_. I know exactly what I want to do. It's what I've longed to do ever since the day we got caught in the rain- the first time, the only time- I've ever seen him without his shirt on. My trembling fingers find the buttons of his good shirt and undo them one at a time. I pull it off of his shoulders and down his arms.

That feeling that I get so often in my stomach when he is near me grows as I look at him. Suddenly, it blooms out and radiates over my whole body, and it's okay, because he's mine. He's my _husband_. Jude is dead. No one can ever take him away from me.

I look as his bare chest and then lean in and plant a kiss on it. Eli slowly turns me around and undoes the back of my skirt. I hear it hit the floor with a soft swish. His fingers burn on my skin as he hooks them under the straps of the tank top and slowly pulls them down, and the feeling grows, threatening to consume me. Then he turns me around and our lips fit together again. He gently moves me back on the bed. Soon there is nothing, not even air, between us.

We breathe together. My heart beats match his. I lose myself in him, becoming a part of him. My mother once told me that when it was right, and when you waited, the two become one.

We are one.

 **If you are new to my writing, I have been instructed by Bahrfamily, beta reader and friend extraordinaire, to make sure that you know about the foot-washing ceremony. The first thing I wrote for Fanfiction was "Random Voices Insurgent," where I took an idea I got from Cieyl (Drabbles #48) and applied it to the foot-washing scene in Insurgent. If you want to see how it started, check out Cieyl's work (it's worth reading even if she seems to have stopped forever at #50) and/or the first chapter of Random Voices Insurgent.**

 **Bahrfamily threated to quit as my beta if I didn't use it here. (Okay, she didn't really threaten me with that, she just told me it belonged here, too.) (And of course, she was right… as always… it does.)**

 **Also, you got two chapters today. (The last one of Dauntless Gray and this one.) This weekend is a holiday in the US and Bahrfamily and I are both spending time with our families during it. It may be a little longer than normal before I update, but I will be updating and then I should get back to the regular updates you are used to.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Nuptials Week

**Thank you for your patience. I know this was a lot longer than what you normally wait for an update. Hopefully it is worth it.**

 **On a related topic… with Dauntless Gray I was able to update about every 3 to 4 days. I start a new job next week, and I have no idea what that is going to do to my writing time right now. (I'm afraid it is going to reduce it.) So, at least until I know I can handle updating every 3-4 days, I'm moving to updating every 4 -5 days. Hopefully I'll find out I'm wrong, and I can go back to my "normal" updating.**

 **Thank you as always to the incomparable bahrfamily who edited this after a rough weekend and with three sick kids at home! That's dedication for you!**

 **Chapter 2 Nuptials Week**

Daylight streams in through the window. I'm home in Abnegation. I feel good, but I must be sick, if I'm in bed this late. Gayle moves, and suddenly I'm wide awake. Gayle and I have never shared a bed. Who is in this bed with me?

My eyes fly open. Everything I see is black. Black dresser, black nightstand…

Then memories of yesterday wash over me, and I relax. I know who's in my bed. I turn slowly so I can face him without waking him, but I didn't need to bother. He's already on his side, looking over at me. "Good morning, Beautiful," he greets me.

I smile and shake my head just a little at his choice of words. I want to protest that I'm not beautiful, but I don't feel like having an argument in bed our first morning. "Good morning."

His arm moves out and captures me as he shifts onto his back. He pulls me in so his chest becomes my pillow. I wrap my arm around him, and listen to the steady beat of his heart.

"Listen." Eli's voice is soft and commanding. "Do you hear what it is saying?

I try to figure out what he means. "What is it saying?" I finally ask.

"It's saying what it will say until it beats its last beat." His chest rumbles with his laughter, but then suddenly he's serious again. "Ha-na, Ha-na, Ha-na."

I lift my head up off his chest and look into his eyes. First our eyes meet, and then our lips.

* * *

We decide to leave the apartment for lunch so we can join our friends in the cafeteria, but Eli becomes more and more fidgety the closer we get.

"Are you okay?" I ask him when we get to the doors.

Eli sighs deeply and stops short of walking in, positioning us instead near the wall. "Hana, for what is about to happen, I am deeply sorry."

My brows pucker in confusion.

"Do you remember last year? The first meal Leeann and Chaz and Angie and Rob each showed up to?"

I shake my head. "They showed up late for lunch and I was working, if I remember correctly."

Eli leans his head against the wall. "You so, _so_ don't deserve what is about to happen."

"What is going to happen?"

"I never thought I would get married. That's my one and only excuse, and if I would have known that I was going to marry you…" he pauses, cupping my face in one hand and brushing his thumb over my cheek repeatedly, "I never would have done _any_ of what I'm about to get payback for."

I'm still confused, and Eli must see it.

"In Dauntless, it's a tradition to give newlyweds a hard time about when they decide to leave their room to show up for their first meal in the cafeteria. You _never_ show up for breakfast. People will make comments, suggestions, or flat out ask you how you can leave… um…" Eli plays with his lip ring for a second. I've caught on to where he's going with this, so the fact that he seems nervous saying this to me after last night and this morning is kind of cute.

"The bedroom?" I try supplying for him.

He nods. "So soon, and offer helpful hints. Sometimes pretty…um …specific hints."

"And you…?"

"I _always_ had something to say."

I shake my head at him. "We're going to get an earful, aren't we." It's a statement, not a question.

Eli sighs. "I'm _so_ sorry."

I take a deep breath. "It's not going to get any better the longer we wait here."

Eli shakes his head.

I reach out for his hand and weave our fingers together.

"Then let's get it over with."

"I'm sorry," Eli repeats as we walk into the room.

Leeann must have been watching for us. She jumps up from the table as soon as she sees us. "Good afternoon, Lovebirds." She grins and gives a hug first Eli and then to me. "Hi, cousin," she whispers in my ear.

I smile when she pulls back.

"So, here's the deal…" she begins. I notice the group has started morphing and moving as Leeann speaks to us. "We all talked, and Eli… _Eli_ deserves _everything_ he's about to get." Leeann wags her eyebrows at him.

"But _Hana_ doesn't deserve _any_ of it. We were pretty split on what to do. Some of us feel that Eli needs to get a taste of his own medicine, and Hana is just going to have to survive it somehow. Others think that for Hana's sake, we should go easy on Eli."

I notice that whatever the group has planned, it has caused them to separate.

"Rais had a third idea, which we all agreed to go with. So for the first time in Dauntless history, the newlyweds aren't sitting together." She intentionally positions herself between us, much like she unintentionally did the night we got engaged, and starts moving us towards the tables.

I look over at Eli. He looks slightly amused.

"What?" I ask, not sure I understand what is happening.

She stops at the smaller group made up of Tori, Nick, and Kelly. "Hana, this is your seat." She keeps an arm around Eli, telling him, " _You_ are with me." She points to the larger group who sits at a nearby table. It's made up of all the married couples. "Where you can get your due."

Eli laughs. I'm glad _he's_ laughing. I'm a little disappointed to not get to sit with my husband.

"Trust me," Eli whispers as he leans in and kisses me by my ear, "you'll enjoy lunch more here." He straightens up and says loud enough for Leeann to hear, "I'll see you after lunch." Then he kisses the top of my head and walks off with her.

I sit down and look at Nick. "Is this _really_ necessary?"

Nick laughs. "Trust me, Hana, _I_ don't want to sit with them right now. It is."

* * *

Our Nuptials Week passes quickly. It seems a bit weird to have an entire week to just adjust to being married. I enjoy it, immensely, but it seems so selfish to spend so much of it as just the two of us. The first time I mention that to Eli, as we sit on the couch together just talking, he laughs at me. "What else would Nuptials Week be for, except to spend it together?"

I think for a moment of Natalie and Andrew and how different their week is from ours.

"Well," I start slowly, "in Abnegation, you only move enough into your new place for the first day. Then, first thing in the morning of the first day, the new couples split up. The women meet at the old living quarters of the first one who got married, while the men meet together at her husband's. They pack up the first couple's things together, then take everything to their new home."

Eli groans at me. "Don't tell me, they meet at the new house and unpack that couple's things together."

I smile. I don't need to actually say anything, because he already knows the answer.

"After they are unpacked, they move on to the second couple."

"They move everyone, together like this?" Eli sounds shocked.

"Yes." I give him a knowing smile. "Less temptation when you aren't in your new place alone before you get married."

Eli laughs at me, but when he stops, his eyes are smoldering. "But it also messes up the temptation _after_ the wedding." He pulls me close and our lips find each other.

I pull away just enough to speak. "That would be selfish."

"I'm glad we're Dauntless," he mutters as he slowly leans me back on the couch.

* * *

"Good morning, Beautiful." Eli kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear.

I groan and blink my eyes a couple of times. It's still dark outside. It's our last day off for Nuptials Week. Why on Earth is he waking me up this early? "Eli…" I snuggle in and yawn. "It's too early."

I feel his chest rumble with his laughter. "I know it's early, but you have to get up and get dressed. We have plans for this morning."

"We do? Why don't I know about these plans?" I ask without opening my eyes.

"Because it's a surprise," he whispers in my ear and then kisses it. "You have to get up or you'll miss it."

I groan. "Don't I even get a hint?"

Eli throws the covers off of me. "Dress warmly. We're going to be outside."

* * *

I am even more confused when we get to the train platform. Leeann and Chaz are already there, Chaz grinning while Leeann looks sleepy and confused. "Do _you_ know what we're doing here?" Leeann asks as she stifles a yawn.

"I don't have a clue," I answer as Eli wraps his arms around me.

Rais and Jazz show up next, followed closely by Rob and Angie. It's annoying to look at them. Jazz and Angie both seem to know what is going on, and they carefully avoid Leeann and me so we can't ask them.

When Bekah and Abilyn arrive, they have the same confused look as Leeann and I do, but the guys look smugly confident, every single one of them, except Rais and Rob whose wives know what is going on.

Leeann places one hand on Chaz's chest. "What is going on?"

The train whistle blows, drowning out any answer he might have made. "Newlyweds in the first car. Old married couples in the second," Eli announces. "Except for Leeann and Chaz, they're with us, since she doesn't know what's going on, either."

We jump on the train and turn expectantly to Eli, since, as usual, he seems to be the one in charge.

"Ben, this was your idea. Do you want to do the honors?"

"What's going on?" Abilyn asks, with her hands on her hips, looking at Ben.

Ben smiles at her and pulls her close to him. "What was the one thing that you were disappointed about on Nuptials Day?"

Abilyn's brow furrows as she thinks back. "The day was perfect. What do you mean?"

"What was the one thing you had hoped for, planned on, actually, that didn't happen?" Ben tries again.

"Well, we were signed up for zip lining, but…" Her voice trails off, and she looks first at Ben and then at Eli. "We're going zip lining?!"

"Yes," Ben smiles as he tells her, and she squeezes him tight.

Bekah twists her head so she can see Conner, since he holds her from behind. "This is the big secret?"

Conner sounds a little nervous when he answers, "Yes, a sunrise zip line is your surprise."

Bekah gives a small squeal and turns in his arms and hugs him tightly.

Leeann is the only one who looks confused now. "So, it's not my Nuptials Week. I'm guessing those of us who are already married are catching."

"That's right." Eli is trying to hide a grin. He has something special planned for Leeann, I can tell. It's more than just her love of zip lining, and her inability to keep a secret for long, that has her riding with us instead of the other group.

"I'm going to help catch the first couple people, and then I'll join you at the top." There is a short pause while Chaz lets it sink in that they are going to be separated.

"Why am I not helping catch?" She sounds completely puzzled.

Eli clears his throat and answers that question. "Because although Nick was all in favor of us doing this, he really didn't want to come and be the only single person. So we discussed I and decided you're coming with me so I can start teaching you what you need to do to work the zip line."

There is a moment of stunned silence, then Leeann's exuberance pops through. "You mean that? Really? I get to help with the zip line?!" She doesn't pause long enough to give Eli a chance to respond. "But I'm not a Pedrad."

Eli sighs in mock resignation. "We had a long family discussion and decided that if you're last name was _ever_ Pedrad you could still learn."

We all laugh as Leeann hugs Chaz first and then almost pushes me out of the way to hug her cousin. Eli smiles at her exuberance, then reaches out for my hand and pulls me closer. "Hey, she's a Pedrad now, too. She's learning today as well."

For a moment, Leeann almost looks jealous, but then instead she grins. "Aren't you glad you married into this family?"

* * *

It's Eli, Leeann, and I who work on getting everything ready for the first person. It feels a little wrong that Nick isn't here with us, but I understand why he didn't want to come. Eli instructs us on what we need to do. He's patient about it, but he's also very firm. There are no jokes; he's very serious as he explains to us what we need to do and why we do it. It reminds me that if he doesn't do his job- if _we_ don't do _our_ jobs- someone could die up here. Suddenly, I'm not completely sure I _want_ to learn how to do this.

We all agree that since Abilyn's pouting got us here, she gets to go first. "I did not pout," she tells us, crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip in an exaggerated manner.

We laugh as Ben pulls her arms away from her body and kisses her. "Sure, you didn't! It must have been my other wife who was complaining about it."

We all laugh at Ben's joke as Eli helps her wiggle into the sling. Then he steps back and motions to Leeann to tighten and fasten her straps. It takes Leeann a little longer than it takes Eli to do it, but she is the picture of concentration as she does. I can see her tongue pushing out her cheek. She is totally focused on what she is doing, double checking each strap herself, and then letting Eli do the same.

He looks at her proudly when he is finished checking. "Just like that, every time." His voice remains serious. "Everyone you do this for trusts you with their life. You have to take each one just as seriously as you took Abilyn's. There are no second chances."

"I know." The sun is just peaking over the horizon as Leeann answers solemnly. Then turning to Abilyn, she grins. "Ready?"

* * *

We're a small group, so really it doesn't take long for us to get Abilyn, Ben, Bekah, and Conner off the roof. Chaz arrives just about the time we're strapping in Conner. Leeann has been doing all the strapping in today. I've watched her and learned, but Eli says repetition is the best way to learn, so she's doing all of them today. I'll get my chance another day, which is fine. This doesn't mean as much to me as it does to her.

While we wait for the rest of the "old married couples," to arrive, as Eli keeps teasing his younger cousin, Eli goes over a few of the things we'll need to do today to take down the zip line for the year.

When Angie comes up, she looks a little pale.

"Are you okay?" Leeann asks her.

"I just need to eat. My stomach is empty."

Since I didn't know what we were going to do, I actually have my bag with me. I hand her a bottle of water and a package of peanut butter and crackers. Angie takes them from me with a grateful smile. She sits down to eat and drink what I gave her.

Again, Leeann takes the lead and buckles everyone in while Eli checks them. She's good. There is never one that Eli finds a problem with. Angie thanks me as she finishes her snack, and then she takes off for her turn, followed by Rob. Finally, -it's just the four of us- Chaz, Leeann, Eli, and me- left on the roof.

"Leeann, you did well, but I'm taking over now. It's your turn."

"I didn't figure you'd let me do Hana's or yours." She smiles at her cousin.

"Hop in, Brat." Eli's voice holds a trace of humor when he says that, but the next sentence he is totally serous again. "But I want you to try to do your own. The last person down on the zip line has to be able to do their own straps. Nick can do it, but he struggles with it more than I do."

" _That's_ why he hardly ever goes last!" Leeann exclaims.

"That's why," Eli agrees, "but that's a family secret. We don't tell other people that."

Leeann wiggles in and does the straps across her back. I choke back a smile when I realize she's probably doing better her first time than Nick or Eli did. Her wardrobe has more clothing that fastens in the back.

I must be right, because when Eli checks it, he looks impressed. He tightens up one strap, but he leaves the rest of them alone. "I think you're already better than Nick. It looks good."

Leeann beams at the compliment.

"Want to push her off?" he asks Chaz. "I think Pedronov is close enough to count, too."

Chaz chuckles. "Ready?" He leans down and kisses the top of Leeann's head.

"Ready!" The excitement is back in Leeann's voice.

Chaz grabs on and pushes her off the roof.

Eli makes quick work of buckling Chaz in and pushing him off the roof. He turns to me when he's done. "I'm sorry. I'm sure it would have been more fun for you if I wasn't in charge."

I have to laugh at him. "You don't need to be sorry; it's been a perfect morning for me. I got to spend it with you and our friends." I find a small wall near us and step onto it so I am closer to his height. "And it gave me just a little Abnegation for the week."

"How is that?" Eli sounds confused.

"I got to selflessly wait until they were all gone to do this." I pull him into my arms and kiss him.

He doesn't pull away quickly. "They're going to wonder what happened to us," he finally whispers.

"No, they aren't." I pull him back in for another long kiss. "It's our Nuptials week."


	3. Chapter 3 - Scientific Method

**I'm glad you all enjoyed the last chapter. I wasn't expecting so many of you to be interested in what Eli went through! If I have time, I'll see what I can do about writing someone's POV on that, but right now keeping the story moving comes first. (And I'll have to figure out what they said first!)**

 **Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Bahrfamily for her help on this chapter.**

 **Chapter 3 Scientific Method**

It's hard to go back to work. Having one week off with Eli just wasn't enough. We did get a chance to settle in and start establishing a routine, of sorts, although with me working in the control room and having rotating shifts, that routine will have to be flexible. But we did get a few things figured out.

Things like the fact that he's _not_ allowed in the kitchen by himself. It only took me one meal to realize that I _really_ should have listened to Taylor when she warned me that Eli seems to be incapable of reading a recipe and thinks things go together that really don't. The one meal he tried to fix me was overcooked chicken with some kind of gravy which was lumpy and tasted suspiciously like he used corn syrup instead of corn starch to thicken it. The corn was still frozen, but he had put something white and gloopy on it that tasted like horseradish. The rice was undercooked and had what I can only call applesauce mixed in with it.

We also figured out mundane things like which side of the bed each of us prefers, that Eli is more of a morning person than I am, and that I want separate tubes of toothpaste. Who knew he didn't understand that the lid doesn't put itself back on.

* * *

I've decided that I enjoy the evening _before_ Feast Day even more than Feast Day itself. Taylor takes it for granted that all of her kids will show up and help get ready. She does take the time to tell me that this is the _one_ year she will say something to me about it, but that after this, I'm just expected to remember.

I quickly discover that my place is in the kitchen with Abram and Taylor. Chaz was never taught to cook. Nick, I'm told, is only slightly better than Eli. He uses the right ingredients, but has a tendency not to measure. Leeann can cook when forced to, but as I saw the night we told Taylor and Abram that Eli and I were getting married, she always starts with the wrong pan and doubles or triples the amount of dishes. So instead ,the four of them get to clean and sort dishes while Abram, Taylor and I cook. Since I prefer cooking to cleaning, this definitely works for me.

I discover that night the secret about my father-in-law. He's really not quite as quiet as everyone thinks, he's just shy. It takes him almost an hour of cooking together and Taylor's prodding before he comes out of his shell. After that, he breaks forth in stories about a young Eli. He starts by telling me about the first day of school for Eli and Nick, how the teachers thought they would put the two of them in different classes. Somehow, though both Eli and Nick claim to have no memory about this, they discovered they could see each other in the bathroom. They both spent the whole day telling their teachers they needed to go to the bathroom. Finally both boys were sent to the nurse because their teachers were afraid they had bladder infections. They were in the same classroom by the end of the week. I realize that night that for Abram, talking to someone new is an act of bravery. He really would have, _could have_ done something if Jude had been at the door when he was on guard after the fire. It actually took more bravery for him to call out and find out who was at the door than it would have taken for him to protect his family.

And after our time together cooking, I know I am part of his family, and I have been ever since Leeann claimed me as a friend. Marrying Eli just confirmed it.

* * *

The day after Feast Day, Leeann looks shaken when she comes into the Control Room. She talks briefly to Jeff, gives him a note, and then walks over to me.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, pulling my head phones off one ear.

"Why do you think anything is wrong?" She tries to sound normal, but it doesn't work.

I look at her pointedly. "You don't show up at my work just to chat."

Leeann sighs. "They want to see us, all of us- our whole initiation class _and_ the two after ours- in the training room in 30 minutes."

"Why?" After I look at Jeff, who nods at me, I log out. The advantage of the new system, where we watch random cameras instead of specific factions, is that I can leave without having to wait for anyone to come in and cover for me.

"I don't know why. Neither does Nick. What's the advantage of working for leadership if you don't know what's going on?" Her matter-of-fact attitude makes me smile.

Leeann may be upset that she's missing out on an advantage, but suddenly I get a bad feeling I know what this meeting is about- a really _bad_ feeling.

* * *

It's good to get a chance to see everyone. When we get to the training room, we automatically sit by class. True, I see most of them on a regular basis, but there are a few I don't see often. It's almost funny how I can look around and see the difference between the three classes. I know almost everyone. We have to wait for Abilyn, who is on patrol and has to be located; while we wait, we all relax and catch up. For our class, the main topic seems to be Nuptials Week.

When Bekah starts talking about how amazing our sunrise zip line was, Kelly teases me, with a tinge of jealousy in her voice, about how it must be nice to be married to one of few people who can run the zip line. Before I get a chance to defend myself, Angie laughs. "Hana had nothing to do with it. It was all Abilyn."

"She and Ben were supposed to go zip lining for their Dauntless Activity, before Eli got engaged," Leeann adds. "You've never seen anyone pout as much as she did when she found out it was canceled!"

"That's not true," Ben calls out from his seat on the edge of his class. Ben went through initiation the year after us, so he has strategically placed himself where Abilyn can sit with us, he can sit with his class, and they can still sit together. "She didn't pout _that_ much."

Allie, one of the girls from his class, laughs and loudly declares; "Now we know the truth! Ben is already scared of his wife and will do anything to keep her happy."

Laughter from all three classes fills the air at that comment. And right on cue, Abilyn walks in. She sees Ben and the empty seat next to him and heads straight for it; she kisses him as she sits down. "What's so funny?" she asks.

Ben shakes his head as Allie calls out, "We found out Ben's afraid of you."

Abilyn shakes her head with a smile. I can tell she knows there is more to the story and plans to get it from Ben later.

Max picks this time to walk in with a visitor in blue, and my feeling of impending doom increases. It's Jeanine. Natalie warned me she was about ready to check her fear serum again and that our classes had a really good chance of being her next test subjects, since they would want to compare results.

"Dauntless," Max begins in a booming voice, "I'm sure you remember Jeanine from your initiation. She's here to talk to you about the fear serum again."

"How can we forget?" Tori mutters.

"Good afternoon, Dauntless," Jeanine says in her cultured voice. Her hair is still as blonde as ever, but she has abandoned the clips the younger girls use in favor of a low bun on her neck. Her glasses are now perched on the tip of her nose instead of hanging from a chain. Behind them, her gray-blue eyes flash around, missing nothing. I think about what Tori said about Norton expecting her to be his successor. I remember spying on Jeanine and Norton when he was in the hospital, and I decide she is trying to look older. She is expecting to take over Erudite, and possibly quite soon. I make a mental note that I need to let Natalie know this. "As you know, we have been working on a better serum for the Dauntless to use during initiation. Past versions have been too strong and required us to help you get out of them. We have continued to work on this serum over the last three years, and each year we have gotten a little closer to where we need it to be. We believe we have the issue solved. However, we need to compare results with people who have had the previous versions, as a control in order to make sure that the difference is the serum and not the people."

It's coming, I can feel it. Natalie was right. We're going to have to face our fears again.

"So, we are using the scientific method to test the serum. This means each of you will be retested on the new serum, starting tomorrow. Your fears may be the same, or they may be different. We're not quite sure how that part will work out."

I lose track of what Jeanine is saying, because Angie sits in front of me and her head starts shaking back and forth, as she softly mutters, "No, no, no," over and over again.

Rob puts an arm around her, pulling her close against his body. "Shhhh." His voice is hardly a whisper. "It will be okay. We'll get it worked out. You won't have to do it."

But I can feel the panic growing in Angie as she starts to shake. I look at Jeanine for a moment, to see if she has noticed how poorly Angie is taking the news. Jeanine is giving Angie a contemptuous look, thinking that if Angie can't face the simulation a second time, she doesn't belong here. But I know Angie. She _does_ belong here. There must have been something pretty bad in her first simulation for her to react this strongly.

* * *

It's harder to find a chance to check my tablet now that I'm married. I can't lock Eli out of our room, and right now, we work practically the same schedule. But I've discovered one thing that helps me: he's actually a very sound sleeper. I make myself stay awake until I hear that distinctive snort that he gives when he first falls into a deep sleep, and then slowly move myself out from under his arm. He shifts and I go still; then he rolls over, away from me. I slowly let out the breath I was holding and scoot the rest of the way out of bed.

The new hiding place for the tablet and the rest of what Natalie gave me is in the bathroom. The drawer is a little narrower than the one I used in my old apartment, so Natalie had to give me a new cover to hide it. It's the only place I could think of where I could guarantee some privacy. I turn on the tablet and check for messages: none from Natalie. My message will be quick, so I type it out without turning off the ability to send. _**"You were right. We start retesting the fear serum tomorrow. How is Norton doing? Jeanine is dressing to replace him. She's trying to look older."**_ I press send, turn it off, and put it back in its hiding place.

I climb back into bed with Eli. Now I can go to sleep.

* * *

We wait in the training room like we did the last time. Today, it's just our class. No one speaks until after they take Abilyn and Angie. Angie looks pleadingly at Rob. He leaves his spot, walks over to her, hugs her, and whispers something to her. She smiles at him, and then at Bekah. She seems a little calmer when she leaves than she was when she was just waiting here.

After they are gone, we start speaking in hushed whispers.

"Do you think it will be the same?" Rob asks. He must be thinking about Angie.

"I think that will depend on the person," Tori says matter-of-factly. "I know that what my original fear was doesn't scare me as much as it used to. After that experience, I've worked to lessen that fear. I expect mine will be different."

"Well, I didn't do anything like that," Bekah says calmly. "It just didn't seem like a priority to me. I wonder if that will make a difference, if you having worked on one fear will change what the serum brings out, compared to me, not having tried to lessen my fear."

And those two are off, discussing their own theories as only two former Erudite can do. The rest of us don't care if they are the same or not. We just want them over.

* * *

"It seems to be much easier than last time," Jazz reassures me as we walk to the testing room. "Everyone has been able to get themselves out so far."

I smile weakly at her reassurance.

Jeanine is there, just like last time. If there is one thing the Erudite believe in, it's the scientific method. Jazz and Jeanine administered my last test, so they also administer this test. Anyone else doing it would introduce another variable, and the only variable they want is the serum. We even test in the same order we did during initiation. I'm actually a little surprised we didn't have to wear the same outfit we did last time and sleep in the dorms the night before.

Jeanine starts off with her questions. "Name."

"Hana Pedrad."

She consults her list and verifies with me, "Hana, was your last name Wren?"

"Yes."

"Faction of birth?"

"Abnegation," I answer, even though I'm wondering why she doesn't have that information from last time.

"You're married now." Her tone is somewhere between a statement and a question.

"Yes."

She takes a deep breath. "When was _your_ last period?"

I look at her, wondering why she needs to know that. "I started four or five days ago."

Jeanine nods. "Good."

* * *

I walk out from the testing room, completely amazed. Jazz was right, it really did go much better this time. I walk away not even shaking from the memory.

"Where do you think you are headed, Stiff?"

The voice stops me in my tracks. I know that voice. It can't be.

For a moment I want to run, as fast and as far as I can, but I don't. Instead, I take a deep breath and slowly turn around, telling myself it can't really be true. I will turn around and see someone else.

But I don't see someone else.

Her hair is long again, and colored in a way only Dauntless can do.

Jude.


	4. Chapter 4 - Jude

**Okay, I know I told you all every 4-5 days, and this one is up after 3, but that doesn't mean that I've realized I can keep up with every 3 days.**

 **It means, although most of you have it figured out, I couldn't leave you all hanging on what happened to Jude, and… I decided to give everyone (including myself) a birthday present! Your present from me for my birthday is the next chapter. My gift from you is the reviews! (But I am studying for a test tonight, so I may be slower than normal in responding to them! Sorry!)**

 **And thank you to Bahrfamily (who when she finished chapter 3 immediately wrote me back that she knew what was going to happen in Chapter 4) for doing her normal stellar job as Beta.**

 **Chapter 4 Jude**

I try to swallow, but my mouth is dry. I can't think of anything to say as I look at the nightmare before me. Her hair once again sports all the colors of the sunset. Her cold blue eyes look me up and down appraisingly, still seeing me as a nothing. The maniacal grin is firmly in place. "Hi, Stiff." Her voice holds a hint of laughter. "Bet you didn't expect to see me."

"You're right. I didn't." My voice shakes. It can't be her. My eyes, my ears- they're playing tricks on me.

"It's amazing how many people underestimate me." She hides the smile, making her face look childlike and her voice sound innocent.

I know she's not.

She starts to circle around me. Automatically, just like I did on the roof, I move with her, making sure to keep her in front of me.

"You used to, but I don't think you will anymore." Again there is an unpleasant hint of laughter in her voice.

I swallow hard and wonder what I should do. Someone should be coming down the hallway soon. If I can just keep a safe distance between us, I'll be alright. Maybe I should talk to her about something? Before I can say anything, she starts talking to me.

"I don't intend for anyone else to see me, and no one will believe you, you know that, right?" Her tone filled with unhinged laughter.

She's right. There is no one I can tell about this who will believe me. Everyone knows Jude is dead. There has to be a way to get her to a place where she can be seen, somewhere that I can have witnesses to prove I'm not crazy. Maybe I should just walk away, but I really have problems with any idea that includes turning my back on her. I take a couple of tentative steps backwards.

She matches me, step for step. We can do this all the way down the hall, but if I misjudge anything, I'll be backed up against a wall again. The last time she had me backed up against a wall. I ended up with her hands around my neck and a concussion. I would rather _not_ experience that again.

"What do you want, Jude?" I hate the way my voice cracks. If I don't get away from her soon, it's going to end badly. I can tell.

"Hana, Hana, Hana," Jude shakes her head in mock disbelief. "You of all people really should know by now it's not a _what_ that I want, it's a _who_. You know who I've always wanted, who I've _always_ intended to have." Her eyes grow hard as she leans into me. I feel her breath on my cheek as she whispers her answer. "I want _Eli_. I'm going to _have_ Eli."

I let my eyes close for just a second, and suddenly I almost feel sorry for her. She's like a small child who wants the one thing she can't have. She can't have Eli, she can't ever have Eli. Eli loves _me_. I feel the security of his love bloom from my chest and wrap around me like a warm blanket. A smile starts to grow on my face. She can't take Eli away from me. I open my eyes to confront her with this knowledge and security, but she's gone…

I look around for her, suddenly wondering where I am, because I'm not in the hallway. I'm disoriented; it's only when I crane my neck and see Jazz hurriedly unhooking herself from the machinery that I realize I'm still in the testing room. Jude was my _fear_. I look wide-eyed at Jazz.

"You're finished Hana. Hang on just a second," Jazz reassures me in her soft, soothing voice.

"That's odd. I've never seen someone's greatest fear be a person," Jeanine mutters, more to herself than to Jazz.

"You don't understand." Jazz tries to keep her voice down, but it's loud enough that I can still hear her. "Jude is dead. But she tried to kill Hana, more than once."

"Interesting." Curiosity sparks in Jeanine's normally sharp gray-blue eyes. She starts making notations on her form.

Jazz walks over to me. "Okay, Hana, you are free for the day. I need to go get the next person." She opens the door and we walk out together. When the door closes behind us, Jazz stops and looks at me, her hands on my upper arms. "She really is dead, Hana. She can't come back."

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I know, but it seemed so real."

"It's supposed to," Jazz agrees. She lightly rubs my arms. "Look, go by Tech Support. Maybe they'll let Eli off early."

I give Jazz a small smile. "That's worth a try."

We separate; she heads towards the training room, and I head towards the Pit. As I walk through the Pit, I check every face I pass, just to make sure it doesn't belong to _her_. I see blue eyes, but none as cold has hers. I see orange hair, but none with the pinks and reds that hers used to have, too. There are even a couple of people there her height with blonde hair, but none of them are Jude.

Waiting for the elevator is the worst. Standing there, I want to face away from the elevator so my back isn't to the whole room. But I _can't_ let myself do that. I face the elevator and watch the number of the floor on the screen so I have an idea on when it will be here. Every couple of floors, I let myself check the Pit to make sure I don't see her. When the doors slide open and I step into the elevator, I reach out to press the button for the eighth floor and Tech Support, but just before I push it, I realize Eli isn't the person I want to see the most. I can't go see the person I really want to see, but there is someone else who told me she would be there if I needed her.

* * *

"Hana! What are you doing here?" Taylor opens the door and lets me in.

"You once told me that if I ever needed my mom, you would be here for me in her stead. Is that still the case?" I ask her anxiously.

Taylor smiles at me. "Of course it is." We sit next to each other on the couch. "What's going on? Is everything okay with you and Eli?"

"Eli and I are fine," I reassure her. "Did Leeann tell you about the new fear simulations we did in training?"

"Yes, she mentioned that someone from Erudite came and gave you a new version of the fear serum."

"They tested us again on an even newer version today." I take a deep breath. "The fears we see aren't general fears, they are our _personal_ fears."

Taylor quickly catches on that I'm here because of what mine was. "What did you see?" Her voice is soft.

"Jude."

We are both quiet for a couple of minutes before she asks, "You know she's dead, right?"

"No, I don't know." My voice is agonized. I close my eyes against the tears. _This_ is why I am here. I need someone to confirm it, someone to tell me that she really _is_ dead. "I was told she died, but how do I _know_ she died? I didn't see her body, did you?" I know I'm grasping at straws, but suddenly I'm hoping that Taylor, or at least Abram, did see her body.

Taylor doesn't say anything immediately, and my hopes drop. "No," her voice is soft, "I didn't see her body, but Eli did."

The story tumbles out of Taylor after that. The night Jude fell off the roof, Eli took me to the infirmary to have the cut on my neck looked at. After that, he took me back to Taylor's apartment and waited until I was asleep, then left to go see her body.

That leaves me with one question. Why didn't he ever tell me that?

* * *

If there is any way that Jude can see what is going on here from wherever she is after death, she is gleefully laughing at me. Talking to Taylor both helped and hurt. It helped because if Eli saw Jude's body, I feel more comfortable going back to my belief that she _is_ dead. It hurt because Eli never told me that he went to see her body. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but the fact that he's never told me concerns me a little.

Taylor gave me a couple of Eli's favorite recipes when I left. I think she knew I needed a distraction, and it definitely has helped. I'm getting anxious for Eli to get home, but I'm not nearly as panicked as I would be if I didn't have something to do. Cooking has helped, too, because now I know I won't have to leave the apartment again tonight.

"Hana?" Eli's calls for me as soon as he opens the door, sounding confused.

"In the kitchen," I call back without raising my voice. There is no need to, with the kitchen so close to the front door.

"Are you okay?" His long strides bring him to me quickly and he gathers me in his arms.

"I'm fine." I try to give him a convincing smile. "Why?"

He studies my face, and I'm pretty sure he can tell I'm not giving him the complete truth. "Because you're cooking, and I thought we had planned to have dinner with everyone else." There's a short pause, and then he continues, "And because Jazz told me she thought you were coming to find me after your simulation, but you didn't."

I take a deep breath. "I went and to see your mom instead."

"Why did you go see Mom?" I can tell Eli is not sure what to make of that.

I'm not sure I can answer that without crying, so I turn away from him and start stirring the spaghetti sauce again. "I wanted to see _my_ mom. Yours was as close as I could get." I feel the first tear slip from my eye.

"Hana…" Eli seems to be at a loss for what to say next.

I stop stirring the sauce, wipe the tear off my cheek, and turn towards him. "Did Jazz tell you what my fear was?"

"No," Eli answers immediately. "I asked her, repeatedly, but she wouldn't tell me. She said she couldn't do that."

I look Eli straight in the eye. "Eli, you have to realize these fears are no longer general. They can really, truly get in your head now. When they did mine in training, it still could have been general."

"What was yours in training?"

"Whatever is beyond Amity." It seems like such an insignificant fear after today.

"And now?"

I know my voice won't be above a whisper, but I try anyway. "Jude."

Eli holds me tight. "She's dead, Hana. She's dead and gone. She can't hurt you again."

"How do you know?" I know what Taylor told me, but she and I agreed that until Eli tells me that he went to see Jude's body, I don't know anything about it.

Eli hesitates for just a second, and then he leans around me and turns off the burner the spaghetti sauce is on.

"What…"

"It will be fine. I've seen Mom do it with this recipe before. In fact, if you change your mind and we eat in the cafeteria tonight, it will be even better tomorrow." He takes my hand and leads me to the recliner. It surprises me when he wordlessly pushes me into the chair and sits by himself on the couch for a moment, just looking at me. There is something about his mannerism that makes me apprehensive. I don't curl up in the chair like I normally do. My feet dangle off the floor, and my hands are folded in my lap as I wait for him to answer my question. His voice is quiet but confident when he does speak. "Hana, I know she is dead. I saw her body."

"And you didn't tell me because…?" I raise my eyebrows at him. Ever since Taylor told me he had seen Jude's body, I've been trying to decide if I would ask Eli this question or not.

At first Eli is quiet; when he does speak, the pain in his voice is evident. "There were several reasons. After her fall from the Pire, she was pretty messed up. I didn't want you to think you had to go see her."

"But you still know it was her?" I press him for the answer. After today's simulation, I _really_ need the answer to that question.

He nods. "She had a tattoo, and most people didn't know that. I saw her tattoo. It was her."

"What was it of?" I let curiosity get the best of me. I never imagined Jude had a tattoo.

The silence stretches. What could Jude's tattoo have been, that he doesn't want to tell me?

"It was my name." Eli touches his chest. "She had my name tattooed over her heart."

I nod slowly; I can see why he didn't want to tell me that.

"Hana, please understand. It was a difficult night for me. If it happened again, I would probably handle it exactly the same way. I would pick you over her. You know that, right?"

It's funny, I had never thought of that night this way. I had never thought of Eli as having picked me, but when he says it, it suddenly becomes clear to me. Eli _did_ pick me that night over Jude. "Yes…" My voice is just above a whisper. What is he about to say, that he feels he needs to preface it by telling me this?

"Once upon a time, back when we were kids, Jude wasn't hateful, she wasn't hurtful, she wasn't possessive; she was my friend. We grew up together, played games together. When her father got injured, we were ten. Leeann was just starting to return to being Leeann after Aunt Tonya's death and Uncle Evan being kicked out of Dauntless. Jude's dad was badly injured. At first no one was even sure he would live, and she needed her friends. When everyone realized he would live, Jude took care of him. She worked with him; she was so sure that she could get him healed enough that he could stay in Dauntless..."

I wait a minute for Eli to speak and then I finish the thought for him. "But she couldn't."

"That's right." Eli looks at me. "She couldn't. When they kicked him out, it was like watching Leeann suffer all over again, and I couldn't just do that. I couldn't stand by and watch and not try to help."

I give Eli a small smile. That's my husband. He couldn't do that, not if he had any chance at all of helping her.

"She may have been completely deranged at the end, but one upon a time, she was my friend. That night I was so torn with guilt. I was so relieved you were okay, so thankful that nothing more than a small cut had happened to you." Eli plays with his lip ring. "But to keep you safe, someone who was once my friend, someone with whom I had been linked for years, died because of something I did."

With everything that happened that night, I had never stopped to think of it that way. For me, Jude had always been someone who threatened me, someone I feared, someone I didn't like. But once upon a time, she had been different. I think I always knew deep inside that she _had_ to have been different, for Eli to have ever been with her, even if he knew he'd never marry her.

"Eli…" My voice trails off. I don't know what else to say.

"You believe me, don't you, that I would _always_ pick you over her?" I hear something totally unexpected in his voice: fear. Eli is afraid I won't believe him.

"You picked me," I say simply, "and after all of that, you _married_ me. Yes, I know you would always pick me."

"Everything happened so quickly on the roof. I didn't consciously decide much of anything that night, I simply reacted. I backed away to keep her away from you. That was the _only_ plan Chaz and I made as we raced up the stairs. I knew Jude would be willing to leave you to get to me. I told Chaz he was responsible for you, and that I would get Jude away from you." Eli's voice has a faraway tone as he thinks back to that night. "So I backed away from you, and it worked. She followed me and left you alone. But I didn't realize I was so close to the edge of the roof. When she lunged at me, I dropped, expecting her to trip over me and end up flat on her stomach but still on the roof. I thought I could jump back up and subdue her that way," he plays with his lip ring some more, "but I was at the edge, and when she fell forward…"

"She fell off the edge," I finally finish for him.

"Yes."

And suddenly, I can finally say it. I can say what my Abnegation training has wanted me to be able to say this whole time, but I haven't been able to force myself to say. I stand up, walk the two steps to the couch, and kneel by Eli. "Eli, I can't be sorry that Jude is dead. You know that, right?"

"I know. Part of me can't be, either. You would never have been safe with her alive, but what…"

I silence him by putting my finger over his lips. "But I _am_ sorry that your friend died."

Eli pulls me into his arms and clings to me. "If anything had happened to you, I never would have been able to forgive myself. I love you, Hana. I meant what I said to Jude up on the roof that night. If only one of us, you or me, was going to make it off that roof alive that night, I would have made sure it was you."

"Eli…"

He stops me from saying anything with a kiss. "I love you. You are my reason for living."

* * *

I've decided I really like Taylor's spaghetti recipe. The sauce really does taste wonderful after just sitting there for a while.


	5. Chapter 5 - Kelly

**Character-**

 **Allie- Member of Ben's initiation class.**

 **Sorry, this one is a lot later than usual. I have been studying for a test that literally decides whether or not I can keep the job I was hired for. I've been busy studying, but the good news is I passed it today! Hopefully , that means studying time is back to writing time! If I'm right, than I'll be back to more regular updating soon.**

 **Thank you to everyone who took the time to review the last chapter. I appreciate every single one of them. Your reviews brightened up my birthday.**

 **Awesome Sauce: Glad you liked Dauntless Gray. I enjoyed writing it. And don't worry, there are PLENTY of bad guys (canon and non-canon) to go around in this story. The Blackest Shade of Gray has multiple bad guys instead of just one.**

 **And an extra special heart-felt thanks goes out to Bahrfamily, who worked on editing this with a very full plate both emotionally and in things to accomplish. Thank you.**

 **Chapter 5 Kelly**

"So, where were you two last night?" Rob asks suggestively as we sit down for breakfast.

"Hana couldn't handle people last night, so we ate at home," Eli states simply. It is true; I really don't think I could have handled the cafeteria last night. The rest of the truth is that Eli and I just needed some time together. Before last night, we never talked about Jude and her death, we just avoided the whole topic. Last night, we realized we really should have talked to each other about it much sooner.

"Sure you couldn't," Rob smirks at me.

"So last night," Kelly breaks in, uncomfortable with where Rob is trying to take the conversation, "we discovered we were actually brave enough to share what our fears were this time. Right now Leeann has the fear that most of us agree was the worst."

"What is that?" Eli takes Kelly's lead and asks Leeann.

"Becoming Factionless," Leeann answers simply.

I take a deep breath. Eli's look tells me I don't have to tell mine, but my hope is that saying it out loud might just make it less real. "In my simulation, Jude wasn't dead."

There is silence at our table while everyone, except Jazz who witnessed my simulation, looks at me in shock. "You win." Leeann's voice is soft. "You had the worst fear of any of us."

Eli covers my hand with his. "She _is_ dead," he states firmly and then leans in and kisses the top of my head.

The silence stretches on. I wish I knew what to say to end it.

Jazz comes to the rescue. "Okay, so Hana had the worst fear. But you all got yourselves out of your fears this time, so that was an improvement. And think of it this way: you all are done. I have two more days of watching people get through their fears."

Jazz may not have had to experience the fear serum first hand, but I actually think _she_ has it the worst.

* * *

It's about a week after my fear simulation before Eli seems to decide I'm back to normal. I know he finally thinks I've recovered from the fear simulation when he checks with me at lunch to see if it's okay for him to hang out with Nick after dinner. I'll miss him, but an evening to myself sounds good, so I tell him it is fine with me. He checks with me two more times before dinner is over, and I have to laugh at him. "Eli, just because we're married doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment you aren't at work with me. It's okay if you spend time with Nick."

"What are you going to do?" he prods. "I don't want to leave you with nothing to do."

"I don't know yet. I'll probably check with Kelly and see if she wants to do something." I still feel a little guilty about the way things turned out for Kelly when Eli and I got engaged.

* * *

Kelly loves the idea of us doing something together. It reminds me that all of us getting married except her and Tori probably leaves them feeling left out at times. I need to be better at remembering this. I talk to Tori too, and she agrees that it could be fun, but she has to work tonight. Kelly and I do some shopping in the Pit and then head to the tattoo parlor to see Tori. Her shift is almost over so we decided to see if she wants to play cards afterwards. As we get closer to the tattoo parlor, we can see Nick at the Chasm, leaning against the rail. I look around, wondering where Eli is, but he's nowhere to be seen.

Kelly, on the other hand, doesn't seem concerned about where my husband is. She probably doesn't even remember he's supposed to be with Nick right now. She smiles and picks up her pace. I have to move fast to catch up with her. She's got it bad. Not that I blame her. In different circumstances - if I had never met Eli and if Kelly had not claimed Nick first - I could see myself being interested in Nick. He's a lot like Eli, except without the humor. We're almost to him when we realize he's talking to Marley. Kelly stops short, but we're already close enough to hear them.

"So have _you_ changed your mind yet?" She runs a long fingernail along Nick's jaw.

Kelly stiffens up next to me. I have a pretty good idea of how she feels. I still remember the first day I met Marley, back when Eli and I were dating but no one knew we were, when she strutted up and attached herself to Eli right in front of me. And I remember the time she tried to kiss him, before she knew we were engaged. That's something I haven't been able to let go of yet.

Nick moves away from Marley. "I haven't. I don't do casual relationships."

Kelly relaxes just a little.

Marley smiles a mocking smile. "Have you decided to follow _Eli's_ example?"

Nick shakes his head. " _Nothing_ has changed, Marley. I don't do relationships of _any_ type." He sees Eli wave at him from the elevators and walks away from Marley without ever seeing us.

Kelly is frozen in place. I pull her closer to the rail, out of the way of people walking around the Chasm. "He won't _ever_ change his mind, will he?" Her voice is soft and defeated.

I don't know the answer to that. I want to lie to her and tell her that I'm sure he will, just to take the hurt look off her face, but I can't. I can't give her hope when I don't know if it is really there. "I don't know, Kelly."

When she looks up at me, her eyes are full of tears. "He won't. I always knew it. You and Eli getting married gave me hope, hope that maybe he would change his mind, too. But I guess I just needed to hear him say it."

"Kelly…" my voice trails off. I really don't know what to say.

She shakes her head. "We'll finish our girls' night another time. I need some time alone." She takes a deep breath and turns to walk away from me.

I stop her with a hand on her sleeve. "If you need someone later…"

Kelly smiles, but it is a small, sad smile. "Thank you. I'll remember that."

* * *

"Don't turn around. I was hoping to find you." Natalie's voice hisses in my ear.

After Kelly left, I stayed by the rail of the Chasm, staring at the churning water, wondering if there was anything I could do to help. "What's up?" I ask softly.

"I need your help. There's a bit of an emergency. Count to one hundred then head to my old room." Her voice is desperate. She doesn't even wait for me to respond but leaves immediately.

Slowly I count to one hundred and then head to her room. There is no one in the hallway when I get there. I make a quick turn of the knob hidden in the light to switch the camera in the hallway to show empty footage, so that no one in the control room will see me going into Natalie's old room.

Natalie is pacing. This can't be good.

"What's going on?"

"Jeanine found a Divergent in last week's testing."

"Which class?" Fearfully, I hold my breath. I have too many friends involved in this.

"The class after yours."

That only lowers my anxiety a fraction. "Who?" Not Ben, please not Ben.

"Allie."

I sit down, my knees weak with relief. It's hard enough to keep the secret from Kelly that her sister is still alive. I _really_ don't want to have to keep this big of a secret from Abilyn, too. "Does she need to come out?"

"Tonight," Natalie says more forcefully than I expect. "I thought I could wait Norton and Jeanine out and just see what happens, but I found out today they have already have plans to kill her."

"What do you need?"

"Besides a miracle?" Natalie gives me a small smile. "I need you to go into work for about an hour." She hands me a drive. "Allie has to die tonight."

* * *

The changes to the control room procedures since the fire have actually helped Natalie and me more than I thought they would. At least once a shift now I see Norton or Jeanine, instead of only those on those days I had Erudite. It also works well for times like this. I may have an assigned shift, but we are all welcome to stop by any time we want and log in for a while.

And I'm not the first person to do so by a long shot. We've actually seen more people working the during overnight shifts than we used to. It seems that watching cameras in the control room is a good solution for sleepless nights. So no one thinks anything of me coming in and logging in to my computer.

Natalie gave me new set of commands along with the drive that will allow me to download the footage of Allie's "death". It is set to go off at a specific time, and I will be home by then. Tomorrow when the news of her death circulates through Dauntless, it will be news to me, too. Natalie wouldn't even tell me how she will die, so that I can ask the right questions.

I hang around the control room for an hour, and then, with a slightly exaggerated yawn, I log out and head home. Eli should be back soon, and I still need to decide if I'm going to tell him what Kelly and I overheard.

* * *

"She always seemed the most Dauntless of all of us," Ben says quietly. "I just can't believe she's gone."

Abilyn sits next to him at breakfast while he holds her hand tightly. I realize that I was so relieved that it _wasn't_ Ben, that I didn't stop to think about how this would affect him , since it was someone from his initiation. In fact, if I remember correctly, Ben dated Allie during their initiation. It's _another_ secret I'll have to keep from a friend, after all.

"What's going on?" Eli asks as we set down our breakfast trays.

"Allie, one of the girls from Ben's class, died last night. She decided to try the rope course after dark, and she fell." Abilyn's voice is gentle.

"I'm sorry," I tell Ben softly.

"I just don't see why she decided to try the ropes course by herself in the middle of the night. It was a good thing Tyson came by when he did, or no one would even know what happened," Ben mutters. "What was Allie thinking? Did she _want_ to die?"

It's all I can do to keep from shaking my head. No, I think to myself, ironically, Allie wanted to live, that's why she "died."

* * *

Dauntless don't waste time when it comes to funerals. Funerals here are a loud ruckus of voices and laughter and sounds I can't quite distinguish. It is the opposite of the quiet dignified Abnegation funerals I'm used to. Both my class and the one after Ben's class stand with his class, intermingled this time. We're here to offer comfort and support that they don't find in the brown bottles that so many of them hold. I don't understand why death makes so many Dauntless drunk.

I notice Eli doesn't drink much at all. He holds a bottle, unlike me, but it's still more full than empty when Max finishes telling how wonderful Allie was, and how brave she was to try to do the ropes course in the dark.

For a moment it flashes angrily through my mind that she wasn't brave, just stupid. My anger is quickly extinguished when I remember the truth, and I realize Max is right. Allie _is_ brave, even braver than Max realizes. Allie is exploring the unknown world beyond the fence, facing one of my biggest fears. She now knows what none of us, except for Natalie, knows: she knows what's beyond Amity.

* * *

When we get home, Eli puts the still-mostly-full bottle on the counter. "Are you going to finish that?" I ask quietly.

"No," Eli says forcefully.

I dump the contents of the bottle and scrunch my nose up at the smell of it. "Not that I mind, but why didn't you drink more, like everyone else?"

Eli sits down and pats the spot on the couch next to him. I sit down with him and automatically curl up at his side. "Uncle Evan was so drunk the day of, and the day after, Aunt Tonya's funeral, that he never could remember any of it. He couldn't even hold Leeann's hand during the funeral. Dad had to hold him up. Mom was the one who held Leeann and Nick. I just never really saw the point after that."

We're both quiet while Eli rubs his hand up and down my arm. "We've been on that ropes course," he says pensively, breaking the silence.

"We had on safety vests," I remind him.

"If anything happened to you…"

I kneel on the sofa and kiss his lips. "You'd make it through," I say gently, "and if anything happened to you, I'd make it through. It wouldn't be easy, but we could both do it."

Eli seems to think about that for a moment. "You're right." He kisses me. "But let's not find that out for a very long time."

"For a very, very, _very_ long time." I lean in and punctuate each 'very' with a quick peck, and then, when I finish my sentence, he kisses me back, and we find our comfort in each other.

* * *

"What are we doing for Risk Day this year?" Tori asks when she sits down for dinner.

The table is quiet. For a group of Dauntless, we sure have problems coming up with a risk for Risk Day. Every year we go through this.

"Anybody?" Leeann asks.

"I have an idea," Kelly speaks up unexpectedly.

"What's that?" Bekah asks.

"War." Kelly's eyes sparkle.

Conner laughs. "I haven't played that in years!"

"For Risk Day?" Angie questions.

"We'd be playing it after dark," Kelly defends her idea.

"What's War?" Abilyn inquires.

Ben stares at her. "You don't know War?"

Abilyn shakes her head. "Transfer."

"I know that. I just didn't realize other factions didn't play it," Ben admits.

Jazz chuckles at that. "I can just picture Amity playing war!"

"War," Kelly starts explaining excitedly, "is best with big group of people. You divide into 2 or 3 teams, then map out a playing area, and grab the flags, paintballs, and paintball guns."

"How is that a risk?" Tori asks puzzled.

"We'd be all over the city at night. It could be fun." Kelly looks around the table hopefully.

Rob looks thoughtful for a second. He glances at Angie and then nods. "Sounds like a good idea to me. Who all do you think we can get?"

* * *

It amazes me how many people we end up recruiting to our game of war. Eli and Nick talk to their initiation class and get most of them involved. Conner and Ben also talk to their respective classes, and even Taylor and Abram decide to participate and get some of their friends to join us, too.

"I hope you don't mind, but I invited Micah's older brother to join in on War," Carly tells me the day before Risk Day.

I want to laugh. "I'm not sure we'd even notice there's an extra person at this point in time. We quit counting when we got to one hundred people planning to play."

"Oh, you'll notice him," Carly promises. "His wife died about two years ago, jumping off a train. He's not stuck in grief or anything like that, but he's absolutely devoted to their daughter. There's a good chance that she'll be with him and he'll leave early."

"How old is his daughter?"

Carly and Jazz already have Sultana watching Gus and Amar so they don't have to worry about the boys. "She's five, a very grown up five. Levi takes her everywhere, so she's pretty mature for her age. She'll be fine."

* * *

We end up with four teams because we have so many people, and we decide to use the whole Hancock building. Rob stands outside of the doors and yells out directions, since he seems to have taken charge of the game. "All the flags are in this bag. Grab one that's your team's color. Pink flags meet on the second floor, green flags meet on the twenty-fifth floor, purple flags meet on the fiftieth floor, and orange flags meet on the seventy-fifth floor. You have thirty minutes from now to get to your floor and make a plan. At the end of the thirty minutes the game begins! When you lose your flag, come back down to this floor."

There is a mad rush for the door, everyone pushing and scrambling to get in first. Eli holds me back. "We have plenty of flags. Rob isn't going to run out, and if he does," Eli chuckles, "we can just sneak back home and spend the evening alone."

I lift myself up on my tip toes for the kiss I know is coming.

* * *

Eli and I end up on separate teams. He's on the orange team, and I'm on the purple team. We split up when I get off the elevator. Eli takes it up the rest of the way to join his team. When I join my team, Carly introduces me to Levi, a thin guy who comes up about to Eli's nose, with dark hair and his eyebrow pierced in three places. Levi is also on our team, but not his daughter: she decided it would be more fun to stay with Sultana when she found out Gus was going to be there. As I look around, I wonder what Faction used to occupy this space. The first floor looks like there were once stores there, like the equivalent of the Pit. Up here on the fiftieth floor, though, there are apartments. But what I don't get are all the colors. Every color of the rainbow is found somewhere. It's one of those places that make you wonder what happened to the city. Some apartments still have furniture in them. Others are completely empty. There are hangers in many of the closets, but no clothes anywhere to be found. "We don't have time to look around, Hana," Rob tells me when he locates me. "Save that for a different day. I have a special plan for you."

Rob is captain of our team. He starts directing everyone to where he thinks would be good places to either hide or to ambush people. It's strange to me see someone besides Eli in charge, even though I know he's not on my team.

Rob sends people in pairs to various floors, to attack people going in and out of the elevators there. It strikes me as odd at first when he sends Kelly with Tyson to cover one of them, but then I notice every pair he sends out is a male and female. I guess he must have a reason for it.

After he's sent everyone out but me, I ask, "So what's your plan for me?"

Rob looks at me and grins. "You are small. I think you can hide in the stairwell. Stay in the shadows. Try to stay where, when someone opens the door, you can hide behind the door. Then when they start walking up or down the stairs, you can get them. Shoot and drop down to your knees," he advises. "I think that will cause them to shoot high."

* * *

It doesn't take long for people to start moving from one floor to the next. Elevators "ding" and paintball guns "ping" every time they do. It sounds like that part of Rob's plan is working. I hear heavy footfalls on the steps as I see someone coming down the stairs from the floor above me. I aim at the landing, and as soon as they appear, my own paintball gun echoes in the small space. I drop to the floor like Rob suggested.

"Ow!" He doesn't even bother to return fire. "Here's my flag." As he holds it out, I realize it's Conner. "Hana?" He sounds surprised when I carefully leave my spot to retrieve my first prize.

"Game's over for you," I smirk as I take his flag. So much for his bragging at work about how he could outlast any transfer at this game!

The first hour passes quickly as more people start taking the stairs to avoid the elevator traps Rob has set. I easily have twenty flags that I've collected from the people I've shot.

With less than an hour left to play, I finally see the target I've really wanted to get tonight. Eli. He's headed down the stairs at a quick pace. I draw back deeper into my shadows, hoping he skips the floor I'm guarding and keeps going down. Luck is with me, and he does. As soon as he starts down the next set of steps, I aim at his back. I don't have any time to waste, so as soon as the shot is lined up on his back, I pull the trigger. Part of me sighs when I see the purple paint on the back of his shirt. I'm not sure how I'm going to get that out. But the other part of me is proud of myself. I got Eli!

"Who's there?" Eli asks.

I step out of the shadow so he can see me as I answer, "Your wife."

Eli laughs and starts pulling out flags. "Well, at least they stay in the family." I walk down a couple of steps to get them from him as he starts pulling them out of different pockets. He has about ten flags himself; combined with the flags I've already collected, I now have approximately one-third of all the flags. I'd guess my team has a very good chance of winning this.

I stop on the stair above him. I'm still a little shorter than him, but this actually helps a lot with the height difference. I quickly lean in and kiss him, listening for any footsteps as I do. "I'll see you downstairs when the game is over."

* * *

After the game, I see Tyson has his arm around Kelly. All I can think of is the night he tried to make me kiss him at the Chasm. Tyson seems to move from girl to girl, and Kelly is still too vulnerable for me to feel comfortable with him that close to her.

I'm not the only one who feels this way, apparently. "Where are you going?" I ask Nick sharply as I grab his arm to stop him.

"I'm going to go check on Kelly." He looks at me in disbelief, like the fact that he's checking on her is so obvious that he can't believe I asked.

"No! That is the one thing you _can't_ do," I state emphatically, moving into his way.

"Someone needs to check on her." Nick starts to move around me.

I put my hand on Nick's chest to stop him. "Eli, go check on Kelly."

"Why…"

I stop Nick there. "You and I need to talk. You need to understand why it can't be you." I feel tears starting to build in my eyes. Kelly wouldn't want me to tell him this, but I can't let him hurt her, even if I know he doesn't mean to. Eli looks from Nick to me like he's trying to decide whose side he should take. "Eli, go check on Kelly." My voice is firm. Eli nods and walks off.

"What's going on?" I can hear Nick's frustration with me in his voice.

"The other night when you and Eli were hanging out, the two of you were separated for a while."

"Eli had to take care of something really quickly," he says, sounding defensive.

"This isn't about that," I snap, although now a small part of my brain is wondering what Eli was up to... "Kelly and I were passing through the Pit, and we saw you. Kelly headed towards you, but we saw you were talking to Marley." Realization starts to dawn on his face. "Nick, she's liked you for so long, and waited for you for so long. When she heard you tell Marley you don't do _any_ relationships…" My eyes fill with tears which leak onto my cheeks. "She _finally_ believed you."

"Hana, I never led her on. I…" Nick stops, suddenly unsure of what to say.

"I know that. She's even told me that herself. But sometimes there is a difference between what your head knows and what your heart knows. Her heart finally knows, and if you go over there now…" I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand, but they keep falling.

Nick looks past me to where Kelly is. "I want her to be happy, Hana."

"I know you do." I finally manage to stop the tears. "That's why you can't go check on her right now, Nick. Unless you decide you're serious about Kelly, you have to let her go."

Nick looks me straight in the eye. "Hana, you know this already, we've talked about it before. There is nothing for me to let go of. I don't want a relationship with her, or with anyone else. I don't understand why you're so upset about this. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I try to keep the frustration out of my voice. "You may not think you need to let go of her, but you at least need to make it so she can let go of you. You can't try to fix things for her anymore."

 **We'll meet Levi's daughter in another chapter. She's a canon character. Anyone want to guess who she is?**


	6. Chapter 6 - Announcements

**Okay, so it looks like everyone who has a guess about Levi's daughter so far has guessed Lauren, although most of you are convinced Levi's daughter is too old to be Lauren. I even had one person who said they thought Lauren was in Zeke's and Four's class. So, even though I would prefer not to confirm or deny anything before she shows up... yes, Levi's daughter is Lauren.**

 **Here's the quotes and the official explanation for Lauren's age**.

 **From Four: A Divergent Collection "The Transfer"**

" **The game is Dare." A Dauntless girl, Lauren, is holding on to the handle on the side of the train car, but she keeps swaying so she almost falls out, then giggling and pulling herself back in, like the train isn't suspended two stories above the street, like she wouldn't break her neck if she fell out.**

 **In her free hand is a silver flask. It explains a lot.**

 **She tilts her head. "First person picks someone and dares them to do something. Then that person has a drink, does the dare, and gets a chance to dare someone else to do something. And when everyone has done their dare—or died trying—we get a little drunk and stumble home."**

 **From Four: A Divergent Collection "The Son"**

" **Though it might seem strange, it's important for high-level Dauntless to understand how a few programs work," Max says. "The surveillance program in the control room is an obvious one—a Dauntless leader will sometimes have to monitor the things happening in the faction. Then there's the simulation programs, which you have to understand in order to evaluate Dauntless initiates. Also the currency tracking program, which keeps commerce in our faction running smoothly, among others.**

 **Some of these programs are pretty sophisticated, which means you'll have to be able to learn computer skills easily, if you don't already have them. That's what we'll be doing today."**

 **He gestures to the woman standing at his left shoulder. I recognize her from the game of Dare.** **She's young, with purple streaks in her short hair and more piercings than I can easily count.** " **Lauren here will be teaching you some of the basics, and then we'll test you," Max says. "Lauren** **is one of our initiation instructors, but in her downtime she works as a computer technician in** **Dauntless headquarters. It's a little Erudite of her, but we'll let it slide for the sake of convenience."**

 **From Four a Divergent Collection "First Jumper-Tris!"**

" **How'd the prank go?" Lauren says.**

 **It takes me a second to figure out what she means: the program, and my supposed desire to prank Zeke. "Haven't done it yet. Our work time didn't overlap much today."**

" **You know, if you were up for some serious studying, we could use you in tech services," she says.**

" **If you're recruiting, you should talk to Zeke. He's much better than I am."**

" **Yeah, but Zeke doesn't know when to shut it** _ **,**_ **" she says. "We don't recruit for skill so much as compatibility. We spend a lot of time together."**

 **So here is my explanation to answer the many people who say Lauren just isn't old enough to be 5 when Amar is 2.**

 **Based on these three excerpts I figure that Lauren is at least Amar's age. But in the first one SHE is the one running the game, so… that makes me think she's a little older. Add to that the fact that Tech Support apparently isn't a job open to new initiates, they "recruit" for it. Again, I'd say she has to be at least Amar's age. What leads me to believe she is older is the fact that she's the one _teaching_ programing to the potential leaders of Dauntless. That's not something they are going to have someone who just transferred into tech support do.**

 **Anyway, right or wrong there's how I got to her having an older age than most people portray her as in FanFiction.**

 **and before I forget... Thank you to Bahrfamily for putting up with me! (and for keeping up with all the things a Beta does.) She is amazing as always.**

 **Oh, and Faux914, this chapter will answer one of your questions, that if I remember right when I responded to your review, I avoided giving any kids of an answer to...**

 **Chapter 6 Announcements**

"Eli, if you don't hurry up, we're going to be late!" I snap impatiently.

"I'm almost ready." Eli finishes tying his sneaker. "What has got you in such a bad mood?"

"I'm not in a bad mood," I correct him from the front door where I'm waiting for him. "I'm hungry, and I don't want to be late for breakfast."

* * *

"Okay," Eli sets down his tray, "this is everyone's one and only warning. Hana is _not_ in a good mood today."

I glare at him. "I _am_ in a good mood."

"Yeah," Eli grins at me, "I can see."

I roll my eyes at him. "Okay, I _was_ in a good mood until someone accused me of being in a bad mood."

Leeann laughs at us.

"On a lighter note," Tori interjects with a grin, "I ended up with tomorrow off. Anyone want to do something?"

* * *

"So, did Conner tell you what he did to Phil's computer last week?" I ask Bekah as she walks with Eli and me to put up our dinner trays.

"About how he sabotaged his computer so that every time he got a feed from the factionless sector, the computer screen split in two and showed the factionless sector and a recipe for meatloaf?" Bekah smiles. "Yes, he told me about that."

"So Phil got someone to take a bunch of pictures of him," I giggle as I tell her this, "and right now, every time Conner's feed changes cameras, a picture of Phil pops up on the screen as it changes."

"You're kidding!"

"No, I'm…" I start to set down my tray when it slips from my hand and clatters to the floor. Instantly tears spring to my eyes. I kneel down and start picking everything up as the tears run down my face.

"Hana, it's okay." Eli helps me pick up the silverware. "These things happen. You didn't even break anything."

When we both stand up, I bury my face in Eli's chest as I cry. When I lift my head again, Bekah looks at me with a funny expression. "How about you and I go for a walk?" She pulls me away from Eli.

It strikes me a funny, and I laugh. "I'm a mess."

"You are, and I've noticed that you have been for a couple of days." Bekah smiles at Eli who looks lost. "I promise to deliver her back home safe and sound."

I wipe at my eyes. "I don't know why I'm such a mess."

"I have a suspicion." She tells me as we walk off leaving Eli behind.

"What?"

"Let's go to my place. We'll talk there."

* * *

We get to Bekah and Conner's apartment without any more tears, for which I'm grateful.

"Conner should be at work still, but let me check."

Bekah disappears to their bedroom. Like in Abnegation, the layout of a Dauntless apartment for a young married couple is similar from apartment to apartment. Unlike in Abnegation, however, in Dauntless each couple can set it up and decorate it however they want. We've never spent much time in Bekah's and Conner's apartment. Of course, since they just got married three months ago, like Eli and I did, we haven't really had much of a chance to do so, yet.

I look around the room for ideas. Leeann teases me that our apartment looks like she would picture an Abnegation apartment. One of these days when she comes by, I'm going to change that.

Bekah comes back and sits on the couch. "I was right. He's gone." She pats the couch next to her, and I sit down.

"Okay, I have a theory on the mood swings." She smiles at me. "I just need you to answer a quick question to see if I'm on the right track."

I swallow. "What is it?"

"When was your last period?"

For a second, the world stops spinning. My eyes fly up to hers as my mind wildly tries to think back. When I realize how long ago it was, I'm in shock. "Right around Feast Day." My voice is a whisper.

Bekah nods like she was expecting something like that. "Hana, I think you might be pregnant."

My mind tosses that piece of information over and over. I hadn't stopped to realize that I was late. I hadn't stopped to think about it at all. But I am not just late, I'm _really_ late. How is Eli going to react to this? Leeann doesn't want kids because of the family history. He said something about us having a family when we discussed why Leeann didn't want to have kids, but back then it was just hypothetical. We weren't even married then. We never stopped to actually discuss _us_ having children, like Bekah and Leeann both told me to. A baby. Eli's baby. Unconsciously my hand drifts to my stomach. This isn't a hypothetical. If Bekah is right- and somehow I already know she is – then this is reality.

What if he isn't ready or doesn't want to be a father? I feel tears starting to gather in my eyes. It's too late for that. We're going to be parents.

"Hana?" Bekah's voice breaks through my thoughts.

"Yes?" My voice is soft.

"Are you okay?"

I nod. "I just hadn't… We haven't… I know you told us we needed to, but… somehow it never came up, and we never discussed… It just never occurred to me and…I hadn't even realized…" My words tumble over each other and then my voice trails off in confusion. I don't even know what to say.

Bekah smiles. "Do you want to run to the clinic really quickly? You can take a test, and you'll know for sure when you see Eli."

I nod and stand up. I need to give Eli the facts, not a guess. But I already know in my heart: we're going to be parents.

* * *

Bekah walks me back to our apartment. She says it's because she promised Eli she would deliver me safely back home, but I secretly wonder if she thinks I'm so out of it that I wouldn't be able to find my way home.

And I have to wonder if she is right. "Thank you," I whisper, not able to summon up more of a voice.

Bekah looks at me strangely. "Hana, do you want me to come in with you?"

For a brief moment I find myself actually contemplating the idea. Having someone there could keep Eli from getting mad, but the thought of having her with me when I tell him doesn't seem right. It should be something that he gets excited about, or is at least is happy about. If he's not going to be excited or happy, I'd rather not have any witnesses. Besides, it really feels like something I should tell him in private.

So I smile the best smile I can muster, and shake my head. "No, I think this is something I should tell him on my own."

Bekah nods and leans in and hugs me. "I don't know anything until you tell me I do."

I smile my thanks and open the door.

Eli is pacing.

I close the door and lean against it, wondering how I'm going to break the news to him. I really should have listened to Bekah and Leeann and talked to him before we got married, or at least before now.

"Are you okay?" He immediately crosses the room to me, reaching out to take my hands. "I didn't expect you two to be gone so long."

I take a deep breath and tell him, "I'm fine," but then the tears start again.

He lets go of my hands, and his thumbs gently brush away the tears. "Hana, if you're fine, why are you crying?" His voice has an edge of panic to it.

I close my eyes and a couple more tears seep out the corners. "Because although I'm fine, I'm… I'm just… I'm a little scared," I admit softly.

He draws me into his arms without saying anything, and I relax in his embrace. I feel a little of the tension and fear of his reaction drain away. "What is it?" he whispers into my hair. "Are you okay? You aren't sick, are you?" The worry in his voice makes me wonder if he is imagining me with something like his aunt had, some mysterious disease. At least my news is better than that. I hope my news is better than that.

I lift my head and take a deep breath, but it shudders on the way in. I have to say it now, or I'll lose my nerve. "Eli, I'm pregnant."

His hands cup my face as he takes a step away so he can look at me. "You're pregnant?" He repeats my words back to me, sounding as shocked as I feel.

I nod.

"You're… pregnant." He tries the words out again, this time with less shock in his voice.

I nod again.

"You're pregnant."

"Yes."

The silence stretches out while he processes this. I'm about to beg him to say something, anything, when he hugs me tightly, but then quickly loosens his grip. "Sorry. Does that hurt you? Does that hurt the baby?"

And just like that, my worries about his reaction evaporate. "Eli, it's so tiny right now that you hugging me can't hurt it."

He hugs me tightly again, lifting me into the air and spinning me around as he does. "I'm going to be a dad!" he announces when he finally puts me back on the ground and steps back.

I smile at him. "Yes, you are." I feel the first tears of relief and happiness tracing the curve of my cheek.

"You're going to be a mom."

I laugh, just a little, with happiness. "Yes, I am."

"Hana."

"Yes?"

"I love you." He kisses me, and then surprises me by kneeling down in front of me. "Hey, you in there, did you hear that? I'm your daddy, and I love your mommy." I put my hand on his hair and smile. Eli is already talking to the baby. "And I love you, too." He leans in and kisses my belly.

* * *

Angie leans tiredly into Rob as she sits down for breakfast. She's been on pre-breakfast shift this week, and she's not handling the early morning hours as well as she usually does. Rob turns so he can kiss the top of her head. She smiles wearily at him. "Are you going to take a nap?"

Angie closes her eyes and answers softly, "What do you think?"

"I think you'd better." His voice is slightly stern.

"I promise."

He frowns when he looks over and sees the empty place in front of her. "Where's your breakfast?"

"I ate a little before work."

"Angie…" Rob's voice is worried.

"I'll eat more later, I promise. I just can't eat anything now."

Rob looks around the table. It looks like he is trying to take in who all is here. "Are you ready?" I wouldn't have heard his question if Eli and I weren't seated directly across from them.

Angie smiles tiredly. "Can I go to bed after?"

"Yes." Rob raises his voice. "Can I have everyone's attention?"

The group stops talking and looks over at him.

"What's up?" Leeann asks from her spot on my other side.

"Angie and I wanted to let you all know that in about six months, we're going to be parents."

Leeann squeals and jumps up. She hurries around the table. "Angie! That's wonderful!" She hugs her.

Bekah grins. She glances at me but then keeps her gaze away deliberately. She knew their secret, too. Eli takes my hand under the table and squeezes it. It's nice to know that our baby will have someone to play with.

* * *

"Do you wish we had said something?" Eli asks me out of the blue when we are getting ready for bed.

I look over at him, puzzled, wondering what he's talking about. "Said something about what?" My voice is sharper than I intend for it to be. "Please don't start in the middle of a conversation like I'm supposed to know what you are talking about."

"Calm down." Eli draws me into his embrace.

I relax into him, tears pricking the back of my eyelids. He's going to leave me if I don't get my emotions under control. Seven months of me alternately snapping and crying and giggling will have him moving back in with Nick.

"Do you wish we had told them we are expecting, too?" he asks gently when he feels me release the tension I was holding.

"No," I shake my head. "Bekah says the greatest chance of miscarriage is in the first three months. Angie and Rob waited until that time frame was over to tell everyone. I think we should, too. Besides, we haven't told your parents yet, and after the way Leeann hijacked our engagement, I'd kind of like to be able to plan out how we're going to tell them together."

Eli laughs. "You have a good point."

"Besides…" I take a deep breath. We haven't talked about Leeann yet. "I wouldn't have wanted to ruin Rob's and Angie's excitement of telling everyone, if Leeann isn't happy about our baby." I cover my stomach with my hand, like I'm protecting the baby against this happening.

Eli puts his hand over mine. "She'll be excited about our baby, too."

I shake my hand. "Eli, she's been pretty emphatic about the idea that you and I shouldn't have kids."

"She'll change her mind," he states simply.

I know I look skeptical at this. He hasn't been around for the multiple times Leeann has told me, both before and after the wedding, that the Pedrad line should just die out.

"She will." Eli moves his hand from my stomach to my back and pulls me in close, tipping his head down towards me, and I automatically raise myself up on tip toes so it's easier for us to kiss. The pressure of his lips on mine pushes all thoughts of Leeann and how she might react from my mind.

* * *

"So, I was thinking…" I rub my hand lightly over my belly.

Eli grins like he's laughing at me.

"What's so funny?" I hear the irritation in my voice, but I don't plan to apologize this time. I don't like being laughed at.

"If you don't quit touching your belly every time you're nervous, someone is going to figure out you're pregnant."

I quickly move my hand away from my still-flat stomach. "I only do that at home."

Eli shakes his head at me. "What were you thinking?"

"The family usually has dinner together once a month, right?"

"That's what Mom tries to do, but I don't think it's going to happen this month. She's been pretty busy."

"What if we offer to have dinner here and we can tell your family then?"

"Are you sure that's not going to be too much for you?" Eli looks worried.

"You don't think I can handle it?" I try to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

Eli smiles and takes me in his arms. "I know you can do it. I also know that you're pregnant, and…"

"I can do it," I say firmly.

"I'll invite the masses, then." Eli quickly gives in. "Mom will want to know what she can bring."

I think for a second. "Salad?"

Eli laughs. "That's what Leeann brings. It's the one thing we know she won't mess up."

I hadn't thought about what to have anyone bring yet, since I hadn't thought about what to serve. "What do you think I should make?"

Eli thinks for a moment. "Something Italian. Everyone likes Italian."

"Spaghetti or lasagna?" Those are the two Italian dishes Taylor has given me the recipes for.

"Spaghetti," Eli smiles as he names the one I've actually fixed. "Nick can bring the bread and Mom can bring dessert."

There's a strange bubble of excitement and nervousness in my stomach as Eli and I get ready to have the family dinner at our apartment. It's the first time we've had everyone here, and add to that the news we have to share…

Taylor and Abram will be excited about being grandparents. I have no doubt about this.

It's the younger generation that I'm more than a little concerned about. I have no idea how Nick will respond, none at all. He's never said anything to me about Eli and me having kids. Leeann, on the other hand, has hinted multiple times to me that Eli and I shouldn't have kids, but she's my best friend, and she adores Eli. She'll put her feelings aside and be happy for us, won't she?

* * *

My hand covers my stomach and rubs up and down. Eli keeps teasing me privately about how I've picked up that habit since we found out I'm pregnant, but when I get nervous, it calms me down, just knowing there's a little bit of Eli there.

Suddenly arms are reaching around me from behind and I feel a soft kiss on the side of my neck. "It's going to be fine. Relax," Eli assures me.

I turn in his arms and hug him back. "I am relaxed."

"Sure you are." He chuckles. "The last time you were this relaxed, you were worried about how Leeann would react to us being engaged! And she was her normal ecstatic self about that. She will be about this, too," he predicts confidently.

* * *

Eli and I decided he is in charge of telling his family, but right now I'm really wishing we had discussed his timing. If he doesn't tell them soon, I'm going to explode! For some reason, he's decided to wait not only until after we've finished eating, but also _after_ we have the dishes done. In fact, it takes Nick's announcement that he needs to leave to finally get Eli to say something.

"You can't leave yet."

"Why not?" Nick demands.

"Because Hana and I have something to tell everyone, and you don't want to miss it."

Nick looks at Eli and then at me. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

Nick stands up. "If you're just going to play around, Eli, I'm heading out. I'm not in the mood for your games tonight. I had a really long day today; Max was in a horrid mood. I have to be at work early tomorrow, and I have a bad feeling tomorrow will be as miserable as today was. So, either spit it out or catch me another time."

"You really don't want to leave," Eli warns him.

Nick raises an eyebrow at Eli. "Then start talking."

"Why don't you sit back down first?"

Nick lets out an exasperated breath and sits back down on his seat.

"First of all, you're all sworn to secrecy." Eli looks at them very seriously. "You can't tell anyone what we're about to tell you for another month."

I see a glimmer of hope in Taylor's eyes. I have a feeling she has high hopes for what we're about to tell them.

Eli's eyes lock on Leeann. We all know she's the weakest link. If anyone tells our news before we tell them it's okay to, it will be Leeann.

"What?" Leeann tries to look innocent. "You think I would tell?"

I stifle a laugh.

"Yes," Eli says seriously, "considering the fact you had us all over to your apartment so you wouldn't miss us telling Mom and Dad we're engaged, and then you had to get Carly to cover the end of Hana's shift so you didn't have to keep from telling them for an _hour_ before Hana got there. Yes, I think you're the most likely to tell everyone else before we're ready."

The rest of the family laughs.

"Fine," Leeann huffs. "I won't tell."

"Hana and I just found out recently that we're going to have a baby." I don't think I've ever seen Eli with a bigger grin on his face.

Taylor jumps up and hugs first Eli, and then me. By the time she gets to me, there are tears running down her cheeks. "Oh, Hana!"

Abram smiles broadly.

Nick sits there for a second, looking shocked. " _That_ ," he says as he stands up, "was worth hanging around to hear. Congratulations." He shakes Eli's hand and hugs me.

I'm so busy with everyone else that I miss Leeann's initial reaction. "NO!" she finally yells. "NO!"

Chaz tries to calm her down, but she pulls away from Chaz and turns on us. "How stupid are the two of you? Do you not have a brain between you? You can't! How dare you put a baby through this?" She looks me square in the eye. "How _selfish_ can you be?"

The room goes silent.

"Leeann, we need to leave," Chaz says softly and sternly but lovingly, "before you say something you'll regret even more than what you've said already." He takes ahold of her upper arm and starts to pull her up.

She stands with him, but then pulls her arm away with a jerk. "I'm _not_ going to regret anything I say. What I _am_ regretting is the fact that I didn't say anything sooner. I should have talked to Eli instead of trusting _you_ to," she says harshly, glaring at me. "You're both fools."

"Leeann!" Taylor's voice is a mix of shock and horror at what Leeann has just said.

"Leeann, you will stop right there. It's Eli's and Hana's decision, not yours. After all, Taylor is perfectly fine." Abram's firm voice shocks all of us. This is obviously something he's thought about before. "She shows no signs of what your mom had, and she's much older now than your mom was. Don't you think if she had it and could have passed it on to Eli, she would have shown signs of it by now?"

"You don't know that!" Leeann shouts back. "They never figured out what Mom had. They couldn't tell us _anything_ useful, except that we might get it, too!" She looks from Abram to Taylor to Nick and finally to Eli. "You really want to put Hana through what Dad went through? You want her to suffer through losing you while trying to take care of your baby? You want to make another child suffer how Nick and I did?"

Eli moves between me and Leeann like his body can block the hurtful words spewing from her mouth. "Leeann." His voice is low.

But she ignores him and continues. "No! _You_ know what can happen. Did you even think about it?" Tears begin to stream down her face. "Did you even think about the fact that you could be setting this baby up to go through what we did? What if _you_ have what mom had? Do you really want to put Hana _and_ a baby through that? _You're_ not going to be the one picking up the pieces, because you'll be _dead._ _We_ will be the ones picking up the pieces this time. I can't do that, Eli. I can't watch it happen again. I can't live through it again. I can't…" She breaks into loud sobs.

Chaz pulls her to him, and he holds her so her back is to the rest of the room. "I'm taking her home," he mouths.

Eli nods.

"Congratulations," he mouths again. He doesn't want Leeann to hear him say something that might be positive about the baby. "Sorry." He still mouths it so she doesn't know what he is saying. He leads her away.

The rest of us remain frozen until we hear the door click shut behind them.

"That could have gone better," I say softly.

Eli wraps his arms around me. "Don't worry, Sweetheart, she'll come around. It won't take long, either," he predicts confidently.


	7. Chapter 7 - Tantrum

**Allie (mentioned) memeber of Ben's initiation class. Natalie and Hana made it look like she had fallen from the ropes course and died, because she is Divergent.**

 **Chapter 7 Tantrum**

It turns out Eli's prediction about Leeann couldn't have been more wrong. The first couple of meals we don't see Leeann and Chaz at, I tell myself it's just a coincidence. On the third day after we told the family about the baby, I see Leeann get up with an almost full tray when Eli and I head that way, and I see Chaz shake his head and take a big bite before he follows her. This is when I realize she really is so upset about the baby that she is _intentionally_ avoiding us.

Eli doesn't seem to notice his cousin snubbing us, or at least he acts like he doesn't. I should be excited about the baby, and I am… as long as I don't think about Leeann.

* * *

The first week, no one seems to notice that Leeann and Chaz are avoiding us. The second week, it becomes pretty obvious when I see Leeann sit down with her back to us right before we get to the table. As soon as she realizes Eli is sitting next to her, she stands up and, without even taking one bite of food, she leaves. My emotions are so haywire these days that I don't know if I want to cry or scream. Eli puts a hamburger on my plate, giving me something different to focus on, so I manage to do neither.

Eli works on keeping my plate full during dinner. I pay attention to everything I eat to keep myself from thinking too much about the whole Leeann situation. It probably helps that I know Eli's keeping track of everything I eat. So I eat to try to keep from worrying him. He hasn't been sleeping well, so I know he's upset about Leeann, too, even though he won't admit it to me.

I have to be at work right after dinner, so when I think I've eaten enough to make Eli happy, I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and pick up my tray. It surprises me when Angie picks up her tray too, whispers something to Rob, and then gives him a quick kiss and walks away with me. We return our trays without saying anything. I wonder what's going on when she doesn't head back to the kitchen but instead follows me.

"What's up with Leeann?" Angie corners me as we leave the cafeteria. "And don't tell me you don't know. Last week when she first started acting this way, I thought she and Chaz were having another one of their fights, but I realized yesterday, it's not Chaz she's avoiding. She leaves the table and Chaz follows her, like the obedient husband that he is, and she lets him. If she was mad at him, he wouldn't be devotedly following her. I feel a little silly right now, because it just dawned on me at dinner that she leaves whenever you or Eli show up, so what happened?"

I take a deep breath, suddenly very, very tired. "Angie, I don't want to talk about it." My eyes close and I feel tears building beneath them.

"Hana…" Angie's voice trails off. There is only a moment or two of silence before she answers her own question. "You're pregnant! You and Eli are going to be parents, and Leeann's throwing a tantrum."

My eyes fly open, and I try to figure out how to deny it, but I already know there is no use in trying. If I do, she'll only throw it back at me in a couple more weeks when we tell everyone. Instead, I nod slowly, feeling a tear fall from each eye as I do.

"Hana, that's wonderful!" She hugs me, then pulls away. "Isn't it?"

"Everyone who knows thinks it's wonderful, except…" My voice trails off. I just can't bring myself to say her name. I realize that Angie's already figured it all out, but there is still something about the idea of saying it out loud that will make it real.

"Leeann?" Angie finishes for me.

"Yeah, she's… she's pretty mad at me."

"It will be okay, eventually. Leeann has always been the type that when she's gets mad at something or someone, she holds onto it longer than she should, but eventually she sees reason and things go back to normal. Just don't expect her to apologize," Angie cautions me. "I don't think I've ever seen or heard of Leeann actually apologizing. She'll just suddenly go back to normal and never say anything about it."

"I don't care if she apologizes," I tell Angie, past the lump in my throat. "I just want my friend back."

* * *

I can't seem to convince Eli that it's okay to go to bed without me when I work the afternoon and evenings shifts. He still has to get up at the same time, but he refuses to go to bed without me. Sultana sent me home early tonight. I think she's suspicious that something is going on. I'm not sure if she knows Leeann is mad at me about something, or if maybe Taylor let her in on our secret, or if she's figured out about the baby the same way she figured out Eli and I were dating. It doesn't matter what her reason is, I'm too tired and glad to be heading home to care.

I'm surprised when I open the door and see Chaz seated on the couch, talking to Eli. I lean against the door after I close it. "Hi."

"Shhh…." Chaz puts a finger over his lips. "I'm not really here. I snuck away to talk to Eli and check on you."

I give him a ghost of a smile and close my eyes against the forming tears.

"Are you okay?" Oddly enough, it's Chaz who asks me.

"I'm just tired. And I miss Leeann," I admit softly.

Eli stands up, but so does Chaz, and Chaz reaches me first. He gives me a hug. "For what it is worth, Leeann misses you, too," he tells me as he pulls back. "She's just being bull-headed."

Eli's arms claim me next, but he doesn't let go, not even when the oh-so-familiar tears start to soak through his shirt. When I'm under control he turns me around so I'm facing Chaz, but keeps his arms wrapped around me.

"Chaz dropped by to see if I had any ideas of how to get through to Leeann." Eli gives a small laugh. "He should have realized that if I had any ideas, I would have used them by now."

* * *

Chaz's late evening visit makes me feel a little better. Knowing that he's on our side, and even willing to risk visiting us, means a lot to me. I realize the next day as I wait for the elevator to head home after work that I've never seen him go against Leeann on _anything_ before, so I know coming by the apartment to see us was a true act of bravery for him.

The elevator doors slide open, and to my surprise Leeann is already inside. I step in, unsure of what to expect. There was a time when, before the doors closed, we would have already been talking catching up on the hours since we last saw each other. This time there is silence, and we don't start catching up on the _weeks_ it has been since we last spoke. The door closes as an awkward silence fills the car.

"Leeann…" I try hesitantly.

I am met with silence.

"Leeann," I try again, tears building in my eyes, "can't we talk, please?"

She continues her stony silence, the muscles in her jaw moving up and down as she clenches and relaxes them. Finally, five floors away from our apartments, she speaks. Her voice is still filled with as much venom as it was the night we told her about the baby. "I _tried_ talking. I _tried_ making sure you understood before you got yourself into this mess. I _told_ you it was a bad idea for you to have a baby, but you didn't listen to me. Why should I talk to you now?" She turns to me and I see the full force of her anger in her normally kind brown eyes.

"Because we're _friends_ , and not just friends, but we're also _family_ now and…"

Leeann's bitter laugh cuts me off. "We are _not_ friends. You're married to my cousin, and that does make us family, but we aren't _friends_ , not anymore. Not after the way you stabbed me in the back."

" _I_ stabbed _you_ in the back?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"Yes," Leeann says forcefully, " _you_ stabbed _me_ in the back. You knew how I felt about you and Eli having kids, and you let him knock you up anyway."

"Eli and I having kids isn't _your_ decision. It's _our_ decision." My voice becomes firm. I realize we didn't exactly make the decision, but I'm not about to admit that to her.

Her finger reaches out and she pushes the button for the next floor. The elevator quickly comes to a stop.

"Where are you going?" I ask as the doors start to open.

"I'll take the stairs from here. It seems like a better option than being stuck on this elevator with you."

I push the button to hold the doors closed so she can't get out, but I am too late; she slips through the crack as they start to close, so they automatically open wider. As the doors close behind her, I want to scream, I want to throw something, I want to cry, I want to stomp my feet, I want bang my fist on the wall, I want to do _something_ to get rid of the rage and hurt that are suddenly filling me. But I do nothing, because the elevator doors open on my floor. I press my hands to my eyes and hope that if I pass any of my neighbors in the hallway they won't be able to tell the state I am in.

* * *

Natalie leaves me by ropes course with a new drive in my pocket, along with the instructions for it. For now, we're trying to keep our meetings as short and as public as possible so my absences aren't as noticeable to Eli. The one thing Natalie has been emphatic about in all of this, is that the fact that she and I work together has to be between the two of us. She reminds me nearly every time we meet now, that the more people who know what she does and that I help her, the more dangerous it is for both of us.

She's also made sure I understand that includes telling Eli.

I don't like it. I don't like keeping _anything_ from Eli, especially not something this big. At the same time, I can understand why she feels this way. She is right about it too, and I realize that. I realize that the more people that know Natalie is from the other side of the fence, the more likely it is that someone will decide to do something about that. So for now, I keep the secret of Natalie from Eli.

Of course, Natalie doesn't know that I'm keeping a secret from her, too. She has no idea that I'm going to be a mother before the year is over. I haven't seen the right opening to tell her about the baby. Maybe I'm afraid to. After Leeann's reaction, it is very possible that I'm terrified of another friend reacting poorly to the idea that I'm going to be a mom and to me, Natalie has more of a reason to be upset by me being pregnant than Leeann does.

"What are you doing here?" I'm surprised to hear Zane's voice behind me. I'm sure he must be talking to someone else, so I don't turn to answer him. "Hana, what are you doing here?" He adds my name to it as he asks again.

I turn around to face him. "I heard this is where Allie fell from. I guess I just wanted to check it out myself."

Zane puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around so I'm facing him. "You know, that's kind of morbid."

I give a small chuckle. "I guess it is. I probably should get going. It's almost dinner time." I start to walk away, intending to leave Zane behind, but he falls in step with me.

"You know," he says softly, "I never got a chance, before now, to tell you how sorry I am for what Jude put you through."

I stop abruptly. "What do you have to be sorry about?"

"I was engaged to her. I should have stopped her," he answers me, his dark brown eyes focused on me. It's the first time I've really seen his eyes, and I realize how different they are from Eli's. Zane's eyes droop slightly in the corners, but it's more than that. It's the color. Both of them have brown eyes, but where Eli's have those golden flecks in them that reflect light and love, Zane's are darker, more foreboding. They are brown with darker brown almost black flecks in them. They draw me in and repel me at the same time.

"Zane, she told me that she blackmailed you into proposing. How were you supposed to stop her?

Zane gives a short bark of a laugh. "She told you that, did she? She may have thought she blackmailed me into it, but in reality, I almost got what I wanted."

A chill runs up my back. He did love her. "Zane…" I'm not sure what to say.

"It's okay, Hana, it is probably best that she died. She wasn't all that…" he searches for the right word, "stable, but there was something about her that drew me in." He laughs. "Like a moth to the flame. She was the flame and I've come to realize that in the end, either she would have burned me, or she was going to have to be snuffed out."

I start walking again, hoping he will stay behind this time, but he doesn't. He falls in step next to me. We walk together in silence until we get back to the Pit, and even then he continues to wordlessly accompany me. I head towards the tattoo parlor, hoping that Tori is working. I don't want to be alone with Zane right now, not even in a crowd of people. We're about fifty feet from the tattoo parlor when he suddenly starts speaking again. "It was nice talking to you, Hana. Have a good day." Then he veers off and heads another direction.

Confused, I wonder what just happened. "What were you and Zane talking about?" Eli comes up behind me.

"I'm not sure," I answer honestly. "I ran into him and he apologized for not stopping Jude. Then he just suddenly… left."

Eli looks at me for a second, then takes my hand. "I've been looking for you. I have an idea that might help with Leeann."

"What?" I ask anxiously.

"I think we need to go ahead and tell everyone," he keeps his voice low, "about the baby. You say Angie's already figured it out, which means Rob knows, and if Leeann's just trying to keep from saying something around everyone else…"

I don't think he's right. I don't think Leeann is staying away from us just to help us keep our secret about the baby, but maybe she is. Maybe she's afraid that in her anger she'll let something spill, and despite how mad she is, she's still trying to keep her promise not to tell. I'm willing to try anything to get her to at least talk to one of us. "Might as well, we're pretty much at the three month mark anyway. Should we tell everyone at dinner tonight?"

"That's what I was thinking. I'll make sure Nick knows to let Leeann and Chaz know that we've told everyone, since she's still talking to him." I hear the hurt in Eli's voice. It's another sign that Leeann's reaction has bothered him more than he's been willing to voice to me.

"Sounds like a plan," I say smiling as I lift myself on tip toes to kiss his jaw. "This time I'm pretty sure everyone will be happy for us."

"It _has_ to be better than last time," he mutters, barely loudly enough for me to hear him.

* * *

Dinner is the normal group, minus Leeann and Chaz. I find myself hoping that Eli is right and that Leeann will come around after she knows we have told everyone about the baby. I see an empty seat next to Angie and slip into it. This could work out even better than I thought it would. Eli and I talked about it on the way here. We're not making a big announcement like Rob did. My idea is a little more subtle than that.

When there is a lull in the conversation, I start. "So," I tap Angie's knee with my mine, hoping she understands where I am going with this, "I realized today that I've never heard when you're due."

Angie smiles. "July."

I feel my own smile brighten; in that moment, I forget about Leeann, and I can actually be happy about the baby. "I guess the kids will be pretty close in age then. I'm due in September."

There is a moment of silence and then I hear the clang of a few pieces of silverware hitting the plates.

"Hana, did you just say what I think you said?" Kelly asks.

I look over at her, trying to look innocent, but I can't stop smiling, so I'm sure I don't pull it off. "What do you think I said?"

"That you're pregnant, too."

"Yes, I'm pregnant, too."

Abilyn starts laughing. We all look at her, trying to figure out what is so funny. She turns to Ben. "Turns out we weren't the first couple from our Nuptials Day to get pregnant after all. Of all people, Eli and the Stiff beat us to it!"

This time even Bekah's jaw drops at her statement. Either Bekah is a better at looking surprised than I thought, or she wasn't at the infirmary when Abilyn took her test.

"Abilyn!" Ben hisses.

Suddenly she stops laughing and covers her mouth with both hands. "Oops!"

Ben shakes his head indulgently at her. "Might as well tell everyone now, but please," he looks at the rest of us, "don't say anything. We haven't told my family yet."

"We just found out yesterday." Abilyn bubbles with excitement. "So, I'm not due until around Risk Day."

Three babies! I smile as I put my hand over my stomach for the first time in public and give it a little pat. It's nice to know our little one will grow up with a couple of built-in playmates.

 **In the FanFiction world the Dauntless canon babies from Zeke's initiation are already in the story. If you want to start guessing who has which one, you may!**

 **The real world isn't so good right now. There has been a major real life medical event in my family. I'm writing this author's note as I get ready to go back into the hospital. Right now my focus is between the hospital where my husband is, our daughter, and my new job. I don't know when I'll get a chance to update again. I'm hoping I'll be back up and publishing within a month, but I have to take care of real life and my family first. Please be patient with me. I'll start publishing again as soon as my life is stable.**


	8. Chapter 8 - Surprise

**First of all, to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and sent prayers and good wishes my way when my husband was in the hospital, thank you. It was a closer call than we realized at first. People in their 30's shouldn't have arteries in their heart that are 90% blocked. I know they do, and people even younger than that do, too, but… it's just not what you expect to hear.**

 **Anyway, thank you for your patience and willingness to wait for this chapter while I dealt with real life, which is beginning to smooth out a little. I'm starting to find time to write again. There are still things that I need to take care of that haven't been my responsibility in the past. With this in mind updates will probably be once a week to start. (I'm not committing to a day of the week.) Hopefully I'll be able to increase it to every 4-5 days before too long.**

 **THANK YOU isn't enough to say to Bahrfamily who has been here through everything from the email I sent her saying, "I'm in the parking lot of the hospital. I just dropped off my husband at the ER and I'm heading in," to yesterday's email over medicines and everything in between. And then there is, of course, her help on this chapter…**

 **So, here is the long awaited Chapter 8. Hope you enjoy it.**

 **Chapter 8 Surprise**

Telling our friends actually has helped. Maybe Leeann _was_ afraid that in her anger, she would end up saying something about the baby. Even though she is still mad at us, maybe the Pedrad family loyalty is what really drove her to stay away from us for the last month.

Angie has been there for me through all of the Leeann mess. After Leeann started sitting with us again, Angie is the one who let me know that when I leave dinner to go to work, Leeann _does_ talk to Eli. It's just when I'm around that she refuses to speak to him. Angie also tells me that she and Eli have made a deal. Every couple of days, she asks Eli about how the baby and I are doing, and he tells her, even though they both know she already knows how I am doing. She assures me that even though Leeann tries her best to look uninterested during their conversation, she is paying attention.

Kelly's the only other one who seems to realize what Leeann is putting me through. She's been encouraging, too. I guess it helps that both of them have seen Leeann hold grudges before, although Kelly inadvertently let it slip the other day that she's _never_ seen Leeann stay mad this long before.

I'm beginning to think that Leeann meant what she said that day in the elevator. We aren't friends any more. I'm just an in-law, and not a very well-liked one at that.

* * *

I stare at my closet, trying to figure out what to wear. I don't have a lot of choices any more. I'm down to two pairs of pants that will still clasp around my growing waist, and an ugly dress I hate that makes me look fat instead of pregnant.

I grab one of the pairs of pants. It's the snugger of the two pairs, and I discover that today is the day that the button just won't meet with the button hole. I take them off and put them to the back of the closet with the rest of the clothes I can't wear any more. Grabbing the second pair of pants, I notice the back of my closet has more clothes than the front of my closet does these days. Besides a few loose shirts, everything is in the back of the closet.

Exhaling and sucking in my stomach gets the button on the second pair of pants hooked. I'm going to have to get more to wear soon. Wearing my pants like this is a little painful. I take a breath and the button pops off completely. Tears spring to my eyes and I slump back down on the bed, crying.

"Hana, are you about ready to…" Eli's voice trails off. I feel the bed move as he sits down next to me; then his arms draw me in and he holds me tight. "What's wrong?" It amazes me, the patience Eli has for me and my emotions these days.

I show him the button from my pants.

"Do you want me to get you a different pair?" he asks softly.

"This was the last pair that fit," I sniffle. "All I have left is a dress."

Eli lets out an exasperated breath. "Then put on the dress and go shopping... _today_."

* * *

I don't know how to tell Eli I've never gone shopping by myself. In Abnegation, there's no need to shop, because everything is alike. We simply picked up our clothes when it was time. Ever since I've been Dauntless, Leeann has taken me shopping. I'm not sure how to do it by myself, but I promise Eli to get some new clothes today. Somehow, I manage, by myself, to find the store that Leeann has had the most luck finding me clothes, but once I go inside, I'm _really_ not sure what to do. _Nothing_ looks like it will fit me. I finally find pants that have a draw string. They fit, for now. They have two pairs in my size; I grab them both. It's better than nothing.

* * *

I'm surprised when, the week before Choosing Day, Natalie sends me a message to meet her in her old room right after dinner the next day. I read that and wonder how I am supposed to hide _this_ visit from Eli. I keep reading and realize the rest of the message solves that problem. It tells me not to worry about Eli. He'll be called into work. I shake my head. Natalie is a puppet master. She always knows what strings to pull to get what she needs done.

"Hana!" When I walk into the room, Natalie's exclamation catches me off guard.

"What?" I ask as I watch her pop out of the chair.

"Did you forget to tell me something?" She smiles broadly at me.

For a moment I'm puzzled at what she means, and then I suddenly laugh. Since Nuptials Day, we've mainly communicated by tablet, and when we've met, it's been a quick exchange of drives in a public place, and we haven't even done that since I started wearing Eli's shirts because mine don't fit right. "I guess I forgot to tell you Eli and I are going to have a baby in September."

"You didn't waste much time!" Her shoulders shake just a little with repressed laughter.

The Abnegation in me blushes surprised to hear her, a member of Abnegation, tease me that way. I tenderly place a hand over the baby, and I'm rewarded with a kick. "I guess we didn't."

"Is everybody happy?" Her honest green eyes look at me intently. It's like she knows someone isn't happy about it.

"Everyone but Leeann," I answer honestly. She knows Leeann from her time in Dauntless and is probably asking because she is suspicious of Leeann's reaction.

"She'll come around," Natalie assures me.

"That's what everyone says, but I haven't seen any sign of it yet." We're both sit down, quiet for a minute. I shake myself out of my thoughts of Leeann. "So, what's up?" I try to sound cheerful.

"I need to talk to you about Initiation. Jeanine's fear simulations are the only ones that will be run this year. I'm going to need you to be my eyes and ears here in Dauntless. I can keep watch on their simulations, but if you can keep track of the initiates and let me know if you hear anything unusual, it would help."

"That shouldn't be too hard. Jazz usually tries to sit close to them during initiation. She's a mother hen that way." I try out the Amity phrase that Jazz often uses to describe herself. "What am I looking for?"

"Anyone who you hear Jazz or Harrison talk about getting out of the simulation too fast, or…" she thinks for a moment, "anyone who doesn't act like you or your class."

* * *

It barely registers when Choosing Day comes and goes. The biggest change it makes in our lives is a slight shifting of seats at mealtime so Jazz can still sit with us and keep an eye on her initiates. It's a constant reminder that Visiting Day is quickly sneaking up on us. Deep inside, there is a little bubble of apprehension about that. I haven't been back to Abnegation since my Choosing Day. I'm nervous about heading back and letting my parents know they will be grandparents. They won't react like Leeann did- at least I'm pretty sure that they won't- but her reaction has me nervous about everyone's reactions, even my family.

"You need to go shopping," Angie tells me a couple of days after Choosing Day.

I look down at what has become pretty much my standard outfit since my regular clothes quit fitting: one of my two pairs of drawstring pants with one of Eli's shirts thrown over it. I know I should get something nicer to wear next week for Visiting Day, but I still have the dress that I don't like that I can wear there. I really don't have the heart for it. "What's wrong with this?"

Abilyn looks at me and laughs. "Everything is wrong with that." She turns to Angie. "I'm almost to the point where I could use some new clothes, too, and I have some time right now."

Angie smiles. "I could use a couple more shirts, too. Eli, we're taking your wife shopping for maternity clothes."

"Good. I'd like to get my shirts back," Eli responds dryly.

* * *

"I don't see why I need to buy so many clothes that I'm just going to wear for a few months," I complain as I listen to Angie start telling me what I need to get as we wind our way through the Pit.

"Because you're not going to get any smaller," Abilyn says, laughing at me, "and besides, there's a good chance you'll need them again!"

"I think one will be enough for us," I say softly.

Angie puts an arm around me. "Leeann will come around. You can't let her decide how many kids you have. If you did that, you wouldn't have this one."

I rub my belly. I wouldn't give our baby up for anything, but I miss Leeann.

I discover why I wasn't having any luck finding clothes that fit me at my normal store. It turns out there is a different shop dedicated to maternity and infant clothing, and toys. Really, it carries anything we could possibly need for a baby. A moment of panic hits me as I look at everything. I had no idea we were going to need so many things. Surely we don't? Gayle didn't have a quarter of these things for Jillian.

Angie and Abilyn start grabbing clothes and trying to figure out my size by holding things up to me. Soon I find myself stuffed in a changing room, being handed outfit after outfit to try on. I quickly lose track of how many outfits they hand me. I thought all three of us were supposed to be looking for clothes, but somehow it seems like one of them tries on one outfit for every five I try on. When I mention this to Angie, she laughingly reminds me that she has already has more clothes than I have, and Abilyn is just starting to get to the point where she needs them. I'm the one who _desperately_ needs them. I try on pants and shirts, dresses, and jumpers; they even manage to get me into a pair of overalls, which, although they seem a little Amity to me, are actually pretty comfortable.

"That's the outfit," Abilyn says with a trace of awe in her voice.

"The outfit for what?" I ask.

Angie looks at me, too and agrees with Abilyn. "That's the outfit to wear for Visiting Day. Hana, you look beautiful."

I turn from the two of them and look at myself in the mirror for the first time since we started shopping, since my old Abnegation habit of avoiding mirrors seems to be stronger than ever these days. I open my mouth to deny what they have said, but I can't. My face seems to glow and I have a peaceful smile. The wide round collar of the shirt almost seems to frame my face. The top of the jumper is fitted, but not snug, and it flows gently to mid-calf. You can just see a hint of the baby rounding it. "I think you're right," I whisper.

"Why don't you surprise Eli and wear it home?" Abilyn suggests.

"I don't know…"

"Come on," Angie joins in. "You've been wearing those hideous make-do outfits for so long, that I bet Eli would love to see exactly how gorgeous you look pregnant."

"Are you allowed to wear them out?" I ask, fingering the soft material of the dress. I have no idea. I've never done this before.

"I bet we can work it out." Abilyn leaves the dressing room and disappears.

"So, what else are you getting? Two pairs of pants and five shirts minimum," Angie counsels me. While we sort through the clothes, Abilyn shows up with a pair of scissors. She cuts off the tags and tells me that she's taking the tags to the cashier so I can wear my new outfit home. Angie tries to push me into buying a couple more outfits than what she said was my minimum, but I hold firm at that. Abilyn takes off with the last rejects. I appreciate their help, I really do. I hate shopping by myself; it makes me really miss Leeann, because she always made it fun. Angie and Abilyn did their best, but it still wasn't the same.

"Abilyn is already headed back home," Angie tells me as she hands me one of the two bags of clothes.

"You can go, too," I say, holding out my hand for the second bag.

"No way! You're stuck with me. Rob told me if I get back in time, he wants to go to the fights tonight. I have no intention of getting home until it's late, far too late!" she replies with a laugh. "Come on, I want to look at baby things. It will kill some more time so I don't get home too soon." She laughs. "I can't seem to convince Rob that those seats are horrible on a pregnant woman's back!"

* * *

We walk through the Pit to the elevators, talking about our babies. I have a small black bib tucked in with my clothes. When Angie found out we didn't have _anything_ yet, she told me I had to buy _something_ for the baby. It surprises me when she tells me _all_ the things they've already bought for their baby. She's only a couple of months further along than I am, but she and Rob have a lot more things for their baby than we do. "Boy or girl?" Angie asks me. She knows we were supposed to find out at our last appointment.

I shake my head.

"You didn't find out?" Angie sounds surprised.

"Not telling."

"Hana! You have to tell. We already told you that we're having a girl."

I smile at her. "After Visiting Day. We decided that since my parents are the last ones to find out that we're expecting, they get to be the first ones to hear what we're having."

That leaves Angie quiet until we're in the elevator by ourselves. "It's hard, isn't it? Not having your family around, I mean."

I nod. "I knew when I left that it would be, but just when I think it's getting easier," I rub the baby, "something happens and I start missing them all over again."

"Are you excited about Visiting Day?" she asks hesitantly.

"I am… and I'm not. I'm excited to see my family, but in Abnegation they usually wait a year or two before they start having kids. They say it's selfish to have kids right away before you have a stable marriage. So, I'm not sure how they will react," I tell her honestly, as the elevator doors open on my floor.

"They'll be thrilled. Grandparents always are," Angie predicts with a smile as we step off the elevator together.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take that so you can go on home?" I check with her.

Angie shakes her head and grins. "I want to see Eli's reaction to your new outfit. Besides, Rob would say if we hurry, we could still make the fights. So, you're stuck with me a little bit longer. I'm not headed home quite yet."

We laugh together as we walk to Eli's and my apartment. When we get to my door, I pause and automatically look over at Leeann's. I know that even if she were to walk out as I stand here, she would ignore me, but it doesn't keep me from looking and hoping.

Angie puts a hand on my arm. "She'll come around. It may not be until after the baby is born, but she'll come around."

I smile my thanks and open the door. "Eli!" I call out. "I'm home! Angie wants to see what you think of my new outfit."

Angie laughs softly.

"Surprise!" I'm not sure who all says it. It seems to be everyone. I look around the apartment, surprised by the number of people here.

"What…?" I search through the sea of faces for Eli, who quickly comes up to me and puts his arms around me.

"Happy Birthday, Sweetheart."

I look at him and then at all the people in our apartment. Taylor, Abram, Sultana, Kamil, Bekah, Conner, Carly, Micah, Gus, Abilyn, Ben… there are more but I can't take them in all at once. "Eli…" I cling to his dress shirt. "What is going on?"

He chuckles and grins at me. "It's a surprise birthday party for my wife."

"What did you do, throw a knife at the calendar and pick a date?" I ask and everyone laughs at that picture.

"No, Hana, today really is your birthday."

"How do you know that?" I challenge him. "I don't even know when it is."

Eli chuckles, but Nick answers. "Remember that night Eli was going to hang out with me, and you saw me without him in the Pit?"

"Yes…" I say slowly, thankful that he didn't mention Kelly being with me. It would just be a painful reminder to her of what we overheard that evening.

"I was afraid after you saw me there, that you were going to ask where Eli was."

"It did cross my mind," I admit.

"I was in Ava's office," Eli breaks in, "filling out the paperwork it takes to get vital records for a spouse, who doesn't know when her birthday is." Eli kisses me on the cheek and whispers in my ear. "By the way, Abilyn was right. You look stunning in your new dress."

* * *

As they make way in the crowded room for Eli and me to move to the couch for presents, I realize that even the thought of gifts make me uncomfortable. I wish I knew how to get over that part of me that is still Abnegation. I sit down with Eli right next to me and Taylor close by on the other side.

Tori laughs from her spot on the floor. "We did _not_ leave you enough room on the couch. I've never seen you sit on a chair the right way."

I try my best to smile back. I know my legs stop inches away from the floor. I'm sure I look more like a little kid than a woman who's about to become a mom, but there is no room for me to curl up and tuck my feet up like I normally do to hide it.

Eli is getting so used to my messed up emotions that he quickly says something to distract me. "Good things come in small packages."

"Well,"Abilyn hands me a bag with tissue paper coming out of it, "it's not the smallest thing here, but hopefully you'll think it's good."

I pull out the tissue paper and then the gift inside. I have to laugh when I realize it's one of the shirts that I liked, but decided against getting. "How did you know I would like it?" I tease, holding it out for everyone to see.

Abilyn's laugh sparkles. "Call it a hunch."

The next one is from Angie and Rob. It's a pair of pants. Again, I remember trying them on earlier today. "Thank you. How do you know they'll fit?"

Angie tries to keep a straight face when she answers. "Call it a hunch."

Jazz and Rais's present comes next. It's a pair of overalls like the ones I tried on earlier today. Leave it to Jazz to come up with something a little Amity for me. "Thank you! I tried on a pair today and they…" Suddenly a strange idea dawns on me. I look from Abilyn to Angie. The looks on their faces do nothing to convince me I'm wrong. "What did you two do, create a shopping trip so everyone knew my size?"

"And what you like!" Angie laughs. "Clothing was the only idea Eli had for you."

"That's why Angie kept you busy downstairs while I came up here with options for everyone to pick from," Abilyn tells me with a smile.

I look from Angie to Abilyn to Eli and all I can do is laugh. "Well," I tell Eli through the laughter, "I guess you're getting your shirts back."

* * *

The last present is from Leeann and Chaz. I hold their present in my hands for just a moment. Leeann has spent the whole time hiding in the kitchen, pretending to do things in there so she doesn't have to pay attention to me and my gifts. Even without taking into consideration the fact that this present is too small to hold clothes, I know this present won't have anything to do with the baby. For a moment, it crosses my mind that there's a good chance that Chaz is the one who picked it out.

I slowly open the wrapping paper and see a rectangle of black cardboard with black metal around the edges. It is hinged in the middle, and I carefully open it up. It's a picture frame with vines and flowers tangled together in the metal part. The pictures make me smile and cry at the same time. One side is Eli and me on Nuptials Day, standing at the echo chamber, probably right after we yelled our names inside. He is holding me from behind, his arms wrapped around my front, and my arms wrap around my front, too so I can hold onto him. For a moment, my eyes fix on Eli's face. Do I really make him that happy? His face looks like it is lit from within, but when my eyes take a brief second to look at my own face, I realize that I must. My face has the same radiance of love.

The picture on the other side is the one that makes me want to cry. It's a picture of the whole family on Nuptials Day. Eli and I are in the center. His parents stand on his other side; Leeann stands next to me. She could almost be the bride in that picture, she looks so happy. My finger touches her face and I feel what seems to be a permanent condition of my pregnancy: tears slowly tracing my cheeks. I look up and find her in the kitchen, but for once, she's paying attention to what is going on in the living room. In that brief moment, she looks like my friend again: her eyes aren't hard with hate and disapproval, but soft with hope that I'll like her gift and worry that I won't. Leeann is the one responsible for this gift, not Chaz. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. I clear my voice a couple of times before I finally I manage to choke out, "Leeann, it's perfect. I love it. Thank you"

Her relieved smile shows briefly before it vanishes, as she seems to remember she's supposed to be mad at me. Her "you're welcome" has lost some of the hard edge I've come to expect from her voice lately, but only some.

But it's enough to give me hope that maybe we will come out of this still being friends. That would be the best present of all.


	9. Chapter 9 - Visiting Abnegation

**Thank you all for your encouragement and excitement over the last chapter. It's nice to know you missed me as much as I missed you. (Even those of you who don't review I missed while I was gone!) This chapter was a struggle. It was written before and after he went into the hospital. BE VERY GLAD BAHRFAMILY GOT A HOLD OF THIS ONE FIRST! She didn't even edit the first copy I sent her but sent it back and basically wanted to know what on earth was going on in the chapter! Thanks to her, this version flows MUCH better. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Chapter 9 Visiting Abnegation**

It takes almost no time for the days between my newly-discovered birthday and Visiting Day to fly by. The only noteworthy thing to happen between the two events is the arrival of an urgent message from Natalie this morning. She thinks there is an Erudite plant in the Dauntless Initiation this year. Renee not only didn't receive a Dauntless test result, but also she was raised by her grandparents, both of whom are in Norton's Top Ten. Natalie thinks she's here to keep an eye on how the simulations go from the inside. This discovery is still turning through my head as Eli and I head out to catch the train to Abnegation. The fact that I don't know what trains to take to get back home didn't occur to me until Eli casually mentions that we'll have to change trains near the Hub. I guess there are advantages to being married to someone from Tech Support who goes all over town.

Transfers from Candor and Abnegation both start on the same train on Visiting Day. Eli is, of course, Eli, and decides that I can't jump on a moving train without his help now that I'm pregnant. While we wait for the train, he talks to Ben and offers to help both Abilyn and me onto the train.

Abilyn looks at me and rolls her eyes. Unlike me, she's barely showing. I think she wears maternity clothes simply because she likes being pregnant and all the questions she gets about it, whereas I wear maternity clothes because nothing else fits.

"Remember what I said!" Eli yells in my ear as we hear the train's whistle. "Grab the handle and then my hand."

I take off running as soon as Eli does and follow his directions. There's no point in trying to do it on my own. I'm more likely to get hurt from him trying to help me if I do it on my own, than by letting him be over-protective and help me. Abilyn, on the other hand, feels no compulsion to indulge my husband's over-protective side. She jumps on and swings in without any help from Ben or Eli.

"How will you find your parents?" Eli asks her as we settle in for the ride.

"They'll be at the Merciless Mart with the rest of the families," Abilyn states matter-of-factly. "We have a table there that we usually sit at for the debates, so I'm guessing they will be there, or close by. It shouldn't be too hard."

"Do you think they'll be surprised to see you?" I ask. I know mine will be surprised to see me.

"I don't think so. They know I've always wanted kids, but I don't know if they'll expect me here quite this soon!" She laughs. "What about you?"

I take a deep breath. That's the problem with Abnegation: it would be selfish for them to take the day off just in case I show up. "I'll probably try Gayle's house first. I think she might still be home from having her baby. If she's not, we'll try mom's work next."

"Wait, they won't be somewhere hanging out in case you come?" Ben sounds surprised.

I feel the tears coming on. I was really hoping that changing trimesters would straighten out my hormones so I don't have as many problems with this, but it hasn't.

"Abnegation sees taking the day off if they don't know the transfer is going to come as being selfish. Next year they'll take the day off since they'll know to expect us," Eli answers for me. I've already explained this to him, amid many tears, so he knows it's best if he answers it.

"They really are a different faction," Abilyn observes.

Eli wraps his arms around me from behind. We both know, Candor that she was raised, Abilyn doesn't mean anything by it, but we also both know I take so many things wrong right now. "But they are a good faction." Eli presses a kiss to the top of my head, and holds me close, letting me get my emotions back under control. I feel the train start to slow down a little. "Hana, this is where we change trains."

"See you at dinner tonight," Abilyn says with a smile as we prepare to jump off.

"No, at breakfast tomorrow," Eli responds back. "Mom's having us over for dinner tonight."

I owe Taylor for the invitation. I don't tire as easily as I did, but we all know that my emotions are haywire, and I'm not sure what they will be like after seeing my family. So, the fact that I can hide out at her and Abram's apartment with the family afterwards is a blessing.

Eli and I jump off together, and he grabs me as I start to lose my footing. "What's going on? You landed on the roof as a newbie better than this. You're usually more sure-footed."

"Jazz warned me that it's easier to lose your balance when you're pregnant."

* * *

We jump off the second train not too far from Gayle's house. Eli looks around and when he is sure no one is around, he runs his hand over my stomach and stops at the baby. "Are you ready to meet your other Grandma and Grandpa?" he asks the baby, holding his hand there like he does so often at home, hoping to feel the baby kick. He grins at me when he feels it. "Okay, the baby's ready. Now we can go."

I laugh at him as we walk the few blocks to Gayle's house. When we get to number thirty-seven, Gayle's house, I stop short.

"What's wrong?" Eli starts to put his arm around me and then stops. Apparently he remembers what we discussed about physical touch and Abnegation.

"Gayle doesn't live here anymore," I tell him softly.

Eli looks around, taking in each home. "How can you tell?"

His puzzled voice makes me smile. All the houses do look the same. There isn't even a toy in the yard or a plant in a window to make them look different. "They should have had the baby by now. These are homes for one child. They have two now."

As if to confirm my thoughts, I see the door to thirty-seven open and a young couple comes out. It's Marcus and the lady I saw him with at Nuptials Day. She doesn't really show, but I'm guessing she must be pregnant. They walk down the walk together. "Evelyn, we might as well move now, before we are asking people to help us move in the heat of summer. This house is already open. The last couple who lived here is a member of the council…" Marcus notices Eli and I standing there in our black Dauntless attire. He gives me a dirty look, but still speaks to me in a bland Abnegation voice. "May I help you?"

"I'm looking for Gayle." I feel my hair start to slip out of its bun I put it in today. I don't know why I thought I could actually keep it up in a bun. I hold my breath, hoping Marcus knows where lives now.

"I'm sorry, we don't know where she moved to," Evelyn answers.

Marcus gives her a look, and she looks down at the ground away from us. Then he looks me up and down critically. I try not to fidget under his gaze, but I can't keep myself from tucking my loose hair behind my ear while he responds, "I'm sorry, but my wife is right. We don't know where she moved to."

"Thank you." I automatically bob my head to him. I may not nod Abnegation-style back in Dauntless, but evidently when I'm in Abnegation, the habit comes right back to me.

Eli and I walk off, but I can hear Marcus talking to Evelyn as we do. "That was very selfish of you to answer her when she was talking to me."

"How was that selfish?" Her voice is small, almost too soft to hear.

"You were trying to show off your knowledge. I understand that you are used to sharing knowledge with others, Evelyn, but you really must learn to control that impulse and only speak when you are spoken to. This selfish impulse to show off your knowledge must be cast off, for your own good."

* * *

Grace's eyes light up when she sees Eli and me walk through the door at Mom's work. She stands up slowly with a small Abnegation smile. "I'll go get her."

I smile back my thanks.

Eli looks at me questioningly. "How does she…?"

"She's a childhood friend. We grew up next door to each other." I'm here, so as soon as Mom sees me, she'll know I'm pregnant, but I find myself lacing my fingers over the baby as if to prove the fact.

"Who is it?" I hear Mom asking Grace as they get ready to round the corner. Mom's eyes grow big when she sees me. "Hana." Her controlled Abnegation smile hardly changes, but her eyes are lit by a smile.

"Mom." I hear the longing in my voice.

"Grace," Mom turns to her, "I'm leaving for the day. Can you let everyone know?"

Grace nod back respectfully. "I can do that."

We walk out together. Eli's arm automatically reaches out to me and then pulls it back when he remembers where we are.

"Do you want to take the bus, or walk? This time of day, it will take longer to wait for the bus than to walk to our home. We only live about five blocks away," Mom says as we walk out the door.

I wonder why Mom is telling me this and then I realize it's Eli she's asking. Eli looks around. His gaze seems to be taking in the broken roads. The roads in Abnegation are definitely some of the worst in the city. They are dotted with pot holes and broken pavement that juts up in places. Then he looks at me. "I can handle the walk, but Hana…"

I shake my head and smile at him. He doesn't seem to think I can do anything these days. "Bekah keeps telling me exercise is good for me. The walk will be good for me and the baby." There is enough room on the sidewalk for the three of us to walk next to each other. I end up in the middle with Eli next to the road.

"Have you been to the house yet?"

I look at Mom is disbelief. "Why would I do that?" No one is home."

Mom's small smile slips out. "Gayle is there with the baby, just in case you showed up."

I laugh. "We were standing by her old house when I realized she would have moved. It never crossed my mind she might be at your house." There is a moment of silence and then I decide to continue. "Of course, I really didn't expect you to be looking for me."

"Hana," Mom's voice is gentle. "You aren't in Abnegation anymore."

* * *

"Gayle." Mom's voice rings through the silent house. I startle at how loud it is. In Dauntless it would be just above a whisper, but for an Abnegation house, it is loud. We hear the measured tread of Abnegation on the stairs. Eli hangs back with Mom while I head straight for the steps.

"Hana." Gayle's voice is soft and warm. A gray blanket -wrapped form is in her arms; the baby's head rests on her shoulder, dark eye lashes linings its cheek. When she gets to the bottom of the stairs, she shifts the baby so she can hand it to me. "This is Richard."

I take my nephew into my arms. I feel tears prickling at the back of my eyelids. This will mostly likely be the one and only time I see him, and if it wasn't for the baby I'm carrying, I wouldn't even have this chance. I press my lips to his forehead, letting myself take in the sweet baby smell and the weight in my arms. A tear slips from my eye. Gayle's hand touches my shoulder. I look up at her. "I have to admit, since you got married in November, I'm glad you're pregnant, so you could hold him, too."

It's one of many things I feel is unfair about Visiting Day. Unless Isaac comes to Dauntless, which I have problems picturing, I will probably never hold his children. Transfers are allowed to bring their newborns to meet the family, but the family left behind doesn't bring the new children to meet the transfer.

* * *

We all end up in the kitchen getting lunch ready. At first, Mom and Gayle try to get Eli and me to stay in the family room, but we're here to spend time with them, so it just seems silly to spend time in a different room. When we join them in the kitchen, I take the opportunity to hand Richard to Eli so I can help them. "I don't know what to do with him," he whispers loudly, hesitant to take him.

I smile and whisper back, "Then you better start figuring it out. You only have a few months before we're going to have one of our own." I look over at Mom and Gayle. They are facing away from us, so I place a quick kiss on Eli's forehead, and then I head back over to help with lunch.

We fall easily back into our routine of cooking together, of knowing what each other will need without saying anything, of each of us knowing what our part is to get ready. I didn't realize how much I missed the simple act of cooking with someone. I know Taylor likes cooking; maybe I should try it with her once in a while. The thought flashes in my mind that maybe the next time Leeann or I host the family meal, we should cook together and see if that helps heal our fractured relationship.

To me, the silence is peaceful and soothing; I forget Eli has never been around deep continued silence like this, so he really isn't comfortable with it. I certainly didn't expect the question he starts with. "Were you surprised when Hana left Abnegation?"

Mom smiles her small smile at Eli. "Not really. Hana always tried to fit in, but she never really did."

"So, how did you know she was going to leave?"

Gayle tries hard to bite back a laugh. "How did we _not_ know?"

"Gayle," Mom's voice is soft and reproving. Gayle joking about me not fitting in could be seen as hurtful to me, but it's not, especially not after spending four years in Dauntless.

"It's okay Mom. Let her tell her stories," I break in with a smile.

Gayle inclines her head up instead of nodding at me. It's our old sign for thank you. "There were a lot of things we noticed; some of them were little things. Things like she has never been able to wear her hair in a bun," she reaches out and tries to tuck my hair back into my bun like she did a million times growing up. Eli is staring at us, amazed by something. "But I have to admit, none of us thought she was headed to Dauntless."

"Why not?" Eli's voice shows his disbelief, but he's only known me as Dauntless. He doesn't know the lengths I went to, to try to be selfless and hide that part of me.

"In hindsight, after her Choosing Ceremony, I could see some of where she had been brave, and we had just believed her explanations that lead us in a different direction," Gayle starts. "One of the most obvious times was when she jumped off the bus as it pulled away from the curb."

Eli grins at me. "Why did you jump off a moving bus?"

I look at Gayle from the corner of my eyes and shake my head at her. She would start with that story. "Do you want the reason I told my family, or the real reason?"

Eli thinks for just a moment. "The reason you told your family first, and then the real reason."

"I told my family it was because of the little girl I saw trip on a broken section of the sidewalk. She didn't get up right away and I thought someone should check on her." I smile at Eli. "The real reason was that little girl falling was the first excuse I had ever seen to try to jump off a moving bus like the Dauntless jumped off of trains."

"Most of what she did though," Mom says softly, "was to be brave enough to tell the truth. She was blamed for a missing library book once…"

"I _have_ heard that story." Eli interrupts Mom.

"When did you hear that story?" I had no idea he had heard it. The only time I've told the story was in the dorms during initiation.

"Abilyn mentioned it once," Eli surprises me with his answer. I would have figured that Leeann was the one who told him.

I turn to Mom and Gayle. "It turns out the Candor girl who really did take the book came to Dauntless, too. She's one of my best friends now."

"I'm glad she didn't hold it against you." Mom's voice is gentle.

"Unlike other people we know," Eli says drily, "I don't think Abilyn can hold a grudge for long." I know he's thinking of Leeann, but neither of us say anything more than that.

"There's also the time," Mom continues on to another memory, "that she was at her friend's house and she broke the couch. Grace was the one who was going to get in trouble for it, but Hana admitted to doing it."

"And you didn't see that as her being selfless and keeping her friend out of trouble?" Eli asks.

"No," Gayle's eyes twinkle at me. "Hana broke the couch and then 'fixed' it so you couldn't tell it was broken. A more natural Abnegation would have admitted to breaking the couch and not tried to fix it."

"A more 'natural Abnegation'" I counter back, trying not to laugh, "wouldn't have been jumping on the couch in the first place."

"Is that what you were doing?" Even now, all these years after the fact, I hear the censure in Mom's voice.

"Yes," my voice is small. "I couldn't be a coward and let Grace take the blame for it."

"And we thought it was your Candor side that made you tell the truth," Gayle mutters just loudly enough to be heard.

"'We believe in acknowledging fear and the extent to which it rules us,'" Eli says softly.

"What's that?" Gayle asks curiously.

"Part of the Dauntless Manifesto," Eli says simply. "One of the many parts that fits my wife."

* * *

Even if I hadn't helped fix lunch for six people, it wouldn't have surprised me when Dad and Isaac show up for lunch. I've quickly come to the realization that the family has planned the day in case Eli and I showed up. They selflessly went about their normal day, while maybe selfishly planning it out to make sure we had time together as a family. They would probably tell you they had selflessly made the plans with me in mind, and maybe they really did.

We sit down to eat, with Richard asleep, surrounded by pillows on the floor.

"Is it safe to leave him like that?" Eli whispers to me anxiously as he places him in the middle of it.

"He'll be fine," I assure Eli. "Many a baby has slept that way."

I'm not sure if I hear Eli murmur, "Ours won't," or if I imagine it.

When we sit down, I automatically place my hands in my lap and bow my head for the silent prayer. Eli's movement catches my attention just in time for me to grab his hand as he reaches out for his food, and hold it under the table. As soon as Dad lifts his head from the prayer I let go of Eli's hand, for two reasons. First, Dad lifting his head is the signal to eat. Second, I'm not sure how Dad would react to seeing me hold my husband's hand at the table.

The meal starts off quietly. My family passes everything to Eli and me first before they start serving themselves. When I try to pass my favorite corn dish to Mom without taking any, Mom gives me a look and softly says, "You're our company today. Take some."

I know she means well, but I find myself fighting tears over her words. I'm company, I'm not family any more.

Eli handles the silence at the table a little better than he did when we were cooking, but it doesn't take him long to start a conversation, and the way he does floors me. "I was thinking on the way here, that Hana would like to know how each of you is doing, and that you surely would like to hear about our little one."

Mom nods, her eyes shining. "We'd like to hear about you and Hana, too."

Eli gives a slight chuckle. "Not as much as you want to hear about the baby. My Mom hardly remembers to ask me how I'm doing any more. It's always how is the baby, followed by how is Hana."

Dad wipes his lips with his napkin. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's trying to hide a smile. "Get used to it, Eli. Even in Abnegation, it gets worse after the baby comes."

"My thought was, if each of you will tell us something about yourself, we'll tell each of you something about the baby."

Isaac jumps in before anyone can stop him. "I've been working with your replacement."

"My replacement?" I ask, wondering who he means.

"That's what I call Natalie. She transferred from Dauntless when you transferred to Dauntless."

I blink a couple of times at Isaac's statement. It's one thing to have all of the Pedrads mention that Natalie and I traded places. It's another thing to have my brother refer to her as my replacement. "She was the girl next to me, right?" I try to play dumb. No one at this table needs to know how well I know her.

"That's right. Anyway, I've been working with her on a project to improve volunteer coordination. We're trying to see if there is a better way to get the resources where they need to be." Isaac looks over at me expectantly.

"I'm due in September," I say absently. It's a fact I'm sure they will want to know.

"Jillian started school this year, and she loves being a big sister," Gayle says softly.

"That's not about you." I look pointedly at Gayle. She's right, I want to know about her kids, but I want to know about her, too.

"I'm on the council now," she starts. "It's challenging but rewarding to help make decisions for the city. There are a lot of things to keep in mind as we make decisions. "

"You're the first ones to hear this. We're having a boy," I say, smiling.

Mom looks at me for a moment. "You haven't told Taylor and Abram?"

Eli takes that one. "Mom and Dad obviously know we're expecting, but we told them that since they knew about the baby first, you got to find out what we are having first."

I see Mom blink a tear from her eye. "Oh! I almost forgot!" I jump up and head for my bag. I find what I'm looking for there on the top. "Taylor sent a letter for you."

Mom takes the letter and puts it beside her plate to save for later, but Eli stops her. "Mom said she wants you to read it while we're here and send back an answer."

Mom looks puzzled and opens it. She reads through it, covers her mouth, and jumps up from the table. We look at Mom, startled. I don't know what Taylor had to say, but that wasn't the reaction I was expecting from her.

"I miss my daughter." Dad's voice is soft, but I hear him.

Tears stream unbidden down my cheeks. Eli draws me into him for a second, and then I feel him push me away and a different set of arms pulls me close. Dad. "This one doesn't count," Eli says softly with a hint of laughter in his voice. "Hana is pretty emotional these days."

"I can see that." Dad's voice is gruff. He clears it and it comes out more normal. "Her mother always was when she was pregnant, too."

"We're thinking about Uriah or Ezekiel for a name," Eli says as Dad lets go of me.

"Uriah or Ezekiel," Dad repeats the names.

"Both of them are good, solid names," Mom says softly. She walks up and hands me an envelope. "Give this to Taylor, and tell her thank you."

"I like Ezekiel," Dad whispers softly in my ear, as he plants a kiss on my forehead and slowly lets me go.

* * *

"You seemed pretty interested in how my family knew I wasn't staying," I remark as we settle in for the first part of train ride home.

"I guess I was." Eli is quiet while he thinks about that. "I guess we were just so blind-sided when Tami left for Amity that it just never occurred to me that a family might actually realize ahead of time that someone was leaving."

"Who's Tami?"

"My older sister." Eli's voice is soft.

I'm silent for a moment as his answer repeats itself over and over in my head. "You have a sister?"

"I _had_ a sister," Eli responds bitterly. "Faction before blood."

I know he didn't mean to, but I feel like Eli slapped me on the face with that statement. I've never thought of Gayle, or even Isaac, thinking of me in the past tense because I left Abnegation. It must show on my face, because as soon as Eli looks at me, he rouses himself and puts his arms around me.

"I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me," he murmurs in my hair. "It's just, everyone always preaches 'Faction before blood' and then suddenly, without warning, they're gone, and you are supposed to pretend that they never existed, that they are dead, and they aren't, but they are."

"I know. I don't even exist to Jillian. My niece is five now. I haven't seen her since the Visiting Day after I joined Dauntless. I guess I just never thought of Isaac thinking of me that way. I hadn't realized until you said it, that it is possible that one day he will get married, and his wife won't even know I exist."


	10. Chapter 10 - Revelations

**Wow! Once again you all blow me away. 101 reviews already! Thank you! I appreciate each and every one of you who have taken the time to let me know what you think about my story. On those rough days it's so nice to have them to look back on and remind me I have some of the BEST readers reading and commenting on my story. And it encourages me when, like right now, I'm away from home for about 12 hours a day and finding time to write feels close to impossible.**

 **And of course, I want to make sure to thank Bahrfamily for making my writing look good with her wonderful Beta skills**

 **Tami- (Mentioned) Eli's older sister, transferred unexpectedly to Amity. Hana learned about her for the first time in the last chapter.**

 **10 Revelations**

It was hard to say good-bye to my family, so we're running a late, very late, getting to Taylor's for dinner. We cross through the Pit quickly, to get to the elevators to the Pire. Taylor actually deemed tonight a family dinner, since we promised her to let her know if she was going to have a grandson or granddaughter tonight and she figured Nick and Leeann would want to know, too. Personally, I'm not sure Leeann cares, but at least I'm pretty sure Chaz and Nick will want to know. Not much registers as we hurry through the groups of people, until I see Kelly from the back. I know it's her since she recently colored her hair: half of it is purple and half of it is blue. It's the person I see with his arm around her waist that makes me feel like worlds have collided. I'm not sure if I should point it out to Eli or not.

"Kelly and Cade?" Eli sounds amused.

"What?" I sound lost.

"That's Cade, Chaz's younger brother, with his arm around Kelly," Eli explains.

"How did you know it was Cade?" I ask, very much relieved. "I thought it was Chaz at first."

Eli chuckles at me. "They look a lot alike from the back, but aside from the fact Chaz knows Nick and I would kill him, slowly and painfully, if he did something like that, Cade has always worn his hair shorter and you can see the disk in his left ear."

I watch them for a moment, surprised to see Cade lean in and kiss Kelly's cheek. "Even though Kelly seems to be with a different guy every week, I'm still getting used to seeing her date, now that she's given up on Nick. But Chaz's younger brother? I don't see it."

"Why not?"

I think for a minute about what I know about Cade, trying to figure out how best to explain it. "She's liked Nick for so long, that I guess I expect her to end up with someone like him. Cade just isn't very much like him."

Eli pulls me off to the side so we're out of everyone's way by the Chasm. "So what do you expect this guy that Kelly is going to end up with to be like?"

My arms wrap around Eli's waist. "I don't know for sure. I think physically he could be about anything. I don't think that is what drew Kelly to Nick."

"What do you think it was?"

"I think part of it was the way he took care of her. I think who ever she finds will be protective, like Nick was when Jude was after her. Not overly protective like another Pedrad I know," I tease Eli.

"It turned out I was right to be overprotective about Jude," he reminds me without humor.

I want to argue with some of his other overprotective moments, but the first one that comes to mind is his insistence on helping me onto the trains today. Considering the fact that he had to keep me from falling every time we jumped off the train… I don't think that is going to help my case. Deciding it's in my best interest, I ignore him and continue speaking, "Whoever he is will have an adventuresome streak, of course, but it will be tempered with caution when it comes to making sure everyone he cares about is safe."

Eli cocks his head to one side. "You're actually describing someone I know. I hadn't thought about him with Kelly, but…"

"Eli the match maker…" I tease, "I _don't_ see that, either."

Eli chuckles. "I don't have a good track record. I have to admit that. The only time I've hoped to set anyone up, it failed, miserably."

It's my turn to cock my head and study Eli. He's serious. "I'm really having problems picturing you setting someone up. Who was it?"

Eli studies me for a minute, like he's trying to decide if he should tell me or not. "You," he finally admits.

"Me?" I know I sound surprised at that. "Why me? Who were you hoping I'd end up with?"

He sighs loudly. "The only defense I have is I was dating Jude at the time. I knew there was something special about you, I just…" his finger traces the curve of my cheek. "I just… looking back I just don't know _what_ I was thinking for sure. I guess I could see the strength in you to handle the whole history of our family."

I get a sudden idea I know who he was hoping to set me up with, but I want to hear him say it. "Who, Eli?"

"Nick." His voice is soft, "You are the only person I ever have met who I seriously thought might have a chance to break through the walls he built around himself."

"I never noticed Nick the same way I noticed you." I stand on my tip toes and kiss his jaw to assure him.

Eli's smile turns into his grin. "That's good to know."

Suddenly I remember all the times Eli checked with me, asking me if I was interested in Nick. "Is that why you seemed to constantly ask me if I was interested in Nick, if Nick and I were really just friends?"

"Partially," Eli admits. "By the time I broke up with Jude and realized I was interested you, I figured I needed to be careful because if Nick had noticed you first…" Eli ends the sentence with a laugh. "But I realized today that there is no doubt that I noticed you first, so that really shouldn't have been a consideration." He wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. "I not only noticed you before Nick, but I noticed _you_ long before you noticed _me_."

"I don't know how you figure that," I challenge him. "Watching me transfer from Abnegation to Dauntless doesn't count, either. I noticed you when you helped me jump the rail, and I watched you jump on the train, and I saw you at dinner the first night." I tick off my first memories of him on my fingers.

"Hana, I noticed you long before any of that." His voice is gentle.

I look at him skeptically. "How? Before that, I was Abnegation. No one notices us."

His eyes hold me, pulling me towards that place where it is just the two of us, where nothing and no one but us exists. I hold my breath as he leans forward and tucks the lock of hair that has slipped out of my bun behind my ear. His voice is rough. "The year before my Aptitude Test, I went by the Mid-Levels to pick up Leeann after school. There was a Candor boy who was standing with an Amity girl, telling her the 'truth' about her faction. He wasn't very nice about it. In fact he was, as the Candor can be, very rude about it."

I am hardly able to believe my ears. Is he really telling me the story I think he's telling me?

"There was a group of people from different factions standing around just watching it happen. The Amity girl hunched over like she could hide from his verbal onslaught. I stood off to the side, trying to decide if I was brave enough to step in, and if I should step in, when this tiny blur in gray with half her hair falling out of her bun stood up and explained to him that the truth isn't about hurting people, it's about choosing to tell the truth in a way that is helpful and not hurtful. I think I started growing in love with her that day." Eli brushes away the first tear falling from my eyes.

"You remember that day?" My voice is hardly above a whisper. "I had almost forgotten about that."

"I never did. Years later, when an Abnegation girl traded places with one of my cousin's friends, I found myself wondering about that girl, but she was so small, I was sure she was two or three years younger than Leeann. I'm still not quite sure why it took me this long to realize it was you." He leans in to kiss me. "I should have known it was." And there, by the Chasm, like we're dating and not married, his lips claim mine.

Gayle and Jazz have both warned me that there will come a time in my pregnancy when I will feel fat and ugly, a time where I will feel are sure that my husband doesn't find me attractive any more, but there by the Chasm with Eli's arms around me and his lips on mine, I find it very hard to believe that will ever happen.

* * *

Between leaving Abnegation late and our side trip to the Chasm, we are nearly an hour late to dinner with the family.

I pull my hair out of the bun in the elevator on the way up. The bun itself is pretty non-existent by now, and I have a feeling it gives away the fact that we didn't come straight here. I can feel my cheeks flushing from the thought. We're married, and with my expanding waist line, it's pretty obvious we've done more than kiss, even if this is the first time we've kissed by the Chasm, but I don't really want my in-laws to know we're late because I was making out with their son.

Eli grins at me. "Enough Abnegation for one day?"

I laugh back and pull my hair back into a simple ponytail. "I'm still not sure what possessed me to think it would actually stay in."

We walk arm-in-arm to Abram's and Taylor's door. Abram answers the door with a smile. "There you are."

"Sorry, it was hard to leave." Eli walks in and hugs his mom.

I look around. No one else is here. "Has everyone else left?" I'm not sure if I feel more guilty because we spent extra time with my family or because we got... distracted at the Chasm.

Taylor laughs. "They haven't even gotten here yet. Visiting Day always takes longer than you think. I told them an hour later than you said you'd be back."

My brows knit together. "How do you know that?"

Abram laughs at me and slings an arm around my shoulder, "You aren't the first transfer to marry into this family."

For a moment I'm confused. Leeann told us that the Pedrads started the Zip line and that it was her mother and Taylor's last name growing up. Taylor wasn't a transfer. Then suddenly I realize Abram is talking about himself, not Taylor. I look over at Eli, ready to tease him about who else transferred that he never told me about, but the look on his face stops me. Eli looks as shocked as I felt this morning. He's just learned his father was a transfer, too.

I look at Abram, trying to picture him in a different color. The first one to come to mind is actually black and white. Jazz mentioned to me once that more transfers come from Candor than any other faction, but I dismiss that quickly. "You weren't Candor; if you were, you wouldn't have wouldn't have kept the truth from your son for this long."

Abram's laugh rings out. "You're right. Not Candor."

Blue comes next, but I remember that Kamil had a nickname for Sultana based on the fact she was Erudite. "Not Erudite. Kamil calls Sultana 'Nose' because she was Erudite. You were all friends during initiation, so if you came from Erudite with her, it would have been a nickname for you, too."

"Never thought about that, but you're right, again. I'm no Nose." Abram's eyes twinkle at me.

Gray comes to mind next. He's quiet enough to be an Abnegation, but if he was raised Abnegation he would have been taught it was selfish to be so quiet. He would have been trained to start conversations and draw attention away from himself that way. I don't think he was Abnegation, but I don't dismiss it either.

That just leaves… My hands fly to cover our son, like my hands can keep him from hearing what I am about to say and planting the thought in his mind. "You're from Amity," I say slowly. Suddenly I _can_ picture him in red and yellow. "Tami went back to the faction you came from."

My realization is met with silence from both Taylor and Abram. Taylor sinks down slowly in the nearest seat like her legs are giving way beneath her an inch at a time. "How do you know about Tami?" Her voice is hardly a whisper.

Eli clears his throat. "Hana asked me why I was asking her family some of the questions that I was. I told her it was because of the way Tami left."

Taylor presses her lips together. "Your mom was lucky. She may not have known where you were going, but at least she was prepared for you to go. I wasn't."

"I tried to warn you." Abram puts his hand on Taylor's shoulder.

"I know. I just didn't want to think she would really leave us. I was hoping that not living with Leeann any more would be enough for her."

"She tried hard to keep the peace with Leeann, I'll give you that, but Leeann wasn't why she left. You know that." Abram kneels next to her.

"I know," she agrees.

There is knock on the door and then Nick walks in, holding a dish. "Am I going to have a niece or a nephew?" he asks without preamble.

"You realize you aren't really the uncle?" Eli lifts an eyebrow at him.

"With Leeann's stance on kids, this is as close as I get. Face it, your kid is my nephew or niece." Nick puts down the dish on the table and takes in who all is here. "Let me guess, you're going to make me wait on Leeann."

Eli looks at the clock. "You're waiting. She should be here soon."

"Did you send her an engraved invitation?" Nick mutters.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" I pull the letter my mom sent back to Taylor and hand it to her. "Here is Mom's response."

Taylor takes it almost hesitantly, like she's afraid of what it might say, but she opens it up and reads it to herself in front of us.

A look of relief crosses her face. She looks over at Abram. "She took us up on the offer."

Abram nods. "I figured she would."

"What offer?" I ask, confused.

Taylor smiles at me. "This is going to be so much easier to explain since you know about Tami. The worst part of having a daughter change factions is that time period between when she's supposed to have the baby and the next Visiting Day. You imagine everything that could go wrong happening to her or the baby at one time or another."

Abram clears his throat, "I, um… still keep in touch with Evan. I didn't tell him Leeann and Chaz were getting married." He looks at his son and then at Nick. "What he did wasn't right. I'm not excusing him, but he's my brother, and I check in with him about once a month. He and I worked something out so he can get a message to Hana's mom. That way she'll know Hana and the baby are okay."

Tears spring to my eyes, but instead of turning to Eli like I normally do, I turn to Abram and hug him as the first tears course down my cheeks... "Thank you." I release him and turn to Taylor next. "Thank you."

"Taking care of your mom this way is the least I can do with everything you've done for my kids," she whispers while we embrace. When I pull away from Taylor I see a tear gleaming in her eyes.

"Are you sure Chaz and Leeann are really coming?" Nick says to break the emotions.

I prepare myself for the "No," that I'm sure is coming, but just then there is a knock on the door and it opens. I smile brightly for Leeann. I haven't had much of a chance to see her since my surprise birthday party. Hopefully tonight we can keep mending fences. But then Chaz comes in by himself, holding the salad, and closes the door. I feel my smile fade and my shoulders slump. She's not coming.

"Where's Leeann?" Eli's voice is tight with anger. I think Leeann has just about crossed the line with him this time.

"I'm supposed to tell you she's not feeling well," Chaz says slowly.

"But she's avoiding us again." Eli's hand clenches into a fist.

Chaz nods slowly. "I promised her I wouldn't say anything but what I said already."

Eli's anger makes me oddly calm, like somehow I am able to actually keep my emotions under control because he is about to lose his. I gently put my hand on his chest. "Eli, it's not worth it. I'd rather her not be here than have her ignoring us when we talk about the baby and making this evening uncomfortable."

Eli takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly: once, twice, three, four times before he responds. "But she let you come?" He levels his gaze at Chaz.

Chaz gives a small smile. "I didn't ask her permission. I told her I wasn't missing out on the family dinner or on finding out if I'm going to have a niece or a nephew just because she didn't feel well, and I left." His answer was _not_ what I expected. I don't think it's what _any_ of expected.

We are all silent taking in what Chaz just told us. "You're a brave man." Nick speaks for all of us.

Chaz smiles in acknowledgement. "So," he turns to Eli and me expectantly. "Is it a niece or nephew?"

Eli shakes his head at Chaz. "You know you aren't really going to be an uncle, right?" He hides a smile at the fact both Nick and Chaz have claimed to be an uncle tonight.

"Yes, I am," Chaz contradicts him. "Leeann considers you her older brother, too. And since I'm not sure Cade is ever going to settle down…"

Eli grins. It hurts that Leeann doesn't even want to acknowledge our baby, so it's good for him, for both of us, to hear both Nick and Chaz claim him. Eli comes up behind me and drapes his arms around me so he can rest his hand on our son while he announces it to his family. "We're having a boy. I'm going to have a son," he says proudly.


	11. Chapter 11 - Discovery

**Thank you to everyone who left reviews on the last chapter. You continue to keep me writing with my 50+ hour work weeks. Thank you for the encouragement!**

 **And of course my gratitude to Bahrfamily who put down the book she's currently reading to edit this chapter…**

 **Renee- member of current initiate class. Natalie believes she is a plant from Erudite to spy on how the Dauntless simulations go this year.**

 **11 Discovery**

"Spill." Angie pounces on Eli and me before we even set our breakfast trays on the table.

Eli looks at me, confused. "Are we supposed to tell her something?"

I sit down across from her and laugh. "She wants to know if you are going to have a son or a daughter. I told her that we weren't telling until after Visiting Day."

"I thought I would find out at dinner last night, but you two didn't show up," she whines.

"I'm sorry," Eli says dryly from his spot next to me. "We thought maybe my parents would like to know, too."

"I'll give you that one, but I'm assuming that was where you were last night, so…?" Her voice trails off expectantly.

"So, what?" Eli cuts in before I can answer her. He's getting ready to play with her.

"Hana!" Angie has known Eli her whole life. She realizes what he's doing and changes tactics by turning her attention to me. "Are you having a boy or a girl?"

I smile. I know Angie is going to claim him for their girl as soon as I tell them. "We're having a boy."

Angie looks excited, but Rob looks a little down. "We're supposed to intimidate the guys who want to date our daughters together," he complains to Eli.

Angie laughs and bumps Rob with her shoulder. "You don't have to worry about that anymore! Our little girl is going to marry their son."

Rob pretends to consider that for a moment. "I don't know about that. Don't you remember what Eli was like before he met Hana? Maybe we should take our chances."

"Hey! We still don't know what we're having!" Abilyn protests. "Don't you think you should keep your options open?"

Rob looks from Abilyn to Ben and then back at Angie. "She has a point. Ben wasn't nearly the…"

Angie elbows Rob before he can finish his sentence. "And what if they have a girl, too? Then we'll both be fighting over Hana's baby."

Rob groans. "And if they have a boy they'll be fighting over our girl! The rest of you better get busy. We're going to need more options here." He looks around the table. Besides Leeann and Chaz, the only complete couple sitting at the table today is Jazz and Rais. Rob wisely turns his attention away from Leeann and Chaz. "Jazz, Rais, come on, Amar needs a baby brother or sister. Help us out here."

"No way!" Jazz answers emphatically before Rais can do anything but open his mouth. "He's still a handful. I'm waiting until he's older before we tempt fate again. I don't think I could keep up with another Amar."

At the sound of his name, Amar looks up from his plate. He managed to get ahold of a chocolate chip muffin today and has chocolate smudged from one ear to the other. He also has syrup splotches from his pancake on his forehead, cheeks and chin, and bits of bacon stuck to the syrup, too. "You know, if you both have girls, Amar's not that much older and look at the table manners you get as a bonus!" Rais says with a laugh.

* * *

I have never completely figured out how the Initiates pick where they are going to sit for meals. It's not like there is one table that they always use from year to year. They simply seem to pick a table at the first meal and stick with it. We end up moving tables during initiation, too, since Jazz tries to sit near them so she can keep a watchful eye on everyone. At lunch today, I end up next to Jazz so we can talk. Today is advice day, she told me, when she found out Eli wasn't going to be here for lunch. It isn't quite the advice I was expecting, something to do with the baby or with my pregnancy. Instead, she gives me the heads up that, since Rais and Eli are both over-protective, Eli is about to get _a lot_ worse, and some ideas on how to handle it. It's probably actually a better conversation for us to have than what I was expecting: Eli _does_ seem to be getting worse by the day.

When Harrison comes by towards the end of our conversation, she excuses herself to talk to him for a minute. With Jazz gone, I do what I was hoping to: turn my attention to the initiates.

"I don't know how many more of these simulations I can take." The boy with a blue Mohawk and a pierced nose starts biting his nails as soon as he finishes speaking.

"What? These are fun," another boy responds brightly. Everyone in the group looks at him opened-mouthed, all rendered speechless for a moment

I glance quickly at the boy who just spoke. Natalie said to keep an eye out for anyone who reacted to the simulations differently than my class. None of us thought the simulations were _fun_. Something tells me I will need to be able to identify him later. His bleached blonde hair comes to his collar, and there are silver hoops on the outside corner of each of his eyebrows, drawing attention to his muddy brown eyes. I could pick him out again.

It is a red-headed girl who finds her voice first. "Lucas, what do you mean, they are _fun_? I haven't been able to get a full night's sleep since we started."

"Oh, come on. You don't find it fun to figure out the best way to end the simulation? There are always so many different ways to do it." He sounds disbelieving.

I feel a chill run down my spine. This doesn't sound good at all. I strain to hear every word. I have to know what is going on. "What do you mean?" the boy with the Mohawk asks. "I never realize that it isn't real until it is over."

"Oh, come on." Lucas chuckles. "You can't tell me that you really thought that you were covered in spiders."

Mohawk boy shudders. "I certainly did at the time."

Lucas shakes his head in disbelief. It's enough to get me to pick up my tray and head out so I can get a better look at the group. The blood quickly drains from my face. Renee is sitting two people down from him. She has a gleam in her eye that concerns me. Natalie told me that she thinks Renee is Jeanine's plant in Dauntless. If Natalie's right, and looking at Renee right now, I think she probably is, then Lucas won't live to become a member of Dauntless. He just told me, as well as Renee, that he's Divergent.

* * *

I sigh softly as I walk into our apartment after work. I appear to have beaten Eli home. I hurry to the bathroom and pull out the tablet. I've been distracted all day, trying to figure out the best message to send Natalie. My fingers tremble as I turn it on to contact her. I know I have to be quick about it. There's the normal concern about connectivity time, but I also need to figure out exactly what to tell her about the conversation I overhead in the cafeteria today. Above all, there is still the concern of making it quick enough that Eli won't get home and catch me sending the message. I keep hoping I'm wrong about Lucas, but the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm right.

 _ **Lucas, in the current initiation class, was bragging at lunch today about how easy the simulations are. He mentioned that he knew it wasn't real. Renee was nearby. I think she overheard him.**_

I reread it, decide that it is as good as I can do, and send it. I shut down the tablet and hide it in the drawer. As I softly close the drawer, I hear Eli from the other side of the door. "Hana! Are you in there?"

I flush the toliet and wash my hands. He's standing by the door when I open it. "What's up?" I ask him.

"Are you okay?" He puts a hand on each shoulder and looks at me.

"Eli," I try not to laugh at him, "it's going to be a very long three months if you are going to worry about me every time I go to the bathroom. Jazz and Angie have both warned me that it only gets worse from here."

Eli has the grace to look sheepish. "Rais told me yesterday that I'd better tone it down before you feel the need to take a lesson or two from Jazz."

I laugh. Those are the _very_ lessons Jazz gave me at lunch today. Ezekiel chooses this moment to kick me and I catch my breath.

"Hana…" Eli sounds panicked.

"He's fine, Eli. I'm fine. He just kicked me," I assure him. "Relax. He's just getting a little cramped in there."

"Already?"

"Eli! Look at me. If this boy takes after you, he's going to run out of room pretty quickly. If you haven't noticed I'm just a little smaller than you."

Eli looks at me from head to foot. "I guess you have a point."

* * *

Even though I'm not expecting to have heard from Natalie yet, I check my tablet while I start the water for my shower, to see if there is any response.

 _ **Checking on Lucas. Keep an eye on him when you can. Let me know if you can meet me late tomorrow, like around midnight, at the Crevice room.**_

I send a quick response.

 _ **I'll be there.**_ I still hope I'm wrong.

* * *

Natalie is pacing back and forth when I get there. "How'd you get away from him?"

"I'm at work. The advantage of being pregnant is that they usually let me decide when I need to go on break and work the rest of them around me. I just worked it out so I'm on break right now."

Natalie nods. "I'll make it quick. I've been looking into Lucas. You're right. It looks like he's Divergent. Are you sure Renee heard? Right now everything hinges on that."

I've thought about that and replayed the moment in my mind. "I'm sure she overheard," I answer with conviction.

"Do you work tomorrow night, too?"

"No, I'm getting ready to change shifts, so I have the next couple of days off."

"Do you think you can get away tomorrow night, maybe around midnight? I'm going to need your help."

I'm not sure how I'm going to get away from Mr. Vigilant, but I assure Natalie, "I'll figure something out."

"Good. I'll meet you here around eleven forty-five pm."

* * *

At eleven thirty, I try to get out of bed without waking Eli up. "Hana?" His voice is sleepy.

"Shh, go back to sleep." I keep my voice low. "I'm having problems sleeping. I'm going to go the control room and see if watching everyone else sleep on the monitors helps make me tired."

He starts to struggle to sit up. "Why don't I just get up with you for a little while?"

"That won't help bore me to sleep, and you need your rest." I walk over to his side of the bed and lightly kiss his forehead. "Go to sleep. I'll be fine."

I write a quick note and leave it on the counter for Eli, just in case he is still asleep enough that he doesn't remember where I am.

* * *

I brush both sides of the small opening into Crevice room. At the rate I'm expanding, we're not going to be able to meet here much longer until after the baby is born. Natalie is already there, dressed in red pants with blue patches on them and a black sweatshirt that a gray shirt peeks out from a couple of unmended rips. "You were right," she starts without even a hello. "I was able to access Norton's computer. Lucas has to come out tonight. They are going to send Jeanine tomorrow to check into him closer. We can't let that happen."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Stop by the control room and load this in the computer." She hands me a drive. "It shows the accident we're about to create. Then I need you to go get Lucas and one of his friends from the dorm. Meet me at the train platform."

It doesn't take long for Natalie to finish filling me in on what little she is willing to tell me. So, it doesn't take long for me to find myself in the control room. I log into my computer and down load the footage Natalie gave me. As soon as I finish that I give a couple of long yawns, and log out in less than ten minutes. It surprises me that no one questions how short the time frame is that I'm there.

It takes me a couple of minutes to locate Lucas in the dim light of the boys' dorm. I find the boy with the blue Mohawk in the next bed. I put my hand over Lucas's mouth and shake him awake. As soon as his eyes open I lean in close to him. "Shhh. Jazz sent me," I lie, but he nods his head in understanding. "Meet me outside the door." He nods again and quietly gets up. I do the same with his friend and follow them out of the room.

"What's going on?" Lucas asks quietly as soon as I am outside of the room.

Part of me wishes I knew exactly what is going on, but I don't, and I couldn't tell him if I did know. "We're headed to the trains. We'll meet up with Jazz there." I motion for the two of them to take the lead. I don't think they will go anywhere, but I don't know them, and I need to make it look like we aren't together, just in case the cameras catch us.

I listen to them speculate at what is going on in hushed tones. Their guesses range from additional simulations to Jazz being interested in one or both of them. I bite my lip to keep from laughing at the last idea. Like Jazz would look at anyone besides Rais.

Natalie stands there, looking Dauntless. "Wait here." I leave them by the door and cross over to Natalie.

"We're going to play a quick game of Dare with the boys," she says softly. "Stand out of sight of the other boy and follow my lead. Whatever I say is happening, I need you to react like you would if it were really happening. When you see me jump off the platform, it's time for you to leave and go home. Whatever you do," her green eyes pierce mine, "don't talk to him after I leave." She presses a note into my hand. "Read this and then go home."

I'm totally confused by her directions, but I agree to it anyway and move just out of Mohawk boy's view.

"It's time to test your bravery with a quick game of Dare," Natalie announces to the boys. "Lucas, I dare you to grab on to that pillar," she points to one a little ways out from where we are standing, "and swing from it."

"That's simple," Lucas scoffs.

While he walks over there, Natalie moves so she is behind his friend. I catch a quick flash of something metal in the light then notice Natalie pressing a needle down on the side of his neck. Natalie pulls it out quickly.

"Ouch!" he reaches up to touch the side of his neck. "What was that?"

Natalie ignores the question as she hurries over to Lucas, so I ignore him, too. When Natalie gets to him, she tells him to jump. He does it without question. Then she screams,"He's fallen and the train is coming."

There is no train, and it leaves me confused for a brief moment, but I quickly remember her instructions and start screaming and yelling something about the train. Mohawk boy looks confused for a moment, then he reacts, too. "Lucas! Lucas!" He runs towards the train, yelling his name over and over.

While he's doing that, Natalie quickly drops off the edge. The train really does show up right then, and in the confusion of the train coming and Mohawk boy running to the tracks to see what is going on, I slip back into the building, trembling. I can't go back to the control room, but I can't go back home quite yet. I find a spot I once noticed the cameras don't reach. It's a blind spot of about two feet. I open up the note there.

 _ **Sorry about that. He had to die and I needed a witness without you being involved. Whatever you do, don't let anyone know you saw it. Act surprised when you hear tomorrow that one of the initiates died.**_

I tear the note into a handful of confetti and walk over to the Chasm. I lean over the rail, ignoring the one couple left making out, and slowly drop the note into the water. I hear a slight commotion and turn around in time to see Max and Harrison hurrying to the train platform. I yawn and stretch. I better get home and get some sleep.

 **It's that time again! I only did this once with Dauntless Gray, but I'm going to try to do it more in The Blackest Shade of Gray. Leave a review and I'll send you a PM of Jazz's point of view of what happens next…**


	12. Chapter 12 - A Secret Revealed

**Thank you all for the reviews. It was nice to see so many of you interested in Jazz's POV from her initiate's death.**

 **Oh! I keep forgetting this… Milner asked me a couple of chapters ago if I could, "** **make up a small timeline of things? Just like, dates of events, like when nuptials day is, Hanas birthday, etc. I'm mostly just curious when these things happen. (Although feast day I can figure out is thanksgiving. :P )"**

 **Well, I went and posted something like that on my profile back in October and forgot to tell her and the rest of you that I've done that! Oops! It's not really a timeline, but it does tell what month events happen in. As the story continues to expand, I'll expand it there, too. (Like right now it says when Angie, Hana, and Abilyn's due dates are. Once the babies are born I'll replace "due date" with the baby's name and their birthday.)**

 **Thank you also to Bahrfamily for keeping me on track and doing her best to catch** _ **all**_ **the errors in my writing!**

 **12 A Secret Revealed**

"Where have you been?" Eli's voice is thick and sloppy; I jump a little, just hearing it. I expected him to still be asleep when I walked in. He holds up his hand, holding the brown bottle that explains his voice. "And don't bother lying to me." He's angry. "I know you weren't at the control room."

"You were checking up on me?" My voice is small.

"I woke up without you. I was worried about how long you had been gone so I stopped by," Eli stands up. His walk is unsure. How long has he been drinking? "Not to check on you, but because I couldn't get back to sleep without knowing you were here. I missed my wife, and I was worried about you." He stands close to me. "When I got there, they said you'd been there and left. I thought I would come home and you'd already be here, but you weren't. I've been waiting for you for hours. So, where were you?" He lurches forward as he stops.

"I had something to do."

"What?" He grabs my arms. Then he startles me by asking something I wasn't expecting. "Who were you with? Zane?"

"What?" I can hear the shock in my voice.

"The only time you've ever disappeared like that, you were with me. Ever since we've been married I keep seeing you with _him_." Even in the dim light, I see Eli's eyes blazing. "So, I'll ask you again, who were you with? Was it Zane?"

"Eli, you can't be serious!" My mind spins. He doesn't realize all the times I have gone missing before when I wasn't with him. He really thinks I was with someone else. He thinks I am seeing another man, apparently Zane, of all people, like I used to see him! Anyone I tell him I was with, he will check. I can tell. Anyone I say, except for the truth. There is no way for him to check on the truth. Natalie said I can never tell anyone, but this is _Eli_. This is my _husband_. She said it would be dangerous for anyone to know, that anyone could betray us if I told them. But Eli won't, and right now I don't care if she'll be mad at me. He's my husband. I should have listened to my heart and told him about Natalie before this. "I was with Natalie."

"Natalie?" His brow furrows. "Natalie?" His laugh is mirthless. "You'll have to do better than that. She's in Abnegation."

"I know. I traded places with her, remember?" I spit at him, suddenly angry that in spite of how impossible this sounds, he doesn't just believe me.

His eyes narrow suspiciously. "You can't see her."

I smile my small Abnegation smile. "We found a way."

"How?" He challenges me. "Why?"

I take a deep breath. This isn't going well. We both have to calm down. "I'll explain what I can in the morning." I take the bottle from his hand. "Right now, you need to go to bed."

"What I _need_ is to know my wife wasn't out with another man."

My anger flares again. I realize his experience with Jude is behind this, but I'm _not_ Jude. "Do you really think I'd even _look_ at another man?" I'm yelling now. "I never looked at anyone before you, and I'm sure not going to start now." I reach out and put my hand on our son to reassure him. Our yelling has him doing flips. "Besides…" I hear a tremble in my voice. This is not the time to start crying, but I'm about to. "Look at me. I'm carrying _your_ son. Who would want me like this?"

But for once, the motion and the reference to the baby don't affect Eli at all. "Someone who doesn't want to have to worry about his actions."

"I am _not_ Jude or Marley." I state what I thought was obvious. "And if you are going to accuse me of being like either of them, you can just spend the night on the couch." Angry tears fill my eyes. I'm about to turn away from him and head to our bedroom so I can slam the door in his face, when I see a little bit of fight leave him. "Eli." I feel one the tears slipping down my cheek. I ignore it and take a deep breath. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I want to, but it's impossible." He sounds defeated. "She's in Abnegation."

"I promise you. It's not impossible," I assure him.

"I want to believe you."

"Then believe me, just for tonight. Come to bed. We'll talk in the morning when you're sober and we've both calmed down." The baby chooses this moment to kick me hard, and I gasp.

"Hana?" Eli sounds just a little concerned.

"Our son doesn't like us fighting. Can we try this again in the morning when we've both calmed down?" I plead, holding out my hand for him so I can lead him to the bedroom.

His hand starts out to me and stops just short of mine. "No one else?" His voice is hesitant, as if he is afraid of the answer.

"There is no one else," I promise him.

He takes my hand. I wrap my fingers around his, feeling the rough callouses from jumping on moving trains, and then I give it a tug. Obediently, he follows me into the bedroom.

He sits down on the edge of the bed. "Hana…"

"Yes?" I stand in front of him.

"I don't like fighting with you."

I'm sure he doesn't. I want to laugh, but I don't dare. Now is _not_ the time to laugh at him. "I don't like fighting with you, either," I assure him. I lean over and kiss his forehead. "Get into bed. I'll get you some water."

I turn to go but he grabs me around the waist and pulls me into him and just holds me. I wrap my arms around him. I feel the baby protesting with a flurry of kicks at how closely we are holding each other. "Get used to it, young man," Eli says softly. "Not even you are going to be allowed to come between your mother and me."

I close my eyes and smile. With Eli seated and me standing, I'm actually a little taller than him. I rest my cheek on the top of his head like he does so often with me.

"Promise me." There is still a trace of anger in his voice, but there is also the sound of desperation.

"Eli, there's no one else." I kiss the top of his head and take a step back so we can look each other in the eyes. "There was no one before you, and there's been no one but you since that first day I tried to jump the railing." He smiles at the memory. "I love you."

I start to pull away, but he pulls me back to him again and kisses me. I can feel the desperation, the fear in his kiss. He's driven himself crazy imagining me with someone else. He stops kissing me abruptly. "Promise me."

I smile at him and try again to put him at ease without telling him the truth. "I promise. Eli, I love you. I only love _you_." I lean in and kiss his right cheek, his left cheek, his forehead, the tip of his nose, and his neck, before I kiss him on the lips again.

He _finally_ lets me tuck him in bed. I head to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. He'll probably be asleep by the time I get back, but it'll be by his side of the bed, ready just in case he needs it.

* * *

I crawl in bed with Eli, hoping I don't wake him up. For a moment I think I have, as he moves to his side and pulls me against him so I am cradled in his arms, but his even breathing assures me he's still very much asleep. I try to relax, but I'm finding it hard to drift off. It is very hard for me to admit, even to myself, that I'm going to be selfish in the morning, even without having to accept the fact that I am planning it out. I was Abnegation longer than I've been Dauntless. It's still hard for me to accept myself when I am selfish on purpose, but this time I have to be. I have to break my promise to Natalie. Eli is more important. I can't do this to him, to _us,_ ever again.

My eyelids get heavier and heavier while my mind still wonders what I'm going to tell him.

* * *

The early morning light is just starting to fill the room as I lie still, my head resting on Eli's bare chest and his arm around me, planning out what I can tell him when we talk today. I'm careful not to move, since I don't want to wake him up. For me, it's been a short night, periods of light sleep while I dream of Natalie and Eli, each of them holding my arm and trying to pull me away from the other one. I gave up trying to sleep before the sun started peeking in the window. There is no way I can sleep any longer. I have to decide what I will and won't tell him about Natalie and me. I can see her point that the more people who know about us, the more dangerous it is, but she's going to have to see my point. He's my husband. I can't imagine that Andrew doesn't know what she's up to, so why can't I tell my husband at least part of it? I sigh, harder than I mean to, and Eli stirs. His arms automatically tighten around me. He tips his head in and kisses the top of my head.

"My head," he groans.

"That's what you get for drinking." I kiss his chest, not trying to take any sting out of the words, but because I have been longing to do that since I woke up this morning.

"We've had a fight," he whispers.

"I know." I agree guiltily; after all, this fight is my fault.

"I didn't like it."

I whisper, "I didn't either."

We are both quiet, just thinking. Idly, I start tracing my finger on his chest.

His chest rumbles with laughter. "I think," he says, his voice more serious than joking, "that we need to talk _first_."

I blush at his implication. I pull away, just enough to see his face. "I'll go fix breakfast."

"Let's talk first."

I shake my head. "I'm starving. We can talk while we eat. This isn't going to be the quickest conversation," I hold up my hand, "and don't you dare suggest the cafeteria. I'm not leaving this apartment until we've talked."

"And made up?" Eli waggles his eyebrows at me and smiles.

"Talk first," I stand up slowly and awkwardly, as usual. I wrap my robe around me. I'm beginning to wonder how much longer it will meet in the middle. I stop at the doorway and turn to him with a smile. "And then make up."

We don't keep much food in our apartment, since we prefer to eat in the cafeteria with everyone else, but there is enough that I can fix a decent breakfast.

Eli walks in, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, while I'm cooking the eggs. I've made us omelets. It's our compromise. Not quite scrambled eggs for me, but a little plainer breakfast than he's used to.

"So," he sits on a counter near me, "you were with Natalie last night?"

I look up from what I'm doing and hold his eyes so he knows I'm telling him the truth. "Yes."

"Ok." He takes a deep breath and lets it out. "I'm sorry, but you can understand that's hard to believe."

"I know," my voice is small, "but it _is_ the truth." Before he can start asking me questions, I launch into what I decided to say while I waited for him to wake up this morning. "Eli, what's your first memory of Natalie?"

I hold my breath. There is actually a bit of risk in this question. She told me that a few people had been given false memories of her. I just hope that I'm right, and Eli wasn't one of them.

"The first thing I remember is Leeann bringing her over to join us for dinner."

"How long ago was that?" I hold my breath. When I asked her, Leeann didn't remember Natalie before we were fifteen, so I'm hoping that's what Eli remembers too. That would mean his memory is untouched, too.

He thinks for a minute. "Nick and I were already members. I guess it was the year before your Choosing Ceremony."

"You all grew up in Dauntless. Why you don't remember her before then?"

"Because she and Leeann didn't hang out before then."

"They were the same age. Why didn't they?"

Eli shrugs. "I never really thought about it."

"I know why."

Eli looks at me, his eyebrow quirked.

"Natalie wasn't here to remember."

Eli looks suspicious. "You only go through the Choosing Ceremony once. She can't have changed Factions twice."

Getting him past that so he can believe this is going to be the hard part. "She came from outside of the fence."

Eli starts to laugh, then looks back at me. I hand him his omelet. For a moment he is quiet and stares at his food. Then he looks up at me. "If she came from outside of the fence, then how did she get here?"

I swallow. I don't know the answers to all the questions he's going to have. I didn't ask the questions because Natalie made it seem safer to not know too many answers. "The people on the other side of the fence sent her in to check up on what is going on around here." I take a deep breath; I'm getting to the tricky part. As if this whole conversation isn't tricky. "Do you remember the game of Dare where Jude dared me to climb the fence?"

Eli's hand clenches briefly around his fork. "And you fell off the fence coming back down. How am I supposed to forget that?" He lets go of the fork and touches my cheek. "I was so afraid when I saw you about to fall. Thinking back, that was probably when I started feeling so protective about you. Even more than I did Leeann's other friends."

I smile at him. "It took me longer on the Amity side of the fence than it should have."

He nods. "I yelled out to check on you because you'd been gone so long."

I never knew if that was him or Nick. I should have realized it was him. "I took so long because I saw _Natalie_ on the other side of the fence, dressed in red and yellow instead of gray. I had seen her on the control room monitors in every faction, dressed like she belonged in that faction." I take a bite of my omelet. It's starting to get cold and cold eggs aren't good.

"Why would she do that?" he asks, puzzled.

"She keeps an eye out on what is going on in each faction for the people outside of the fence. We talked after that accidental meeting in Amity. She sneaks into each of factions from time to time; I watch from the control room and tell her when I see interesting things. She reports back, somehow, to the people on the other side of the fence." I take a deep breath. "Do you remember those recording glitches you couldn't figure out?"

"Yes." He runs his hand through his hair. I can tell he's still frustrated that they stopped without him ever figuring out what caused them.

"I caused those."

"You what!"

I have his full attention now. "Natalie gave me a small drive that caused the glitches. When I would see her somewhere she shouldn't be, like on the wrong side of the Amity fence, I would create a glitch so it wouldn't record her. It then created random glitches in other cameras and other factions so it wasn't obviously me."

Eli shakes his head in disbelief. "You mean all those hours I spent trying to figure that out, and it was you?"

I nod.

Eli gives a small chuckle. "I never would have suspected you of that."

I laugh too. "That was the idea."

I leave the Divergent out completely. I decided sometime during the night, that for now, I wouldn't tell him that part.

"There are people on the other side of the fence?" It is something between a statement and a question.

"Yes."

"I always figured there were." His voice is soft and thoughtful.

We both keep eating while he mulls things over.

"Natalie's not from here." Even though it's a statement, I can tell he needs affirmation.

"That's right."

"You help her keep an eye on what's going on in the factions so she can report it," he checks next.

I nod.

"You have found a way to meet with her so you can tell her what you see in the control room."

"Do you remember when you asked me where I had been at the party for Tori?" I take control of the direction of our conversation, giving him another memory to try to prove my story.

"When she became a tattoo artist?" he verifies.

"Yes."

He chuckles. "I don't really remember a lot about that night, but I do remember you were late." He looks at me for a moment than says softly. "I was getting worried about you."

I smile back. He was still dating Jude back then. "I told you I had gone for a walk, but I didn't go for a walk. I met with Natalie that night when I got off work."

He finishes his omelet. He stares at his empty plate while I hold my breath, wondering what I'm going to do if he doesn't believe me. I have the memory serum that Natalie gave me. Can I really use it on Eli?

Suddenly he looks up. "No one else knows this, do they?"

"No one else can."

"I'm sorry." He cradles my cheek. "I never should have doubted you."

"I'm sorry too." I close my eyes and lean into his hand. "I should have told you sooner. Natalie told me I couldn't tell anyone, but I should have done it anyway." I open my eyes and smile at him. "After all, you're not just anyone."

We move in together and kiss. It's a kiss of restoration and passion, and a promise that we're not leaving the apartment any time soon.

 **Don't get too used to this, but it turns out Eli thought you should see what happened that night from** _ **his**_ **POV also. So if you want to see what Eli went through while Hana was off helping Natalie and why he reacted the way he did… take a moment to review this chapter. It's waiting for you…**


	13. Chapter 13 - Guilt

**Happy Feast Day! Hope everyone in the United States is able to enjoy it with family and/or friends. For those of you outside of the USA, Happy Feast Day anyway! Hope it is a good one!**

 **And since we do still currently call it "Thanksgiving" ;-) I thought I would let you all know I'm very thankful for so many things this last year. I'm thankful for all of you who take the time to read my story. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful reviews that you leave me. I'm thankful for the online friends I have made through PM's about this (and other) stories.**

 **And I'm thankful for Bahrfamily, who has such wonderful skills as a Beta. She not only edits grammar, but makes sure I stay consistent, help me to check facts, encourages me, and so much more.**

 **13 Guilt**

It's almost lunch time before Eli and I venture out of our apartment. From the moment we step out of the door, Dauntless has an odd feel to it. It's the middle of the day, and we don't see anyone until after we step out of the elevator at the Pit. And then I realize what it is: that strange Dauntless mix of sadness and manic energy of people who daily face death in theory now facing it in reality.

My eyes scan the Pit. All over, people stand in groups, many of them drunk and leaning heavily on one another. It only takes me a moment to find the group I am looking for. Near the spot where the eulogy will be said stands the current bewildered-looking Initiation class. Jazz and Harrison both stand on opposite sides of the group, keeping a watchful eye on them.

Rais jogs up to us. "Hana! There you are. I need your help."

I look at him, puzzled; why would he need my help? "What do you need?"

"It's Jazz." I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have an idea of what he needs from me. "The kid that died last night was one of her initiates. Can you check on her? I don't think she's really telling me how she's doing. I tried to have Carly check on her, but that was a disaster." He leans in and lowers his voice. "Amity-born and Dauntless-born, even if they end up in the same faction, don't see death the same way. I'm hoping…" His voice drops off. He's hoping an Abnegation-born can do better.

I look at Rais's worried light-brown eyes. "Sure." I look around quickly. "Where's Amar?"

"Mom and Dad have him. Jazz can't keep up with him right now, and I'm too distracted by Jazz," he explains.

"Do you _know_ she can't keep up with him? Did she say that?" I ask. Rais looks at me, puzzled. "Sometimes in death, we need to remember there is life." I lace my fingers over our boy. I reach up on my tip toes and kiss Eli's jaw, and then assure Rais,"I'll let you know what I find out."

I walk slowly towards Jazz, feeling the guilt seep into my pores with every step. This is _my_ fault. These people are here mourning because of something I did.

"Guilt," the Abnegation leaders always told us, "shows us when we have been selfish. Guilt reminds us to look again at our actions for where we have been selfish. It is the mind's way of telling us we still have work to do as we journey toward a life lived for others."

I study my motives as I close in to my destination. Did I do this for me? Did I have a selfish motive behind it?

No, I most assuredly did not.

If I hadn't helped Natalie with this, if I had kept it to myself, and the boy Lucas had really died, would I feel guilty?

I would feel even guiltier, because I did nothing.

Then why do I feel guilty?

It dawns on me when I'm about four feet from Jazz: I feel guilty because I alone know _Lucas is still alive._ I feel guilty because I know something that no one else in Dauntless knows, and if I could just tell them, they wouldn't be mourning him. If I walked over to Jazz now and told her that Lucas is alive, that he's just been spirited away to the other side of the fence, would the guilt go away?

No, because then I would be betraying Natalie's trust, and, if Natalie is right about everything, that would put even more people at risk.

I feel like the foundations of my world have shifted. I always believed the Abnegation training on guilt. I always found that when I felt guilty, there was something I either shouldn't have done, or I should have done differently. And maybe that is usually true, but now I've come to the startling conclusion I can also feel guilty for picking the lesser of two bad choices.

"Hana, let me guess. Rais wants to you check on me." Jazz rolls her eyes.

"Eli would be doing the same," I assure her, and she gives me a small smile, knowing it is true. "How are you, _really_?"

Jazz takes a deep breath. "Feeling guilty."

I feel my eyebrows drawing in. I know why I feel guilty, but Jazz? "Why do you feel guilty?"

"He was one of my initiates."

It's on the tip of my tongue to ask her if she really thinks she's responsible for making sure he doesn't play Dare, when it dawns on me. If I had really just now shown up, I wouldn't know how he had died. "I just got down here. What happened?"

"Lucas and Van," she points to boy in the blue Mohawk, "left the dorms against regulations, after hours, to play Dare. Lucas's hand slipped off the pole he was dangling from as the train went past, and he was run over." She shudders. "Harrison saw the footage and wouldn't let me see it, so it must have been pretty bad."

"So, you're supposed be with them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, in order to make sure your initiates don't play Dare?" I hope asking that question will make her realize it's not her fault.

Jazz laughs, but it's not quite as musical as normal. "Guess that's not realistic, is it?"

She was Amity. I force myself to put an arm around her. "I'm sure other people have told you this, but it's not your fault, Jazz. I promise you. There is nothing you could have done that would have stopped it."

"I know that here." She points to her head. "I'm just trying to convince myself here." She points to her heart.

"While you're doing that, do you want me to go get Amar for you?"

She looks at me for a moment, contemplating my question. There is a longing in her eyes. She does want him. "I appreciate the offer, but no. I don't want him around all these drunks. But as soon as I'm done here, I think I will go get my baby and cuddle with him for a little while."

I laugh softly. "He's not much of a baby any more, Jazz."

"Don't you start on me! Rais and this whole 'Amar needs a baby brother or sister' is enough," Jazz jokingly chastises me

"I'm not telling you that you should have another one right now. I'm just reminding you that he's almost three. The days for snuggling are coming to an end," I remind her. Abnegation stops snuggling much earlier than this because it's selfish.

"I know. He's already fighting against it."

* * *

I never thought about how much of our group's cheery nature must come from Jazz. At dinner, she breaks her own rule that Amar must sit in his own chair and eat off of his own plate. Instead, she holds Amar on her lap while he eats off her plate. Rais keeps trying to get her to eat, and she'll take a bite or two when he mentions something, but then she seems to forget what she is supposed to be doing and rests her cheek on Amar's dark head. Her eyes watch the rest of her initiates, huddled next to us.

We're all a bit subdued, eating with careful motions, talking in whispers, staring at nothing. But then again, the whole cafeteria seems to be under a black cloud. It's like all of Dauntless is doing what I caught Eli and Rais doing when I got back from checking on Jazz. Everyone is going back in their memory, trying to remember the last time an initiate died.

Rais thought they were five and the initiate died during initiation, but Eli insisted the incident occurred when they were six and it was about a week after initiation was over. I had to smother a laugh when they asked _me_ who was right. "Well, let's see, if you were five or six, then I was two or three and still in Abnegation."

"You fit in here even better than Jazz," Rais remarked.

Eli smiled. "I know. Those of us who know never seem to forget where Jazz came from, but it seems like even those of us who do know Hana transferred seem to forget it."

"Jazz," Rais' voice breaks into my memory and brings me crashing back to reality. "You have to eat."

"I know." She doesn't move her head off Amar's head. "I just keep thinking of Lucas's mother and putting myself in her place. If someone came and told us Amar was dead..."

Rais wraps his arms around her. "That would be horrible. That would be the most difficult thing either of us has ever faced."

Jazz's eyes close and a tear escapes one. She buries her nose in his hair and takes a couple of deep breath. It looks like she is calming herself just by taking in his scent.

Rais looks around hopelessly, then suddenly, unexpectedly, he grins. "That's just another reason to have a second child."

That gets Jazz to pull her head off of Amar's head and look at Rais like he's lost his mind. "What? How do you figure that?"

All teasing is suddenly gone from Rais's eyes. "We'd still have another child. It wouldn't be Amar. I'm not saying a second child would replace Amar, but…" His voice trails off like he's unsure of what to say next.

"Rais." Jazz finally speaks after a long pause where no one at the table says anything. "We are _not_ discussing this today."

* * *

Weeks later, when the last day of initiation is here, the tone of Dauntless is mostly back on track. Jazz is still quieter than normal at meals, but Amar is back in his own seat eating off his own plate.

Tonight the atmosphere isn't quite as energetic at this class's banquet as it has been in past years, but it still buzzes with a quiet excitement. I still feel guilty about what I put everyone through, helping to fake Lucas's death, but I'm moving on, too. Reminding myself that if I hadn't done anything, he'd almost certainly be truly dead, helps.

We didn't leave for the banquet as early as we should have, so instead of trying to find everyone else, we stand at the back, trying to avoid the push of the crowd. "Levi!" Eli yells over the crowd and motions Carly's brother-in-law over.

Levi walks over and shakes hands with Eli. "Eli! Long time no see! I'd ask you what you've been up to, but if I remember right, when I was introduced to Hana, it was as your wife, so I can guess what you've been up to!"

Eli chuckles while I lace my hands over our son and blush. "We're having a boy!" Eli imparts his favorite piece of information on Levi.

Levi laughs. "Congratulations, but you're missing out, not having a little girl." He smiles fondly towards Carly, where a young girl is playing with Gus.

"Maybe next time. I wouldn't mind having a boy and a girl."

"I don't know about that," I interject quickly. With the way Leeann is acting, I'm still not sold on the idea of having another child, and if we do, I'm thinking another boy would be better than a girl.

"Why not?" Eli asks me, puzzled.

"Leeann already has you wrapped around her little finger. I shudder to think what a daughter would do!" I answer forcefully. Ever since that thought occurred to me, I've been thankful we're having a boy. I keep my thoughts about not wanting a second child to myself. I'm not discussing that around a near-stranger.

Levi gives a loud laugh. "She sure has your number!"

"Hey, Kelly!" Eli grabs Kelly's arm as she walks by, to distract us from our serious teasing.

"What's up?" Kelly motions one moment to Abe, with whom she was walking.

"Are you still having problems with your computer at work?" Eli's voice is off, just a little, when he asks.

Kelly looks at him, puzzled. "I thought I had told you that we had it worked out."

"I must have forgotten to take it off the log. I noticed it was still on there when I left work today. I'll have to do that tomorrow. Do you remember Levi?" He motions to Levi with his head.

Levi smiles at her. "It's been a long time, Kelly. I think the last time I saw you, you had pigtails in your hair." He reaches out and gently pulls a lock of her hair.

"Dauntless!" Ava speaks firmly into the microphone and then stomps her feet a couple of times to get everyone's attention so she can announce the rankings of this year's initiates.

In true Dauntless fashion, Kelly ignores her and smiles back at Levi. "That would be a _long_ time ago. I haven't worn pig tails in ages."

Levi laughs at her. Out of the corner of my eye I see Abe look at both of them, dismiss them with a flap of his hand, and walk off alone.

"We have a wonderful group of initiates who are joining Dauntless this year." Ava starts with what little silence she has been given. We're back so far I can hardly hear her. "We do want to take a moment to remember that we are one initiate short this year. Lucas was one of the brave. He will be missed." She pauses for just a second to let her statement soak in. I feel the sinking feeling in my stomach again, thinking about what I've done. "This year's initiates have worked hard to become Dauntless. They have faced their _own_ fears, time and time again, not just the general fears the rest of us faced. They are truly one of the bravest groups we have ever seen. And now, since I have your attention, here is the ranking for our newest initiates…" Ava moves to the side and the rankings are posted on the screen behind her.

Someone from our group must catch Eli's attention, because he suddenly takes me by the elbow and leads me off that way, leaving Kelly and Levi behind. We join the crush headed towards the table near where our friends sit. Since they are seated close to the newest Dauntless members, we are moving with the flow of traffic, but it is still slow going, since everyone wants to congratulate them.

When we finally get there, Eli has me sit on the one chair that is left and stands behind me with his hands on my shoulders.

"Okay, we may not all be here," Abilyn says excitedly, "but this time I'm not goofing up. We've already told Ben's parents so now we're telling you."

I feel a bit like a heel. I had forgotten Abilyn and Ben were finding out today if they were having a boy or a girl.

"So, are we fighting over Hana's boy, or are you two fighting over our girl?" Angie asks excitedly.

I find myself wanting to laugh at her. Maybe it's the Abnegation in me, but it never occurred to me that we should be trying to set our kids up from the womb.

Abilyn looks at Angie, a slow grin crossing her face. "It is _so_ on. Your little girl doesn't stand a chance against ours."

Everyone laughs, but Eli's laugh is the loudest. He leans down and speaks to our son, just loud enough for the whole group to hear. "Did you hear that Ezekiel? The girls are already fighting over you."

My eyes fly to Eli and my mouth drops open. I thought we were still fighting over names. My choice, Ezekiel, against his choice, Uriah. "Really?" I ask softly.

He nods and kisses my cheek. "I thought about it last night when you were missing, and again this morning while you took your nap. We can call him Ezekiel."

I feel tears filling my eyes, but I've gotten so used to it over the last several months that I don't even try to hide it.

"Ezekiel?" Angie wrinkles her nose.

"Yes, Ezekiel," I say firmly, wishing Eli had told me in private. I'm not sure I want to hear everyone's criticisms over his name. I've always liked the name Ezekiel. Besides, Angie and Rob still haven't told us the name of their daughter. I thought it was something that, even if we did come to an agreement, we wouldn't announce until he was born. "What's wrong with Ezekiel?"

"It's a little…" Angie pauses, trying to pick her words carefully.

"It's a strong name," Nick throws in, stopping her from finishing her thought. "Ezekiel." He says it firmly. "I kind of like it."

Leeann says nothing, but shakes her head slightly from side to side.

Inwardly I remind myself, Leeann wouldn't have liked it, no matter what name we picked. So, it doesn't matter that she doesn't like it, I lie to myself.

 **This is your last chance to play guess-the-baby (for this group of babies at least). Angie and Abilyn are both having girls.**

 **I decided I will tell you who you have to pick from this time. One of them is pretty obscure and the other one is very well known.**

 **Your choices are (in alphabetical order):**

 **Ash(ley) from Four: A Divergent Collection**

 **And**

 **Shauna from Dauntless, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Four: A Divergent Collection.**

 **If you want to leave an official guess, review! If you don't… leave a review anyway! I enjoy reading them! ;-)**

 **And speaking of reviews…I'm going to have to remember that you like seeing Eli's POV. I think that was the most reviews I ever gotten on a chapter! Thank you!**

 **To the guest reviewer, unfortunately I can't send Eli's POV without an account because I have no way of contacting you. If you want to see Eli's POV you can create a free account on Fanfiction and let me know that you have and I'll be happy to send it to you.**


	14. Chapter 14 - Nesting

**To the Guest Reviewer who mentioned Lauren as being one of the babies, although we havn't actually seen her in the story yet, see Chapter 6 Announcements. Her age and place in this story are found there.**

 **And adding in, because some how I missed it, thank you as always to the fabulous Bahrfamily, who I know has already corrected errors she found in this AFTER I published it!**

 **I have to admit to an "oops!" here. I missed a character from Dauntless Gray in the list of characters on chapter 1. I've added him there, but since he WASN'T there when I posted Chapter 1 originally, I'll put him here, too.**

 **Rodney- the only male nurse in Dauntless.**

 **Chapter 14 Nesting**

It isn't often that I tell Natalie that we need to meet. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of times I've been the one to set up a meeting. I need to tell her that I've told Eli about her, and how much I've told him. The problem is that she hasn't needed to actually see me for anything since we "killed" Lucas. I can't keep hoping that she's going to want to see me soon. As much as I want to put this conversation off indefinitely, and maybe never tell her, I finally get up the nerve to ask her to meet me tomorrow in her old room, about an hour before we meet everyone else for breakfast. I hope it won't take an hour, but I can't be late for breakfast if it does take a while.

Natalie, of course, has no concerns about having to eat breakfast with friends. The dining hall in Abnegation is only used a couple of times a year: too much chance of waste. Families eat together in their own homes, so all she will have to do is tell Andrew.

And for the first time, when I go to meet her, I will be honest with Eli when I tell him where I am going. I decide to broach the topic with him when we are lying in bed the night before.

"What are you going to meet with Natalie about?" Eli asks curiously.

I lift my head off his chest and look over at him. "I need to tell her that I've told you about what we do."

"Can I go with you?"

"No!" I have no idea how Natalie is going to react to that news. I'm not about to take the chance that she will use memory serum on him.

"Why not?'' Eli sounds suspicious at my quick answer. He doesn't still think I'm using Natalie as a cover to meet with Zane, does he?

"She told me several times, on multiple occasions, that I can't tell you _anything_. I'm not sure how she's going to react to finding out that I broke my word and told you," I state honestly.

Eli pulls me back to his chest with his strong arm, hugging me to him. "She won't hurt you," he says confidently, but there is an edge of a question to it, like he's asking me if I think there is a chance that she might.

"She won't hurt me," I confirm. "She may not be happy, and she may not want me to help her ever again, but she won't hurt me."

"I'm okay with her not wanting you to help her again," Eli responds.

I try to smile at his desire. The problem is, I don't feel the same way. I like helping Natalie. If she doesn't want me to help her any more, I'm not sure how I will take that.

* * *

"You did what?!" Natalie's voice is full of disbelief when I tell her.

I start over at the beginning. "When we got Lucas out, Eli was up and waiting for me when I got home. He had been worried about me and stopped by the control room, so he knew I wasn't there. He accused me of having an affair, Natalie! What was I supposed to do?"

"Use the memory serum on him!" Natalie snaps.

At the look of shock and horror on my face, Natalie closes her eyes; I can almost see her counting to ten. "You had to tell him. I can see that." She opens her eyes back up and looks at me, her green eyes assuring me she does understand. "Just for the record, I never liked making you keep it from him, but on the other side of the fence, they just don't see it the same way. I had enough trouble getting them to let me tell Andrew, and I think the only reason they finally gave in is because he's going to be on the council."

I look at her suspiciously. It's a little early to know who is going to end up on the council for her class. They just announced Marcus and some transfer that I didn't know six months ago. It will be another six months before they announce who it is for our initiation year.

"David has the final say, and he's _not_ going to like it, but I have the full agreement of the council here so… he isn't going to have much of a choice."

We're both quiet for a moment and then I softly give my idea to get around the issue. "Don't tell them."

"What?" Natalie sounds confused by my idea.

"Don't tell the people outside the fence that Eli knows. Why do they need to know? I didn't tell him about the Divergents. All I told him is that you keep an eye on things for the people on the other side of the fence. He has no idea that I had anything to do with Lucas dying."

Natalie presses her lips together as she thinks. "That could work," she says slowly. "I can't think how they would find out."

I smile, relieved. "Really, it makes things easier for me. Eli can help cover my absences."

Natalie nods slowly; when she speaks, her voice is stern. "As long as you don't tell him about the Divergents, I think it should work." It's a command, not a request.

* * *

"Ow!" Eli looks over at me with a panicked look on his face. Any time Ezekiel kicks me these days, Eli reacts like I am going into labor, and I'm still two months away. I'm becoming a little worried my husband is going to have a heart attack before I actually do go into labor, and this time it wasn't even Ezekiel who kicked me.

"Sorry!" Angie smiles brightly. "I just seem to finally have energy again today!"

She must. Yesterday she was dragging even worse than I am, but this is the second time today she's kicked me under the table. Between her and Ezekiel, I'm being battered from the inside and out. I yawn. "Must be nice!" I slept ten hours last night, and I'm still exhausted.

Angie laughs. "I'm not sure Rob thinks so!"

"She woke up with all this energy at four this morning. She got up and started cleaning the kitchen right then. She may have tried to be quiet, but… by six this morning she was running the vacuum. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't complain," he ends with a smile.

"I _waited_ until six before I started running the vacuum," Angie defends herself. "I still have more to do, too."

Rob groans. "You aren't _really_ planning on cleaning the whole apartment today, are you?"

"Why not?" Angie asks. "I happen to be off today, and I have the energy to do it for once. It's the perfect day to do it."

"Because tomorrow you're going to be too tired to move," Rob states matter-of-factly.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll try to take a nap after I finish the nursery."

* * *

"Has anyone seen Angie and Rob? I haven't seen either of them since breakfast." Leeann looks around the dinner table.

"My guess is Angie finished cleaning the nursery and is taking a nap like she promised Rob. He probably doesn't want to wake her up," Ben answers, looking at Eli like he's checking father-to-be to father-to-be if that is what he would do.

Eli nods in agreement.

Jazz laughs. "I missed breakfast, but let me guess. She had lots of energy today and all she wanted to do was clean the house?"

"That's right," Abilyn confirms.

"She's in the infirmary now," Jazz says calmly.

"What?" Eli's voice sounds jumpy as he joins in the conversation. I have a feeling that he's been finding comfort in the fact that Angie hasn't had their baby yet, since she's due a couple of months before me.

"Sudden energy and the desire to clean is often referred to as 'nesting'. It happens shortly before the baby is born. If I had to guess," Jazz's brown eyes twinkle, "their little girl will be here by morning."

* * *

"I'm going to go to the infirmary to check to see if Angie is there," Leeann says as most of us leave the cafeteria.

It's a risk, but I decide to take it. "Mind if I come with you?"

Leeann is silent for a moment and then shrugs. "You can do what you want. I can't stop you."

I decide to ignore the dig. It's not the most encouraging words I've ever heard, but… right now, from Leeann, I'll take it.

"We'll all go." Eli looks over at Chaz.

Eli and Chaz intentionally start out ahead of us and start discussing the camera that maintenance and tech support have been arguing about for the last couple of weeks. Maintenance says that it needs to be moved, but Tech Support says they need it there for the perspective. I know what Eli and Chaz are trying to do, and I can guess that Leeann does, too. We walk next to each other without talking. I try desperately to come up with something to say. "How are things going with Ava these days?" It's a pretty lame start, but it's first thing I come up with. I know Ezekiel isn't a welcome topic of conversation.

"Okay." Leeann pauses, and I think that's going to be the end of the conversation. "She's not really happy with Erudite right now."

It's not a personal conversation, but it _is_ a conversation, so I jump on it. "What's Erudite up to these days?"

Leeann shakes her head. "They're trying to convince leadership that _everyone_ in Dauntless needs to go through the new fear simulations. There are two camps right now in leadership. Ava and Jerri think it should only be done going forward and optional to those of us already in Dauntless. Max and Nate think if we're going to ask the initiates to do it, all of us should have to do it."

"And Kayla?" I ask about the last leader.

"Kayla is being Kayla," Leeann says, exasperated. "She can't make up her mind for anything. When she ends up being the deciding vote for something, all you can count on is her changing her mind multiple times before it's over. It looks like we're still a while out from a decision."

A sudden thought crashes down on me. "Leeann, are they going to make _us_ do the fear serum again? We've already done it twice."

Leeann slowly turns to me. "Depending on how quickly they decide, _you_ won't have to do it again. The Erudite doctors and scientists aren't sure what it will do to a baby if it is administered while the mother is pregnant, so…no pregnant women will be doing the fear simulations. At least, that's what it looks like right now."

"Maybe I'll get lucky and Kayla will actually make up her mind quickly," I respond.

Leeann snorts at that idea. "I wouldn't hold my breath on that happening."

* * *

Rodney appears to be the nurse on duty when we get to the infirmary. Eli has already admitted to me that although he knows Rodney is a good nurse and a professional, he's really hoping that Rodney won't be the nurse on duty when it's my turn. "Marion is in there with her right now. Angie's and Rob's parents are, too," Rodney tells us when the four of us approach him. "If you want to have a seat, I'll let them know you're here, but no one else is going in there right now."

"Understood," Eli answers for all of us. "Is it over? Is Angie okay?"

"Angie and the baby are both doing fine," Rodney assures him. "And Marion was here in plenty of time."

I have a feeling Rodney knows the fathers-to-be would prefer someone other than him be on duty when their children are born. Eli's already made Bekah promise that if Marion or one of the other Erudite midwives can't make it in time, that she'll come in if Rodney is on duty. I wonder if she's told Rodney that.

Rob's parents come out first, holding hands. "We have a beautiful granddaughter," his mother informs us. "You have a very lucky son." She laughs. "Angie is just certain they are going to get married."

I laugh with her. "She's convinced of that, isn't she?"

"We'll just have to wait and see if she's right," Rob's father says, trying to hold in his own laughter.

Angie's parents come through the door next. "Of course, you never did try to do the same with Rob," Angie's dad says loudly enough for all of us to hear.

Rob's dad laughs outright at that. "Okay, so Angie wasn't my first thought for Rob… she was the second."

Angie's parents join us. "Devin," she motions to Rob's dad, "was convinced Rob was going to end up with Kelly." She explains to us. "I'm the one who knew Angie and Rob would end up together."

Angie's dad kisses his wife's cheek. "You were right as always, my dear."

"Break it up." Rob's dad cuts in. "You two are grandparents now. Act like it!"

The four of them laugh together.

"Are we going to eat?" Rob's mom asks. "I have a feeling their friends might want to see our granddaughter, and I missed lunch waiting on her to make an appearance."

"See you kids later," Angie's mom says as the four of them walk out of the room. We can hear their excited voices long after they leave.

I move away from Eli to try to hide the sudden tears in my eye.

"Hana?" He follows me and, placing both hands on my shoulders, he turns me around. I close my eyes to try to hide the tears, but one slips out without permission. "What's wrong, Sweetheart?"

"Our parents won't wait together. Mom and Dad won't be here. I always knew they wouldn't be, but…" I open my eyes and look at Eli as two or three more tears fall silently, "I never really realized it until right now."

Eli takes me into his arms and holds me tight. "It's okay, Hana. It's okay to cry and wish they could be here. I wish they could be here, too."

I feel his shirt becoming damp from my tears, and I pull back and wipe my cheeks. "Sorry."

Eli opens his mouth to say something, but Marion comes through the door at that moment. "Hana! Eli! Good to see you both." Her cheerful voice makes me smile. Erudite has several midwives who make calls on the other factions to deliver the babies. I've met all of them by now, but Marion is my favorite. She is the grandmother type with short white hair, blue-gray eyes, and a bright smile. I'm really hoping that when it's my turn, she'll be the one to make the trip to Dauntless. She walks over to us and puts a hand on Ezekiel. She only has to wait for a minute before she's rewarded with a strong kick. "He's doing well. Are you feeling well these days?"

"Tired and emotional," I answer truthfully.

Her smile breaks out again. "You'll be tired for the next three or four years, trying to keep up with that one, if I don't miss my guess."

"I hadn't thought about that, but you're probably right."

"Of course I'm right. Rodney," she turns to face him, "why don't you check with Angie quickly and see if she's ready to see Hana and Eli."

"And Leeann and Chaz!" I call out after him as he walks away.

"I don't think I know you." Marion turns to Leeann and Chaz.

"I'm Chaz, and this is my wife, Leeann," Chaz introduces them. "Leeann and Eli are cousins."

"Leeann… Leeann..." Marion's face wrinkles in concentration, then suddenly her face brightens. "You're parents are Tonya and Evan."

I'm not sure which of us look the most shocked. "How did you know?" Leeann asks softly when she can speak again.

"I delivered you and your brother," Marion says proudly. "How are your parents these days?"

Eli starts to say something, but surprisingly, Chaz beats him to it. "Her mom died when we were five. We don't know how her dad is. He's Factionless now." He slips an arm around Leeann.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Marion's voice is sincere. "Your parents were so in love with each other and excited about the two of you. My, my, your father was proud of your brother. Let's see, what was his name… Nate, Nathan, Nick, that's it, Nick. But when you were born! Oh, my, he was sure you were the prettiest baby _ever_ in Dauntless. He was making all sorts of plans about how he was going to keep the boys away from you." Marion chuckles to herself. "They both loved you very much." There is a moment of silence. "Well, I'd better get back to Erudite. Who knows, they may need me somewhere else tonight, too. Good to see you."

Leeann is turned into Chaz's arms, her face buried in his shoulder. "If he loved me so much, why…" I can't hear any more of what she says because of the way she is muffled in his shirt.

Rodney picks this moment to come back through the doors and announce to us that we can all go in and see the newest addition to Dauntless.

Chaz holds Leeann tightly and kisses the top of her head. "Go on in. We'll be there in a moment," he whispers.

Eli takes my hand and we walk somberly back to see Angie's and Rob's new baby. "Marion was right," he says softly. "I had forgotten how Uncle Evan was always trying to figure out how to keep Chaz away from Leeann. It was a joke when they were little, and then…when Aunt Tonya got sick, it's like he just forgot everything and everyone else."

I give him a moment for his memories, then, when we reach Angie's room, I squeeze his hand. "Happy face. Angie and Rob are going to be excited."

Eli gives an intentionally bad smile to me. "Does that work?" I try not to encourage him, but a small giggle escapes. "So, according to Angie, we're about to meet our daughter-in-law, huh?"

I giggle again. "We sure are."

We open the door and walk into her room. Rob perches on the edge of Angie's bed. Angie's hair is pulled back in a ponytail and she holds a small bundle wrapped in a black blanket. "Hana! Eli! I guess it's only right that you are the first ones here. Are you ready to meet your daughter-in-law?"

I smile. "Of course."

Angie holds out her little girl so I can take her. I hold her in my arms and wonder at her. She is tiny and perfect. Her eyes are closed and there's just a little dark fluff on the top of her head. "Hana, Eli, meet Ashley."

 **So, congratulations to everyone who had already guessed Ashley was Angie's daughter! It was interesting: I asked everyone who guessed (I think) why they thought that it was Ashley. The responses were either, gut feeling, or because I think Abilyn named her second daughter, Lynn, after herself... so after Shauna is actually born I'll give you the actual quote from Insurgent that made Abilyn Shauna's mom... (because the funny thing is, _I_ never did catch that AbiLYN was going to be LYNN'S mom. That was pure coincidence...)**


	15. Chapter 15 - First Born

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Hope you all enjoy this one, too!**

 **Thank you also to Bahrfamily my steller beta who keeps this story gramatically correct. (and puts up with random emails from me about plot ideas...)**

 **Chapter 15 First Born**

"Hana!" Tori opens the door and says my name excitedly. "What are you doing here?"

For a moment, I'm wondering if I have the wrong date or time. I thought Kelly had invited me over to talk. I catch Kelly standing behind her, holding her finger to her lips with a pleading look on her face.

"I thought I'd stop by and say 'hi' to you and Kelly before I'm lugging around a baby and all of his things," I ad-lib quickly.

Tori's face falls just a little. "I wish I could stay around and talk, but I'm already late for work. I bet Kelly would enjoy a visit, though." Tori motions me to come in and closes the door behind me.

"Hana, come on in and have a seat." Kelly smiles as the three of us head to the family room. She looks at the different chairs in the room. "I'll let you figure out which one is going to be best for you to sit in."

"I'll see you later, Hana," Tori calls as she heads to the kitchen and the door that takes her to the tattoo parlor. "When you're finished talking to Kelly, stop by the tattoo parlor and see if I have a minute to talk. I have an appointment in five minutes or I'd tell you to just come now."

Kelly waits until I'm seated in the chair with arms on it. The arms will give me something to push on when I stand back up. "Thank you for not saying anything to Tori. I really thought she would be gone by the time you got here."

"No problem, but why didn't you want her to know you invited me over here?" Tori's birthday was last month, so unless Kelly is _really_ pre-planning, it's not a surprise party that she doesn't want Tori to know about.

Kelly pushes back on her cuticles and then suddenly blurts out, "How did you and Eli do it?"

"How did we do what?" I ask, genuinely curious as to what we did.

"How did you hide the fact you were dating from everyone for so long?"

I don't know what I expected her to want to know, but that wasn't it. "Well, we were careful. We dated two different ways. We dated in plain sight. Remember how Eli and Nick would walk me places, because of Jude?" I pause for Kelly to acknowledge that; when she does, I continue, "We talked a lot on those walks and got to know each other, both when Nick was there and when it was just the two of us. I actually know Nick pretty well because of that. We dated in secret by finding places to spend time alone where other people weren't likely to be."

"Like where?" Kelly prods.

I give a knowing smile to Kelly. "I'm guessing you're dating someone and you don't want anyone to know."

Our eyes lock for a moment and Kelly sighs. "Levi."

My eyebrows arch in surprise. I wasn't expecting a name. I'm not even sure I was expecting her to say yes. "Why don't you want anyone to know?"

"It's not that we don't want _anyone_ to know, it's that he doesn't want his daughter to know yet. He's dated a couple of times since his wife died, and he doesn't want to drag women in and out of her life unless he's serious."

"Smart," I remark. "We had to be careful because occasionally there were people there, but one place we met was at the net. We also met in what is now the room Tech Support and the Control Room share."

"That won't work anymore," she says disgustedly.

I start to tell her about the rooftop garden, but I realize that was our special place and I don't want to share it. "We also left Dauntless; we'd met at the trains, or at Buckingham Park, something like that." After I say that, I remember running into Tori and George there. I hope I'm not setting up them to be caught.

"That could work," she says slowly. "Thank you."

I try to decide for a moment if I'm nosy or not. In Abnegation, this conversation would be over, but I'm Dauntless now. "So, what do you think of Levi?"

"I'm enjoying getting to know him." Kelly takes a deep breath and grins slowly. "A lot."

* * *

It's wonderful to talk to Kelly, although now that I know about her and Levi, he's _all_ she wants to talk about. The problem is that I needed to leave five minutes ago to meet Eli in the Pit to go shopping for Ezekiel.

"Where have you been?" Eli demands as soon as I find him.

"Kelly's. I'm sorry, I had no idea she had so much to talk about." I grin.

"What did she need to talk about?" he asks as we start walking at a brisk pace towards the baby store.

"It's not a what…" I say slowly. Kelly didn't exactly swear me to secrecy, but she did say they are trying to keep it quiet.

Eli thinks for then a second. "So, did Levi actually ask her out?"

I look at him, shocked.

"He did! I knew it." The Pedrad grin crosses his face.

"Don't say anything. You didn't hear that from me." Suddenly I clutch at my belly. "Slow down."

"What's wrong?" Eli looks at me, panicked. According to the midwife I saw yesterday, I'm getting close, very close, to going into labor.

"I'm either having Braxton-Hicks contractions or I'm going into labor."

"How do you know which it is?" He keeps moving at his rapid pace, but he starts heading more towards the infirmary than the store.

"You slow down," I say forcefully, pulling on his hand to make him stop.

He comes to a complete stop so quickly I almost bump into him.

"If it's Braxton-Hicks, when I slow down they will stop."

"How do you know that?" Eli sounds concerned.

"Because Marion warned me about it at one of my appointments that you missed, and it has happened a couple of times before."

"When?" He looks at me accusingly.

"When you weren't around."

"Hana, don't you think I should know about that?"

"Eli, it's no big deal." I start walking towards the store.

"Where are you going?" He takes two large steps and catches up with me.

"They stopped. Like I said, it's no big deal. Come on, if we don't get some shopping done, Ezekiel isn't even going to have a bed to sleep in once he's born."

* * *

"You know," Rob grins as he starts talking to Eli, "if your son doesn't hurry up and get here, we're going to decide that Abilyn's and Ben's girl can have him."

"Why is that?" Eli asks grumpily. I'm officially overdue tomorrow, and his mood has been going steadily downhill for the last week. We've reached the point where he's just ready for Ezekiel to put in his appearance.

"He's too slow!" Rob says with a laugh.

Eli glares at him, and then a slow smile fills his face. "That's fine. A boy his age should keep his options open."

* * *

Ezekiel is handsome. I look down at him lying across my lap, his head at my knees. He is absolutely perfect. He looks so much like a little Eli that it amazes me; he has Eli's broad shoulders and muscular build. Marion says he's going to be a big boy when he grows up. Even though he is sleeping right now, his little mouth works itself in a sucking motion like he's eating in his sleep. He looks so peaceful. Suddenly my lap is wet. His diaper must have leaked. "Eli!"

He comes quickly in response to my call, carrying a pitcher of water. "What do you need?" As he asks, he trips and douses me with water from the waist down.

"Eli!" How could he be so clumsy? I lift Ezekiel off my lap, trying to keep him dry. Water drips off his blanket. "Take Ezekiel. Dry him off and change his diaper."

Eli reaches out for Ezekiel just as the baby stretches out and kicks me in the stomach. My eyes close for just a moment with the pain. When I open my eyes, Ezekiel is gone. It's dark. I look around and realize that I'm in bed with Eli. The sheets are wet and so am I. I'm confused for a moment. I move slowly, trying to get out of bed without waking up Eli. I need to get cleaned up and then I'll get him up so we can change the sheets. I head to my chest of drawers to get a new nightgown. Halfway across the floor I realize what is going on, when I feel my abdomen tightening. I breathe my way through it, realizing that my water must have broken, and I am _finally_ in labor. I bite my lip, trying to decide if I should wake Eli up or see how far apart the contractions are before I do.

The problem is that it is too dark to see a clock. I grab a change of clothes instead of a nightgown and head to the bathroom to get cleaned up and change. I grab Eli's stop watch from his nightstand so I can keep track of my contractions while I'm in the bathroom.

"Hana?" He's instantly awake when the stop watch makes a scraping noise as I pick it up.

It only takes me a moment to decide what to tell him. "Get up and get dressed. My water broke. We need to get the sheets off the bed and into the washer before we leave for the infirmary."

"Are you having contractions?" he asks, panicky.

"Yes. I've grabbed the stop watch to time them, if I have one while I get cleaned up." I hold it up for him to see.

He stands up and heads for the closet. "I'll take care of the sheets later; as soon as I'm dressed, we'll head to the infirmary."

"No," I tell him firmly.

"Hana…"

"We need to see how far apart the contractions are. I'm not going too early. I'd rather be home and taking care of things than sitting around the infirmary doing nothing." I head to the door. "And we're taking care of those sheets first. You aren't going to remember them after Ezekiel is born, and I'm _not_ coming home to that mess.

* * *

The sheets are washed, dried and back on our bed before my contractions start closing in on the five minute mark, and even though Bekah, Marion, and all the other midwives have assured Eli that they should be there in plenty of time if we wait until my contractions are five minutes apart, I give in and we head to the infirmary when they reach six minutes. There is just no point in losing my sanity trying to keep Eli at home any longer.

Rodney looks up from the desk. Eli stiffens next to me. This is _not_ who he hoped to see in the infirmary.

"How far apart?" He gets straight to business.

"Six minutes," I start, then grab Eli's hand and try to crush it as another contraction starts.

Eli frantically grabs the stop watch with his other hand and checks it. "Five minutes thirty-three seconds," he corrects me.

I concentrate on trying to breathe through the pain like they taught me. When it's over, I lessen my hold on Eli's hand and turn my attention back to Rodney. "When I woke up at three fifteen, my water had already broken."

Rodney nods. "Let's get you in the birthing room and get you changed." He smiles at Eli. "We change shifts at seven. That's only thirty minutes. Bekah is my relief today. As long as Hana's contractions don't get closer together than five minutes, we can probably hold off checking her until then."

Eli nods, losing just a little of the worried look in his eyes.

* * *

"There's been a change of plans. Marion is on her way," Bekah tells us when my contractions are about three minutes apart.

"Why the change?" I ask as I finish breathing through a contraction. Not that I mind; in fact, I'm very happy about the change.

"Her delivery in Abnegation was quicker than expected," Bekah answers.

I lean wearily against the pillows. "Eli, you really need to let your parents know," I tell him for what seems to be the thousandth time. "Bekah's here. I'll be fine. Your parents want to be here."

"Actually," Bekah smiles, "that was the other reason I came in here. Rodney ran into them at lunch and they got here just as I got off the phone with Marion."

I feel tears in my eyes. I've wanted my mom here for so long, but I can't have her. "Eli, you need to eat lunch, too. Why don't you go get something to eat with your dad and send your mom in to be with me while you're gone?"

"No." Eli's stomach rumbles as he says that, so I know he's hungry. Just because I can't eat doesn't mean he shouldn't. "What if he comes while I'm gone?"

Bekah steps in before I can try to argue with him. "Eli, I can guarantee you have at least an hour to go to the cafeteria, eat and come back. Her contractions are coming closer, but you still have at least an hour. Go eat." Eli looks torn.

"Better to leave and eat now, than have to pass out from hunger when Ezekiel first gets here." I give him an Abnegation smile.

He returns it with a lopsided grin. "I'll go get Mom."

Bekah stays with me while he's gone. "Are you sure you don't want anything for the pain?" she asks, watching the monitor to see when the next contraction is coming.

"I'm fine," I assure her. "It hurts, but I still have problems believing it doesn't hurt the baby."

Bekah smiles at me. "When we have kids, I'm having drugs. Just so you know. There is nothing logical about being worn out from pain when your baby makes his appearance."

My small chuckle stops as the next contraction starts, and I quickly start breathing through it. "Maybe it is still the Abnegation in me," I say once the contraction is over.

Bekah laughs and leans in to whisper in my ear as the door opens and Taylor walk in. "Probably, because Abilyn told me that 'truthfully, she didn't see the point in all the pain,' when she told me she plans on having pain medicine." I join her laughter as Taylor walks over to me. "Well, I'll be back to check on you in a little bit."

"You know, it _could_ be that I'm the only one of us _brave_ enough to face the pain," I call to her as she leaves. Her laughter floats through the air as the door closes behind her.

I turn to Taylor. "I want my mom." The tears roll down my cheeks.

Taylor leans in and hugs me closely. "I'm sure you do. I wish she could be here, too." I hold onto her until the next contraction hits, then I let go and start my breathing again. Her hand brushes gently against my forehead. "You concentrate on having this baby before six o'clock, okay? Today is one of the days Abram is supposed to meet Evan to let him know if you've had the baby yet or not. If Ezekiel puts in his appearance before six, Abram can let Evan know today and your mom will know tomorrow."

More tears squeeze from my eyes. "Listen up, Ezekiel." My voice is a stern whisper. "Mommy says you need to be here so Grandpa can get the message to your other Grandma. You've done enough stalling. It's time to move."

* * *

Eli supports me into a sitting position as Marion encourages me. "Come on, Hana, I can see his head. Next contraction, one more really good push and I think your son will be here."

"I can't." I shake my head. "I'm too tired." I try to sag back onto the bed, but Eli holds me up and won't let me. "I just need to rest."

"You can rest when he's here," Eli promises me. He kisses my temple. "You've done such a good job, Hana. Just a little bit longer."

"Get ready, Hana," Marion warns me. She's watching the monitors so she knows when the next contraction is about to happen. "Okay, give me that good push."

The last time I looked at the clock, it was nearly four. It can't be too late for Abram to get word to Evan today so Mom and Dad will know tomorrow. That thought gives me the strength I need to push again. A strange feeling of release comes over me and I hear a cry. I sag back on Eli's strong arms, still trying to look and see him.

"Record the time as four thirty-two," Marion calls out to Bekah, who is in the room to help. Then she turns her attention back to us. "Do you want to cut the cord?" Marion asks Eli.

Eli's eyes shine and with a kiss, he gently lays me back down on the pillows. I prop myself on my elbows so I can see him and Ezekiel. When the umbilical cord is cut and Ezekiel is on his own, Marion puts him on my chest. "Here's your little boy," she says softly. "He's a handsome one, Hana."

I wrap my arms around him and look down expecting to see the baby in my dream, the perfect tiny replica of Eli, but I don't. Instead of being broad and filled out like his father, he's much thinner, with a slimmer build. He'll never have the broad shoulders his dad does. For a moment, I feel a stab of disappointment, but only for a moment, because as soon as he opens his eyes, I see those eyes I love. They are deep brown, like his dad's, with flecks of gold sprinkled in. I pull him tighter and kiss his forehead for the first time. "I love you, Ezekiel Pedrad."


	16. Chapter 16 - Leeann and Zeke

**Thank you to all my wonderful readers who reviewed the last chapter. Stats are down. :-( so the only way I know anyone even read that chapter was from reviews! So thank you very very much for taking the time to do that.**

 **And you all know what's next... thank you to Bahrfamily, who gave me the idea that sparked the end of this chapter months ago.**

 **Chapter 16 Leeann and Zeke**

Taylor and Abram are both beaming as they come into the room to see Ezekiel. "Where's my grandson?" Abram's voice is loud enough to make Ezekiel startle.

"Shhhh," Eli cautions his father.

"Hand him over," Abram demands with a grin. "I get him first, since I have to leave pretty soon for a very important meeting." He winks at me.

I thoughtfully hand him over to the only grandpa he'll ever know. "Does anyone have some paper and a pen?"

Taylor looks around. "I'll be right back."

Abram holds him close, his eyes shining. "Hello, Ezekiel. There are a lot of people who have been waiting to meet you." He sits down and unwraps the blanket from around him so he can check him out better. He holds out Ezekiel's hand, marveling at each tiny finger, and then checks out the next one.

Taylor returns about then. "Abram, bundle that boy back up! He's going to get cold!" she scolds him, handing me a piece of paper and a pen.

"Thank you." I pull the tray across my lap and start to write.

 _ **Dear Mom and Dad,**_

 _ **This is going to have to be short. Abram will be leaving in a few minutes to give this to Evan so he can give it to you.**_

 _ **Ezekiel**_ _ **Pedrad**_ _ **was born this afternoon. (Well, when you get this it will be yesterday afternoon.) We are both fine. My labor was about thirteen hours, but it was worth it just to hold him in my arms.**_

 _ **He has Eli's eyes and mouth. I don't think he'll be as broad and tall as Eli. He has more of my slender build. I just hope he doesn't end up being as short as me.**_

 _ **Mom, I think he has your hands. His fingers seem so long, like they just go on forever.**_

 _ **Dad, he seems to have your forehead: when he cries, it wrinkles up just like yours does when you are thinking hard about something important.**_

 _ **I can't wait until Visiting Day when you can meet him and hold him for yourself. I wish there was a way you could meet him sooner, but I guess we've bent enough rules already between Evan meeting with you and this letter…**_

 _ **I love you both and I miss you both,**_

 _ **Hana**_

I blot the tear that fell next to my name with the back of my hand and look up to see if anyone is watching me. Everyone seems to be transfixed on Ezekiel. With a smile, I notice the envelope Taylor left for me on the tray. I fold my letter in thirds, put it in the envelope, and seal it.

I check on Ezekiel. It seems so funny not to know where he is. He should be here, safe inside me, but he's not any more. As ready as I was for him to be born, that is one thing I hadn't thought about.

He's wrapped back up in his soft blanket and tucked in Taylor's arms. She glows with pride, holding him. Abram kisses his wife and then his grandson. He's heading towards me when the door opens and Nick walks in. "I hear we have a new member of the family."

"We do." Eli's grin stretches from ear to ear. "Come meet him."

"You're going to have to wait your turn." Taylor is serious. "I _just_ got ahold of him."

"I'm headed out." Abram takes the envelope I am holding out to him. He reaches out and hugs me. "Thank you for my grandson."

"Thank you for letting Mom and Dad know," I say with all seriousness.

Nick puts a hand on Abram's shoulder and stops him on his way out. It takes him a moment to get out what he's trying to say. "Tell Dad thank you for doing this."

Abram holds his gaze for a minute to make sure Nick is serious and then nods. "I will." He tucks the envelope into his pocket and leaves.

Nick watches the door even after Abram leaves, almost like he's deciding if he should run after him and take it back, but he doesn't.

We all come back to attention when Ezekiel gives a cry. Taylor bounces him a little, but that doesn't seem to slow him down at all. Then she takes one of her fingers and puts it in his mouth. For a couple of seconds that quiets him. Then he pushes it out with his tongue and resumes crying. Taylor stands up and hands him to me. "Someone's hungry."

"How do you know?" I ask her, realizing I have a lot to learn.

"He was okay with sucking my finger until he realized he wasn't going to get anything out of it."

I take my baby back and notice that Eli and Nick have moved closer to the door to give me some privacy as Taylor helps me figure out what I need to do. Once we have Ezekiel happy again, I try to pay attention to them. They speak in hushed tones, hardly loud enough for me to hear.

"Do you mind letting Leeann and Chaz know?" Eli begins.

"I already took care of that before I came here," Nick assures him.

"Then they'll be here soon?" Eli almost looks afraid of the answer.

Nick looks away from Eli for a moment, his eyes dancing around the room in an attempt to avoid eye contact.

"Nick, what happened?" Eli pushes.

Nick takes a deep breath but doesn't answer until he's slowly let the whole thing out. "Chaz is probably on his way."

"But not Leeann." It's a statement and a question rolled into one.

"Chaz was the one who opened the door. He was excited when I told him. He told me he was going to go get Leeann, and if I would wait, we could all come meet Ezekiel together. He left the door open when he went to tell Leeann. I didn't hear the whole conversation, but Chaz actually called my sister a spoiled brat to her face." A slow smile invades Nick's face. "I haven't heard anyone call her that to her face since Tami left. Anyway, when Chaz came out, he slammed the door behind him and told me he'd be here as soon as he calmed down."

Eli rubs his forehead. "Maybe Tami was right; coddling her to keep the peace was just putting off the confrontation."

"You know, it's funny when you think about it. Tami wasn't afraid to shatter the peace with Leeann, usually at the top of her lungs, and yet _she's_ the one who left for Amity," Nick observes.

Eli looks at him with complete disbelief. I can't see either of their full faces, but they seem to be communicating something important with their eyes. I wish I could tell what it was.

"Okay, so maybe in a way it wasn't completely a surprise that everything turned out this way," Nick concedes.

"I can't be entirely sorry that they did," Eli says, stealing a glance at Ezekiel and me.

I bring my focus back to Ezekiel while still listening to what they say. "Maybe I should wait for Chaz in the waiting room. When Hana's finished feeding him, someone could come get us."

* * *

"He's perfect, Hana," Nick says when he finally gets his chance to hold Ezekiel. "You did good. He doesn't look too much like Eli." There's a touch of laughter in his voice as he says the last part.

"He has the Pedrad eyes," Chaz observes from his vantage point, looking over Nick's shoulder.

Eli's sitting on the bed with me, his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I snuggle in, marveling at how wonderful it feels to be wrapped in Eli's arms and pain-free after the last few hours. My eyes slowly blink as I watch the family fuss over Ezekiel. Abram isn't back yet, but I'm sure he will be soon. Leeann is missing. It hurts, but it isn't unexpected. I had prepared myself for this possibility, but that doesn't keep it from hurting. It hurts a lot that she can't even show up to look at the baby, but… my eyes close. Everyone who is here is happy that he's here and loves him. Isn't that what really matters?

* * *

"Ba-by?" Amar's voice is tentative as he tries out the word from Rais's arms.

"That's right, Amar. That's Hana's and Eli's baby," Rais says as they both look at the sleeping baby that Jazz holds.

"No, no ba-by." Amar's voice is suddenly firm. "Mom-ma hold _me_." He tries to wiggle out of Rais's arms. Jazz smiles and hands Ezekiel off to Tori. Tori takes him with a large grin as Amar clambers onto Jazz's lap, looking very pleased with himself. " _My_ mom-ma. No ba-by."

Everyone laughs. "Well, Rais, it looks like Amar is on my side!" Jazz smiles and pulls Amar close.

I miss Rais's response as Kelly walks in and comes over to me. "Congratulations."

"Thank you." I smile back at her from my 'throne', as Eli has taken to calling my position on the bed in the middle of everything. Abram and Taylor left as our friends start cycling in. They promised to be back tomorrow morning.

"Where is he?" she asks, looking around the crowded room.

"Tori has him right now." I check to make sure I'm right.

Kelly leaves me and wanders off to Tori so she can get a look at him.

"You know," Eli whispers in my ear, "you and I could leave and no one would even notice it."

I stifle the laugh building up inside of me. "They'd notice as soon as he decided he was hungry!"

It doesn't surprise me at all when the door opens and Levi walks in. They are playing it a lot like Eli and I did. They show up close together, but not together. Levi comes over to congratulate Eli and me first. While he talks to Eli, I keep my eyes on Ezekiel, watching as he occasionally gets moved to a different pair of arms. Along with watching Ezekiel, I watch Kelly and Levi, too.

Kelly's eyes stray often to Levi, and his eyes stray just as often to her. When Levi finishes talking to Eli, he moves over to where Kelly stands. Just like we used to stand, it's that odd distance. They stand close enough to talk, closer than they need to be, but not so close that they appear to be together.

"We're here!" Angie announces as she and Rob coming in, bearing Ashley. "Make way for the bride!"

Abilyn, who is the one currently holding Ezekiel, makes a sudden gasp. "Not everyone agrees with you, Angie!"

"Oh?" Angie smiles and starts walking toward her.

"Our little girl has been calm and happy the whole time I've been holding him, but as soon as you said to make way for the bride, she made her displeasure known in a flurry of kicks." Abilyn holds Ezekiel in one hand and places the other over her baby. "Calm down, little one, you'll have your chance."

Ben looks over at Rob and rolls his eyes. "Hey! Rob, I'll make a deal with you."

"What kind of a deal?" Rob asks suspiciously as he adjusts his hold on Ashley.

"As long as Ashley doesn't actually steal Ezekiel from our daughter and break her heart, I won't come after you if she ends up with him, if you'll do the same."

"That works for me," Rob replies as he bounces Ashley in his arms. "In fact, I'll do you one better."

"What's that?" Ben asks curiously.

"If Ezekiel breaks either of the girls' hearts by going after someone else, we _both_ go after Eli."

* * *

It feels so good to be home. I really don't see why I needed to spend two days in the infirmary after Ezekiel was born. He and I were both doing fine, but Bekah informed me that was standard for a normal delivery. I make myself follow Taylor's advice and put him in the bassinet that we have set up in the family room instead of putting him down in his bedroom. She swears it will help him learn the difference between night and day and make it so he sleeps through the night earlier.

"So, Mommy," Eli whispers as he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me, "what do you want to do while he's asleep?"

I feel myself smile. "Stand here and watch him sleep?"

Eli chuckles. "I was really thinking you should take Mom's advice and nap while he is sleeping."

"Can't I just watch him sleep?" I protest softly as Eli leads me towards our bedroom.

"Sleep, Hana. If he wakes up, I'll bring him to you so you can feed him."

* * *

In the short time I've been home my days have started falling into a new pattern. It is a strange pattern in some respects. We've been eating every meal at home. I think Eli wants to avoid having Leeann snub Ezekiel in public.

During the day, it is just our little family, since we are both off from work. Eli makes me nap with Ezekiel a couple of times a day, and we both take turns holding him and spoiling him in those short periods that he's awake.

Every evening before they go to dinner, Taylor and Abram stop by to see their grandson. Taylor keeps promising me they won't do it forever, but I'm not complaining. They coo and admire him while I fix dinner with Eli's closely supervised help.

Every night after dinner, Chaz and Nick visit us. They take turns holding Ezekiel and we talk about anything except what we need to talk about the most: Leeann. No one discusses her with us.

I finish feeding Ezekiel and change his diaper, smiling as I do. Chaz should be here soon to fawn over Ezekiel, and Nick shouldn't be too far behind him. I hear voices at the door and hurry out to see Chaz. He's running a little late tonight.

"How are Hana and Ezekiel?" he asks. "We came by to see them."

We? Who does he mean by "we"? Surely if he came by at the same time as Nick, there would be no reason to say "we came by to see them." That would be pretty obvious. My heart flutters with anticipation. Could he mean Leeann?

"They're doing pretty well. Hana's tired. She was up with Ezekiel several times during the night. I guess she kept falling asleep in the rocking chair while she was feeding him." Eli chuckles. "If I had known she would be sleeping in that rocking chair, I wouldn't have let her pick out a wooden one!"

"Where are they?" Chaz asks.

I take a deep breath. It's the moment of truth: time to find out if he has Leeann with him or not. "We're right here," I say gently, so as not to wake my sleeping baby.

"Have a seat," Eli says, ignoring the fact that Leeann looks like she's about to bolt. If I had to guess, I would say that Chaz's arm wrapped firmly around her waist is the only thing keeping her here.

They both sit down on the couch. Out of habit, I start to hand Ezekiel off to Chaz so he can hold him, but Chaz shakes his head. "Actually," he stands up, "I was going to see if I could borrow your husband for a few minutes. I realize you're technically off work right now, but I wanted to run something past you really quickly. Leeann can stay here and help Hana if she needs anything."

Before Leeann and I can react to what is happening, we are left alone with Ezekiel. I sit on the loveseat, unsure of what to say to her. Do I call her out on her behavior like I tried to on the elevator? Do I talk to her about her how her job is going, like I did when we went to visit Angie after she had just had Ashley? Do we just sit here, both awkward in the silence that stretches out between us? Do I wait and make here be the first to say something?

Suddenly, I have the wildest desire to simply drop Ezekiel in her arms and leave them alone for a few minutes, hoping that Ezekiel will work some kind of baby magic on her. I stand up before I lose my nerve. "I need to go to the bathroom." I gently put Ezekiel in her arms, hoping against hope that when I come back, he will still be there, that she won't simply stand up and put him in his bassinet.

I don't really need to go to the bathroom, but I go in anyway and close the door behind me. Trapped in the bathroom, I wonder what I should do. It only takes me a moment to decide I should check my tablet. Natalie told me that unless there was an absolute emergency, I wouldn't hear from her until my maternity leave with the control room is over, but I keep checking it every day, just in case there is something that she needs.

I do find a message from her, and it makes me smile.

 _ **Go back to your baby. Everything is fine on this end.**_

I take a deep breath, hoping her message is prophetic, and everything will be fine on this end, too, when I get back. I put the tablet away. It's time to see how things are going with Ezekiel and Leeann. I walk quietly down the hallway, unsure of what to expect. What I find isn't at all what I expected to see. Leeann holds Ezekiel close to her heart, tears slowly tracing her cheek. One of them falls on Ezekiel's cheek and she gently wipes it away.

She stares at him for a moment, like she is memorizing how he looks, and then leans down and kisses his tiny cheek. "Hi, Zeke, I'm your aunt Leeann." My heart forgets how to beat for just a moment. Chaz and Nick both refer to themselves as uncle, but I didn't expect Leeann to ever refer to herself as aunt. "And I'm sorry, so very, very sorry for the way I've acted." She pulls her eyes away from Ezekiel and looks at me like she knew I was standing there the whole time. Angie told me not to expect Leeann to say she was sorry, but she did. In her own way, she did.

I wonder if I'll ever find out what happened between the two of them to bring Leeann to tears, but I realize if she's had a change of heart, I really don't care if I ever do know.

 **Hana may not know what happened to Leeann while she held Ezekiel, but if you want to know all you have to do is leave a review for this chapter and I'll gladly PM you Leeann's POV of what just happened so she can tell you herself.**

 **To get a PM you do have to have a Fanfiction account, so if you review as a guest I'm not able to send it to you, but it's quick and easy and free to become a member if you aren't one already.**


	17. Chapter 17 - Dislike

**I haven't done this in a long time, but I think I might eventually get some questions on the whole Ezekiel/Zeke name issue, so to clarify it before it happens here from "Four: A Divergent Collection The Initiate" is the explanation of why you will almost always see Hana call her first born Ezekiel, while almost everyone else will quickly start to call him Zeke…**

" **Good job," Amar says, and he moves on to Zeke, hooking his arm around Zeke's neck and dragging Zeke's head against his chest. "I see you've met my young friend Ezekiel."**

" **Just because my mom calls me that doesn't mean you have to," Zeke says, throwing Amar off. He looks at me. "Amar's grandparents were friends with my parents."**

 **Thank you as always to Bahrfamily who helped insure we can publish throughout the holidays wihtout either of us missing any of the fun!**

 **Most importantly I'd like to wish each and everyone of you who is reading this a blessed Christmas tomorrow. Hope you all are able to spend the day with family and/or friends.**

 **Chapter 17 Dislike**

Now that Eli is back at work, evenings have quickly become my favorite time of the day. When Eli gets home, I have dinner ready; we sit down and eat while Ezekiel sleeps. When Ezekiel wakes up, Eli always grabs one more bite, and then jumps out of his chair to grab him. He sits back down at the table, trying to keep him calm while I finish eating. As soon as I'm done, we trade off the hungry baby and I feed him while Eli finishes eating. Once Ezekiel is finished eating, Eli claims him for the rest of the night. He changes his diaper and just enjoys being Ezekiel's dad until bath time. The only reason I get him at bath time is that although I am Dauntless, I'm just _not_ brave enough yet to see what Eli will do with that. He sits on the stool and watches me bathe him, occasionally reaching into the water and splashing Ezekiel, who kicks and swings his hands with delight. When he's clean, I pass him off to Eli, who dries him off and gets him ready for bed.

I dry up the bathroom from the splashing while Eli does that. When that's done I pull out my tablet and check to see if I have any messages from Natalie. Eli still doesn't know about the tablet, so it's a good time for me to check it.

Ezekiel is just about two months old the first time I get a message to meet her since he was born.

 _ **Can you meet me tomorrow afternoon at two in my old room? Bring Ezekiel with you. I'd love to see him.**_

 _ **That should work. Ezekiel and I will be there.**_ I type out my reply.

I spend the remainder of the evening before we get Ezekiel to bed absentmindedly watching my boys play while debating if I tell Eli about this or not. But in the end, it's an easy decision. I'm going to tell him. This is what I've wanted to do the whole time: be honest with my husband.

After we get Ezekiel down for the night, the first time, we cuddle on the couch, sharing our days. Eli tells me about his day first, since there is more variety to his days right now than there is to mine. "So, what did you and Zeke do today?" Eli always starts with that question when he is finished telling me what happened in Tech Support that day.

I wrinkle my nose at "Zeke". I'm not sure what happened to my Ezekiel, but somehow Leeann seems to have managed to hijack my son's name and now instead of Ezekiel, he's Zeke. " _Ezekiel_ and I hung out here at home. He ate and slept. I ate and slept." I pause for a moment and smile at him. "I also fixed meals and cleaned the house."

Eli kisses my forehead. "I'm glad you took a nap. What's on your agenda for tomorrow, more of the same?"

"More of the same, but…" I take a deep breath. "Natalie wants to see me about something."

"You told her no." Eli's voice is certain.

"I told her yes." I reply, surprised by his tone.

"Hana," he pushes me off him so he can look me in the face, "you just had a baby."

"We might be in different Factions, but we're friends, Eli. She wants to see our baby," I explain.

"I don't like this," Eli tells me forcefully. "I can't help but feel like she's going to want something besides that."

"So what if she does?" I'm puzzled by his attitude. We haven't really discussed it since the day I told him about Natalie and me. I guess I just assumed he was alright with it.

"I don't want you taking Zeke to another faction," is his first response.

"We won't be leaving Dauntless," I assure him.

"How do you know that?" Eli's eyes search me.

"Because we're meeting here in Dauntless."

"Where?" Eli presses.

"We meet in different places." I purposely am vague. The last thing I need is Eli trying to check up on me and bursting in on Natalie and me. I think he believes me that I'm not meeting with Zane, but… "We've met at the fights, we've met by the Chasm, we've met outside near the Pire, and we've met in a room just off the Chasm…"

"I don't want you taking Zeke down to the Chasm," Eli interrupts me with a firm voice.

"I'm not taking Ezekiel down to the Chasm," I assure him. I take a deep breath through my nose before I mention where we really are meeting this time. "We've even met in Natalie's old room."

He's thoughtful for a minute. "As long as you don't take him to the Chasm…"

"I won't," I assure him.

"I'm not sure I like the idea of _you_ being in the Chasm," he mutters softly.

"I promise I'm careful. That's also probably the place we meet at the least," I reassure him.

Eli looks at me and shakes his head. "What would she need you for?"

"I don't know. You're the one who seems convinced that she wants something from me other than to see Ezekiel."

Eli is quiet for a moment. "What _exactly_ doyou do for her?"

It dawns on me in that moment just how much he trusts me. He must have been wondering that for months now, and yet he's never said a thing. Even though part of what led him to finding out was his drunken accusation that I was having an affair. "It depends on what she needs. Normally I either cover her tracks by putting false footage in for people to watch, or I record things she needs to be able to see, but she can't be at. I'm not really able to do any of that without working, so… I'm pretty sure she just wants to meet Ezekiel." I try to keep my voice steady. The truth is, I take Ezekiel to the control room on a fairly regular basis, to "show him off," just in case Natalie needs me to do something while I'm on maternity leave. I don't miss my job half as much as it must look like I do. In fact, I've had the thought that if it wasn't for helping Natalie, I'd look for a different job, one where I don't work rotating shifts.

"Why does she need to see anything?" Eli arches one eyebrow.

"So she knows what is going on within other factions."

"Isn't that a little traitorous?" Eli's tone isn't exactly accusing, but it's close.

I stifle a sigh. "The people outside the fence put us in here. They watch us on the monitors anyway. She could get it from them. All I do is make it easier for her to get the information."

"How do you know this?" He sounds suspicious.

"Natalie just... knows things. She barely says something and it seems to happen. Back when the Control Room was assigned by factions, she always knew ahead of time what faction I would have."

"She couldn't have." Eli dismisses me briskly. "They're assigned at random."

"It can be controlled by the people outside of the fence. If Natalie needed me assigned to a faction, I always had it. Even now, if there is a specific area she needs me to watch, my feeds will be heavier with that faction, or those cameras."

"Are you sure the people outside the fence can be trusted?"

I look Eli in the eyes. "I'm sure _Natalie_ can be trusted. If she trusts them, then I trust them."

Eli holds my gaze, measuring me, trying to determine how serious I am. Finally he sighs. "If _you_ trust Natalie, then I will, too." He leans in and kisses my nose. "For now."

I lean in for a real kiss, our lips touching, my arms wrapping around his neck. Eli pulls me onto his lap so it's more comfortable, and then, right on cue, the wail begins from the other room. We pull back slowly. "Is it really that time already?" Eli asks me.

My body responds to Ezekiel's cries. "It's that time," I confirm as I stand up.

"That boy is a mood killer, you know that?" Eli calls out to me with a laugh as I head into the nursery.

* * *

It surprises me how excited and nervous I am to see Natalie. I feel like it's the first time I've had Ezekiel out by myself to see anyone, even though it is far from that. There's just something different about taking him to meet Natalie instead of any of our friends. I gaze at Ezekiel's sleeping face, pressed up against me in his carrier, before I check the hallway. It's empty, so I reach up and turn the knob in the light and hurry over to Natalie's old room. The door is unlocked so I head on in. Natalie is standing by the door, ready to pounce at me. "Hand him over!"

I smile at her very un-Abnegation impatience while I gently remove him. His eyes open briefly and then scrunch up, ready to cry because of the interruption in his nap, but I quickly return the pacifier to his mouth as I rock him back and forth. When his eyes close again, I hand him over to Natalie. "Natalie, meet Ezekiel Pedrad."

Natalie holds him close and gently swaying back and forth. "Ezekiel." She smiles. "You picked out the name, didn't you?"

I nod. "How did you know?"

"How would I not know?" Natalie sounds genuinely puzzled. "Hana, his name is closer to Abnegation than Dauntless. He's going to end up with a nickname, you know that, right?"

"He already has one," I grumble, continuing on when Natalie looks at me questioningly. "Leeann calls him 'Zeke' and everyone else seems to have picked up on it."

Natalie chuckles. "So, are you enjoying motherhood?" Natalie holds him close "Never mind, I can see the answer in your face. You _are_ enjoying it."

"I am, but I'm probably enjoying it more since Leeann finally came around."

Natalie laughs softly as she heads to her chair. "Any idea of what happened there?"

I sit down on the table across from her. "She actually told me a little of what happened, and what happened was pretty simple. I made her hold him, and he opened his eyes," I answer with a laugh.

"He opened his…" Natalie's voice trails off as Ezekiel picks that moment to open his eyes again. "Oh, my! He has Eli's eyes."

"And Leeann's, and Nick's, and Taylor's, and Leeann's mother's," I finish softly. "Evidently when she saw his eyes, she realized that there was a piece of her mom in him."

We're both quiet for a moment.

"I have my dad's eyes." Natalie's voice is soft. "I guess I'm hoping that I'll pass them on when Andrew and I have kids."

"And when will that be?" I ask, smiling at the sight of her holding Ezekiel. She looks pretty comfortable with him in her arms.

"You know Abnegation. Probably about two more years."

I decide to speak up about what I saw on Visiting Day. "Okay, I know that's the way it's supposed to work, but didn't Marcus get married the same day we did?" At Natalie's nod, I continue on to ask the question that's been bugging me for almost six months now. "On Visiting Day we ran into Marcus and his wife."

Natalie laughs. "You're right. They are expecting, too, a little early. But he's _Marcus_." Natalie's shoulders pop up and down quickly in a shrug. "Like anyone's going to say anything to Abnegation's Golden Child about having a child early for Abnegation. She's due any day now."

* * *

After changing his diaper, we lay Ezekiel on the bed between us and he bestows one of his sunny toothless smiles on Natalie and me. "He's a very happy baby," Natalie observes.

I hold out my finger for him to hold. He wraps his hand around it and draws it into his mouth. I smile down at my growing son. "Taylor says he takes after Eli that way."

Natalie keeps her bright eyes fixed on Ezekiel, but she doesn't respond. I study her for a minute and slowly realize Eli's right. She needs me to do something, but isn't sure how to ask, especially not with Ezekiel in front of her. "What do you need?" I ask softly.

"What makes you think I need anything?" Natalie avoids the question with one of her own.

"Eli planted the thought in my mind," I admit softly, "but right now, you're looking at Ezekiel like you are trying to gather up the courage to ask me to do something."

Natalie's laugh sparkles like sunshine on a spring day. "I thought only Andrew could see through me."

I smile back. "You take a break from being Abnegation around me."

"I hate to ask you this, but is there any way you can go to the control room for me on Feast Day?"

I watch Ezekiel gnaw on my finger for a while. I hate the thought of missing any of his first Feast Day. "How long?" I ask softly.

"Just long enough to put this in your computer." She hands me the smallest drive I've ever seen.

I draw my hand away from Ezekiel. I don't want it to accidently fall from my hand where he could get to it. I turn it over a couple of times in the palm of my hand, marveling at the size. It's just long enough to fit into the drive slot and while it won't be flush with the computer, it won't be far off. "What does it do?" I ask curiously.

"It will actually give me limited access to your computer without you having to be there or anyone having to be logged in."

I flip it over with my nail. " _This_ will let you do that?"

Natalie gives a small chuckle. "It's supposed to. If it doesn't, I'll need to meet up with someone in Amity before the week is up to get what I need, but hopefully it will work the way it is designed to."

My eyes shift from the small piece of plastic and metal, to the small baby that doing this will take me away from. Eli's not going to be happy, but… "What time do you need me to do it?"

* * *

"You know," Taylor holds Ezekiel while trying to stir a bowl of pumpkin pie filling, "you don't make it very easy to cook."

I smile at Taylor and her grandson. He may not ever get to know my parents, but he will know grandparents that love him. "There are other people who can hold him!" Leeann calls out to her aunt from where she is dusting the family room furniture. "And they don't have nearly as important of a job as making the pumpkin pies."

Eli smiles and catches my eye as he shakes his head at Leeann. I know we both are thinking about the change in her. As usual, she's gone from one extreme to the other. Once she decided to accept Ezekiel, she's been as bad as the rest of the family, wanting to get her hands on him and spoil him. "You know," I say as off-handedly as I can manage, "he _does_ have a bassinet here, and he _can_ take a nap in it." Eli had been serious when he said our baby wasn't sleeping on the floor when we were at my parents. He bought a bassinet for his parents' apartment the same day he bought one for ours.

"Not going to happen today, Hana." Abram leans in and steals Ezekiel from Taylor.

"Bring him back!" Taylor turns on her husband.

"Nothing doing." Abram calmly walks away. "My rolls are in the oven. You can have him back when they get pulled out and your pies get put in."

* * *

I check the crowded room, trying to figure out who has Ezekiel. Nick. He's sound asleep. I glance at my watch. He ate thirty minutes ago. I should have plenty of time to run to the control room, put the tiny drive in place for Natalie, and get back here before anyone misses me. Because if I've learned one thing about being a new mom , it's that no one even remembers I am around, unless the baby is hungry or needs a diaper change.

I start to make my way to the door. Eli maneuvers himself so I have to pass him to get to the door. No one remembers I am here, except the father. "Where are you going?" He pulls me into an embrace and whispers his question in a demanding tone. He knows where I'm going.

I kiss him by the ear and remind him, "I'm going to the control room now. I should be back in less than thirty minutes."

"I don't like this," Eli reminds me with a hiss in my ear.

"I won't be long." I promise him. "I should be back before he wakes up. Don't worry."

Eli holds me close, but angles his face so he can look into my eyes. "Hana, I will _always_ worry about you, but I'll worry even more about you, when you are doing something with Natalie"

* * *

When I take a look around the control room, it's a skeleton crew: only Sultana, Conner, and Dan man the equipment. "What are you doing here?" Sultana quizzes me.

I smile. "I thought I'd stop by and say 'Happy Feast Day' to everyone." I stand by my computer, wishing Conner wasn't one of the people working today. With how closer our computers are to each other and the angles they are at, he's the person most likely to notice what I'm doing.

"How'd you get away from Zeke?" Conner asks.

I laugh at him and run a hand along my computer. "I'm just the mom. Once I get him there, _no one_ pays attention to me until he's hungry or needs his diaper changed. He just ate, and it won't kill Eli to change a diaper."

"Conner, just wait until you're a dad," Dan calls out from his terminal.

Conner looks over at Dan, and I use that moment to slip the drive Natalie gave me in place. "What do you mean by that?"

Dan laughs. "Fathers are even more invisible than mothers. As long as you get them there, no one really cares about you."

"So speaks the voice of experience," I pronounce with a smile to Dan.

"Oh, we aren't all that bad," Sultana protests with a wave of her hand. "After all, the first time they brought Amar over, Jazz had only been asleep for an hour, according to Rais, before I realized it."

* * *

Eli looks me over when I rejoin the family and friends at Taylor's and Abam's apartment, like he expects me to be injured. I smile and walk over to him. "Ezekiel?"

"Slept the whole time you were gone."

I look over at Nick, whose arms are now empty. "Who stole him from Nick?" I try to stay calm as my eyes sweep the room, looking for my baby.

"If you stayed here where you belong, you'd know where our son is." Eli's voice is bitter.

I locate him in Kelly's arms, with Levi poised at her shoulder, smiling at the sight she makes with a baby in her arms, right as Eli says that. I try to hide the relief I feel just knowing where he is. "I wasn't gone that long, and you were here with him. He's perfectly safe, and I am perfectly safe." I try to reassure Eli.

"I still don't like this."


	18. Chapter 18 - Tiny Risks

**Happy Risk Day! This didn't work out intentionally, but... it did work out this way. I've always kind of pictured Dauntless doing their Risk at night and Abnegation doing their Resolutions the next morning... however it works for you, whether it is December 31 or January 1 I hope it is the start of a New Year full of Blessings.**

 **Last year I made my resolution and took (what to me was) a huge risk to write and publish Dauntless Grey, well, I kind of succeeded at that. (I really thought it would only be one book...)**

 **To EVERYONE OF YOU who showed me it was worth it to take this Risk and have followed/favorited/reviewed/read Dauntless Gray and/or The Blackest Shade of Gray THANK YOU!**

 **Thank you to everyone who has ever left a reveiw. Seeing what you think means the world to me, and some of you have even changed the story slightly by your comments. Keep it up! You make the story better!**

 **And thank you, as always to Bahrfamily for her superb job in Betaing this story. Holidays are over. You got a well deserived break... back to work!**

 **18 Tiny Risks**

"So, what are we doing for Risk Day this year?" Leeann asks expectantly as she looks around the table.

Eli, Abilyn, Ben, Angie, Rob and I look at each other in disbelief and then stare at her. Abilyn is the first to speak. "My Risk this year is having this baby on Risk Day." Her voice is weary. She's not actually due for another two weeks, until two days after Risk Day, but she's reached that point everyone does eventually. She's _done_ with being pregnant.

Angie yawns and speaks up for herself and Rob. "Our Risk is trying to sleep through the night. Ashley's getting close, but not quite there yet."

"We're doing our Risk with Mom and Dad." I look at Eli, surprised at this piece of information. "Mom said they want to Risk having Zeke by themselves for a few hours. So, Hana and I are going to Risk having some time together without him."

I smile. That's the best Risk I think I've heard since I found out about Risk Day when I came to Dauntless.

"Then you're free," Leeann says, undeterred. "You and Hana can join us for at least a few hours."

Rais speaks up before Eli can open his mouth. "Leeann, let them have the time to themselves. It's not something new parents get a lot of." He smiles and gives Eli an exaggerated wink.

Leeann sits back in her chair, folds her arms, and looks glumly around the table. "All of you new parents sure know how to ruin a perfectly good holiday."

* * *

"So when do you think Leeann is going to forgive us for not doing Risk Day with them?" I ask Eli as we get ready for bed.

Eli grins at me. "It won't take her long. Tomorrow at the latest."

"How can you be so sure?" I ask, crawling into bed. It's been a long day; Ezekiel fussed through one of his naps, so I missed mine.

"Because if she doesn't forgive us," Eli climbs into bed and pulls me close, "we just won't let her hold Zeke."

A small laugh escapes at that statement. The change in Leeann from before Ezekiel was born until now is nothing short of incredible. Who knew a pair of eyes could be so powerful? Tilting my head so I can look into his father's eyes, it dawns on me: I know. I lift my lips to the kiss I know is coming. It grows quickly, leaving no doubt in either of our minds of what we've both been missing. Eli's hand cups my face and the other one traces down to my neck. Shivers of anticipation and desire run through my body.

And then… the crying starts, loud wails that can't be ignored by either of us. Eli's body pulls away from mine as he flops back down on his pillow. "What is it with that kid? How does he always know?" There's an undertone of frustration in the otherwise joking voice.

I kiss Eli's cheek before jumping to my feet and grabbing my robe. "He's been extra fussy today. Your mom and Jazz both say I probably ate something that didn't agree with his tummy yesterday."

"You need to figure out what it was, and never, _ever_ eat it again!" Eli calls from the bed as I reach the door.

* * *

"We've missed you at breakfast lately," I tell Jazz when she and Amar sit down for lunch.

Jazz smiles a soft, almost secretive smile. "We're working on Amar learning to dress himself." She looks tenderly at Amar. "I'm more relaxed and willing to let him do it when we aren't in a hurry to head here for breakfast. Rais fixes breakfast, and I keep Amar on task. I don't worry about having to make it here on time, and the mornings just go smoother."

I glance at Abilyn; there's a part of me that feels like Jazz isn't telling us everything. I want to know if Abilyn has the same feeling about it, since she is the person most likely to have noticed, but she's too busy pushing food around her plate to notice. "How bad was it?" Abilyn suddenly looks up from the mess she's made.

"It's not much fun, but he's getting better. He managed to get his shirt facing the right direction without any help today," Jazz answers brightly.

"No," Abilyn shakes her head, looking from me to Jazz, "I mean, having the baby, how bad is labor? Is it terrible? Is that why you don't want another child?"

Jazz laughs her sunshine and rainbows laugh. "Who says I don't want a second child? I just want Amar to be old enough that I'm not dealing with two little ones at one time."

Abilyn looks a little better after Jazz's admission. It doesn't take me long to reassure her myself. "It hurts. I won't lie about that, but," I look down at Ezekiel and kiss his soft head, "it is _so_ worth it."

Abilyn takes a deep breath. "I think it would be better if it was just over. I've been thinking about it ever since Ashley was born. Letting it build in my mind. Having you and Angie pregnant at the same time has been good and bad. It's been good because I have some idea of what to expect, I just wish I had been a little closer to the two of you in due dates. I've just let my imagination run away with the idea." Abilyn squares her shoulders and scoops up a bite on her fork. "I hope," she mutters softly.

* * *

"Hi!" I'm pleasantly surprised to find Kelly standing at my door.

"Come in. What are you doing here?" I ask as I close the door behind her.

"I came to see you and Zeke."

I shake my head at 'Zeke' as I close the door behind her. I've given up on correcting everyone, but it still bothers me, just a little, that no one else will actually call him by his given name. "You picked a good time. He's awake right now."

Kelly plops down on the floor next to him. He makes a big show of lifting his head up off the floor to see who is there. When he sees Kelly, he rewards her with one of his already famous toothless grins. "Flirting already?" Kelly smiles back at him. "Oh, you're going to be a little charmer, aren't you?"

I laugh and join her on the floor. "To every female, except Ashley."

"Oh?"

"Every time we've gotten them together, he completely ignores her."

"Is their romance going south already?" Kelly asks mischievously.

"Eli and I think so, but Angie swears he's just playing hard to get." I laugh at that idea.

Kelly joins me and then grows quiet. "Has Leeann forgiven you for bailing on Risk Day yet?" She draws her knees up in her arms and rests her chin on them.

"Only because Eli told her if she was going to be upset and try to make us feel guilty about it, she was losing her 'Zeke Privileges' until after Risk Day."

"That doesn't help me," Kelly says glumly.

"What's up?"

"I made other plans for Risk Day, and she's upset with me."

I look at Kelly for a moment, and then it dawns on me what her plans probably are. "Let me guess, you're doing something with Levi."

Kelly nods. "Not just something with _Levi;_ his daughter will be there, too."

"Are you guys getting that serious?" I haven't had a chance to speak with Kelly alone in a while, so I haven't gotten an update on them for a week or two.

"Carly's having a Risk party. It's mainly families with kids Gus's age and older. You know, just old enough to start participating in controlled Risks. Levi thought it would be a good chance for Lauren and me to meet each other without her knowing why he wants her to meet me. If it goes well… then we move on."

I wait and when she doesn't say any more, I finally ask her gently, "And if it doesn't go well?"

At first, Kelly's silence answers my question, and then she finally responds in a soft voice, "I'm not thinking about that as a possibility."

* * *

"Remember Abilyn's comment that her Risk this year is having her baby on Risk day?" Bekah asks us with a smile as she sits down for dinner.

"She's in the infirmary?" Tori asks excitedly.

"She's been there half the day," Bekah confirms.

"Do you have a guess on how much longer?" Tori looks down at her plate like she's trying to decide if she has enough time to eat or not.

"We'll be finished eating," Bekah pauses and then finishes, "but probably not by much."

We all look at each other, and then all our forks head towards our mouths.

* * *

"She's beautiful." Tori looks up from the bundle in her arms at Abilyn.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," she admits with a contented smile. She looks over at me and winks. "Although, if I'm honest about it, I had the pain medication."

Eli gives me a sideways glance as if to convey his feelings that I should have done that, too. I shrug. It's too late to change it, and I'm not sure I would even if I had the chance. I'm still not convinced it doesn't do anything to the baby. "So, when do we get to hear her name?" I ask, hoping to distract Eli from making a comment about that.

"As soon as Ashley gets here," Ben says with a laugh. "We decided her playmates should get to meet her first."

"Really?" Tori sounds a little put out. "Ashley and Zeke rank above the rest of us?"

Abilyn only grins in response.

Tori shakes her head. "Well, at least I got to hold you before Ashley or Zeke did," she mutters as she rubs noses with the baby.

"Where is she?" Angie passes Ashely off to Rob as soon as they get in the room.

"I've already got her," Tori answers possessively.

"Angie, Hana, grab your babies and come over here. Tori, give me my baby back."

I take Ezekiel away from Leeann, who gives me a sour look. Tori is only slightly more willing to give up Abilyn's baby.

I automatically hold Ezekiel so he can see the new baby and Angie does the same.

Abilyn holds her baby proudly. "Ashley, Zeke, I want to introduce you to your newest friend, Shauna."

* * *

"What do you mean I'm not going with you?" I look incredulously at Eli.

Eli calmly takes Ezekiel away from me and shoulders the bag of baby things I put together for his time away from home. "Mom said it's going to be hard enough for me to leave him, and almost impossible for you to leave him."

"But..." I can't believe he's going to take my baby away from me just like that.

"No, 'buts', Hana. If our Risk is to leave him with Mom and Dad for a couple of hours, then we can't spend an hour at their place trying to leave him there."

"Eli, I don't know..." I'm suddenly second-guessing this whole idea.

Ezekiel is already asleep, snuggled in close to Eli. "Mom's going to call and then bring him back when he needs to eat." Eli bends down and kisses me. "I don't want to waste the time we have alone arguing about it. I'll be back as quickly as I can. Why don't you take a bubble bath or something, to keep your mind off of him until I can come back and…" Eli grins, "distract you."

I reluctantly lean in and kiss Ezekiel's forehead. "Be a good boy for Grandma and Grandpa."

* * *

In spite of Eli's best intentions for me to relax, I'm actually out of the tub and dressed by the time he gets back. I kept thinking I heard Ezekiel fussing and gave up and got out. I have on a long silky black nightgown that hasn't been pulled out since well before Ezekiel was born. I know I'll have to change into something else before Taylor brings Ezekiel back, but... Eli always liked this nightgown, and it doesn't show the extra weight I still have, unlike the first one I tried on.

I hear the door opening and try to steady my nerves as I make my way back to the family room. There's only one reason I can come up with that explains why I'm so nervous to see my husband. I'm afraid he's going to finally notice the way my body has changed since I had Ezekiel, and he's not going to like it.

"You look amazing," Eli says softly when he first sees me. He walks up to me and gently strokes my cheek. "Really, you do." I guess some of my self-doubt must show on my face.

"How is he?" I ask, trying to distract Eli from feeling like he needs to lie to me.

Eli shakes his head. "He's fine. Mom is over the moon and I don't think Dad is too far behind her. They are both looking forward to their time with him."

"Are you sure they can handle him?" I ask nervously. While Eli was gone, a hundred possibilities of reasons Ezekiel would need me wreaked havoc in my head.

Eli presses his lips together to try to keep from laughing at me. "Hana, they raised Tami and me from infants and Nick and Leeann for a good part of their childhood. I think they can handle Zeke just fine. Relax."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, willing myself to relax. I feel Eli's hands on my bare skin, pulling me in towards his chest. His strong arms hold me in place. "Now, Hana, there is no more talking about, or thinking about Zeke until they bring him back. The rest of this time is about us." He kisses first one cheek, then the other, my forehead, my nose, a small groan escapes my lips when his find my neck, and then our lips touch. I start to pull back, sure I've heard a baby cry. Mentally I laugh at myself for this reaction. Evidently Ezekiel has stopped us at this point so often that I'm programed to pull away from my husband, but I remind myself that he's not really here at the moment. I can't be hearing him. I let my arms wrap around Eli's waist and bring him closer to me. His lips pull away from mine just a fraction of an inch. "I don't want to waste any of this time."

And we don't.

 **So, I promised to explain to you the real reason Abilyn ended up being Shauna's mom. Because honestly, when the decision was made, I was thinking of her as Shauna's mom, not Lynn's mom. The "lyn" in Abilyn had nothing to do with it.**

 **From Insurgent Chapter Fourteen**

 _ **"She is not my friend," snaps Lynn. I almost laugh. "Hec, this is Tris. Tris, this is my little brother, Hector."**_

 _ **At the sound of my name, his head jerks up, and he stares at me, open mouthed.**_

 _ **"Nice to meet you," I say.**_

 ** _"Your Divergent," he says. "My mom said to stay away from you because you might be dangerous."_**

 **And again from Insurgent Chapter Twenty-Seven**

 _ **"But if you're wondering why they're all the way over there... Shauna found out I'm Divergent," says Uriah sluggishly. "And she doesn't want to catch it."**_

 _ **"Oh."**_

 _ **"She got all weird with me, too." says Zeke, sighing. "'How do you know your brother isn't working against us? Have you been watching him?' What I wouldn't give to punch whoever poisoned her mind."**_

 _ **"You don't have to give anything." says Uriah. "Her mother's sitting right there. Go ahead and hit her."**_

 _ **I follow his gaze to a middle-aged woman with blue streaks in her hair and earrings all the way down her earlobe. She is pretty, just like Lynn.**_

 **Her reaction just sounded like the reaction of a former Candor, so I decided to have a Candor Transfer from Hana's class be Shauna's mom.**

 **So when it comes to names, I've gotten them a variety of ways. Of course, the first set comes from the Divergent series itself (Hana, Natalie, Tori, Jeanine, Norton, Bud, Harrison, Max, Amar, etc.). Many of the names in this story I just, "came up with" (Rob and Rais). Some characters named themselves and even when I tried to change their name, it didn't work (Chaz and Jude). Some minor characters are named after real people (Vi and Kat) and many of the more "main" characters also got their names from real people, (Carly, Angie, Bekah, Leeann, Abilyn, Eli to name a few). When I was picking names of people from real people, Abilyn just worked for that character. That's all it was. If I had thought it through and realized the whole "Abilyn- Lynn" issue, I probably would have moved some names around and the Candor transfer would have had a different name.**

 **But the female Candor transfer was ALWAYS intended to be Shauna's mom, no matter what her name was**.


	19. Chapter 19 - Suspicions

**I'm glad so many of you enjoyed finding out the real reason Abilyn ends up being Shauna's mom. Your comments about meeting Shauna made me smile. I'm looking forward to showing all of you her and Zeke and Ash(ley) as they grow up. There maybe just a little more to the fight that Four helped Shauna get ready for then was hinted at in Four: A Divergent Collection at least in my mind.**

 **Although I have to admit Dianesnyder asking about Uriah definitely wins for the comment I enjoyed the most.**

 **Of course this chapter wouldn't be here without Bahrfamily. Who once again saves you from all the technical issues in my writing! Thank you!**

 **Chapter 19 Suspicions**

It's just over a month after Risk Day, when Jazz sits down glumly to breakfast after talking briefly to Harrison. "Well, it looks like my suspicion was correct," she announces.

"Your suspicion about what?" Kelly asks, confused.

"I told Rais during training last year that I thought Harrison was getting ready to step down. He just stopped me to let me know that this year will be his last year to train and that the trainer candidates will be joining us so they can decide who will be the best one to replace him."

"Won't that make you head trainer?" Chaz checks.

"It will," Jazz confirms, "but Harrison and I work well together. I'm a little worried about who they'll pick to replace him."

* * *

Somehow, Jazz and I end up being the last two people at breakfast. "What's wrong?" she asks suspiciously.

"What makes you think something is wrong?" I try to put a chipperness I don't feel into my voice.

"You look happy except for your eyes," she observes softly.

"I am happy. I have Eli, I have Ezekiel. Life is good." I kiss Ezekiel's tiny forehead. I'm scheduled to go back to work next month. I think about using that as an excuse if she pushes me on it.

"But you miss your family, and when you think of all the things they are missing about Zeke, it makes you sad," Jazz says, reading my mind.

I'm quiet for a moment and then decide I might as well admit it. "I haven't even mentioned that to Eli. How do you…" Then I remember she came from Amity. "It happened to you, too?"

"Hana, it happens to practically every transfer. We know we are where we belong. We wouldn't give up our new families," Jazz leans in close to me and whispers, "but it's normal to miss your family in your original faction. And don't let anyone convince you that feeling that way makes you a faction traitor. Feeling like that makes you normal."

"Thank you." I smile and take a look at Amar. His clothes are put on correctly, although I can't see if his shoes made it on the correct feet this morning. "Amar must be getting pretty good at dressing himself."

Jazz looks puzzled. "What makes you say that?"

"His clothes are on right, and you guys are coming to breakfast again."

"Oh, yeah." Jazz shrugs and looks over at Amar. Her voice is soft and melancholy when she speaks. "We actually gave up on that. We'll try it again later. Warning about boys: they like to run around naked."

* * *

"Does that boy do anything but eat?" Eli asks me innocently one night the next week.

Neither of us is prepared for my reaction. "He eats and he sleeps. He's only four months old, Eli, what do you want him to do, throw knives?" My eyes grow wide, unable to believe I just snapped at Eli like that. "I'm sorry." My voice is a whisper. "I'm so sorry."

Eli stands up and wraps his arms as best he can around a nursing baby and me. "What's wrong?"

"All of a sudden, it _does_ feel like that's all he does. He did used to interact more, play more, but lately he just seems to be hungry. I feel like all I do is feed him. I'm getting worried that he's not eating enough," I finally admit to both Eli and myself.

Eli sits back on his heels. "Go to the infirmary, tomorrow. Get it checked out." He touches my cheek gently. "Promise me."

I feel tears forming in my eyes. I'm a failure; I can't even take care of my baby by feeding him. I don't want to admit that to anyone, but I have to make sure he's okay more than worry about that. "Okay."

* * *

"Hana! Wait up!" The voice I hear yelling at me as I walk from our apartment to the infirmary is not one I expect, nor one I welcome. I want to pretend I didn't hear him, but I just can't make myself do that. I pause and wait for Zane to catch up. "I hear congratulations are in order."

I smile reflexively and look down on Ezekiel's sleeping head. "Thank you."

Zane looks at him for a moment then asks softly, "Can I hold him?"

"He's asleep right now," I answer. "I really don't want to take the chance of waking him." It's the truth, but I also know I really don't want Zane to hold Ezekiel if I can help it. There's just something about the connection between him and Jude that makes me leery about letting him near my son.

"Oh, I understand," he says softly, but he looks like he doesn't.

We stand there awkwardly for a moment. After Eli's accusation about me having an affair with Zane, I really don't want to stand here talking to him. "I need to get him to an appointment," I finally say, preparing to walk off.

"Is everything okay?" Zane looks worried.

I am _not_ about to tell him why we're headed to the infirmary. "They keep an eye on babies this young." It's the truth. It seems like I take him to the infirmary almost every month for a checkup. Bekah promises me they will eventually get further apart. When I walk off, he starts to follow me. Suddenly I see Eli ahead of us. I smile and wave at him.

He smiles back at me at first, but when he notices Zane, the smile dims.

"I'll see you later," Zane says and walks away.

"Do I ask why you were talking to _him_? Does _he_ work with..." Eli's voice trails off before he says Natalie's name and he looks around.

"Not that I know of." I pause. "He told me congratulations and wanted to hold Ezekiel, but...I don't like that idea so I told him I didn't want to wake him up."

"Why don't you like that idea?" Eli puts his arm around me as we continue walking.

It takes me a moment to find the words. "I think there are two reasons. I don't want you to think there's anything going on between us, and his connection to Jude bothers me."

Eli's arm tightens around me and he kisses the top of my head. "Two pretty valid reasons," I hear him mutter.

"So what are you doing here?" I finally think to ask. It should get the conversation back to safer ground.

Eli's quiet for a moment. "I found out when your appointment is and got off for it. I know you'll tell me what you find out, but... I just want to be there to see how you both are doing first hand."

He hasn't been to any of Ezekiel's appointments since he went back to work. He's suspicious that something is wrong, too.

* * *

"Well, that's what we'll do then," Eli says determinedly when Bekah finishes telling us that although Ezekiel is gaining weight, it is not as much as they would like for him, and what they want me to try doing.

"Thank you," I tell Bekah as she hugs Ezekiel close and then reluctantly hands him back to me.

I tuck him back into his carrier, and we head out of the infirmary and back to the Pit. "I have to go back to work." Eli leans in and kisses Ezekiel's head. "I'll see you both at home tonight."

I smile back. "I can't wait." I stand up on my tip toes for my kiss. As soon as our lips touch, Ezekiel starts to fuss.

"Son, you are going to _have_ to stop this bad habit of yours," Eli admonishes him with a laugh, and then starts to walk off. He doesn't get far before he suddenly turns around. "Oh, and stop by and see Mom if you can. She has a _fabulous_ recipe for oatmeal cookies. It's the _only_ way she ever got me to eat the stuff."

* * *

As soon as Eli gets home, he eyes the full glass on water in my hand. Drinking more water was first on the list of things Bekah gave me to do. "How many glasses have you had today?"

"Check the list by the sink. I was afraid I wouldn't remember so I've been tallying it every time I get a glass."

"And the oatmeal?"

"I had a bowl of oatmeal for lunch."

"And you've already talked to my mom." He sounds confident in his guess.

"How do you know?"

"Because I smell Mom's oatmeal raisin cookies." His head is tilted back as he sniffs the air dramatically.

"She gave me the recipe," I laugh, "just so I don't get tired of oatmeal cereal."

Eli grins. "Are you willing to share?"

I smile. "Only with you."

Eli grins and leans in and kisses me. A quick peck, but I quickly wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer so I can give him a longer kiss.

Neither of us is surprised when Ezekiel's crying starts. "I'll get him," Eli volunteers. "You get comfy."

I smile and sit down on the couch, tucking my feet under me. Eli delivers Ezekiel to me and sits down next to us. As I adjust Ezekiel, I ask Eli, "So, how was the rest of your day?"

* * *

"You _know_ I _don't_ eat green beans!" Leeann snarls when Angie accidentally passes her the green beans instead of the French Fries she had asked for.

Angie quickly pulls back the green beans and hands her the French fries. "What's wrong with you?" Angie asks.

Leeann takes a deep breath. "Sorry. It's been a stressful day at work. Erudite is trying to force the leaders to make a decision about the fear serums, and they're being pretty pushy. Norton sent Jeanine this time to try to convince them."

Bekah laughs ruefully. "And with Jeanine's superiority complex, that wasn't a pleasant conversation, was it?"

"Her latest plan is to convince the Dauntless Leaders that if they can't make a decision, _they_ should go through their fear simulations and see if it is really as bad as they think," Nick chimes in.

"That's right, but how do you know that?" Leeann's brow is furrowed in confusion.

Nick's cheery laugh rings. "I may be in requisitions, but I could hear Ava yelling all the way in my office."

* * *

"So," Natalie flops down on her old bed, causing Ezekiel to bounce just a little, "what's your big news about the Dauntless Fear simulations?"

"According to Leeann, it's a mess." I groan softly. "Kayla still can't make up her mind, so Jeanine suggested that if they are going to make all of Dauntless participate in them, the Leaders should do it first. Then, after they have experienced their own simulations, they will vote on if the rest of us will need to do it or not."

Ezekiel grabs on to the finger that Natalie holds out to him. "I hadn't heard about that, yet." Natalie thoughtfully twirls the bright pink lock of hair that is part of her disguise today between her fingers. Suddenly she sits up straight, startling Ezekiel as her finger escapes his grasp. "That could cause a problem, a big problem." She closes her eyes. "I'm pretty sure Ava's Divergent."

"Why would you think that?" I ask, curious about how she could draw that conclusion.

"She's one of the people who was given a false memory of me. Remember how I told you that when I first came to the city, they gave a few people something to mess with their memories? It made it so key people thought they remembered me being here my whole life. Ava's secretary had just died, so they decided to put me in as her daughter, and made Ava my foster-mother of sorts. Since I was supposedly fifteen, they gave me my own apartment." She waves her hand around the apartment we now occupy. "They gave Ava memories of me growing up. I thought everything was fine, until one day, out of the blue, Ava started telling me about how she remembered Sarah, her secretary, didn't have any kids. She didn't know how I came to be here, but she was glad I was here, no matter what had brought me here." Natalie is quiet.

"And that tells you she's Divergent?" I verify, because it tells me nothing.

Natalie nods. "We haven't talked much about the signs of being Divergent besides simulation awareness. Simulation awareness is the main one, probably the easiest one for us to track, but the ability to fight serums is a sign of a pretty strong Divergent. If I'm right, and Norton finds out, there is no way he is going to let her live. If he's willing to kill a nobody, like Lucas, what would he do with a Faction Leader who's Divergent?"

We're both quiet for a moment, soaking in Natalie's words. "I'll keep an eye on her," I promise, "but I'm not that close to her. How will we know?"

"We won't know until she does her test, and I could be wrong. It's just a suspicion." Natalie takes a deep breath. "I'll start working on a plan to get her out. Is there anything else I should know about?"

* * *

"Keep the babies away from me," Tori states as she sits down at the opposite end of the group from the babies a couple of nights later.

Abilyn looks at her, puzzled. Tori is usually the first or second one offering to hold one or another of the babies while we eat. "That's not like you. What's wrong?"

"Kelly is back at the apartment with the flu that's going around Dauntless." Tori shakes her head. "If I end up getting it, I don't want to accidentally give it to one of them."

Abilyn holds up Shauna so she hides her face then makes one of her tiny hands wave. "Thank you, Tori. I'll miss you and hope you don't get sick." Abilyn uses a fake baby voice.

"You're welcome, Shauna." Tori laughs. "It looks like the rest of your babies could learn some manners from Shauna."

* * *

Kelly is back to normal a couple of days later, but all she does is stop by our table to let us know that Tori now has the flu. Then she walks off and sits at Carly's table next to Levi, across from his daughter.

"Looks like things are going well for Kelly," Eli observes casually.

Nick's head pops up quickly. "What do you mean?" He looks around, trying to find her.

"I think she and Levi are officially dating."

We all turn just in time to see Levi lean over and kiss Kelly's cheek.

I quickly turn my attention to Nick to see his reaction. His look is thoughtful and then he gives a small smile. "Good."

* * *

"Did you catch Kelly's and Tori's flu?" Eli asks me as I walk out of the bathroom first thing in the morning the next week.

"I think so," I whisper miserably.

Eli picks me up like I weigh nothing and carries me back to our bed. I'm too worn out to stop him. "I'll take Zeke to Mom's, and then I'll be back to take care of you."

I shake my head. "Ezekiel stays here," I argue weakly.

"Hana, you don't want him to get sick." He lays me gently in bed and moves the trash can close to me.

"Remember, Bekah mentioned that if I get it, he'll get the antibodies from me and that will keep him from getting sick," I remind him.

Eli eyes me seriously. "Can you take care of him like this?"

"Well, if you're going to be here, and you're willing to help, I can," I respond with all the determination I can muster.

"Then I guess he's staying here. I'm not about to fight you on this." Eli kisses my forehead. "Are you sure you have their flu? You don't feel feverish."

"I sure feel like it," I answer and then quickly grab for the trash can.

* * *

 _ **My sources say they will test leadership, in age order, starting next month. Have you heard anything about it?**_

I sit down weakly on the stool and quickly type back my response to Natalie.

 _ **I haven't heard anything lately, but I haven't seen Leeann or Tori the last couple of days, and they are usually my sources about something like this.**_

I hate not knowing anything, but the flu has had me stuck at home for almost a week, so I haven't been able to find out anything. I send the message just as Eli knocks on the bathroom door. "Hana, you've been in there for a couple of minutes, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine," I assure him and put the tablet away, but as I do so, I feel my stomach roll again. I swallow determinedly. The flu didn't hang on for anyone else as long as it has for me. I'm going to make it to at least _one_ meal today.

* * *

"She _is_ still alive!" Chaz smiles at me when we run into them on the way to the cafeteria for dinner.

"Be nice." Leeann whacks him on the shoulder. "I guess this means you're feeling better..."

"Much," I lie. I do feel better, but much is a gross overstatement.

"Good! We've missed having you around." She turns to Eli and starts taking Ezekiel out of his carrier.

I laugh. "You haven't missed having me around nearly as much as you've missed having my son around."

Leeann laughs, but doesn't deny it. We're almost to the cafeteria when the smell hits me. The first breath makes me hungry, the second makes my stomach turn, and with the third, I head to the closest set of bathrooms. There isn't much in my stomach, but what little there is in there is quickly gone.

Eli is waiting for me when I exit the restroom. "You aren't any better," he states bluntly.

"I felt like I was, then I smelled the food, and…" There's no need to finish the sentence.

"Come on." Eli puts an arm around my waist.

"Where are we going? Where's Ezekiel?"

"Leeann has Zeke. You and I are headed to the infirmary."

* * *

Rodney walks back from consulting with the Erudite doctor with a funny smile on his face. "The doctor says he has a suspicion as to what it may be if it's not the flu." He hands me a specimen cup. "Go to the bathroom; I'll need a urine sample to run the test the doctor wants.

Eli and I stare at each other nervously as we wait for Rodney to come back. He said it would only take a few minutes to run the test, but it's been almost twenty, and I think Eli's about to go hunt him down. I sit on the edge of the examining table, almost ready to send him.

There's a quick knock on the door, and then Rodney opens it up. "Sorry, the test came back pretty quickly; it was the consultation with the doctor that took longer. It looks like his suspicion is correct."

"Is Hana going to be okay?"

Rodney looks to be one step away from laughing at us. "Hana's fine, and she'll feel better in about a month."

"A month?" Eli repeats back, puzzled. "What does she have that's going to take a month?"

"Oh, it's going to take a little longer than a month, but she should be feeling better in about a month." Rodney does laugh this time.

"Would you tell me what's so funny?" I'm glad Rodney sees the humor in this, because frankly, I don't.

"You were never sick to your stomach with Zeke, were you?"

"No."

"That may be why you didn't recognize it for what it is."

I huff a breath out at Rodney, noticing that Eli is suddenly standing very, very still, almost like he's figured out what Rodney is saying and is in shock. "Didn't recognize _what_?"


	20. Chapter 20 - Expecting

**I have to admit I enjoyed ALL your reviews and predictions from the last chapter.**

 **To the Guest reviewer who asked if Eli would be leaving soon: Uriah will have memories of his father. So, we still have more time with him.**

 **Thank you as always to Bahrfamily who, once again, figured out something that was missing in this chapter. It's just a couple of sentences, but… she nailed it.**

 **Chapter 20 Expecting**

Eli sits down and pulls me onto his lap. "I wasn't expecting that." He wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek.

"I wasn't either. Ezekiel is so young…" My voice trails off; I am suddenly overwhelmed by the thought.

Eli cuddles me closer. "It will be okay." I wonder if he's reassuring himself or me. "You're going to need help with Ezekiel, though. More help than I can give you."

I take a deep breath. "What do you have in mind?"

"We're going to tell everyone. Tomorrow." Eli sounds determined

"No." That is the _last_ thing I want to do.

"Hana…"

"I just got Leeann back." I feel tears start to build in my eyes. "I don't want to lose her again. I can't handle her abandoning us again."

Eli holds me close and kisses the top of my head. "She won't react like that this time."

"How do you _know_?" I look up at him. "I expected her to be upset with us over Ezekiel, but not even I thought she would react as badly and as long as she did, and you didn't think she'd react badly at all. So how do you know she will react well this time?"

Eli holds my face in both hands and brushes away my tears with his thumbs. "Because I know."

I shake my head in disbelief. I just don't see how, after the way Leeann reacted last time, he can still think this way.

"Do you think you can eat anything?" Eli asks me to change the topic.

"I feel okay right now. I can try."

Eli stands me up and then after he stands up, gently sits me back down in the chair without him. "How do crackers sound? I'm pretty sure we have some here and that was one of the things they said would help settle your stomach."

"That would be fine." I curl up in the chair and wait for him to come back.

He's grabbing the crackers when there is a knock at the door. Eli opens it up on his way back to me, and Chaz and Leeann walk in. Ezekiel is in Leeann's arms. As soon as he sees Eli, he squeals with delight and leans in for his dad to take him. Eli shifts the crackers to his other hand and takes Ezekiel. "Hi, Buddy! Were you a good boy for Aunt Leeann and Uncle Chaz?"

Ezekiel pats Eli's face and smiles at his father.

"Of course he was good," Chaz responds with a chuckle. "He isn't mobile enough to get into trouble yet."

Leeann walks over to me and kneels by the chair. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." I bite my lip, hoping Eli and Leeann will leave it at that.

"What did they say?" Leeann demands as she turns to Eli. "What's wrong? Why can't she shake the flu?"

Eli chuckles. "She's going to be fine. She can't shake the flu, because she never _had_ the flu."

"She never had the flu? What does she have?" Chaz asks as he and Eli walk to us.

I mouth the word "no" to Eli, but he ignores me.

"We found out that we may have taken a bigger risk on Risk Day than we realized." Eli grins and puts Ezekiel on the floor so he can play on the ground.

I stare intently at Ezekiel as he pushes his head up off the ground with his arms. Anything to avoid looking at Leeann. The thought that I must have gotten pregnant on Risk Day had already occurred to me, but he didn't have to tell _them_ that. He didn't need to hint to them that I'm expecting at all.

The room is silent, and I finally glance over at Leeann to see her brow wrinkled. She is still, absolutely still, and I prepare myself for the yelling, for the accusations and temper tantrum that is sure to follow. Eli's wrong, again. Suddenly her eyebrows shoot up as she figures out what Eli is saying. "Hana!" she squeals and throws her arms around me. "That's wonderful!"

Her excitement doesn't register with me as I wait for her to start berating us for being thoughtless.

"What am I missing?" Chaz asks from his spot on the floor where he and Ezekiel take turns smiling at each other.

Leeann rolls her eyes at Chaz. "Isn't it obvious? Zeke's going to be big brother. This is going to be so much fun!" She squeals again. "I can help you go shopping. You'll need maternity clothes, and baby clothes, and furniture, and toys and…"

I stop her there. "Leeann." My voice is sharper than I mean for it to be, but the hurt that she wasn't there to do those things for Ezekiel is closer to the surface than even I realized. "We have _all_ of those things. We had to get all of those things _last year_ when I was pregnant with Ezekiel. I had to do all of that _without_ you."

Leeann looks at me, shell-shocked. Evidently it had never occurred to her that while she was busy not talking to us and throwing her tantrum, I had to move on and do all of those things alone.

"At least, I _tried_ to do it all without you. I couldn't even find the right store. Angie and Abilyn had to help me do all of that because you wouldn't. You were too busy being mad at me, too busy not talking to me." My voice is bitter. I pause, forcing myself to take a deep breath and to calm down. "I still have all of my clothes. We've been keeping all of the clothes as Ezekiel grows out of them. It's all done. I don't need your help this time."

Leeann looks from me to Eli to Chaz and back to me again. Both of their faces are set. If she tries to push either of them on this issue, they _won't_ be siding with her. "I guess you did have to do it all without me, didn't you?" Her voice is small.

I take a deep breath. Our talk when she first held Ezekiel, when she gave him his nickname, was short. I was too happy that she was speaking to me and too afraid to say something to change that, so I didn't tell her then what I needed to. This, I realize suddenly, may be my only chance. "I had to do it without you, Leeann, and that hurt. It hurt a lot. I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my first friend here in Dauntless, my best friend, and then suddenly you wouldn't even speak to me. You weren't there when I needed you…" Tears sting my eyes. I suddenly realize that it should have crossed my mind earlier that I was pregnant: I'm crying easily again. "You," I look around the room, taking in each of them in turn with my eyes, "are my family, my _only_ family. I left my other family behind. They _can't_ be here, and I _needed_ my family…" I stop talking. Nothing else will come out.

Leeann throws her arms around me in a fierce hug. "You won't have to do it without me again. I promise. No matter _what_ happens, I'll never abandon you like that again. I know I can't change it, but I'll make it up to you, I swear I will. I'll help you with Zeke or anything else that you don't feel up to right now. I'll be there for you this time, whatever you need. I promise."

* * *

 _ **Leeann just left. I have some news on testing leadership. Is there a time we can meet soon? When Eli is at work would be best, if you can manage it.**_

I hit send and am putting away the tablet when Eli knocks on the door. "Hana? Are you okay?"

I slide the tablet in its hiding place and grab my brush out of the drawer as I answer. "Come on in. I'm fine."

Eli opens the door and leans on the jam, his grin firmly in place. "I told you she'd be okay this time."

"You got lucky." I point my brush at him. "You said she would be fine last time, too, and you were wrong."

Eli shrugs and watches me brush my hair for a minute, then walks up and takes the brush from me and starts brushing my hair himself. "I want a little girl, this time."

"I meant what I said to Levi. I think you having a daughter is a very dangerous idea. I really think we are better off sticking with boys."

* * *

Eli looks over his shoulder as we stand in line to get our breakfast. "We'd better catch Nick soon," he says with a chuckle.

I follow his gaze to our table, where Leeann is practically bouncing in her seat. She promised not to breathe a word about the baby for twenty-four hours, but looking at her right now, someone is bound to ask her what she's so excited about. I don't really think it would take much pressing at all to get her to spill 'her' news. I smile and kiss the top of Ezekiel's head. It felt good last night to finally tell her how she made me feel when I was pregnant last with him. I am even happier she's not trying to avoid us like she did when we told her that I was pregnant the first time.

"It's a good thing we stopped by your parents last night." Taylor and Abram had been shocked at first, but it didn't take long for them to be just as excited as they were when we told them about Ezekiel.

"How are you doing this morning?" Eli asks, concerned.

"I had some crackers before I got out of bed. They're right; it does help."

Nick walks into the cafeteria just as we reach the food. Eli nods and grabs a chocolate chip muffin and hands it to me. "Keep hold of your muffin. I want you to eat that while we talk to my cousin."

We both step out of line and catch Nick just as he gets ready to enter the line. "You two didn't just give up getting your food to come hang out with me, did you? I'll see you in a couple of minutes at the table."

Eli puts a hand on Nick's shoulder and steers him away from the line. "We need to talk to you before we get to the table." He sounds very serious. "We have a problem."

"What's that?" Nick asks, suddenly concerned.

"Your sister _can't_ keep a secret, and we don't want you finding out from her, or anyone she might talk to, what the doctor told us last night." Eli lets a small smile slip.

Nick looks at me, worried. "Did they figure out why the flu is holding onto you so much longer than everyone else?"

I smile. "They figured out I never did catch the flu."

"What did you catch?" Nick turns to me.

"Nothing." Eli tries hard not to laugh at him. "What Hana has isn't contagious."

"What's wrong?" Nick is worried. Right now I want to hit Eli. I know he likes to play around with people, but after the mysterious illness Nick's mom had, making it sound like I have one probably isn't the nicest thing to do.

"Nothing is wrong," I assure Nick. "In fact, now that we're adjusting to the news, everything is great."

"What news?"

Eli uses the same phrase to tell Nick that Leeann used to tell Chaz. "Zeke is going to be a big brother."

* * *

I'm hardly through the door to Natalie's old apartment when I feel her start to grab Ezekiel out of his carrier. "Hi, Zeke!" She's rewarded with a big grin.

I smile, unable to hide the laughter I know is in my voice. "You too? No one cares if I'm around as long as Ezekiel is here."

"Hi, Hana. Of course I care that you are here." Natalie's laugh sparkles. "Who else would bring him to see me?"

"Not Eli, that's for sure," I tell her as we wander back to her bed so we can lay Ezekiel down on it while we talk.

"Really? Eli always liked me." Natalie sounds surprised.

"He may have liked you in Dauntless, but it turns out he's not too happy that I'm helping you." I sit on the bed near where she sets Ezekiel down. "He's afraid something will happen to me."

Natalie sits down on Ezekiel's other side. She doesn't laugh like I thought she would. "He's right, you know. You could get hurt, helping me."

"And more people could get hurt if I don't," I tell her firmly. She's not about to tell me that I should stop. "Like Ava."

Natalie's worried eyes meet mine. "What did they decide?"

"They are going to have the Dauntless leaders do the new fear serums and then vote whether the rest of Dauntless should do them within a week."

"When do they take the test?" Natalie's eyes don't waver from mine.

"The week after next."

"We need to be ready to move, if any of them are Divergent."

* * *

Eli is determined that we are going to tell our friends tonight that we're going to be parents again. Unless I plan to miss the announcement, I'll be sitting at the table, trying to eat tonight. Not that anything on the table looks good, at least not to me.

"What do you want?" Eli asks me looking at my empty plate.

My stomach rolls. "Nothing."

"Hana…"

"A piece of bread?" It the best thing I can come up with.

Eli puts a piece of bread on my plate. "Start with that, but you need to eat more than just a slice of bread."

"Are you still having problems from the flu? You should really come by the infirmary and get that checked out." Bekah looks worried.

"Some people will do anything to keep from coming back to work," Conner teases. At least I think he's teasing. I was supposed to be back to work last week, but since we thought I had the flu they gave me an extra week.

Leeann opens her mouth and then closes it, looking hard at Eli. I'd say we have about two minutes left before Leeann explodes and my pregnancy news comes tumbling out of her.

"She's already been to the infirmary. Just wait until you hear her real plan to avoid work," Nick teases, then presses his lips together in an attempt to hide that famous Pedrad grin.

"What's the real plan?" Conner asks curiously.

"Hana's pregnant," Eli announces calmly.

The group is silent, trying to decide if Eli is serious or not. "Good one, Eli," Rob says with a hint of laughter. "I almost believed you there for a minute."

"You'll be apologizing in September when we have two kids," Eli replies casually.

"Probably more like October," I correct him, thinking about how late Ezekiel was.

For a moment, the whole table is too shocked to say anything, and then suddenly everyone explodes in comments. I can pick out what is said, but not always who said it.

"Again?"

"You two do know what causes that, don't you?"

"But Hana's from Abnegation!"

"How on earth will you catch a train with two babies?"

"You're joking."

"You two don't waste any time."

Finally there's another moment of silence.

"You're serious!" Tori breaks the moment, looking from me to Eli and back again.

"Yes, they're serious!" Leeann adds in with a grin. I can see the relief on her face that she can talk about it.

"How?" Abilyn interjects. "I mean, anytime I even think about kissing Ben, Shauna…" Her voice trails off as she realizes she knows the answer. "Your parents watched him on Risk Day."

Ben laughs. "My parents are not watching Shauna for at least a year."

* * *

"Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" Eli asks me as I get ready to head back to work for the first time since Ezekiel was born.

"I'll be fine. I've learned what to do to help the nausea." I pull a bag of snacks out of my bag, and besides, I think to myself, I have to be back to work before the fear simulations start on the members of leadership next week. I need to be in position in case Natalie is right and we have to get Ava, or anyone else, out.

"Good girl." Eli leans over and kisses my cheek. "Sultana should be there about half way through your shift, and…"

"And she knows about this baby and she already said if I get bad, she'll let me go home. Quit worrying. I know what to do." I lift myself up on tip-toes and kiss Eli's jaw. "I'm actually more worried about you."

"Why are you worried about me?" Eli asks, puzzled.

"Eli, you haven't exactly been in charge of everything with Ezekiel before this." My shift is afternoon/evenings right now. Which is good in a way, because Eli will be able to watch Ezekiel. "There are bottles to make and diapers to change. It's not going to just be fun and games like you are used to."

Eli puts a hand to his heart. "I'm wounded. You don't think I can handle our son by myself?"

"I know you can." I pick up Ezekiel from the floor where he is trying to figure out how to crawl, and give him a good-bye hug and kiss. "I'm just a little worried about not being here."

* * *

"We were starting to take it personally, you know." Sue's voice is dry and humorless when I walk into control room and start to set up my desk.

"Bad timing on getting sick." I shrug.

Dan's laugh unexpectedly rings out. "You've already been busted, Hana. We know you weren't sick."

Connor clears his throat from where he is closing down his computer for the day. "Sorry, Hana, didn't know I wasn't supposed to tell."

I take a deep breath and force myself to smile. "It's okay. We didn't tell you to keep it a secret, and it's not like we'll be able to keep it a secret for too long, anyway!"


	21. Chapter 21 - Ava

**Believe it or not, this chapter and the last chapter actually started out life as one chapter… it just got to be WAY too long! So, here is part 2 of the previous chapter.**

 **Of course, I need to be sure to thank Bahrfamily for her help in editing this chapter too. _And_ for the fact that she's NOT going to kill me when she rereads this chapter and discovers I made several wording changes when I looked over it before publishing it. And I know she's not going to kill me because right now I have her at a part in the story where SHE wants to know what is going to happen next! ;-)  
**

 **Nate, Jerri, and Kayla- the rest of the leaders of Dauntless**

 **Chapter 21 Ava**

"She adjusted your schedule, didn't she?" Eli's voice is soft and accusing.

"Who?" I hope he's talking about Sultana. I'm afraid he knows the truth.

"Natalie. She changed your schedule so you aren't headed to overnights next week. Why?"

I take a deep breath, prepared to deny it, or to lie, but in the end I can't make myself do either. The problem is, I can't tell him the whole truth, either. "She wants me to keep an eye on the leadership's fear simulations."

"You're going to see Ava's, Nate's, Jerri's, Kayla's, and Max's fears?" Eli sounds outraged.

"No," I reassure him quickly. I don't tell him that's what _Natalie_ will be doing. "I'm going to be watching the reactions of everyone else in the room."

"Why?"

How do I explain this to him without giving away the Divergent? "Because we need to see how the Erudite respond to what they see."

"Why?"

"Because Natalie needs to be prepared for what they might do."

"Why?"

It dawns on me at this moment that I'm married to a three year old. He'll keep asking 'why' until the end of time. "Eli, I can't tell you everything. Just trust me, it's important."

"You make it sound like it's a matter of life and death," Eli tries to joke, but when he sees my reaction to his statement, he realizes he's stumbled upon something. "Hana, it's _not_ a matter of life and death, is it?" I hesitate, just a moment, before I open my mouth to answer him. It's just enough time for him to continue, "Hana, it's not _your_ life…?" I hear an edge of panic to his voice.

"It's not me. I'm safe and sound in the control room, remember?" I try to soothe his concerns.

"Hana, are you ever _not_ in the control room?" It's just dawned on him that maybe I'm not _always_ as safe as I would have him believe.

"I'm almost always in the control room," I assure him without lying.

"But sometimes you aren't."

I think of our field trip to Amity, of pulling Lucas out. "Sometimes I'm not," I admit, "but the fewer people who know -the fewer people who even have an idea- the safer I am. That's part of why I can't tell you more."

"You think I would put you in danger?" Eli's voice is somewhere between hurt and angry.

"I _know_ you would _never_ _intentionally_ put me in danger, but slip-ups happen, and if you don't know, you can't slip up."

Eli glares at me for a moment. His voice is hard. "I would _never…_ "

"I know you would never do anything on purpose. I'm not questioning that." My voice is intentionally soft, but just as hard as his is. "But _I've_ almost slipped up before. _Accidents_ happen."

* * *

They start with Max, the youngest of the Dauntless leaders. I quickly realize that every other camera angle I get is from the testing room. I had never realized there were three cameras in that room before. Norton and Jeanine are the only ones in there, administering the test. "Is everything ready?" Norton's voice is weaker than I've heard it in the past.

The screen flashes away from the testing room, but I realize I can hear Jeanine's affirmative answer even though I can't see that room anymore. Natalie must have done something for that to happen, too, because I should be hearing what I'm seeing. "Okay, Max, let's see what Dauntless leaders are afraid of."

I glance at the time on the computer, wondering how long it will take Max to pass through the fear that is being dredged up by his subconscious. I hear Max moan and even scream at one point in time. I see him briefly a couple of times during his test. He lies on the chair, twisting and turning. Twelve minutes later, I see Jeanine disconnecting Max from the machine. "Well?" she asks him with a touch of curiosity in her voice.

Max clears his throat as the screen shows me the Chasm. "Not very enlightening. I always knew I had that particular fear."

"I'm sorry we weren't able to show you anything new. Send in Kayla." There is a hint of amused disinterest in Jeanine's voice as she dismisses him.

"Jeanine," Norton speaks in a low voice, like it has dawned on him that he might be overheard, "keep his fear in mind."

"Why? I've seen that fear in many forms before." Jeanine sounds bored. "Everyone seems to be afraid of what is beyond the fence."

"Yes, but that man is a leader in Dauntless. If we ever need to act to keep people from leaving, we can play upon his fear."

* * *

By lunch time, Ava is the only leader left. It doesn't surprise me when Miles sends me to lunch a little early so it coincides with the break for the testers. Jazz is already seated at the table when I get there. "So, are you adjusting to being back at work?" she asks as I sit down.

"I'm adjusting, but I miss my baby," I answer truthfully.

"I know. It's hard to go from being with them all the time to not being there."

"It is. And I don't know if it is better or worse that Eli was able to watch him last week. Today is actually his first day at daycare. I'm thinking about rushing through lunch so I can go check on him."

"Don't." Jazz's voice is firm. "It will be harder to leave and go back to work."

I sigh, knowing she's right, and today I can't afford to go back late. "You're right, but…"

"I know. It's hard to leave him." We're both quiet. "By the way, I didn't get a chance to say congratulations last night." Her voice is soft, and if I hadn't heard her say so many times that she didn't want a second child right now, I would say it is wistful.

"Thank you. It definitely caught us off guard," I admit softly.

* * *

I am back in place almost 10 minutes before Jeanine, Norton, and Ava walk into the testing room. "Have a seat, Ava." It's the nicest I've heard Norton sound today.

"Norton, why is this necessary?" Ava's voice is firm. "I still see no point in re-testing people who are already in Dauntless. Going forward, I see a use for having them face their own fears. It will help them learn how to handle them, but to make our current members, who are already living their lives and handling their fears, go through this process, is pointless."

"Are you afraid of what you might find?" Jeanine's voice is clinical, but demeaning at the same time.

"I am afraid of failure, lightening, spiders, dying, confinement, and kidnapping. What are you afraid of, Jeanine?" Ava's voice is challenging.

"It doesn't matter what _I'm_ afraid of." Jeanine dismisses Ava quickly with a wave of her hand. "I'm not part of Dauntless. It is illogical and immaterial to worry about what I am afraid of. My IQ, which _is_ relevant to my faction, is 171. Do you know what yours is?"

My screen shows me the Erudite library when Ava answers, but even without seeing her face, I can hear the smile in Ava's voice. "When I took the IQ test as a child, it was 151."

My heart finds its way to my throat. If I remember correctly from Faction History class, most people with an IQ over 130 end up in Erudite. Is this a sign that Natalie is right, and Ava is Divergent? The screen flashes back to the test. Jeanine looks shocked, Ava looks smug, and Norton looks… like he knows what he has.

Jeanine recovers quickly. "I would have thought you would have been in Erudite with an IQ that high."

Ava shrugs off the comment. "Too stifling. Not enough action."

"Let's see if you are right about your fears." Norton guides the conversation back to the test. He's practically rubbing his hands together with anticipation.

I glance at the clock as Ava goes under. It's 12:34 pm.

* * *

"You can't be through that quickly!" Jeanine is outraged.

I glance back at the clock on the computer: 12:39. Five minutes? I count the minutes on my fingers to make sure my math is right. Five minutes. The rest of the leaders took between ten and fifteen minutes. How did she get out so quickly?

The screen shows Ava sitting up. "It wasn't real. It's easy to conquer your fears when you can tell that is isn't real." She turns on Norton. "I thought you said it would seem real, that the person in the simulation would think that it is really happening. I'm no longer sure I even see a value to _anyone_ doing these tests if, like in the aptitude test and the current fear sims, you can tell that the situation isn't real."

My blood runs cold. Between her telling her IQ, how fast she got out of the simulation, and the comment Ava just made, I feel fairly certain about one thing... I'm about to find out exactly how Dauntless votes on a new leader when they believe the last one has died.

* * *

The message I find from Natalie that night is short, and simple. It doesn't give me any new information; rather, it only confirms what I know. _**Meet me tomorrow after work in my old room. We have plans to make.**_

I know without asking that the plans we need to make are how to "kill" Ava and get her out of Dauntless.

* * *

Eli offered to pick up Ezekiel today, since he thought he would be able to get off early. He wants some time to play with him. I agreed quickly. Not having Ezekiel around will keep Natalie and me from being distracted and help us to concentrate on the business at hand. Natalie is pacing and doesn't seem to even notice that Ezekiel is missing.

"I just can't figure out how to do it," she mutters softly. "No one would believe Ava doing something like the ropes course after dark, or Dare, or jumping into the Chasm, or off a roof top, or getting hit by a car, or…"

"Do you still have that knockout serum you used on Trina?"

Natalie stops pacing and looks at me. "Of course. Why?"

"What about memory serum? Well, I guess I have that if you don't," I add when I remember I have a couple of vials at home and one in my bag.

"I have it and can always get more if I need to. Again: why?"

"Then I think I have an idea of how to get Ava out of here."

"She wouldn't be involved in a fight, like Trina," Natalie protests. "That won't work."

"I understand that, but who says it has to be a fight?"

Natalie draws in her eyebrows, "What do you have in mind?"

* * *

"Is Ezekiel okay?" Leeann asks, concerned, when I walk into her office the next day on my way to pick him up after work.

"He's fine. I just thought you might want to come with me to pick him up. Are you about to leave?" I set down my bag on the floor by her desk and mentally cross my fingers that my idea is going to work.

"I can leave in about five minutes. I just need to take this in to Ava's office," Leeann holds out a folder, "and then file these." She points to another small pile of folders.

"Tell you what," I offer, realizing this could work out better than I thought, "if it would help you out, I could take the file to Ava's office and you could start on your filing."

Leeann hands me the file. "Leave it on her chair. Her desk is a bit… cluttered. If you leave it on her chair, she's sure to notice it."

"Okay." I barely keep from smiling as I walk into Ava's empty office. Leeann has just given me a better opening than I had dared to hope for. I quickly scan her desk as I walk in. Cluttered is a nice term for the haphazard piles of paperwork that seem to take up almost every part of it. Natalie told me that Ava always has a covered glass on her desk, the kind that you move a lever and drink out of it without removing the lid. All I need to do is locate it and put ten drops of the knockout serum on the lid. I find the glass on the left side of her desk, just where Natalie said it would be. I quickly pull out the dropper of the light tan liquid from my pocket and carefully count out each drop. They pool on the lid; Ava is going to notice that. I start to panic, and then I realize that the wet spot is getting smaller. The liquid must be evaporating.

I start to leave the room, only to realize, when I reach the door, that I'm still holding the folder. I turn back and put it on Ava's chair. As I head to the door, I can't believe it's gone so smoothly. I really thought I was going to have to leave my bag here, "realize" I'd forgotten it when we were about to pick up Ezekiel, and try to get Leeann to pick up Ezekiel so I could go back to the office by myself.

"Hana!" Ava stands in the doorway. My heart stops for a moment. "Leeann said you were putting a folder on my chair for her. Can you grab it and my drink? I've decided to look over the budget at home tonight instead of staying late."

I grab the folder and her drink, hoping the drops have evaporated by now and that she won't take a drink while I'm around. My hand trembles just a little as I reach out for it. A quick glance tells me the lid looks normal; there's no sign of the drops. That's one danger out of the way. Now, if only I can keep my hand still when I give it to her, and she waits until she gets home to take a drink.

"Thank you, Hana. How's your little boy doing?"

"He's growing fast," I say proudly. "It's hard to believe he's four month old already."

"I hear he's getting a sibling." Her voice holds a hint of laughter.

I blush. "A little quicker than maybe he should be, but yes, he is."

Ava tucks a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear. "Hana, don't let anyone give you too hard of a time about that. There is nothing wrong with more little Dauntless running around the compound. It's always good to see the future growing up before our eyes."

"I guess it is."

"Well, thank you for this." Ava holds up the file and the drink. "I need to be going. I'm supposed to meet my daughter and her family for dinner tonight."

"Have fun." My voice sounds off to me. I didn't know she'd be with her family tonight. The feeling of guilt I had when Lucas "died" begins to bloom. Either her family is not going to see her tonight like they thought, or she's going to "die" in front of them. I want to take her drink from her hand, but I can't. We don't know how long we have before Norton and Jeanine make their move. We have to make ours first, or her family really will experience her death, instead of just thinking they have.

Ava and I walk back to the reception area where Leeann is waiting. "Ready to pick up Zeke?" Leeann asks excitedly.

"Let's go!" I sound excited about leaving, and I am. I don't want to be too close when Ava takes that breath while she is drinking.

We're about to step into the elevator when I hear the distinctive thump of a body hitting the floor. Natalie and I had hoped I wouldn't be one of the witnesses; if I am nearby for too many "deaths", people may start to get suspicious.

"What was that?" Leeann asks.

"It sounds like something fell." I try to sound uninterested.

"I'd better go check on it." Leeann turns away from the elevator.

"I need to get Ezekiel picked up."

"Go," Leeann encourages me. "Pick up your baby. You can give him to me at dinner."

* * *

When they hand me Ezekiel's bag, I realize what I have done: I left my bag at Leeann's desk after all. After how well it worked for me to set things up for Ava, I forgot to get my bag. I can't leave it there. If anyone else finds it, there are one or two things in it that might be hard to explain. So I head back up to the leadership offices, not completely sure what I'm going to find.

The elevator doors open to a quiet scene. Kayla and Jerri have Leeann off to the side. Leeann is quietly crying in Kayla's arms, while Jerri stands next to them, her hand stroking Leeann's hair. Max and Nate stand off to another side, talking in quiet voices. There's an Erudite kneeling by Ava, working on her. I assume it's the Erudite that Natalie mentioned last night who she knew would help us. Rodney kneels next to her, waiting for her instructions. Her dark curly hair is in a loose braid that looks like it was done to keep it from falling into her way. She leans over and puts her cheek to Ava's mouth while she checks for a pulse. She straightens up. "I'm sorry." Her voice holds a note of sincerity to it. "There's nothing more that I can do. She's dead."

A loud wail escapes from Leeann.

Nate is the first to speak. "Thank you for trying."

"Rodney, can you get the gurney so we can transport her body?" Her voice sounds familiar, but I can't quite place it. Then she turns and I can see her profile. It's the respiratory therapist who treated me when I had the smoke inhalation. It takes me a moment to remember her name. Marisa. I never dreamed I would actually know the person Natalie brought in to help us- at least I hope that is who it is, and not an actual Erudite who just happened to be in the area. Our eyes meet, and I can see she's trying to place how she knows me. I find myself wondering if it's just from my smoke inhalation, or if she is wondering if I work with Natalie just like I'm wondering about her.

I incline my head in greeting and walk over to Leeann. Jerri sees me and moves out of the way. Kayla takes a moment longer and then does the same thing. "Leeann?" I keep my voice down.

"Oh, Hana!" I find myself holding onto Ezekiel with one arm and Leeann with the other. "She's dead! Ava is dead!"

* * *

It takes a little maneuvering to get everything done: get my bag, get Leeann out of the leadership area, get Leeann to her apartment, leave Ezekiel with her so she has something to focus on, and then find someone in the family. Eli is the first one I find. "Do you know where Chaz is?" I ask anxiously.

"Looking for Leeann," he answers. "Do you know where she is?"

"At their apartment."

Suddenly, he panics as he realizes my arms are empty. "Where is Ezekiel? Was I supposed to pick him up?"

"Leeann has him."

"Why does Leeann have him?" He instantly calms down, but he is curious.

I take a deep breath, and start the half-truths. "Something happened to Ava today. I don't know exactly what, but Ava is dead. Leeann needs the distraction."

Eli looks at me in disbelief. "Ava?"

"That's why I'm looking for Chaz." I hope to distract him from asking me more about it.

"I think he was headed home, but you check the cafeteria, just to be on the safe side. I'll check with maintenance. I'll meet you at their apartment. If you find Nick, let him know what's going on." Eli starts to leave and then comes back. "And keep the fact that Ava is dead quiet. Let them announce it; don't be the first one to know. It might look suspicious, if there was any foul play."

"Foul play?" I echo his words. "Why would anyone think that?"

Eli levels an intense look at me, his normally playful brown eyes questioning me. He takes a step closer and leans in to my ear. "You won't tell me what's going on except that _she_ changed your schedule so you can watch the fear simulations. I ask you if it is a case of life or _death,_ you won't answer that question, and Ava _dies_ the day after that… I don't know _why_ I would be worried about foul play."

I find myself trembling just a little after he walks off. It wasn't foul play, but he's right. I do know about it, and I did have something to do with it.

* * *

I find Nick, not Chaz, in the cafeteria. All of us, including Taylor and Abram, end up in Chaz and Leeann's apartment. It's a quiet evening. Leeann focuses on Ezekiel, and random memories of Ava pop up all evening, from her and from the rest of the family.

I fix dinner and try to keep an eye on everyone. I also try to keep an eye on the time without anyone noticing it. I'm supposed to be in the Chasm room by midnight. Earlier is better, but tonight I'm nervous I'm not going to make it at all.

At ten, I hand Leeann Ezekiel's last bottle of the night. I miss the days of being the only one to feed him, but with the new baby coming…

At ten forty-five, Ezekiel is finished and yawning. "I need to get my family home," Eli says softly as he lifts Ezekiel out of Leeann's arms. "This little boy needs his own bed, and Hana needs her sleep these days, too."

Chaz stands and walks us out. "Thanks for hanging around as long as you did. I think it's the suddenness that really hit her."

"Too many sudden deaths." Eli steals a glance at me when he says that. This isn't good.

We walk to the elevator in silence. I'm wondering what he's getting ready to accuse me of now. Not that he's wrong to accuse me of anything.

"I saw you checking the clock. If you need to go check in, check in now." His voice is tight. "I hope what you're up to is worth what you've put everyone through." Eli steps into the elevator and leaves me standing there with the door closing between us.

* * *

I tell myself it's worth it. Keeping Ava alive, even if everyone has to think she is dead, is worth it. I sneak into the Crevice room, wondering who will be there. Will Ava even be there? If I'm wrong and Marisa doesn't work for Natalie, there's a chance that she woke up in the morgue, and that could be a disaster. I slip through the crack and see a blue back sitting by someone in black. "How is she?" I keep my voice low, hoping not to startle anyone.

"I'm fine." Ava's voice is terse. "What is going on? She won't tell me anything."

The figure in blue stands up and turns around. It's Marisa. I didn't notice earlier when she was kneeling down and not facing me that she's pregnant, very pregnant. She walks over to me. "I've got to go. You have it from here?"

"Go. I've got her for the next part," I assure her.

"Good." Marisa smiles. "Maybe I'll see you again sometime."

I smile back and watch her leave through the door to the tunnels.

"Would you _please_ tell me what is going on here? That Erudite was most _un_ enlightening." Ava sounds impatient.

"What did she tell you?" I ask, wondering where my starting point is.

"She told me that I'm _dead!"_ Ava sounds incredulous.

"You are," I admit softly. "At least to everyone here in Dauntless. And soon everyone in the city will know that you are dead, too. I'm sorry. That's the way it has to be."

"I demand to know why." Ava crosses her arms and looks over at me.

"And you have every right to do that, but I can't tell you much. We need to get you out of Dauntless. The next person I take you to will be able to tell you more than I can."

Ava glares at me. "And just _who_ would the next person be, or do you not know, either."

"Natalie."

"Natalie?" There is a short pause, and Ava's posture relaxes. "I always knew there was more to that girl than meets the eye."

* * *

"Slouch," I hiss softly at Ava. She's dressed as a Factionless cleaner.

Ava tries to slouch, but she's much too proud to slouch for long. We walk out of the Chasm room and across the Pit. We walk together and yet apart. A Dauntless member wouldn't actually walk with a Factionless cleaner, so we walk to the same place, going slightly different ways, although I make sure I can keep an eye on her at all times. I have a vial of memory serum in case anyone recognizes her, but we make it to the train tracks without anyone seeming to look at her twice.

When we get to the train tracks, I finish giving Ava her directions. "The next train is yours. Jump in the fourth car. Natalie will meet you before you pass Erudite. I don't know exactly where she's joining you. At that point, she'll explain what is going on to you."

"Well, enough to give me the next part of the story." Ava's voice is bitter.

"No, Natalie will be able to tell you pretty much everything," I assure Ava.

Ava's eyebrows shoot up. "She's the head of this operation?""

"At least from my perspective." The whistle of the train draws both of our attention. "Sounds like your train is about here."

"And this all is truly necessary?" Ava checks one more time.

"If you want to live, it is," I affirm.

Ava looks for the light of the train and then back at me. "Will I see you again?"

"I doubt it," I admit.

"Ava?" Max's voice booms from behind us.

Ava looks back and I groan inwardly, realizing that Max got a good look at her face when she did that. "Get out of here," I hiss. "I'll take care of Max." The train is nearly upon us and Ava starts running.

"Ava!" Max yells as she jumps onto the train. "Hana?" He turns his attention to me once she's on board the train.

I take a deep breath. I have to make sure Max doesn't remember that he saw Ava after she was "dead."

"That was Ava." He comes up to me, dark eyes demanding. "But she's dead."

"No." I try first to bluff my way out of it. "It was just a Factionless cleaner. Ava _is_ dead. You must have been imagining it."

"No." Max grabs onto my arm with his free hand, pulling me close. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. Like many of the people in Dauntless who know Ava died, he's already been drinking. "I know what I saw. I saw Ava."

I pull my arm away from him. "You're seeing things Max. Ava's dead. I was there to see Leeann when she was declared dead."

"Come with me. You have a lot of explaining to do."

I check his other hand and see what I need: the brown bottle that so many Dauntless carry after a death. "Max, why would I lie to you?" I ask, trying to get into my bag without him seeing me. I wrap my fingers around the memory serum. Quickly I pop the top on it.

"That's what I want to know."

I take the bottle from him. "Does this help?" I hold it up and pretend to take a drink from it.

"It helps you forget, at least for a moment," Max admits and looks up at the stars.

I take that moment to dump a small amount of the memory serum into the drink. I watch Max take it from me and start drinking it again. I wait until he's finished the bottle. Then I start to weave my story.

* * *

Max's eyes begin to clear. "What happened?" He looks up at me from the ground by the train tracks, puzzled.

"You don't remember?" I ask, holding my hand out to help him up, hoping that _this_ time he will remember the story that I've told him over and over again.

"Ava died today…" he starts slowly.

"You're right, she did." We've been at this for over an hour. It's the first time he remembers that fact.

He looks at the bottle in his hand, and then massages his temples with the free one. "I think I've had too much to drink."

I let a small smile slip out. He has. I've been plying him with drink after drink to help him live out the drunken haze that I'm trying to create. "There's a good chance you have."

"I was walking near the train tracks when I… slipped."

I keep the shout of victory buried inside of me. He's starting to remember what I want him to remember.

"You… pulled me up right before the train came. You… saved my life." There is a bit of wonder in his voice.

I take a relieved breath. Max no longer remembers seeing Ava after she died. He remembers me saving his life. Just like I wanted him to.

 **So, awhile back in Random Voices Divergent, I referenced Max remembering that Hana saved his life. Here you have it. Max remembers Hana saving his life… even though you now know, that in reality... she never did.**


	22. Chapter 22 - Naive

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I LOVED your comments on it. Many of you have caught onto/predicted things that are/ might be getting ready to happen. Hang in there!**

 **Sorry that this chapter is later that usual. A couple of things conspired against it. I had another licensing test at work. Good news is I passed it. I hope that means there is more writing time in my future! The other reason this chapter is late is... well, it's another read and reveiw for a POV! And since I was torn between two people... there is another POV coming after the next chapter. And since _both_ of them techincally span chapter 22 and 23, it took just a little bit of work to accomplish all of it. Hopefully it will be worth it to you.**

 **And a _huge_ thank you as always to Bahrfamily for slugging her way through the mess that is sometimes a first draft, and for doing the POV as well as the chapter.**

 **Hang on!**

 **Chapter 22 Naive**

The moment Max takes his place as the first speaker on the box next to the Chasm, I feel my stomach turn. It's not morning sickness from the baby this time; it's fear. Fear that somehow he will, at this moment, become free from the fog and false memories from the memory serum and tell everyone that Ava is still alive and that I have something to do with it.

Looking over at Eli, I'd have to say he has a similar fear, although he doesn't know that Ava is alive and well and that Max saw her. He's just afraid someone will say something to make it sound like they don't think Ava had the natural death Natalie and I tried for. As long as Max's false memory holds, I'm not worried about that. We haven't talked since I got home sometime late last night or early this morning. He took Ezekiel to day care and skipped breakfast while I was eating. I know he's upset with me, and I wish we could really talk about it, but this has to do with the Divergent, and I can't breathe a word, not even to him.

Max's eulogy of Ava is short and factual, the kind of terse accolades you would expect from a man of few words. Kayla goes next; hers is longer and more flowery. Jerri's style is somewhere between Max's and Kayla's: not a lot of words, but full of more praise for all that Ava did for the faction than Max's speech was. As the new head of Dauntless leadership, Nate goes last. His speech is the longest, reminding us of what Ava did for and meant to this faction. Then he goes on to tell us how they will fill Ava's position. "Currently we do not have a leadership class going on, and last night we realized that it has been so long since we had a class, that we don't really have a pool of candidates to pull from. So the decision has been made that we are going to find our leadership candidates today and talk to them. We will announce who they are tomorrow at dinner. We will put these candidates through a six-month course and at the end of that course, we will announce who is replacing Ava. If, during that time, there is a tie vote, the leadership class will discuss it and vote on it. Their majority vote will constitute the fifth vote and break the tie."

When Nate leaves the box, he heads to Ava's widower and daughter; I heard someone mention today that she has a son in Erudite, as well. When the box that they all stood on is empty and being taken away by maintenance, I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding. It looks like Max's memory will hold.

Eli's shoulders relax as he turns to me. "It looks like you got away with it… this time."

I look at Eli in shock. Just what does he think I got away with? He asked me if what I was involved with was a matter of life and death. My blood runs cold when I get the idea that he doesn't know that Ava is really alive and he thinks I had something to do with her death. I grab his hand and pull him to the Chasm, to a secluded area. I climb up on the bottom rail so I can be just a little taller. I ball up his shirt in my fist and pull him closer to me, with my lips close to his ear so I can say what I need to softly and know that he hears every word I hiss into his ear. "Just _what_ do you think I got away with?"

Eli leans back so he can glare at me, then leans in and whispers back, "You have to see the leaders go through their fear landscape, and then Ava dies… what do _you_ think _I_ think you got away with?"

I was raised that losing your temper is selfish, that giving in to _your_ feelings of anger is hurtful to the other person. Even though I am no longer in Abnegation, I try hard to live by that. But this time I don't even attempt to keep my temper in check. "Are you really implying that in a matter of life and death, I would pick _death_? Should you really be having kids with someone like that?"

I don't give him a chance to respond, but step down off the rail and walk away, back to the control room, without once looking back at him.

* * *

When I calm down, half-way into my shift, I realize that part of what made me upset with Eli is probably the pregnancy hormones again. They really turn me into an emotional wreck. But part of me really _is_ upset with Eli. I'm both hurt and angry that he really thinks so little of me that he thinks I, someone who was raised in _Abnegation_ , could be responsible for someone's death.

I'm not sure what I meant when I asked him if he should be having kids with someone like that. I know I never would have said something like that back home in Abnegation.

Back home in Abnegation? Where did _that_ come from? I haven't thought of Abnegation as home in years, possibly even years before I left.

Thinking back, it sounds to me like I'm telling him he should leave me. I know, in Abnegation, even if it crossed his mind that is what I really meant, that he wouldn't do it. There is no divorce in Abnegation, except in the case of abuse, but abusing someone is selfish, too, so I'm not sure if there has ever really been a case of divorce in Abnegation.

I don't know Dauntless's stance on it. I know Taylor and Abram have been married a long time, as have Sultana and Kamil, but is it seen as brave to leave someone, brave to start over? The screen in front of me starts to blur from my tears. I blink long and hard, trying to will the moisture back into my eyes. My heart tumbles to my stomach. What would be his plan? Would he wait until the baby is born, take the kids, and leave me? Or would he find a way to force me to become Factionless after that so he could have the kids to himself?

* * *

That night, Eli doesn't show up for dinner at the cafeteria. Leeann excitedly tells me that she saw him a few minutes ago, and he said he would be too late and to eat without him, and to go home and take care of Ezekiel there instead of waiting for him. I eat slowly, but Eli still isn't there when I get done. I go home, give Ezekiel his bath, play with him on the floor, and finally give up and give him a bottle before I put him to bed. I try to wait up for Eli, but I fall asleep on the couch.

I wake up in Eli's arms as he picks me up from the couch. "Eli…"

"Shhh. You shouldn't have let yourself fall asleep on the couch. It's not good for the baby." He tucks me into our bed, and gently brushes my hair away from my face. But he doesn't kiss me good night. At least not while I'm awake.

* * *

Eli was gone when I got up this morning. There was a note on his pillow, instead, to the effect that he had a breakfast meeting and didn't want to wake me up. Sue is missing from work today, so my lunch ends up being later than anyone else's and I eat by myself. At dinner, there's a very uneasy truce between Eli and me. We haven't discussed what happened yesterday. We sit next to each other, but don't touch. We don't even speak to each other. We may be part of the same conversation, but the comments are addressed to other people.

As the time nears for Nate to address Dauntless about Ava's position, the crowd in the cafeteria grows until it is actually larger than the banquet after initiation ever is. By the time Nate steps in front of Dauntless, I'm not sure I could leave the table if I wanted to. Dauntless becomes quiet more quickly than normal. Everyone waits to see who the leadership candidates will be. "Deciding on whom would be invited to join the next class for leadership training was hard. There are an amazing number of Dauntless whom we considered."

Leeann reaches out and squeezes my hand. "Aren't you excited?"

"Why would I be excited?" I'm curious to see who they've selected, but not excited.

"Really, Hana? You mean that Eli being chosen…"

She's interrupted by Nate continuing, "In no particular order, our leadership candidates are: Levi, Harrison, Wyatt, Sue, and Eli."

The cheers of Dauntless drowns out anything that Leeann might be saying. I realize that people are turning to us and congratulating Eli. I put on a smile and kiss Eli's cheek. I'm not sure what to say to him, so I say nothing.

I quickly bend down and pretend to get something from Ezekiel's bag, hoping against hope that everyone who is surging this way has their attention fixed on Eli and not on the tears I am trying to wipe away from my eyes, because it hurts. It hurts a lot. He didn't discuss it with me, didn't even tell me it was a possibility, yet from Leeann's comment, I can tell she knew what was happening.

* * *

It takes us a while to get out of the cafeteria. It seems like _everyone_ wants to have a word with Eli: to congratulate him, to wish him well, to tell him he was an obvious choice, even to start telling him about issues in Dauntless he should make sure are addressed. If the crowds around each of the leadership candidates are any indication, I'd say Sue has the least popular support; Harrison, Levi, and Wyatt are pretty even; and I'm going to end up married to a Dauntless leader.

Ezekiel gets hungry and fussy while we wait for Eli to be able to leave. I finally give up and push just a little closer to him. Standing on my tip toes, I whisper that I need to take Ezekiel home and feed him. It only takes one glance at our cranky son for Eli to give a short nod and apologize that he needs to go and take care of _his_ son. He takes Ezekiel from me and hooks my hand in the crook of his arm. At first, it makes me feel a little better that he wants to touch me, to keep me close, but that feeling soon fades when he drops my hand from his arm as soon as we are beyond the crowds. I realize he was just trying to keep us together as he made his way through the throng.

The only sound coming from the three of us is Ezekiel's cries, and Eli's soft voice trying to comfort him as we make our way back to our apartment. As soon as the door closes behind us, I break the silence. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You don't need to talk to me about what you do with Natalie, so I don't need to talk to you about any _legitimate_ Dauntless jobs that I may be offered." He doesn't even look at me, just heads straight to the kitchen and starts fixing Ezekiel's bottle.

"I started working for Natalie when you were still dating Jude," I point out to him.

"And yet, even we after we married, you still didn't tell me anything until I caught you out in the middle of the night," he fires back.

"I _couldn't_!" I snap. "You're _still_ not supposed to know."

"Why can't I know? What do you do that is so important, so secretive, that you can't tell even _me_ what is going on?"

We're back to that circle of a fight again. I can't tell him why I can't tell him: that would be telling him too much. "Because I'm not allowed to." It's the only argument I have that I can give him.

" _Who_ gets to say you aren't allowed to? Natalie?" he challenges.

"No, not Natalie. It's the people on the other side of the fence."

"Why do they have any say?"

I let my head flop back so I am staring at the ceiling. "Because we're here because of them."

Eli finishes making Ezekiel's bottle and heads off to the family room to feed him. "So, you are going to put yourself _and_ our new baby at risk for something I can't even know about, and you're going to be upset that I didn't tell you about a possible job offer I had?"

"I'm not at risk, and the baby isn't at risk." I hope I sound more confident than I feel. Truthfully, Max almost catching me with Ava was more of a risk than I was expecting to take that night.

"I'll be the judge of that. I think you're too close to the situation." There's a small pause, as he give Ezekiel his bottle, and then he finishes, "It's not so much fun to be the one who is left out of what is going on, is it?"

* * *

The only conversation Eli and I share from the time we get up until we get to breakfast is about how well Ezekiel slept last night. When we get to the cafeteria, Leeann reaches out for Ezekiel, just like she does most mornings. Eli shakes his head and continues to hold Ezekiel. "I don't know if I'll see him again today. They're keeping us all busy, and if they are going over something we are experienced in, we shadow a member of leadership instead. Today is Tech Support so I'm supposed to report to Max's office in thirty minutes. I don't know when I'll get to see him again today. You can have him after I leave."

When Eli leaves, I don't see him for the rest of the day until he carries me into bed again. "Hana, with the new baby coming, you really need to sleep in our bed. There's no reason for you to stay up for me."

* * *

After the second day of only seeing Eli briefly at meals, I come up with a plan. I ask Taylor for Eli's favorite breakfast recipe. I get up early on the third morning and fix him chocolate chip pancakes and sausage.

He comes out from the bedroom dressed and rubbing his eyes. "Did you make breakfast?"

"I thought maybe we could just eat in this morning."

"Sorry, Hana. I have a breakfast meeting." He takes a deep breath. "It smells good." Then he leaves the apartment without a hug or good-bye kiss.

I stand alone in the kitchen, feeling his absence, looking at the breakfast for two on the table, with only one person to eat it. I sink down at Eli's place, my elbows on the table, my face cradled in my hands as the tears fall from my eyes, until Ezekiel starts crying. With a deep breath, I stand up and go get our son.

* * *

Our days take on a new routine, both because of the way we have hurt each other, and because of Eli's classes. Eli does finally tell me a little about the leadership training. Usually it is a whole year long, but because of Ava's unexpected passing, they are cramming the year into six months. Usually he does get to have breakfast with us and our friends, but three mornings a week he doesn't even get to do that, as they have breakfast meetings on those days, where the current members of leadership brief the leadership candidates on what is happening in the faction. They eat lunch during whatever training they have, and although they are released for dinner, more often than not, they go back after dinner to more classes. By the time Eli gets home at night, if Ezekiel is still up, he just wants to play with him for what little time there is before we put him down, and then he either studies or goes to bed himself. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch, waiting for him to come home.

He carries me to bed those nights, but I think he does it only because of the baby I carry, not because he's worried about me.

Our conversations are child-centric; all we seem to have time to discuss is Ezekiel and what is going on with him, and when my next appointment for the new baby is. He's promised me he'll be there for every one of them, just like he was with Ezekiel.

I find myself wondering more and more, how long this can last and if he's just waiting until the baby is born to make a move.

* * *

A month into leadership training, I wonder how much more I can take of this stalemate. I keep trying little things to spend time with Eli without anyone but Ezekiel there. I tried again to have breakfast at home one morning, when I knew their breakfast meeting wasn't scheduled, only to have the morning coincide with the day they were learning about the control room, and since he used to work in the control room, he ended up shadowing Kayla, instead. Sue shadowed Max that day.

Another time, I get Leeann and Chaz to watch Ezekiel after dinner for about an hour, hoping that we can at least talk. We need to try to figure out how we are going to get past where we are.

He doesn't even come to dinner that night, and I think it must have been around midnight when he got home.

The question is rapidly becoming, is this because of he thinks I had something to do with Ava, or because of his training?

I'm not sure if I want to know the answer.

* * *

At the rap on my door, I pick up Ezekiel to go see who is there. But the door starts to open, so I quickly plaster a smile on my face. It's someone from the family. "Eli's not here," I tell Nick once I can see it's him.

"I know." Nick shuts the door behind himself. "I'm down on Zeke time, and I figure with as much as Eli has been gone with his leadership classes, you wouldn't be opposed to me dropping by to keep Zeke occupied while you do whatever you may need to do."

There is part of me, a large part of me, which appreciates Nick's thoughtfulness in stopping by. There is part of me that is resentful. It should be _Eli_ coming to spend time with his family. "I think I've just about got everything caught up." It's not quite a lie, but close. "If you want to spend some time with Ezekiel, though, you're more than welcome to, of course."

Nick takes Ezekiel from my arms and sits down on the floor with him. "Well, then, if you're caught up with everything here, you can either sit down and enjoy some adult conversation with me, get out of here for a while, or take a shower without having to worry about the baby. I remember Jazz saying that was the biggest luxury after Amar was born. It's your choice."

I look at Nick for a moment; taking an uninterrupted shower sounds nice, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of showering while Nick is in the apartment. I curl up in the recliner and watch the two of them play, instead. For not having kids of his own, Nick is remarkably good with Ezekiel. "Are you sure you won't change your mind about getting married? You'd make a wonderful father."

"I make a wonderful _uncle_. I'm going to make an _amazing_ uncle when Zeke and his baby brother or sister are old enough for me to take them, spoil them, and send them back."

I can't help but laugh at his comment.

Nick studies me for a moment. "So, how are you doing with Eli's training?"

I feel the quick tears spring to the surface. If only leadership training was the biggest problem we have. "I miss having him around, but we'll make it through this." I hope I sound more confident about that than I feel.

"I love my cousin, but he can have blinders on sometimes. Would you like me to say something to him?" Nick turns his attention from Ezekiel to me.

I try hard to smile. "No, training won't last forever." But the estrangement between us just might.

"I'm not going to push you on this, Hana, but I have a feeling that the leadership training is causing more trouble than either of you will admit." Nick looks at me hard. "If you need someone to talk to, you know you can talk to me, right? I'm not Leeann. I can keep a confidence."

"I'll remember that, Nick, but we're fine," I lie to us both.

* * *

I'm coming to the conclusion, I can at least be thankful that Eli is a devoted father. If he wasn't, I'm not sure I would _ever_ see him these days. More than once, I've gotten the feeling that he only comes home before midnight so he can have some time with Ezekiel.

He also checks in with me on how the baby is doing and when my appointments are. "Make sure to remind me. I don't want to miss any of them. I didn't with Zeke, and I don't intend to start now."

It's welcome reassurance, but… I wish I felt like he was coming to be there _with_ me, not just to see what is going on with our baby.

* * *

"Remember I have my appointment this afternoon," I tell Eli as he leaves for his breakfast meeting.

He stops at the door. I can tell from the look on his face that it had completely slipped his mind. "What time?"

"We made it for the last appointment of the day. Four thirty."

Eli nods. "I'm sure I can make that work. We're working on credits and how they work, today. Harrison will be shadowing Nate since that is where he works. I have a better than average knowledge of it; not enough to miss the whole day, but leaving early shouldn't be too much of a problem. We should be somewhere on the leadership floor. If you can't find me, check with Leeann; she'll know where I am."

"Sounds good. I'll see you then," I manage to say just as the door closes behind him.

* * *

"Hana! What a pleasant surprise!" Leeann smiles at me when I walk into her office. It's nice to find at least one Pedrad happy to see me.

"Where's Eli?" I get straight to the point.

"Hi, Leeann, good to see you, too. How have you been?" Leeann laughs at me.

"Sorry, I'm running late. Eli and I need to be at the infirmary for my appointment in ten minutes."

Leeann shakes her head. "Eli's been so scatterbrained lately. He really needs to learn to tell me these things."

I roll my eyes at her. Typical Leeann: everyone needs to tell _her_ what is going on. "Why does he need to tell you?"

"I was Ava's assistant. I don't have a leader to report to right now, so I'm in charge of scheduling the leaders-in-training. I schedule their classes and their days, and if my cousin would tell me when your appointments are, I could put them on his calendar and instead of telling him he needs to get upstairs to tour accounting, I could tell him to meet _you_ in the infirmary. He told me he felt like he was forgetting something." Leeann smirks. "Actually, it might be better if _you_ just tell me when you have an appointment and I'll put it on his schedule for him. I'm actually starting to get a little worried about him. You'd think he's avoiding going home or something." She laughs at the thought.

I give a weak smile, take a deep breath, and hope I can keep the tears from falling. She's much nearer to the truth than she suspects. "He does seem to be very busy with training these days." I glance at my watch to distract myself. I really don't have time to go searching for him. "So, he's in accounting?"

"He just left a couple of minutes ago. Do you know where that is?"

"No, and I don't have the time to try to find him right now."

"I tell you what: I need to send out a reminder for tomorrow's training, and then I'll go find him and send him to you."

"Thank you." I wave at her as I take off walking as fast as I can. "I'll talk to you at dinner tonight."

Leeann's cheery laugh follows me down the hallway. "Promises, promises."

Amazingly, I see Eli, from the back, standing by the elevator. I do a quick double-take to make sure it isn't Zane, but I remember Eli putting on a long-sleeved button-down shirt this morning, so I'm pretty confident it is him. I open my mouth to say his name, then stop as the elevator doors open and Marley smiles that beautiful, beguiling smile at him, holds out her hand, and pulls him into the elevator.

I stand there for a moment, shocked.

Marley looks out the doors as they start to close. I don't know if she sees me or not, but I see her as she reaches out, touches his lip ring as if to prove to me it's Eli she's with, and then starts smoothing down the front of my husband's shirt.

I knew things weren't going well between us, but… I didn't expect this. I didn't expect him to miss our baby's appointment to sneak off with Marley.

I wouldn't have expected him to go off with Marley at all.

I guess that shows just how naive I am.

 **So... if you want to see Marley's POV on this and part of the next chapter, make sure you are logged into your fanfiction account, leave me your review, and I'll PM you her take on this.**

 **I never expected to get a chance to look into her head...**


	23. Chapter 23 - Appointment

**Wow, how time flies! The fact that you are getting two updates in one week is intentional, and there are two reasons for it.**

 **The first is… I couldn't leave you too long on the last cliff hanger.**

 **The second (and more pre-planned) reason is that one year ago today, the first chapter of Dauntless Gray, the story that began my little series, was first published!**

 **I can't forget to thank incomparable Bahrfamily, who has been there putting up with a long distance somewhat paranoid author for over a year now. We actually spent _months_ working on this story before I started publishing it. I'm pretty sure this story wouldn't be here without her support and encouragement.**

 **What a year it has been! From the days when a chapter only got two or three reviews (Thank you Bahrfamily, Milner, and Windchimed for your encouragement) to the last chapter, which, as I'm writing this, has had 20 reviews!** **(Thank you all!** **Milner, Faux914, jvoosen, jfb715, Muara89, Redlady 1952 (both as a guest and has herself!), Img71882, Windchimed, dauntless4664, Sunny2Rain, BK2U, katykiller25, Leoxie, Succerpup17, Rebecca de silva, Nephica, JackieJune, Mtg526, ais116, and gabergirl) I know I bribed you a bit with Marley's POV, but… I still appreciate you taking the time to write them.** **Every review - whether you review each chapter, the occasional chapter, or only when I have an alternate POV - is appreciated and enjoyed.**

 **Speaking of bribes… Jfb715 and Muara89 both mentioned they hoped/wanted Eli's POV on the last chapter. Remember how I said there were TWO points of view I had wanted to do on that chapter and the next?** **If you are logged into fanfiction and leave a review on this chapter you'll get to see Eli's take on both chapters…**

 **Oh! Before I go any further, and I forget, I need to pause and say congratulations to my reviewer/friend through PM, the former MissLoey now MrsLoey. May your marriage always go smoother than Hana's is right now!**

 **Chapter 23 Appointment**

I'm not sure how I manage to get to the infirmary without breaking down, but somehow I do. I think I'm just in such a fog of disbelief that it doesn't completely register with me. There is no way I could have seen what I thought I saw. The hurt I felt that night so long ago, when no one knew Eli and I were dating and Marley latched on to him, pales in comparison to the hurt I feel right now. It must show, because Bekah looks at me strangely when I check in for my appointment.

She reaches out and gently touches my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I freeze in place. I thought I had gotten past doing that over a casual touch, but evidently with everything going on, I'm regressing. "I'm just disappointed. Eli planned to be here for my appointment, but with leadership training…" I hesitate, not wanting to admit to her that he forgot. "Leeann's going to see if she can get him out early. Hopefully he's just going to be late."

"I think I'm glad Conner wasn't chosen for leadership training. We've been talking about starting a family sometime soon, and with as busy as Eli's been, I just don't see how he has time."

"I'm not sure he does have time," I whisper, feeling a large tear fall from my eye and quickly blotting at it with my hand.

Bekah comes around the counter. It looks like she's going to hug me. That's one thing my fragile hold on my emotions can't handle right now.

"Don't touch me," I whisper desperately. She stops in place and looks at me questioningly. "I'm my normal pregnant emotional wreck." I try to blame it on the baby. "If you hug me right now…"

Bekah tries to smile. "Marion's here today. Let's go on to the exam room. She should be ready for you soon."

Unbidden, my small Abnegation smile slips out. This is my first appointment with Marion for this baby.

* * *

"Well, Hana and Eli, I didn't expect to see the two of you quite so…" Marion's bright voice trails off as she realizes Eli isn't in the room. "Where's Eli?"

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. "He's in leadership training. He's going to try to be here."

Marion studies me, her blue-gray eyes more serious than normal. "Hana, I've seen a lot of fathers in my time. Eli came to every one of Ezekiel's appointments because he wanted to be there. You know he'd be here if he could."

I am perfecting my fake smile. Fewer and fewer people seem to be able to tell when I use it. "I know. They're just trying to shove a full year of training into six months. He's trying to be here." Although after seeing him and Marley, I wonder if he really is…

"Well, let's start with the rest of your exam. We might be able to hear the heartbeat today. We'll save that for last, just in case Eli can make it."

* * *

The "whoosh, whoosh" of the baby's heartbeat isn't nearly as comforting or exciting as it was when we heard Ezekiel's for the first time. Back then, Eli was thrilled. He held me in his arms and swung me around the room after the midwife left. This time it's lonely because he isn't here to share it, and because part of me isn't sure that he ever will be.

Marion reminds me that Eli will be able to hear the baby's heartbeat at the next appointment. The problem is that right now, I can't help but wonder if he will actually come to any more of the appointments. Maybe my fear is misplaced. Maybe he's not going to try to take Ezekiel and the baby from me. Maybe he just plans to go back to his carefree lifestyle with women like Marley and leave me taking care of his kids.

When I walk back out, I see Eli hurrying into the infirmary. When he sees me, he comes to an abrupt stop. We stand there for a few moments, neither of us moving or speaking, just staring at each other. I wait for Eli to make the first move, to say the first thing. I didn't miss our baby's appointment, _he_ did. When I realize he's just going to stare at me until I do or say something, I get ready to walk out, hoping I can keep myself from bursting into tears at least long enough for him not to see them.

But as soon as I start to pass him, I feel his arms wrap around me. For a moment, I try to struggle and get away from him, but he holds me tight. The dam that has built up inside of me for the last two months breaks forth. Yes, I'm crying for the missed appointment, for losing him to Marley, but I'm also crying for all the hurt we have recently caused each other.

I lose track of what is going on around us until I hear Bekah's voice from far away: "The first room is free." I feel Eli moving me away from the entryway. I want to fight against him, to get away from him, but I can't. I can't fight my husband anymore.

I feel his leg kick a door closed behind us. "Hana, calm down." I wonder if I really heard him breathe the word "Sweetheart" lower and softer than anything else he said, or if I'm just so desperate to feel like he cares that I imagined it. I feel myself being lowered down into his lap. "Hana, this isn't good for the baby."

All the fight returns to my body. Suddenly, I feel strong enough to wrench myself out of his arms, strong enough to find out where I really stand with him. But his next statement takes all of the fight back out of me again. "Hana, this isn't good for you, either."

It's the caring in his voice that makes me work hard to stay put and allows me to take a deep, shuddering breath.

"That's my girl." Is it his lips I feel on my hair? "Take another one."

I breathe again, forgetting for a moment that I just saw him with Marley.

"I'm sorry."

I'm too tired to move. I want to ask him what he's sorry about. There are so many things I feel like he should be sorry about at this point in time, but I'm afraid to hear the answer, so I say nothing.

"Is everything okay with the baby?" His voice is hesitant, like he's afraid of the answer.

I nod and take another breath, hoping I can tell him what I need to about the appointment without bursting back into tears. "We tried to wait, but you missed it. I heard the baby's heartbeat. It's nice and strong."

There is more of a pause than I expect. Does he wish there is something wrong with the baby? I pull just far enough away from him that I can see him swallow.

"Good." His voice is choked, and when I look just a little closer, I can see a tear cutting a path down his face. "Hana, we need to talk."

I am barely in control of my own tears, so I am unable to speak. I nod instead.

"Where is Zeke?"

"With your mom. She said we could pick him up after my appointment, or after dinner, or at bed time, or tomorrow morning." I almost smile, remembering how she kept trying to draw it out later and later.

"Do you have anything at home you could fix for dinner?" His brown eyes hold mine. They look hopeful.

"There's chicken in the freezer. I'm sure I can come up with something."

He stands me up. "Let's go home, Hana. Mom can keep Zeke until after we've talked. Even if that means she keeps him until bedtime."

I actually manage a smile. This is the best plan I've heard since I figured out how to get Ava out of Dauntless alive. In many ways, it's an even better-sounding plan to me.

Eli laces his fingers through mine and squeezes.

Bekah tries not to stare at us as we walk out of the infirmary. I'm sure I'm an absolute wreck, but right now, as long as he keeps my hand in his, I really don't care how I look to anyone else. I mean that, at least until we get to the Pit and I see Marley headed towards us. When I see how beautiful she is… I wish I looked better.

"Eli! Where did you disappear to? We weren't finished." Her voice is as flirtatious as ever.

"Didn't Leeann leave you a note? She came and got me because I had forgotten about a very important appointment I had to be at." Eli squeezes my hand.

"Well, it looks like the appointment is over now, and we need to finish." She turns to me with a fake smile. "I'm sure you understand, Hana."

I don't understand, and I'm about to say so, when Eli turns to me so that his body blocks Marley and me from seeing each other. "I'm sorry, Hana. I have to take care of this. I was really hoping it would wait until tomorrow, but evidently it won't."

I nod dumbly.

"I'll be as quick as I can. Why don't you eat in the cafeteria? It will be easier on you, and I'll be home as quickly as I can."

"I can fix something and we can still eat together when you're done. You'll need to eat, too." I remind him.

Eli gives me a smile that is smaller than his infamous Pedrad grin. "I have discovered why you hated those boxed meals so much when the Control Room was so busy. They keep a few in the refrigerator for us in the Leadership offices. I'll just grab one of those. Eat in the cafeteria, Hana. We can still talk when I get home." He doesn't kiss me good-bye, but he does squeeze my hand again before he walks away with Marley.

I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't help myself. I just stand there and watch them walk away, until I see Marley loop her arm through Eli's. Then I quickly turn toward the bathroom closest to the cafeteria, hoping to fix myself up a little before I go to dinner, all the while fighting off the tears that never seem to completely go away.

* * *

"Did Eli make it in time?" Leeann asks me when I sit down for dinner. I notice with relief that Bekah isn't here. Hopefully that will help keep the questions about today to a minimum.

"No, I was just leaving when he got there," I admit.

"I'm sorry. He wasn't where I thought he would be. I looked all over and finally found him in Marley's office."

"Marley's office?" I try not to sound interested, but right now I'm desperate to know why he was with Marley.

"Believe it or not, she's pretty high up in the accounting department. Some kind of mathematical genius - well, at least as far as someone in Dauntless can be termed a genius." Leeann laughs.

That explains why Marley seems to be showing up everywhere today. It doesn't explain why she's been touching my husband, or why he's been letting her.

* * *

Afraid that Bekah will show up and ask me what caused me to break down in the infirmary, or that Abilyn will be less distracted by a fussy Shauna than she currently is, I eat quickly and head back home. It's not that I really think Eli will beat me home. It's probably more that I'm hoping that he will have gotten away from Marley by now. The apartment is empty. I wander around the apartment, wondering what I should do while I wait for him.

I know the first thing I should do: check in with Natalie. There is a message waiting for me, and it's not one I want to see. Especially not today.

 **They are watching Ava's son. There's a strong chance we may need to get him out of Erudite. We need to meet tomorrow to discuss ideas. Eli has a breakfast meeting. Meet me in my old room after he leaves.**

I send back a quick message that I will meet her then, but suddenly, I'm wondering if all of this is really worth it.

* * *

Eli promised to come home as quickly as he could. I've washed, dried, and folded a load of towels, cleaned the family room and the bathroom, gone to Taylor and Abram's apartment to get Ezekiel home in just enough time to get him to bed, and now I'm tired. I check the clock. It's already after ten. No wonder I'm getting tired. I can't let myself fall asleep. Eli and I need to talk. I try to think of something I can do where I won't be up on my feet but I can still be active enough to stay awake. I pull out a deck of cards and start to play a game for one person that Tori taught me long so ago when we were roommates.

* * *

"Why aren't you in bed?" Eli is kneeling by me with his hand on my shoulder.

Confused, I blink several times to clear my eyes and lift my head off the kitchen table. Looking at the card game I was playing, I remember where I am and why. "I am staying awake so we can talk."

Eli stands me up and gathers me up in his arms. "I'm sorry. It's gotten far too late for the talk that we need to have." Eli puts a finger on my lips when I start to protest. "Hana, you're pregnant. You need your sleep and I have a breakfast meeting." He holds my hand and leads me to our bedroom. "Go to bed," he commands as he points me to it.

I crawl into bed wearing the pajamas I changed into after putting Ezekiel to bed. From my spot in the bed, I watch Eli strip down and pull on a pair of shorts. He climbs into bed with me and does something he hasn't done since Ava "died": he pulls me in close and settles me in so my head is on his shoulder. I had forgotten how right it feels to fall asleep this way.

"Hana, I know you are tired, but there are two things I need to say to you before you fall asleep."

I lift my head off his shoulder. I don't want to be snuggled up against him if he's going to admit that something is going on with Marley. "What?" I hold my breath, worried about what is coming.

"I'm not sure which is more important, but I need to say both. Hana, I love you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Eli kisses one cheek, then the other one, my forehead, my nose, my neck, and finally our lips meet. When we slowly pull away, I echo his words back to him. "Eli, I love you, and I'm sorry, too."

"We still need to talk," he murmurs and kisses the top of my head as I snuggle back into his arms.

"I know." I kiss Eli's bare chest and feel hopeful for the first time since we got Ava out of Dauntless.

* * *

I wake up to an empty bed and struggle to keep from crying. I thought things were better last night, but this morning he leaves without saying good-bye, again? I sit up, wondering how long ago he left.

"Good, you're awake. I didn't want to wake you up," Eli says as he walks back into our bedroom, fully dressed and holding an equally-fully-dressed Ezekiel. He sits on the edge of the bed and puts Ezekiel on the bed between us. "But this little guy woke up, and I need to be going."

I smile at the sight of my boys. "Even if he isn't up when you need to go, wake me up," I beg him. "Always, wake me up."

A hint of a smile plays at his lips. We just look at each other, our eyes holding each other, searching. At the same moment, we both lean in over Ezekiel and kiss. The tenderness and longing reminds me of our first kiss, only this one ends much more quickly, as Ezekiel soon fusses. Eli cups my face with his hand. "Hana, we still need to talk."

"I know."

He looks at me, and then he does something he hasn't done much during this pregnancy but did all the time when I was pregnant with Ezekiel. He puts his hand over the baby, then leans in close and says, "Good morning, little one."

* * *

Since Eli has Ezekiel ready to go, it doesn't take me long to get out the door. I have plenty of time to get there, but I decide not to wait until the last minute, so I leave almost right behind him. So close behind him, in fact, that I see him standing at the elevator. I'm about to call out to him when the elevator opens. I've only seen Marley a handful of times since we got married, and only from a distance, yet now, when I'm insecure because of everything that is going on with Eli, I seem to see her everywhere I turn.

I stop where I stand, watching Marley smile straight at my husband. Eli enters the elevator, and the door closes…

Ezekiel lets out a loud wail. At first, I think he's upset like I am. Then I realize I am holding him tightly - too tightly. "I'm sorry, Ezekiel. I'm sorry." I loosen my hold on him, and kiss the damp spot on his head from where my tears have fallen.

* * *

"What's going on?" I ask Natalie as soon as the door closes behind me.

"They're keeping a close eye on Ava's son, since he is in Erudite. I'm trying to keep watch on him also, but I'm not sure if I should just go ahead and pull him out or not," she confides.

"Why?"

Natalie looks at me for a moment. "Ava's Divergent. It's hereditary. So there is a fifty/ fifty chance that each of her children is Divergent. Her daughter, Emmy, is relatively safe here in Dauntless, but her son is in Erudite, and Erudite is trying to figure out if there is a rhyme or reason for people being Divergent. I'm afraid to leave him there lest they figure out that it _is_ hereditary. But I'm afraid to pull him out and risk that they will become suspicious that he's Divergent and that someone is pulling them out."

I think for a minute. "Besides the fear simulation, do they have another way to identify the Divergent?"

"There is, but it's a genetic test, and I don't think the Erudite know about it, at least not yet. Although Jeanine is working on a new aptitude test. She's trying to make it so that it will show her who is Divergent through that. There is a very good chance she will succeed and once she finalizes that," Natalie holds out both hands in a shrug, "no one who is under the age of sixteen and Divergent is going to be safe."

* * *

It makes me feel a little better that we decide, at least for now, to just keep an eye on Ava's son. The more time that passes before I have to help her pull someone out again, the better I think things will be with Eli. "Are you okay?" Natalie asks as we get ready to leave.

"Not really." I look at Ezekiel, not at her, when I answer.

"What's wrong?"

I look down at the blue bedspread and shake my head, as much hoping to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes as to avoid answering.

"Hana." She reaches out and touches my arm. "You know you can tell me anything. We always keep each other's secrets."

"Eli and I have been having some problems," I admit sadly.

She sits up and crosses her legs. "What kind of problems?"

"All kinds of problems. He thinks I had something to do with Ava's death."

"He's figured out Ava isn't dead?!" Natalie's voice raises involuntarily.

"No. He thinks we killed her."

Natalie whistles.

"And he's one of the leadership candidates, so he's never home, so we haven't had a chance to talk about it yet. And then yesterday…" I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the hardest part, "he missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because he was with Marley."

There is a long pause. "Are you okay?" Natalie sounds worried.

"No, I'm not!" I look at her, puzzled by her reaction. I just told her Eli and are having problems, and she asks if I'm okay?

"What's wrong? Why did you have a doctor's appointment?"

I look at her, amazed that she's forgotten already, and then I remember I haven't told her. "I'm pregnant."

"Already?" There is real surprise in Natalie's voice. "I thought only Abnegation had kids this close together."

"Abnegation and _former_ Abnegation," I manage to tease back.

"Congratulations." Natalie smiles. "It's going to be hard to catch up to you and Eli." Aside from Ezekiel's happy gurgles and burbles, we're both quiet for a few minutes. "This is really causing problems for you and Eli, isn't it?"

For the briefest of moments, I consider lying to her, but I don't. I just bob my head up and down in agreement.

"If it was up to me…" Natalie doesn't finish her sentence.

"I know," I assure her.

"Do you want out?" Her voice is soft and hesitant. Fearful.

I answer her truthfully. "I don't know."

 **So, as a quick reminder, if you want to see Eli's take on some of the events of the the last chapter and this one, be sure to log into fanfiction so I can PM it to you. If you don't have a fanfiction account it is quick, easy, and FREE to get one, then I will be able to PM you the POV in response to your review.  
**


	24. Chapter 24 - Reconciling

**Oh my goodness! I want to thank ALL of you who have EVER reviewed this story. There are now over 300 reviews! I'm not sure that Dauntless Gray had many more reviews than that the day I completed it! I am overwhelmed by your responses. Thank you so very, very much.**

 **There's no POV for reviewing this chapter, but I would still LOVE it if you would take a moment to do so. Your reviews always make me smile (even when you tell me you hate me). It helps keep me inspired to carve out all the time I can.**

 **One recent review mentioned "I truly enjoy your writing, it's so effortless to read and it flows so nicely." A good deal of the credit for that goes to the woman who corrects me when I use the wrong homophone, verb tense, leave out the "t" in the, and a thousand other little corrections that you all are spared. Thank you, Bahrfamily. (Bahrfamily is editing this now and nodding slowing, and then shrugging!)**

 **Chapter 24 Reconciling**

"I'm off at six today," Eli informs me a couple of days later when he's holding Ezekiel before he leaves for his breakfast meeting. "Leeann even has it on my calendar that I can't stay a minute longer."

After he missed my most recent appointment for the baby, he's been better about telling me what is going on and about having Leeann put things on his calendar. He's promised me that the baby's next appointment is already on there. "I'm off at seven. Can you pick up Ezekiel? Right now your mom is supposed to, but I hate to ask her to do it if one of us can."

Eli's eyes twinkle at me. "Hey, Stiff, Mom actually sees it as more selfish if one of us picks him up and deprives her of the time with him if she's expecting it."

I laugh out loud at his response, knowing he is right. His mom and Leeann both love picking up Ezekiel. I actually have to keep track of when each of them it do. Heaven help me if I get it wrong whose turn it is and ask the wrong one first.

"Actually," Eli turns serious. "Mom's keeping him overnight. If you don't mind cooking, you and I will eat at home tonight and have our talk."

"That sounds wonderful," I answer honestly. Things have gotten a little better since my break down when he missed my appointment, but we still have a lot to talk about, including the main reason I'm still holding him at arm's length: Marley. I'm trying hard to keep an open mind, to trust my husband, but…after seeing them together twice, that trust is being spread a little thin.

Eli hands me Ezekiel and kisses my cheek good-bye. It's not what it used to be, but it's so much better than what it was. I turn to take a look at what I already have on hand. If I can get a jumpstart on fixing dinner, that will give us more time together.

* * *

"Where do you want to start?" Eli asks me after dinner when we are both seated on an end of the couch. We sit together, yet apart, kind of like our lives have been lately.

I take a deep breath, "Let's start at the beginning: Natalie."

"I don't think there is really any need to start there," Eli disagrees. "I think I understand that, at least as far as you can explain anything to me. What I don't understand is Ava."

I figured he was going to focus on that, so I am prepared. "You asked me if it was a matter of life or death. Sometimes, what Natalie does, and what I help her with, _is_ a matter of life and death. But Eli…" I look him in the eyes; I need him to see how serious I am about what I'm saying. "Do you really think I could be involved in even _trying_ to kill someone?"

Eli's answer is instantaneous. "Hana, I never meant to imply that I thought you had anything to do with actually killing Ava. It never crossed my mind that you or Natalie killed her. When you put it to me that way, I was floored that you could think I would think that way of you, but once I calmed down, I could see how you came to that conclusion. But Hana, you have to admit the timing of Natalie changing your schedule so you could watch all of leadership go through their fear simulations and her death is… worrisome." He looks at me like he is weighing his next words, trying to decide if he should say them or not. "This isn't exactly related, and I don't know if you can tell me anything on this or not, but do you think Ava's age, the fear simulation, and her death could be related?"

I manage to stop myself from giving the answer that instantly comes to my mind. No, it had nothing to do with her age, and everything to do with her Divergence, but I can't tell him that last part. "Why?" I ask instead.

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment or two and then answers, "They are discussing the fear simulations with us. Levi raised that as a question. If enough of us see that as a possibility, there might be a compromise that members over a certain age wouldn't have to go through it."

I mull that over in my mind. It's not the truth. I know age had nothing to do with Ava "dying," but… if they don't test people her age and older, then they can't find anyone who is Divergent in that age range. It would keep people safe without Natalie or me having to get involved. "If that compromise isn't made, what will happen?"

"Everyone will probably end up taking it. Kayla's leaning towards it now that she's been through the simulations."

I speak slowly and deliberately. "Eli, the more people who avoid taking that test…"

Eli looks at me and changes the end of the sentence from where I was taking it, but I know it will still work. "The safer you'll be?"

I nod slowly. The fewer people we need to get out, the safer I'll be, so it is the truth.

"I'll keep that in mind." There is a long silence while both of us think our own thoughts on that. How I long to tell him it's not just me that he would be keeping safe, but I can't tell him that. "Hana, what concerned me with Ava, what still concerns me now, is that you would put your life on the line to save someone. Not that you would ever kill someone. It's the fact that I think you would put your life on the line to keep someone else alive that worries me." He moves across the couch and presses his hand to my face. "I don't want anything to happen to you. Zeke needs you, I need you, the new baby," he moves his hand from my face to my belly, "needs you."

I swallow hard. "The baby and I were never in danger." I'm pretty sure that Max wouldn't have killed me if the memory serum hadn't worked on him. "Natalie is the one who takes most of the risks. I really do work for her almost exclusively in the control room."

"I know you can't always tell me what you do, but can you at least let me know when you leave Dauntless?"

I turn over Eli's request in my mind. There's only been two times that Natalie has needed me outside of Dauntless. "That shouldn't be a problem," I say slowly.

Eli smiles at me. "And if you know you're going to leave in the middle of the night, even if it is just to take care of something in the control room" he slides even closer to me on the couch, "you'll let me know so I don't wake up, worried, to an empty bed?"

I work hard not to move away from him. Until the Marley issue is resolved, I don't know how much closer I really want him. "I can do that."

Eli leans over and surprises me with a lingering kiss. "Sealed with a kiss," he mutters softly against my lips as he pulls away. "That deal works for me, at least for now, and I promise, if something like this ever happens again, I'll talk to you instead of holding on to it and brooding about it."

"And something like leadership?" I ask hesitantly.

"We'll talk about it. I won't try to get even with you by not talking to you. We need to talk about Leadership anyway. There are a lot of people who seem to assume the leadership position is mine."

He will make a great leader. I know that. He leads effortlessly. People follow him without thinking. He's hesitant about it, which, according to Abnegation, makes him a prime candidate. "I want you to keep telling me what you can about that, both what you are learning and how you feel about it, but…" I take a deep calming breath, "for me, that's not really that big of an issue, not any more. It's not what we need to talk about next."

Eli looks puzzled. "I've already told you I know you couldn't hurt someone. If you aren't upset about me being in leadership training, what has you upset?"

He's clueless. He doesn't have any inkling that I've seen what I've seen. "You have to know before I say this, that I trust you, Eli. If I didn't trust you…" I blink a couple of times rapidly enough to let the first tears that are forming fall down my cheeks.

His forehead wrinkles in confusion. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Marley." The name barely makes it past the lump in my throat.

"Marley?" He echoes back. "Are you upset because I went with her instead of with you that night?"

"That's part of it." A slow tear slips past my eye.

"Hana…" he starts, but I put up one finger, asking him to pause.

"Eli, I'm going to have trouble getting this out, but I have to."

He presses his lips together, waiting for me to go on.

"The day you missed the appointment, I came to the leadership floor to find you like you asked me to. I talked to Leeann, let her know what was going on, and headed back to the elevator to go to my appointment alone. You were already waiting there. I was about to open my mouth to call to you, and the door opened…" I pause to swipe at the tears falling down my cheeks.

"And Marley was there, " he says softly. He watches me for confirmation, but I can't even acknowledge that he's right. His eyes close. "I...Hana, you need to know exactly what happened." He stands up and holds out his hand for me to take. Hesitantly, I place my hand in his and he helps me up. "I have a feeling I know exactly what you saw. I was distracted, and she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the elevator before I realized she was there. Then… show me what you saw, and I'll show you exactly what happened after the doors closed."

I stand approximately where Marley did and gently reach out and touch his lip ring. Then I start to run my hands over his chest suggestively like she did. With a quickness that surprises me, he grabs my wrists and pulls my hands off of him, holding them down to my side. "Marley, you shouldn't touch me like that."

He alters his voice so his next sentence is a fair imitation of Marley. "Why not?"

"Because you're not my wife." He steps away from me and crosses his arms menacingly, almost daring me to try to move closer to him. "Someone got on at the next floor and I didn't say anything else to her until we were in training."

I take a deep breath. "And when she tucked her arm in yours after you left me?"

"You didn't see my response?"

"I couldn't bear to look." My voice is soft and choked.

"I shook her off, Hana." His eyes look deep into mine. "Part of the reason I ended up getting home too late for us to talk that night was because after she went over what she needed to with me, we were the only two left. Since we were alone, I confronted Marley about the way she acted. She tried to tell me she was just acting like she always had. I told her that wasn't acceptable, that I am married now, that I love my wife, and she needs to remember that. Marley is so sure of her charms that it took a little bit of convincing for her to realize I am serious."

I smile through the tears that are still trailing down my cheeks. It's relief that is causing my tears now. I feel bad that I harbored a distrust for him for even a moment, but considering the circumstances, I understand why I did.

Eli moves close enough so that we are touching. His hands frame my face; his thumbs brush away my tears. "Hana, I am married. I don't regret marrying you. I don't want to be married to anyone but you. I love my wife. I love _you_ , and you, as well as Marley, need to always remember that."

I feel his lips first on one cheek, then the other; he follows his pattern set in stone from our dating days, until he reaches my lips, and I am ready for him. My arms wind around him.

We each pull the other closer, until he stops pulling me closer and gives in to my pull, stretching his chest against mine, leaning me back against the couch.

The best part is that since Ezekiel is spending the night with Taylor and Abram, there is no one to interrupt us.

* * *

"Today's your doctor's appointment," Eli reminds me as he gets ready to head out for his breakfast meeting.

My own version of the Pedrad grin pulls across my face. This is a far cry from last month's appointment when he forgot about it _after_ I reminded him. "And it's the sonogram in Erudite, so make sure you leave enough time for travel."

"I think," Eli mutters as he pulls me in close for a good-bye kiss, "if I end up being the new leader that one of the first things I'm going to propose is that Dauntless gets its own sonogram machine, so I don't have to worry about you and trains the next time you're pregnant."

"The next time?" I smother my smile and try to act horrified by the thought.

"Hana, you get pregnant so quickly, I'm pretty sure there will be a next time, and the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that…"

I think the look on my face does begin to border on being horrified by the time he lets his voice trail off. Eli laughs as he pulls back so he can leave. He pauses at the door. "I enjoy getting you pregnant too much to stop." With a wink he leaves.

* * *

Eli is standing by Leeann's desk waiting for me this time. They appear to be deep in a work discussion so I stand back a little ways and wait for them to finish. "So, you can look over that report on credits and forward that report on to Kayla and Marley if it looks good?"

"I'll double check it for errors." Leeann lifts her head from the paper they are looking at and smiles when she sees me. "You, on the other hand, better get going."

Eli's eyes follow the direction hers have taken. His broad smile stretches across his face when he sees me. "Thanks, Leeann." He walks over to me, kisses my cheek, and rubs the baby. "Hi, little one. Daddy's looking forward to seeing you today."

"That's right!" Leeann exclaims. "And I've decided, I'm putting in a request for a niece this time."

"No! Eli doesn't not need a daughter!" I protest quickly.

Eli chuckles softly at how adamant I am. "Why do you want a niece?"

"Because you already have all the clothes you need for a boy. If you have a girl this time, I get to take Hana shopping for it." There's Leeann's logic for you.

"We'll see what we can do about that." Eli laughs as we head to the elevator.

* * *

"So," the sonogram technician's voice sounds like she is bored and disconnected as she starts spreading the cool gel on my belly. "Are we just checking to make sure the baby is okay, or do you want to know if you are having a boy or a girl?"

"We want to know." Eli squeezes my hand.

"And what are we hoping for?" She checks her equipment and prepares start.

"Girl," is Eli's response.

"Boy," is mine.

She looks at both of us, startled. "Well, I guess I can guarantee that one of you will be happy." She begins and looks at the monitor she has placed so we can't see it.

I asked Bekah after my sonogram with Ezekiel if she knew why that was. She explained to me in hushed tones that every once in a while they find something wrong with the baby, and they want to prepare the parents before they see it.

I nervously clutch at Eli's hand. Suddenly she smiles and turns the monitor so we can see it, too. "I know you've had one before, but here's the baby's head."

"It's sucking its thumb," Eli whispers in awe.

The technician moves on, and soon we can see the baby's legs. "And we want to know if you're a boy or a girl," she mutters and keeps sweeping over my lower abdomen searching for the right angle. "Ah, there's our answer."

* * *

Because we try to get late appointments so Eli misses the least amount of leadership training possible, the cafeteria is almost empty by the time we get to dinner. Except our table where everyone is still sitting around, talking. I realize when we get there that Taylor and Abram are seated with them.

"I know you plan on telling Hana' parents first," Taylor begins when we get there. "I just want to know that my grand-baby is okay."

"You're grand-baby is fine," I reassure her with a smile.

"Good." Taylor stands up and Abram follows her example.

"You may be okay with that answer," Leeann pipes up from her seat, "but I have to at least _try_ to find out. Do I get to take Hana clothes shopping for the baby or not?"

I see Eli's face out of the corner of my eye, and realize instantly that Mom and Dad are _not_ going to be the first ones to know this time. He isn't going to last.

His arm, already wrapped around my waist, pulls me just a little closer. I feel his lips on my hair and hear him whisper, "Sorry," before he addresses everyone else. "You get to take her shopping, Leeann. We're having a girl!"

 **So, to everyone who has been convinced she was pregnant with Uriah… now you know the truth. It's not. As a couple of people pointed out in reviews, the timeline is all wrong for it to be Uriah. Zeke and Uriah have the same age gap as Tobias and Tris, two years. Zeke and this baby (his sister) will only be a year apart.**

 **So to those of you who are currently yelling at your computers, "That's not canon! In Four: a Divergent Collection, Zeke points out only his mom and brother to Four. In Allegiant Four tells Matthew that their father is dead, but doesn't mention a sister," you're right about the fact that the Divergent Books are completely silent about this baby.**

 **But once the idea came to my brain (over a year ago), Hana has never let go of it. There are other spots in this book where this little girl seems to be required. Hana insists upon her…**

 **But I promise you, The Blackest Shade of Gray is still canon…**


	25. Chapter 25 - Norton-less

**Tami- (mentioned) Eli's older sister who left Dauntless for Amity.**

 **I really enjoyed the reviews on the last chapter, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to write one. They help keep me focused on this story. I think that was the most reviews I've gotten on a chapter without bribing you!**

 **Thank you to Bahrfamily who came up with the title to this chapter a long long time ago when we were working on Dauntless Gray and I wasn't sure about titling a chapter "Norton" because I might want to use it here...**

 **Chapter 25 Norton-less**

"Happy Mother's Day." I open my eyes at the sound of Eli's cheerful voice and see him lounging, fully dressed, on the bed with Ezekiel who is likewise ready for the day, holding a bag with black tissue paper coming out of it, in between us.

"Mother's Day?" I prop myself up on my elbow. "What in the world is Mother's Day?"

Eli gives a genuine chuckle. "I told Leeann that as long as she didn't spill the beans, your first Mother's Day would be a complete surprise. I just couldn't see an Abnegation mother putting up with a day that is all about her."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Mother's Day is a tradition in probably all the factions except for Abnegation. It's a day set aside to celebrate moms. Your first Mother's Day and your last Mother's Day- the one before each child's Choosing Ceremony - are by far the biggest."

"Why the one before each Choosing Ceremony?"

"Because if your child leaves, it's their last time to thank you for everything you've done for them." Eli looks at me in all seriousness. "Tami went all out for Mom. That's when Dad really started telling Mom to be prepared that Tami might go. Nick and I, on the other hand, didn't go nearly as overboard, and although Leeann did better than we did… it still wasn't nearly as over the top as Tami's."

We're both quiet as I look not at Eli, but at Ezekiel. When you're a transfer it is never far from your mind tha your child could always leave th way you did. I put my finger in his outstretched hand; he grabs it and sticks it into his mouth and proceeds to chew on it. I'm momentarily distracted from the thought that he could one day leave us by feeling his next tooth getting ready to come in.

Eli sits up with a little bounce on the bed. "Open your present from _Ezekiel_ ," Eli emphasizes the fact that he called Ezekiel by his given name.

Puzzled, I take the bag away from him. "Why is Ezekiel giving me a present?"

Eli shakes his head. "Because you're his mom and he loves you. Now open it! Leadership training is postponed for the holiday. We have the whole day and a lot to do."

I slowly pull the tissue paper out of the bag, being careful to save it so that it can be reused. Inside is a very dark gray mug with the phrase "Best Mommy" written in black. "Thank you, Ezekiel." I lean over and kiss his forehead and then his father.

"He thought you would like a mug for all that tea you always drink." Eli teases with a grin, "Now, get up, and get dressed. You've got a big day ahead of you."

* * *

The big day ahead of me starts at Rob's and Angie's. Evidently the three new dads got together and decided each one of them would be responsible for hosting a meal and the other fathers would help. I'm a little concerned about lunch when I find out Eli's incharge of that. I keep finding myself hoping that Taylor helped him plan a fool-proof menu.

Angie, Abilyn, and I wait for them to finish breakfast in the other room, watching the kids play on the carpet. For the most part they ignore each other and us, although Ashley does crawl over to us and pull up on the couch next to her mother with a proud grin. "Show off." Abilyn smiles as she says that. Shauna is just starting to push herself up on all fours and look like she's thinking about crawling.

"What I wouldn't give to go back to Shauna's stage. Ashley has gotten pretty fast on all fours, and if I'm not careful, she can get herself into all kinds of trouble," Angie sighs wistfully.

* * *

Eli's lunch actually goes over better than I thought it would, but then again, sandwiches were a good idea. All he had to do was get the supplies together and let everyone make their own.

We separate after lunch. All three of the kids need their naps, but Eli surprises me again. "Grab Zeke's bag. He's not taking his nap in the apartment today."

Grabbing Ezekiel's bag and tucking him into his carrier, I look at Eli, wondering what he's up to. He looks so excited that I feel like this is really the big event of my day. "Where is he taking his nap?" I can't help but ask. I think sadly that we can't be headed to Abnegation, although seeing Mom today would be perfect.

"You'll see." Eli grabs his bag that is already waiting for him by our door, and grabs my hand. Hand in hand, we head straight to the elevator. I marvel again at just how right it feels to have my hand in his. Something good did come out of our time of hurting each other. I've relearned to appreciate the small moments. After he pushes the button for the floor we are going to, Eli stands so I can't see which one he pressed. When we start going up, I'm pretty convinced we are heading to Taylor's and Abram's, but when we pass their floor, I start wondering just where we are headed.

It hits me just about the time the door opens. I do know where we are headed. The doors open to the top floor of the Pire. With a grin, Eli grabs my hand, and we're off to the staircase that will take us to our garden.

When he opens the door for me, I wonder again at how Vi's little garden grows up here in almost total neglect. I feel the spring sun warm my face and the breeze toss my hair. Automatically I stand up on tip toes to kiss Eli's jaw, but he's evidently prepared for this reaction and our lips meet instead.

"I know today is supposed to be about you and Zeke, but I figured while he sleeps you and I should take some time for ourselves."

It looks like Eli has also decided not to waste the small moments we have together. I try to hug him, but it's hard to do without crushing Ezekiel. "That sounds perfect."

Eli's finger tips brush the side of my face, and then the top of Ezekiel's head. "Let's get him settled."

Eli came prepared. There's a blanket big enough for all of us to sit on in his bag and a small blanket to cover Ezekiel with. We put the blanket on the ground near the black bench we used to always sit on and figure out where to put Ezekiel so the wind won't touch him and the sunlight shouldn't keep him awake. I sit on the ground with my back leaning against the bench, between my boys. Eli's arm wraps around my shoulder. "This was a wonderful idea," I whisper after a couple of minutes of just enjoying the peace.

"I thought this might be just what we need."

I snuggle into his arm and lay my head against him. "I think you're right. A little time on the roof has never hurt us."

Eli kisses the top of my head and then lets his hand rest on my belly. "Have you thought of any names for a girl yet?"

"No," I answer emphatically, "the last time I picked out a name, it was too Abnegation. I'm going to let you come up with a few names, and we'll discuss it."

Eli chuckles. "I've never thought a lot about girls names. Let me think."

"With all your talk about wanting a girl, you haven't thought about girl names?" I question.

"I guess I figured if I got my girl, you could pick the name."

"Nope, not going to happen. I'm not having _another_ name I like shortened down so it doesn't sound too Abnegation."

Eli is quiet while he thinks, and my eyes slowly droop down in the warm sunlight.

* * *

I open my eyes slowly, wondering why my neck is so cramped. As soon as I see Vi's garden in front of me, I remember everything. A glance tells me Ezekiel is still asleep. I lift my head up and see Eli staring fixedly at some unknown spot on the horizon. His face is thoughtful. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."

Eli kisses the tip of my nose, "It's okay, Hana, right now it's nice just to have you with me." He stares back at whatever he was looking at. "How did we get so far off course?"

A soft breath escapes my lips. I've been trying to figure this out too. "Things snowballed. We both said things that the other one took wrong. We never talked about it. We both nursed our own hurt…"

"I acted like a jerk. I shut you out." He keeps his hands on me, but turns so we are face to face with each other. "That's the part I can't figure out. I love you so much, Hana. Why did I shut you out? When I could tell you were trying to stay up to talk to me, why didn't I make the time to talk to you?"

"You were busy. There's a lot to becoming a leader." I'm quiet for a minute and then start in on the hard part for me. "The last time I saw Natalie, I told her just a little about what was going on with us."

"What did you tell her?" Eli's voice has a hard edge to it.

"That what I do with her is causing us problems." I let that sink in before continuing. "She asked me if I wanted out."

"What did you tell her?"

I look Eli in the eye. "That I might. Eli, I'm torn. I feel like what I do with Natalie is important. I wish I could explain to you how important it is. Sometimes, it really is a matter of life and death... But you and me, Ezekiel and our daughter, we're more important." I take a deep breath. I need to ask him the next question, no matter how afraid I am of the answer. No matter how much I don't want to hear it. "I've been thinking about that a lot. If you want me to quit, I will." I look away from him, hoping he won't see the tears that are starting to fill my eyes at the thought of quitting.

I feel Eli pull me into his embrace, holding me tight. "I still don't want you to lose the pieces of Abnegation inside of you." His voice is soft against my hair. "As much as I hate it… this is one of those pieces, isn't it?"

I think about it and respond, "It is. But… you- we- are more important than that."

"If you can follow the terms we agreed to the other night- let me know ahead of time if you're leaving Dauntless or going to the control room in the middle of the night- I'll do my best to handle it. I won't like it. Don't expect me to ever like it."

I look over at him and smile. "Only if you don't expect me to like the fact that I can't tell you everything."

Eli looks at me. "You're really safer if I don't know?"

"I'm really safer," I confirm.

"Then I'll try not to ask." He looks at me for a second and then reaches out and cups my face in his hand. "Just promise me one more thing."

"What is that?"

"Watch risking your life to save someone else's. My favorite plan is you and me growing old together." He smiles at me tenderly.

We both lean in to kiss each other, and almost as soon as our lips touch, the fussing begins. Eli pulls away with a smile. "Happy Mother's Day."

* * *

"What is wrong with you?" I ask Eli with a laugh the next day after dinner, as soon as the door closes behind us.

Eli looks at me, startled. "What do you mean?"

I want to laugh. "What do I mean? Eli, Angie asked you twice to pass the ketchup. Nick asked you four times if you were still coming by requisitions tomorrow."

"I did _not_ miss all of that." Eli is indignant

I try not to laugh at him. "You did. What happened today?"

"Something very…" Eli tries to find the right word, "illogical."

"Illogical?" I parrot back startled by his choice of words. That's not a word you hear often in Dauntless.

"We're supposed to meet with the leaders from other factions this week. Just a couple of hours to interact with them, talk to them about how the factions interact with each other, things like that. Norton was a no-show today, and I mean no-show. No one from Erudite even called to tell us he wasn't going to make it."

"Okay, that _is_ illogical." Now I understand his choice of words.

"And when we tried to call them… _all_ of the communications in and out of Erudite seem to be shut down. It's like there is a technical problem, but they are the only Faction experiencing it, and they don't even realize it."

I look at him, dumbfounded.

"I hate to ask you this, and I'm not sure I should…" Eli takes a deep breath, "but I've been thinking about this all afternoon, and I should be able to get _something_ out of you working with Natalie, I guess. Can you find out what is going on?"

I sit down slowly on the couch and put Ezekiel down on the floor. "If I can, how are you going to explain that you know?"

"I'm not, at least for now. Right now it would be just for my own curiosity. If I do become a leader, I'll figure out then how I'm going to handle it."

I bite the corner of my lip for a moment. "I'll see what I can find out." I stand up and head toward the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Eli looks at me, puzzled.

A smile slowly traces my lips. I haven't spoken to Natalie about this, but I've decided I'm going to be more open with Eli on how things work with Natalie. "If I'm going to ask Natalie about it, I have to communicate with her."

"How do you do that?" Eli sounds genuinely intrigued.

I decided recently to let Eli in, just a little bit more, on what I do, so I beckon him to follow me into the bathroom. "You don't know about any of this." I pull the tablet out of its hiding place.

"What is that?" Eli sounds awestruck when he sees my tablet.

"This is how I communicate with Natalie. Think of it as a very small computer." I turn it on to receive, mainly out of habit, but before I can shut it down to write my message, I see the message from her. I down-load it and turn off the communication function. I read the message, once, twice, three times, just to make sure I have it right, and then I raise my eyes up to Eli. "Natalie is at almost as much of a loss as you are, but… she wants me to meet her at the Erudite hospital as soon possible to help her figure it out." I lock eyes with Eli.

"Are you asking for permission, because I just don't think I can actually tell you to go, but…you've officially kept your end of the bargain and told me."

I nod and quickly respond to Natalie. I don't know how or when or if she'll get the message, but, if she does, she'll know I'm headed there. "I'm headed out now."

"How will you get there? How will you explain your Dauntless attire?" Eli asks me. I guess if I'm going to be more open, he's going to ask more questions.

I bite my lip for a moment and answer slowly. "There's an underground system of tunnels that I'll use, and by the time I get there, I won't be dressed like I'm Dauntless. I'll look like I'm Factionless."

Eli follows me to the door. "I don't know that I'll be able to sleep until you're back."

"If I'm not home at bedtime, try to, but I'll be home as soon as I can. If you are asleep, I promise to wake you up when I get home."

Eli walks me to the door, pulls me in close, and kisses the top of my head. "Be careful."

* * *

Natalie had told me about a month ago that she was leaving a small scooter outside of the Crevice room. I change quickly into the factionless clothing that is stored there and take off on the scooter, following the blue arrows to Erudite. When I get there, I emerge about two blocks from the hospital. I hang my head, turn my steps into hesitant shuffles, and slowly make my way to the workers' entrance. Natalie told me she'd come by that entrance at least once every thirty minutes and to wait there for her. I only have to wait about five before I see a Factionless woman walk in. She looks bowed down by years of neglect, but when she lifts her head I see that even with her green eyes covered to look a muddy brown, it is Natalie.

"Norton was admitted early this morning. All of Erudite seems to have gone into this strange communication lock-down when it happened," she explains in a hushed tone. "I've managed to get into his room once. No one was in there except a nurse. He's hooked up to all kinds of machinery. It looks like he had an actual heart attack this time, not just surgery to prevent one, like last time. He looks bad, Hana. Very bad. I got myself detailed to clean his room. I have you on morgue duty."

"Morgue duty?" This doesn't sound good at all.

"If Norton does die- and I think he might- as soon as he does, they'll call on someone from the morgue to go stay with the body until they can actually move it to the morgue. You'll go with him to the morgue and when they sign for the body go home. If he's still alive at dawn…" Natalie takes a deep breath. "I'll have to figure out what to do next because you'll need to go home."

"Where do I wait?"

* * *

The good news is that the room Natalie leaves me at is quiet and there is no activity. The bad news is that there is no bed to actually sleep on. I doze a little in the chair until the door is thrown open. "You're needed in room 425."

Wordlessly I nod and stand up. I didn't think to ask Natalie what room Norton was in, so I'm not sure I'm at the right place until I get there.

There is a man dressed in the blue uniform of a hospital worker standing in front of the door. As soon as he seems me, he opens the door.

Norton is lying on the bed. He has been disconnected from all of the machines and lies perfectly still. I walk over to the side of his bed and stare at him. There is not even the slightest rise and fall to his chest. Norton is dead. No wonder he didn't show up today like he was supposed to. Natalie didn't tell me exactly what I was supposed to do, just that I needed to stay with the body, but how close do I need to stay? I decide to move a little further away. Surely I don't have to stand right next to it.

I'm actually not there too long when the door opens and ten people walk in. I quickly recognize them as Norton's Top Ten when I see both Tori's mother and Jeanine. I make myself stay slightly hunched and look only at the floor. There is the slightest of chance that either one of them could recognize me from Dauntless, and I don't want that to happen.

"I just can't believe he's gone," Tori's mom says in a choked voice.

"Believe it." Jeanine's voice is slightly harsh. "We all know that although they will retest the IQ of all adults in the faction, the next leader of Erudite is in this room right now. The faction knows it too. They will be looking to each of us for guidance and direction in the days ahead. We must remain calm, keep working each day. We will try to keep the news of Norton's death quiet for another 24 hours."

"Why?" asks a man with greasy light brown hair and the edges of a tattoo peeking out from the bottom of his rolled up shirt sleeve.

Jeanine closes her blue-gray eyes for a moment, then looks at him like he is a dull child. "Because, Steven, we need to have everything in place for a smooth, seamless transition, and although Norton had a lot of those details in place, we still need to run over them as a group tomorrow."

Steven nods once in understanding.

"Any other questions?" Jeanine asks wearily.

No one responds.

"Then say your good-byes and leave the room." Jeanine walks over to Norton and shows them how it is done. "Good-bye, Norton," she says in a short tone and walks away from the body and out the door without a backward glance.

One by one they each follow Jeanine's example until Tori's mom is the only one who is left.

"Norton, thank you for your leadership and guidance. I will follow your successor in your honor, but… if it is who I think it is going to be, I am not happy about it and she will make me miss you even more." She leans over and brushes a kiss on Norton's forehead. "I always thought of you as being more of a father to me than mine ever was. Thank you for that."

And she walks out, leaving me alone with the body.

* * *

I silently help the Factionless man who comes from the morgue to help me lift Norton's body up from the hospital bed to the gurney we will use to transport him to the morgue. I find myself wondering if he works for Natalie, too, or if there are just enough Factionless who do this job that he doesn't realize I don't belong here. Or maybe he is just so busy trying to survive that he doesn't even pay attention to who he normally works with, either.

When we have his body placed, and are just about to leave, Jeanine comes back in by herself. The rest of the Top Ten is missing.

The man steps away from the gurney and moves over to the wall. I follow his example, quietly and unobtrusively listening to what Jeanine has to say.

"I _will_ figure it out, Norton, I promise you. I will figure out how to change the aptitude simulation so they can't hide any more. I _will_ figure out how to find the Divergent." Jeanine's voice is passionate, but it is the true venom, the hatred in her voice, that alarms me. "We will track each and _every_ one of them down, and deal with them so they can't threaten our city and our factions anymore."


	26. Chapter 26 - Choosing Ceremony

**Judging by the reviews you all seemed to enjoy that last chapter. Yes, Jeanine will soon be leading Erudite, and the world Tris and Tobias inhabit is one step closer...**

 **As usual, my deepest thanks to Bahrfamily for continuing as Beta and keeping me in line.**

 **Renee- believed by Natalie to be a spy from Erudite**

 **Chapter 26 Choosing Ceremony**

A small laugh bubbles out involuntarily, as I walk wearily into our apartment. For all the times recently Eli has told me not to wait up for him, all the times he's gotten on my case for falling asleep on the couch, he has done it himself, and he doesn't fit on the couch nearly as well as I do. His feet hang off one end and his head uses the other armrest as a pillow. Even his arms look like they don't fit, with the way one is thrown over his face and the other hangs over the edge and trails across the floor. I kneel by his head and kiss his cheek. "Eli," I say his name gently, "I'm home."

Eli blinks as he wakes up. His hand captures mine and holds it. "You're safe."

"I'm safe," I repeat back.

"What did you find out?" Eli sits up on the couch and draws me onto his lap.

"Norton had a heart attack this morning. He died this evening after I got to the hospital."

"And you know this because…?" I don't blame Eli for the skepticism I hear in his voice.

I _am_ surprised by my lack of emotion when I hear in my voice when I answer him. "Because I was part of the Factionless crew that picked up the body from the hospital and took it to the morgue."

* * *

The next day is one of those mornings that Eli gets to eat with us. He holds Ezekiel, giving him occasional bites of the mashed banana and oatmeal that we grabbed for Ezekiel's breakfast. Levi stops by the table. "They still can't get ahold of Erudite."

I don't look at Eli. I can't let anyone guess that either of us knows the answer to what happened to Norton.

Eli's eyebrows knit together. "I was thinking about that this morning. If Norton was sick, I mean _really_ sick, do you think they might react this way?"

Levi is quiet for a moment. "You may have an idea there, Eli. Who knows? Anyway, let's hope we have better luck with Candor today. I really don't think I can put up with another afternoon of hearing Sue whine about wasting time waiting on someone or Wyatt showing off everything he remembers so far." He claps Eli on the shoulder and walks off to meet Kelly at the end of the food line. He takes her tray and carries it over to the table where Carly sits with Gus and Levi's daughter. Kelly gives him a kiss after he sets it down for her. It looks like things are still going well for her.

* * *

It takes Nate a little bit of work to get tonight's dinner crowd quiet enough that we can hear him. "Dauntless, we wanted to let you know that we received word from Erudite about an hour ago. Norton has died. Erudite will begin IQ testing to determine the new leader of their faction tomorrow. We will let you know as soon as we find out who it is."

Bekah and Tori look at each other. "Mom must be heartbroken," Tori says softly. "Probably more than she was when I left Erudite."

"I've forgotten, what was your mom's number?" Bekah asks Tori.

"Mom was number two before Jeanine's initiation. I think that makes her three now." Tori gives a slight snort.

"So, there's still a chance it could be your mom?" Bekah checks.

"I don't know how much of a chance there is, but I guess her chances are better than Steven's. Being number ten of ten doesn't give you a lot of hope," Tori confirms.

"Let me make sure I remember this from Leadership Training. Norton started the Top Ten, the ten people with the highest IQ based on initiation scores," Eli verifies.

"That's right," Tori answers quickly.

"And yet they will still test the _entire_ faction to determine who has the highest IQ?" Eli is puzzled, like I am, by the lack of logic of spending all of that time retesting everyone.

"You've got it," Bekah answers with a chuckle.

"That's not logical. Why all the time and expense spent on testing everyone when you already have the Top Ten?"

Tori smiles. "Because Norton didn't test well the first time he took it after initiation. If they hadn't tested the whole faction when the person before him died, he never would have become the leader. He was like number thirty-two or something low like that. He just wanted to make sure that everyone gets the same chance he had."

* * *

"Hana!" Tori motions to me from the Tattoo Parlor about a week after Norton's death.

Leeann told me yesterday that she was going to take Ezekiel for the day so I didn't have to lug him around while I ran some errands, so with a smile I head off to see Tori. It will be nice to talk to her without the distraction of a curious eight month old.

"We're still going together, right?" Tori asks me as soon as I reach her.

I stare at her blankly for just a moment. Maybe it's because I didn't have much time between pregnancies, but pregnancy brain has hit me harder this time than last. What did I agree to do with Tori that I have forgotten? I search frantically through my memory to figure out what it is, hoping I'll still be able to do it. A feeling of relief surges through me when I realize I _do_ know what she is talking about. Isaac's and George's Choosing Ceremony is less than a month away. "That's still my plan." In a way, it surprises me that after all these years, it really is time for our brothers to choose.

"Good! I was afraid," she motions to my expanding waist, "that you weren't going to be able to make it."

I chuckle at her. "Believe it or not, Eli is actually _encouraging_ me to go."

Tori looks at me quizzically.

I look around to make sure no one is nearby to overhear us. The only people who might be close enough are Bud and the Dauntless member whose arm he is leaning over with a tattoo needle. The buzz of the needle should keep either of them from hearing me. I still lower my voice, just in case Bud turns off the pen while I'm talking. "It will give me a little extra time to see my family and let them know about the baby."

"That makes sense, if you care that your family knows." Her nonchalant voice reminds me that if George _does_ come here Tori probably won't bother to let her parents know if she gets married and has a baby. The only Visiting Day her parents have ever shown up for was her first.

We're both quiet for a moment. "I care."

"I know you care about your family." Tori lets out a small sigh. "I just wish, sometimes… I just wish that I cared, that I knew _they_ would care."

I feel like I should reach out and touch Tori, put my hand on her shoulder, or something, but I still have problems bringing myself to touch someone outside of Eli and Ezekiel. "We care, Tori."

Tori smiles. "You and our friends here have been more of a family to me than Mom ever was. Dad was better," she admits, "but he won't go against Mom, so why bother."

"So are you ready for our brothers to choose?" I try to steer the conversation to something happier.

"I'm ready, I think. I mean, part of me is excited," Tori confides. "But part of me is scared."

"What are you scared of?" Excited I can understand, but I can't think of a valid reason Tori would be scared.

"What if he chooses to stay in Erudite? I've been looking forward to him coming here for so long, that I don't know if I can handle it if he doesn't come." Tori has a panicked look on her face.

"You'll handle it if he doesn't come." I look around quickly; there is still no one closer than Bud and his customer, but I still drop my voice to make sure we aren't overheard. "Do you two still meet?" I only dare to ask this because I ran into them one time years ago, back when Eli and I were dating.

Tori gives a small nod.

"And it sounds like he's still planning on making the switch, right?" Tori's grin is her answer. "Then I don't think you have anything to worry about."

* * *

Jazz sighs softly as I set down my tray. "Would you rather be alone?" I ask her, prepared to pick it up and find somewhere else to sit.

"What?" Her head pops up from the sheet of paper she was reading. "Oh, no, it's fine. Sit down Hana. I'm just looking over the list of everyone who is going to be involved in training this year. With Harrison leaving and Leadership training going on, it's going to be a very full training room."

"So you have the five leadership candidates, plus how many candidates for Harrison's position?"

"Really, it's four leadership candidates since Harrison is one of them, but they pulled three potential Instructors. When I went through the training for Instructor there were only two of us. An extra seven people involved in training just seems like an awful lot."

I think back to my training and try to imagine it with seven more people? I suddenly see what Jazz is saying. "That is a lot. Do the candidates for trainer look good?"

Jazz's laugh tinkles brightly. "Yes, I can actually see why they gave us so many. I think Ben and Chaz are the only two that you will know. The other one is from last year. Her name is Renee."

Leeann had told me confidentially about Chaz this morning. She is almost as excited about Chaz being up for Instructor as she is about Eli being up for Leadership. "You're right. I don't know that I remember her," I lie as my blood runs cold at the thought of Renee, the Erudite spy, replacing Harrison.

* * *

"Ready?" Tori stands in our doorway. Her dark eyes are bright with excitement.

"Come on in." I smile back. "I just need to say good-bye to the boys."

Tori follows me back in the apartment.

Ezekiel has crawled after me and is not too far behind me. I pick him up and give him a kiss. "Be a good boy while Mommy's gone." I hug him tightly, and pass him to Tori. "Eli!"

Eli comes out from the bathroom. He's dressed, but his hair is still wet from the shower.

"Tori and I are headed out." I smile at the sight of Eli, wishing we had time to say good-bye without an audience.

He leans over and hugs me. "I'm going to miss you while you're gone," he whispers in my ear. The other leadership candidates will be at the Choosing Ceremony, but they let Eli out of it so he can stay with Ezekiel while I go.

"You boys have fun." I reach up on tip-toes to kiss his lips. "And behave."

Eli laughs. "Don't we always?"

I shake my head. "No, you don't. Keep him away from the wipes this time."

Eli laughs. The last time I left the two of them awake and alone, Eli lost track of him, and Ezekiel managed to find the wipes and pull every one of them out of the container. "You be careful." Eli holds me tight. "Promise?"

"Hey," Tori calls out from the front door where she is rubbing her nose with Ezekiel's. "We need to get going or we're going to have problems at the train."

Eli walks with me, our hands linked together. When we get to Tori, he bends down and kisses my tummy. "You girls behave, too."

"She's the good child." I laugh.

Tori hands Ezekiel to his dad. "I'll keep an eye on them," she reassures him.

"Great, but who's going to keep an eye on you?" Eli asks drily.

Tori laughs and closes the door on him. "Come on. Let's get moving."

Jumping on a train six months pregnant is still doable, but nowhere near as easy as when you aren't pregnant. The train is crowded with the rest of the Dauntless who are heading to the Choosing Ceremony. "So, do you think your brother will leave Abnegation?" Tori asks me when we settle down for the ride.

"No," I shake my head sadly. "I expect him to stay, but I couldn't pass up the chance to see him."

"And your parents?" Tori smiles at me.

I smile back. "I know it's cheating." I rub my tummy thinking about how surprised Mom and Dad will be to see me pregnant again.

"May I?" Tori's hand hoovers over the baby.

I nod. "She's not as active as Ezekiel was, but you should feel something soon."

Tori's hand rests on my belly, and I close my eyes, relaxing. Suddenly there is the flutter of little kicks. I open my eyes and look at her. Tori's eyes are wide and her mouth is open. "Wow."

"Amazing, isn't it?"

She grins back.

"So," I yawn. "How do you plan on handling the fact that when George transfers, you won't be able to spend a lot of time together at first?"

"No problem. I have it all worked out so we'll be able to see plenty of each other."

* * *

"Hey," Tori gently shakes me awake. "We're almost to the Hub."

I blink my eyes several times as I wake up. The train is slowing down. Tori stands up and gives me a hand to help me up. "Thanks."

"You up to this?" She suddenly sounds concerned.

I laugh. "It's just jumping off a train."

Tori smiles at me. We head to the doorway where the rest of the Dauntless headed for the Choosing Ceremony are jumping off. I stumble a little bit on the landing, but Tori is there to steady me. "You okay?" She asks anxiously.

"My balance is just a little off. It happened with Ezekiel too."

Tori looks at me suspiciously. "Are you going to be okay to jump off at the roof?"

I take a deep breath. "I haven't completely thought that one through, but I'll probably wait and jump off after the roof. I don't think I'm up to the net, either."

"Eli didn't think about the initiates jumping off at the net when he agreed to this, did he?" Her eyes twinkle. My husband's overprotective side is well known by our friends.

I laugh. "I don't think so, but I don't plan on using that entrance anyway. So the only thing it changes is me being tempted to try prove him wrong."

Tori joins my laughter. We step forward in the line to the elevator. We're towards the front, so it shouldn't take too long. "What about the stairs on the way down?"

I smile fondly at the memory of going down those steps when I chose Dauntless. I can't run and keep up this time, and even if Eli was here to help me, there is no way I could jump the last few steps, let alone the railing. "I hadn't thought about that. I think it will be best if I pretend to be Candor, take the elevator, and catch a different train."

"Want me to come with you?" Tori offers sincerely as we step into the newly arrived elevator.

"If George doesn't come to Dauntless, that would be great, but if he does, you'll want to be on the roof top for that." There's no way she will want to miss that.

"I don't want to leave you alone." I can tell Tori is torn.

"As long as I don't fall asleep on the train again, I'll be fine," I assure her with a laugh as we get off the elevator and head towards the room for the Choosing Ceremony.

"Remember when it was our turn?" Tori asks wistfully.

This is the first Choosing Ceremony I've been back for since then. Memories flood my mind. Saying good-bye to my parents. Watching Natalie trade places with me, Abnegation for Dauntless, running down the steps and Eli helping me jump over the railing, even though we didn't know each other then. Meeting Leeann on the train. I smile. "That was a good day."

Tori nods. "One of the best."

When we walk into the room, the first thing I notice is that Isaac is already in the circle. A dark-haired boy with eyes that slant like Tori's stands next to him. "Looks like our brothers are next to each other," I observe. My eyes stray a few more people over to a young man in blue talking to Andrew. They look enough alike that I would guess he is Andrew's younger brother.

Without discussing it, we both walk to the inner circle. The rule of the city may be Faction Before Blood, but today we're here to remind them they have blood in another faction.

"Hana?" Isaac's voice is soft and holds a touch of wonder.

"Your niece." I smile and grab his hand so I can squeeze it. "Your nephew, Ezekiel, is at home with his father."

Isaac nods. Siblings being close together in age is more common in Abnegation than any other faction, so he doesn't think it's as surprising that I'm pregnant again as our Dauntless friends do.

"Do you know where you are going?" I ask him quietly. "I'll need to move on soon."

He nods again.

I smile. "No matter where you go, I'll see you with Eli and Ezekiel on Visiting Day, just like the rest of the family. Remember l love you."

He smiles back and reaches out his hand to touch his niece. "Thanks for being here. I love you, too." Our daughter kicks Isaac's hand right about then. His eyes grow round and he quickly pulls back his hand. I smile at his reaction and walk on to the Dauntless section with Tori and we find two seats together.

A lot has happened in the five years since we both left the factions we were born into. Not just in our lives, but in the factions, too. Two leaders have died: Ava and Norton. Norton's death is what everyone is talking about right now. Everyone is curious to find out who his replacement will be.

It takes longer for Erudite to replace a leader than some of the other factions, since they have to retest the IQ of _every_ member in the faction. It took so long this time that they decided it was only logical that since the Choosing Ceremony was the following week, they would announce it to everyone here.

The leader of Candor, an older woman named Krista, takes the podium. Krista's strawberry blonde hair is threaded with silver and looking more blonde than red. The wrinkles in her face are starting to show. "Before we begin, we would like to announce the new leader for Erudite." Her voice is starting to have a faint tremor to it. "Miss Jeanine Mathews will now be leading the Erudite faction."

Jeanine stands and smiles an insincere smile at everyone. Her blonde hair is swept up in an elegant bun, very different from the type I once wore in Abnegation. There is a small smattering of polite applause. Her gray eyes sweep over everyone, dismissing us as beneath her as she scans the crowd. When she is finished checking us out, she slowly walks to the podium. It's like she's keeping the attention of the crowd as long as possible. Her first official act as leader of Erudite will be to say a couple of words here before the ceremony begins. "No one is immortal," Jeanine begins in short clipped tones. I listen intently to her and try to study her at the same time. I know that Natalie, Bekah, and especially Tori, don't like her.

There is more applause and I realize I missed the end of what she was saying.

She sits down, and Krista takes that as a sign she can begin. She steps up to the podium. "As we do each year, we honor the truth of what brings us together."

I ignore Krista and study Jeanine, thinking about Natalie's concerns about her. I don't know if I expect her to give something away, but she sits here, calm and poised, watching each of us with a slightly amused look on her face.

When she calls out the new initiates, May Young, an Erudite who stays, is the first one this year. It takes no time to get to George. Tori grips my hand. It is easy to see how hopeful she is that he will transfer. When his blood hits the coals, Tori yell is the loudest of all of Dauntless. Her fist pumps the air, and when things calm down she hugs me. "He's coming, he's really coming!"

I smile at her excitement. Isaac is next. There is a part of me that hopes he will follow George's example, that he will join us too, but I have never believed like Tori believed George would. And I am right. Isaac's blood lands on the gray stones of Abnegation: he is staying. Tori's arm wraps around my shoulders. I feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyelids. There are few things I hate about being pregnant. Losing control of my emotions tops the list.

The only other person who interests me is the boy Andrew was talking to. When he chooses to leave Erudite for Abnegation I find myself wondering if my younger brother is the only one not following an older sibling to a different faction this year.

* * *

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?" Tori leans in and whispers to me as the last name is called.

"Go." I give her a little push. "I expect a full report at dinner on how George does."

Tori smiles and takes off with the rest of the faction, yelling and running for the stairs. I watch her lag a little behind until she is next to George. She reaches out and punches him on the shoulder, and then she takes off running a little faster so he has to pick up his speed to catch her.

I can hear the faction's yells echoing through the stair well. Part of me really wishes I could join them in that race to the train.

I let Dauntless leave and head out the doors with Candor. Color-wise, a Dauntless can almost blend in with Candor. I feel someone reach out and catch my arm as I pass Abnegations. It's Mom. Her small smile graces her lips. "I was hoping you'd be here." Her voice is a gentle reminder of days gone by. Dad stands stiffly next to her, eyeing my once-again expanding waist.

"I wouldn't miss it," I answer truthfully.

"I wasn't expecting you to be pregnant again so soon." There is no censure in Mom's voice, just a statement of fact.

"I wasn't expecting to be pregnant again so soon, either," I confess. "We're having a girl this time."

"How's the other one?" Dad asks gruffly.

"Ezekiel is growing, crawling, getting into everything he can reach. Eli stayed home with him so I could come."

Mom smiles this time. "This is what I hate the most."

I nod, not trusting my voice.

"Go," she whispers, realizing that all of the Dauntless and almost all of the Candor have left the room. "I love you." She reaches out and touches the baby, who obligingly kicks her grandma. I see tears in Mom's eyes as I turn and leave.

* * *

It surprises me that Eli and Ezekiel are not in our apartment when I get home. My disappointment grows as I search through the empty rooms. I didn't realize how much I was counting on Eli being here when I got home. The tears I have kept at bay since Isaac decided to stay in Abnegation streak uncontrollably down my cheeks. I walk over to the couch and grab a pillow as I sit down. I knew he wasn't going to come, but I let Tori's talk about George coming raise my hopes. I'm pretty sure that if I weren't pregnant, I could handle it. As it is, I _am_ pregnant. I wrap my arms around the pillow, bury my head in it, and let myself cry.

* * *

"Hey." Eli's voice is soft.

Confused, I open my eyes and smile at him. I sit up stiffly, realizing I must have cried myself to sleep.

"I saw Tori at the net. She was very excited that her brother is here. But I didn't see you at the net." He sounds a bit concerned.

I smile at him. "With my balance, I decided that jumping off at the roof wasn't a good idea, so I didn't run down the stairs. I pretended I was a Candor and took the elevator. I even took a different train and a different entrance than the initiates."

Eli kisses me. "Thank you." He looks at me for a moment. "No Isaac."

"No Isaac." I'm quiet for a moment. "Tori was always the one who was convinced her brother would come to Dauntless. It was never me."

"How are you?" Eli smooths my hair as he asks.

"I know I didn't really think he would transfer, but I guess I let all of Tori's talk about George get my hopes up." I take a deep breath. "I'm a little disappointed. Isn't that silly?"

"No, it's not silly at all," Eli assures me.

Ezekiel crawls up to me and pulls up on the couch. I smile at him and with one hand I caress his cheek; with the other I touch where our daughter is making her presence known. "Just tell me they'll both stay." I try hard to keep my voice strong and steady, but it catches at the end.

Eli lifts me into his lap and cradles me in his arms.

"Lie if you have to." I cling to his shirt as I feel the next wave of tears slip down my cheeks.

Eli holds me tight, and then he kisses my cheek, and the top of my head before he answers. "They'll always be our children."


	27. Chapter 27 - Fight

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. I love reading them. (You can ask my coworker who caught me reading them on my phone at break and wanted to know why I was smiling!)**

 **I'm glad everyone enjoyed the stolen moment Hana got with her family.**

 **I found it interesting that you were pretty split on Eli's last line. Half of you thought he should have lied and having him tell the truth like he did.**

 **As for all the concerns about Baby Girl Pedrad... she's not the focus of the next couple of chapters. If that helps anyone.**

 **Thank you Bahrfamily for all your help in editing this chapter and making sure we stay canon in the next few chatpers.**

 **Character reminders**

 **Renee- Possible Erudite spy in Dauntless, she's been selected as a possible trainer when Harrison leaves training at the end of this class.**

 **Lucas- An initiate from last year's class. Hana overheard him talking about how easy the fear simulations were and alerted Natalie about him. They faked his death to get him out of Dauntless.**

 **Van- Another initiate from last year's class. He was Lucas's friend that Natalie changed his memory of Lucas's "death" so that he was her witness.**

 **Chapter 27 Fights**

Our table is by far the loudest when the Initiates walk into the cafeteria for the first time all clad in black. Besides Tori's contagious excitement of George being here, Angie has a cousin who joined today and Conner's younger sister is among their numbers, too.

The table next to us is quickly filled by the initiates. George and Tori both sit on the edges of their groups, by each other. They are careful not to seem to interact with each other, but… I've heard them talk to each other in code and the random words that each of them throw into their respective conversations makes me think they really have communicated to each other during the meal. It surprises me when Tori stands up and announces that she has to go back to work, and doesn't seem the least bit upset that she's leaving her brother behind.

"So, let's check out the Chasm," one of the initiates suggests. I assume he is a transfer since I don't recognize him.

"You can do that," George scoffs. "I'm going to do something a little more Dauntless than that."

"Oh? What are you going to do that is so Dauntless?" Danika, Conner's sister, challenges George with a smile.

"I'm going to get a tattoo."

I press my lips together to keep from laughing. No wonder Tori looked so cheerful to be headed off to work the first evening her brother arrives in Dauntless. They _have_ figured out how to spend time together. I suddenly wonder just how much ink George is going to have on himself by the end of training…

* * *

"I don't see any ink." Danika peers at George the next morning. "Looks like someone chickened out."

"I didn't chicken out," George assures her. "Tori decided she's going to create a custom tattoo for me," he brags. I wonder if they know it's not quite as impressive as he makes it sound, since Tori will do that for anyone, and she is his sister. "She brainstormed ideas with me last night, she's drawing it today, I'll take a look at it tonight, and she'll start it tomorrow."

I want to laugh with how cleverly the two of them are drawing this out to take as long as possible.

"Yeah, well, I'll still believe it when I see it, Nose," Danika taunts him.

" _You're_ not likely to see it," George throws back.

"I'm right! I'm not going to see it, because you're not getting one." She laughs at him.

"It's going on my back, and trust me, I'm not showing _you_ my back."

Danika makes a face. "Like I would _want_ to see you with your shirt off."

Evidently Jazz is concerned by the direction the conversation is taking, because raises her voice and joins their conversation. "You're down to fifteen minutes to be in the training room ready to go." She kisses Amar and Rais and picks up her tray to dump it.

The Initiates' table grows suddenly quiet as they apply themselves to the food in front of them.

Eli turns to Ben and Chaz. "I guess that means the three of us better hurry up, too. We probably need to get to the training room before they get there."

* * *

"Is Zeke still up?" are the first words out of Eli's mouth when he walks in the door.

"No," I answer sadly, "he went down for the night about ten minutes ago. I was about to head for the couch myself."

"I've told you not to stay up or sleep on the couch waiting for me to get home." Eli kisses my forehead, then kneels down and kisses my belly. "Daddy's home, little girl."

I run my fingers over Eli's hair. I didn't realize how much I had missed him talking to this baby like he did to Zeke until he started doing it. "And yet, you fell asleep on the couch trying to stay up for me."

"I'm not pregnant." Eli stands back up and puts his hands on his hips.

"I fit on the couch better." I mimic his stance.

"That you do." Eli rubs his neck, laughs, and folds me in his arms. "I missed this."

I hold him tightly as we once again savor the moment of being together. When we finally let go of each other, he captures my hand in his and pulls me to the couch, sitting on one end and pulling me into his lap. "How was today's training?" I ask. Between the leadership group shadowing the initiation class and then doing some of their own training, it ended up being a very long day for him.

Eli groans and lets his head flop back on the back of the couch. "It was crowded. They decided the transfers would benefit more from the extra help than the Dauntless-born. So they put _everyone_ ," Eli draws out the word, "except Harrison in with the transfers and had Harrison train the Dauntless-born by himself."

I think back to the Choosing Ceremony and how many transferred into Dauntless. Around a dozen, maybe a few more? "That made it almost two-on-one training, didn't it?"

"You noticed that too? We were trying to teach throwing punches and blocking, but we ended up hitting each other as often as not. The good news is they decided to start splitting us up tomorrow. One of us will be with Dauntless-born, one with transfers, and the rest of us will shadow the leaders. We'll still have to meet for a couple of hours after training, but that should at least keep us from tripping over each other."

* * *

At Natalie's request, the next time I know Eli is in the training room, I stop in to see him. She wants me to do that occasionally to keep an eye on Renee. _**Don't become friendly with her.**_ Natalie had cautioned in her message. _I_ _ **don't want you to draw her attention. I just want you get a feel for her in person.**_

I wish I could confide in Abilyn. If I could tell her what is going on, maybe she could teach me a little bit about tells and I could learn how to read Renee a bit better. But if I can't tell _Eli_ what is going on, I'm not even going to _try_ to get permission to tell Abilyn.

As soon as I walk into the training room, I am aware of Eli. He stands between two girls, and I instantly flash back to the first time I saw him in this room, the first time he touched me, back when I didn't know he was Leeann's cousin, back when I didn't have any idea who he was at all. He gave me pointers that day to improve my power, touching my stomach and telling me to keep tension there. Part of me wants to watch him to see if he tells them and shows them the same way he did with me. But I trust him, and I'm not really here to watch my husband.

I hunt through the sea of faces until I find Renee, half hidden in the shadows back where Eli and I were the night we were dating and he cheated to get me to place the kiss where _he_ wanted to kiss me. I absent-mindedly touch the side of my neck where he kissed me that night and feel my toes curl a little at the memory of his lips there. I give myself a mental shake and concentrate on Renee.

At first I watch her form as she demonstrates throwing a punch to the two initiates she's working with. Her form is perfect, textbook even. I continue watching her as the initiates take their turn at the punching bag. She looks slightly exasperated when they strike and the bag moves about the same as it did for me, but by the time they turn to her for guidance, she has her mask firmly in place and looks encouraging as she positions them to make better punches the next time. She seems to be a good instructor. I'll give her that.

I look back over at Eli and catch him staring at me, and feel a slight blush color my cheeks. He waves me over to him and the girls he is working with. "What's up?" he asks when I reach him.

" _Sultana,"_ I emphasize the name hoping he will realize it wasn't Natalie, "called me into work early, and I'm going to be working late. You're mom has Ezekiel. She's says you can either pick him up or he can spend the night."

One of the girls stares at me oddly while Eli answers, "I'll check in with Mom. How late are you working?"

"I'm still off at two."

"Hana, that's a twelve hour shift." Eli doesn't sound happy.

"Sue's out with leadership training and Phil's mom is being transported to the Erudite hospital with an unknown ailment. I'll be fine, Eli." I lace my hands over our daughter. "I've already checked; Ezekiel will be able to go to daycare tomorrow, and I'll catch up on sleep while he's there. I promise."

I can tell he wants to know if Natalie is really behind this, but he can't ask that question here and now, and other than stressing Sultana's name, I don't know how else to put his mind at ease. "I'll check in with Mom when I get through tonight, but I'll probably let her keep him since I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow and you will need to sleep in."

"That works. I need to get going."

Eli looks at me like he's trying to decide if he kisses me good-bye in front of the initiates or if he just lets me walk off. The desire to kiss me wins, and I feel a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Sultana?" he whispers in my ear.

"Yes," I whisper back and turn to walk out of the room.

" _She's_ your _wife_?" I hear the amazement in the voice of one of the girls.

"Yes," Eli's voice is proud, "Hana is my _wife_."

I don't hear anything else they say as I am now too far away. I fix my eyes on George. standing next to the smallest of the males in training. George throws a couple of textbook punches and the bag sways from side to side. The boy tries to mimic George, but the bag barely moves more than it did for me in training.

George patiently explains something to him, shows him again more slowly, then does it all in real time. I hide my laugh when I recognize the little twist at the end. Tori does that, too. She _has_ been helping him get ready for initiation.

* * *

"So, why do you sit here?" Renee asks as she sits down next to Jazz at dinner.

Jazz's laugh is small, like she is laughing at herself. "Harrison has informed me many times that it is absolutely unnecessary, but I like to keep an eye on the initiates, so I usually sit near them. That way I have an idea of what they are up to." Her voice drops. "Of course, it didn't do me a bit of good last year. I didn't hear Lucas and Van discussing playing a game of Dare after lights out last year…"

Renee looks at Jazz strangely. "No one heard them discuss it. I asked all of the boys last year if anyone heard them talk about it. No one did, or at least no one would admit that they did. Seems like an odd thing to do."

"What do you mean?" Jazz asks.

"It seems weird that if two friends are unable to sleep in the middle of the night, they would decide to go play Dare. And yet, that was the common consensus last year on why no one heard them talk about it. The other weird thing was when I asked Van, he said _he_ didn't even remember them discussing it. It was like he was sleepwalking and woke up when the train hit Lucas."

I fight the chill that runs down my spine. Renee is more suspicious of what happened last year than we realized. If she really is a faction traitor to Dauntless and loyal to Erudite, Natalie needs to rethink how we get people out of Dauntless, or Renee is going to figure out that there is more going on than she realizes.

* * *

"Relax." Eli puts a hand on my leg and whispers in my ear as I start to get Ezekiel's things ready so we can leave dinner the next night. "We don't need to leave this early."

I know look at him like he's crazy. "Eli, Ezekiel is through eating. We have about two minutes before he becomes too much to handle at the table, and I have to work tonight."

He leans in and whispers in my ear, "I know, but trust me, you want to hang around a little longer if you can." He brushes a kiss on my ear before he straightens up.

Ezekiel is as good as my prediction. He suddenly lunges from Leeann, who is holding him, and tries to make it across the table to his father. Eli rescues him from landing in the corn and holds him in his lap. I see the gleam in Ezekiel's eye and realize exactly what he is about to do right before it happens. "Eli!" I try to warn him, but I'm too late. Ezekiel has already spotted the mashed potatoes left on Eli's plate and he grabs at them. Eli laughs, watching Ezekiel experiment with the feeling of the potatoes between his fingers. A broad smile starts to pass Ezekiel's lips. His laugh rings out. "Eli! Clean off his hands."

"Let him explore, Hana. He's learning…"

But Eli is cut off as Ezekiel squeals and claps his potato covered hands. Mashed potatoes fly. Tori, Eli, and Ezekiel get the worst of it. All three of them have spots of mashed potatoes on them.

George starts laughing at his sister from his spot near her with the initiates. "Oh, you think that's funny?" She wipes the mess off her face and cleans her hands off on George.

Danika laughs. "That's a good look for you, George."

I miss what happens next when Kelly and Levi walk up. Levi holds one hand of his daughter and one hand of Kelly. His daughter's dark hair bounces as she skips next to her dad. "Guess what?"

Eli wipes some mashed potato off his cheek. "What, Lauren?"

"I'm getting a new mommy!"

I look at Kelly. She has a sweet smile and a pink tint to her cheeks.

"Kelly!" Leeann squeals and jumps up to hug Kelly.

Eli leans over to me and whispers in my ear, "Aren't you glad we stuck around? Now, let's go get him and me cleaned up."

* * *

The next day I make it to the training room to watch Renee again. This time it's thanks to Sultana needing someone to relay a message to Jazz. When I walk into the training room, the initiates are sparromg with each other. I stand by the door, intending to watch Renee. She's seated close to the ring with the rest of the trainer candidates, ready to score the next bout. I fully intend to watch her, but once the match starts, George actually draws more of my attention.

"You're about to be beaten by a girl," Danika announces from inside her padded suit.

"That's what you think," George mouths back. "The truth is you're about to lose to a transfer." George's arm shoots out and he scores the first hit to Danika's chest.

Danika tries to respond, but George blocks the two punches she throws in quick succession. I see Danika's eyes narrow, and George's face lights up with a smile. They circle around each other, and I make myself look at Renee to see if I can get anything from watching her. I get nothing from doing that. All she does is keep her eyes on the fight until one of them actually makes contact, and then she barely glances at the page before her eyes are back on the fight, trying to make sure she doesn't miss anything. I watch and quickly realize that her eyes stray to her paper a lot less than Chaz's or Ben's. Almost as little as Jazz's and Harrison's eyes leave the fights for their papers.

I hear the "thump" of one of the competitors hitting the ground. I glance up at the ring and see George holding out his hand to help Danika up. Danika sits there for a couple of breaths then grabs his hand and pulls. George ends up on the ground with her. "Bet you can't do that again."

"Bet I can."

"Oh, yeah?" Danika uses George to push herself back up. "What do you want to bet?"

"Loser has to serve the winner Dauntless Cake tonight." George stands up again.

"You are going down this time," Danika says grimly.

* * *

"Here's your cake." Danika drops George's cake in front of him. "How did you do that?"

George takes a bite of cake and smirks. His eyes stray for just a moment to Tori. "I'm just that good, I guess."

* * *

On my way to work I pass the tattoo parlor and stop in to say hi to Tori. I'm not surprised when I see her bent over the table or when I see who the person laying on the table is. George lays there with his shirt off and Tori's needle on his back. "Hi, Hana, right?" George grins at me.

"That's right. Good memory."

George laughs. "You're the easiest one of Tori's friends."

"And why is that?" Tori lifts the pen and looks at him so she can join in the conversation. I notice the black blazer on the back of her chair. I've never noticed her wearing a jacket like that before, but then, come to think of it, I think George was wearing it earlier this evening.

"Two reasons." George pushes himself up on his elbows. "One, she's the only one that is pregnant. Two, her brother," he pauses to remember his name, "Isaac?"

I nod to let him know he remembers correctly.

"Isaac was in my class."

I look past Tori at the design she has posted next to her. It's a large drawing of the Dauntless flames. Large enough that even I, with my limited knowledge of tattoos, know it will take more than a day to draw. I would almost be willing to bet she can drag that out to last all through training. The only problem is he will probably need some healing time with it.

"Okay, Georgie, you've proved you have a good memory."

"Would you quit calling me Georgie!" George's voice is full of disgust. "I hate that name."

"What, would you rather I call you Jonathan*?" Tori challenges with a gleam in her eye.

"Yes! I wish Mom and Dad _had_ named me Jonathan. Even _that_ , is better than Georgie," George mutters.

 ***Depending on what publishing you read of Insurgent, you may or may not catch the joke here. If you read one of the books in the first publication, the fight scene with Tori and Jeanine at the end of the book goes like this…**

 _ **I yell. Jeanine releases a horrible sound—a gurgling, screaming, dying sound. I see Tori's gritted teeth, I hear her murmur her brother's name —"Jonathan Wu"—and then I watch the knife go in again.**_

 **However before that, in Divergent, Tori did refer to her brother as Georgie.**

 _ **She lowers her voice. "In the second stage of training, Georgie got really good, really fast."**_

 **In later printings they corrected the mistake and he is always referred to after that as George or Georgie by Tori. So Tori calling George "Jonathan" at this point in the story, it is really just a tongue-in-cheek joke that goes to the first printing of Insurgent and the mistake that was made in it…**


	28. Chapter 28- Simulations

**I already know that tomorrow is going to be a crazy day for me, so since Bahrfamily got edits done last night (thank-you!) I figured I'll surprise you and post it today, instead of disappointing you and not posting until Friday!**

 **Thank you as always for all of the reveiews.**

 **Faux914 asked a question that I thought I would address in case anyone else was curious about. I decided to go with it being a big deal that Tori and George spent time together, because of a quote from Four: A Divergent Story, The Transfer, when Zeke points out his family to Four he mentions that he's not supposed to talk to them before Visiting Day so he doesn't seem to depend on them too much.**

 **And there were a couple of comments about Renee, our suspected Erudite spy... yes, she's digging into things openly, which is a little unspy like, but at this point think of it this way, if you had a classmate in a small high school die (We're looking at 25 or so 16 year olds) wouldn't you question it if it was suspicious? Hana recognizes the questioning for what it is because Natalie suspects her. No one else would just off a few questions. She's going to keep toeing the line...**

 **Character reminders**

 **Danika – Connor's sister, member of George's initiation group**

 **Renee - Possible Erudite spy, up for the trainer position since Harrison is retiring.**

 **Chapter 28 Simulations**

"I'm sorry I can't stay the whole day," Eli apologizes for the fifth time while we wait for the train.

"Eli, relax. I understand that with leadership training, you can't stay for the whole day. I'm thankful you can come with me to show off Ezekiel to my family at all," I assure him.

Eli looks down at Ezekiel, sleeping in the carrier. "I still don't like the idea of you jumping on and off the train, pregnant, and with him, but I'm not going to ask you to cut your time short with your family."

"I'll be careful."

"I know you will." We hear the sound of the train in the distance. "It's my job to take care of the three of you."

I smile at my husband's overprotective side. "You do. You take good care of us." I reach up kiss his jaw.

* * *

I work very hard to keep my balance without needing Eli's help when we change trains and again when we arrive in Abnegation. I have a small stumble, but not enough that he feels the need to reach out and steady me. That's better than last year. I automatically take off towards Mom's and Dad's house. I don't check to make sure Eli is following me. My only thought is to get to the place where my family is gathered, where my family is waiting to meet Ezekiel.

When there is only one more corner between me and my childhood home, I squeeze Eli's hand. "Can I have Ezekiel, please?"

Eli looks at me for a moment. He's starting to get hesitant about me holding Ezekiel for too long if I'm not seated. He seems to think that it won't be good for me or the new baby. He decides to trust me and takes the squirming child out of his carrier and hands him to me with a single word; I'm not sure if it is uttered towards Ezekiel or me or both. "Behave."

We turn the corner, and I see the house in front of us. It's all I can do to keep from running. There is a blur of gray at the window and Mom and Dad are walking out the door toward us. My pace picks up until I'm walking as fast as I dare in Abnegation. I meet Mom half-way to their home, her arms held open for Ezekiel. I pass him over as soon as we are close enough. "Mom, meet Ezekiel."

There are tears in Mom's eyes as she looks down at her grandson for the first time. "Ezekiel," she whispers. Then she does something I've seen Taylor do a hundred times, but I never pictured my mother doing. She leans down and gently kisses his forehead. Ezekiel looks up at her. For a moment it looks like he's about to cry at being in a stranger's arms. "It's okay," Mom croons, "you're safe, Ezekiel, Grandma has you."

I wipe at the tear threatening to escape from my eye. Grandma has him. The one and only time she ever will.

* * *

Mom quickly turns from me to Eli as we walk up the short sidewalk. "Gayle mentioned she saw your name on the list of the potential new Dauntless leaders."

"That's right. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to stay all day because I have to be back early to help watch the transfers interact with their families."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mom says softly. "We were looking forward to getting to spend more time with you this year."

"I was too, but we'll be back again next year. Hopefully I'll be able to stay longer next time."

"Hopefully," Mom agrees and turns back to me.

"Taylor asked if the same plan as last year will work." I make sure to ask mom early in our visit. I don't want to forget to talk to her about that.

Mom kisses Ezekiel's head again. "That will work. I don't know if you will ever know how much I appreciate your mom letting us know."

Eli gives a small chuckle. "I have an idea. I remember what a basket-case Mom was with Tami's first pregnancy. When I first went to Tech Support, I got sent to Amity, and I managed to run into my brother-in-law. I taught him how to disable one particular camera. When I came to fix it, he let me know Tami and Sophia, her youngest, were okay."

"I know it's selfish," Mom shifts Ezekiel as he lunges towards his father's voice, "but it really did help to know they were both okay."

I stop and look at my childhood home. With all of their kids now gone, how much longer will they live here? At some point in time, a couple will be expecting their second child and need a new home, so mom and dad will move someplace smaller. Dad opens the door for all of us and we walk in quietly.

Richard toddles up. He's still young enough to be around when we come. I know better than to look for Jillian, but part of me has to look anyway. There isn't a trace of her on the ground floor. I wonder how much she has grown and changed since I left Abnegation.

Gayle walks out of the kitchen, and I gasp in surprise. Unexpectedly, she's carrying a gray-clad blanket. "Hana, Eli," she nods her greeting at us, her voice is small and low. "I'd like you to meet your newest niece, Anne."

* * *

"You realize," Gayle looks over her shoulder at Mom and Dad, who both look very un-Abnegation, sitting on the couch holding their sleeping grandchildren, "that Ezekiel and Anne will be in the same grade."

"It crossed my mind. They could be in classes together and never even realize they are cousins." I pause and then finish out my thought. "Have you ever wondered if we did that?"

"Did what?" Gayle turns back to the dishes she is washing in the sink.

"Have you ever wondered if any of us had classes with a cousin and didn't realize it?"

Isaac looks like he's trying not to laugh as he finishes clearing the table. "You think Mom or Dad was a transfer?"

"Mom," I answer seriously.

Gayle stares at me a second and hands me a plate to dry. "You're serious."

"When you transfer, you think about these things. I remember Grandma and Grandpa, Dad's parents, and Uncle Samuel and his family, but we never met Mom's parents or siblings," I point out.

Gayle waits for me to put down the dry plate and hands me the next one to dry. "Where do you think Mom is from?"

"I'm not saying she _is_ a transfer, and if she did transfer, I haven't figured where she came from," I admit.

Gayle stops working on the dishes and leans against the counter. "Do you think that's why you went to Dauntless, because Mom came from there?"

"The thought has crossed my mind, but I have problems picturing Mom in the Chasm, or anywhere in Dauntless for that matter. She's too… quiet."

"It's hard to picture her anywhere but here," Isaac adds.

* * *

"Did you have a nice visit?" Eli asks me when he meets me as I get off the train. I wonder how long he's been prowling around here, waiting for my return?

"It was too short, but nice." I reach to pull Ezekiel out of his carrier. Eli might be right about me not carrying him too much. By the time I changed trains, I discovered he is heavier than I remembered.

Eli takes our sleepy son, who brightens up as soon as he sees his dad. "Did he get a nap?" Eli asks me. I can tell he wants to know if he can keep Ezekiel up and play with him, or if he needs to get him back to sleep.

"He took a nap while Dad held him. I never thought I would see my father be so self-indulgent as to hold a baby while he sleeps, but as long as Ezekiel was willing to be held, his feet never hit the ground." I feel the tears stinging in my eyes, remembering each member of my family holding him one last time and telling him good-bye, while I did the same with Richard and Anne.

Eli moves Ezekiel so he's in his carrier and pulls me close to him, so my face is buried in his shirt. It wouldn't do for people to see me crying when I come home from Visiting Day. "I wish it could be different, too." He presses a kiss to the top of my head.

* * *

"Mom said the same plan from last year will work this year," I tell Taylor when I give her a hug at dinner time.

"Good." Taylor smooths back my hair. "It was even harder this year, wasn't it?"

I manage to choke out a single word, yes, before the tears begin to fall in earnest.

"I've got her," I hear Taylor whisper as her arms tighten around me. "There are things about the factions that are wrong," she whispers in my ear. "Expecting you to give up your family is one of them. Hana, this will always be a safe place for you when you miss them. No one here will ever think you are a traitor because you still love and miss your family. I promise."

* * *

"I'm telling you it was a _huge_ dog. It was the biggest dog I've ever seen. It was like the size of a car," Angie's cousin Lance tells the other initiates at dinner the next day. It's the first day of fear simulations.

"The size of a car?" Danika scoffs. "Probably more like the size of one of those little dogs, what are they called? Chihuahuas?"

The other initiates laugh as Lance blushes. "It wasn't a little dog. I'm telling you it was a huge dog with sharp teeth that were about to tear into me. You would be scared if it was after you."

"How did you get out?" George asks sensibly.

"After it chased me for what felt like an hour, it cornered me. There was a piece of pipe on the ground. I picked it up to defend myself and the dog disappeared. I couldn't believe it just disappeared like that. One minute it was there, the next minute it was gone."

"What was your fear, George?" Danika turns to him.

"Blood," George answers simply, "or death, I'm not quite sure which."

"How can you not be sure?" Lance sounds intrigued.

"It was my sister that was bleeding to death. I don't like blood. I don't like the idea of my sister dying." He makes sure not to look at Tori when he says this, but I do. Her fingers turn white around her fork.

Jazz gets up right about then. She carries her tray and pauses by Tori; her voice is soft as she assures Tori, "I think it was blood. He was out quickly. He knew where the supplies for a tourniquet were, and as soon as he had a tourniquet around and stopped the worst of the bleeding, he was out. He wasn't even in the simulation five minutes."

* * *

"Don't you think it's weird that Jazz, Harrison, and Ben all observed your fear simulation today?" Danika asks George later that week.

"I hadn't thought about it," George answers. "Jazz said that since I was getting out so fast, they wanted to have more than one person observe it."

"Yes, but, I'm fast, too, and no one but Jazz watched me," she pouts.

George laughs. "You are not fast."

"I am, too. I'm the second fastest person after you." She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

George leans over and takes her hand to uncross her arms. I notice that he doesn't let go of it, but continues to hold it under the table. "How long did it take you to get out?" he challenges.

"Ten minutes."

George gives a short laugh. "That's not fast."

"Oh, then what's fast?"

"Four minutes today." George lets go of her hand and takes a bite of his roll.

"That's impossible," Danika responds disbelievingly.

"It's possible. I did it."

"How do you get out so quick?" Danika challenges him.

"It's not that hard. Just think about it as a game," George explains.

"A game?" Danika questions.

"Today it was fear of the dark. I hate the dark. I'm terrified of it, really. When we were kids, my sister and I were out after dark once and we got lost, _really_ lost. I just started feeling around in the dark, making a game out of figuring out what I was touching until I found the flashlight. No big deal."

* * *

"My first simulation was fear of the dark, too." I pause when I hear Tori's voice from around the corner. "But when I was trying to find something in the dark to create light, I couldn't find anything."

George laughs. "Seriously, Tori? Come on, it's easy. All you have to do is think about something and it will be there."

"No, it's not. I mean, it didn't just show up for me."

"I can make anything I want show up in a simulation. You're friends with Eli and Chaz, right?"

"Right."

"I think the two of them are supposed to watch my fear simulation tomorrow. I'll put a hawk, like your tattoo, in the sky. Ask them if they saw anything in the sky and if either of them notices the hawk, you'll know I'm telling the truth."

I walk away without either of them seeing me. Tori's and George's exchange troubles me as I walk to work and as I watch the monitors during the long overnight hours. I know that being aware in a simulation is a sign of Divergence. What I don't know with any certainty is if being able to put something into the simulation is a sign, or if George can really do what he has bragged he can do.

I find myself hoping that George is just bragging, that he can't really manipulate things in the simulation, that he's just braver than the rest of us.

* * *

When I crawl into bed after my shift, Eli wakes up just enough to draw me into his arms. "How was work?" he asks groggily.

"Normal, boring. I kept myself awake by thinking about the fear simulations that are going on."

"That doesn't sound relaxing. The only person who seems to be enjoying them is George."

I hear alarm bells ringing in my head at Eli's observation. "You noticed that, too?"

"Yes, considering the fact that George is incredibly fast, and the rest of the initiates are having nightmares each night, while he seems much less affected by them."

"So, have you observed any of them yet?" George said he's supposed to observe them tomorrow, but I need to get confirmation from Eli.

"No, I'm supposed to do that tomorrow."

I'm quiet for a few more minutes. Right before Eli falls asleep, I pretend to yawn. "I heard Tori and George talking this evening. Evidently he sees a hawk in all of his simulations. I know I have only had two of them, but I didn't have anything in common between mine."

"I'll have to look for that," Eli mutters as he falls back to sleep.

That's what I want him to do. Why don't I feel better about the idea of him watching for it?

* * *

"You were right," Eli tells me before we walk into dinner than night. "There was a hawk in George's fear simulation today. It was actually what saved him."

"Really?" I try to keep my voice from trembling.

"He's afraid of snakes. Lots and lots of snakes." Eli allows himself a small smile. "Turns out Renee is, too."

"Renee?" My heart starts pounding.

"One of the elevators got stuck, and Chaz is the best in maintenance at working on them, so they had Renee observe with Jazz, Harrison and me. She looked more frightened watching the fear landscape than George did. Anyway, the hawk started diving at the snakes and grabbing one in its talons, then it would take back off into the sky and dash them on the ground until they were dead. It was amazing to watch."

* * *

I excuse myself from dinner as early as I can. Ezekiel helps out by choosing tonight to spit up all over my top. Since I have to go to work tonight, I leave while Eli is still eating and take Ezekiel upstairs so I can get both of us cleaned up and changed before I need to head to work. I couldn't have planned it out better if I had tried. As soon as I get back into the apartment, I change myself, but before I change Ezekiel, I fire up the tablet and send a message to Natalie that I don't really want to send.

 ** _If someone can put something into a fear simulation, does that mean they are aware during it?_**

Sometimes, like when I found out about Kelly's sister being alive, like the night we got Ava out of Dauntless, and like right now, I wish I had taken Natalie up on her offer of the Abnegation Serum that first day when she asked me to help.

Right now I have a very bad feeling about what Natalie's response will be…

A very bad feeling.

 **Bonus points to anyone who recognizes Anne, Hana's niece. Which book is she from and who knew her?**


	29. Chapter 29 - Heartbreak

**So congratulations to Jfb715, MrsLoey, Redlady1952, Leoxie, and Sunny2Rain, who all found/knew Anne, Hana's niece.**

 **She's in Four: A Divergent Collection The Transfer.**

 ** _It takes no time at all for the name of the Abnegation girl beside me to be called. "Erasmus, Anne."_**

 ** _Anne—another one who never found more than a few words to speak to me—stumbles forward_** ** _and walks the aisle to Max's podium. She accepts her knife with shaking hands and cuts her palm, and_** ** _holds her hand over the Abnegation bowl. It's easy for her. She doesn't have anything to run from, just_** ** _a welcoming, kind community to rejoin. And besides, no one from Abnegation has transferred in_** ** _years. It's the most loyal faction, in terms of Choosing Ceremony statistics._**

 **Thank you to Bahrfamily for betaing both this chapter and the POV at the end.**

 **Character Reminders**

 **Danika - Conner's sister and a good friend of George's**

 **Lance - Angie's cousin and a good friend of George's**

 **Chapter 29 - Heartbreak**

Damp fingers clamp around my upper arm. Stiffening up in an instant, I draw my arm back to elbow whoever holds me. "Who is it?" a frantic voice questions.

It takes me a moment, but I place the voice: Natalie. "Who is what…?" I start to repeat the question, and then realize what she is asking. She wants to know who is manipulating the simulations. "George Wu."

"Who knows?" The rapid fire questions continue.

"That he claims to be able to manipulate things? As far as I know, only Tori and me, but…"

"But what?" Natalie sounds concerned. She looks around and seems to remember that we're in the Pit, and that if we aren't careful, someone will over hear us. "Do you have to be somewhere soon?"

"I have to meet Leeann to go clothes shopping for the baby in fifteen minutes."

"We can get to the Crevice room the quickest." Natalie takes off at a quick pace, expecting me to follow her.

I do, but when I catch up with her, I grab her wrist and pull her to a stop. "Your old room. I promised Eli I wouldn't go anyplace dangerous while I'm pregnant."

Natalie looks me over and then agrees. "My old room." We're quiet until we get there. "What's going on?" she demands almost before the door closes behind us.

"George has been fast getting out of the simulations. I chalked it up to the fact that I know Tori has been helping him get prepared for initiation. He mentioned it was like a game to figure out what something was. I didn't connect it to Lucas, since he was referring to figuring out what an object was in the dark. Then I overheard him telling Tori he can create things in the simulation. Eli was supposed to observe his next simulation so I told him…"

"Hana, you can't tell Eli what's going on!" Natalie is alarmed.

I continue on. "I told him I overheard George mention that he sees a hawk in every one of his simulations. The truth is, he told Tori he was going to put a hawk in the simulation that Eli and Chaz were supposed to see."

"And?" Natalie is breathless.

"Not only was there a hawk in it, but the hawk helped him overcome his fear by killing the snakes. It's like he _wanted_ to make sure they couldn't miss it"

Natalie closes her eyes. "I'm going to need a plan. We may have to get him out."

"And you're going to have to be more careful about it than you were with Lucas," I add. Natalie raises a questioning eyebrow to me. "Renee, not Chaz, saw the simulation. According to Eli, she seems to be afraid of snakes, too, so I'm not sure she really noticed anything. The problem is," I take a deep breath, "before that, I found out she's suspicious, _very_ suspicious, of how we got Lucas out."

There is a stillness to Natalie. "Why?"

"No one, not even Van, remembers the two of them discussing playing Dare."

Natalie closes her eyes. "It never even crossed my mind that someone would check on something like that."

"She asked _everyone_ in their class."

"It looks like I'm going to need some help on ideas to get George out of here." Natalie's green eyes look into mine. "I know you need to meet Leeann. Can you think about it and meet me here when you are finished?"

"As long as I'm not here too long. After what happened with Ava, if I can keep Eli from thinking I've been meeting with you right before we have to get George out..."

"I understand. We'll keep it short so Eli won't realize we're meeting."

* * *

"Did you think of any ideas?" Natalie asks from the chair she is sprawled across when I close the door.

"One," I answer slowly. I _really_ don't like the idea I came up with. "I remembered something that Sultana told me when I saw the car accident in Erudite that you created."

"Car accidents don't happen in Dauntless. There are no cars around." Natalie sounds like she's explaining it to a young child.

"No, not a car accident. Sultana told me that Eli saw someone jump into the Chasm once."

"Suicide?"

I take a deep breath. "He's a transfer. It's not something that you necessarily discuss. The only person who would question that is Tori, and she _will_ question it."

Natalie looks thoughtful. "I'll try to come up with something else."

"There's no way to keep him here?"

"I don't know. I've been hanging around here thinking while you've been shopping. I'll see if we need to get him out, and if I can come up with any other ideas." Natalie stands up to leave, then turns to me and looks me straight in the eyes. "Hana, if we have to get him out, you can never tell Tori."

"I know. I thought about that tonight, too. The thing is, I'd rather have Tori _think_ he's dead, than have George _really_ be dead."

"As long as you understand."

"I understand." I'm glad the final call will be Natalie's, but I'm afraid that George has been too open about what is going on, that he will die for real or we will have to fake his death. I don't know if there are any other options for him.

* * *

Over the next couple of days, I turn into a masochist. It's like I want to make sure I understand exactly what Tori will go through if George "dies", before the final decision is made.

I find a spot where I can spy on Tori and George while he's in the tattoo parlor. They are so happy to be together again. I watch Tori lifting the pen off his back while he laughs. George leaves his black blazer in the tattoo parlor every time she works on his back so he has an excuse to see her, even if it is just for a few moments, the next day. More and more, Danika and Lance join them, and the four of them make quite a group, laughing and teasing. One day Tori works on the tattoo on George's back. The next day they show back up to pick up the black jacket that George left there the day before. The following day she works on his tattoo, and the cycle repeats.

One night I manage to see Danika, George, and Lance leave, with George in the middle, an arm slung over the shoulder of each of them and Danika's arm curled around George's waist. I feel even worse. He has friends, maybe even a girlfriend, and chances are we're about to rip him away from all of that.

But it will keep him alive.

* * *

"Nate is going to watch George's fear simulation tomorrow." Tori's voice is full of pride. "He gets through so quickly that Nate wants to see him do it."

Outwardly I smile at Tori, knowing that is the response she is looking for, but inwardly my heart sinks. Nate seeing George's simulation is _not_ a good thing. The more people who see George's simulation, the more likely it is that George is going to have to be removed, and having a leader see it is much worse than having the potential trainers and potential leaders watching. I'm going to have to contact Natalie. Tomorrow is the last day of simulations. The decision is going to have to be made soon.

"Nate is going to watch." Natalie repeats my news to me when we met that night.

"Yes." There is nothing more to say.

"I haven't come up with a better idea then him jumping into the Chasm," Natalie admits.

"How will it work?"

"I found the footage of the jumper you were talking about. We just need to doctor it so that it looks like George instead of like the original jumper. You're still on overnights, right?"

"For three more days."

"We'll have to take care of it tomorrow night. We're out of time."

* * *

I walk soundlessly through the dorm, searching for George. I hate to do this. In so many ways, I hate to do this, but it's a choice we have to make, because the choice is between life and death.

George forced our hand. If he had played the game instead of showing off, I might not be here. I shake my head just a little as if to clear it. Who am I kidding? If I wasn't doing this tonight, I'd most likely be doing it another night. Natalie told me that between the new fear simulations and the possibility that Renee is actually loyal to Erudite, Jeanine's tentacles reach further into Dauntless than anywhere else.

And George… George didn't leave us much of an option.

Here goes nothing. Tori will kill me if she finds out what I am doing. I'm about to shatter her world.

I put my hand on the baby as I wander through the dorm, checking every dark head to see if it is George, waiting for her next kick, wondering what I would do if she suddenly died the way we're about to "kill" George. I don't even know her, and yet, I can't imagine that, if someone told me she had committed suicide, I would believe them without any proof. Tori is going to want proof. I just hope the "proof" that Natalie and I manufactured is going to be enough.

About the time I feel her kick me, I locate George. Fortunately he has the bottom bunk. Kneeling down beside him, I put one hand firmly over his mouth. "George," my voice is softer than a whisper. "It's Hana. I need you to come with me. Very quietly."

He nods, and I remove my hand.

I stand back up and he gets up from bed, stopping to shove his feet into his shoes and tie them. I weave my way back through the beds and wait by the door for him to follow me, and he does without a word. When we are almost to the Pit, he asks me in a low, anxious voice, "Is Tori alright?"

"Tori is fine." She is right now. She won't be for long.

"What's going…?"

I put a finger to my lips to remind him to be quiet. I follow the path towards the net, and then turn to the other door. It opens to my touch. The corridor is dark, but the since the door is unlocked, I know Natalie is down there. That was the sign we agreed on that she is in place. "Follow the steps down. Natalie is at the bottom. She'll explain everything to you when you get down there."

George stares at me for a moment. "Who's Natalie? What's going on?" His Erudite roots and curiosity are starting to show.

I smile sadly. "Natalie is a friend of mine, you can trust her. She'll introduce herself. I don't know everything. Just trust Natalie. She can explain it all to you." I check my watch. "I have to get back to the control room." I look at him for a second, and then I pull him into the goodbye hug Tori will never get to give him.

Oddly he hugs my back. It's like he understands he is not coming back. With one last look, he turns around and heads down the stairs.

I hurry back down the hall to the control room. My break is just about over. If I don't hurry, Shawn and Miles will be wondering what happened to me. And I don't need either of them checking up on me, or contacting Eli to make sure I'm okay.

Thankfully, I slip into my seat without either of them saying anything. I pull the blank loops that I had placed into rotation to cover my movements. Then I wait. We had agreed on fifteen minutes so I watch the clock. At the end of the time I pull up the next segment, the segment from when Eli saw the jumper that Natalie taught me to alter to look like George. I hold my breath and add it into rotation, hopeful that someone other than me will get the screen that shows the Chasm. I helped create this video. I've already seen it. I don't really want to discover it and react to it.

"What…" Shawn's voice carries in the room. Something tells me he sees George climbing over the rail. "No!" he yells. He turns to Jeff. "Jumper in the Chasm!" he yells.

"Camera number?" Miles asks.

"Forty-five," Shawn barks.

Miles pulls the loop so it is the only thing on the large screen.

I hold my breath. It's the moment of truth. Will anyone notice the work I did on the film?

"Who is it?" I ask, pretending that I don't already know the answer.

"Can't tell." Shawn leans in, squinting at the screen. "Looks like an initiate. What's his name? Tori's brother."

I stand up so I can better see what is going on. I don't want to do this, but I _have_ to react the right way. So much of what we see is boring. We all move to see if something happens, even if it is bad. "No!" I exclaim, knowing I must say something but afraid if I say any more, my voice will give me away.

I know what I'm going to see. "George" has already climbed over the railing. Next, he'll stand on the rail for a moment and look around. He'll look almost directly into the camera, then back at the chasm. He'll stand there for a just another moment, look back, and then push himself off the rail. Natalie already has the body placed out of camera view. She and George should be on their way out of Dauntless to whatever is on the other side of the fence.

Right now, my biggest fear isn't for Natalie and George to escape. With the tunnels and Natalie's experience, I'm sure they'll be fine. My biggest fear is for me. I know last year they had Harrison and Jazz break the news to Lucas's parents. But with Harrison training the Dauntless-born, I'm afraid when they realize I'm working in the control room and that I am one of the witnesses, they'll have me go with Jazz to wake up Tori and tell her that her brother is dead.

I don't want to be there when she finds out. I don't.

* * *

Jazz and I stand outside of Tori's apartment by the tattoo shop. Jazz promised she'd do most of the talking. I'm here to comfort Tori.

I'm here to lie to Tori.

I begged Natalie yesterday, when we confirmed our plans, to let me tell Tori the truth, even if I have to give her the memory serum after it. But Natalie wouldn't go for it. She said it's rare, but occasionally someone can fight serums, and we can't take that chance.

Tori comes to the door in a t-shirt and sweats. She rubs her eye and pulls her hair out of her face. "What's going on?" She addresses her question to Jazz.

"May we come in?" Jazz's voice is gentle.

Wearily, Tori backs away and lets the door open further with her. We follow Tori in through the open door. She closes the door behind us, and we all make our way over to her living room. There's a man's blazer, George's blazer, on the back of the couch. Absently she picks it up and clutches in her arms. "Why are you here?" There's a trace of fear in her voice, like she already knows we aren't here for something pleasant. Then again, it's the middle of the night; no one wakes a person up in the middle of the night for something pleasant.

"Tori, I'm afraid I have some bad news." Jazz takes a deep breath. "George is dead."

Tori looks at Jazz and then me. She laughs. "George can't be dead. He's doing well. I worked on his tattoo tonight. He's happy. He's…" her voice trails off when she looks at me again.

The guilt I feel for what I am putting her through is crushing. Something must show on my face, but it must not look like guilt.

"Hana?" Her voice is frightened. "Tell me the truth."

I take a deep breath. "I'm still on overnights."

"You've been on overnights for almost a month now."

"We saw someone jump into the Chasm." I pinch my lips together and curl them into my mouth, fighting against the tears that suddenly threaten to fall.

"They did everything they could, but the control room is too far away to do anything. By the time security got there, all they could do was pull the body out. It appears to be George," Jazz takes over.

"Appears?" Tori's voice is sharp, questioning, begging there to be a mistake, that it's not George but someone who looks like him.

"He hit the rocks several times on the way down," Jazz explains gently. "He's whole body is pretty banged up, but there was a fresh tattoo on his back."

"We saw the face of the jumper clearly on the tape." Natalie and I made sure we would be able to see his face clearly on the tape since the body wouldn't be exactly like him. I swallow hard. "It was George." Please don't ask to see it; please don't ask to see it.

Tori's face contorts. Sobs rack her whole body. I cross the room and try to give her George's good-bye hug. Even if she doesn't know it is from him, it will make me feel better to give it to her.

She pushes me away before I can touch her. "Get out!" she snarls. "Get out of here now! He's not dead! Don't lie to me! He wouldn't jump into the Chasm. We're together again! He wouldn't…" Her voice breaks off into heart-wrenching sobs.

"Tori," Jazz uses her Amity voice. It is designed to be calm and soothing.

"Get out!" Tori picks up a pillow and proceeds to throw it at Jazz. "Get out! Both of you just get out!"

Jazz motions for me to follow her. We leave Tori in her living room. Her fingers are knotted in her hair, pulling so hard on it that they shake. Tears pour down her face.

Jazz stops at the door. "Tori, we'll talk in the morning. If you need either of us before then…"

"Get out!" she screeches. "You've done enough!"

I catch a glimpse of Kelly standing in the hallway. I veer slightly toward her. "George jumped in the Chasm and died tonight," I quietly tell her.

Kelly takes a deep breath and looks at Tori. "Can you get Abilyn? I don't want to leave her alone, but I think I'm going to need some help."

The sound of a table being overturned fills the air.

"I'll get her just as soon as I can."

"Thank you." Kelly moves towards the living room.

I catch up with Jazz at the door and we walk out together. "I knew it wasn't going to go well, but…" Jazz stops, unsure of what to say next.

There are tears in my own eyes. "I'm glad Miles gave me the rest of the night off," I admit. "I wouldn't actually notice anything happening on the screen right now anyway."

Jazz reaches out and rubs my arm. "Go home to your family. That's what I did last year with Lucas. Go home and just stare at them while they sleep and be glad that they are alive."

"Kelly asked me to get Abilyn to help her. I'll go home after I do that," I promise her.

Jazz checks her watch. "If by some miracle you can, get some sleep. Tomorrow will be George's funeral, and from what we just saw of Tori… it's going to be a very long day."

* * *

"What are you doing home?" Eli asks from the kitchen table where he and Nick are playing cards.

I had forgotten Nick was coming over tonight, but it wouldn't have mattered. There's nowhere else I want to be right now. "Miles sent me home."

Eli stand up so rapidly his chair falls to the ground. "The baby?"

"The baby and I are fine. It has nothing to do with the baby." Tori's face floats in my vision. Tears start to pour from my eyes.

"Hana!" He grabs my upper arms and looks me in the eyes, "What's wrong?"

"He jumped." My voice sounds distant to me.

Eli's eyebrows pull together in confusion. "Miles sent you home for a jumper? That's not like him."

I shake my head. "It wasn't just any jumper… it was George."

"George?" Nick joins our conversation. "Tori's brother, George?"

I swallow hard. "We saw George stand on the rail to the chasm and… and… he jumped." My voice fades to almost nothing by the last word. "They had me go with Jazz to tell Tori since we're friends, and George is- was- an initiate. It was…" I can't find the words to describe what happened with Tori.

Eli's arms tighten around me. My tears of guilt, pain, and relief soak the front of his shirt. "How did Tori take it?" he asks softly.

"Horribly. She yelled at us and threw something at Jazz. I'm worried about her," I admit softly. "I'm afraid this is going to break her heart."

 **If you would like to see the other side of a rescue, what it is like for the person who was rescued, leave me a review, and I'll send you George's POV of his rescue and trip with Natalie to meet up with the Bureau. (Remember you have to have a fanficiton account for me to be able to do this.)**


	30. Chapter 30 - Fallout

**I agree with all the coments that it would have been nice to have had George around longer, but... that's canon. Thank you for all the reviews. I'm glad you all enjoyed seeing George's POV of his trip out of Dauntless with Natalie.**

 **Thank you, (again) to Bahrfamily for her help Betaing this chapter. I appreciate everything you do.**

 **Character reminders**

 **Lucas - (mentioned) Divergent initiate Hana and Natalie pulled out last year.**

 **Nate - new head of Dauntless after Ava's "death"**

 **Renee - believed spy to Erudite and possible new trainer when Harrison retires**

 **Lance - Angie's cousin, one of George's close friends**

 **Danika - Conner's sister, another one of George's close friends**

 **Levi - Kelly's fiancée and leadership candidate (along with Eli)**

 **Chapter 30 Fallout**

Sounds that no one else can hear keep haunting me that night, non-existent sounds that fill our quiet apartment. They are sounds I really heard today - Tori's shouts of denial, the crash of the table being overturned in her apartment as we left - and sounds I'm afraid of hearing- her voice accusing me of killing her brother, her screams as she follows her brother into the Chasm.

The only sound that really exists is the one I try to concentrate on: the soft, relaxing sound of Eli breathing as he sleeps with his arms around me, pinning me to his chest, preventing me from getting up and prowling through our apartment in the dark in what I realize will be a vain effort to find sleep. I don't get up and attempt it because Eli will wake up, and he needs his sleep. I need my sleep, too, so I try to find something else to think about, something to keep my mind off of Tori long enough to fall asleep.

I find myself wondering how Natalie and George's trip is going. By now they must be on the other side of the Amity fence. Eli unconsciously pulls me closer when I shiver at the thought of being there with the wild animals and whatever else - whoever else - is out there, too. This isn't helping me to relax.

A soft flurry of kicks makes me I smile. As my hand moves to rest on our little girl, I remember telling Rais and Eli when Lucas "died" that sometimes in death, we need to remember there is life also. That's a girl, I think to myself. Remind me of something pleasant to think about. I quit trying to picture Tori's anguish or George's escape, and instead I try to picture what she will look like. Dark hair is a given, but for some reason I picture her with Abram's hazel eyes instead of Eli's brown ones, and I soon fall asleep.

* * *

Tori is missing at breakfast, and so are Abilyn and Kelly. I want to go check on her, to see if there is anything I can do to help, but after the way she ordered Jazz and me out of her room, I'm afraid I won't be welcome.

Leeann holds Shauna so Ben and Chaz can sit along with Harrison, Jazz, and Renee with the initiates. I notice even though it is breakfast, many of the Dauntless-born initiates, including Lance and Danika, already have brown bottles of drink to comfort them. In my opinion, it's a very hollow comfort.

This should have been one of his mornings to eat with us, but Eli has joined the rest of leadership and leadership candidates in an emergency breakfast meeting. Nate came by the apartment early this morning to let him know about it.

Bekah and Connor are the last ones to join us for breakfast. Bekah sets down her tray with just enough of a clang to get our group's attention. When we are all looking at her, she speaks just loud enough for us but not the initiates to hear her. "Kelly came and got me about an hour ago. Tori wouldn't let Rodney near her, and they needed to sedate her. I think she broke just about everything in the apartment, except what is in Kelly's room. The memorial service will be at noon. That's when the sedative will be wearing off. We think that will be the safest time for her. Hana," she turns to me, "I hate to tell you this, but right now, we think it is best if you and Jazz stay away from Tori. The two of you brought her the news and some of her rants include the two of you. I know you want to help, but right now, letting Jazz know and the two of you steering clear is the best help you can give."

"I had a feeling from the way she was reacting that we needed to stay away. I'll let Jazz know. If there is anything I can do, even if it is helping to clean the apartment when she is gone, let me know."

Bekah gives me a small smile of acknowledgment.

"Stiff," Leeann teases softly.

* * *

At eleven forty-five, Eli and I arrive at the Chasm for the memorial service. He gives me a quick kiss and heads to join the leadership team to finish getting everything ready. Kelly and Abilyn show up about five before twelve, with Tori between them. They position themselves close to the box that is set up for the leader who will speak. I wonder who it will be this time. My first thought is that it will be Max, since he is the youngest leader and therefore in charge of training.

The trainees fill in the area near the front. Dannika and Lance find spots near Tori. Danika tries to put a hand on Tori to comfort her, but Tori pulls away. Some of the liquid from her brown bottle spills as she does.

The leaders and leadership candidates slowly file in. They stand near the rail. It's Nate, not Max who climbs the box. From the group that files in, Eli stands closest to Tori. I wonder if that is intentional, since of the group, he is probably the one who knows her the best.

"We are here today to remember George," Nate's voice suddenly booms above the noise of the mourners, "one our best and our brightest. His end last night at the Chasm behind us is proof of his bravery and his aptitude as Dauntless.

"George was part of a new breed of Dauntless, a braver breed, a breed that faces their personal fears day after day, test after test. George faced them all fearlessly until he realized there was only one fear left to face, one fear that we must all face as our lives move steadily toward their ends. It is the last fear he or any of us have left to explore: the fear of what is after this life.

"He could not explore this fear with one of his trainers or even with leadership watching him. He could not take his sister or his friends on this journey with him. George chose to brave what happens when we die the way that we will all end up braving it one day, whether we chose the day and hour, like George did, or whether it sneaks up on us like it does to so many of us.

"George chose his last act of bravery. He determined his ending. He decided to jump into the Chasm to see what there is when this life is over. We stand in awe at his bravery. To George!" Nate holds up his brown bottle and a raucous cheer raises up from the Dauntless below.

Lance's lips form a yell, and his hand raises his bottle.

A sob escapes from Danika and she raises hers aloft, too.

Tori stands stone-faced, her lips pressed together, her hands clutched at her side. Her eyes, narrowed at Nate, have tears slowing seeping from them. I'm about to turn away, unable to face her pain anymore, when I see her mouth a single word. "Murderer…"

* * *

"Where's Tori?" I ask hesitantly before I sit down for lunch. If Tori doesn't want me around, I'm not going to force myself on her.

"She went for a walk," Abilyn answers as she tries to feed herself while holding Shauna close. Evidently I'm not the only one getting comfort from our babies these days.

"She said she won't be back until after dinner. I'm going to start working on cleaning up the apartment after lunch," Kelly explains.

"Would you like some help?" I quickly offer.

"Hana, you're still on overnights tonight. You need to get some sleep," Eli protests. He's getting to have lunch with us today because leadership training took a break for the funeral. They will resume after lunch.

"They sent me home early last night. I got some sleep then." Not much, but I did get some. Eli looks at me like he's debating his answer. "Eli, I need to do _something_ to help."

Eli looks at me and gives a small shake of his head and then changes his gaze to look steadily at Kelly. "Don't let her overdue it. She's pregnant, you know."

The start of a smile creeps into Kelly's eyes. I'm going to hear, yet again, about my over-protective husband. "He's right," Levi pipes up from his place next to Kelly. Usually he and Kelly sit with Carly, but I guess today they are sitting with us because of George's death.

Eli gives a quick nod of thanks to Levi. Kelly rolls her eyes, causing me to smile. Eli thought Kelly would be attracted to Levi in part because Levi is protective. Looks like he was right about that; maybe she won't have so much to say about Eli's protective streak this time.

* * *

I look around Tori's and Kelly's apartment in shock. They weren't kidding when they said she had broken everything. Even the hallway is littered with drawings of tattoos that Tori has thrown, and in some cases ripped and destroyed. I look helplessly at Kelly. "Where do you want to start?"

She looks as lost as I feel. "I don't know."

It's completely overwhelming. The broken bits and pieces of a life start at her door and continue as far as I can see. "We have to start somewhere."

"Let's start at the door and work our way to the bedrooms, then we'll go back to the family room and kitchen," Kelly finally decides. "I guess you're right. It really doesn't matter where we start. There's a lot of work to do."

* * *

By the time Abilyn joins us while her mother-in-law watches Shauna take her nap, we have cleaned up the hallways and are making good progress in the family room. I pick up what I believe is George's black blazer from the floor, the one that he and Tori have been passing back and forth so they have an excuse to talk to each other. "What does Tori's room look like?" I ask Kelly as I hold up the blazer. "This needs to be put in a safe place."

"Yes, it does." Tori's voice is hard. "Why do you have it?"

"I'm helping Kelly and Abilyn clean up," I reply, placing the blazer in her outstretched hand.

"We don't need your help," Tori spits at me. "You've done enough damage."

Without a word, I turn to go.

"Who let her in here?" Tori demands as I near the door.

"I did," Kelly says bravely.

"If you want the likes of her in your home, you can find another place to live before the wedding. I don't want to see her here again. Ever. Not her or Jazz."

"It's not their fault," Abilyn takes up for us. "It's not like they pushed him in the Chasm. It's not like they asked to deliver the news to you. Leadership thought it would be easier for you to hear it from friends."

"Leadership killed him," Tori states bluntly.

"Tori!" Kelly sounds appalled.

"Levi wasn't involved in it, at least I don't think Levi was involved in it, but Nate was. I'd bet money that Nate was involved in it."

"Why would you think that?" Abilyn asks.

"Nate watches his fear simulation and he dies the next day. What would you think?"

"That's not proof," Abilyn stubbornly declares.

"I... I heard something today that leads me to believe there is something more going on with it."

"What did you hear?" Kelly asks, perplexed.

"I need to think it through before I start talking about it." Tori's voice trails off.

The door closes behind me and I lean against it. Tears press against the back of my eyelids. I don't lie to myself this time and blame it on the baby. I know this is my fault. This enraged Tori who tears things up, explodes at people, and wants nothing to do with me or Jazz, is my fault. I'm the one who took her brother away.

* * *

Until the day of the fear landscapes, Tori and I miss each other at meals. I've seen her across the cafeteria eating by herself, with Kelly and Levi, with Bud. She avoids our table. When she does finally sit with us for lunch one day, she sits by Abilyn. It feels a little like the old days when I tried to avoid sitting near Jude. She wants to be with her friends, but not near me. I'm almost through eating, so I quickly finish and say my good-byes. She needs to be able to draw strength and comfort from her friends. I don't want to take that from her

As I leave, I notice the hardness that now exists in Tori's formerly kind and laughing eyes, at the bitterness that I helped to put there. I can't help but wonder if she will ever recover from George's death, or if our cheerful friend is gone forever.

* * *

"Before we introduce our newest members of Dauntless, we want to thank Harrison for his work with not only this class of Dauntless Initiates, but for the last decade he's been dedicated to making sure that we have the best-trained Initiates in any faction." Nate's voice is drowned out by the cheers, stomping feet, and clapping hands for Harrison. "We are sorry to see him leave training, but we are excited by his replacement."

Leeann has already confided in me it's not Chaz, and by the look on Abilyn's face, it's not Ben. I'm really hoping that Abilyn is using her tricks from Candor to keep her excitement and pride in Ben off her face. I really don't want the job to go to Renee.

"We had excellent candidates for his replacement. All three of them were among our top members for their class. It was a difficult decision, and before we announce the rank of our current group of Dauntless members, we'd like to announce who will begin working with Jazz starting next year." Nate pauses dramatically.

"Who is it?" Someone yells out from the banquet crowd.

"Congratulations, Renee."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Eli checks in on me when we go to bed that night. He can tell that something is bothering me.

The problem is that I can't tell him exactly what is bothering me. Keeping the secret that George is alive is harder than any of the other secrets I keep. Renee becoming a trainer scares me. How many more people are we going to have to remove from Dauntless because of that decision? "It's Tori," I answer, feeling tears sting at my eyes.

Eli folds me in his arms. "She'll come around," he assures me as he holds me tight, letting me cry on his chest.

"I just feel so guilty. I wish they would have sent someone else to tell her." I quickly add the second sentence. That's not why I feel guilty, but it is best if Eli thinks it is.

"Nate admitted to me yesterday that they made the wrong decision in sending you and Jazz. If they had to do it again, it would be Harrison and Miles, but I know that doesn't change anything."

"Just as long as they never made me do that again."

"Why would you think they would make you do that again?" Eli asks, puzzled.

There's no way I can tell him that with Renee as the new trainer and the new simulations, we're probably going to have to get more people out. I can't tell him that she seems less suspicious of this method than how we got Lucas out and that he's less suspicious than he was when we got Ava out. We'll need to figure out how to do it so I don't have to be in the control room each year, but I can see us using this method to get someone who is Divergent out again.

"I've been through those new fear simulations. You haven't." I start on the story Natalie and I discussed using, if there was an opening for me to help explain why George committed suicide. "I can see why someone would want to make sure they didn't have to face them again."

"You really think it was too much for him?"

"Can you think of any other reason George would kill himself?" I hold my breath.

Eli is quiet for a minute. "No. I've had the thought myself, and that's what bothers me. George seemed to be handling them so well. If he cracked, what will someone do who doesn't handle them well?"

"I don't know," I answer softly.

"Get in bed," Eli suddenly commands. "You need your sleep, and this is not a restful conversation."

I climb in bed, and Eli climbs in after me, holding me against his chest so I can listen to the steady cadence of his heart while he falls asleep and I remain awake, my thoughts turning wildly about my head. What will the people who don't face them as well as George do? They will live. They are normal, like me, like Eli, like Tori. No one will try to kill them, and I won't have to fake their deaths.

I place my hand on the baby, hoping to feel her kick so I can get my mind off of the day, but evidently she has beaten me to falling asleep, because I fall asleep before I feel her.

 **I am working on Tori's POV for her time away from Dauntless. I've almost got it finished, but not quite. Rather than hold this chapter back until it is finished I've decided to pubish it and do something just a little different. If you would like to see Tori's POV make sure you are either following The Blackest Shade of Gray, or it is one of your favorites. I will be sending her POV out to everyone who is Following or has Favorited the story. As soon as I am happy with it I will send it out to you.**

 **Please leave a reveiw anyway. It always makes my day to see your comments. I enjoy hearing what you think of the chapter and it encourages me to keep writing. Especially when the story hits some rough spots. Like now...**


	31. Chapter 31- Loss

**If you have Favored of Followed The Blackest Shade of Gray Tori's POV went out today. Sorry it took so long. I kept catching things in it that needed to be fixed to have it work with other parts further along in the story.**

 **If I missed sending it to you, please let me know. There are a few of you that have PM's blocked. I can't send it to you without you being able to PM. If you want to turn it on and send me a PM I'll send it to you ASAP and then you can turn it back off. Sorry.**

 **Thank you to my faithful Beta, Bahrfamily, for once again correcting my many errors in writing.**

 **Also for the next few chatpers I have a temporary content Beta, and I have no idea exactly how to thank her for being willing to relive her loss and look over what I have written to make sure this chapter and some of the following ones read true. Thank you, MrsLoey.** **You and your husband remain in my prayers.**

 **Chapter 31 Loss**

Eli won't be here for dinner tonight. He's been shadowing Jerri today, so who knows what time he's going to be done. It's the perfect time to ask Bekah the question I've wanted to ask most of the day. I put my hand on my baby and wait a few minutes, just to make sure I need to ask the question. She's still sleeping. "Bekah? How long is it normal for me to go without feeling her move? She's never been as active as Ezekiel was, but she's been calm lately."

Bekah puts her full fork down. "How calm?"

"Really calm. Much less movement than normal."

Bekah looks me straight in the eyes. "Hana, when was the last time you felt her move?"

I think about it for a minute. "I'm not sure. Last night I fell asleep waiting for her to kick, and I don't think I've felt her move all day."

Bekah stands up. "Leeann, can you and Chaz watch Zeke?"

Leeann already has Ezekiel in her arms, since she ended up with his food on her plate. She kisses the top of his head. "Not a problem."

"Let's go to the infirmary. We should check it out." She's trying hard not to look concerned. "Just to be safe."

I grab my tray and we both start to walk off. Suddenly Bekah hits her head. "My tray! You go dump yours; I'm going to grab mine, and I'll catch up with you."

The events since George's "death" have worn me down; I seem to move more slowly each day, so I agree and continue making my way to the tray return. When I get there, I turn around to see where Bekah is and realize she's still at our table, talking to Leeann. She looks over at me, grabs her tray and heads towards me. We leave the cafeteria together.

It is a quiet walk to the infirmary; when we are almost there, Bekah tries to smile at me. "I'm going to go on ahead and get everything ready."

She walks away quickly, and I'm left trying to decide if she is worried or not. I'm not too far behind her, but by the time I get there, they have everything set up. They have the heart monitor to strap to me and the kick test button out for me to push. I wonder how they plan to wake her up so we can use that.

Bekah assists me up on the table and helps me lay down. She folds my shirt up out of their way and holds the microphone to my belly. Normally they have it on so that I can hear, too, but this time she is wearing headphones with it. I watch her face. There is no way to tell what she is thinking or hearing. She is concentrating hard.

Suddenly, all I can think is that something must be wrong. I look at Bekah's furrowed brow. Something is _very_ wrong. My next thought is how much I want Eli.

I haven't been like this very long when there is a commotion at the doorway. I think I see relief on Bekah's face, and I start to relax. She must have found what she was listening for. Our little girl is okay.

"I'll be right back." She slips off the headphones and walks out of the room. After she leaves, I realize her relief isn't about the baby, it's about whoever just arrived.

I hear a whispered conversation from the doorway, and then suddenly Eli is next to me.

"What are you doing here?" I try to keep the relief from seeing him out of my voice, but I can't stop the two tears that leak from the corner of my eyes.

"You're here." He brushes the tears from my face. "Where else would I be?"

"How do you even know I'm here? You're supposed to be with Jerri."

Eli takes my hand and kisses it. "Even Jerri agreed. You're more important."

I take a deep breath. "I thought she was just resting." My voice drops. "I'm getting worried..."

Eli squeezes my hand but doesn't reassure me. That is not a good sign.

Bekah walks in about then. It's her Nurse Bekah face. I've seen her use it before. It's the one that gives away nothing. "I'm having problems finding her heartbeat. Erudite has better equipment in the hospital than I have here."

I start to move to get up. Bekah puts a hand on my shoulder. "They're sending an ambulance for you. You are _not_ jumping on a train right now. You just rest until they get here." She walks out of the room.

"Ezekiel!" I hear the edge of panic in my voice. Suddenly I'm panicked about my baby boy. I can't believe I didn't think about him. I need to know he's okay.

"Leeann and Chaz already volunteered to keep him overnight," Eli assures me. "Leeann wanted to make sure you could rest."

I can feel tears starting to form. "Eli, I'm scared," I whisper.

He holds my hand and kisses my cheek. "It's not good for either of you for you to be worried or scared. Just relax. I'm here to take care of you both."

* * *

The ride to the hospital is quiet. They have me strapped down on a bed with wheels that they refer to as a gurney. They let Eli ride in the ambulance with me, but there is nothing for him to sit on, so he squats by my bed and holds my hand. He looks slightly ill at ease. I smile my old Abnegation smile. "Have you ever gone anywhere except on a train?" Eli shakes his head. I bring the hand holding mine to my lips and kiss it. "It's safe, I promise."

Eli laughs and squeezes my hand. The young Erudite boy who is with us looks at us funny. He is probably only 17 or maybe 18 years old. I'm sure it is illogical to him that I would tell a man who has jumped on and off trains his whole life that an ambulance is safe, but I realize to Eli there is a difference. This is new and unknown. He's just not sure about it

Our Erudite companion busies himself the whole way there, checking on me. He holds my wrist and takes my pulse. He checks the read out on whatever they strapped to my belly when I got into the ambulance. Occasionally he makes marks on it, but most of the time he just looks. He even starts an IV in one of my veins. When I ask him why, he says it is standard practice in case they need it at the hospital.

Once we get there, he unhooks the machine that monitors the baby, but keeps the band that is around my belly in place. He rips the paper off it and sticks it inside his pocket, and then with a pull, the bed I'm it moves and the legs get long enough to reach the ground without me changing heights.

They take me straight into a room with curtains in place of one wall. "Sir, you'll need to wait outside." A female nurse steps between us to block his way.

My eyes fly to Eli. I don't want him to go.

"No." His voice is low and commanding. "My wife, my baby. I'll stand against the wall, I'll stand out of your way, wherever you put me, but I stay with my family."

The nurse looks at him for a second. She is taller than me and slim, but she's still a foot shorter than Eli and has nowhere near the muscle. She seems to make her decision. "You can stay against that wall," she points to a wall with nothing on it, "out of our way, but if you get in our way, I will have you escorted out." Her voice is firm.

I look over at Eli and can't help but wonder how many Erudite it would take to do that. She may be bluffing. I'm not sure they have enough staff at the hospital to do it.

Eli nods. "Thank you." He kisses my cheek and moves to the exact place she pointed to.

She busies herself with me, hooking me back up, taking my pulse, listening to my heart, putting a cuff on my arm she says is to take my blood pressure. Everything is about me. She's totally ignoring the tape that comes out from the machine.

Finally I can't handle it anymore. "Why are you fussing with me? What's going on with my baby?"

She wraps the stethoscope around her neck. "Hana?" Her voice is questioning and she looks at me to make sure she has my name right.

"Yes," I confirm.

"Hana, we're trying to figure out what's going on with your baby." She takes a deep breath and pulls on her earlobe a couple of times, and then she speaks softly, hesitantly, like she's telling me something she's not sure she should be. "Babies don't go a day without moving. We're trying to figure out why she has."

My eyes fly to Eli. His face is a mask. There is no reaction.

"Is she okay?"

The nurse says nothing.

I see her name tag on her chest. "Allison, is she okay?" My voice is desperate.

Allison takes a deep breath. "I don't know. You'll have to wait for the doctor to come in and tell you more." She takes a look at the monitor that is turned so only she can see it. "I think the doctor will be here soon."

She pauses with her hand on the curtain. "Sir?"

Eli looks away from me, at her, for the first time.

"While we're gone, you can go sit by her. When we get back, we'll need you to move back against the wall so we have better access again." She disappears behind the curtain before Eli can even thank her. Eli resumes his position next to me and takes my hand. I pull it next to my face. I want his arms around me. I want him to make me feel safe.

"Have you had anything to do with Natalie recently?" His eyes bore into mine.

"What?" I wonder where this came from. I was very careful when we got George out. I don't think he suspects I had anything to do with that. I can't think of anything else we've done together since Norton's death that he is aware of and that was months ago.

"If this nonsense with Natalie is what put you here," he mutters between clenched teeth, "you are done. Do you understand me?"

I close my eyes. "This has nothing to do with Natalie. Since Norton's death we've just communicated by my tablet. I'm not done," I whisper back.

I hear a loud sigh out of him. "Why is it so important? Why can't you just tell me what is going on? What are you two up to?"

I am more tempted to tell him the whole truth than I have been since our first fight. The stress of keeping the secret about what really happened to George makes me long for someone I can confide in, but if nothing else, we are at Erudite, the faction Natalie thinks is behind everything. "Not here, not now," I whisper.

Eli closes his eyes and shakes his head. "That's what you always say."

* * *

The doctor comes in and introduces himself as Doctor Anthony. He is efficient, meaning he checks things and leaves without telling us anything. Eli keeps his end of the bargain and moves to the wall when he comes in. As soon as the doctor leaves, he is back next to me. "Why can't they just tell us what's going on?" I ask him.

Eli shakes his head. "I don't know."

We've been there an hour when Doctor Anthony comes back again. This time when Eli goes to move out of the way, he waves him back to his place next to me. The doctor pulls up a rolling chair and sits at my other side.

"I'm afraid I don't have much for you, and what I do have isn't good." He takes a deep breath. "We can't find the baby's heartbeat."

"What does that mean?" My voice is hesitant. I know what it means. Deep inside I know what it means, but I won't believe it until I hear him say it.

His blue eyes are kind, but sad. "It means…" He clears his voice like it is as hard for him to say as it is for us to hear. "It means that the baby has died."

A sob tears from my throat, and the first silent tears of loss spill down my cheeks.

Eli holds my hand tight. "Everything was fine at her last appointment. What happened?"

Doctor Anthony shrugs. "I don't know that yet. After we deliver him-"

"Her," I automatically correct.

Doctor Anthony smiles sadly. I guess he's right. It doesn't matter now if he gets it right or wrong. "After we deliver her, we can do an autopsy and find out. Is that what you want?"

Eli speaks for both of us. "We'd like to know what happened to her, and what the chances are of it happening again."

Doctor Anthony continues, "We have a couple of choices. We can start labor now, or we can wait for your body to do it naturally."

"How long will it take for her body to do it on her own?" Eli asks for me.

"I don't know. Labor could start on its own today or it could take two to three weeks."

"I can't do that," I whisper. I know I can't carry her for two or three weeks, knowing she's dead, and still keep my sanity. "You know for certain she's…" I bite my lip, unable to bring myself to say the word.

The doctor nods. "We've run every test we can."

I look over at Eli. He nods his understanding. "We'll do it now." He looks at me for a second then back at the doctor. "You can give her something so it won't hurt, right?" I know he's remembering Ezekiel and the fact that I wouldn't take anything for the pain.

"Of course. We'll give it to her first."

"Thank you." Eli's voice is soft.

I put my hands over her, wanting to protect her from this, but it's too late. She's already moved beyond this.

* * *

They take Eli away for a few minutes while they get me ready. At Eli's insistence, they give me something for the pain before they even start the Pitocin, the drug to start my labor. Eli sits by me, holding my hand and trying to talk to me about anything besides what is happening. He finally gives up when he realizes I have withdrawn into myself. I have no desire to talk to anyone, not even him.

Suddenly, I feel like I am back in the fear simulation, the first one, the one where I was outside the Amity fence. My heart is pounding, racing so fast I can hardly catch my breath. I wish that's what this was, that I am just in a bad simulation. I grab Eli's hand. "Something is wrong." I barely get the words out. I put Eli's hand on my chest so he can feel the pounding of my heart.

In an instant, he's on his feet; it only takes him three strides to cross the room and stand in the doorway. "Nurse!" he calls into the hallway. "Get in here! Something is wrong!"

* * *

It doesn't take them long to realize I am one of the few women who is allergic to Pitocin. There will be no starting labor for me. They turn off the machine, hoping my body will take over from here, but it doesn't. We wait half the night, but when my contractions stop, they stop.

"We have two options," Marion begins. When she found out I was here, she told the other midwife that she would stay with me. "You can go home and wait for the contractions to start on their own." She must see the panic on my face. "Or we can call in Doctor Anthony in the morning and you can deliver her by C-section."

"Can we have any more children if we do the C-section?" I question her.

Marion smiles gently. "Yes, you can even have a natural birth, as long as you wait at least six months between babies this time." She shakes her finger at me.

I turn to Eli. "It's your call," he answers in response to my look. "I'm not the one they will be cutting open, or the one who will have to carry her."

"But you're the one who's going to have to see the scar and..."

Eli puts a finger on my lips. "Hana, you should know by now, I love you. That doesn't matter to me. You," he leans over and softly kisses my forehead, "are what matters to me."

"You trust Doctor Anthony?"

Despite the seriousness of what is going on, Marion gives a small laugh, her blue-grey eyes twinkle at me. "I do. He is my son, after all."

* * *

Doctor Anthony asked if we wanted to see her. I'm unable to speak, but Eli can see the longing in my eyes and lets him know that yes, we want to hold our daughter. So after she is born, they clean her up, they wrap her in a black blanket, and they hand her to me. She's so very tiny and so perfect. I can hold her in my two hands. Eli can hold her in one. I hold her close, memorizing everything about her. I touch her cheek. It is cold and smooth. I pull back the blanket enough to find one of her hands. I think back to Ezekiel. I remember how small, how tiny his fingers looked. They were huge compared to hers.

Eli hesitantly touches the top of her head. "She looks like her mommy." His voice is choked with emotion.

To me, it is hard to tell who she look like. "Why do you say that?" My voice no more than a whisper.

"Because she's perfect."

One of my tears falls on her cheek, and I kiss it away.

"She's our little Angel," Eli says reverently. "They need a name for her birth certificate. Angel Pedrad."

It's not a question, but I know he's asking me. "Mommy loves you, Angel." I lean in and kiss her tiny forehead.

"Daddy loves you, too, Angel." Eli leans in and kisses her, then me. "Both of you." Eli says something else to me, but I don't hear what he says. I just look at Angel, our little Angel, and try to memorize everything about her.

* * *

Taylor and Abram stopped by, I think. I'm vaguely aware of their forms, and voices murmuring with Eli. When I was a young child, I had an ear infection; both ears were stuffed with cotton. It reminds me a little of that. I know that someone is talking, but it takes too much effort to concentrate, too much effort to try to figure out what is being said. So I lie there, and stare at the ceiling, tears slowly spilling from my eyes as I mourn for my baby.

* * *

Eli and I are alone. He holds my hand and brushes back my hair. His mouth moves. I respond to him, but two seconds later, I have no idea what we said to each other. He kisses my hand. His lips move again. I'm not even sure if I respond. I'm not even sure he said anything.

* * *

Eli is asleep on the chair beside me. I'm glad he can sleep. I wish I could. Every time I move, every time I start to drop off, I realize she is gone. I didn't know one person could cry so much. I want my baby back.

In the end, there was no need for an autopsy. The umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her neck told the story. I feel the tears stinging at my eyes again when the door opens up and a nurse comes in wearing her blue uniform. Her hair is covered with a surgical cap. Her face is covered with one of the masks they wear. It's her eyes that give her away, those bright green eyes that bring me momentarily out of my fog. "Natalie?" I whisper. She pulls down the face mask and smiles a sad smile at me. "What are you doing here?"

"I found out you were here," she whispers and brushes a lock of hair away from my face. "I wanted to come check on you." She is quiet for a minute. "I'm so sorry."

I press my lips together to keep the sob from escaping. I don't want Eli to wake up. He needs his sleep, and I don't want to find out how he will react to Natalie being here.

"What happened?"

I shake my head. "I noticed she wasn't moving and…" I can't finish the sentence.

Natalie squeezes my hand.

"Natalie," I take a deep breath, "the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. It strangled her. If Eli can make it so that anything we do is linked to this, he's going to make me stop."

Natalie smiles at me. "If Eli can make a link from what we do to this, _I'm_ going to make you stop." She glances at the clock on the wall. "I have to go; the doctor might be making rounds soon. I don't want him to see me."

"Since when have you worried about people seeing you?" I try to tease, but my voice just sounds sad.

Natalie pulls the mask back up. "Since your doctor hates me."

"Why does my doctor hate you?" I'm puzzled. I can't even figure out why my doctor would even _know_ her.

"Since I married his son. He blames me that Andrew and his brother left Erudite." She opens the door and is gone.

 **To all my readers who told me you were looking forward to watching Baby Girl Pedrad grow up… I'm sorry. For those of you who also write, the following will make perfect sense. For those of you who Beta or correspond with an author** **,** **this may sound familiar. For the rest of you… I promise, I'm not insane.**

 **When I started working on the early chapters of Dauntless Gray** **,** **I sat back and looked at Hana. She really didn't match the small snippets Veronica Roth wrote.**

 **"** **Did losing Eli change you so much?" I asked Hana.**

 **"** **It changed me, but not that much,"** **came** **her** **gentle reply.**

 **I tried to make her more serious.**

 **"** **No, don't change it** **. Y** **ou are right. When I came to Dauntless I was happy. I had friends."** **She laughed.** **"** **No one would have been afraid of me back then."**

 **"** **Did losing Eli change you so much?"**

 **"** **It wasn't** ** _just_** **Eli."** **Her voice was so soft I barely heard her.**

 **"** **Who else was it?"**

 **Hana clammed up. She wouldn't talk about it.**

 **I wrote Hana the way she was and waited for her to tell me who or what changed her.**

 **In the end, it wasn't Hana who told me. It was Eli. You'll find out later (when we catch up to a spoiler that was written very, very long ago) how Eli told me.**

 **Hana opens up about her daughter in pieces. I've concentrated more on her pregnancy this time than I did with Ezekiel, because this is the only time she had with her.**

 **Timing was important on this one, too. There were several things that had to balance. She needed some recovery time from Ezekiel's birth. She had to be far enough along when the baby died to know the gender (because both Hana and Eli agreed they knew they were having a daughter), but also early enough not to mess up Uriah's birth.**

 **I eventually found it linked with George's "death". We'll see Tori and Hana both in mourning, but they will handle it** ** _very_** **differently.**

 **Statistically, they say one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage, although many times it is so early in the pregnancy that the mother doesn't even know she was pregnant. A still birth (which is what Hana actually experienced) is defined in one place as a baby who shows no sign of life, after a pregnancy of at least 20 weeks gestation or weighing 400 g or more, occurs in 0.74% of births. I picked the way Hana's baby died because when I was in elementary school, a neighbor had a baby die this way, my aunt had a baby die this way, and my daughter was born with her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. God was watching out for her. She is a happy healthy child. I am blessed beyond measure.**

 **To any of you who have gone through this, you have my sincerest condolences. I can only imagine the pain you have gone through, and in no way do I intend to make the pain of the loss of a real child less by having a fictional character experience it. This loss will continue to be a part of her life, just like the loss of your child continues to be a part of yours.**

 **A couple of years ago** **,** **I read "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie Smith's story is different from Hana's. She was pregnant with a child she was told wouldn't live long after birth. It is a remarkable book about one woman's/family's journey through the loss of a child. I have purposefully not reread the book since realizing Hana is going to be on this journey. Any similarities between how they each handle the loss of their daughter are due to the impact the story made on me all those years ago and are not intentional.**


	32. Chapter 32 - Needing Help

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I know it was the rough one and I appreciate you letting me know that even though it was a rough one that you are still there.**

 **Also, thank you for ALL the reviews! As of publishing this The Blackest Shade of Gray jas 405 reviews! Dauntless Gray didn't break 400 until AFTER I had started this story! Thank you for letting me know what you think of each chapter you take the time to review. If you review you _KNOW_ I READ EVERY SINGLE ONE!**

 **Sorry this one is a little late. Bahrfamily _and_ I each had one of those weeks. Hopefully we can get back on track!**

 **Thanks (again and again) to Bahrfamily for getting this worked into a busy week.**

 **And to MrsLoey for continuing to double check these chapters to make sure I'm on track with Hana's reactions.**

 **Characters**

 **Dr. Anthony (mentioned) The doctor that delivered Angel (We found out he's Marion's son- she delivered Zeke- and Andrew Prior's father. in the last chapter.)**

 **Chapter 32**

Eli wakes slowly, stretching from his cramped position in the chair he finally crashed in last night. He looks around the room, puzzled at first until he sees me in the hospital bed. He stands up, leans over me, takes my hand in his, and kisses my cheek. "How are you?"

I bite back my initial reaction of, how do you think I am, knowing my voice will be harsh, and instead focus on the physical, instead of the emotional, since that is easier to deal with. "I'm sore."

"I'll have them give you some pain medication." He turns to leave, but I don't let go of his hand.

"I'm already getting it." I point to the IV dripping into my arm. "It's not unbearable."

Eli sits on the edge of the bed. "How are you?" he asks again.

I try to smile. "I already told you. It hasn't changed in the last thirty seconds."

"Hana, our daughter died yesterday. How are you doing?" His voice is almost stern, but tinged with worry.

"I don't know yet." I fiddle with the sheets, unable to look him in the eye. "I'm still having problems believing it's real."

"I know." Eli's voice is tender. "It seems like it should be a bad dream."

I nod in agreement, not trusting my voice as tears spill from my eyes. Eli's strong arms encircle me, pulling me close, holding me tight while I cry.

* * *

Leeann and Chaz bring Ezekiel with them when they come to visit me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say." Leeann tries to hold a wiggling Ezekiel. Eli won't let me hold him. He's afraid he'll kick me.

"There's nothing else to say," I assure her.

We sit in an awkward silence for a little while. "I feel like it's my fault," Leeann admits softly.

For a moment, I'm speechless. How can it be her fault? It's _my_ fault. My fault because of George. I'm the one who traded his life for my baby's. "How could it be your fault?"

"I know it can't really." She kisses Ezekiel's cheek. "But when you were pregnant with Zeke, I used to wish something like this would happen…"

"Leeann, wishing something like that," I feel tears stinging my eyes, but I push them back, "didn't kill Ezekiel, and it didn't kill our little Angel either."

"Angel?"

"Eli finally came up with a name last night." A tear slips from my eye.

"Angel." Leeann has tears in her eyes, too. "It's perfect."

* * *

Before they leave, I see Leeann pull Eli to the side. "I don't care what Nate says. That's not happening." Eli is trying to keep his voice down, but he's angry and doesn't completely succeed.

Leeann's voice is too soft for me to figure out what she says.

"That's still not going to work. Hana should be home, but I'm not leaving her like that." His voice is emphatic.

Leeann says something else.

"I'm not kidding, Leeann."

"I know you're not." I can finally hear Leeann's response. "And I agree with you."

"I know I'm disappointing you."

I see Leeann give a small shake of her head. "You'd be disappointing me if you agreed. I'll tell Nate tomorrow."

"Thank you."

* * *

I wake up after a brief nap to find Jazz sitting by me, and for the first time, Eli's not in my room. "Eli?"

Jazz smiles softly and takes my hand. "Rais and he are talking and leaving us alone while we talk."

"Okay…" I'm puzzled by why they would want to talk to us separately like this.

"How are you?" Jazz asks.

"I'm okay." If I don't feel like pouring out the pain to Eli, I'm certainly not going to burden Jazz with it.

"Don't lie to us." Jazz's voice is firm. "Don't lie to Eli, and don't lie to me."

My anger and bitterness bubbles up to the surface. "Why not? No one else needs to suffer."

"Hana, other people are suffering. Eli is suffering. His baby died, too. Taylor's and Abram's granddaughter died. They may not be going through it physically, like you are, but other people feel your loss, too," Jazz reminds me in a sterner voice than I am used to hearing from her. "And I have a better idea of what you're going through than you realize." Her voice is now incredibly gentle. "Do you remember when you asked about why we were missing from breakfast?"

"When Amar was learning to dress himself?" I'm puzzled by the reference.

Jazz tries to smile. "We didn't miss breakfast because Amar was learning to dress himself. We missed breakfast because I was having problems with morning sickness, and we weren't ready to tell everyone. Amar was just a good cover." I look, puzzled, at Jazz. This doesn't make any sense. It wasn't that long ago, and yet it was before I found out I was pregnant. Jazz continues, "I had an early miscarriage."

"I'm sorry."

Jazz gives me a small sad smile. "I am, too, and I'm sorry you know what it feels like to lose a child, too."

* * *

I'm not allowed to jump on a train, so getting home from the hospital isn't as easy as for us as it is for the other factions. There is no regular bus service to Dauntless, and we obviously don't know anyone with a car, so we have to wait until there is a doctor or a therapist or someone else headed to Dauntless so then we can ride with them. It takes an extra day to get home, because there wasn't anyone going to Dauntless the day I should have left.

That extra day is hard. I get up and move, walking the halls like they want me to, but all I really want is Ezekiel. Right now all I want is my baby. I realize he's not the baby I really want in my arms right now but… he's the only one I can have.

Since Doctor Anthony is my doctor, he's the one who releases me when they finally have the transportation available for us. He's the one who hands Eli a simple, unadorned square wooden urn. "Her birth certificate isn't ready yet, but I thought…" He clears his throat and tries again. "I thought you would like to take her with you."

The unending tears filter through my lashes while Eli gruffly thanks the doctor and takes the small wooden urn. This isn't the homecoming I imagined, but at least we are all coming home together.

* * *

Taylor is in the apartment, watching Ezekiel, when we get home. Ezekiel is taking a nap in his crib. I keep her hug short; although part of me wants to pretend she's my mom and cry in her arms, the part of me that needs to see Ezekiel is stronger.

I stand there and watch him breathe, thankful each time I see his chest move. He looks like he's grown a foot, but I'm sure that's because part of me is comparing him to how tiny she was. Eli stands next to me with his arm around my waist. I wonder if he's feeling the same way. Part of me wants to ask him, and part of me doesn't want to bring anything up that would remind him of our loss, in case somehow he's managed to forget it, for even a moment. My hand slips to my flatter stomach. I can't forget, but if he can and can escape the pain for even a moment, I don't want to take that from him.

* * *

"We have it all worked out." Taylor tries to look at us, but her eyes keep straying to the wooden box Eli placed on the table. "Someone will always be with Hana."

"That's not necessary," Eli interrupts his mother. "For right now, I'll be with Hana."

"Eli, I know you…" Taylor starts softly.

"No," Eli interrupts her forcefully. "I'm not leaving her, not right now." His arm, which is already holding me close, pulls me tighter.

"Eli," Taylor tries again.

"We're not discussing this anymore." Eli cuts her off.

"Would it help if someone at least came by every day, just to help with things around here so you can concentrate on each other and Ezekiel instead of meals and laundry?" Taylor changes tactics.

Eli looks over at me and kisses my temple. "We would appreciate that. I don't want to poison Hana with my cooking."

There is an attempt at a laugh from Taylor. We're all quiet for a few minutes. Her eyes keep straying to her granddaughter's urn. I close my eyes against the tears that are forming as I remember Jazz telling me that Taylor is hurting, too. I can't handle my pain, let alone think about hers. "Kayla asked me what your plans are for a funeral." Taylor breaks the silence.

"We haven't talked about it." Eli's voice is soft. I feel Eli move, like he is checking on me. "I think Hana's asleep. She didn't sleep well at the hospital. I don't want to wake her up." I fall asleep listening to Taylor and Eli discussing who is going to help us with what over the next couple of weeks. Normally it goes against my upbringing to let anyone do anything for me, but right now, I don't care.

* * *

Sleeping quickly becomes my favorite escape. When I am asleep, she is alive. I dream that I'm still pregnant. I dream of what it would have been like if she had been born. In my dreams, my arms are full. In my life, my arms are empty. Usually I wake up with tears in my eyes as I remember once again that she is gone. It is much easier to sleep than it is to be awake.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I could play with Ezekiel, take comfort in my baby boy, but since I had the C-section, I can't pick him up. I can at least hold him when we snuggle in bed at his nap times.

I wake up from one nap to Ezekiel babbling and Eli holding the box of her ashes. "Eli! Be careful with that."

Eli sets her box down on my dresser. "I can't handle it being in the family room," he admits as he sits down on the bed by Ezekiel, who he picks up and hugs close, kissing the top of his head. "What do…" He clears his throat. "What do we want to do?" Eli sits on the bed by me.

I sit up in bed, looking from Eli to Ezekiel to the box. "I'm not ready to let her go yet," I admit softly. "She was so small, so tiny. I can't bear the thought of her being alone."

Eli sits next to me, holding Ezekiel between us so I can touch him. "I know. The thought of not being able to watch over her…" Eli blinks hard, trying to keep me from seeing the tears in his eyes.

"Can we just keep her with us for now?" I finally ask softly. "She can stay on the top of my dresser."

"Until when?" Eli's voice is anguished.

"Until we're ready, or one of us dies," I say, suddenly inspired. "When one of us dies we'll mix the ashes together and…" I can't finish the sentence as I find myself praying it will be my ashes and not Eli's that hers will be mixed with.

Eli leans in and kisses the back of Ezekiel's head and then my lips. "I don't want to outlive you," he confides.

"I don't want to outlive you, either," I admit. Then I look at Ezekiel. "But I'd rather outlive you than another child."

* * *

"I'll be the bad guy, Eli. You don't have to be." I wake up to Jazz's voice. "She can't stay in bed all day. It's not healthy for her, and you two have been back almost a week. You need to come to at least one meal."

"She's not ready to, Jazz. I've asked her," Eli explains patiently. He has. He's asked me. He's begged me. He's tried everything short of going to a meal without me, to get me to go to the cafeteria.

"She'll never be ready. She'll never want to show up without her baby, to have people ask her about it, but she needs to. She needs her friends. It's time. Whether she wants to or not, it's time she rejoins us."

I lie there, thinking about what Jazz said, while Eli continues to argue for me. Deep down inside, I know she's right, that I need to get out of this apartment. But I don't want to leave the safety of it. My friends have come to see me here. No one wonders if they find me crying. No one makes me talk if I don't want to. Leeann has come over here more than once, tried to talk to me, talked to Eli about something, played with Ezekiel, and left without me ever saying a word to her.

"Get up." Jazz stands in our door way. "It's been a week. You need to rejoin the land of the living."

"Jazz, I can't face the questions," I whine. "I'm not ready for that."

Jazz crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. "Hana, all you're going to do is eat dinner with our friends. They all know what happened already. You've seen and talked to Angie when she's brought you meals. Bekah's been here to check up on your healing. Leeann has been here every day. Who's asked you the questions you can't handle?"

I'm quiet, not wanting to admit she's right. No one has asked me questions, and every one of them, even Leeann, has let me talk about whatever I wanted to. They have let me face it, or more often avoid it, as it works for me. Jazz sits there patiently, waiting for my answer. She isn't going to let me off the hook, so I answer her, "No one." I look at her for a moment. "How do you do it?"

Jazz gives me a sad smile, and sits down on the bed by me. "I won't pretend I know exactly what you are going through. No one ever asked me any questions about my miscarriage, because no one knew. It's been a lonely secret to keep. Most days are a little better than the day before, but some days are harder. Like when one of your friends announces she's expecting." There are tears in her eyes. "Like when you find out her baby died, too."

I find myself doing the most amazing thing when she says that. I reach over and hug her. Not because I feel like I should, but because I want to comfort her, like she's comforting me.

"Hana, none of our friends want to hurt you like that, but we miss you." She stands up. "You need the support of your other friends, too. Time to get dressed. You're coming to dinner."

* * *

The only time it was harder to walk into the cafeteria was the night Eli and I got engaged, back when I was worried about Leeann's and Jude's reactions. Facing Jude tonight would be preferable to facing everyone without my baby.

But Jazz is right, and deep down I knew she would be. Eli and Jazz sit beside me. I get the impression they are here to protect me in case anyone accidentally says the wrong thing. The people I haven't seen, like Abilyn and Ben, keep their condolences are brief. Everyone comments on how glad they are to see Eli and me, and how good it is to have everyone together again.

But not everyone sits together. I see Tori seated across the cafeteria with Kelly, Levi, and his family. "Is Tori still avoiding us?" I ask Jazz. It's a topic only slightly less painful than my loss.

Jazz takes a deep breath and for a brief moment I think she's going to deny it, but even though she didn't transfer from Candor, the truth wins out. "She hasn't sat here when I am here since George died."

"How is Tori doing?" I look over and watch her take a swig out of the brown bottle in her hand. I notice that even when she sets it down, her left hand still touches it, like it will comfort her. I wonder if it helps, if it takes away the pain for any amount of time.

"Hana, don't even think about it. It doesn't really help."

"What?" She can't be reading my mind.

"It doesn't take the pain away. In fact, it makes it worse." She leaves it at that and returns to our original conversation. "Tori is not good. I ended up in the elevator with her yesterday. She couldn't even look at me. She kept making a fist over and over again. I wish I knew how to help her. She's never far from her bottle." Jazz sounds disapproving. "And she is angry."

"At us?"

"At everyone. She goes around muttering about George being murdered."

"She doesn't think we murdered him, does she?" I'm hoping Abilyn isn't paying attention right now, because I'm afraid I sound guilty.

"No. At least, I don't think she blames us. Nate seems to be her main target. She's convinced that when he saw how fast George was at the simulations, Nate got worried that Dauntless would start choosing leaders like Erudite do, only instead of IQ, they would base it on how fast you get out of simulations." Jazz gives a small laugh. "Like we'd follow Erudite's lead on anything."

* * *

"He wasn't a coward, and he didn't jump!" Tori's voice echoes in the Pit as we walk back from dinner to our apartment in the Pire with Jazz and Rais. I follow the sound of her voice and see her standing near the Chasm, close to where we made it look like George jumped. She hurls herself at the purple-haired boy who evidently made a comment about George. Eli passes Ezekiel off to Jazz, who juggles Amar's hand and Ezekiel until I take Amar's hand from her. Both Rais and Eli rush towards Tori to pull her off of the unfortunate soul who probably didn't even realize who he was standing next to when he said that.

Bud is there before either of them can get close enough, and he grabs her in a bear hug from behind. "Calm down, Tori."

"I won't calm down!" Tori thrashes in an attempt to get away from Bud. "He said George…"

"I know, I heard." Bud's voice is calm and soothing. "But those of us who knew George know he wasn't. You can't worry about those who are ignorant of what he was really like."

The purple-haired boy sees his chance and quickly slips away. Tori stops fighting for a moment, then suddenly wrenches herself away from Bud. "You need to do something about this temper you're developing," Bud calls after her as she leaves.

* * *

The next morning when I wake up, Eli is already out of bed. I decide it's time to put one foot in front of the other one. Dinner went okay last night. It felt good to be with our friends. I get dressed before I go out to join him.

Last night, for the first time, I was able to forget. No, not forget. I don't know how or when I will ever be able to forget, but last night I was able to remember that I am blessed. I still have Eli and Ezekiel. Ezekiel is crawling towards Eli. My eyes close and for a moment I picture what should have been: Ezekiel toddling on unsteady legs while Angel crawls after him. I force my eyes open. Reality. I have to face reality, and reality is that I still have Eli and Ezekiel. "Have you had any breakfast?" Angie brought us a bunch of muffins that Eli's been working his way through. I've choked down one or two when Eli has made me, but I'm not hungry these days.

"No. Do you want me to grab you a muffin and make you some tea?" Eli's voice is hopeful.

I take a deep breath and force myself to take the next step forward. "I thought maybe we could have breakfast in the cafeteria."

* * *

Kelly and Levi join us for breakfast. "It's so good to see you." Kelly smiles at me when she sits down.

"It's good to see you, too, but are you sure you won't get in trouble with Tori for sitting with us?" I remember Tori's rant the day I tried to help clean the apartment. I don't want Kelly to get kicked out the apartment because she sits with us.

"She's never up this early anymore," Kelly says wearily. "She drinks until almost dawn, ranting and plotting revenge. She doesn't get up until afternoon."

"That bad?"

"That bad," Kelly confirms. She's quiet for a moment, then softly asks, "How are you?"

"Doing better than Tori, I guess." I try to avoid really answering the question.

"Good morning!" Jazz's musical lilt rings. "It's good to see you."

I smile weakly. "I'm trying."

"Good for you." She sits as close to me as possible, which is a few seats away from me.

The morning chatter washes over me. I don't really catch what anyone else is saying. I'm here. They are going to have to be content with that for today.

I'm not sure why it happens. Maybe I heard a scrap of conversation; maybe I was just looking around and noticed there were other people missing. Eli and Levi sit with us, but there isn't another person from leadership training, or leadership, in the cafeteria.

Suddenly, I realize that Eli hasn't left my side except for when he and Rais went for a walk and to allow Jazz to stay with me. What is going on with training? How much longer are they going to give him to stay with me? Surely it isn't going to be much longer, not when they are trying to cram a whole year into six months. My heart starts to race at the thought of Eli leaving me.

"Hana?" It's only when Eli puts a gentle hand on my arm that I realize I'm trembling.

"I'm fine," I lie and try to smile at him.

"Hana." All Jazz has to say is my name, and I remember her telling me at the hospital not to lie to Eli or to her.

"Why are you and Levi missing the Leadership breakfast? Don't you need to get back to training?" I could kick myself for being so self-absorbed that I missed the fact he has been missing training.

"You haven't told her?" Levi says disbelievingly.

"When was I supposed to do that?" Eli answers.

"Tell me what?" I vaguely remember a half-whispered conversation between Leeann and Eli where Nate's name was mentioned.

"Our guys have their priorities straight." Kelly is the one who answers my question. Her voice an odd mixture of disgust and pride.

I feel my eyebrows pull together in confusion. "What?"

"They told Eli he needed to be back in training the day after…" Her voice trails off, not sure of how to refer to what happened. "While you were still in the hospital, and then they decided that he had to be back within two days or they were kicking him out of the program." Kelly sounds like she is reciting a well-known fact, not announcing the fact that my husband got kicked out of Leadership Training because of me. "He had Leeann tell them they didn't have to kick him out. He quit."

"Eli!"

"It's not just Eli." Kelly is proud. "Levi quit when he found out. He told them that he was getting married and that he wouldn't leave his wife like that either, and if that is what they expected from someone in Leadership, to abandon their family during a crisis, he didn't want to be part of it."

I feel tears streak down my face. "You quit for me? Eli, you…"

His finger on my mouth stops me from saying more. He pulls me close, hiding my tears in his shoulder, shielding me from everyone else. "I quit for us. I couldn't stand the thought of being away from you."

"But it's my fault…" I mumble into his shoulder.

"How is any of this your fault?" Eli whispers in my ear. "You did nothing to cause any of this to happen."

"I lost the baby. You quit training because of me."

Eli's hands wrap around my upper arms, as he pushes me just far enough to look me in the eyes. "Hana, losing the baby was _not_ your fault. Me deciding to leave Leadership Training was _not_ your fault. I do not want to hear you blaming yourself, do you understand?"

I nod, hoping that Jazz doesn't count nodding as lying, since I didn't actually say anything.

* * *

Another week passes in a blur. I know I make it to most meals, but I'm not sure what I eat. Nothing tastes like anything recognizable. Not even what Angie claims is a Dauntless Cake that she made just for me tastes different from anything else.

Jazz comes by and talks to me every other day to see how I am doing, and Rais takes Eli for a walk on those days. I'm grateful for their care and concern, thankful that Eli has Rais to talk to, and that I have Jazz, but most days I can't tell you what Jazz and I talked about ten minutes after she leaves.

She makes a surprise visit one day when I made myself fall asleep to avoid Eli. It was either fall asleep or cry. My crying is wearing on Eli, I can tell. So I close my eyes against the tears and let myself find that place where I'm kind of awake, but mostly asleep, where I can pretend that she's alive.

"How much is she sleeping these days?" Jazz quizzes Eli. I miss his response, but I hear Jazz's. "Eli, if she's keeps sleeping this much, I think you need to consider sending her to Amity. It's not normal that she's sleeping this much, There's a good chance that she's becoming depressed. I saw one of their counselors for a while; I still do, occasionally. I think you need to consider sending her to Amity. Seeing one of their counselors might do her a world of good."


	33. Chapter 33 - Amity

**Thank yous go to Bahrfamily (of course) for her help in editing and letting me bother her with real life. And to MrsLoey for again looking over this chapter to make sure Hana's emotions work.**

 **Thank you all for the positive reveiws. I know this is a rough ride right now. It's been hard to write, too. I'm glad you liked Jazz's part in this. I decided Hana and Eli shouldn't have to go this alone and they worked out the best to be there for them.**

 **And as for JackieJune's predection...you'll have to keep reading to see if she is right.**

 **Chapter 33 Amity**

"I have a big favor to ask you." Natalie knots her fingers together. "The problem is, I'm not sure how to make it work without involving Eli."

After losing the baby and Eli mentioning that he thought what I did with Natalie might have had something to do with it, I'd like to avoid involving Eli if that is at all possible. I swallow hard. "What do you need?"

"I need you to come to Amity with me. I'm going to tell the Bur…" She cuts off the end of the word. "I need to meet with my boss on the other side of the fence, and I'm going to be gone for several days."

"Why do you need me there?"

"I've done this before, but this time…" Natalie pauses like she is choosing her words carefully. "This time, I'm going to do something that will upset David, my boss. There's a slim chance he might try to have them give me the memory serum after I tell him. I want to have someone on my side on Amity Patrol to make sure no one does."

"But I'm not on Amity Patrol," I protest.

"I know that, and you know that, but trust me, by the time it is all over, you'll be the only one from Dauntless to realize that."

"I'd just stay in Amity?"

"Most of the time," Natalie admits slowly.

"Most of the time?" I parrot back.

"When I cross back in, I'll need you to come out to the boundary with the actual Amity Patrol."

"The boundary?" I picture the snarling creatures chasing me in my fear simulation. I know right now I can go to Amity, and Eli won't even suspect anything, but still I bite my lip. The problem is that I don't want to cross the Amity fence and I _really_ don't want to go out to the boundary. Remembering my first fear simulation is enough to make my heart start pounding. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself I am Dauntless and push my fear aside. "Jazz told Eli that she thinks it would help me to talk to an Amity counselor. I've been trying to avoid it, but I'm sure they would both be happy if I changed my mind."

Natalie bobs her head in the automatic way Abnegations say thank you. It may just be the first time I feel like I've seen her take on the ingrained habits of Abnegation. There is part of me sorry to see her start to behave that way without thinking about it.

* * *

I give myself a mental pep talk to prepare myself for when Eli sits down next to me after he puts Ezekiel down for the night. I miss putting Ezekiel to bed, but I'm still not quite healed enough that I'm allowed to carry him. I hope to be able to do so soon. "Jazz talked to me about Amity again today," I start softly after he draws me close.

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment. "Hana, I wish you'd at least consider it."

"I told her I'd go."

"You can't keep going on like this. You really need to…" His voice trails off as he realizes I just agreed to it. He sits there for a moment, stunned, like Jazz was, that I finally agreed. "Thank you," he says softly.

"You know the counselor will probably want to see both of us. Jazz told me that she talks to both her and Rais, sometimes together, sometimes separately."

"Rais told me that, too." Eli confirms as he reaches for me and holds me tight. He whispers in my ear, "He even told me it did him a lot of good, too."

* * *

The windows are everywhere and let in light from every direction. I avoid the couch. I'm not crazy, after all. Instead I wander around, looking out of the windows, taking in the view of row upon row of apple trees in the orchard. It's a very calming and peaceful scene, and for one moment I find myself wondering if Jude, who _was_ crazy, ever took in this view, if she ever stretched out on this couch, if it was _my_ counselor she saw in the futile attempt to help her with her anger management.

"Hana, what are you so nervous about?" Eli's voice breaks in from the easy chair he's seated in.

"I'm not nervous."

A small smile crosses his lips. His normal grin seems to have been replaced by this smaller version since Angel died. "Sure you aren't. That's why you've worn a hole in the flooring."

I look down at the wooden floor. "It looks fine from here," I answer seriously. I intend for my tone to be joking, but it doesn't come out that way. "I'm sorry," I apologize for my tone. "I guess I just thought about it and got worried that I'm going to see the same person Jude saw and…"

"It's not the same person," Eli assures me quickly. "We're seeing a grief counselor. Jude saw an anger management counselor. I checked with Rais to make sure we wouldn't see the same one."

I smile back at Eli. "Thank you." It didn't even cross my mind that it was a possibility until after I agreed to this. I'm still not happy with the fact I agreed to it, but it was the only way I could see for me to come and spend time in Amity like Natalie needs me too without telling Eli what is going on.

Eli stands up and strides over to me. He wraps me in his arms and holds me close. "You didn't think I'd check into who we were going to be seeing, did you?"

"I didn't think about it myself until right now," I admit softly.

"We're seeing the same lady Jazz and Rais see," he assures me.

I move up on tiptoes to kiss Eli and he wraps his arms around me, leans down, and lifts me slightly off my feet so our lips meet.

"Now that's a sight I like to see," a soft voice that reminds me a little of Jazz's tone says from the doorway. Eli gently puts me down and we pull back slightly. "I'm Lois." She smiles at us.

"I'm Eli and this is my wife, Hana," Eli introduces us.

"Have a seat." Lois points to a small grouping of three seats close to the window. After we sit down, Lois turns to us. "I'm serious that it was good to see you two kissing. So many couples who have a baby die end up taking it out on each other, and their relationship suffers."

"Hana and I had just come through a rough spot shortly before this happened." Eli takes my hand. "We learned not to take each other for granted and that we need to talk."

"That might help." Lois smiles. "Your relationship is important. You can come out of this stronger or broken. My goal is that you end up stronger."

Eli grins. It's the closest thing I've seen to his normal wide Pedrad smile since Angel died. "I like that goal."

"I want to talk to each of you separately and together. Eli, do you mind if I talk to Hana first?"

"Not at all." Eli stands up, then leans over and kisses my forehead. "I'll be outside the door." I watch him walk across the room and out the door.

"So," Lois waits until the door closes before she addresses me seriously, "are we going to actually talk about your baby that died, or do you just need me to say you have to stay here for a week?"

My mouth drops open, "How…?"

"Natalie," Lois states simply. "Amity is the keeper of secrets. The fact that Natalie alone crosses the boundary and comes back without us ever giving her the Abnegation Serum is just one of the many secrets we keep."

* * *

After I assure Lois that I even though I don't necessarily want to, I really am willing to talk about and deal with Angel's death, she speaks to Eli. She suggests I wait outside in the orchard while they talk. She tells Eli it's more peaceful there and since there is a chance their conversation will be longer, I might enjoy it more. She's already told me that she will recommend to him that I stay here for a week and when he mentions - and he almost certainly will mention - that Jazz didn't, she's going to point out that my stillbirth was much further along and that no one would have understood Jazz disappearing, since we didn't know she was even pregnant, and that if I stay here, it will be more intensive and more helpful for me. I guess the good thing about this is that since she informed me she is serious about the intensive part, I'm going to have plenty to do while I'm in Amity. I'm not going to get bored.

* * *

It's hard to say goodbye to Eli when he leaves to go back to Dauntless, but he needs to go home to Ezekiel and back to work for the week I'm going to be here. Besides, since I am part Natalie's "Amity Patrol", I have to walk out to the boundary with her when she leaves tonight for wherever it is she goes.

* * *

In the early evening light, we walk past the orchards without speaking. "Normally the full Amity Patrol would come out with me, but since getting Marj out became an unexpected emergency, they didn't have enough people scheduled for it. They decided to cancel it and let me do this crossing alone, well, except for you. Are you going to be alright here?" Natalie asks softly, so Marj, the Divergent we are taking with us, can't hear us.

As we walk past the silent greenhouses, I assure her, "I'll be fine. I like Lois, my counselor. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing for me to do. If it helps me to move forward," I take a few steps without speaking, "it may be worth it."

"I hope it is. Then I won't have to feel guilty for selfishly asking you to come here and leave your family for me." Natalie smiles and nudges me with her arm.

I give a rare laugh. "I'd hate for you to feel selfish."

* * *

After we reach the edge of Amity, Natalie and Marj leave me. Natalie assures me this is where we'll meet up again with a full Amity patrol in a week. I walk rapidly back towards Amity. The sun is starting to set and the pounding of my heart reminds me that I have no desire to be anywhere outside once it is dark. By the time I get back, the sun is all but gone in the sky. I head back to the safety of my assigned dorm room instead of the cafeteria. I'm not that hungry these days, and I don't want to be outside in the dark, just in case my fear simulation is right and there are monsters out late at night.

I check out the small, functional room. There's a wooden bed and a dresser. Evidently the Amity like to gather together, or else this room is reserved for people like me who stay here for counseling but don't need to be locked up, like Jude. There is nothing to do but think, and it is too painful to think. So I climb into bed.

I miss my little boy and my husband very much as I curl up in a lonely bed. If only Angel was still alive, if I was still pregnant, Natalie would never have asked me to do something like this. I would have no excuse to leave my family and come to Amity, if she was still safe inside me. I curl up in bed and clutch my pillow, burying my face in it to muffle my sobs, and I cry. Everything would be different if she hadn't died.

* * *

Lois is busy first thing in the morning, and it will be mid-morning before we can have our first session. I don't know what else to do, so I go back to my room, but after a half hour of nothing to do but think about Angel and Eli and Ezekiel, I give up and lay back down on the bed, crying myself to sleep.

"So what did you do this morning?" Lois asks me when we finally meet.

Without thinking I tell her the truth. "I went back to my room and slept."

"Why?"

"I didn't know what else to do. I miss Eli and Ezekiel, and thinking about them makes me think that if Angel hadn't died, I wouldn't be here. I didn't want to think about that anymore so I tried to sleep."

Lois's lips purse together. "Have a seat. We'll talk about that later. First we need to start with the stages of grief."

Lois informs me there are five stages of grief. As we talk, she decides that I have rushed straight to depression and stopped. From what I have told her, my denial didn't last long. She thinks that, due to my not feeling her move that day, plus all the tests and waiting in Erudite, I had subconsciously started to process the fact that she was dead before they told me. Anger, I seem to have skipped. She said for me not to be surprised if I circle back and hit it again later. Depression seems to have a firm hold on me. Lois tells me there are medicines she can and will give me if I need them, but she wants to try to get me through this without the medicine first.

"And the fact that all you did this morning is sleep, is the depression talking," Lois tells me. She gives this a moment to sink in. "Hana, I'm not saying you're wrong to miss your husband and son. I'm not even saying you're wrong to miss Angel, to wish that your daughter was still alive. What I'm saying is that you can't just lie down and sleep your way through this. You have to realize you are alive. You have to decide to get through it and be willing to do the work to get through it. Some people need help. That's what your family, friends, and sometimes the medication is for. There are some people out there that no matter what they do or anyone else tries to do for them, they need the medications to help them. There is nothing wrong with that. For some people medication is a temporary help; others will need it for the rest of their life."

"Do you think I need to go on medication?" I ask softly.

"I don't know yet, but if all you do when we aren't talking is sleep," Lois looks very pointedly at me, "then yes."

"I'll find something to do besides sleep," I promise her as I get ready to leave. "I had no idea before I came in here that anyone could talk so much about themselves."

"You were raised Abnegation, weren't you?" she asks with a laugh.

"Yes," I confirm. "How did you know?"

"Only an Abnegation, or former Abnegation, would make a comment like that."

I think about it for a moment, smiling my Abnegation smile as I realize she is right. "I guess that is a give-away."

She hands me a sheet of paper as I start to walk out the door.

"What is this?" I ask, looking over her neat handwritten page.

"It's a list of things for you to do beside sleep until our group session this afternoon."

* * *

Looking over Lois's list, I decide to start with something simple. I can do simple. The easiest thing on the list is to be out in the sunshine. When I leave her office, I wander through the orchard, hoping that even though it is partially in the shade, it still counts as being in the sunshine.

"Come back here." A young girl's voice floats down to me.

I shield my eyes and look up in the apple tree that I'm standing near.

A young girl, about five years old and wearing yellow and red plaid over-all shorts with matching ribbons in her tightly braided dark hair, stands on one branch, holding her hands out to a grey and white cat perched on the next branch up. She quickly grabs at it. The cat meows pitifully. "Well, if you didn't get stuck in trees, I wouldn't have to pull you out like this," she explains reasonably to it. With one hand cradling the cat and the other holding the branch above her, she bends down and lets the cat jump down to the branch next to her. Then she herself sits down on the branch. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you. Unless you're going to start figuring out how to get yourself down, you're going to have to stop climbing trees," she lectures it while she pets it. When she looks down at the tree, she must see me, because she starts and then says, "You're Dauntless."

I crane my head up and shield my eyes to see her better. "Yes, I am."

Her legs swing back and forth. "We don't see too many Dauntless. What are you doing here?"

For a moment, I pretend the little girl is dressed in black. It's easy for a moment to pretend that it is Angel who sits perched on the tree branch. I blink back a couple of tears as I remember Angel will never climb a tree.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is immediately contrite. "I'm not supposed to ask. It makes some people sad." She pauses for a moment. "Are you seeing Auntie Lois?"

"Yes." I am surprised she knows who I'm here to see.

"She's not really my aunt, but she's good friends with my mom, so I get to call her Auntie Lois instead of just Lois." Her hazel eyes twinkle for a moment. "Auntie Lois is nice. I like her, but usually her patients are sad."

I press my lips together, trying to turn up the ends in a smile. "Does she help them to be happy again?"

She motions me closer to her tree and grabs her cat. "Yes." She hands me her cat and suddenly she drops so she is hanging upside down from her knees. "Auntie Lois almost always makes people feel better."

"Almost always?" Suddenly I'm worried I'll be one of the ones she can't help.

"Auntie Lois says sometimes people don't really want to feel better, and she can't help people like that. No one can," she ends simply.

I make a mental note of this, sure this precious little girl is right. I need to make sure I am willing to take Lois's help. I don't want to go around in this fog of loss forever. "That's good to know."

* * *

Doing something productive is another item on Lois's list, so I look for something to do after the group session. According to Lois, Jazz sometimes comes to the group sessions, but she wasn't here today. I'm hoping she'll come at least once while I'm here. I have about an hour and a half to fill before Eli shows up to talk to Lois and then we'll both talk to her. There is a small green house, not too far from the end of the train line where Eli will arrive. I walk in, wondering if there will be someone there who can give me something to do while I wait for my husband.

"There she is! There she is, Daddy! My real-life friend from Dauntless!" I hear the excited voice of my little friend from the orchard.

"Slow down, Pumpkin, I don't think she's going anywhere," he laughs as she pulls him across the greenhouse.

I can't help but smile as I watch her grab her father's hand and drag him over to meet me.

* * *

My time with Eli is too short. He's with Lois longer than he is with me.

But he needs a chance to talk, too, I remind myself. I've seen Lois two times today already without him.

"I miss you," I tell him as we hold hands and walk towards the train that will take him back to Dauntless and Ezekiel. "I miss Ezekiel, too."

"He misses his mommy," Eli admits. "He crawled all over the apartment last night when I got home, and I swear he was looking for you."

I try to smile. "Who has him now?"

Eli chuckles. "Mom _and_ Leeann."

"Why does it take both of them?" I ask, concerned that something is wrong.

"Nothing is wrong." Eli is quick to reassure me. "Mom wanted to take him shopping for some new outfits and Leeann insisted on going with her.

I shake my head and allow a small smile to reach my lips. "I bet they come back with more toys than clothes."

"That's a given."

* * *

Lois is booked for most of the morning, so after a lonely breakfast in the cafeteria, I start my day looking for something productive to do. Being productive, helping out, is one of the things Lois put on my list yesterday. I remember my little friend and the greenhouse her father worked in. Summer break is winding down, but I wonder if she will be there under his watchful eye. I realized last night that I am probably attracted to her since she's Jillian's age. I wonder if they are in class together. I wish I could figure out a way to ask her that wouldn't make her suspicious about why I am asking.

Sadly, the green house is empty of people. I move on to the next closest one to see if there is anything there I can do there. This next greenhouse next is hydroponic. There are lettuce and other green plants growing in the water system. This greenhouse has several people working in it. Thinking I recognize one of them as my new friend's dad, I walk over. He turns around and smiles when he sees me. "Hello. Good to see you again."

"Could you use some help?" I ask cautiously. "Lois suggested I find something productive to do until my meeting with her today."

Suddenly, there she the little girl is running to me. "Hello! Did you come to see me?"

Her dad leans in as she heads towards us. "Do you mind taking her to the orchard to meet her mother? I'm supposed to do that, but one of the pumps is down."

"I'd be happy to."

* * *

My little friend takes me to the orchard near where Lois works. "Mom's on break, too, but she still has to go in from time to time," she explains as she climbs the tree.

"Is she a counselor, too?"

Finding her branch, she sits on it with her back to me. Her head turns to see me. "At the school. Some of her kids come here during the summer. Since I'm in school, too, I can't go in with her. I'm not supposed to know who sees Mom." She suddenly lets herself fall so she is hanging from her knees again.

"What are you doing?" A tall woman who I'd guess is about ten years older than me walks up to my little friend.

"I'm talking to my Dauntless friend." Even upside down, I can see her smile.

The woman walks up to her and holds the little girl while she helps her down from her upside-down position. "I was talking about the fact that you are upside down, Pumpkin." She sets the girl down on her feet.

"The world looks different that way. I like it."

"It does, but Daddy told you not to hang upside down," the woman reminds her.

"Daddy is working in the greenhouse today. He didn't see me," she explains patiently.

The woman, who I'm guessing from the matching hazel eyes is her mother, looks at her pointedly. "Sophia."

The world spins for a moment at the young girl's name, and I look at her just a little closer. Her hazel eyes are familiar, as is her forehead. I look at her mother, looking for traces of the family to make sure I'm right. "Tami." Her name falls from my lips unintentionally.


	34. Chapter 34- Tami

**We don't seem to run into the need for book quotes that often these days, but there is going to be a discussion about the Aptitude Test. This quote is why it is a different one than the one Tris and her friends went through.**

 ** _"_** ** _Sit," Jeanine says. Her voice sounds familiar, especially when she is irritated. Her liquid gray eyes focus on mine._**

 ** _"_** ** _I'd rather not."_**

 ** _"_** ** _Sit," she says again. I have definitely heard her voice before._**

 ** _I heard it in the hallway, talking to Eric, before I got attacked. I heard her mention Divergents. And once before—I heard it…_**

 ** _"_** ** _It was your voice in the simulation," I say. "The aptitude test, I mean."_**

 **So, if it was Jeanine's voice in Tris's aptitude test, Hana and her contemporaries HAD to have taken a different test.**

 **Thank you for MrsLoey for looking over this chapter, too. And to Bahrfamily, who sticks with me through it all and continues to help me out by correcting my mistakes in each and every chapter.**

 **Also, there is a POV if you review at the end of this chapter. Tonight may turn out a little crazy. (I had a car accident today), but I'll get you the POV just as soon as I can.**

 **Character reminder- okay so I was mean and left this off of the last chapter, but… I guess you can say I just wanted to see if anyone caught the significance of who Hana was talking to. And most of you did! Awesome job remembering who Tami was. I almost left it off with Sophia, but her mention was so brief... (and when MrsLoey read the chapter she asked me who Sophia was) I figured I better end with Tami instead.**

 **Just in case you don't remember who Tami is.**

 **Tami- Eli's older sister who transferred to Amity**

 **Sophia- Tami's youngest child**

 **Chapter 34 -** **Tami**

Tami looks at me for a moment, searching my face for the trace of some child she hasn't seen since they grew up. "Sophia," her voice is low and soothing, "you can climb back up your tree as long as you don't hang upside down."

Sophia smiles and scampers up the closest branch, and Tami motions for me to follow her. After we are out of Sophia's hearing, she takes a step closer to me. "Should I know you?" Her voice is low and reminds me of Taylor's.

I shake my head and then answer softly, "I transferred."

"Then how do you know who I am?" She's genuinely puzzled.

I open my mouth to answer her, trying to figure out the best way to tell her I'm her sister-in-law. It had never occurred to me that while I'm staying in Amity I could run into Tami, so I am unprepared for what has just happened, and instead of giving her a well-thought through and rehearsed answer, I stutter out a response. "I…I… you aren't going to believe me, but I'm Hana…Pedrad."

Tami stands there for a moment, shocked. When she does start talking, she babbles. "I never checked the papers for either of them. They were so set, so sure. I mean, Leeann, I looked for Leeann, of course I looked for Leeann. She and Chaz, well, everyone knew it would happen sometime. I was even there and saw them get married, but we were never close so I didn't bother to say hi to her, I stole a moment with Dad and Mom, but... Who? Which? Nick? No, he was too set on not getting married. Leeann decided they shouldn't have kids. Nick's the one who decided they shouldn't even get married. Eli? No, you aren't Eli's type." She barely pauses, but quickly decides, "And yet, maybe you are. I mean, I can see Eli giving in before Nick."

I interrupt her babbling. "I'm married to Eli."

"Eli's married? Eli's married." There is wonder in her voice, and she smiles at me. It's not the Pedrad grin. It's Abram's smaller smile. "I have a sister-in-law!"

"Are you two through talking?" Sophia's bored voice breaks into our conversation. "I want someone to climb with me!"

"We better pay attention to her, or she'll get suspicious. Sophia is a very curious child," Tami tells me.

We walk back to the tree. I try to smile at Sophia, my niece. Since she sees me as Dauntless, I realize she's never going to believe that I've never climbed a tree before. When I was a child and came here on service projects, they didn't let us climb trees. And despite of the fact that I am Dauntless now, there are no trees for me to climb, but I did climb a statue once upon a time. I give a genuine smile at the memory of climbing up the Picasso statue so Eli wouldn't throw a snowball at me. I reach up and grab a limb like I watched Sophia do earlier, but I quickly draw my hand back when I feel the pull in my abdomen. "I'd better not."

"Why not?" Sophia looks genuinely puzzled.

"I had surgery recently." I don't want to tell her what kind of surgery I had. "I haven't been cleared to climb trees yet." I look at Sophia, wondering how much Angel would have looked like her older cousin.

"Why are you sad?" Although I was watching her, it didn't dawn on me that she was climbing down until she stands next to me.

"I was thinking about my baby who died." I hear Tami's stifled gasp as I kneel down so I am closer to the Sophia's height, still searching Sophia's face for the traces of our shared family. I decide that they wouldn't have looked too much alike. I don't see too much of the Pedrads in her.

She reaches her hand out and touches me in sympathy. "That must have been awful. I'm so sorry."

I close my eye and take a deep breath, hoping to keep from crying. "Thank you." I don't tell her that, yes, it has been awful.

Suddenly two small arms hug me, and I hug her back, wishing she was my Angel instead of my niece.

I look up at Tami. "My husband will be here in about thirty minutes."

Tami nods her acknowledgement that she heard me, but with her daughter here, she says nothing.

* * *

After a whispered consultation with her husband, Tami drops Sophia off with him again. "It won't be for long, Pumpkin. I discovered this afternoon that there is something I need to take care of really quickly." Tami hugs and kisses Sophia and heads out with me.

"Eli's going to be surprised." I smile.

"Not half as surprised as I was!" Tami laughs, then suddenly she becomes very serious. "You said your baby died."

I press my lips together, fighting tears, and nod. "She was a stillbirth just over a month ago."

"And Eli..." Tami trails off.

I have a feeling she's not quite sure how to ask about how Eli is handling it. She would have been around enough to know Nick's, Leeann's and Eli's earlier opinions on marriage and children.

"Eli's handling it better than me, but... he was really looking forward to a daughter. We already have a son."

"Eli is a dad?" I see a couple of tears spring to her eyes.

"Eli is a wonderful father."

* * *

Tami decides to hang back and let me meet with Eli alone before I bring him over to her.

Eli holds me close and kisses me. It feels so good to be in his arms. I know our time together is short, and I don't want to share him, but in less than a week I'll be home with him. So, I can give Tami a little time with her brother. "Guess who I met today?" I ask when we break our kiss.

"Who?" He doesn't seem too worried about who I met. His lips touch mine again.

I pull back just enough to tell him. "Sophia and her mother."

He pulls away from me, shock on his face. "You met Tami?"

"She's waiting to see you."

* * *

"Mom checked with Auntie Lois and you can!" Sophia announces to me as soon as she sees me the next day.

"I can what?" I ask, puzzled.

"You can come to our house for dinner tonight instead of eating in the cafeteria." She claps her hands together and jumps up and down. "You can see Mom and Dad again and meet Willow and Fluffy and Jimmy." She screws up her face at the last name.

"Who are Willow and Fluffy and Jimmy?" I smile. Whoever Jimmy is, he is definitely the least favorite of the group.

"Willow and Fluffy are my cats. Jimmy is my big brother."

I laugh. The cats rank above the brother. I realize again how structured, how stifling Abnegation was. I can't imagine putting an animal in front of my brother for importance. That would be selfish.

* * *

"Mom! Hana and I are here!" Sophia loudly announces our entrance into their small home.

I look around at the cheerful sunlit room. "Hana." Tami appears through a doorway that must lead to the kitchen. "I'm so glad you can join us." I try extra hard to return her hug and not stiffen up. Hugs seem to be the preferred greeting in Amity, like the head bob is in Abnegation and the handshake in Dauntless. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you more," she whispers in my ear.

I smile at my sister-in-law. "Thank you for inviting me."

"Thank Sophia. She's taken a real liking to you." Tami places a hand on her daughter's head.

"Thank you, Sophia." I kneel down and hug her.

Sophia hugs me tight. My eyes start to fill with tears again, but it's a different loss I'm thinking of this time. She's about Jillian's age. I have two nieces and neither of them know I exist. I think about what Natalie told me, how there are just families, not factions, on the other side of the fence, and I think about how wonderful that could be.

* * *

Sophia shows me around until dinner. She takes special pleasure in introducing me to her cats. Her favorite one is a gray and white striped cat named Fluffy who is obviously pregnant. "I can't keep the kittens. They are all going to need homes."

Jimmy, "the most awfullest big brother ever," turns out to be an eight year old who is all boy. He pulls on his sister's pigtails and makes comments about hurting her cats that I can tell he would never follow through on. He has Eli's eyes, and reminds me quite a bit of his uncle in the way he teases his younger sister.

* * *

After the kids are in bed, Henry, Tami's husband, excuses himself to go check on the pump that was down in the greenhouse. I wonder if he really needs to check on it, or if he's just giving Tami and me sometime alone.

"So why did you come to Amity?" I ask Tami after Jimmy and Sophia have been asleep long enough for it to be safe to question her.

Tami takes a deep breath. "Promise not to tell Mom or Dad."

"I promise." Now I'm really curious.

"Leeann. But not the way it sounds, and not the way Mom especially would take it. Leeann and I fought like cats and dogs. She was so… self-centered, so…spoiled, so…"

"So Leeann," I finish for her.

Tami laughs at my observation. "Exactly. I guess you've gotten to know her since you married Eli."

It's my turn to laugh. "I was in Leeann's initiation group. I met Eli because of Leeann."

Tami makes an exaggerated face showing she said the wrong thing. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, it's the truth. Leeann may be my best friend, but…" I think about her behavior during my pregnancy with Ezekiel, "I've experienced the wrath of Leeann when you go against her. She wasn't happy when she found out I was pregnant with Ezekiel."

"Ezekiel." Tami tries out the name. A puzzled look crosses her face. "I thought Eli said his name was Zeke."

I laugh. "Ezekiel was shorted to Zeke by Leeann, who, after ignoring me my entire pregnancy because she didn't think we should have kids, melted the first time he opened his eyes and looked at her, then christened him Zeke."

"She was always certain that none of us should have kids. She wouldn't even come see me the entire Visiting Day I was there with each of the kids."

"She's come around," I say softly. "She loves Ezekiel."

Tami laughs. "And she renamed him. She does have a tendency to get her way, doesn't she?"

"Especially when it comes to Nick and Eli," I agree, thinking of how I used Leeann to get my way with Eli once, back when we were dating. "So, how was Leeann the reason you came to Amity?"

"I learned from my relationship with Leeann that I can be brave enough to try to make peace with people, but I wanted to be around people who enjoyed the peace. I did everything I could to make peace with Leeann." Tami shakes her head. "In the simulation, when the two people were arguing, what did you do?"

I laugh. "I got in between them and stood my ground. The Amity person administering my test told me that at first she thought I was Abnegation because I put myself in harm's way, but when I was the one to take the second swing, after one of them hit the other… well, she told me I was definitely Dauntless, not Abnegation."

Tami nods approvingly. "I got in between them and started softly talking to them. I calmed them down by keeping myself calm and just getting them to compromise. The Abnegation woman who did my test told me I was the first person she'd ever seen with an Amity result to get physically in between them, but other than that, I was a textbook Amity. Evidently only Dauntless get in between them when it looks like they are going to fight. Abnegations, according to her, usually wait until the first punch is thrown and then step in between them to take the second punch. Anyway, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out Dad came from here…" She breaks off and covers her mouth with her hand, thinking she's let the cat out of the bag.

"I already know about Abram," I reassure her.

"Really?" She sounds amazed.

"Eli and I found out the same day I found out that you exist. Taylor made a comment that I wasn't the first transfer in the family. I knew from Leeann bragging about the Pedrads starting the zip line and her l desire to keep her mom's last name that it wasn't Taylor who transferred. I was between Abnegation and Amity as to where Abram came from, but Amity won out," I admit.

"I can see how you would guess Abnegation for Dad. I have to admit I was very surprised to find out I have family here," Tami confides. "Even after I told Grams how set the boys were against getting married, our grandma always checked the wedding lists for Eli and Nick. She must have died the year before Leeann got married. If she had still been alive when Eli did…" There is a short pause. "Oh, well, we can't change the past."

* * *

"How's it going?" Jazz asks as she slips into the seat next to me at the group grief session Lois has me at.

"Better than I thought." I admit cautiously. I know that I shouldn't tell her about the family I've discovered here.

"Good." Jazz squeezes my hand. "Everyone misses you."

"I've only been here for four days," I protest.

Jazz's musical laugh is soft and cheerful. "Hana, face it, our friends like you."

* * *

Eli never lets go of my hand as we talk to Lois together. It's like he needs the tangible reassurance that I am here with him as much as I need to know that he is here with me. Eli meets with Lois first. I'm not quite sure what they talk about. My time with Eli is too precious to ask him, and when I asked Lois, she told me they don't discuss me and we aren't going to discuss him.

Our sessions together start simply, the two of us catching up on our days. They seem to focus more on me telling Eli how I've been doing, or what I've learned that day, but he seems to be more relaxed after he's heard how I've been. I have a feeling he's still worried about me, but I know I'm feeling and doing better, and Lois says that it shows when I'm talking to him.

"What was the hardest thing about your day?" Lois asks me. She already knows the answer, but since I didn't share it with Eli, she's going to force my hand.

I look pleadingly at Lois. I don't want to tell him about that.

"Hana," Eli's voice is soft and pleading as he pulls on my hand so I'm facing him. When I am, he takes both of my hands in his. "Tell me what happened today."

"I wasn't prepared, that's all." I try to shrug it off as being nothing and really, it wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time it shook me.

"Hana," Lois's voice is firm, "I'm not always going to be there, and yes, you'll have Jazz around, but you have to be able to talk to Eli more than Jazz."

I take a deep breath before I start. "Someone came to lunch in the cafeteria with their new baby." I look around the room, avoiding Eli's eyes while I clear the tears from my eyes. "I had a few problems with it," I admit when I can finally look at him with dry eyes.

Eli tugs on my hands and pulls me into his arms. He holds me tight. "Babies are hard on me right now, too," he admits.

"You both need to realize that neither of you are in this alone. Both of you are going to have good days and bad days. Don't assume the other one isn't going to feel it. Don't think the other one doesn't want to hear about your pain. Don't shut each other out. Remember, above everything else you two have to keep talking to each other." Lois pauses to let that soak in. "Like, have the two of you discussed having more kids?"

"I don't want Zeke to be an only child, but I'm nervous about the idea," Eli admits.

I look at him, shocked that he feels the same way.

"Hana?" Lois asks me.

"I feel the same. I want to, and I don't want them too far apart in age, and Eli wants a daughter…"

"Hana," Eli interrupts me. "I've decided that son or daughter doesn't matter so much after this. A healthy living baby is all I want next time."

* * *

"Hana." Lois's voice is low.

I struggle to sit up in bed. Why is Lois waking me up? Have I reverted back to sleeping all the time? But when I open my eyes, I can tell the sun isn't up yet. My heart starts pounding. Is Amity being attacked by what the fence protects us from? Is something wrong? "What's going on?" I ask, suddenly wide awake.

"Natalie is coming back early. They've sent out an Amity Patrol. They have standing orders not to give Natalie any of the Abnegation Serum, but you're here to make sure they don't do it. Natalie was supposed to be gone another two days. I'm not quite sure what it means that she's back today." She stands up. "You have about ten minutes to get dressed."

As Lois leaves the room, I quickly get up and find my way to the closet. I pull out the outfit hidden in the back of it: the black cargo pants and tank top with a long sleeved thin shirt over it to protect my arms: the Amity Patrol summer uniform. As soon as I'm dressed, I head out to the hallway where Lois is waiting for me. "Do we know why she's coming back early? Was a full patrol coming to meet her planned?" I ask in a loud whisper as we head out.

"I don't know why she is early, and yes, a full patrol was always the plan," Lois confirms. "We were going to talk about what you needed to do the day before she came back, because I wanted you to focus on your time with me instead of Natalie until then."

I stop, suddenly aware that if Natalie is back, that means I can go back to Dauntless. As much as I miss Eli and Ezekiel I'm not sure that I'm not ready to go back. I want to finish my time with Lois. I want to be more healed before I go back. "Do I go back to Dauntless or do we finish?" I'm surprised by how desperate my voice sounds.

Lois turns and faces me. "That choice is yours. I'd like to see you stay. I'd like to see you come to the grief support group, like Jazz does, when you're able to, but I can't make you do either."

* * *

Lois takes me to the office of the spokesperson for Amity. Lois perches on the edge of his desk. "Hana, this is Jarrod. He's the spokesperson for Amity and my husband. Jarrod, this is Hana. She's here for grief counseling, and she's Natalie's escort."

"Nice to meet you." Jarrod holds out his hand Dauntless-style. As we shake hands, he continues, "Lois has already told you that Natalie is headed back early, right?"

"Right. Do _you_ know why?" I ask, concerned.

"No, I don't." He hands me a vial with a small amount of a clear liquid in it and then sits next to Lois, putting his arm around her. "Natalie confided in us that she was worried about this trip, that there could end up being some repercussions from the outside. This is not really Abnegation Serum. There are standing orders that Natalie never gets the Abnegation Serum, but I don't trust one of the members of this Amity Patrol. There's something… I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't trust him. No one should mention the vial when it comes to Natalie, but if he does, I'll let him know that you already have it."

I put the vial in the top right pocket of my cargo pants. "So, what am I supposed to do?"

"If everything goes right, you'll walk out to the meeting point with the other two members of the Patrol and pick Natalie up. You'll all come back here. Natalie will disappear. When it's time to deliver the Abnegation Serum to the Amity Patro, Lois will pick you up before I give it to them, and you go back to your room." He looks at Lois.

"And as long as you want to finish out your week, you stay here. If you want to go home…" Lois shrugs, "you go home. I'll figure out what to tell Eli."

"I'll finish out my week," I assure her.

Lois smiles. "I was hoping you would pick that."

"What happens if things go wrong?" I ask hesitantly.

"They'll want to give Natalie the Abnegation Serum. You give what I gave you to Natalie. That vial is just water, so it won't affect her at all," Jarrod assures me. "If Lois has an emergency and can't make it, I'll give them their drink with the Abnegation Serum in it and have you leave without a drink while they are in the fog of memory loss."

"Wait! The Abnegation Serum is the same as the Memory Serum?" I question.

Jarrod looks at me oddly. "What do you know about that?"

"Natalie gave me some in case I ever got caught being somewhere or doing something I shouldn't be." I lower my voice. "I had to use it once."

"So you know what it can do," he says seriously.

"Yes, I know what it can do." I think about the hour it took Max to take on the false memory I gave him.

Lois glances at her watch. "They should be here soon." She jumps off the desk and gives her husband a quick peck on the cheek and then turns to me. "I'll see you in a few hours when you get back."

* * *

"Hana!" Rais's surprised voice catches me off guard. "What are you doing here?"

I look from him to Jarrod and back to Rais just in time to watch his partner walk into the room. Zane. Really, of all the people on Amity Patrol it's Rais and Zane that I end up with?

"You're third person couldn't make it," Jarrod covers smoothly, like he already had it planned out in case I knew them. "Hana was already here, so we pulled her to help, just this one time."

Zane eyes me up and down suspiciously, like he doesn't think it's a coincidence that I just happen to be here. " _Why_ are you here?"

I take a deep breath before answering. I've gotten better about being able to say what happened, but he still makes me uncomfortable and I desperately wish it was someone other than him that was with Rais. "I'm here recovering after a stillbirth."

Zane looks at me in shock. "You were pregnant?"

I hadn't thought about the fact that he might not have known. I thought I was far enough along that everyone knew. "It was a little girl," I say softly, fighting against the tears welling up in my eyes as I remember Angel in my arms. How beautiful and how tiny she was.

"I'm sorry." Zane sounds sincere. He turns to Jarrod. "There's two of us without Hana, she doesn't really have to come, does she?"

Jarrod's face is friendly, like someone from Amity should be, but at the same time I can tell Zane is the one he doesn't quite trust. Or maybe I'm just reading my own prejudice against Zane into it, and I assume it is him since I've never been too comfortable around him and I know Eli would trust Rais with my life. "She does," he answers simply.

Rais looks at me and winks. "Let's get going. The night isn't getting any younger."

Zane turns around in the doorway. "What about the Abnegation Serum?"

"Hana has it. I gave it to her while we were waiting for you," Jarrod answers looking at me and not Zane.

* * *

We walk with Rais in the middle. Zane tried to put me in the middle, but I found an excuse to put Rais in between us early in our walk. Rais seems to know that I did it intentionally and as much as I can tell he would feel better with me in the middle, he lets me stay beside him.

The unfamiliar sounds make me jump at first. The three of us don't talk on the way out like Natalie, Marj, and I did and when I dropped them off. Rais quickly starts telling me what the different sounds are as we hear them. A noise that sounds like rustling grass and breaking twigs he tells me is a rabbit running away from us. A grunting noise that startles me he tells me are something called deer. He tells me they are similar to the cows.

The scariest noise of them all is the one that reminds me of the half-human animals in my fear landscape. It almost sound like an animal saying "who" as we walk by. He tells me it is a bird, called an owl. I try to relax and convince myself that none of the sounds are beasts out to get us, but it is hard and I stay close to Rais.

* * *

Natalie and I walk back a few paces behind the guys. I can tell Rais isn't one hundred percent in favor of the way this is working out, but I don't want to be in the lead. Being behind the guys feels safer to me, and Natalie and I want to be able to talk, so they take the lead.

Natalie is not very talkative. She seems to be withdrawn inside herself. Her mind is not here with us. So I let her walk in silence, responding when she speaks to me and not trying to keep the conversation going when she suddenly trails off in silence. "I won't be going back," she finally whispers to me when we are almost to Amity.

"Oh?" I don't know if I should ask why she's not going back, so I leave it up to her to tell me if she wants to.

"I think I finally crossed the line with David this time, and I don't care."

"Hana," Zane looks over his shoulder as he talks to me, "this is the point where you need to give it to her."

"Okay."

He stops and turns around so he can watch me.

I undo the pocket I put the vial Jarrod gave me into and turn so my back is to Zane. "Do you trust Jarrod?" I ask softly as I pop the top on the vial as loudly as I can.

Natalie gives the barest of nods and takes the vial from me. She holds the vial to her lips and tips her head back. She hands me back the empty vial. I turn back around so Zane can see it is empty and pocket it.

"Jarrod gave you her story, right?" he asks me.

I remember weaving a new memory for Max. "Yes," I lie.

Satisfied, he turns around starts to walk off with Rais. Twigs crunch sporadically under their boots. Natalie slows down and I match her pace as we allow the guys to get ahead of us. Natalie scrunches her forehead into a puzzled look, just in case Zane turns around. "What happened?" I whisper to her.

She gives me a long look as if she is trying to decide if she's going to tell me or not. "I told David that I'm not coming back, not ever. Andrew and I are starting a family. I can't keep making the trips."

I stop in my tracks and then quickly step to catch up with her before anyone but Natalie realizes I did. "You're pregnant?" I ask shakily. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear that.

"Not yet," Natalie assures me, "but I hope to be by this time next year."

 **If you would like Tami's take on her meeting with Eli, leave me a review and as long as are signed in to your Fanfiction account and can receive PM's I'll send it to you as soon as I can.**


	35. Chapter 35- Handprint

**Thank you all for the reviews of the last chapter, and the comments about Tami's POV of seeing Eli. I enjoyed seeing what you thought of both of them.**

 **Right after I wrote Tami's POV I wrote another one originally thinking it went with this chapter, but it turns out I was off a chapter. It went with the last chapter, too!**

 **So, stay tuned at the end of the chapter to find out what your "read and review bonus POV" is for this chapter. Just remember, it really matches up with the end of the last chapter, and not with this chapter.**

 **And for those of you who have read a lot of fanfiction I had my own "Is this canon" moment. Mine was "Is this canon or Windchimed?" the answer is... Abnegation drinking tea is Windchimed. Canon has Tori giving Tris tea after Al's death. Prior Rings has Tobias stocking Tris's apartment with Abengation Tea. I kept it in here because I think Windchimed is right. Tea does seem to belong more in Abnegation than any other faction.**

 **And of course we can't start a new chatper without me taking the time to thank Bahrfamily for taking care of cleaning up this chapter with her much appreicated Beta skills.**

 **Chapter 35 Handprint**

It is good to be back home. After not seeing me for a week, Ezekiel is a little leery of me at first, but it doesn't take him too long to remember that I'm his mommy and that he's glad that I'm home. After he warms back up to me, it takes a day or two before he's willing to let me out of his sight, which is just fine by me. I really don't want to let him out of my sight, either.

It's hard when, two nights after I get back, they announce Ava's replacement. I can't help but think that if I hadn't lost the baby, they would be announcing Eli, instead of Wyatt.

"Don't," Eli leans over and growls in my ear as we applaud and stomp our feet for Wyatt.

"Don't what?" I whisper back, puzzled. He can't know what I'm thinking.

"Don't blame yourself. You did nothing to cause Angel's death. It isn't your fault that I dropped out."

I'm wrong. He does know what I am thinking.

* * *

A week after I get back from Amity, I am allowed to go back to work. Part of me is ready. I feel like I have been away forever. Part of me is as scared to go back to work as I was to go to dinner the first night after I came back. I'm not sure what I was worried about, though. Carly is excited to see me again, and even Sue gives me a genuine smile when I sit down in my chair. "It's good to have you back."

"You too," I say softly, then finish, "I'm sorry leadership didn't work out for you."

Sue shrugs. "I think Eli would have made the best leader, but I do think Wyatt will do a better job than I would have, and besides," she turns back to her monitor, "leaders have to be on call twenty-four seven. I like my days off."

At first, my schedule matches Sultana's almost exactly and I have to wonder if Eli has somehow made that happen. Whether it is so that Sultana can keep an eye on me at work, or because it just worked out that way, I really don't care. I enjoy working with her, and since she knew about Jazz's miscarriage, it feels like she understands what happened better than either of the other supervisors would have.

Eli makes sure that I can make it to at least one of the grief support meetings every week. I try to time my visits with Jazz, but our work schedules don't allow it that often. Eli and I both go when either Taylor and Abram or Leeann and Chaz can watch Ezekiel. It seems like Nick always happens to be visiting whoever is watching him when we get there to pick Ezekiel up.

I feel like I'm getting better. I really do. Until the day we receive a letter from Doctor Anthony, and I realize that we're about a month out from my due date. I wait for Eli, and we open it together. He holds me while I cry, kisses away my tears, gently reminds me that he loves me, and promises me that it won't always be like this. That one day, hopefully, there will be another baby.

* * *

My fingers tremble slightly as I pull the paper we received from Doctor Anthony yesterday out of the envelope for the fourth time today. I drop down on the edge of the bed to look it over again. There is so little on it: the date I delivered her, the fact that she was a stillbirth. This sheet of paper and the small wooden box sitting on my dresser with her ashes in it are all we have left, the only proof that Angel Pedrad ever existed. I blink the tears out from my eyes. I need to do something besides sit here thinking about her. If Eli comes home and catches me in tears again, he's going to forget that I've been doing better and drag me back to Amity.

I think back to Lois's list of things to do when I start feeling this way. Remembering that Jazz mentioned that she is off today, too, I decide to get Ezekiel ready, and gather all of his things I need to take him out. Maybe she and I can take the boys out for a walk or something. Together we can get some sunshine and fresh air, walk around, and get my mind off of this. I need to do something to remind me that life isn't what it once was supposed to be, but it is still good.

With this plan in mind, I start to put the certificate back into the envelope when I notice for the first time that there is another sheet of paper tucked in there. Curious, I pull it out. It's a smaller sheet of white paper folded neatly in half. On the outside it reads, "Eli and Hana, I thought you might want this. Doctor Anthony."

I unfold it. There is no stopping the tears as they flow from my eyes. He has given us a small piece of our daughter. There are two tiny, tiny handprints and two equally small footprints. It's the proof I've needed. She really _did_ exist. She was real and not just a dream that existed in my heart. I look at them until they blur past recognition. Then I carefully fold the paper and hold it to my aching heart.

* * *

"How are you doing these days?" Jazz asks me carefully as we stop in a grassy area to let our boys explore. Both boys have a birthday next month. At nearly four years old, Amar takes off running, heedless of Ezekiel, who tries with unsure legs to keep up with the older boy. At not quite one, Ezekiel quickly gives up and crawls rapidly after his idol.

It's the opening I've been looking for. "You were right when you told me most days are a little better than the one before, but today isn't one of them."

"Is anything in particular making today rougher?" she asks compassionately.

"We got her birth certificate yesterday." My voice is soft.

I hear a breath escape from Jazz's lips. "That would be rough," she admits. "I wasn't far enough along to get one of those."

I bite my lips together, hoping the next part isn't going to be too hard on Jazz. If she didn't get a birth certificate, she certainly didn't get prints either. "Doctor Anthony also sent us this with it." I reach into my shirt pocket that is near my heart, and pull out her hand and foot prints. I pass it over to Jazz without opening it up. I don't want to cry, and if I see them, I know I will.

Jazz instinctively knows that what I've passed her is something precious and tenderly opens it up. "Oh, Hana," her eyes fill instantly with tears, "she was so tiny."

Wordlessly I nod as I struggle against the tears and towards the ability to speak. "I could hold her like this." I cup my two hands together to show how small she was.

Jazz reaches over and hugs me. I realize as I hug her back that I've gotten so used to her doing this to comfort me that I wouldn't dream of stiffening up when she does. It feels right. "So what are you going to do with this?" she asks me softly after she pulls back and hands it back to me.

"I don't know yet." I give a small laugh. "I guess the first thing I'm going to do is show it to Eli. I didn't notice it tucked into the envelope when we opened up the certificate together." I fold it back up and put it back in my pocket. "But it does feel like there needs to be something special done with it, doesn't it?"

* * *

"Oh, before I forget," Jazz starts as we get in the elevator after our afternoon with the boys, "Rais and I need to know when you are planning on doing Zeke's birthday party. We figure since it is his first, we want to make sure we don't plan the parties for the same day."

"We haven't talked about having one. I guess I didn't plan on it."

"Hana! You have to have a birthday party!" she exclaims.

"Why?" I ask, puzzled. I still don't completely get this whole first birthday party thing. "He's one. He won't remember it."

"Because if you don't, when everyone else is talking about their first birthday party and the stories their parents tell about it, Zeke is going to ask you. How are you going to explain to him that he didn't have one? It's kind of a give away that either you or Eli came from Abnegation," she says with a pointed look.

I think about it for a brief moment and realize she's right. "I'll talk to Eli about it tonight."

* * *

"So, what story are you going to tell Zeke?" Jazz asks me as we collect the plates and glasses after everyone else has left.

"Besides the fact that he almost single handedly destroyed the Dauntless Cake Angie made him?" I chuckle.

Jazz's tinkling laugh joins mine. "I had thought Amar was bad. He has _nothing_ on Zeke."

We followed the Dauntless tradition of putting the whole cake in front of the baby. Whatever they touch is their piece. It was almost like Zeke knew it. He put a hand on either side of the cake and, before I could grab it away, planted his face in the middle. I have never seen such a chocolate covered mess as Ezekiel was when he lifted his head, grinning and laughing at us all.

I was worried about how everyone was going to react until I realized everyone was laughing, too. "Like father like son," Taylor had gasped through her laughter as she wiped a tear away from her eyes.

"I'm just glad you warned me," Angie responded after she caught her breath. Ashley's head was resting on her mom's shoulder. "Rob, can you grab the other box?"

Rob's shoulders were still shaking as he walked over to the door and brought back another cake box. Evidently Taylor told Angie how Eli demolished his cake in a similar manner and they had almost no cake to serve anyone. Angie came prepared.

As Jazz and I finish laughing, I happen to look over at Eli and Rais, who are seated on the couch and talking while keeping an eye on Amar, who found a couple of Ezekiel's new toys that he could play with, and Ezekiel, who sits close to Amar, his head bobbing as he fights to stay awake. Our husbands look at us, unsure about what we are laughing at, but smiling, because they can tell we both are happy.

* * *

I take the mug of tea that Taylor hands me without comment. She's learned that I like hot tea over hot chocolate. My tea is a piece of Abnegation I can't seem to completely give up. She waits patiently to find out what I need to talk about. She must have known from my body language the moment I walked in that I needed to talk, because it didn't take her long to find an excuse to send Abram off with Ezekiel when we came in.

Her compassionate brown eyes watch me closely. I fiddle with the handle of my mug, trying to muster up the courage to ask her what I've come here to find out. "When is Evan supposed to meet with Mom?"

Taylor takes a slow sip of her hot chocolate. "He's not. He's gotten some Factionless clothes together for me. I'm going to meet her this time. I decided that when we found out," Taylor seems to trip over her next words, "Angel had died." There is a pause. "It just felt like something I should tell her instead of Evan."

A feeling of thankfulness momentarily surges through me, but the feeling that replaces it is the reason that I'm here today. "Thank you, but when are you supposed to meet with her? Because if I'm not working, it really feels like something I should tell her."

* * *

The clothes Evan got together for Taylor are even more ill-fitting on me than the Factionless clothes Natalie provides me with. Of course, Evan got the clothes together with Taylor in mind, so they were acquired for her taller stature. I wish I could get my own outfit out of the Crevice room to wear, but no one knows I have them, and I have _no_ idea how I would explain them.

I look over my shoulder to see if there is anyone paying attention to me when I come to the abandoned building Taylor told me they were supposed to meet at. I don't see anyone in sight, so I open the door and slip inside. Taylor assured me they would be meeting in the lobby area at the front. I find the first hallway off the lobby and wait there. It keeps me from being seen in case someone besides Mom come in, while allowing me to see Mom when she gets here.

It doesn't take long for the door to open and a familiar form in grey to enter the lobby. She looks around and her shoulders sag, just a little. For a moment I want to stay hidden, to avoid seeing her reaction when she finds out her granddaughter died. But to keep that piece of information from her keeps her from knowing I'm okay. And despite being Dauntless, I'm still too selfless to let Mom suffer, not knowing about me.

"Mom?" I step out from the hallway hesitantly.

"Hana?" Mom's head springs towards the sound of my voice.

I walk towards her. "Yes, it's me."

"What are you doing here?" She looks at me and is instantly worried. I know I don't look like a woman who has recently given birth, let alone someone who is still pregnant. "What happened?"

"She died, Mommy." The old endearment slips from my lips as easily as the tears slip from my eyes. "My baby girl died, about three months ago."

Before I finish speaking, Mom is there, holding me in her arms, crying with me for our lost baby.

* * *

I slowly make my way to the tattoo parlor. Part of me is seething at Sultana for sending me home today. I _need_ to work today, but she could tell I was having a bad day and tried to be helpful by sending me home early. I wish I knew how to tell her that the time off is the _last_ thing I need today. It is a dark day for me, but I know why, and it doesn't matter where I am today, it's still going to be a difficult day. At work I can at least be productive, one of the items on my to-do-on-bad-days list that Lois gave me. All I can hope now is that Tori is at work. It won't change my rough day, but distractions are also on Lois's list, and I've finally decided what I want, so I have a promise to keep.

Bud is the only one working when I get to the tattoo parlor. He straightens up from Tyson's arm. "Hana!" His voice is bright, too bright for me today. "I haven't seen you in a while. How are you?"

I give him the best smile I can. "Getting better."

His voice is gruff when he responds. "I'm sure it's been rough."

Today is rougher than he realizes. Today is my due date. I should be holding my little girl right now, or else be so big and uncomfortable that I think it will never end. "Is Tori around?" My voice is hesitant. Tori still avoids me, but maybe it's time both of us start facing reality, and besides, at least for me, this is about keeping a promise.

There is a stern look in Bud's eyes. His voice is hard. "No, I sent her home."

"When will she be back?"

Bud pushes away from Tyson, telling him he'll be right back. He motions for me to follow him.

We end up in Tori's area. Since Tori is avoiding me, I avoid the tattoo parlor as much as possible since we pulled George out. In a way, it has been easier on me not to see her and deal with the guilt of taking George from her. I look around, remembering the last time I saw her here. She was bent over George's back, working on an intricate tattoo of the Erudite eye hidden inside of the Dauntless flames.

"What do you want Tori for?" Bud's voice is wary. It brings me back to reality.

"I want her to give me a tattoo."

"I'll do it for you." Bud's voice is firm. "You don't want Tori doing it right now. If she doesn't clean up her act, she won't be here much longer."

I look at him oddly. "Why?"

Bud looks around making sure no one can over hear him, then answers me in a low voice. "I'm only telling you this because you are one of her friends. This is not common knowledge, and I'm trusting you not to spread this around. I sent her home three days ago. I spend as much time fixing her mistakes right now as I do creating new tattoos. She's angry," Bud holds my eyes for a minute, "and drunk. She's not allowed to do another tattoo until she sobers up. I can handle rage, but not drunkenness at work."

I hold his eyes determinedly. "She made me promise years ago that if I ever got a tattoo, she would be the one to do it. She's just going to have to lay off the booze."

* * *

It's not the Tori I know who opens the door to her apartment. It looks like Tori, except for the eyes. Her eyes are hard and angry. "What do _you_ want?" Her words are thick, like Dauntless cake batter when Angie pours it into a pan.

"I want to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you." She doesn't open the door to let me in. "I already know he's dead. You can't rip out my heart again..."

"Tori," I start and then stop. I'm not sure what to say about that. He's not dead, but I can't ever tell her that.

She studies me for a moment. "I suppose you're here to collect congratulations."

I look at her, puzzled.

She motions with a brown bottle to my waist. "When did you have her?" She sounds closer to normal, but still bitter.

I close my eyes to hold back the tears. Tori's hasn't been around much, but I hadn't realized that she didn't know. Today day, of all days, I'm not prepared for her to ask when she was born, and for a moment I think I'm going to lose it, that I'm going to break down in the tears I've been fighting all day, just outside of the Pit standing in Tori's doorway. I swallow hard, and prepare myself to stumble through my explanation. "She quit… moving…the cord was… wrapped… around her neck. She was a stillbirth, shortly after…" I'm not sure how to put this. I don't want to lie to her, but I can't tell her the truth. "Shortly after George…" I try again.

Tori gasps. "Hana, I'm sorry." She opens the door for me and lets me in. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry. How did I not know?" She wraps me in a hug.

"I understand. You lost George." I move out of her arms, thankful that I've found a way to be honest in relation to George. "You've been grieving. You haven't been around…"

"I've been a horrible friend."

"I have, too. I haven't checked up on you."

She blinks as she looks at me, like she's having problems making herself focus. "It's not like I wanted _you_ around," she finally mutters.

I nod my understanding. I'm one of the ones who told her the news. I remind her of everything she lost.

"Tori? Who was it?" Abilyn walks in from the kitchen, holding Shauna on her hip. "Hana!" Her voice is chipper and cautious, like she's not sure what's going to happen with Tori this close to me. "I didn't expect to see you here."

I try to smile. "I went by the tattoo parlor to see Tori. Bud said she was here."

"Do you need something?" Abilyn asks for her.

"You and I made a deal a long time ago." I look at Tori.

She tilts her head and looks back at me. "What deal did we make?"

"I finally know what I want."

There is a short pause while Tori tries to remember what deal we made. "Forget it. _Bud_ won't let me do any tattoos." Tori spits the sentence out. "You'll have to let him do it."

"I don't _want_ him to do it." My voice is the firm voice I use on Ezekiel when I tell him no.

"Hana, I can't do it," Tori responds in a whiney voice. "I don't want to mess anything up on you."

"Then clean yourself up so you _can_ do it." I sound harsher than I mean to.

"It's not that easy." Tori shakes her head.

"I _know_ it's not easy," I reply firmly, thinking of my time in Amity dealing with Angel's death, thinking how today I feel worse than I did the first day I spoke to Lois, but now I know it won't last forever. A better day will come. "It takes work, but you can do it."

"You don't understand. They killed him." Tori's eyes narrow.

"Who killed him?" My brows furrow, confused and scared at the same time. She doesn't know about Natalie… and me, right?

"The Dauntless and Erudite leaders," Tori spits it out.

Abilyn throws up her free hand. "You don't _know_ that."

Tori looks her straight in the eye. "If _Mom_ is willing to believe that about Erudite…"

Abilyn presses her lips together. "I'll tell you what. Why don't you tell Hana what you told me? She was Abnegation. She's the only person I know of who might have an idea of any secrets the council might keep."

Tori looks at her for a moment, then nods. "Sit down." She takes a drink out of the brown bottle. "I'll let you in on the dirty little secret Mom says Abnegation keeps." She motions with the bottle to the couch.

I move quickly, surprising her by taking the bottle out of her hand.

"That's mine!" Her voice is outraged as she grabs for it.

I step out of her reach, knowing I'll run to the kitchen and pour it down the drain if I have to. I don't think she can outrun me right now. "I know." My voice is deceptively soft. Hopefully she's not so drunk that she can't hear the hard edge to it. "But if you are going to tell me about this, I don't want to have more problems understanding you." My eyes narrow at her. "And if you're going to do my tattoo for me, and we made a deal so you _are_ going to do it, you're going to have to stop drinking so much. You might as well start now." I take off my backpack and sit down, placing the backpack by my feet.

"I can just go to the refrigerator and get more," Tori pouts, but she sits down on the recliner nearby without carrying through on her threat.

Abilyn pulls out a blanket from Shauna's bag and spreads it out on the floor. Then she lays Shauna on it. Shauna quickly pulls herself up on all fours and proceeds to crawl rapidly off the blanket towards the couch.

"Do you remember me telling you that Mom's in the Top Ten?" I nod and Tori continues. "Well, I guess Norton- and now Jeanine- had all of them working on related projects. I found out on Visiting Day that they've all been working on things to deal with simulations or the Aptitude test."

I feel a chill go down my back. With everything that Natalie and I have been dealing with, I'm not surprised by this, and I imagine Natalie already knows it, but I need to remember to make sure she knows. She doesn't tell me everything, and I don't want her to. The less I know, the safer I am if something ever goes wrong.

"After Norton died and Jeanine took over, Mom was put on some of the less…" Tori seems to be searching for the right word, "important, less desirable, jobs. When she asked Jeanine about it, Jeanine's response was that if Mom's daughter had left the faction, how did she _know_ Mom would remain loyal." Tori snorts at the statement. "She really said that to my mom. To the woman who worked through my birthday, and Georgie's, on a regular basis. To the woman who sometimes we only saw long enough for her to eat on Feast Day, whose idea of family time was praising the virtues of loyalty to Erudite and knowledge." Tori shakes her head. "Norton knew all those things. I think he was at more of my birthday parties than Mom was. She _always_ invited him, and he _always_ showed up. Even if it was just for fifteen minutes. Jeanine…" Tori shakes her head again and stops there.

"Mom's exceptionally good with computers. She gets into places she's not supposed to be. From what she told me after George's death, I'm guessing she got into Jeanine's personal off-line computer. She discovered that George is Divergent." She doesn't notice that she used the wrong tense, but I do. I'm so afraid that one day I'll accidentally do it, and she'll figure out what I know. "Have you ever heard that term before?"

Suddenly it dawns on me. Visiting Day was _before_ George started simulations, before _any_ of us knew what George is. Tori just mentioned that her mom discovered and told her what George is _after_ he died. They have somehow met up since Visiting Day. And now Tori is asking me about the Divergent with Abilyn in the room. The human lie detector is going to hear my answer. I can't lie. I can't tell the truth. Somehow I have to make it through this. For the briefest of moments, I find myself wishing I still carried a vial of memory serum in my backpack all the time, not just when I'm working for Natalie and might be caught. At times like this, it would be nice to know I had it in case things go wrong.

Stick with the truth. Keep it simple, I tell myself. "I heard my parents use the term when I was little."

"I told you! I told you!" Tori's eyes sparkle with a look I can't quite describe.

Abilyn rolls her eyes. "Do you know what they are?"

I have two ways to go. I can say Mom never told me, which is the truth, but Abilyn is known for being able to tell when you don't tell the whole truth. Or I can try to get by with telling just the barest of what Natalie told me. I decide quickly that Tori already knows and already told Abilyn, so I might as well tell them just a little of what I know. "They are people who can manipulate the simulations. They are aware that they aren't real."

"Mom was right," Tori whispers triumphantly. Evidently they weren't sure and were just looking for confirmation, and I just gave it to them. Great.

"That's just wrong!" Abilyn explodes. "How can you know it's not real? Think about it." She jumps up off the couch and starts pacing. Shauna stands, balanced, holding onto Tori's couch. She watches her mother for a moment, then sits down and gets on all fours, crawling frantically after her mother as she paces.

I try to figure out what to say to her while I watch her pace with Shauna trailing behind her. "Abilyn, what's wrong with that? Just because we thought it was real, doesn't mean everyone has to think that."

"If someone knows it's not real, _and_ they can manipulate it, they can make it look like they belong in a different faction!" she explodes, turning to face us and nearly stepping on Shauna.

"So?" I question, unsure of where she is going with this.

"If they don't really belong here, how can they be loyal to us?" she reasons.

I pause for a moment, thinking. "Look at the three of us. We grew up in different factions but transferred here. You could have stayed in Candor, Tori could have stayed in Erudite, and I could have stayed in Abnegation. If we had stayed in our birth factions, no one would know we got Dauntless results."

"But we didn't stay," Abilyn interrupts me, "because this is where all of us belong. This is our aptitude. We're all loyal to Dauntless. We all act Dauntless."

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out how to put this to Abilyn. "Yet all of us still have tendencies of the factions we were born in. When we need to know if someone is telling us the truth, we still go to you. When we face a difficult problem, we go to Tori or Bekah."

Tori actually gives a small laugh and then joins in. "And if we want to avoid doing something, we ask Hana for help!"

Abilyn cracks a small smile. "It's not the same. You're first impulse never was to help someone, was it, Hana?"

I have to agree. It never was the first thing I wanted to do. If someone pushed someone else to the ground, I didn't want to help the person up. I wanted to push the person back who pushed first.

"These people, these… Divergents, they can manipulate things to make it look like they belong somewhere they don't. How do you trust someone like that?!"

There is a moment of silence. Tori's eyes narrow at Abilyn. Her voice is deceptively soft. "So you're saying that if what Mom told me is right, that George shouldn't have been trusted? That even though he did well on every part of initiation he was here for, he didn't really belong her? Are you saying that they were right to kill Georgie?"

Abilyn calms down marginally. "I'm not saying they should have killed George. I liked George. We don't even know for sure that Divergents exist and that George was one of them. I'm just saying it's hard to know what faction someone like that is loyal to."

"For some people, it's hard to know what faction any transfer is loyal to," I pipe up, thinking of the letter from Great-great-grandpa Gregor that Nick gave Eli before we were engaged.

"We're loyal to our choice," Abilyn says determinedly.

"Eli had an ancestor who didn't trust anyone whose family hadn't been in Dauntless at least two generations," I inform her.

"He'd _love_ the fact that Eli married a transfer, huh?" Abilyn breaks in sarcastically.

"Actually, he changed his mind and married a transfer, too," I admit.

"It doesn't matter, because transfers are not the same as Divergents!" Abilyn explains. " _If_ they really exist."

They do, I think to myself. Then I try to change the direction of the conversation. "So what else did your mom say?" I look at Tori as I ask her.

Tori's eyes glitter with anger and a hint of determination. "That Jeanine and the Dauntless leadership may have killed my brother because he was Divergent."

* * *

It's a long journey for Tori. She's still angry. I'm not sure her anger has gone away at all, but Bud doesn't care if she's angry. He cares that she is sober, that her hand can hold her tattoo pen without shaking, that she can control her temper when she's at work. It takes her over a month to clean up her act enough that Bud lets her back into the tattoo parlor, and when she sees the tattoo I have in mind, she refuses to do it. "It's way too intricate and detailed for me right now. Let me get a few tattoos back under my belt and then we'll talk. I'm not about to mess this one up on you."

* * *

Kelly's Nuptials Day passes without Tori and me discussing my tattoo again. Tori stands up with Kelly and confides in me while we wait to yell our wishes for them into the echo chamber that she's not going to ask anyone else to be her roommate. "Kelly was a great roommate, and having her here helped me a lot while I quit drinking, but right now I want my space with no one else around. Sometimes I start thinking about…" She doesn't say his name, but I can tell she's thinking about George. "I don't want to take the risk of anyone intruding on me when I'm lost in my thoughts. When I'm planning how to get even with them, I don't want anyone else around." It's a new, harder Tori who says the last sentence.

So nothing happens with my tattoo until Risk Day, when she pulls me away early in the day. "Are you ready?" she asks with her eyes shining. "Because I am. You and I are each going to take an extra Risk today." Tori is supposed to go with Leeann and several of our friends to Crown Fountain where they are going to try to scale one of the fifty-foot tall broken glass brick towers.

Eli and I aren't sure what we're going to do. I followed Lois's advice, when I realized how much I was dreading this day, since we both know that our Angel was conceived that night last year, and I talked to Eli about it. He admitted that he didn't really want to be go out tonight either, so we haven't made any plans for a real risk. Our plan is to spend time enjoying our son and each other, and to try to keep the tears at bay.

"You're willing to do my tattoo today?" I ask hopefully. That would at least give me a real risk.

"And you're going to give me one. too."

"Tori!" I protest.

"It's going to be pretty simple. A lot like the fake one we did on your arm. I'll give you one for Angel, and you'll give me one for George."

I'm not quite sure what to say, but I find myself agreeing. "If you really think I can do it."

"You can," she answers confidently. "I talked to Bud about it. He's going to draw it on my arm and all you have to do is trace it." She studies me for a moment. "I'm actually more concerned about me doing yours than about you doing mine."

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Tori stands with her tattooing needle poised to start. "It's going to hurt, and it's never going to go away."

"It already hurts," I respond softly, "and I don't want it to go away. I don't want to ever think that she was just a dream."

Tori looks at me for a moment, her brown eyes thoughtful. I know she's sharing the pain of loss, the ache we each carry in our hearts because someone is forever missing. Then she blinks and a tear traces her cheek. "I guess you're right."

* * *

Eli and I spend a quiet evening together. It's all about Ezekiel and just spending time with him, enjoying him, spoiling him, until it's his bed time. After he is asleep, we just sit on the couch, clinging to each other. Neither of us are in the mood to talk. "How about we just go to bed?" Eli asks me after a while.

I stand up. "That sounds good to me," I agree, trying not to dwell on how different tonight is than last year. When we get to the room, I pull off my shirt without thinking. The white bandage shows only the barest trace of blood.

"What happened?" Eli asks, immediately concerned by the bandage.

"I got a tattoo," I admit in a low voice. It dawns on me in that moment that I should have talked to him about it. After all, this wasn't a spur of the moment decision.

"You… when…why…" he stutters out.

I slowly pull off the bandage so he can see it. It has to be some of Tori's best work ever, and he will be the only person, besides her, to ever see it. The tattoo is tiny, but so was she. Every line is small and dainty, delicate and perfect: her tiny handprint centered on my heart. I explain it softly to Eli as the tears slip from my eyes for the first time today. "She left her handprint on my heart."

 **I promised you another POV from the last chapter if you review this chapter. The other POV that should have gone with the last chapter, is Natalie's POV of part of her time at the Bureau. If you review this chapter you'll get to see some of what happened while she was there.**

 **Also, keeping with the Bureau theme, I have written (and we are in the processes of editing) a new scene for Random Voices Allegiant. This scene is Zoe's POV and deals with the first time she sees Tris. I don't know for sure when it will be up, but it is in progress.**


	36. Chapter 36- Friends

**WARNING: Long author's note ahead!**

 **To start with, several of you in reviews and PM's mentioned liking Tori's tattoo for George. I wish I could take credit for that, but her tattoo of a river is actually canon.**

 **From Divergent Chapter Twenty**

 _ **Her sleeves are rolled up, so I can see a tattoo of a river** **on her right arm. Did she get it after her brother died? Was** **the river another fear she overcame?**_

 **So, although I do get full credit for Hana's tattoo. I don't get any for Tori's. That belongs to Veronica Roth. I just pulled it in to my story, because it belongs here, too.**

 **Next, I received a Guest review on the last chapter that I want to take a moment to address. The question was, have I considered doing a "Random Voices" of Dauntless Gray and The Blackest Shade of Gray so that guests can read them.**

 **Funny you should mention that. MONTHS ago Bahrfamily proposed the same idea. It is currently under consideration. I will keep in mind that you are interested (and if anyone else is please let me know, that could affect my decision.) I'm not quite sure what I have planned after this story is finished, and I know myself well enough to know that what has been sent in PM wouldn't end up being _exactly_ what I would publish. **

**Authors are never completely satisfied with what they write. Even JK Rowlings admitted that a few of her books in the Harry Potter series were hurried to meet deadlines and that she might do a "Director's Cut" version of those books at some point in time. If I do publish these other POV's, I know there will be rewriting involved. (And maybe, especially for Dauntless Gray where I only did one POV in the whole book, a _lot_ writing involved.) They would also change because PM's have a very limited character count. Many of them are shorter than what I would have written without that constraint.**

 **So, publishing the other POV's really depends on two things. One, knowing there is an interest in seeing them published, and two, the writing project I pick up after I finish The Blackest Shade of Gray.**

 **With that said, if you are interested, let me know. I would like to know there is interest before I start putting a lot of time and thought into the idea.**

 **Anyway, time to move on to the chapter, but not without thanking Bahrfamily, yet again, for her help in Betaing this story, and for predicting what you might be interested in.**

 **Chapter 36** **Friends**

With the New Year, things start to go back to a comfortable routine. Work is the worst. It's productive, sort of. On so many shifts, there isn't anything to see, and when that happens, my mind starts to drift. I told Carly and Conner about it. Usually one of them is there with me. We've created a game I can play with either of them. It keeps me focused on the screens and not thinking about Angel.

 ** _I have Amity! I see red shoes!_** Carly gloats on a message. **_Look for someone with_** ** _a pony_** ** _tail._**

I check every person who flits across my screen, hoping to see a ponytail. **_Harrison_** ** _is_** ** _in the cafeteria eating cake._** I message back about five minutes later. I look over and see Carly shake her head as she laughs silently. I look at the clock. The night has gone by quickly. Carly is off soon. ** _Should we call the game for the night?_**

Carly looks at the clock and then at me and types her response. **_Let's try this. Who can see the most people in the five minutes I have left_** ** _?_**

I keep my eyes glued to the screen, but this late at night there aren't too many people to see. I end up with a lot of exterior cameras from Amity and Abnegation. There is no way I'm going to find the most.

"So, how many did you end up with?" Carly stands next to me, about to leave.

"Only six."

A small smile of triumph crosses her lips. "Sorry. I got the Pit four different times in five minutes."

"You win." I concede the final point. "Thank you," I murmur softly. She has no idea how much this silly game helps me through the long nights.

"Do you think Eli will freak out if you are a little late coming home from work?" Carly shifts nervously from one foot to the other and back again.

I look at her sideways, wondering why she's asking me that. "Hopefully he's asleep. If he's asleep, no; if he's awake…"

Carly laughs nervously. "Want to take a chance that he's asleep and have some cake with me when you get off?"

I can't remember the last time Carly and I had cake after working the late shift. For a moment I'm a little concerned, since I know this will be the first time since Angel died, but I make myself give her a smile. It's a small smile, but it is there. "That sounds good."

A relieved look crosses her face. "Good. I'll meet you in the cafeteria."

* * *

Carly is already seated with two pieces of cake and glasses of milk in front of her. "There you are." She still strikes me as being nervous when I sit down.

A small fear is starting to form in my stomach. Carly's going to tell me she's pregnant. Jazz, Lois, and I ended up talking after the last group grief session, and Jazz casually mentioned she and Rais were starting to talk about trying again. It dawned on me then how many of our friends could soon be in that position. I look at the cake and not at her. It's chocolate, but there's a stripe of something running through the middle of it. If I had to guess, Angie made it. She's known for trying new things. I take a bite of the cake. It's a ribbon of fudge running through the middle of it. "This is good."

Carly laughs. "Better than the strawberry and caramel."

"What possessed Angie to try that combination?" I wondered out loud.

Carly shakes her head. "Insanity." There is an awkward pause. "Hana, I need to talk to you, and I'm not sure how to do it."

I take a deep breath and brace myself. "Just say what you need to."

"It's about Kelly."

I start. Her topic wasn't at all what I expected. Maybe Kelly is pregnant and too afraid to say anything to me. "What about Kelly?" I ask.

"Have you spent much time with her lately?"

"No." Carly looks disappointed at my admission. "Is something wrong with her?" I ask, a little concerned.

"I'm not sure, and I can't exactly ask her this." Carly looks out in space at something just past my shoulder.

"Ask her what?"

Carly's gaze shifts to me. "If everything is alright with her and Levi and Lauren."

I can see where that would be awkward for her to ask since Levi is her brother-in-law. "Do you want me to see if I can find out for you?"

Carly plays with a lock of her hair, twisting it over and over in her fingers. "Would you be willing to check on her? You don't necessarily have to report back to me. I don't want you to feel like you are spying on her for me, or have her end up finding out you are checking up on her for me and not trust you, but something is wrong there, Hana. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm worried about her."

I look Carly in the eyes and try to smile. "I'll check on her, and I'll let you know if she's okay or not, but I won't tell you what it is unless you really need to know."

Carly smiles back at me. I can see the relief on her face. "Thank you."

* * *

It takes a couple of days to find a chance to speak to Kelly. She and Levi eat with his family and friends, and I understand that. It just makes it harder to find a chance to talk to her. Of course, if she was eating with us I wouldn't just blurt out a question about how married life is going. I'd still be looking for a chance to talk to her privately.

My chance happens unexpectedly when I am walking from dinner to work. I'm running a little early, so when I see Kelly seated on a bench near the Chasm, I angle over to her. "Is anyone sitting here?"

She looks up at me, startled, and with a shake of her head she pats her seat. "How have you been?" she asks softly.

"Today's a good day," I answer honestly. "How are you? I don't see you very often these days."

Kelly tries to smile. "I'm good."

I tip my head and look at her. Even if Carly hadn't clued me in that something seems to be wrong, I would be suspicious right now that she's holding something back. "How's married life? I remember the first few months were an adjustment."

Kelly takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I love Levi, but… it's not quite what I expected. Maybe if…" She trails off and quickly looks around the Chasm quickly. "Oh, look there's Abe. I haven't seen him in quite a while."

She starts to stand like she's going to go say hi to him, but I put a hand on her wrist, pulling her back onto the bench. "Kelly, what's wrong?"

"Why would you say anything is wrong?" I don't have to be Abilyn to notice the way her eyes dart around as she avoids looking at me.

"Kelly." My voice is soft, but forceful. "Is everything okay with you and Levi?"

A soft smile shines from her face. There is a glow in her eyes. "Levi and I are great." The glow unexpectedly fades. "It's just that…" Her voice trails off. She looks at me earnestly. "Can you keep a secret, Hana? An important one."

I keep too many secrets, but what is one more? "I won't tell anyone."

"It's Lauren," she starts softly. "Being a step mom is harder than I thought. I've grown to love Lauren, but I'm not her mom, and she resents that. Sometimes, usually when Levi is around, she's willing to do what I ask her to do with no complaints. But other times, normally when Levi isn't around, if I ask her to do something, she flies off the handle and tells me I'm not her mom, and I can't make her do anything, and that if I try she'll tell her dad I was mean to her and…" Kelly trails off, a tear growing in the corner of one eye. "I don't know what to do, Hana. I can't let her get away with it, but I don't know how to tell Levi any of it. It's been just the two of them for several years and he adores her. I don't know how I would handle it if he took her side instead of mine."

I look at her steadily. "That's a problem," I concede. "I don't know what I would do." I reach over and squeeze her hand. "If I come up with any ideas, I'll let you know."

* * *

"What's wrong?" The worry in Eli's voice is unmistakable when he comes home unexpectedly while Ezekiel is napping the next day. I've been doing so much better in the months since my time in Amity, that he's concerned to come home and find me perched on the edge of the tub, tablet in hand and tears running down my cheeks.

Using the palms of my hands, I quickly wipe the tears in my cheeks so the trails are gone. "Nothing is wrong. I was just caught off guard, that's all."

Eli notices the tablet in my hand. He gently takes it from me and places it on the edge of the sink. Then he holds both of my little hands in his. "What's going on with Natalie?"

"It's silly," I try to brush it away. "She warned me…" I let my voice trail off before I accidentally mention that I saw her when I was in Amity.

"What did she warn you?" His grip and his voice are a little tighter.

I take a deep breath. "Natalie is pregnant." There, I've said it out loud. A fresh trail of tears begins slowly streaking down my face. Eli pulls me close and lets me bury my face in his shoulder. I don't sob, but the regular flow of tears from my eyes soon dampens his shirt. I struggle to get them under control, and as soon as I'm sure I do, I pull away and look at him. "Sorry."

Eli cradles my face in his hands. His thumbs brush away my tears. "I guess I should be glad Natalie was the first one to tell you this, and you didn't find out in public."

I give him an Abnegation smile. "She did warn me that they were trying, so it wasn't a complete surprise, but…" I bite my lip and study the floor for a moment, trying to figure out how to tell him the next part. "I think I would have reacted better face-to-face. It was the fact that I was alone and _could_ cry, and no one would see me, that let me do it, I think."

"You know," he says after a long pause, "we have other friends that this could be happening with soon."

"I know." My voice is soft as I debate whether to say the next part or not. "Jazz mentioned that she and Rais are thinking about trying again soon."

"I know." Eli's voice is soft, too. "Rais warned me, too."

I give a sound that is almost a laugh. "Carly wanted to talk to me after work recently, and I thought she was going to tell me that she was pregnant. Then I thought she was going to tell me Kelly was pregnant, but it turned out…" I stop quickly and bite my lip, not sure if I'm allowed to tell Eli what Kelly told me about Lauren.

"Turned out what?" Eli asks quickly. "Levi told me the other day he was getting worried about Kelly. Is anything wrong?"

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Kelly's trying to figure out how to handle it."

"Is she regretting getting married?" Eli asks after a moment.

"No!" I speak up quickly. "Is that what Levi thinks?"

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment or two. "He doesn't know what to think. He says some days she seems very happy and other days she seems like she wants out."

"She doesn't want out," I assure Eli quickly. "She just discovered a…" How do I put this? "She discovered an issue in marrying a widower that she hadn't anticipated, that's all."

Eli looks at me, puzzled and opens his mouth to speak, but a cry from Ezekiel comes before he can say any more. A smile creeps across Eli's face. Ezekiel is the only thing that brings a true smile to his lips any more. "Are you okay now?" I can tell he wants to go get our son.

I give him a small smile. "Yes. Go get Ezekiel."

Eli rises and kisses the top of my head.

I wait until he's out of the room; then I stand up and look at the tablet again. I quickly reread her message and with a deep breath, I type back my response. **_Congratulations._**

* * *

"We need to do this again. Next time we get together at my place," Angie says, smiling as she picks up Ashley's bag from the floor of Abilyn's apartment.

"Sounds good. As long as we can get our schedules to match up again," I agree with her, handing Ashley over to her mom.

"It's nice that the three of them are getting big enough that we can do this." Abylin looks back at Ezekiel and Shauna, who are still playing on the floor. They don't quite interact with each other yet, but they play near each other well.

The door closes behind Ashley and I turn to Abylin. "Do you need some help cleaning up?" I ask as I start to grab the glasses from the table that the three of us used while we were chatting and watching the kids.

"I knew you would ask that," Abilyn laughs and then suddenly sobers. "Hana, what we talked about with Tori, that… Divergent thing. Does the fact that you _always_ offer to help mean _you_ are Divergent?" She seems hesitant to ask the question.

I shake my head and laugh, hoping I can keep Abilyn from doubting what I say. "From what Tori's mom told her, you have to be able to manipulate the simulations, and I can't do that. I have never realized I was in a simulation until it was over. When I saw Jude… I thought she was really alive." I shudder. Just the thought of Jude still being alive is enough to put me on edge.

She takes one of the glasses from me and holds it in one hand while she holds the plates with her other. "It really bothers me," she confesses, "the idea that someone can do that. How do you trust someone who is that…deceitful?"

I carefully set the glasses down, struggling to figure out the best way to explain why it isn't a bad thing like she thinks it is. "It's not deceitful…" I'm interrupted by a knock on the door.

Abilyn glances at the clock. "I didn't realize it was that late," she says, drying her hands on a towel and walking to the door and opening it. "Eli. Come on in."

"Ben said that you needed me to drop by, but he didn't tell me what you needed." His face lights up when he sees Ezekiel. As soon as Ezekiel hears his dad's voice, he drops the block he was stacking and stands up, running to his father. He falls right as he reaches him and Eli scoops him up and tosses him into the air. Ezekiel squeals in delight. After a couple of more throws, Eli holds him and, looking for me, asks Abilyn with a touch of concern in his voice, "Why do you have Zeke?"

"We were having a playdate," I call out from the kitchen, amused. "You're as bad as your parents. You walked right past me."

Eli walks back to me and kisses my cheek. "You don't run for me the way he does." It's good to see the sparkle in Eli's eyes again. We're both starting to move away from the worst of the pain and on with our lives.

"I never did," I try to joke back. "You ran after me, if I remember correctly."

Abilyn clears her voice. "Should I grab the kids and leave you two alone?"

Eli laughs walking over to Shauna and sets Ezekiel back down next to her. "What do you need?"

"Actually," Abilyn points to the kitchen chairs, "I just need to talk to the two of you really quickly." Her tongue pushes against the side of her cheek as we all sit down.

"What's up?" I ask, that new fear that someone is pregnant starting to settle in my heart again.

"Ben was hoping to be here, too. Evidently if he sent you up without coming, he's not going to make it." Abilyn takes a deep breath. "We wanted to talk to the two of you first."

It's coming. I know it's coming. I brace myself for the news. I broke down over Natalie. I told Eli I would do better in person. This is my chance to prove it.

"Believe it or not, I was able to keep quiet this time. I'm three months pregnant." She smiles. She tries not to, because she's worried about my reaction, but she's too happy to hide it.

Eli's eyes flash to me. I put on my best fake smile. Maybe it's not entirely fake. I _am_ happy for Abilyn and Ben. "Congratulations." I stand up and walk over to her chair and hug her. "That's wonderful. I guess you finally let Ben's parents watch Shauna," I tease, remembering how, when Eli announced I was pregnant with Angel, Ben commented was that he wasn't letting his parents watch Shauna for at least a year.

Abilyn laughs and hugs me tight. "Maybe."

"Congratulations," Eli says from his seat.

"Ben and I talked and we weren't sure how hard this might be on you, so we decided to tell you in private. We'll tell everyone else at dinner tonight. If you don't want to be there, I understand," Abilyn says softly.

"Jazz and Rais invited us for dinner tonight," Eli answers quickly.

Abilyn smiles, and I wonder if she realizes Eli's trying to decide if we need an excuse to stay away tonight. "I understand. If you do have dinner with them, and you want to tell them, that's fine. I'm not as close to either of them as you two are."

Eli looks at me again. I think he's worried that, although I seem to be handling the news well, it won't be for long.

Abilyn catches on to what he's doing. "Thank you for your help, Hana, but I have it from here. I was really just trying to keep you here so that Eli would be here when I told you."

"Are you sure?" I check as Eli scoops up Ezekiel and grabs his bag.

"I'm sure." Abilyn walks us to the door.

"Congratulations," I say again as we leave. When the door is closed and we are at the elevator, I turn to Eli. "And what is going to happen if one of them asks Jazz or Rais if we're having dinner together tonight?"

Eli wraps his free arm around me, pulling me close. "They'll say we are. The three of us talked when you were in Amity, and I forgot to tell you. That's the signal that someone is pregnant. We all figured if there was any warning, it would be someone telling us." He hands me Ezekiel's bag. "Zeke and I are off to find Jazz or Rais to let them know we just invited ourselves over for dinner."

* * *

"So, who is it?" Jazz asks after we have eaten and settled the boys in Amar's room to play.

"Abilyn," I answer simply and then add, "And she said it was okay to tell you, so…"

"How are you doing?" Jazz's eyes are watching me. As far as she knows, this is the first time this has happened to me. She has no idea about Natalie.

"I'm doing okay." I give her a small smile. "It helps that we discussed the fact that you and Rais are talking about trying again. It gave me the idea to start to get ready for it."

Eli plays with his lip ring for a moment. "How do you know you're ready?"

Rais takes Jazz's hand. "We're just talking, Eli. We haven't decided to or anything like that. It's just…"

"Amar isn't getting any younger," Jazz finishes for him. "While I want some space between kids, I don't want them with much more of a gap than what we are looking at."

There is a brief moment of silence. Eli breaks it hesitantly. "Aren't you afraid?"

"Absolutely," Rais speaks up firmly. "Every time we talk about it, there is a knot of fear at the thought of going through that again. We don't have the reassurance that you do."

Eli's brow wrinkles. "What reassurance do we have?"

"Angel's still birth was less than a one in one hundred chance," Rais states matter-of-factly. "Statistically speaking, Hana would have to get pregnant over a hundred times for you to have that occur again."

"My miscarriage was so early that we don't know what caused it, and there is no way of knowing if it is something that will happen again," Jazz cuts in.

Eli takes that in.

"Have you two talked about it yet?" Rais asks.

Eli shakes his head. "After Hana's C-section, they warned us we needed to wait at least six months before we tried again. The six months is over, but I guess I'm worried about something happening to her if she gets pregnant too soon."

"Lois told us to start talking about it early - to talk about our feelings, our fears." Jazz says encouragingly.

"It helps give things perspective," Rais joins in. "It helps me to understand what Jazz is worried about."

Eli sits quietly, absorbing what they've said. Suddenly Ezekiel's cry pierces the air. Eli is faster than I am heading to Amar's room.

"He's processing," Rais warns me quietly. "Don't mention this for a day or two. He'll probably bring it up then. Eli has always needed time to think through things that are important to him. In emergencies, he's good at reacting quickly. When Tonya died and he realized what was going on with Nick and Leeann, he acted quickly. When Evan was kicked out, it was two days before he spoke to anyone about it. He'll open up when he's ready."

Eli walks back in then with a tearful Ezekiel, who reaches for me as soon as he sees me. Amar follows close behind, almost as shaken as my son. "It was an accident, Mom-ma." He heads to Jazz and climbs up on her lap. "Promise, I didn't mean to."

* * *

"Hana!" Sophia runs at me as I step out of Lois's office after a grief support group.

There are a few stares from other members of the group that are filing out. I'm sure they are wondering if I am originally from Amity right now. "Sophia." I kneel down for the hug I know is coming. "How have you been?"

"I'm sad, but I think you can make me happy," she says, lifting her hazel eyes to mine.

"And how can I make you happy?"

"Do you remember Fluffy?" she asks hopefully.

"Your cat?"

Sophia nods quickly. "She had her kittens, and I had to give them all away, but I've been hiding my favorite one, hoping Dad will let me keep it. He found out and it needs a home." Her eyes turn to me pleading. "Would you want a kitten? I know you'll take good care of it."

Kittens turn into cats. I've never thought of having a pet. It's just not something you do in Abnegation, but looking at Sophia's hopeful eyes, there is no way I can say no, and I don't think Eli could, either. "How do I jump on a train with a kitten?"


	37. Chapter 37- The Kitten

**Thank you for the wonderful reviews of the last chapter. I appreciate each and every one of them.**

 **I don't normally do it this way, but there is a new character being introduced in this chapter, and I feel the need to make sure you know how to pronounce her name. She's mentioned towards the end of the chapter and you'll actually meet her in the next.**

 **Stacia- (pronounced STAY-sha)**

 **Chapter 37 The Kitten**

"What is this?" Eli sounds semi-outraged when he notices the kitten exploring its new surroundings. I don't think he's really upset. At least, I hope he's not.

"A kitten," I answer with a tone that implies he should know this.

He rolls his eyes at me. "Why is there a kitten in our house?"

"He was offered to me, and I couldn't say no."

"Really?" Eli quirks an eyebrow at me, expressing his doubt that it was impossible for me to say no. "Who offered him to you?"

"Sophia," I say sheepishly.

Eli shakes his head and laughs. "Okay, I couldn't have said no to her, either."

* * *

"So what are we going to name the kitten?" Eli asks me as we walk to the monthly family dinner at his parents' apartment.

"His name is Dante," I inform him, changing my grip on the vegetable casserole I'm bringing this time.

"I don't get any say?" Eli teases. "You decide to bring home a kitten without consulting me, and you get to decide on its name?"

"No, Sophia named him Dante. She was trying to keep him, and since he was black, she decided he was a Dauntless cat."

Eli chuckles and sets down a squirming Ezekiel. His little legs start moving as soon as he realizes he's on the ground. He knows we are almost to Grandma's and Grandpa's. "From what Tami told me, that girl is something else, isn't she?"

Before I can answer, we reach Taylor's and Abram's door. Ezekiel is already knocking on the door with his little fist. Taylor had to have been waiting nearby. He doesn't knock that hard, and yet she opens it almost immediately. Ezekiel laughs and holds his arms up so she can pick him up.

"There's Grandma's boy!" Taylor exclaims, picking him up. She turns around and walks in. The door starting to close on us.

Eli shakes his head. "Do you think we could just leave and eat dinner by ourselves? I'm not sure anyone would notice we are gone."

I look Eli and at the food I hold, debating the idea. "Let's try it." I think he's joking, and I am, too…sort of. But Eli surprises me by grabbing my elbow and turning me around.

"What are you going to try?" Nick surprises us from right behind us.

Eli and I both start laughing. "Nothing," I answer, recovering first.

Eli opens the door for me, still chuckling.

"It's not nothing," Nick accuses as he follows me in. He takes in the sight of Taylor and Abram both sitting on the floor with Ezekiel. They have already pulled out his stash of toys, and I'm pretty sure it has grown since we were here last month. He looks at Eli and shakes his head. "You were going to duck out on us and leave Zeke here, weren't you?"

Eli grins at him. "If you hadn't caught us at the door, you wouldn't have even noticed."

Before Nick can respond to that, Ezekiel toddles up to me, holding a black stuffed animal. I set the casserole on the counter and kneel down next to him. "It looks a little like Dante, doesn't it?"

Ezekiel babbles something back to me. He's got a few words down, but not the ones he needs.

"Dante?"

A string of "d's" and an excited nod follow.

"Who is Dante?" Taylor asks. She followed Ezekiel over to us.

"Evidently, Dante is our new kitten," Eli answers, trying to sound put out.

"You got a cat?" Nick asks, amused. "How did _you_ end up with a cat?"

"Ask Hana how we ended up with a cat." Eli turns the conversation to me.

I give him a small glare for making me part of his game but then I suddenly wonder if he mentioned my accidental meeting with Sophia and Tami to anyone in his family. "He was given to me the last time I went to Amity."

There is silence while everyone wonders if they should ask about the cat or not. Abram, who probably knows the most about Amity counseling, is the one brave enough to ask. "Why did they give you a cat?"

"I met a little girl when I was there the first time. We became friends. I even had dinner at her house with her family one night."

Taylor's eyes whip up to mine, begging me to tell her the girl was her granddaughter. "What is her name?"

I smile at Taylor. "Sophia gave us the cat. I couldn't turn her down."

Taylor presses her lips together and tears gather in her eyes. Ezekiel climbs up on her lap. Automatically she cuddles him close, kissing his head. "What is she like?"

* * *

Dante scampers around the apartment, checking out his kingdom. Ezekiel's laugh rings out as he chases him. He reaches out to grab the cat and tumbles down. I work hard not to react. Eli's always on me that I need to act more like a Dauntless mom, instead of a Stiff, but it's hard to not run to him when he falls. My head understands what Eli tells me. I realize that if Ezekiel is going to make it in Dauntless, I can't handicap him as child by making him afraid to fall. The mother in me, the Stiff mother in me, wants to run and protect him from hurting himself.

I turn slightly so I can see Ezekiel look around and when he realize no one is watching get back up and resume his pursuit of Dante.

* * *

"What happened?" Eli calls to me as I get ready to leave for work.

I hate when he starts conversations in the middle and expects me to know what he is talking about. "What happened with what?" I call back.

Eli's holding Ezekiel when he appears in the bedroom. He points to the red streaks on Ezekiel's arm. "Don't tell me you didn't notice those."

It's my turn to smile. Eli is the one over reacting this time. "He pulled Dante's tail. I waited until he finished crying and cleaned it up." I stretch up on tip-toe and Eli leans down to kiss me. Then I kiss Ezekiel. "Have fun! I'll see you after work."

Eli puts Ezekiel down and takes me in his arms. "You're starting to get this Dauntless mom thing down, you know that?" He leans in and kisses me better, longer, now that his arms are free. "Wake me up when you get home."

* * *

Something is wrong. I try to play it calm, like Eli wants me to, but my heart tells me that something isn't right. Ezekiel is quiet, except for his breathing. Suddenly, all I can hear, all I can concentrate on, is his breathing. Hurriedly, I wipe my wet hands on the kitchen towel and run to the family room. I don't care if Eli says I'm not being Dauntless; there is something _wrong_ with my baby.

Ezekiel sits on the floor, Dante half on his lap and meowing pitifully. Ezekiel is choking. I drop down on the floor next to him, grab him, and open his mouth looking for anything stuck in his mouth. I don't see anything. I turn him over on my lap so he is facing down and hit him between the shoulder blades like Bekah showed me to do, but nothing comes out.

Tears start to blur my vision as I stand up, clutching Ezekiel. I don't want to over-react, but I can't let something happen to my baby. I race out of the apartment, not even checking to make sure the door closes behind me.

I run to the elevator. I know that frantically pushing the button won't make it come any faster, but I can't stop myself. I have to do something to get Ezekiel help. I can't just do nothing while my baby… I stop my thoughts there; I can't let them continue on. "Come on. Come on," I mutter, trying to decide if it would be quicker for me just to run down the nearly two dozen flights of stairs to the Pit.

The doors finally open on the empty compartment. I push the button for the Pit. I wish Chaz and his elevator key were with me. He could ensure we didn't get stopped on the way down. I wonder if Natalie can get me a key for that?

* * *

Ezekiel's breathing is marginally better by the time we make it to the floor of the Pit. The two people who joined me in the elevator stand aside so I can get out first. I race through the Pit, holding Ezekiel close. I only see obstacles, not people, as I weave my way to the infirmary.

I burst through the door of the empty waiting room. "Help!" I yell breathlessly. Ezekiel gives a weak cough. Bekah pops out of the exam room. "He's not breathing!" I gasp.

Bekah rushes over and tries to grab Ezekiel from me. My arms are locked around him. "Hana, give him to me. Hana, let go."

I try to loosen my grip, but something deep inside won't let me.

"Hana, let go of him." Her voice becomes more urgent.

"I can't." The anguished whisper slips through.

Bekah puts an arm around me and guides me to the exam room. She pushes me into a chair and kneels in front of me. "Turn him around."

It takes everything I have to turn Ezekiel around so he faces Bekah.

Everything slows down and yet speeds up, while Bekah checks him. "He's breathing is getting better. He's going to be okay," Bekah reassures me after she takes the stethoscope out of her ears. "I want to put him on oxygen for a while. He's not going to like it and as he starts feeling better, he's going to fight it. Don't let him pull off the mask."

I nod dumbly, unable to get anything past my frozen lips. I rest my cheek on his head. Tears of relief seep through my lashes. If anything happened to Ezekiel. I'm not sure I could survive it.

* * *

The sunlight through the window fades as I rock a sleeping Ezekiel in his room. Bekah warned me he would be tired and probably sleep until dinner, but I've lost all track of time, just holding him close and listening to him breathe. I've tried twice to stand, to put him in his own bed, but I can't do it. I can't come that close to letting go of him. Right now I'm afraid that he'll have problems breathing again, and I won't hear him.

"Hana?" Eli's panicked voice carries to Ezekiel's room.

I don't yell back to him, because I don't want to chance waking Ezekiel up. Instead, I carefully stand and shift him ever so slightly so I can carry him more easily and head to the hallway. "We're here," I say just loudly enough for him to hear me when we stand in the doorway.

"What happened?" He rushes to us. "I was in Candor fixing a camera that was down. Tanner met me at the train and told me Zeke had been in the infirmary and to come straight home."

I don't bother to hide my tears. "He couldn't breathe, Eli. It was the scariest thing ever. He was choking and there was nothing in his throat and the elevator wouldn't come and it seemed to move so slowly once it did. I ran to the infirmary and..." My shoulders start to shake.

Eli's arms wrap around me, enfolding both Ezekiel and me in his strength. "Shhhh, it's alright. It's over, and he's okay."

I start to calm down, but I finally give voice to the fear that's been building in me ever since I got him home. "What if it happens again?"

* * *

I try to use Dante to keep Ezekiel close to me. He's fascinated with our kitten and wants to be where ever Dante is. After I get home off work around mid-day, I pick Ezekiel up from daycare, and when we are home, I put Dante in whatever room I am working in to help keep my son close to me.

I only leave them alone in the family room for a minute to grab the clothes from the dryer. When I get back, it's the same sound all over again. "No!" I scream. Dropping the laundry basket, I grab Ezekiel and start the race to the infirmary all over again.

* * *

Eli is in Dauntless today, so this time he sits with me, holding Ezekiel's hand, while I hold Ezekiel and keep him from taking off the oxygen mask that Bekah has put on him again. "Was it this bad last time?" he finally asks. I hear the pain in his voice.

"Close," I whisper softly, "but maybe it's just a difference in how long it took me to get here last time."

Eli leans down and lifts Ezekiel's hand to his lips and kisses it. "Why is he suddenly having problems?"

"I think it's asthma." I look up and see Bekah standing in the doorway. "It's a condition that causes airways to be inflamed and causes problems in breathing. I've contacted Erudite and they have scheduled a respiratory therapist to come and evaluate him tomorrow."

* * *

I prepared for the possibility that Marisa would be the respiratory therapist, but with the appointment being in Ezekiel's name, she had no idea to expect me. Her eyes grow wide with surprise, but she recovers quickly. "You look familiar. Have I met you before?"

I give her a small smile. "I had smoke inhalation shortly before our Nuptials Day. I think you were my therapist." With Eli next to me, I don't mention we were both involved in Ava's escape. She should know that as well as I do.

She looks at me and then at Eli. "That's right. I'm guessing Ezekiel is your son."

"Zeke," Eli corrects her.

Marisa smiles. "Zeke." She holds out her arms for him. "Can you come see me?"

Ezekiel looks at me as I hand him over to a stranger. "Mommy!"

I step closer, giving him my hand to hold. "It's okay. Mommy's right here. Marisa won't hurt you."

Marisa gives a small laugh. "I'll try not to, but some of the treatments I end up giving… kids act like I am."

"Bekah mentioned she thinks it might be asthma."

She puts on her stethoscope and listens to him breathe. "Listening to him, and reading Bekah's documentation, I'd have to say there is a good chance she is right."

"So what do we do?" My voice trembles.

* * *

There is something about the way Marisa acts as we get ready to leave that has me feeling like she needs to talk to me. I leave Ezekiel's bag in the room and we head out with Eli carrying him. We set the follow-up appointment with Bekah, like Marisa told us to do, and then leave. When we get to the door, I pretend to realize I forgot the bag. "Why don't you head on to your parents? I'm sure your mom wants to know how everything went. I'll grab the bag and catch up, probably before you reach the elevator."

"You think I'm that slow?" Eli asks, offended.

"No, I think your son is going to want to walk, and whenever he hears the Chasm…"

Eli smiles. "He has to check it out." He leans down and kisses me. "Don't take too long."

I turn around and head back in. "Back so soon?" Bekah asks.

"I forgot the bag." I head back to the room, hoping she won't follow me and that, if I'm right, Marisa is still there. "I'll just grab it and be on my way."

"Okay, I've got a checkup in room three. I'll see you at dinner." She heads off to one exam room, and I head off to the other.

Marisa is still in the room, working on the computer. A look of relief crosses her face. The bag is close to her. "Can you contact Natalie?" she whispers as I bend down to pick it up.

"Yes."

A look of relief crosses her face. She hands me a folded up note. "Normally I can, but right now…"

"I'll make sure she gets it." I tuck the note inside my bra, just to make sure it doesn't accidentally fall out of my pocket.

"As soon as possible, please. You'll understand when you read it. She should give you a response by Zeke's next appointment."

* * *

I scan what I've typed for Marisa. It's enough to make my blood run cold.

 ** _E has been having some breathing problems. We ended up seeing M about this and she asked me to pass this message on to you._**

 ** _"_** ** _Left the tablet on five minutes and twelve seconds. Erudite has developed a handheld detector to trace down some signals they've been finding at random intervals. Don't know if it is just me, or if there is something else causing them. The last time I messaged you they were on my floor when I shut it down. It's not safe for me to use my tablet. I'm going to have weekly appointments with H for a while. Can we use her to communicate for now?_**

 ** _The new Aptitude Test is progressing. They will probably start using it this year or next. I should have more information next week. Am I supposed to try to slow them down? I don't know that I can."_**

I try to be very careful. Turn it on, download messages, turn it off, read the message, write a reply, turn it on, send the message, turn it off. Every single time. I never come close to five minutes at a time, but now I'm worried. Is this going to happen to me, too? With a deep breath, I turn on the tablet, send the message, turn it off, and hide it again, hoping I didn't have it on for too long.

* * *

"Hana," Miles comes up to my desk, "you need to get to the infirmary right away."

I turn my head to Miles, and I stand up as I ask, "What's wrong?"

"They just took Zeke to the infirmary with breathing problems again. They used his inhaler and it got better, but they are taking him there just to have him checked out."

I start moving to the doorway without even locking my computer. This is getting crazy. What happened to cause such a healthy boy to suddenly have so many problems?

* * *

"He's had another attack." Marisa flips through his chart. "Hana, Eli, we need to figure out what is causing this. If we can figure out what is causing the attacks, maybe we can reduce the attacks, possibly eliminate them, but right now, just reducing them would be a welcome improvement."

I nod. "How do we figure it out?"

Marisa pulls the rolling chair next to the seats Eli and I are using. "Our first step is to try to figure out if anything changed right around the time it started. Has he been eating anything new? Have you started using any different cleaning chemicals?" We shake our heads no to each one.

Then Eli speaks up. "We got a cat."

* * *

Dante meows pitifully in laundry basket we have put over him, with a couple of hand weights Eli keeps in the apartment on top of it to keep him in. "Who do we give Dante to?" I ask Eli worriedly. "He came from Sophia. I don't feel like we can give him to just anybody."

Eli looks at the cat and then at me. "I know. I feel bad about getting rid of him, and she didn't even give him to me."

"Everyone I can think of, we go to their apartment. Whoever we give him to has to be someone we don't visit."

Eli thinks for a minute. "Someone that Tami knew…" His voice trails off. Suddenly he snaps his fingers. "Stacia."

"Who's Stacia?"

"Stacia was Tami's best friend growing up. I think she works on the Factionless Patrol. She's a widow with two little girls. The older one is Sophia's age and the younger one is around Amar's age, I think."

I think about it for a couple of moments. "I think that's the best we can hope for."

"I'll go see if Mom knows where she is." Eli stands and walks to the door.

"Eli!" I call quickly before he reaches it. "Go change your clothes. You helped catch Dante and his fur might be on you." Eli changes directions to our bedroom. "Throw your clothes in the washer. I'm getting ready to start another load."

 **When I explained why Abilyn was Shauna's mom, I explained there are different ways I get names. Well, there is a real Stacia, and she's being used in this story because…it's a small, small world. When Bahrfamily and I were still getting to know each other, she mentioned where she went to college. I instantly recognized it as the school one of my best friends from high school attended. As we emailed, we discovered that Stacia, my friend, was an RA in the same dorm Bahrfamily lived in (different floor) and they had some mutual friends. Anyway, just because the fact that we both knew Stacia (and because of her, Bahrfamily and I were actually in the same place for 3 or 4 days when I visited Stacia on Spring Break one year, but didn't meet), I knew at some point in time I was going to have to use her name in this story. Turns out that now is the time.**


	38. Chapter 38- Moving Forward

**_Writer's block- noun- a usually temporary condition in which a writer finds it impossible to proceed with the writing of a novel, play, or other work. (Like Fanfiction… )_**

 **The above definition is your explanation for my long silence. Chapter 38 was written, 1st edits done, chapter 39 was almost done and WHAM! I realized there was a mistake in 38 that was keeping me from finishing 39 and keeping 39 from leading to chapter 40 which has been written for well over a year…**

 **Sorry about that, but in addition to having to rewrite the chapter, I had to step away in order to fix it. Meaning there are now 4 chapters written in a 5 chapter short based on one of the "Read and Reviews POV".**

 **To the Guest who PM'd me as I was finishing this chapter, I'm sorry I had you worried. It dawned on me I can respond by leaving my own Guest Review, so to everyone... if anything like this ever happens again, check the reviews. I have to approve Guest Reviews so if there is a note in there saying it is from Savanah Rose... it is. I won't approve someone else using my name (at least not in my story)!**

 **Anyway, 39 is almost written and 40 just has touch ups, but... I'm about to go on vacation... off grid this time. So... it could be up to two weeks before you see the next chapter. I'll try to publish again before I leave, but chapter 39 isn't finished yet, so... no promises.**

 **Thank you to Bahrfamily for doing a quick turn around on this chapter so I could get it out. If we've missed any mistakes, blame me. I'm the one who keeps making changes to this chapter.**

 **Also, as a reminder, because it has come up in a couple of PM's recently: this story is canon to** **Four: A Divergent Collection** **also. In one of those PM's it was mentioned that they haven't read it. There are some events within the next ten chapters that are affected by that book, as well as a character from that book that I pulled into this chapter, just for fun, although she may be back…**

 **Characters**

 **Stacia - (** **pronounced** **STAY** **-sha)- Tami (Eli's sister) best friend before she left Dauntless. Eli was going to see if she would take the kitten.**

 **Chapter 38 Moving Forward**

"I'm Stacia, and this is my youngest daughter, Nichole." She holds out her hand for me to shake. She's tall and thin, with a halo of short brown curls around her head. She smiles easily and her green eyes sparkle with a hint of mischief.

"Hana." I take her extended hand. "Come in."

Nichole looks like she will be tall, like her mom, but her curls are a bright red and fall to her shoulders in looser ringlets, and instead of green eyes, hers are a sky blue. She looks to be a couple of years older than Ezekiel. "Hi." Her voice is small and clear for her age.

I kneel and extend my hand. "Hello, Nichole."

She grins, showing a dimple, and shakes my hand.

"I hear you have to get rid of your cat." Stacia doesn't even wait for my confirmation before she steps into the apartment. "Well, let's see it."

I lead the way to the family room where Dante is meowing pitifully from under his laundry basket cage. "Kitty!" Nichole runs forward and tries to lift the basket off him. She tries for no more than a minute before she realizes the hand weights on top of it keep her from lifting it. She puts her hands around the first one and starts to lift.

"No!" Stacia speaks firmly to her daughter. "The kitty has to stay in there for now."

Nichole's bottom lip juts out. "I wanna pet the kitty."

"You can pet him through the basket," I say gently. "He makes my son sick, so he has to stay in there."

Nichole lies down on her tummy, facing the makeshift cage. Her fingers reach to one of the openings. Dante sees them and immediately walks over to her and rubs his side against the basket. She pokes her fingers through a little further so she can pet him as he walks by. A happy sigh escapes from her lips, and Dante starts to purr.

I look over at Stacia, who is smiling at me. "It was Tami's daughter's, right?" Her voice is low.

I nod. "I hate to get rid of him, but…"

Stacia puts a hand on my arm. "I understand, but don't worry. We'll take good care of him."

* * *

A month later, Ezekiel hasn't had any more attacks. It appears that getting rid of the kitten and a thorough cleaning of the house have done the trick. I never imagined when I agreed to take Dante that a child could be that allergic to something so small and cute.

Marisa still sees him weekly. The first reason is to keep an eye on him and make sure that we are right that getting rid of Dante takes care of it, but the main reason is I'm still her link to Natalie. And there is a lot going on in Erudite these days…

* * *

I snuggle in close to Eli, my head resting on his shoulder. His breathing is regular so, I know he's close to falling asleep. I don't know if this is the best time or the worst time to bring up what has been in my heart lately. I take a long, slow breath, gathering my courage. If I don't ask him now, it may take a while before I am brave enough to bring the subject up again.

"Eli, I've been thinking more and more about having another baby."

He says nothing at first, but his breathing instantly changes, so I know he heard me. When he finally replies, his voice is soft. "And what have you been thinking?"

"I want to have another baby, and I don't want to wait too much longer."

Eli's arms tighten around me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I'm not."

I'm surprised. Eli has always been so excited with each of my pregnancies, and joked about keeping me pregnant at one point in time. "Why not?"

His chest rises and falls, and then he gently moves me so he can sit up against the headboard. I scoot up next to him. "I don't know if I go through all of that again."

I look at him, puzzled, feeling funny, wondering why I feel like there is more to his statement than I am understanding. I wonder what to ask him, and how to ask him. I'm spared having to form a question when he continues talking. "Hana, do you know how hard it was for me to watch you not be able to function?" His brown eyes are troubled as they look into mine. "Do you have any idea how guilty I feel?"

I sit up straighter and turn around so I am facing him. I'm not sure how to reassure him that if we did lose another baby, I wouldn't react the same way I did, so I start with what puzzles me. "What do you have to feel guilty about?"

Eli swallows hard. "Hana, I messed up so bad at the beginning of your pregnancy. Looking back I can't believe the way I treated…"

I put a finger on his lips to stop him. " _We_ got off track. _We_ messed up. It wasn't just you."

Eli leans forward and kisses my cheek. "That's generous of you, Hana, but you tried so many times to get me to talk to you, and…" His voice trails off. The silence stretches between us as I wait for him to finish. "I was too busy being mad, hurt, and self-important to let you back in. I wonder sometimes if the stress of that is why…" He stops, unable to finish.

My mouth falls open. I had no idea this had even crossed his mind in terms of Angel's death. It had never crossed mine; if I blame either of us, it is me. I still wonder sometimes if maybe, by helping George escape, I caused it, but I can't tell anyone that. "Eli, if that had…" It's still hard to put it in words, but for Eli to believe me that I'm ready to try again, I'm going to have to do it. "We would have lost her then, not months later."

Eli stays quiet, absorbing what I said. "Maybe. I'll think about it." I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around him, kissing him. He kisses me back, and pulls away just enough that he can speak. "Of course, we may need some extra practice."

I fit my lips back to his and after a few minutes I pull back and lean in to his ear, letting my lips graze it as I speak. "Practice sounds good to me."

* * *

The messages I take back and forth between Natalie and Marisa are disturbing. Jeanine's work on the new Aptitude test is continuing forward. There isn't any way to stop it. There doesn't seem to be any way to even slow it down. There is a very good chance, once Jeanine is finished with it, that it will be easier to find people who are Divergent than it is with the current version of the test.

Right now, Dauntless is the easiest place for Jeanine to find the Divergent.

The new Aptitude test may make it so that she can find the Divergent in every faction before the initiates even come to their new factions. That doesn't seem good to me.

* * *

"How's Dante?" Sophia and Jimmy are sitting on a bench outside of Tami's office when I leave the group grief support session.

I take a deep breath, wishing Tami was here for this discussion. "Dante is fine, but…" I kneel by Sophia.

"Jimmy! Sophia!" Tami's voice calls to her kids. I straighten up as the kids pop up from their seats. "Hana! Good to see you." She hugs me quickly. "What are you doing here… talking to the kids?" She amends her question quickly, realizing that she knows why I'm in Amity right now.

"Sophia asked how Dante is doing. Dante is fine, but I have some bad news." I kneel back down next to Sophia. "I couldn't keep Dante."

"Your dad wouldn't let you keep him, either?" Her eyes are troubled.

"I told you black cats are bad luck," Jimmy interjects.

I try not to smile, knowing that if I did live at home with my dad, I would be in Abnegation and there is no way I could have even taken Dante in that case. "Well, I don't live with my dad any more, and my husband was okay with Dante, but Dante makes my little boy sick," I explain gently.

"He didn't mean to! He's a good cat," Sophia erupts, defending him.

"I know he is, and it's not anything that Dante can help. I didn't know when I took him that Ezekiel is allergic to cats. Dante made him have problems breathing."

"See, that dumb cat made her son sick. He ought to be…"

I cut Jimmy off. "I didn't know it would make him sick, either. I found Dante a new home. I couldn't give him to anyone in my family, or any friends that we visit."

Sophia nods and I glance at Tami, hoping she'll help me with this. "So who did you give him to?" Tami prompts with an encouraging smile.

"My sister-in-law's best friend, Stacia." Tami smiles and nods. She knows Dante is in good hands, and although she can't tell Sophia how she knows, I'm sure she'll do her best to make sure Sophia is okay with where he is. "She has two little girls; one of them is about your age, and the other one is a couple of years older than my son."

"It sounds like a good home for Dante," Tami quickly interjects, starting the approval process.

"It is. You should have seen her youngest daughter when they came and picked him up. She's about three years old," I hold my hand up to Nichole's height, "and she insisted on carrying him out of the apartment herself. He's going to be well loved."

"And he gets to keep his name?"

"Absolutely! Staica and Nichole thought you were right, that a black cat is a Dauntless cat and should be named Dante."

Sophia smiles Abram's smile at me and throws her arms around my neck. "I'm sorry he made your son sick, but thank you for finding him a good home."

* * *

Something has exploded in Ezekiel's room. His crib is missing and there are pieces of black metal tubing and other small parts spread out all over the floor. I'm not sure if Eli is responsible for this, or if Ezekiel, who is currently hanging on to a long black pipe and dragging it behind him, is responsible.

"Mommy!" Ezekiel drops the pipe and runs to me.

I bend down and pick him up, kissing his cheek as I do. "Are you helping Daddy?"

Ezekiel's head bobs up and down and he grins at me. "Bed." He continues jabbering unintelligently after that.

I look around the room and finally realize that the chaos does look like it just might create the small bed we bought for Ezekiel when I was pregnant…if everything is still there and put together correctly. "Are you and Daddy putting together a big boy bed for you?"

Ezekiel's head starts bobbing again.

Eli pauses in what he is doing at this point in time. "I'm working on putting the bed together. Someone else is moving all the pieces so I can't find them."

I laugh. "How about if you come with Mommy for a while?" I ask my son.

Ezekiel shakes his head and points at the chaos. "Daddy."

I decide to help Eli out if I can. "Okay, but I was going to go by the Chasm."

Eli looks for Eli and all the interesting things strewn around the room, looks to me, and looks back again. He's torn. Suddenly he squirms from my arms and runs to Eli. He hugs Eli. "Bye Daddy."

"Thank you," Eli mouths to me as I leave.

* * *

Nick is in the family room with Eli when Ezekiel and I get home.

"Reinforcements?" I ask with a chuckle as Ezekiel suddenly seems to remember there was something interesting in his room and runs toward his room.

Eli gives me a weary look. "I had it under control, but Nick happened to stop by so… I let him help."

"Mommy! Daddy! Unca Nick!" Ezekiel's excited voice carries all the way to the family room.

"Think he's upset his new toys are gone?" Eli asks a little worriedly as he gets out of the chair.

He's not upset. He climbs up on his bed and stands there looking very proud. "Bed!"

"Yes, Zeke, you have a bed," Nick says, chuckling at him.

Ezekiel gets a very mischievous look on his face. "Oh, no!" I groan.

"What?" Eli asks just as Ezekiel starts jumping up and down. It's not that big, and fortunately, not too far off the ground, because after three or four jumps he runs out of mattress and lands on the ground. I manage to keep from running and checking on him…just like a good Dauntless mom.

It only takes Ezekiel a minute to stand himself up, climb back on it, and start jumping again.

"It's okay, Stiff." Eli comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me in a hug. "All Dauntless kids jump on their beds."

"Your mom used to get so mad at us," Nick reminisces.

* * *

I check the time on the computer screen for the third time. Why is Carly still sitting at her station? She was supposed to be off half an hour ago. I look over at Miles, who is also watching Carly. He catches me looking at him and shrugs. Apparently he doesn't know why she's still here either. I log off my computer. I'm leaving a little early today since I came in early to help out. I hesitate for a moment; then I head over to Carly's desk and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" I ask softly.

She looks up at me, startled. "Of course. Why would you ask that?"

I try not to laugh at her. "Because your shift ended thirty minutes ago and you're still here."

Carly starts and looks at the time on her monitor. "My mind has been somewhere else."

"You want to get some cake and talk about it?" This late at night- or early in the morning- there may not be any left, but then again, there might.

"I need to talk to someone, but…" Carly looks at me through narrowed eyes. "Can you keep a secret, for just a couple of months from everyone, maybe even Eli?"

What is it with people asking me if I can keep a secret? I probably keep more secrets than anyone else in this faction! Many of them I keep from Eli. "I can. I'd rather not have to keep it from Eli…"

"If Eli can keep the secret, too, it's okay for you to tell him, but… I just don't want this getting out yet."

I think of the secret Eli is forced to keep because of me. I don't want to keep putting him in this position, but surely Carly's secret isn't nearly as… problematic as me working for Natalie. "If I tell him, I'll make sure he knows not to share it with anyone."

Carly finishes logging off her computer. "Let's go see if there is cake."

We walk quietly to the cafeteria. Carly is the one about to share a secret. I decide to let her start the conversation. When we walk into the cafeteria, it is empty, and a glance at the counter where they keep the cake explains why. It is all gone. "Want some milk?" I ask. It looks like there is still milk left.

Carly gives a small smile. "That's probably better for me than cake."

"I'm sure it's better for both of us," I laugh as I pour us each a glass. "It just doesn't taste as good."

We take our glasses and Carly sits at the closest table. She takes a drink and stares at her glass for a couple of minutes like it holds the answer to the meaning of life. "Hana, have you ever given up on something happening? Something you thought that, no matter how much you wanted it, it would never happen?" She finally looks up at me.

I remember a time when Eli and I were dating, when I thought that, because of Jude, we were just going to date forever. "Yes."

"Did you get it?"

I play with the almost black wedding ring on my finger and smile. "I did."

"Then you can relate. Hana, after Gus was born, we tried to have another baby. We tried for years. The doctors told us there was no reason we couldn't, we just never did." She raises her eyes to me when she speaks, her voice full of wonder. "I'm pregnant. After all these years, I had given up on it ever happening, but I'm pregnant."

* * *

"Why are you on the couch?" I wake Eli up with a kiss.

He sits up and pulls me down on his lap. "Someone fell out of bed."

"He'll get used to it," I assure Eli and stand up yawning. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

We stop by Ezekiel's room and peek in on the way to our room. "I can see how he fell out," I remark dryly, walking over to give our son, who is lying sideways on the bed with one arm hanging off one side and both feet hanging off the other, a kiss goodnight. "It will be a miracle if he doesn't fall out again."

Eli's arm wraps around my waist as we leave his room. "Speaking of miracles... I've been thinking about them a lot lately. And you're right. We have an empty crib now, and I don't want the kids too far apart. I was always closer to Nick than Tami, and part of it may have been that we are both boys, but Leeann and Tami were never that close…" He plays with his lip ring. "I mean, I'm sure not all of it was the age difference, but even before everything happened, they didn't get along as well as Nick and I did, and…"

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?" I hold my breath waiting for his answer.

"That I'm ready to try to make Zeke a big brother?" Eli gives me the Pedrad grin.

"Yes."

"I am." There's a trace of fear in Eli's eyes, but he continues before kissing me, "Do you want to help me fill up the crib again?"


	39. Chapter 39 - Finally

**Thank Bahrfamily for a very quick turnaround. I'm headed off to see what life is life without electricity, indoor plumbing, and possibly the hardest part… no reliable internet** **,** **so… if it takes me longer to respond to reviews and PM's than normal** **, p** **lease forgive me. I'll respond as quickly as I can.**

 **It's been brought to my attention in a couple of PMs lately that a few of your favorite characters have been missing lately. Sorry. I'm juggling quite a few parts of the story here recently. It wasn't intentional. It's just that I'm trying to keep a few storylines on the front burner and the characters involved in those are getting more attention so they are where they need to be at the right time.**

 **I'll try to do better.**

 **For all of you in the USA** **,** **Happy 4** **th** **!**

 **Chapter 39 Finally**

"Hana?" Eli's voice is soft. "Are you okay?"

I nod, not taking my eyes off the blank spot in the wall he found me staring at.

"What's wrong?" Eli kneels next to the recliner that I am curled up in.

"Not this month."

"Not this…" His voice trails off as he realizes what I mean. "It's okay, Hana. Most people don't get pregnant the first month."

I will the tears in my eyes to stay put. My voice is hoarse. "I know, but I've always gotten pregnant so quickly before."

He gives me a hug. "It's okay, Hana. It will happen." He breathes in my ear, "I enjoy trying, don't you?"

I try to smile back at him. "You know I do."

He kisses my temple. "Then think of it this way: we get to keep trying."

* * *

Ezekiel runs ahead of me as he hears the roar of the Chasm. I hate when he does this, but as Eli constantly reminds me, I need to let the boy be Dauntless. So I let him run, keeping close to him without stopping him. When we get there, I half kneel, half sit on the bottom railing so I can be close to Ezekiel as he tries to toss whatever he can find into the roiling water.

"I will _not_." Lauren's voice carries over the crash of the water.

"You will." I turn as I hear Kelly speak firmly. "You are not allowed to go over to Margot's and Nichole's until you clean your room."

I look over and see Lauren cross her arms. "If I want to go over to Margot's, I don't need your permission."

"Your dad isn't here right now, so, yes, you do," Kelly insists.

"No, I don't. If you don't let me go, I'll tell Daddy you are being mean and won't let me see my friends," Lauren whines.

"Clean your room, and you can go see them," Kelly repeats herself.

"I won't." Lauren stomps off.

Kelly gives a weary sigh and follows her. It looks like things have _not_ improved for Kelly. I know Kelly doesn't want me telling anyone what she told me, but I just _saw_ it. I'm not going based off what she told me. I watch their retreating figures and decide to leave it alone. For now.

* * *

"Hana? Hana?" Eli's voice barely makes it through the fog. "Hana?" He grabs on to my shoulder, finally getting my attention.

"What?"

"What's wrong with you?"

I can't keep the tears from filling my eyes and spilling onto my cheeks. "What if I'm broken?"

"What if you're broken?" Eli repeats back, confused. "What do you mean by broken?"

"I'm still not pregnant. What if something happened in my surgery and we can't have another baby? I should have just carried her and…"

Eli puts both hands on my shoulders and gives me a little shake. "Hana, I think you need to go see Lois."

I'm not sure how to respond to that. Does that mean he agrees? That he thinks I messed up and I should have been strong enough to carry her until…

He leads me over to the recliner and sits down, pulling me on his lap. "Hana, it's only been two months and you've already decided that it's not going to happen. You need to relax. Maybe talking to Lois will help you do that."

* * *

"I don't know how much longer I can keep seeing Zeke," Marisa tells me in a hushed tone as she sets up the machine. "My boss is starting to question why I still see him weekly, when he hasn't had an attack in months."

I've been waiting for her to tell me this. I respond firmly to the idea I'm afraid she's about to propose. "I'm not exposing him to a cat."

"I'm not suggesting you do," Marisa says tiredly. "Natalie and I are going to have to come up with a new way to communicate, that's all. Tell her they appear to have finished the Amity portion of the test last week. They won't know for sure until they are able to put the whole simulation together. Ask her if she thinks I can start using my tablet again if I keep my time online below three minutes."

* * *

"Is everything okay?" I can't help but feel a little panicked when I see Eli waiting for me outside of work when I get off.

"Everything is fine," Eli assures me quickly. "Mom just offered to take Zeke for the evening, and I thought I would pick you up from work."

I feel my heart stop racing. "Okay." I slip my hand into his.

He leads me down a little-used corridor.

"Where are we going?" I ask him, unsure of where we are headed.

"You'll figure it out," he answers mysteriously.

And he's right. I do. As soon as I see the elevator, I know where we're headed. "The roof?"

The door opens on the empty car. Eli pulls me in after him and, after he pushes the button, he pulls me close and leans in. "I know it's cold, but we won't stay long. I just thought we could use some time in our spot," he says and then kisses me.

Since we are headed up at a time of night when most people are headed down to the cafeteria, no one joins us on the way to the roof and we enjoy our time alone together.

Eli's right. It is way too cold to stay out on the roof, especially since he didn't think to grab jackets for either of us.

"Close your eyes for just a minute. What do you see?" Eli pulls me to a stop by the door to the stairway so that we can take the steps down to the top floor and wait for the elevator in the warmth.

I close my eyes and my mind settle on one memory of many that we've made up here. It's probably the most important one to me. "I see the night you proposed with the garden alive and the sun setting."

Eli kisses my ear. "So, you see hope."

It's a statement, but I still answer it. "I see love."

"Open your eyes." He whispers.

I open them and look at the bleak landscape. The containers are still mostly covered by snow. The night is dark with stars already popping out.

"Nothing has changed. Underneath the snow, the garden is still there. The sun will rise and set here tomorrow, just like it did the day we got engaged. Don't give up hope," he reminds me.

I realize what he is saying as I he opens the door for me. I wait until he's on the first step down and I pull him to a stop so the step between us makes the height difference much less. I still have to stand a little on my tip-toes to meet his lips. "I won't."

* * *

The next morning, I wake up with my head on Eli's bare chest, rising and falling with each breath. I remembering the morning after our first real fight, the morning after I told him about Natalie. It was a scary night, wondering how things were going to turn out, but there was hope then, too. Eli's right. There is still hope. I can't give up that. I lift my head off his chest and watch him sleep for just a moment before kissing him awake.

Eli's right. It's fun to practice.

* * *

"Natalie says as long as you keep it under three minutes, it should work, but she wants to know if you can manage to meet with me once a month for a while to make sure everything is okay."

Marisa thinks for a minute as she sets up everything for Ezekiel's treatment. "Actually, going to every other week for a month or two and then down to once a month would be normal. Let's do that. I won't see you next week, but I will see you the week after that."

* * *

It feels like forever since I've seen Natalie, but we haven't needed to meet, and with her being pregnant, it is harder for her to hide in another faction. So the back and forth messages are all the communication we have. She likes the idea of backing off slower than once a month on my meetings with Marisa. Hopefully her plan of cutting down Marisa's online time will work. I'm a little concerned about what will happen if it doesn't…

* * *

"Are you okay?" Danika asks me as I get ready to leave the infirmary after my appointment. She's starting her practicums and does some routine appointments on her own now.

I force myself to smile as I answer, "I'm fine."

She gives me a disbelieving look. "Just be sure to follow the directions."

A knot of fear threatens to strangle me, causing me to struggle to take a deep breath as I walk away without saying anything else.

I told Danika I'm fine, but I lied. I'm anything but fine. I'm grateful that Rodney is supervising Danika today, not Bekah. I walk quickly across the Pit to the elevator. Thankfully, I don't run into anyone I know on the way there. A couple of people start the ride with me, but they both get off before the housing floors. After the door closes behind the last one, my hand migrates to my stomach and rests there. In the faction of the brave, there is no one more scared than I am right now. It turns out the excitement and joy I thought I would feel at this moment are nonexistent.

I hold out my hand and watch it tremble slightly. I have to get myself under control before I tell Eli, before I see Eli. If he sees me like this he's going to… I don't know what he's going to do. I just know he just can't see me like this. I step out of the elevator and try to plaster a smile on my face. I'm keeping my secret for a little bit. I have to be stronger than I am right now when I tell Eli.

* * *

I tell myself I'll tell him that night, when the lights are out and we're cuddled in bed, but just about the time I think I can make my mouth open, Eli leans in and murmurs something about practicing as he kisses me, and all thoughts of telling him fly from my mind as we kiss.

* * *

"I thought you were going to have him ready!" I try not to yell the question at Eli, but the frustration is very evident in my voice.

"He's almost ready." Eli tries to defend himself. "We lost track of time."

"All I asked you to do was have Ezekiel ready. I have taken care of everything else: cleaning the apartment, fixing the food. One thing, Eli. I just asked you to help with one thing."

"It's just Rais and Jazz." Eli sounds like he's still trying to defend himself.

I take a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. I know Jazz and Rais aren't going to complain if Ezekiel isn't completely dressed when they walk in, unless Amar decides he doesn't have to be dressed too. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Eli looks at me oddly, almost... expectantly. "Hana…"

But right then, there is a knock on the door. "Get a pair of pants on him, please," I throw over my shoulder as I head to the door to let them in. I know I should have told him by now. In the last week, I've had plenty of time to tell him what I need to. He's got to be getting suspicious. I have to tell him soon, I tell myself as I smile brightly and open the door for our friends.

* * *

"What?" I take a deep breath, trying to keep myself from exploding at Eli. I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded, but he didn't just really say what I think he said about Abnegation.

Eli opens his mouth to speak, but Jazz beats him to it. "I hear Zeke has a new bed." She stands up and looks at me. "Can I see it?"

Wordlessly I stand up and we walk together to Ezekiel's room.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks worriedly.

"Did you hear what he said?" I respond back quickly, still fuming at the slight.

"Yes, I heard, and you over-reacted." Jazz's voice, although censuring, is calm and soothing, as always.

"I'm over…" I stop myself and take a deep breath, reminding myself that I am Dauntless now, and if I was still in Abnegation, I certainly wouldn't respond to what Eli just said. "I _am_ over reacting."

Jazz puts a hand on my shoulder. "Hana, what's going on? The only time I've ever seen you get this upset is when you are…" She trails off for a minute, a smile spreading slowly over her face. When she speaks, her voice is excited. "Did you invite us over here to tell us?"

I take a quick breath, then scan the area to make sure Eli and Rais didn't follow us back here. "Yes, but…it's not going to happen tonight. I still haven't told Eli." I move into the room and sit on the edge of his bed.

"Why not?" Jazz sits next to me, puzzled.

"I'm scared, Jazz. I'm terrified that something is going to happen again," I admit in a whisper.

Jazz draws me in and hugs me. "I know you are, but you have to tell him. Soon, before he figures it out on his own."

* * *

I keep Jazz's parting assurance in mind as I climb in bed with Eli. "He'll be excited. Just tell him. Maybe it will make you less worried."

"Eli…"

Eli turns to me. "Yes, Sweetheart?"

I take a deep breath to calm myself and let myself remember how excited he was each time I've told him this before. The memories bring a genuine smile to my face. "I'm pregnant."

The Pedrad grin takes up residence on Eli's face. "You're sure?"

I give a small laugh. "Very sure."

Eli kisses me, pulls back and looks at me. "Hana, promise me that during this pregnancy you won't have anything to do with whatever you do with Natalie. If you see something and need to tell her, that's one thing, but nothing more than that."

It's like he knows that I did something with Natalie right around the time… "I promise." My voice is a little weak.

"I know you think what you do is important, and I'll stick with our agreement, but..." He leans in again and kisses me. "Right now with the baby..."

I nod. "I promise, Eli, nothing but messages."

* * *

I look at the message again, hoping that I'm wording everything the right way.

 ** _Good news and bad news. The good news is we that just found out that I'm pregnant again. The bad news is that Eli made me promise not to do anything except send you messages until after the baby is born._**

 ** _You still need to let me know when yours is born._**

* * *

 ** _Congratulations! If he hadn't made the rule_** ** _,_** ** _I would have_** ** _._** ** _I hope everything goes well for you this time._**

* * *

"It's not fair." Leeann suddenly interrupts Nick's complaining of how Wyatt has decided to figure out how to streamline requisitions.

"I don't know that I'd call it unfair," Nick says slowly. "Inconvenient and a pain in the neck, yes, but not unfair."

Leeann looks around at the family around the table at Taylor's and Abram's. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. When you started talking about Wyatt, I got to thinking about what he told me today."

We all look at her expectantly. "What did he tell you?" Taylor finally asks quizzically.

"You can't tell anyone. I'm not sure I'm supposed to know. I really think Wyatt let it slip by mistake." Leeann takes a deep breath. "They are redoing the fear simulations, for everyone. We've already done it before. They shouldn't make us do it again."

"All of us?" Eli asks, gripping my hand under the table. I can hear a note of concern in his voice. They talked about this back when he was in the Leadership Training, and he tried to get it so that people Ava's age and older wouldn't have to take it.

" _Almost_ everyone," she amends. "Aunt Taylor and Uncle Abram won't have to take it. Only those of us under the age of forty will be taking it."

I feel Eli's hand relax a little with relief.

But something else occurs to me that makes me suddenly worried: Carly. Carly might be Divergent, and if they find her… "Last time, Angie didn't have to take it because she was pregnant," I start.

Leeann laughs ruefully. "Yeah, I remember, and she gets out of it again. Abilyn, Kelly, and Angie all get a pass." She folds her arms across her chest after naming all of our friends who are currently expecting. "Maybe I should have a baby, too."

"No." Chaz's voice is emphatic, and unexpected. I thought he would have jumped on the idea. "We're not having a baby just so you can avoid something. If you have changed your mind, that's one thing, and we'll talk, but having a baby isn't something that you do just to avoid something you don't want to do."

There is a long, somewhat awkward silence when Chaz finishes speaking.

"When are they retesting?" Nick says in order to break it.

"Shortly after Initiation, but you can't tell that you know. They aren't announcing it until closer to Choosing Day," Leeann reminds him.

"Are they going retest them after the babies are born?" Eli asks, looking at me.

For the briefest of moments, I wonder why he's looking at me, and then I remember. I'm not taking the test, either.

Leeann pouts. "No, they get out of it."

Eli leans in and kisses my forehead. "Good timing."

I smile back at him, shaking my head.

Taylor looks at both of us hope in her eyes. "I take it Hana isn't going to have to take it, either."

* * *

By Choosing Day, I'm worried about Tori. The closer we get to that brief time when she and George were both here last year, the angrier she gets. Her eyes blaze with barely controlled fury most days. It's not as bad as the days, weeks, months, after he died, but she's back to avoiding people and muttering to herself.

I admit to Eli about how worried I am about her, and that I'm concerned about her for the anniversary of his death.

Neither of us remind the other one that we have our own anniversary of loss shortly after hers. I've already made an appointment with Lois for the day before the first anniversary of Angel's death.

When I talk to him about checking up on Tori that day, he asks me if I'm really up to it. Truthfully, I don't know, but at the same time, I don't want her to be alone.

* * *

Visiting Day is a bittersweet day for me. Because by meeting with Mom, I broke the Faction Before Blood rule, they've had to pretend that they don't know their granddaughter died. That makes it the day that officially, they find out their granddaughter died.

It's also going to be the day they find out I'm pregnant, again.

I sit on the bed, thinking about it, about how for once, my family won't be the last ones to know, since we decided not to tell anyone outside of the family that I'm pregnant until I've felt the baby move this time.

Leeann is bursting at the seams these days. She says she understands why we don't want to tell anyone yet, but that doesn't make it any easier for her not to tell. If I was making her keep just about any other secret for any other reason, I probably would have given in and let her tell by now, but this secret… I can't. I'm not ready to have anyone asking me about it until I can feel the baby move and I have an answer to give them.

This baby is either going to have to move soon, or I'm going to have to give up on the idea of waiting for it to move, though. My body seems to remember what it is supposed to do when I'm pregnant, and my clothes are tighter every single day. I don't know how much longer I can hold off on the maternity clothes.

* * *

Eli got permission from Kayla to bring Ezekiel with us today. She agreed because of the "extenuating circumstances."

When I accuse Eli of not telling her I was pregnant again, his only response is the Pedrad grin and a comment of, "She didn't ask."

I can tell from the look in Mom's eyes that she wishes Ezekiel was still in the cuddling stage, but truth be told, he's always been Dauntless, always been active. His cuddling stage didn't seem to last too long. I wonder about the new little one, the promise of which brought tears to Mom's eyes when we told her, when I feel it for the second time today: that reassuring flutter that shifts the axis of my world now that I'm sure that's what it is, and not just nerves from jumping on the train once again while pregnant.

"Eli." I take his hand, even though I'm in a room full of Abnegation. "The baby moved."

"You're sure?" His hand reaches out to touch the baby even though he knows it will be at least a month before he can feel it too.

"I'm sure."

When I look around the room, only Isaac's eyes are dry, and I'm not entirely sure about that. Mom stands up, walks over to me, kneels down and whispers to her grandchild. "Now, you listen to Grandma. You keep kicking your mommy. You kick her regularly so she knows you're okay. You have my permission."

The Abnegation in the room each give a small smile at her statement. Eli laughs. My focus changes in that moment. Now, I'm tracking time and movements, hoping and praying after each kick that the next one will follow and that everything is okay.

* * *

Some instinct tells me Tori be at the Chasm tonight. I walk by at the same time I spirited George out that night last year, and find I Tori there, leaning against the rail at the spot where Natalie planted the body.

I stand next to her without saying a word. At first she ignores me and stares down at the rocks and waves below.

"Do you think he suffered?" Her low voice is barely audible over the waves.

I leave the question alone. The way the body was damaged to make sure no one could tell that it wasn't George also made it look like there was probably a great deal of pain involved.

We stand together, both of us experiencing the pain of loss again, and yet we are worlds apart in how we have coped with it. "I will never forgive them for killing him," she promises through gritted teeth.

I wonder, before I respond, if she would forgive me for saving his life in such a painful manner. "Maybe one day you will learn to. Anger, hate, rage, lack of forgiveness hurts you more than it hurts them."

Tori presses her lips together until they disappear into a thin line before she finally responds. "I won't forgive them until they are dead. They killed him, Hana, they _murdered_ him. I keep hold of the hate and anger, because that is all I have left. Without them, I'd be a shell. Revenge is what keeps me alive right now. I will have it."

The silence grows again as I wonder if I would react differently if our places were changed and she had lost a baby and I had lost a beloved brother.

"Do you think there is a life after this? Do you think that he regrets leaving me?" Her voice is soft and pleading.

"I'm sure there is a life after this, and I'm sure he wishes he could have stayed with you," I answer softly. Tori turns to me, and in that moment I finally get to do what I've wanted to do ever since the moment I left George at the top of the staircase to the Chasm.

That night I hugged him good-bye for her. Tonight, a year later, I finally get to hug her good-bye for him.


	40. Chapter 40- Discovery

**Back when Hana had her** **stillbirth,** **I told you that Eli was actually the one who told me about their daughter. This chapter started life as the spoiler where he told me about the baby and the fact that she didn't live.**

 **Chapter 40 Discovery**

The day after I met with Tori at the Chasm, I get a message from Natalie that makes me smile.

 ** _Caleb Prior was born three days ago. I'm home now. Right now his eyes are_** ** _blue, but_** ** _I'm still hoping they will turn green like Dad's. He's_** ** _a content baby so far._**

 ** _How are you doing?_**

I smile broadly, glad to hear that everything is okay for Natalie.

 ** _Congratulations. I'm glad to hear that._**

 ** _Everything is going well so far. I've started feeling the baby move. It's a good feeling._**

* * *

The first anniversary of Angel's death is a bright day. I work hard all day to keep myself busy, but I find myself concentrating all day long on the movements of the baby. It's still too tiny to move too much, and the hour that passes at one point in time without feeling it move is torture. All I can do is worry that I will never feel it again. It is worse than the night I fell asleep waiting for my Angel to move. I didn't know she was dead then. Now, the baby is alive, but when it is still, I worry that something has happened.

I make an excuse to Eli, telling him I'm just really tired, so I can try to escape the memories of last year asleep in bed. Before I'm in bed though, he finds me sitting on the mattress holding her wooden urn, crying. Without a word, Eli takes the urn from me and puts it back on my dresser. I wait for him to try to stop my tears, but he doesn't. He holds me and lets me cry, and when I'm all cried out, he reminds me there is a new baby coming and that I need to sleep for the new baby, and then he tucks me into bed.

I have never been so grateful for a day to be over.

* * *

The fear simulations for everyone were announced the night before the Aptitude test. That night, Kelly smilingly announced that she and Levi are expecting a child of their own. Lauren smiled at the news when her father was looking, but I noticed she didn't look nearly as happy about it when he turned his attention to Kelly.

The closer we get to the end of initiation and to the fear simulations, the more nervous everyone taking it seems to get. Of course, with so many of us pregnant, the guys are the main ones who will have to go through it. There is a definite division between those who will take it. The ones who have been through it before are quiet about it, almost like they are afraid that discussing it will bring up worse images. The ones who haven't been through it, with the exception of Jazz, laugh and joke about it.

Eli tries teasing Jazz about it one day, but she gives him a hard stare. "I've seen other people's fears. I know this isn't a joke." That quieted the joking for a couple of days.

* * *

"You don't seem to be too happy that Renee is following your example of sitting near the initiates at meals," I observe as casually as I can to Jazz one day when she and I are alone in the elevator. Rais and Eli have the boys by the Chasm.

"I know," Jazz agrees, "and that surprises me. Harrison always made fun of me for that. At first I thought it was vindication that I was right that we should keep an eye on them, but…"

I wait a minute, but Jazz doesn't continue. "But what?" I prompt.

"I have always sat by them because I thought if there was someone out there like… George, I would be able to tell, and I would be able to step in and help them." She gives a self-deprecating chuckle. "I was wrong about that."

"No one- not even Tori- saw that coming," I assure Jazz.

"I know. Anyway, Renee seems to be watching for something. It's like she's waiting for someone to say or do something so she can pounce. I don't like it."

We're both quiet. I don't know what Jazz is thinking, but I think about Natalie's concern that Renee is an Erudite spy. If she is, Jazz's assessment is probably pretty accurate, and it concerns me that even though she has no idea what is going on, she can see what is happening.

"It's like with George. George fascinated her. Of course, George fascinated all of us. He was _so_ good, Hana. He was more than just brave. He was unafraid. There were a couple of people in his class I was worried about and keeping an eye on. The fear simulations had them petrified. They didn't sleep. They hardly ate. They were jumpy. But George…he was none of those things. In all the simulations I've watched, and I don't think even Jeanine Matthews has seen more than I have, I've never seen anyone else come out of them as… unaffected as he was." The elevator is empty, but Jazz still looks around it like she is making sure it is as empty as she thinks it is.

"The camera is in the corner behind you," I tell her softly.

Her nod is so small I'm not even sure that's what it is, but she's careful to keep her back to it, and her voice low. "There are days I wonder if Tori is right, if someone was worried about how fast George got through them. I worry that Renee is keeping an eye out for someone else like him. Suicide has always been a part of Dauntless," Jazz tells me with a shake of her head. "But two deaths of initiates in two years? One of them a suicide and one of them questionable. The fact that Renee has been involved with both classes worries me."

"So what are you doing about it?" I ask without thinking.

Jazz smiles grimly at me, her back still to the camera. "There's one girl in this class who gets through quicker than the rest of the group - not as quick as George did, but quicker than everyone else. I've warned her to keep it to herself. I hope I'm just being paranoid, but if I'm not, I don't want her to draw attention to herself."

I'm not sure what to say to Jazz at this point in time. I can't tell her she's right and that she can't trust Renee, because I can't tell her why I know this. I don't want to tell her she's wrong to tell this girl that, because she's right. "Jazz, trust yourself. If you feel like that is what you should do, I think that's what you should do."

"I feel paranoid."

"Just because you feel paranoid, doesn't mean you're wrong." It's the closest I can come to telling her the truth.

* * *

 ** _I know you've just had a baby, and I'm pregnant and not allowed to help, but Jazz mentioned to me today that one of the_** ** _female_** ** _initiates is faster than_** ** _the others. If I find out her_** ** _name, I'll let you know._**

It's not much to go on, but that's all I know. I read the message one more time before I turn the tablet on and press send. Of course, Natalie just had a baby, so I don't know what she can do about it…

* * *

 ** _I'll try to get ahold of the_** ** _sims so I can watch them and see if I can figure out who it is. If you get a name, let me know ASAP, but don't do anything you shouldn't._**

* * *

The week after initiation is over, we have our sonogram. It's the same tech we had for Angel, but she doesn't seem to remember us. Of course, I'm sure she sees so many couples that she can't be expected to remember us.

"So, are we hoping for a boy or a girl?" she asks as she starts checking out the baby.

"Healthy," Eli says gruffly before I can say girl. I'm sure that, like me, he's thinking about our first view of Angel.

She looks at us, a little surprised by Eli's answer. "That's a given." Evidently Erudite think it is logical to hope for a healthy child.

"Our last baby died before she was born," I say softly, hoping the tears stay in my eyes.

"Well, what I can see right now," she moves the monitor over so we can see the baby, too, "is a healthy and proud big baby boy." She looks at me for a minute and then back at the monitor. "He really does look to be big for his age. The doctor may want to check on that. I'm going to mark on here that you should come back for another sonogram. I think we want to keep an eye on this one."

* * *

"Are you disappointed?" I ask Eli after we jump on the train leaving Erudite.

Eli looks at me curiously. "The baby looks to be healthy. What do I have to be disappointed about?"

"You wanted a daughter, and we're having another son."

"I was hoping for a boy this time." His soft answer surprises me. "I think it would be harder if it was another girl."

I nod knowingly. There is a part of me that wanted to give Eli the daughter he wants so badly, but a larger part of me is glad that it's a boy, too. It just seems safer, somehow. "Do you still like Uriah?" I ask in an effort to get my mind off Angel.

Eli smiles. He looks glad to be thinking of something else, too. "I still like Uriah, but I'll warn you. It may just be shortened to Uri from time to time."

I shake my head. "Well, at least Uri is better than Zeke."

* * *

Abilyn lowers herself carefully onto her seat for lunch. "Why is the last month always the longest?" she asks wearily.

Angie laughs. "Because the more you want something, the slower time seems to go. How are you doing keeping up with Shauna? I think it's having to deal with Ashley that's going to do me in."

With a smile to Ben, Abilyn answers, "Ben's taking care of her mostly these days. I'm waiting longer before having another one. Maybe it will be easier if the girls are both at least potty trained."

"You're having another one?" Angie sounds shocked. "This is it for us. Two, a girl and a boy, seems perfect. I have to admit, I can't imagine having them any closer together." Angie clamps a hand over her mouth and looks over at me when she realizes what she just said. "Sorry."

I put a hand over our little boy, like I do so often. I haven't felt him move with my hand yet, but sometimes that change in pressure will cause him to move, "It's o…" I break off in the middle of the word when he does move. I feel it with my hand. "Eli!"-

Eli turns to me, his brown eyes worried like they are anytime I act odd these days. "What?"

I take his hand and place in on the baby. "I felt him move." And a moment later I feel it again. This time Eli looks at me with wonder and excitement in his eyes.

"He just moved again!" Eli says in awe.

"I know." I laugh.

Eli leans in and kisses me. "Make him do it again."

* * *

"I thought you said you had your fear simulation this morning," I mention to a very calm Bekah. I have to admit I'm glad I'm pregnant and don't have to worry about going through my fear simulation a third time.

Bekah smiles at me. "I was supposed to, but… I found out last night at work that I don't have to take it after all."

I tilt my head and look at her, trying to figure out why she doesn't have to take it. As far as I know, there are only three exceptions. Age, but Bekah is young enough to take it. Nursing moms, but since Bekah doesn't have any kids, it can't be that. So it must be the third reason. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks." She starts to bubble a little. "I have to admit, I was starting to get a little jealous of you and Eli and how easy it is for you to get pregnant."

I force a smile. "It does seem to happen pretty regularly." I push the thought of Angel out of my mind and concentrate again on the little one to come.

* * *

When Eli finds out that, like all spouses, I have been given the day of his test off, too, he starts to protest, claiming there is no way he's going to be so upset that he needs me there. Suddenly he stops. "Wait, you mean I get an extra day with you and Zeke because I take a silly test?" He cocks his head to one side and pretends to think. "I may just be so terrified after it that I need two or three days to recover."

I struggle to keep from smiling, not wanting to encourage him. "Eli, it's going to be harder than you think."

"I've been through the fear simulations without too many problems. I don't see how this can be any worse." His confidence is evident in his voice.

Leeann shudders from her place at the table nearby. I know she is dreading this, but she's never again mentioned the idea of getting pregnant to avoid this since Chaz's firm answer that one doesn't have a baby just to avoid doing something else.

"Eli, it's not as easy as the old fear sims we did. I promise you," I say earnestly. "I've been through them twice. These fear simulations dig into the darkest corners of your brain and find fears no one, not even you, know you have. Trust me, facing Jude and thinking she was going to try to kill me again was _much_ worse than the old fear simulations."

* * *

The day of Eli's test, Ezekiel and I walk with him to the fear simulations room. His test is scheduled for after lunch, but since no one is sure exactly how long it will take them to get to him, or how long his test will take, I opt to take Ezekiel back to the apartment. He'll be able to get his nap and I can rest for a little while he does.

When I get back to our apartment in the Pire, I tell myself I will stay awake until Eli gets back from his turn. After I put Ezekiel down for his nap, I stretch out on the sofa, not to sleep, I tell myself, but just to relax a little.

Evidently between chasing an almost two year old and being pregnant again, this time with what feels like a future Dauntless boxer who is determined to keep me awake practicing all night, I am more worn out than I realize. I wake up to find Eli kneeling next to the couch with his cheek pressed against the baby and his arm wrapped around me. I feel the baby kick his cheek and watch Eli's face relax, just a little. I reach out and weave my hands into his dark hair. "Eli?" My voice is the soft voice I croon to Ezekiel when I wake him up.

"I didn't mean to wake you up." Eli doesn't look at me. He simply holds me tighter, pressing his cheek even harder into me.

The baby kicks at him again, and again. Each time it is a little stronger, like he is telling his father to give him some space.

"What's wrong?"

Eli takes his face off of me, and pulls me into a sitting position. He sits next to me and tugs me into his arms, onto his lap. "You were right. They can truly get into your head now." A small shudder runs though him. "These aren't vague fears that anyone might have. These are specific to you."

A small knot of fear instantly develops in my stomach. Eli is afraid of me helping Natalie. "What…" my voice trembles. "What did you see?"

Eli's eyes close. He takes a deep, ragged breath. This isn't going to be good. Who was watching his simulation? How much trouble will there be if he did see me working with Natalie? "I saw you lose the baby. Just like last time," he finally responds.

My arms tighten around him. "He's fine. He's active. He kept me up last night kicking and hitting me. He's not like…" my voice trails off. Even if I am trying to comfort Eli, it hurts me too much to go farther.

I feel Eli nod against my face. "I know, but, Hana, that's my deepest fear. The one I've never said out loud to anyone, not even you, and they found it."

I finally realize what he means. Neither of us has mentioned to the other one what happened the last time I was pregnant. It's like we both think if we don't mention it while I'm pregnant this time, it can't happen again. We have both tried to ignore our fear by not talking about it, even to each other, but I know we've both been afraid of something happening since the moment we found out I was pregnant again. I take a deep breath.

"You were on the hospital bed like…" He swallows hard.

"I remember," I cut in so he doesn't have to say it. It's hard enough just think about that day. It's impossible to relive it in words.

"The doctor was there telling us… telling us…" I watch him swallow hard and try again, "Telling us he was dead."

I bite my lip and feel the tears in my own eyes. I have tried everything to keep from thinking of the day we lost our Angel since I found out I was pregnant again. Any time those thoughts come, I make myself think about our new baby and once I could feel him move, I've kept track of his movement, silently thankful each time I feel him move, inwardly panicking anytime he goes more than half an hour without me feeling him. Suddenly, losing him becomes a possibility in my heart, too. I can't lose him. I don't think I can make it through that again with my sanity.

"The difference was," Eli's voice has a far-off quality to it, "this time I knew it wasn't real. I could even think of things I could do that would keep it from happening in front of me again. I knew if I got a different doctor, the answer would be different. I knew if I made them deliver the baby, I could hold him, I could _will_ him to live, and he would. I knew there were any number of things I could do to change it." He looks up at me for the first time. "But I didn't do any of them, because I knew it wasn't real. I knew it wouldn't change what happened to our little girl." There are tears in his eyes. The tears I never saw when she died fill his eyes now and slowly cut a path down his face. "I decided I needed to face it this way, so I could let go of it. So I could enjoy this," his hand moves from around me to touch where our baby is making his presence known, "instead of worrying every moment that it will happen again."

I kiss his temple, and his nose, and his lips. When our lips part, what he just said dawns on me. There is a moment of blind panic that rises up in my heart with that realization. "Eli," my voice is barely a whisper, "you knew it wasn't real?"

He nods.

He was _aware_.

I crush him in my arms. The terror I feel every time I help Natalie pales in comparison to this. I try to take a deep breath, but it is ragged and shallow. I am about to panic.

"Hana?" It's his turn to be puzzled by my reaction.

"Did you tell them?" My voice is so soft that I am shocked when he answers me.

"Tell them what?" He looks at me for the first time.

"Did you tell them that you were aware, that you knew it wasn't real?" I'm sure my eyes are wild.

"No."

"And you didn't do anything to try to save the baby during the simulation?"

He shakes his head.

"You let him die." My voice is firm. I'm sure it sounds angry to him, but I'm not upset. I'm scared.

"Yes," Eli confirms. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad at him for that decision, but truthfully I am relieved.

I sigh deeply, and sag against him. His secret is still safe. Even if he doesn't know he has a secret, I know. I know, and it changes everything. "Don't _ever_ tell anyone else you knew it wasn't real." My voice is stern with fear. "If they have you do this again, do what you did this time. Go with it, don't ever change anything, and just go with it. Never, _ever_ admit to anyone you knew it was a simulation while you were in it."

"Hana?"

I shake my head. "I need to talk to Natalie."

He opens up his mouth to protest. I know he's about to remind me of the promise I made him the day we found out I was pregnant again, that I wouldn't have anything to do with her until after the baby was born.

I place a finger on his lips. "I have to talk to Natalie, and Natalie is going to let me tell you everything about what is going on."

Eli's brows knit in confusion. "Why, after all this time, do you think Natalie is going to change her mind now?" His voice is incredulous.

I take a deep breath and look him straight in the eyes. "Because, Eli, now we know _you're_ part of what we do."

"What, exactly," he looks me straight in the eyes, expecting me to _finally_ answer the question he has asked me over and over again, "do you do?"

I take a deep breath. I should talk to Natalie first, but I'm not going to. I'm not going to take the chance that she won't let me tell him. Protecting Eli, making sure he understands that he has a secret, and how important it is that he keeps this a secret, has a higher priority to me than waiting for Natalie to give me permission to tell him. "We protect the Divergent among us."

 **And there is the answer to the question I've avoided answering several times.** **Yes, Eli** **is Divergent.**

 **On another note, all the Dauntless pregnancies for this class have now been mentioned. How many of the babies and parents can you match?**

 **Parents, in order of due dates with** **gender (not always mentioned in the story yet):**

 **Abilyn and Ben- girl**

 **Carly and Micah- girl**

 **Angie and Rob- boy**

 **Kelly and Levi- boy**

 **Hana and Eli- boy**

 **Bekah and Conner- girl**

 **Babies, in alphabetical order:**

 **(girls)** **Lynn, Marlene, and Rita**

 **(boys) Gabe, James, and Uriah**

 **You should be able to get one girl** **and one boy right! Good luck on the rest of them!**

 **Leave me a review and** **include who you think is having each baby!**

 **Oh, and one more thing. There is another character** **, someone besides Eli, who thought you should see their fear simulation from their point of view. So if you leave a review (with our without who you think is going to be the parent of each child)… you can find out who it is** **, and what** **they had to face!**


	41. Chapter 41 - The Bigger Picture

**Thank you so much for waiting patiently on this chapter. Several things have conspired against it, technology... jobs... but here it is!**

 **Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, especially to those of you who guessed on the Dauntless babies. There are a few chapters we need to get through before they start being born, so if you still want to guess, there is still time.**

 **Oh! And I remembered when I was reading them that there is actually a pretty good clue on the boys. You have to know Divergent (specifically Tris's Choosing Ceremony) and caught a small detail in the first chapter of this story. That's the only hint I'm giving.**

 **There was also a mention of Rita having a sister... that's not canon. I've checked it several times. I've seen that in Fanfic, but the girl that Rita is upset about dying is never named as her sister so... I'm going with her being her best friend. (See Random Voices Divergent, Max.) It seems like Dauntless would try to space out their kids more. As one of the characters pointed out when Eli told them Hana was pregnant the second time, jumping on a train with two infants would be difficult.**

 **I'm sure you want to read the chapter, and not just my ramblings, so with many thanks to Bahrfamily for Betaing this chapter, too, (and listening to my moan about lack of motivation in general and wanting to avoid the chapter I'm writing specifically) here it is.**

 **Chapter 41 The Bigger Picture**

Until Ezekiel wakes up from his nap, Eli's hand never leaves my belly. When he goes ten minutes without moving once, I feel Eli start to poke at him.

"He's okay, Eli," I assure him. "He has to rest, too. He's more active than Ezekiel, but there are times he'll go over an hour without moving."

"Is this what your days are like?" Eli asks me softly. "Do you keep track of every movement and how long it has been since the last?"

Part of me screams that I should lie, that I should make it sound like I am braver than I am, but that's not what Eli needs right now. Right now he needs the truth that I know exactly what is going on with our son. "Yes, Eli, if you ever want to know what time the last time he moved was, I can tell you."

Eli kisses the top of my head. "Should we have waited longer? Should we have left Zeke as an only child?"

I look at him, shocked that he can have such an idea. "No! I want our baby." I put my hands protectively over him, and he responds with a flutter of movement.

Eli relaxes as soon as he moves. "I never thought about what this would be like for you. I never thought about how difficult it would be for you to carry him. I can go hours and forget, but you never can, can you?"

"I never can," I admit, "but I figured that it was easier on me than on you."

"How do you figure that?" Eli sounds puzzled.

"I always know how long it has been since he's moved," I answer simply.

"True." Eli smiles a small, tender smile at me. "But I know that if anything seems to be wrong, you'll tell me immediately. No waiting a day and checking when I'm not around this time, right?"

"I've talked to Bekah. If he doesn't move for four hours, I'm supposed to let her know, and I'll let you know, too. But Eli, nothing is going to happen this time. Uriah's going to grow up to be like his daddy," I pronounce solemnly.

"How do you figure that?"

"Because the tech already said that Uri," I try out the nickname Eli seems to think he's going to end up with. It not too bad. I run my hands along Eli's broad shoulders, "is big for his age, and I'm sure that, like Zeke," that name is every bit as bad as I've always felt it was, "he's going to follow his daddy around and learn to be caring and protective like you."

* * *

"What is your plan?" Eli asks me as we start getting Ezekiel ready to go for dinner.

I don't have to ask what he's talking about. He's talking about Natalie. "I'm not sure yet. She knows I'm not supposed to meet with her, so asking to get together is going to be suspicious, and I don't want to tell her about it through a message."

"Why not?"

I take a long breath while I try to figure out how to tell him this. "Natalie is caught between her job and our friendship. I don't want to give her supervisors from the outside a chance to influence her. I don't want them to be able to stop her from telling us anything, and everything, she wants to."

"Why don't _you_ just tell me?"

"I've told you most of what I know already. Natalie always told me the less I know, the safer I am. Here's what I do know: someone who is Divergent has an aptitude for more than one faction. I think there's more to it than that, but I don't know what it is," I admit.

"You've been protecting these people, and you don't even know what makes them so important?" Eli sounds shocked.

It takes everything I have to smile at him. "Eli, I was raised a Stiff. If someone is in danger, I _have_ to help them."

Eli draws me into his arms and kisses my hairline. "I've never given your former faction credit for bravery. I guess I should."

* * *

It takes me another day to come up with what I hope is a workable idea so that we can see Natalie. We leave Dauntless at dark. Our black clothes act as camouflage against the night. We catch a train headed to the Abnegation section.

"What's your plan?" Eli asks while walking around the train in an attempt to keep Ezekiel happy in his carrier.

"We're going to the Abnegation distribution center. I have a key that I think will work. We'll borrow some Abnegation clothing and walk right over to Natalie's and Andrew's house." I sound more confident in my plan than I am. I know where the Distribution Center is. I used to go there with Mom to pick up clothes for our family after Gayle moved out. I _think_ I know where Natalie lives. She told me in passing where they moved to after they found out they were expecting. I just hope I remember right. It's going to be hard to explain what is going on if we knock on the wrong door, and even harder if it is someone I knew growing up. I put my hand in my pocket and finger the Memory Serum Natalie gave me, hoping I don't need to use it.

* * *

"How can I help you?" Andrew says in a bland Abnegation voice.

I take a deep breath, relieved that I remembered their house number right.

"I know you don't know me but I'm Hana, and I need to see Natalie." I motion Eli to bring Ezekiel up the stairs.

Andrew's only response is to raise his eyebrows in surprise. "Natalie is upstairs with Caleb." He moves out of the door so we can come in.

"Andrew, who is…" Natalie's voice trails off when she sees us.

"Natalie." Eli's voice is stern as he gives the Abnegation head nod.

"What is going on here?" Natalie hisses in a very un-Abnegation manner.

"Natalie," Andrew's voice holds a hint of reproach.

"It's okay, Andrew, they both know things are a little different here," Natalie says smoothly.

"You have to start remembering about Caleb. He can't know. He can't suspect," Andrew reminds her sternly.

"I need to get in the habit now," Natalie responds in her own bland Abnegation voice. I had never realized she didn't use her "normal" voice around me. "You're right."

Ezekiel chooses that moment to make his way over to Natalie. "Baby," he says, looking up at Caleb.

"That's right," I tell Ezekiel. "That's a baby."

"Why are you here? Why are you _all_ here?" Natalie asks, looking between our boys.

"Eli had his fear simulation yesterday." I pause to let that sink in.

Natalie turns to me. "What happened?"

Eli is the one to answer her. "I knew it wasn't real. It felt real, but I knew if I wanted to, I could change the outcome."

"I didn't say anything to him until he told me that. I promise," I say in response to the look Natalie gives me.

"Did you change anything? Did you do anything that would allow them to know that you knew it wasn't real? Did you tell them you knew it wasn't real?" Natalie asks in rapid fire succession, motioning for us to sit down.

"No," Eli says softly as we sit on the couch next to each other. "When I got out, I was shaken and in a hurry to get to Hana, so that… so that I knew the baby was okay."

Natalie's green eyes flash a sudden understanding. "They may come back and ask you questions about it. 'In order to better understand our scientific research'." She ends in a fair imitation of Jeanine Matthews. "Lie. You didn't know it wasn't real. You had to get away because even when you were out of it and realized it was a simulation, it felt so real that you had to check on Hana… and the baby," she adds, correctly guessing his simulation had something to do with that.

Eli nods. "I will, but why do I need to do that?"

Natalie takes a deep breath and turns her gaze to her husband. "Andrew, I don't want to say anything I shouldn't. Can you give them the explanation the Abnegation leaders are given?"

Andrew looks at each of us in turn. Outside of school, Tori and Bekah are the only Erudite I've ever spent much time with, but I can see that there is still a great deal of Erudite left in him. I watch him sort through facts and possibilities in his head before finally deciding on how he is going to proceed. "Our city," he starts, "was founded in response to war. People can be cruel to each other in so many ways. War brings out the worst in all of us. It brings out the hate, the dishonesty, the stupidity, the cowardliness, and the selfishness in all of us." He shifts slightly. "In other words, war brings out the opposite of the principles this city was founded upon: friendship, honesty, intelligence, bravery, and selflessness. We have been completely separated from the rest of the country, the rest of the world, for generations, in order to see if human beings can be improved when we focus our lives on these positive attributes instead of the negative ones.

"We started out with no Factionless. Everyone fit into a faction. They had a sense of community, a sense of belonging. Almost everyone in a faction had minds that thought the same way. Over the generations, we have seen an anticipated evolution. People's minds have become more flexible. They can think in ways that match more than one faction." That statement catches Eli's attention. He shifts Ezekiel and leans forward, not wanting to miss anything Andrew says. "These people whose minds are more flexible are referred to as Divergent."

"And they have a tendency towards more than one faction?" Eli questions. "On Choosing Day, they may be torn between two pieces of themselves?"

"Exactly," Andrew agrees. "What other faction did you consider?"

Eli starts, surprised that Andrew realized he was speaking from experience. Then he shakes his head, realizing he shouldn't have been. Andrew already knows he's Divergent. "Amity. I just couldn't leave my family."

Andrew nods several times, like he's thinking absentmindedly. "And do you know if you have any family ties to Amity?"

Eli laughs. "My sister went there, and my father is from there. I also know my great-great-grandma was from Amity. Who knows how many more I'm unaware of?"

Andrew gives a small smile back. "Interesting. We've started trying to keep track of the factions the family has been in. It seems like families like yours that go back and forth between the same two factions have more Divergent than families where…"

"Andrew," Natalie softly says his name to get his attention.

"Sorry," Andrew mutters. "I find it interesting, but of course, right now you're concerned about what this means for your family, not what we think may cause it. Actually," he turns to Natalie, "this is probably where you need to take over."

Natalie focuses her attention on Caleb for a moment, then raises her eyes to Eli and speaks in her measured Abnegation tone. "I believe Hana told you that I wasn't born here, that I come from outside of the city. About six years ago, people who are Divergent started dying under mysterious circumstances. The people outside of the fence got concerned about it and I volunteered to come in and check it out. Hana," Natalie gives me a genuine smile, "is very observant and figured out I wasn't exactly what I seemed. She called me on it and she's been helping me keep an eye on what is going on."

"By watching from the control room?" Eli verifies.

"Mostly," Natalie hedges, giving me a sideways glance.

"I've helped her get a few Divergent out, too." I take a deep breath. It's time to see how Eli responds to the truth. I'm not going to admit everything, but… "Remember how you accused me of having something to do with Ava's death?"

Eli closes his eyes, remembering those months we were at odds. "Yes," he answers after he opens them back up.

"You were right, except I watched her take her simulation and realized when she was talking to Norton and Jeanine that Ava is Divergent," I explain.

Eli looks at me dumbfounded. "Norton _and_ Jeanine?"

"As nearly as we can figure out, they are the ones responsible for the Divergent that have died," Natalie admits. "I think it is a case of they are afraid of what they cannot understand."

"If we just tell Jeanine what is going on…help her to understand…" Andrew begins.

"No." Natalie raises her tone to Andrew, causing Caleb to flinch in his sleep. "You _remember_ the Factionless man she experimented on. You _saw_ what happened there when she was researching something. She _cannot_ be allowed to experiment on the Divergent. Telling her is not going to help. It's going to make things worse, because she still won't understand."

The Priors stare at each other. Eli finally clears his throat. "What happened with Ava?"

"We had to make sure they didn't kill her, so Hana and I faked her death and spirited her out of Dauntless," Natalie finishes the story.

"Ava is still alive?" Eli questions in a surprised tone.

"You told me it had better be worth what I was putting everyone through. I would say Ava being alive, even if everyone else thinks she is dead, is better than her really being dead." I look unwaveringly into Eli's eyes.

Eli swallows hard, twice. "It is," he says, a little choked up. "Is there anyone else?"

I take a deep breath. "Yes, there are more, but I don't want to tell you about any others you might know."

"Why not?" Eli sounds hurt.

"Eli, you don't want to have to keep the secrets I do."

His eyebrow quirks at me. "What do you mean?"

"I haven't been able to tell anyone that Ava is alive. I've had to bury that knowledge, even though there are times when I want so badly to let someone know that she is alive. Every time Leeann mentions missing Ava at work, my heart aches because I know Ava's alive, and I can't tell Leeann that. Every time I see her husband stare into the Chasm looking lost, I feel guilty, because a few words from me would take away his pain. Every time I see her daughter with her children, I know I'm the reason they don't have their grandmother around. It's hard, Eli."

Eli wraps his free arm around me and holds me for a moment. "And I haven't made it any easier."

"You didn't know," I assure him.

"That's right." He glares at Natalie. "I didn't know."

"You couldn't know. You shouldn't know. This isn't information that needs to get out there. But for better or worse, you're part of this club now. You have to know what you're up against. I'm hoping that you are right, but I'm going to have to keep a sharp eye out for your name," Natalie finishes up wearily.

"What do you mean?" Eli's brows knit together in confusion.

Natalie takes a deep breath. "Jeanine is running Dauntless through their fear simulations to see who can manipulate it. Anyone who can manipulate it is simulation aware, and that's one of the signs of being Divergent. If you manipulated it, and it sounds like you didn't, then I'm going to have to add you to a growing list."

"What list?" Eli asks, although I'm sure he's already figured it out.

"The list of Divergent in Dauntless. The list of people I'm going to have to get out."

Eli turn to me. " _That's_ what you meant when you said the fewer people who were tested, the safer you would be. The fewer people tested should mean the few Divergent they find. The fewer Divergent they find, the fewer you need to get out. The fewer you need to get out…"

"The safer I am," I finish for him.

Eli looks from Ezekiel to my rounded belly. "The kids?"

"They each have at least a fifty-fifty chance of being Divergent because you are. We don't know of any Divergent in Hana's family, so that keeps the chances down," Natalie informs us.

Eli looks at Ezekiel, at where Uriah is making his presence known, and at me again.

"I don't know how many Divergent you will find in Dauntless, but if you need our help…" Eli looks at me again and then at Natalie, " _either_ of our help, let us know." He turns his attention back to me. "I understand now why you need to do this. I don't like you being involved in this. Don't ask me to ever like it, but now I understand why what you do with Natalie is so important. I release you from your promise not to help Natalie while you're pregnant, as long as you promise to be careful, and not to overdo it."

I make a "X" motion over my heart. "I promise."

Natalie looks relieved. "Thank you. I've been a little worried about how I'm going to pull this off without Hana's help. I'm going to try to keep you out of it as much as possible, though."

Eli looks offended. "Why?"

"I can answer that." Andrew chooses that moment to reenter the conversation. "Because you, like me, are too well-known. You were up for Dauntless leadership. Everyone in the faction knows who you are, and many people outside of the faction know who you are. With your piercings, you can't pass for any faction except Dauntless. Hana, like Natalie, just kind of blends in. Neither of our wives draw too much attention to themselves."

Eli's eyes stray to my chest and I know he's thinking of the tattoo I have there, but no one can see Angel's handprint, so I can pass as being something other than Dauntless. "I don't like it, but that makes sense."

Natalie takes a deep breath. "I'm going out on a limb here to make this offer to the two of you, but I'll make it happen if you decide this is what you want. I'll get your family out with the rest of the Divergent if you want to leave."

Eli looks at Natalie. "Nick, Leeann, Chaz… all of us?"

I find it odd that he doesn't mention his parents. Then I remember Evan and I wonder if his uncle being Factionless keeps him from including them.

"No," Natalie shakes her head sadly. "Your family in this room. I can only get the rest of them out if they are Divergent. But with you being Divergent and Hana helping me, if you want to leave and go somewhere safer for people who are Divergent, I will make it happen."

* * *

Eli is quiet as we retrace our steps, stopping first at the Abnegation Distribution center to change into our clothes. Natalie told us to keep what we are wearing, just in case we need to come visit her again. Neither of us mentions that I already have Abnegation clothes down in the Chasm room. I'm not sure if it is because neither of us wants Eli to know that yet, or if it is because we both realize that right now, they won't fit me, and if I'm going to end up helping Natalie out, I may just need the maternity clothes I'm wearing again.

By the time we get home, Eli is still silent and I'm starting to get worried. What if we told him too much? What if he's mad at me for keeping silent on everything for so long? What if…

Eli opens the door and whispers, "I'm going to put him down." I follow him as he carries the sleeping Ezekiel into his bedroom.

We both watch him sleep- correctly, at least for now- on his bed. Eli stands behind me and wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. "I need to go for a walk and think about Natalie's offer. I'm not worried for me. I think I got by without anyone knowing. I'm worried for the boys." His hand migrates down to Uriah, who rewards his dad with a strong kick. "I'm worried for you. If they ever catch you helping Natalie…"

"I'm careful. We're both careful," I amend.

"I know you are, but…" He doesn't finish his sentence. He doesn't need to. We both know that Eli has this need to be able to protect the people he loves. He finally picks up with another train of thought. "I just don't know about leaving Leeann behind. Nick would survive. Mom and Dad would survive, but Leeann… ever since her mom died, she's been more fragile. I'm worried about what all of us dying would do to her."

I nod against his head in agreement; that thought had crossed my mind, too.

He turns me around and kisses me gently on the lips. "Get some sleep. Uriah needs you to stay calm and take care of yourself. I just need some time to think. I'll be back in an hour or so. You should be asleep."

I join our hands together and walk him to the front door. We kiss again. "I love you," I whisper when our lips part.

"I love you, too. Whatever I decide, I'll talk to you before I give Natalie an answer, but I need to make sure I understand the bigger picture."

I give Eli a slight smile. I know my husband. He needs some time to think this through and although he'll listen to me, he'll probably have his mind made up by the time he gets back, and that's okay. I've left family before. If he decides that is what we need to do to keep the kids safe, I can do it again, but I hope I don't have to.

 **So, if you want to know about Eli's walk, be sure to review this chapter, although I'll warn you, it's not Eli who's going to tell you about it. He actually has gone to look for someone, and that person is the one who wants to tell you what happens next.**

 **As a reminder, since I had a Guest reviewer ask about the last POV, I can only send this to you if you have a Fanfiction account. But if you leave a review as a Guest with these chapters** **,** **it will let me know there is an interest in me publishing these as a Random Voice for the Dauntless Gray series when I'm finished.**

 **And Shori, THIS POV is the one I was talking about in our PM's after the last chapter. You can find out if your prediction is right or not.**


	42. Chapter 42- The Plan

**Sorry about the delay, Bahrfamily and I have both been busy with end of the summer/beginning of the school year activities. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Most of you seemed to guess who Eli went to talk to, but I'm glad you enjoyed seeing it.**

 **Thank you, Bahrfamily, for working this into a crowded week.**

 **Anyway, here is the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it, too. If you get a chance, please leave me a review. I love hearing what you think about the story.**

 **Chapter 42 The Plan**

"You and Ezekiel stay behind me," I tell Eli as we stand by the light outside of Natalie's room.

"Why?" Eli asks as he holds tight to Ezekiel's hand.

I check the hall and reach up into the light to turn on the loop. "This creates a loop on the cameras so no one sees where we are going. Come on." I walk over to Natalie's old room, open the door, and walk in.

Andrew sits in the chair that Natalie usually is lounging in while Natalie lays on the bed. She stands up, revealing a sleeping Caleb on the bed. "Thank you both for coming."

"What do you need?" I ask.

Andrew stands up and walks over to Ezekiel. "Will he come with me? I'm here to keep an eye on the boys while you three talk."

I hand Andrew my bag. "You should find something in here to keep him busy."

Natalie takes her normal chair, and I motion for Eli to take the other chair. I perch on the table like I have many times before. Natalie looks at us seriously. "What have you decided? Are you staying or leaving?"

Eli looks at me when he answers Natalie. "If we can't get out Leeann, Chaz, and Nick, then we all stay."

Natalie nods her understanding. "That was the answer I was expecting. The list is longer than I expected, but none of their names are on it." She hands a list to Eli. "These are the Divergent that Erudite know about. We need to get all of them out. I had hoped that one or two little accidents would do it, but… I don't know how I'm going to get them all out." She hands the list to Eli first. "Do you have any ideas on how these people are connected? How I can get them all together for one big accident, I'm thinking a train accident."

Eli scans the paper and whistles. "That's quite a varied group. Let's see, do you have a sheet of paper I can work this all out on?"

Natalie hands Eli another blank sheet of paper and he starts writing names down with arrows going from one to another as he tries to work out connections.

At first Natalie and I are silent as he works; then she asks quietly. "Boy or girl this time?"

"Another boy."

"You realize he and Caleb will do their Choosing together," Natalie points out.

"I've thought of that," I admit.

"It's hard to imagine them leaving us, when they are so small." Natalie looks over where Caleb sleeps and Andrew plays trains with Zeke.

"Maybe it is hard for you, because you know another way, but this is all I've ever known. As long as I can remember, parents have watched their children and have wondered if they will stay or if they will go. I watch Ezekiel and analyze everything he does. Is it Dauntless? Is it Abnegation? Is it Amity? He may be only two next month, but I already wonder what he will do in fourteen years. Will he go? Will he stay? And now that I know about Eli…" I look over at my husband who continues to study his papers and I drop my voice, "I worry about him being Divergent like his dad."

We're both quiet, lost in our own thoughts.

"What happens to Amar?" Eli suddenly asks.

"Who is Amar?" Natalie sounds genuinely puzzled. "I don't remember Amar. He's not on the list, so he stays."

"You pull out both of his parents, and leave him behind?" Eli sounds outranged.

I look at Eli, dumbfounded. "Jazz _and_ Rais? Both of them are on this list?" I move so I can look at the list over his shoulder. There they are, both of them.

"I forgot Jazz was pregnant when I left," Natalie says. "Amar is their son?"

"Yes." Eli glares at her.

"Then he goes too," she says simply. "If both of his parents are Divergent, it's almost a guarantee that he will be, too. Are there any other couples that I've missed?"

Eli relaxes a little bit after hearing that Amar stays with his parents. "No, but you are going to be leaving many widow and widowers Not to mention the kids who will be losing a parent. Are you sure…?"

Natalie takes a deep breath. "You have no idea what it is like out there for someone who isn't Divergent. It's kinder to leave them here."

"But you would take Hana out?" Eli sounds accusing.

"I truly believe that because she has helped me, I can keep things from being as hard on Hana, and Hana would have something none of the other spouses would have." Natalie smiles at Eli. "She would have you. You wouldn't leave Hana for anything. You have no idea the pressure they will put on you under to do just that. You are the only one I know strong enough to resist it."

"How do you know if you don't try?" Eli challenges her.

"Eli, I've lived there. I know that it is actually forbidden on the other side of the fence for a Divergent to marry someone who isn't. They even try to discourage people who aren't Divergent from having kids. Trust me," Natalie's green eyes turn on him pleading him to believe her. "It would take an amazingly strong person to stand up against them for the rest of a lifetime. I know you are principled enough to do it. I don't know about Phil." Natalie mentions one of my co-workers in the control room whose name is on the list.

I've continued glancing down the page as they've had their discussion. One name startles me so much that it falls from my lips involuntarily. "Marley?"

Eli turns from Natalie and laughs a little at me. "I have to admit, that one surprised me, too, until I got to thinking. She's so good at math that I'm guessing that her second faction would be Erudite."

"Fear simulations don't tell what someone's other faction would be," Natalie answers in response to Eli's questioning look. "I have a feeling the Aptitude Test that Jeanine is working on will do that."

"Has she gotten any further?" I ask Natalie as Eli turns back to his papers. Last I knew, she had finished the Abnegation and Amity part of the test and was working on Candor, but I haven't heard anything since Marisa and Natalie started communicating without me again.

"Fortunately, she is still struggling with Candor. It seems to be giving her some problems." The small grin that doesn't belong in Abnegation makes me think Natalie may be responsible for some of her problems.

Eli turns back to his page of names and arrows and starts making a list. "You have two groups. One group everyone knows Rais and Jazz. The other group are friends with Marley."

"What about a connection between them?" Natalie asks.

"Before I tell you the connection, I have a question of my own. Amira?"

"What about Amira?" Natalie's voice is wary.

"Was Amira's death one of the reasons you came here?" Eli's gaze holds Natalie's.

She looks him in the eye just as steadily. "Yes."

Eli nods once. "The connection between them is me."

* * *

By the time we leave, Caleb has been up once for Natalie to feed him. Ezekiel has sat there watching him the entire time he was awake, fascinated by the baby, who mainly laid on his back and played with his toes. Natalie comments on that and how she hopes it means Ezekiel will be a good big brother.

We leave that night with a game plan of questionable possibility in place. Natalie is not too happy with some of the concessions she had to make with Eli, and Eli is still not happy that he didn't win all of his points, but compromises mean that everyone gives a little and gets a little, and they are both content with what they gained.

"We've got about an hour until Ezekiel's bedtime." Eli checks his watch. "Let's go talk to Rais and Jazz now."

"I'm going to miss them the most," I say softly. I knew more people on the list than I expected to.

Eli puts an arm around me and hugs me close. His lips brush the top of my head in a kiss. "I am, too, but if what you say is true, I'm with you. I'd rather them be alive and have to pretend they are dead than to have them really die."

We're quiet the rest of the way up to Jazz's and Rais's apartment. There are other people nearby the rest of the time, and this is _not_ a conversation to have other people overhear.

The first private moment we have to say anything is when we are on their floor walking towards their apartment. "I feel the worst for Sultana and Kamil. To lose all of them at once." My voice is filled with pain.

"I know. I've thought of that, too, but when Amira died…" Eli's voice trails off unexpectedly.

"Who _is_ Amira?"

"Amira _was_ Rais's younger sister. She was in the class after Rais and me. She died about six months before I remember Natalie showing up." Eli plays with his lip ring until we reach their door. "Her death was an accident, but Rais always claimed foul play. He said his sister never would have tried to jump where they found her." He finishes and raps on their door.

"That's why you asked Natalie…" the rest of my question is cut off by Jazz opening the door.

"Eli! Hana! Ezekiel! What a wonderful surprise. Come on in." Jazz steps out of our way.

"'Mar!" Ezekiel runs past us to the older boy. "Toys!"

With a look from Rais, Amar slips off the kitchen chair he was sitting at, and together they head off to Amar's room.

"What brings you guys here?" Rais asks from the kitchen table where cards are scattered from a game they must have been playing as a family.

"We need to talk," Eli announces seriously as he sits down at the table near Rais.

"Is everything okay?" Jazz looks worriedly at me.

"The baby is fine. This has nothing to do with him," I assure her. "But what we need to talk to you about, you can't tell anyone, and it's going to change your lives, forever."

Eli takes a deep breath. He convinced me that he was the one who needed to do most of the talking. "I found out more about Amira's death."

Jazz stands behind Rais and puts a hand on his shoulder, letting him know that she is there for him. "What did you find out?" Rais's voice is choked.

"That you were right. Amira wasn't trying to jump from the train to the roof. It looks like someone probably did push her off the train to make it look like she was trying for the roof." Eli watches Rais carefully while he gives him the news.

Rais's eyes glimmer with unshed tears as he pulls Jazz around to sit on his lap. "How did you find this out?"

"Do you remember Leeann's friend Natalie?"

"Yes," Rais's brow puckers in confusion at the sudden change of topic.

"I don't remember her being here before Amira's death. Do you?"

Rais tilts his head, thinking for a little bit. "No, I don't remember her before then, either."

"That's because she wasn't here before then. Part of the reason she came here was because of Amira's death," Eli explains.

"What?" Rais is shocked.

"It turns out there are people on the other side of the fence who keep track of us. Amira wasn't the only one they believed was murdered in that time frame. They sent Natalie in to check on it." Eli states simply.

"How do you know this?" Jazz asks, gently cradling Rais's head against her chest.

I bite my lip before answering. "I accidentally discovered Natalie's secret life shortly after initiation was over."

"You've known that long!" The outrage in Rais's voice is unmistakable.

"She didn't know about Amira until today," Eli defends me.

Rais looks at me. "Is that true?"

"Yes, I didn't even know you had a sister until today. I've been helping Natalie to save people for years. But if Eli hadn't asked Natalie about her, I wouldn't have even heard of her today."

"Why did you ask Natalie about Amira?" Rais voices the questions hesitantly.

"Because I found out you and Jazz are on the same list Amira was on."

"Someone wants to kill us?" Jazz asks quietly horrified.

"Someone wants to kill quite a few of us," Eli answers grimly.

* * *

"Marley lives alone, so as long as she doesn't have a guy over…" Eli says with a half-smile, "we're free to talk. If she has one of her boyfriends over… I'm not sure what we're going to do."

"My question about Marley is, how are you going to keep her quiet?" I ask pointedly.

"That will be easier than you might think," Eli answers. "She's actually remarkably good at keeping a secret, as long as it has something to do with her, and her ability to spread rumors may actually help us."

I raise my eyebrows skeptically at him. "How do you figure that?"

"She can start a rumor that she's trying to get close to me again, and that's why she's organizing this little get together. I, of course, don't want her to think that is going to happen, so I mention it to Rais, decides to get his own group going that day in order to help me. And now we have joined both groups."

I think it over carefully. "That sounds like it might work, but how do you and I keep from actually being there?" Natalie has cautioned us that with Eli _really_ being Divergent, she doesn't want to chance him being there, to keep Jeanine from becoming suspicious about him.

"If you don't feel well that day, I'm certainly not about to go somewhere with Marley after she's started a rumor like that." Eli's explanation is perfect. Eli stops at the next door. "This is Marley's apartment."

Ezekiel is with Taylor this time. Eli asked if she could watch him for an hour or two so that we could do some baby shopping without him. We really don't need much, so I was surprised when she didn't question it.

"Eli!" Marley's voice is bright and seductive as she opens the door. "What are you doing here?" Her face falls just a little as she sees me.

"Are you alone?" Eli gets straight to the point while we still stand at the door.

"Yes." Marley looks puzzled at the question.

Eli walks into her apartment, pulling me in behind him with the hand he's holding. Marley automatically closes the door behind him and leans on it.

"There really isn't anyone else here." Eli double-checks.

"I'm alone. I have a date who's supposed to show up in about fifteen minutes, but" she walks up to Eli hips swaying softly. "I can break it if it is important enough."

"You're going to want to break it," Eli says shortly. "You can't talk to anyone about what we're about to tell you."

Marley eyes me and questions, "Why won't I want to?"

"We're here to talk to you about a matter of life and death…" Eli answers looking at her seriously. "Yours."

* * *

Marley looks at us shell-shocked. "So, just because I realized that I could change what I looked like in the simulation because it wasn't real someone wants to kill me? That's crazy."

"It is crazy," I agree, "but as nearly as we can tell, that is what seems to be happening."

There is a knock on the door. "I'll get rid of them." Eli says standing up.

"That will be my date," Marley says, standing up and smoothing her hair like she is getting ready to leave.

"And we need to finish talking," Eli says firmly. "I'll get rid of him."

Marley's eyes follow Eli as he walks across the room. She speaks to me while she watches him. "I should have known there was more to you than a mousy little thing from Abnegation." Her voice isn't snide like I expect; instead, it's full of quiet wonder.

I look at her blankly, unsure of what to say.

"I always wondered how you, of all people, managed to snare Eli when none of the rest of us could. It's not the looks that attracted him, like I thought it would be. It's the strength and the purpose you have inside yourself; that's what drew him to you. I can see it now. You can handle life and death situations, and I guess when it comes down to it, that's what he needs in his life more than someone who looks good on his arm."

It's a back-handed compliment at best, but I decide to take it as a compliment since it is coming from Marley. "Thank you."

Eli swings the kitchen chair around and sits on it backwards, resting his chin on the back of it. "I know we've thrown a lot at you. What questions do you have?"

Marley pinches the bridge of her nose. "How many of us are there, and how do you plan on getting us out?"

* * *

Oddly enough, Zane is the only one who seems to be bothered by the "party" that Marley and Rais are pulling together. Leeann doesn't like Marley, so she doesn't question why she isn't invited. No one seems to wonder why Marley is good friends all of a sudden with Eli and me. Marley's rumor that she's trying to make Eli realize what he missed by marrying me works like a charm. Jazz and Rais starting a second group that will be there, too, isn't too surprising since Rais and Eli have been friends their whole life, and since we've spent so much time together after we lost the baby.

"Why am I not invited?" Zane pops up next to me and asks me the day before the party is supposed to happen.

"What?" I ask, startled by both his appearance and his question.

"I thought you and I were better friends than you and Marley."

I blink at him in disbelief. What would make him think that he and are friends? Doesn't he realize that I don't like him, that he kind of creeps me out? "Marley invited us. I didn't have any say in the guest list." I try to sound tired. The excuse for Eli and I missing the get together is going to be that I get sick tonight around dinner time. It will explain why, even though we were involved in getting the party together, neither of us will end up being there.

Unofficially I will be there, while Eli covers for me, saying that I am sick and he's taking care of me while he asks Leeann to watch Ezekiel.

"Really?" Zane sounds surprised. "I always thought you got what you wanted from Eli."

I rub my temple, wondering if Zane is going to be enough to trigger the headache I'm about to pretend that I have. "Why would you think I get whatever I want from Eli?"

"Because it looks like you have. You got him to marry you and have a couple of kids." Zane points to my expanding waist. "I would have thought after what happened with the last one, you wouldn't have pulled that off again."

I close my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths to keep myself calm. "I've never forced Eli into anything."

Zane gives a hollow laugh. "Jude was certain that you did. She was sure that you had something that you were able to hold over him to get him to dump her and marry you. Is that what is is, Hana? Do you have something on Eli that keeps him in line? Because you do know that Marley would love to help your husband step out of line, don't you?" He leans in close enough that I can smell the stale alcohol on his breath. "Or is that what it is? Did you find out your paragon of a husband has been friendlier with Marley than you realized?"

"I trust Eli," I respond in the measured tone I learned back in Abnegation while I fight the urge to deck him.

"Zane." Eli's dark voice startles both of us. "Haven't seen you in a while."

Zane smiles at me, then at Eli. "I was just telling Hana that I haven't seen either of you in a while. It's a shame you didn't think to include me in your party so we could catch up." He's trying to get Eli to include him. I wonder why?

"I didn't set the guest list, but I'll try to keep you in mind if we do this again." Eli covers any shock that he may have from Zane's desire to be included better than I think I did. "Hana, you don't look too well. Do you feel okay?"

"I have a slight headache and the baby has worn me out today. I think that's all." I stifle a real yawn as I answer him.

Eli looks over me. "Are you sure about that?"

I rub my forehead and temples again. "I have a slight headache, but I'm sure..."

"Zane, I think I need to get my wife home so she can get off her feet and rest. Having an almost two year old and being pregnant wears her down." Eli puts his arm around me and pulls me close.

"I can imagine. After what happened the last time, I was surprised to hear you were having another one already," Zane says significantly.

"We didn't want the kids to be too far apart," Eli replies as he starts to lead me away. "I think I'm going to see if Leeann can watch Ezekiel tonight." His voice is just loud enough to carry to Zane. "I want you to get to bed early so you don't end up sick."

* * *

Jazz, Rais and Marley meet us at our apartment about an hour after Eli drops Ezekiel off with Leeann and Chaz for the night.

"And you haven't told anyone else what the true purpose behind tomorrow's get-together is, right?" Eli verifies with all of them his eyes on Marley.

"Not even one of them," Marley confirms.

"And you didn't tell anyone good-bye, right?" he checks again, this time looking at Rais.

"Not even my parents." Rais answers. "Are you sure we can't tell just Mom and Dad?"

"I'm sure," I tell him firmly. "I wish you could, but that could jeopardize everyone."

"I figured as much." Rais's voice is soft with emotion. "I just hate having another child die on them."

"And their grandchild, too," Jazz adds in.

"I know. I'm sorry, but there really isn't any other way. The fewer people who know, the less likely it is that anything will get out to anyone who could thwart our plans and cause real danger to everyone," Eli explains again.

"So, what happens to the spouses who aren't Divergent?" Marley finally asks the question that I've been waiting for someone to ask.

"After we explain what is happening, Natalie will explain to everyone what life will be like out there for the person who isn't Divergent. Each couple will get to decide if the other person is staying or going." Eli explains one of the points he won from Natalie.

"We do have something that will alter the memories of anyone who doesn't want to go, so they won't tell anyone," I finish.

"Can't you use that on Mom and Dad?" Rais looks at me pleadingly.

"I wish I could, but it is likely you got your Divergence from one of them, and some Divergent are able to fight off the memory serum and can remember things despite it being used on them," I explain.

"I hate to end this," Jazz says in her soothing voice as she stands to leave, "but we need to pick up a certain boy from his grandparents so we can get him to bed."

I move over and give her a hug. "I'm going to miss you," I whisper as we embrace.

We walk them all to the door.

"You won't be there tomorrow, will you?" Marley checks with Eli.

"No. Hana will be, but I won't." He still isn't too happy about that.

Without a word Marley leans in and hugs him. I can tell she whispers something to him, but I can't tell what it is. All I can see is Eli nod to her. "Take care of yourself," Eli says gruffly to her as she pulls away and walks out the door.

Rais shakes hands with him. "Keep an eye on Mom and Dad for me. I understand why you can't tell them, but… you and Nick will be all they have left."

Eli pulls Rais in and claps him on the back in a swift hug. "I will."

Jazz hugs Eli and wipes a tear from her eye. "You'll meet us tomorrow at the half way point, then you and Natalie will tell everyone what is going on, right?" she double-checks with me.

"That's right," I assure her. "There's a curve on the way to Amity. That's going to be the location of the accident and that is where Natalie and I will meet you." I lean in and give Jazz one more hug as I decide to give her the heads up I've been thinking about. "I'm sure that Lucas and George will be pleasantly surprised to see you." Jazz looks at me startled, but she seems to understand I don't want Eli to know this information so she doesn't say anything. I try not to cry as she and Rais leave Eli and me alone.

Eli takes one look at me and after closing the door leads me to our bedroom. "You've got a rough day tomorrow. It's time for you to get to bed."

"Are you going to join me?" I ask hopefully.

Eli leans down and kisses me in response.


	43. Chapter 43 - Train Wreck

**Thank you for your patience. Hopefully now that summer is over and routines are starting again we're going to be able to get more consistant on publishing again.**

 **Also, that you for all the reviews of the last chapter. Reviews help keep the writer working! We all like to know there really is someone out there reading and what you think about it.**

 **And thank you to Bahrfamily for all of her Beta Skills on this chapter, for explaining her points and listening to my rebuttals. Even if at the last minute we were still... negotiating a few of the finer points. (Like the last sentence!)**

 **Chapter 43 Train Wreck**

"I'll see you after lights out tonight," I whisper to Eli as I lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Is it time for you to leave already?" he asks groggily.

"I'm afraid so." I stand up from the edge of our bed.

"Why don't you give me a moment and I'll walk you there?" He's hunting, since he's not quite sure where "there" actually is. There is a lot about today's plan that Natalie and I didn't tell him. He knows the basics. He's covering for me. I'm sick. Leeann and Chaz have Ezekiel for the day. He knows there will be a train wreck and that a lot of people will "die", and that any spouse who chooses not to leave will come back with their memory altered at that time. There are a lot of kids who will have one or both parents die today. He never could convince Natalie to let any of the kids out, except Amar. There are quite a few kids that I will be keeping an eye on if they chose to stay in Dauntless. Tonight I will come back after curfew and it will all be over. If anything goes wrong, we will contact him on my tablet. He understands that he can only have it on for three minutes at a time, but we've agreed he can check it once an hour. I'm pretty sure he's not going to forget to check it at any of those times.

"I have to leave now," I tell him firmly.

"Be careful." Eli's eyes hold mine. They are more serious and concerned than I think I have ever seen them.

"I will be," I promise him.

"I'm serious, Hana." He grabs my wrist as I leave. "I don't want anything to happen to you or the baby. I still think we should change positions."

I kiss him gently. "I know, but it is best this way. I promise I'll be careful."

* * *

I walk to a point just outside of Dauntless, a place where I know the cameras don't reach, and jump on the train. I settle in for the ride out almost to Amity, sitting on the edge of the open door with my legs hanging over the edge and my hair whipping around my face. My thoughts move just as rapidly and become just as scattered as my hair. They jump from what I am going to say when Natalie and I explain this, to how we are supposed to create the accident, to having to say good-bye to Jazz, and on and on. The constant cycle of thoughts circles, spins, and loops, making my head want to explode.

As a child in Abnegation, we were taught we can always control our thoughts. We can always take our minds off ourselves and concentrate on someone else and what they need. I force myself to concentrate, not exactly on what anyone is going to need today, but on what everyone is going to be going through. I find it very easy to put myself in the position most of the couples face today - far too easy. If it weren't for a couple of twists of fate, Eli and I would be facing the same choice today. Do we stay together, or do I return – alone – to the children?

It's an impossible choice.

Uriah kicks me as if to remind me that if it was just him, it would be an easy choice. Obviously, at this stage of the game, Uriah goes wherever I go, but to leave Ezekiel behind? I don't know how I could leave my little boy for someone else to raise. Who would take care of him? Taylor and Abram are getting a little old to be chasing after a toddler again. Nick isn't married. Leeann and Chaz seem to be the logical choice, but with her fear of what she would be like if something happened to Chaz… are they the right choice?

Of course, I guess it doesn't matter. If we were dead, Dauntless Leadership would put them with whomever they think would be best. That would probably be Leeann and Chaz.

But leaving Eli, being separated from him, thinking that he's dead - because they would make me _think_ that he is dead - is just as horrible an option to me.

I guess I just need to be grateful that we _don't_ have to make that choice. We can be grateful that Eli, without knowing what was at stake, didn't show himself for what he is. We can be grateful that even if he had, because I've been working with Natalie all these years, she could still get us out as a family.

The train slows down for the curve that is close to Amity; it's time for me to jump off. We picked this spot, just past the curve in the rails, after a great deal of thought. It's close enough to Amity that it will be their medical personnel that will respond instead of Erudite. The curve forces the train to slow down, which makes it easier for me to jump off. And later today we can say that the train didn't slow down, creating our accident.

It's not my most graceful landing, but I manage to do it without landing on my stomach. Today, I decide to be happy with that.

I understand why Eli argued so hard for the kids, my thoughts continue as I walk to the tree where Natalie and I plan to meet. If they would only allow the kids to come, too. Yes, it would create a much bigger accident, but everyone would get to stay together as a family. On the other side of the fence, Natalie has told me, they live in families and keep them together, even after a child is sixteen. Aren't our families as important to the people on the other side of the fence as their own?

But when I think about the life Natalie says they will have on the other side of the fence if they aren't Divergent… I understand why she stood so firm on this topic. I'm sure she painted the worst-case scenario for us, but the hopelessness and neglect she described sounds like it would be worse than what the Factionless go through. Even taking into consideration that Eli repairs cameras in the Factionless areas, I think I've spent more time in the Factionless sector than he has. I know that, from passing out clothing and food as a child, I've seen more of the need that exists there than he ever has. To knowingly put a child through something worse than that… I can't imagine.

I reach the tree and position myself so I can't be seen from the tracks. Then I lean against the rough bark. The leaves above me create a dark green canopy. Even with the sun barely peeking above the horizon, the morning is warm enough to predict another hot day, but that's all we ever have at this time of year. I close my eyes and relax while I wait for Natalie. Once she gets here, there will be a little time for last-minute planning and then the stress of the day will really start.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Natalie's cheerful voice breaks through my thoughts almost as soon as my eyes close.

I open one eye and look at her. "How can you be so awake?"

"I'm not pregnant." Natalie laughs as she sits down next to me.

"No, you're just up with an infant several times a night," I counter.

"Andrew got up with him last night so I could sleep. A bottle every now and then won't hurt Caleb," Natalie answers me.

"How is he?"

Natalie smiles. "He's growing. I know you've only seen him a couple times, and they weren't that far apart, but he grows every day."

I laugh, remembering that Ezekiel seemed to do that when he was an infant, too. "Ezekiel still does that. Not quite as bad as when he was a baby, but I swear there are still days when he seems to outgrow all of his clothes overnight."

We look towards the direction from which the train will come. Sunlight is just starting to streak across the horizon. "So, what do we do now?"

"We review the plan and we wait. There's not much to do before everyone gets here and we find out who is doing what. After we've explained the situation and found out who is leaving, and who is staying… that's when the real work will begin," Natalie responds.

"You've got it set up so that the train will actually stop at the curve?" I start reviewing the plan with Natalie.

"The train will stop at the end of the curve. Everyone will probably be out by then, but it will still stop so we can make sure we get everyone out. We'll get everyone together and explain what is going on." Natalie takes a deep breath. "I'll answer a few questions, then we'll let the couples talk and decide what they want to do. We have a few Divergent, like Marley, who are single, but not many, since the classes the last few years have already taken the fear simulations and we were already able to identify the Divergent in them and get them out. We'll get the singles started on their way while the couples make their decisions."

"I don't know how they are supposed to do that," I reply. "I've been thinking about it all morning, what Eli and I would do. If it wasn't for Ezekiel, it would be an easy choice, but when you won't let the kids out with their parents…"

"I know." Natalie draws her knees up and wraps her arms round them. She rests her chin on her knees. "For the record, I'm on Eli's side on this. I think they should let the kids out with their parents."

"Why won't they?" The questions almost explodes from my mouth.

"Because every child left behind has the potential to be Divergent. They are hopeful that we will be able to keep the next generation from being discovered. Every child who remains in the city has the chance to marry and have children of their own. They are desperate for the Divergent population to continue to expand, so this generation stays behind in hopes we can protect them and they can pass on their genes here."

My jaw drops as I realize what she is saying. "You mean these kids are losing one or both parents, and are being forced to remain behind as a breeding program?"

Natalie looks at me, stunned that I have put it that bluntly. When she speaks, her words are slow, like she is measuring each one before she says it. "That's a different way of putting it, but I have to admit that it is more accurate than I would like for it to be."

I stare out at the horizon, unsure of how to respond. I know Andrew explained to us that the purposed behind our city was to create the Divergent, but it hadn't hit me quite so forcefully until I heard that this was the reason the children can't leave with their parents.

"It's not right," Natalie says softly. "So many of the decisions they make, I don't agree with. I speak my mind, I live my life, but I can't change everything that they decide."

"I know."

"No, you don't know. I mean, you may have an idea, but…" She pauses before she continues. "On the other side of the fence, they would have kept me from marrying Andrew. There are measures in place that would have kept us from having met. If we had met anyway, they would have done unimaginable things to break us up."

"Like what?" I don't mean to be nosy, but the question is out before I can stop it.

"They might have started small, making a hard life even more difficult for Andrew. Messing with his job, his housing, things like that. It would have ended with them either tricking him into doing something illegal, or making it look like he did, and because he's not Divergent, they would have gotten away with it. They would have found a way to imprison him for the rest of his life, if that is what it took to break us apart."

I gape at her in disbelief. Not that I think Natalie is lying, but I simply that I can't believe that anyone would go to such measures to keep two people apart. "Just to keep you from marrying him?"

Natalie's green eyes hold mine. "Outside those walls, they would do the same to you to keep you and Eli apart. Outside our walls, being Divergent is _everything_. They will do _anything_ to keep people with that bloodline from being with someone who isn't. They want the Divergent genes to be passed on to the children, and the best chance to do that is with another Divergent." We are both quiet while I turn this information over in my head. "That's why, in some ways, I think it would be best for the spouses to stay here. It will be a very difficult life for them on the other side."

"I see what you mean," I say slowly after I have turned the idea over in my head a couple of times. I remember our conversations about her life on the other side. "That's why you don't want to ever go back."

"Andrew is a big part of it, but he's not the only part. In many respects, life here is simpler. We look out for each other better. I don't know how to explain it, but ever since I joined the city, before I even met Andrew, I knew that I belonged here."

"Home is home," I say simply. I think about when I came to Dauntless. Even though I left my family behind and I didn't know anyone before I transferred, there was a feeling of coming home from the moment my feet touched the roof.

"The train should be coming soon," Natalie finally comments after checking her watch.

"Do you think we'll have to do anything like this again?" I bite my lip after I ask, afraid of her answer.

"It depends on what Jeanine does with the new simulation when she is finished with it. If she makes every faction test it, it is possible that we will need to do something like this in every faction." Natalie's voice is much more matter-of-fact than I would like. She's thought this out.

" _Every_ faction?" I repeat disbelievingly.

"Well, we will have already done it in Dauntless, and the Abnegation leaders know what is going on, so they will probably keep her from testing Abnegation. I guess it would just be the other three factions that we might face something this big in again."

"I don't like the sound of that," I tell her in a soft voice.

"Neither do I," Natalie agrees grimly.

We are both quiet, and I find myself wondering if she would need my help to clear out another faction. Then again, she could use Lois and Jarrod in Amity and Marisa in Erudite. I feel my eyebrows draw down as it dawns on me: I wonder if she has anyone to help her in Candor. I start to ask her, but the sound of a train whistle breaks in. "I think I hear it." Natalie unwinds her arms from around her legs, preparing to stand up.

We both move to meet the train as it comes around the bend. It should start slowing down at the curve, allowing the Dauntless riders to jump off so we can speak to them. "It's not slowing down," I say worriedly.

Natalie and I both stand there, unable to speak as the train continues to race towards the curve. "Slow down," Natalie mutters. "There are people in those cars and the accident isn't until this afternoon."

The train continues on, ignoring Natalie's command. My heart starts thudding. My hand reaches out and clutches the sleeve on Natalie's shirt. "We've got to do something."

"What?" Natalie asks desperately. "We can't stop the train."

Without thinking about what I'm doing or what I think I can do, I start to move to the train. Now it is Natalie's turn to grab my sleeve. She holds me back. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I have to try to stop it." I pull my arm away hard enough that the material slips through her fingers, but it is too late. The sound of grinding metal fills the air. I watch, mesmerized, as the train leaves the track, unable to comprehend what I am seeing.

We both stand motionless as the train attempts to continue forward without any tracks to guide it. For a few seconds it looks like the train and everyone in it will be okay. Then it starts to snake and twist, cars moving in opposite directions and falling over onto their sides, buckling first right and then left, twisting one direction and then the other. The screams of metal from the train fill the air, and then everything is quiet.

Natalie and I look at the wreckage and then at each other in disbelief. This train carried the people. There wasn't supposed to be an accident here, not this morning, at least. The accident was supposed to be here, but not until this afternoon and with an empty train going in the opposite direction. We were supposed to have them out beyond Amity when the train wreck occurred, supposedly on their way home. The first scream reaches us and the trance is broken, and we both start to run towards the train.

I stop about ten feet away from the train, suddenly worried about what I might see, but it doesn't matter. I can't leave and not help.

Natalie pauses by me just long enough to give me directions. "We're close enough to Amity that they will send the medical teams that they are supposed to send. Hopefully, since it is the wrong time, they will bring real medical supplies with them. Get everyone you can out. Triage only. Don't spend a lot of time on any one person." I look at her in horror. "Get them out here where the Amity team can help them. They have medical training and can do more than either of us can."

There are screams of pain and wails of grief filling the air. My heart pounds in my chest from exertion and from worry. This is _my_ fault. I put every one of those people on the train. It was me, not Natalie, who contacted Marley, Jazz, and Rais to pull this together. Suddenly, I'm glad the children aren't involved. I'm glad they didn't see this. I put on an extra burst of speed as I suddenly remember there is one child on that train. Amar.


	44. Chapter 44- Derailed

**Thank you for your patience. I know you've been waiting to find out exactly what happened. Mtg526 asked about quotes for this part of canon. That is coming, but right now giving you the quote let's you know what is going to happen before it does. And I'm not nice enough to do that! ;-)**

 **Also I got some feedback from both BK2U (who is currently editing something else that I'm hoping to publish soon...) and Bahrfamily that there are some missing pieces to this part of the story. I'm working on fixing that, but it is going to take a few chapters to fix. If there is anything you see as missing please review or PM what you would like to have explained more. As I told BK2U this part of the story has existed since the day I created Jazz. There are multiple versions of this part of the story, and I think that has added to the missing pieces. I think I assumed a few parts had gotten themselves written into earlier chapters that hadn't. They gave me good feedback, but not all of it can be worked into this chapter so you'll see it upcoming chapters. (Which is why I'm checking with all of you to make sure I'm getting all of the questions answered.) If there are more questions that all three of us have missed I'd like to get it added in, too.**

 **Thank you to Bahrfamkily for working on edits for this chapter and for the POV that follows too.**

 **Chapter 44 Derailed**

One of the train cars that is on its side rocks slightly, as if there are people moving in it. Instinctively, I move towards that one. My hands touch it, looking for a way to scale up, but Natalie puts a restraining hand on me. "You aren't climbing that."

I look at her disbelievingly. "There are people in there."

"And you're pregnant," Natalie tells me, forcefully pulling me away from the over-turned car. "I promised Eli that you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this baby."

For a brief moment, I glare at her, ready to shake off her hand and start climbing, but she's right. I have the baby to think of and a promise to Eli to keep.

I don't think he would consider me climbing up the bottom of train cars and dropping in through the opening as being careful. "Okay," I agree, regretfully moving away from the car. "What do you want me to do?"

Natalie's hand replaces mine on the bottom of the car. "Check the first upright car you come to. I think it's just the engine and the first two cars that are on their sides. Evaluate injuries on a scale of one to four, with one being the most serious and four being the least."

I give her a thumbs up that I heard her. It takes everything I have to move away from the screams and cries that I hear coming from that over-turned car. "Keep an eye out for Amar!" I call over my shoulder to Natalie. "He's not quite five." It feels like both the longest and the shortest run I have ever taken to get to the only upright car. There are only three cars on the train besides the engine, and the last one is the only one that is still upright. The car itself is half on the tracks, half on the grass where the other cars are. "Who's here?" I call as I hoist myself into the compartment. It seems so weird to enter a train that is at a dead stop.

"Hana?" I recognize the shocked voice as Tyson's. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to help." I leave out everything else. There will be enough time to sort out what is going on later.

"But how are you here? Marley said you were sick and you and Eli weren't coming after all." He sounds dazed.

"That's a conversation for later." My eyes start to adjust to the dim interior of the car. The people in the compartment look like they have been tossed around, but there aren't the cries that I heard from the other car. I notice Tyson is cradling his arm. "What happened to your arm?"

"I put my arm out to brace myself when we jerked off the tracks. I'm pretty sure I broke it. I heard it snap." His voice ends very low.

I can't stop the shudder that runs through my body. There's a reason I never envied Bekah her job. "Do you need any help getting out?"

"No, I can do it on my own," Tyson says with bravado in his voice.

"Okay, you're a three," I tell him as he walks to the doorway.

"A three? Come on, Hana! I only kissed you once, but surely I was better than a three." He tries to use a light teasing tone, but I can hear the undertones of pain and fear.

My mouth drops open and my eyes blink a couple of times in disbelief before I see the twinkle of humor mixed in with the pain in his eyes. I shake my head at him, and try to keep the same joking tone. "I don't kiss and tell. The three is your priority for seeing medical personal. I'm going to send all the threes to you." I look at Tyson. I went through training with him so he has been through the simulations before. It caught me off guard when I saw his name on the list. It was the third time when they finally caught him. I guess this tells us that the test can be fooled. I still remember the unwelcome kiss by the Chasm he just referred to, but now isn't the time to dwell on the past. I need to take care of everyone who was riding with him. People start moving around slowly in the train car, trying to get their bearings and to help each other up.

Tyson nods his understanding and jumps out the door. The lack of movement from the train causes him to stumble as he lands.

I move to the next person. It's another friend of Marley's, a guy that, according to Eli, she dates off and on. He is on the floor of the car, holding his head. For a moment, I struggle to remember his name. He's not someone that Eli and I did anything with. It's when I see the tattoo of the flaming sun with a K inside of it that I remember Tori's story about his tattoo. "Kyle, are you okay?"

He looks up at me. The unevenly dilated pupils in his hazel eyes capture my attention for a moment. "My head..."

"Let me see it." I move his hand gently away from his head. I can see a knot already starting to form. For a brief moment, I think about making him a three with Tyson, but then I remember about my concussion and how worried they were about that. "You're a two. I'm going to send all the twos to meet with you. You're the second group I'll send the medical personnel to. Go on ahead and leave the car. Find yourself an area close by. "

"Okay," is all he manages in reply. He doesn't exactly jump out of the car, like Tyson did. His movements remind me of my concussion: he sits on the edge and slowly slides off, trying to avoid jarring his head as much as possible.

People start moving towards the door, so I station myself next to it in order to check each person as they exit. Most of the wounds are superficial. I have a feeling that since this car didn't over-turn, we have the more minor injuries here.

My breath catches when I see Marley coming toward me. She holds a hand over her right eye and cheek. There is blood oozing out from under it. "Marley." I try to keep the tremor out of my voice. She's lost more blood than anyone else in this car. "Can I see it?"

I watch closely as Marley starts to move her hand away. It's hard to see the wound itself because of all the blood, but I can see at least a small section of skin from above her right eye is dangling. All I can see behind it is more blood. I pull my bag off of my shoulder, rummaging through it for something she can use to stop the bleeding. I find a clean diaper and press the edge of it to her face. I speak gently to her, not wanting to frighten her. "Hold this to it. It should help stop the bleeding."

"What happened? There wasn't supposed to be a real accident!" She tells me what I already know in a hushed undertone. We may be two of the last people on this car, but she's careful to make sure no one overhears her.

"I don't know, Marley. I don't know. Everyone in this car seems to be okay." I look out at everyone milling in tight groups nearby.

"What about the other cars?" She sounds worried.

I take a deep breath and admit, "I don't know the answer to that. Natalie is checking on them, but they both overturned and I can't climb up into them."

Marley's eyes move from my eyes to the baby I carry. "Be careful, Hana. Don't overdo it. You and Eli don't need to lose another child."

I'm taken aback by the caring in her voice. The old Marley, the one that I knew for so long, would have used this as an occasion to make some kind of a poke at me, to make some snide remark about me. Hearing her concerned about me is almost my undoing. "I didn't climb into the other car, but I have to help."

Marley shakes her head at me. "You have no sense of self preservation, do you?"

"Not much of one." I force a laugh. "Find Kyle; you're a two with him." I don't tell Marley what I'm afraid of. I think she's going to scar, and I'm not sure how Marley will handle something that mars her outward perfection.

It's only when she leaves that I let myself realize what I knew from the moment I saw Tyson. This car, the one that stayed upright, was Marley's group, the singles. Rais, Jazz, Amar – most of the Divergent I know, the ones that are Eli's and my friends, the couples – they are in one of the over-turned cars. I lower myself down in the same way Kyle did when he left the car. I don't know how I'm going to get past Natalie and possibly Marley to get into one of the over-turned cars, but I have to find Jazz and her family. It's my fault that they are here. I have to get them out.

I hear the Amity trucks rumble in and look for Natalie. She is the one in charge and should be telling everyone what to do, but I can't find her. She must have found a way into one of the cars. "Hana!" I turn at the sound of a familiar voice. Lois jumps out of one of the Amity trucks before it comes to a complete stop and runs towards me. "Where are Jazz and Natalie?" She grips my upper arms tightly.

"I don't know," I admit, not stopping to wonder how she knew they were here. "Natalie wouldn't let me climb into either of the over-turned cars. She was climbing into that one." I point to the car I saw her trying to figure out how to scale as she sent me on my way to the upright car.

"And Jazz?" Her voice trembles just a little.

"I don't know." I feel tears stinging my eyes. "I wasn't there when everyone got on the train. All I know is that she and Rais weren't in the last car."

Lois presses her lips together and takes a tremulous breath. "This way!" She swings her arm in a giant arc pointing towards the overturned cars. At her signal, Amity pour out of the trucks, many of them grabbing ladders lashed to the sides of the trucks, and hurry toward the over-turned cars.

She takes off at a run towards them. I head that way, too, only slightly slower. The adrenaline is starting to fade and I can't run any more, not with the baby.

By the time I get there, the Amity rescuers have ladders leaning against the cars that will allow them to climb onto the sides of the overturned cars. Once the first Amity reach the top, they lean over the edge and grab a ladder not being used. They lift it up and carefully angle it so that they can lower it into the doorway. Then they start climbing down.

I bite my lip for a moment, thinking. If I was Jazz and Rais, which car would I take? The second one, I decide. I'm almost positive they wouldn't have gotten on the train until they knew everyone in their group was on board. I get in line behind Lois. "Are you sure about this?" she asks me, looking meaningfully at where Uriah makes his presence known.

"I'm the reason every one of these people is here." My voice catches. "I _have_ to help."

They set up a second ladder so that there is now one for people coming up and one for people going down. Lois and I are both silent, checking the faces of the dazed Dauntless that climb out while we wait for our turn. This group looks much worse than those I helped earlier. They have blood on their faces and clothes. They move carefully, with limbs at odd angles. "We need to fix a litter!" one of the Amity inside calls up. When it is her turn, Lois climbs gracefully, like someone who has climbed a hundred ladders to pick apples from the trees. I climb more slowly, but seem to be more surefooted then she is as we walk on the uneven surface of the car to the opening. "Natalie!" I call down before climbing down.

"Hana!" Her voice has a strange undertone to it that I can't quite place. "I need your help."

Lois is already on her way down the ladder, and I follow quickly behind her. It is ordered chaos. There are Amity helping the Dauntless, several of them with medical bags. I suppress a sob as I see a couple of bodies laid out. I watch them for a moment. Neither of them moves.

Lois and I head straight to Natalie. Lois gives a cry and moves as quickly as she can, weaving in and out of the people until she gets to Natalie. I almost miss her soft cry. "Jasmine. Oh, Jasmine!" Natalie grabs her, turns her away, and holds her tightly.

Natalie's one word to me gives me my job. "Amar."

I find him with Jazz, clutching her arm to himself, tears forming trails in the dust on his face. "Mom-ma. Mom-ma." He shakes her arm a little, and then he sees me. "Hana! Mom-ma and Daddy. Help them."

My mind blocks out the worst of it, allowing me to see the position of their bodies without actually taking in their injuries. Rais had enough time to do what I knew he would do: he tried to shield Jazz, to protect her from the worst of the trauma. Jazz had her arms wrapped around Amar, protecting him. "Come here, Amar." I try, unsuccessfully at least to my ears, to match Jazz's calming tone. It must be close enough for Amar. He reaches out a hand to me, unwilling to let go of his mom. I take his arm and try to gently move him away from Jazz.

"No!" His young voice is forceful, more forceful than I have ever heard it. "I stay with Mom-ma and Daddy."

I kneel by their bodies, trying not to touch them. I don't want to feel the life that has left them. "Amar, we need to get out of their way so they can…" I stop short, unwilling to lie to him.

"Take care of Mom-ma and Daddy?" His eyes plead for me to tell him that they just need someone to take care of them.

I nod, unable to say anything. Someone in Amity will, lovingly, I hope, take care of their bodies. Amar kisses Jazz's cheek, then Rais's hand, since his face is under Jazz.

"They need a blanket," he tells me as I gently pry Jazz's cold arm away from him. "Mom-ma and Daddy are cold. Make someone get them a blanket." His voice again has that commanding tone that makes people listen to him.

Natalie speaks up for me. "You go with Hana. I'll try to find them a blanket." Lois shudders in her arms.

Since I'm pregnant, I can't hold him easily, but I don't want to make him walk. "Would you like a piggy back ride?"

Amar's eyes shine with the idea. Natalie whispers something to Lois and moves away to help Amar onto my back. She hobbles with every other step. "I jumped down here and twisted my ankle," she says in response to my unasked question. Lifting Amar onto my back, she finishes softly. "We're almost finished in here. I'll take care of them and then Lois and I will be out."

I let everyone who is ready to go head up the ladder before Amar and me, since I'm not sure how easy it is going to be for me to climb up it with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck, almost choking me. When we finally reach the top, I look out from my perch, my eyes narrowed in the bright sunlight. Light reflects off glass close to the Amity fence. I cover my eyes with my hand, hoping that by shading the worst of the light, I'll be able to see what it is. "Natalie!" I turn around and yell down the hole.

She moves into the patch of sunlight created by the hole that is normally the doorway of the train. "What's going on?"

"There are more trucks coming. They aren't Amity," I report back what I see.

Natalie hobbles as quickly as she can to the ladder, with Lois following her. Natalie sends Lois up the ladder first, since she can move more quickly. Lois stands on the over-turned car next to me. Natalie can see the trucks moving closer when she is about half way out the opening. "The Bureau." The words slip out of her mouth unintentionally. "Hana, you have to leave. Now!"

"Why?"

"Because even though you are pregnant, I can't guarantee that they won't wipe your memory." She looks over at Lois. "There is a good chance they will try to change the memory of everyone who is here."

"I can help. I'll take that chance." Lois changes her gaze from Natalie to me. "Give me Amar. I'll take care of him."

I find myself very reluctant to leave him. "I should stay with him."

Lois smiles. "I promise. I'll take good care of him. Come here, Amar. Natalie," she turns slightly to her, "they aren't going to let him remember this, are they?" Her voice both sad and hopeful.

"No, they won't," Natalie answers simply.

There is a strange mix of satisfaction and regret that crosses Lois's face. "Did you know I used to know your momma?" she says to Amar.

I wonder how she's going to explain how she knew Jazz to Amar.

"You couldn't have known my mom-ma. You aren't Daunt-less," Amar insists, although he allows Lois to take him off my back.

"Hana, you _have_ to leave. Get as far away from here as you can. I'll let Eli know what has happened. Go to the Amity green house. You know the one, right?" Natalie instructs me in urgent tones. I nod once in understanding. "Use the tunnel to get back to Dauntless. There's some stuff for a disguise in your locker in the Crevice room. I put it there last night, just in case anything went wrong. Try to make it to my old room. Don't go back home until lights out. They might check the Crevice room, so don't stay there," she finishes.

I lean over and kiss the top of Amar's head, like I watched Jazz do at least a hundred times. "Take care of him," I tell Lois as I start down the ladder.

"You don't worry about us. Worry about yourself and that baby." Lois sounds older than I've ever heard her sound before.

"How do you know Mom-ma?" Amar questions her suddenly.

I move to the ladder while he is distracted by Lois.

"You know what happens when people are sixteen," she starts softly.

"They can go to a diff-rent fac-tion."

"That's right. I was born Dauntless, but left when I was sixteen and came to Amity. I fell in love, got married, had a baby girl I named Jasmine. Jasmine grew up, turned sixteen and left Amity for Dauntless." Lois lets out a laugh and a sob combined.

I think as I climb down the ladder, but I can't think of anyone named Jasmine. I wonder what happened to her daughter. Was she, like Amira, one of the reasons Natalie came to our city?

"When I saw her on Visiting Day, she didn't go by Jasmine any more. She told me it didn't fit in Dauntless."

My hand slips, as Lois finishes her story, dragging my concentration back to what I am doing. When I hit the ground, my feet start running away from there, as I try to block the rest of what Lois told Amar out of my memory.

* * *

The trip through the underground passage, back to Dauntless is a blur of pain and shock. Images of the train wreck flash through my mind any time I close my eyes. In this stillness I hear Lois's voice telling Amar her story. When I finally get to the Crevice room, I find a note explaining the disguise Natalie left for me. It includes a couple of temporary tattoos, platform shoes to make me look taller, and a blonde wig with orange and green stripes in it.

I feel so outlandish in the costume that I feel sure someone is going to stop me because I look so ridiculous. It surprises me when I make it all the way to Natalie's old room without anyone giving me a second glance. When the door closes behind me, I lean against it and as I pull off the wig. I sink down to the ground, silent tears streaming down my face.

* * *

It is the longest day of my life, staying hidden in Natalie's old room, waiting for curfew and the lights to go out. Five minutes before curfew, I take a quick look around and head to the elevators. They will stop at the nearest floor one minute before the power is turned off. I'm hoping to be able to catch one of the last runs and not have to walk up every flight of steps.

The elevator stops two floors before ours, and I exit, heading straight to the stairs. I don't know what message Natalie managed to send Eli, but I'm sure he's frantic. The apartment door opens when I am only half-way down the hallway and when I see his head stick out, I can't help but run the rest of the way into his waiting arms. Pulling me in close and closing the door to make sure no one can see us, he holds me tightly and lets me cry. "You're okay. You're really okay," he repeats over and over as he smooths back my hair.

"I'm okay." The rest of what I need to say refuses to pass the lump in my throat.

He leads me to the bedroom, pulls the ridiculous wig off my head and motions for me to climb into bed. I sit off the edge and remove the platform shoes while he pulls off his shirt. I don't bother undressing any further but move to the middle of the bed and wait for him to climb in, so I can rest my head on his bare chest.

His voice is soft but audible. "Natalie's note was short. _"Hana_ and the baby are okay. When you hear about the accident, you're going to notice it occurred at the wrong time, but Hana _and_ the baby are okay. There was a real accident but Hana and _the_ baby are okay. Some people were injured, but Hana and the _baby_ are okay. There were real fatalities, but Hana and the baby _are_ okay. I've sent Hana away, but Hana and the baby are _okay_." He's evidently read the message so many times that he has it memorized. "She told me you were okay every chance she could in the message, but...I think if it had been one less time, I would have gone looking for you." His arms tighten around me and he kisses the top of my head. "Nick came around twice to update me on what was going on. I made excuses for you both times. They are saying most people died. Did they really?"

I prop myself up on my arm and look at him. "Do you really want to know? I don't think I'm going to ask Natalie about anyone I don't already know about. It's hard enough knowing what I know. I'm not sure I want to know more than I already do." I try hard not to think of Jazz and Rais as I say that.

Eli answers almost immediately. "I want to know what you know. I want to be able to help you through the truth."

My eyes fill with tears. He is giving me a gift that I never expected to have from the first time I knowingly helped Natalie get someone out. He could go through his life believing we got everyone out, but he's willing to face the guilt and true pain that I do to help me through it. "Most of the singles were in the last car. They all lived." I think about Tyson and Kyle. "Broken bones, concussions, things like that." I debate for a minute about telling him about Marley.

"I knew Marley was hurt."

I look at him, shocked. "How did you know Marley's alive?" Marley should be on the list of the dead.

Eli's eyes hold mine. "She's in the Erudite hospital. According to Nick, when he came by the second time, she's one of the few survivors. She has a bad cut on her face, but I don't understand why they took her there instead of taking her out."

"It's more than a bad cut," I say softly. "The skin was peeled away from her face. She's probably going to have a bad scar, but you're right. I don't see why they wouldn't have gotten her out anyway. It seems a little dangerous to keep her in Erudite of all places."

Eli is quiet for a minute. "We'll have to ask Natalie the next time one of us sees her."

I lay back down and snuggle into his chest. There is more to say, and I don't want to face it.

"According to Nick, Amar is a survivor, too." His voice is hard. "Is Natalie using the accident as an excuse to separate him from his parents and keep him here?"

I can't face looking at Eli, but I need to tell him the truth. The tears fill my eyes and dampen his chest. Surely that tells him the answer, but I have to say it out loud. "No. There is no one for Amar to leave with. Both of the cars that the married couples were in tipped over on their sides. Rais tried to protect Jazz, and Jazz had Amar wrapped in her arms to protect him. Only Amar…"

Eli holds me tightly and lets me cry myself to sleep over what I have done.

 **If you want to know about Eli's day and have a Fanfiction account you know what to do! Leave a review and I will PM it to you.**

 **I do have a poll up on my profile page right now about the POV's. If you get a chance please respond.**

 **For the recored, this is not my favoirte part of the story either. Blame Veronica Roth.**

 **I'm going to miss Jazz...**


	45. Chapter 45 - Survivor's Guilt

**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter. I enjoyed reading all of them. I'm sorry that I seemed to have surprised so many of you with Jazz and Rais dying, but their deaths are canon. The quote is actually coming in the next chapter for why they had to die.**

 **Thank you also, to Bahrfamily and to BK2U who actually have input on this chapter. They both read it ahead of time and told me they were somethings missing. I haven't gotten all of their questions answered. It's going to take another chapter or two to get there.**

 **And special thanks to Bahrfamily for continueing to Beta for me, and make all of this much more readable than if you were stuck with just me!**

 **Characters-**

 **Wyatt- chosen Dauntless leader after Ava's death (and after Eli left training for the job)**

 **Amira- Rais's younger sister. She died a year before Natalie came. Her death was one the deaths that caused David to agree to send Natalie in.**

 **Chapter 45** **Survivor's Guilt**

Memories come to me unbidden while I sleep: Tyson and his broken arm, Marley with her skin peeling away from her face, Jazz and Rais, their bodies broken together. I wake up shivering. Eli pulls me close in his arms and I realize he is awake, too, but neither of us says anything. Maybe he feels the same way I do, that each of us feels so much pain over what happened today that it is impossible to put any of it into words.

Maybe he blames me because his best friend outside of the family and his wife is dead.

I know I do.

* * *

It's nearly daybreak when I give up on the pretense of even trying to sleep any more. I've dozed off and on all night long. The visions and nightmares have plagued me, waking me up several times. I know Eli has struggled to find sleep tonight, too. He doesn't have the same visions of the accident site that I do stuck in his head, popping back up every time he closes his eyes, but maybe that is worse. Maybe the visions that he makes up are even worse than reality. I hope not. I hope Eli has been spared at least that much. I try to climb out of bed without waking him. I just cannot lay here any longer.

"Where are you going?" Eli's voice is wide awake. He's evidently been lying here trying not to wake me up, just like I've been trying not to wake him up.

I sit up in bed and look at him. "I can't sleep."

Eli sits up, too, and pulls me towards him. "There was nothing we could have done."

I wonder if he's trying to convince me or himself.

* * *

Funerals in Dauntless are an immediate affair. The fact that there are _so_ many people to mourn doesn't seem to slow the process down - not the time frame for the funeral, and not the drinking, _especially_ not the drinking. We gather at the Chasm to say good-bye to so many of our friends.

With the lack of sleep last night and the guilt, I must look even sicker than Eli claimed I was yesterday. Bekah confirms this when she corners me before the mass funeral starts. "Are you sure you should be here?" she asks, concern written all over her face. "You look like you aren't doing any better, and with the baby…"

"I'm fine. Eli is making me go back up to bed after the funerals, but…" I trail off, unable to explain that I look horrible not because I've been sick, but because this accident and all of these deaths, many of which are real, are my fault.

It is Nate who stands on the podium by the railing and gets everyone's attention. Even the rowdiest drunk is instantly silent at the sight of him standing there. The silence is as foreign to Dauntless as the mass deaths are. It is uncomfortable to everyone, causing them to shift restlessly, waiting for Nate to start speaking.

It is oppressive to me, reminding me of Abnegation, and the silent expectations I had to escape.

"We are here to remember so many, too many." Nate's voice is strong and confident, like we need him to be in our time of bereavement. "We, in leadership, have discussed how to appropriately remember so many people. They were all Dauntless and brave, yet they were all individuals, full of their own personalities, dreams, and fears they conquered. There is no way to sum them up collectively. We would be here for days memorializing each of them individually. They were our friends, our family, our neighbors, our co-workers. There isn't a life here that hasn't been touched in some way by our loss.

"We have decided the best way to eulogize so many is to let each of you do it in your own way, at your own time over the next few days. The podium will remain here for the next week, or until we notice it is no longer being used. Say what you need to say, speak about whom you need to speak publicly. Meet together in small groups, in large groups, at the Chasm, at work, in the cafeteria, in your apartments. Remember them, but do not dwell on them. They would not want us to mourn them forever, but to instead turn bravely to a future without them and to continue to live. Live fearlessly in their memory for, like them, we never know what day will be our last. Remember them as Dauntless, for they were all brave and loyal to Dauntless."

As Nate finishes and steps off the podium, my eyes travel to the rest of the leaders. I find myself thankful, for probably the first time, that Eli isn't one of them. It strikes me as odd when I notice that Wyatt is staring at Eli - or is it me he is looking at?

* * *

After the short nap Eli insists that I take, we end up where I think Rais and Jazz would have expected us to: at their apartment. That's where Sultana and Kamil are. They have taken up residence there, at least for now, in an attempt to give Amar _something_ stable: his own home. "I don't know if we'll stay," Sultana confides in me as I help her to fix some food for the steady stream of people who drift in and out to remember Jazz and Rais. "It's hard to be here knowing they will never…"

I reach out, like Jazz did so many times to me, and hug her. I feel a few tears slip from her eyes onto my shoulder, while she struggles to compose herself. "I'm sure it is."

"I can do it, if it is what is best for Amar." Sultana looks around like she's trying to make sure no one is listening to us. "I know it hasn't been a day yet, but I just can't tell that it makes any difference to him. He stares around here like he doesn't know where he is, like he doesn't know where anything around him is located."

Her description, which matches what I noticed in the short amount of time I saw him when we arrived, reminds me of Max the night I gave him the memory serum. "He's just adjusting. He'll be back to normal soon," I assure Sultana - and myself.

"But what will normal be?" Sultana asks me urgently, her brown eyes begging me for an answer. "Normal is his Mom-ma and Daddy taking care of him, not Grandma and Grandpa. I don't know if I'm up to this, to raising another child. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we can do it. I don't want anyone else doing it. I don't want him going to anyone else. I just wish there was someone… younger. There's just no one else to do it."

"You have us," I respond quickly and firmly, knowing that Eli will be willing to step in and help, too. "Eli and I will do anything that you need us to do."

Sultana stops and presses a hand to my cheek. "Thank you. I appreciate your willingness, and we will probably take you up on that. It's just… Jazz has – had – no family here, and Amira is dead, too…"

I wonder if I should let her explain that sentence, or if I should let her know that Jazz shared with me that she is a transfer, too, and that Eli has told me about her younger child, but I don't have to decide. Sultana is so preoccupied that she doesn't stop to remember that I haven't always been here to know these things. She moves absentmindedly around Jazz's kitchen, opening random cabinets to find things. In that moment, I wish we were in Abnegation, where people would bring Sultana food instead of forcing her to be in here, away from everyone else, struggling with both her emotions and with locating things in her dead daughter-in-law's kitchen.

* * *

Eli forces me to leave Sultana after I help her fix lunch for everyone. "Hana needs to rest, and we have other people we need to visit," he says as he hugs her good-bye. "But we'll be back. You can be sure of that. We'll probably be back so much that you'll get sick of us."

Sultana clings to him and in a moment of weakness admits, "That will never happen. You and Nick are all I have left." She pulls away and wipes her eyes. "Be careful."

Eli nods and with a gentle hand on my back pushes me out of the apartment. "You do need to rest, and we do have other people we need to visit," he says in a low tone, "but one of the people who just came in told me that Marley is hiding in the stairwell. We need to check on her next."

We find Marley in the stairwell on the floor between Jazz's apartment and ours. There is a white bandage that covers her forehead, right eye, and cheek. "You found me," Marley says, relieved. "I was hoping that Mike would get my message to you."

"Let's get to our apartment." Eli ushers Marley and me down the stairs. "We can talk there."

We walk to the apartment in silence. Eli waits until we are all inside with the door closed and seated to ask Marley what we are both dying to know. "Why are you still here?"

"I'm here to throw them off the track, to keep them from suspecting what we were doing," Marley responds earnestly.

"What do you mean by that?" Eli sounds confused.

"It took a little bit to convince Natalie, but it seemed like the obvious solution to me when I saw my face." She gently touches the bandage. "I'm on the list of the Divergent. The driver from the train was missing. They couldn't find him anywhere, not in the wreakage, not near the tracks. No one knows if he just happened to bail out on their own, or if Erudite figured out that there were so many Divergent on the train and decided to take advantage of that. If all of us had died, Erudite might start thinking that something is up. If at least one of us survives, it could keep them from realizing that we were trying to _escape_."

"Do you think that is the direction they will take this?" I ask. I hadn't stopped to think what Erudite was going to think about the accident and the fact that _every_ Divergent found in the test was on it.

Marley purses her lips. "I'm not sure _what_ Erudite is going to make of the fact that _everyone_ who they identified as being Divergent was on that train. If they caused the accident to be real, it means one of two things. They were either thinking it _was_ a coincidence and took advantage of it, or they figured out that we know they are after us and were trying to leave. I'm hoping my surviving the accident will make them lean towards the idea of a coincidence."

"Marley," Eli leans forward from his spot next to me on the couch towards the chair Marley is sitting on, "the fact that you were injured isn't going to stop them. They are _still_ going to try to kill you."

"I'm going to go Factionless in about a month." Marley smiles slightly. "Once I accept that I'm going to be scarred, no one is going to expect me to stay around here."

"Marley, they'll look for you there, too," I speak up.

"I won't be there more than a couple of days. I'll make sure Factionless Patrol sees me a couple of times and then…Natalie will spirit me out to the other side of the fence with the rest of them. Well, the rest of the ones who survived." Marley hangs her head. "The wrong ones died," she says sadly. "My group should have been in the first car. We should have been the ones who died."

"Marley, how can you say that?" Eli sounds shocked by her admission.

"Look at the group I was with. We have no one, besides parents, that we have left behind. No one misses us. No one mourns the deaths of the group I was with like they do Jazz and Rais and the people they were with. People really died." I see tears fill Marley's one dark green eye that is not covered by her bandage. "If I would have taken the first car with my group, I would probably be dead, not scarred, and Amar would still have his parents. There are couples that might have had the chance to stay together, because they both would have lived. We should have been the ones to die, Eli, not them." Tears begin to fall from her left eye, the one that isn't bandaged.

* * *

We struggle. Each of us struggles to get through the next few days. At work the next day, I see Phil's empty seat, and I wonder if he is alive or really dead. He was Divergent, so the fact that his name was on the list of the dead tells me nothing. His wife was on the list of the dead also, but that could go either way, too. Their oldest son joined Dauntless two years ago the same time as George. Their younger son will have his Choosing next year. They are practically grown. I could see it being easier for a couple like that to make the decision to both go. I tell myself they are both alive and happy on the other side of the fence. I turn away from his empty seat and put my headphones on as I watch my screen. It easier to tell myself that than to think they may have ended up like Jazz and Rais.

When I look at the screen, the first thing I see a flash of Rodney standing on the podium. I hear him mention his sister's name. Is she really alive? Her husband came back, but they have two young children. I think they are Lauren's and Amar's age. Did he come back for the children, or did he come back, bandaged and bruised, because there was no wife to leave with?

I wipe at the tears teetering on the edge of my eyelashes to keep them from falling. Relief fills me when my next few cameras show Candor. I find myself hoping I mainly get feeds from the other factions today. I don't know if I can handle watching what is going on around here.

* * *

"I'm going to be a monster!" Marley's voice carries across the cafeteria.

Everyone at the table turns to see what is going on. Mike, the guy who told Eli that Marley was hiding in the stairwell, stands next to her. "Marley, babe, you're still good looking…"

"Good looking? Good looking?" A screech from Marley cuts him off. "I'm not used to being _good_ _looking_!" Recklessly she pulls off the bandage covering her scar. "Are you still going to want to be seen with me when _this_ isn't hidden? When everyone can see the freak that I've become? I should have just died with the rest of them." She swipes at what I assume are tears on her cheeks.

Mike doesn't respond, just looks at her. The red line of the scar is visible even from the three tables away where we sit. It looks even worse than I thought it would. Its jagged line starts about an inch beneath her hairline, bisects her eyebrow, which now appears to be two different heights, and miraculously skips her eye and trails off just shy of the bottom of her cheek. What did she get cut with?

Marley waits for him to respond and when he doesn't, she finally does. The cafeteria has grown quiet enough that I can just hear her cold words. "I guess that is my answer. There really isn't a point in me sticking around for this, is there?" She turns around and leaves without giving him a chance to say anything.

Eli and I share a quick glance. She's supposed to start small and work up. Make general comments, talk to people about it, drop hints that she's thinking about leaving, then have one or two blow ups in the cafeteria like this before she goes Factionless, and we've got another week left before she's supposed to start that. Something has gone wrong. Eli presses a hand to my leg. I feel five fingers dig in. It's the sign to give him five minutes with her. Then he lifts his hand and stands up. "I better go check on her." No one in her group has moved.

"Okay…" I hope the concern in my voice comes across more as concern about Eli being the one to go than as concern for Marley herself. No one expects me, of all people, to be worried about Marley, but I know something is wrong, and the way she is acting right now scares me.

Eli isn't back in five minutes. I look at Nick, who is sitting next to Ezekiel, helping him eat. "Nick, do you mind watching Ezekiel? I want to see what is taking Eli so long."

"Of course not. If we're not here when you get finished making sure my cousin understands you don't go chasing after an ex, then we'll be at my place. I'll take him there, and we'll hang out together."

"Should I be worried about you taking my son to a bachelor pad?" I tease as I pick up my tray.

"There's nothing to worry about, Hana. I just plan on teaching him how to start a fire tonight." Nick's eyes twinkle.

"Leeann…" I plead jokingly.

"Don't worry. I'll check Nick's apartment for matches," she joins in. "Now, go and keep my cousin in line."

I leave quickly. They aren't by the Chasm, so I head to Marley's apartment. Something is wrong, and I'm torn between wanting to know what it is and not wanting to ever find out. The fact that no one answers the door at Marley's makes me even more anxious. I think about it for a minute, then realize that can only mean that they went to our apartment about instead of hers. I move as quickly as I dare to the elevators. My heart beats loud enough that I'm sure the other occupants of the elevator can hear it, but no one reacts, so it must just be my nerves that allow me to hear the pounding.

Eli must have been waiting for me, since he opens the door before my hand touches the knob. "This isn't good."

"What's up?" I ask worriedly.

"I had a strange accident last night," Marley admits looking around the apartment avoiding our eyes.

"What happened?" I ask.

"It was just an accident." Marley tries to brush it off.

"Tell her what happened," Eli commands in a growl.

"I was standing by the Chasm, looking out and thinking about what happened, when someone bumped into me."

"Bumped you?!" Eli's voice is dry as he prompts her. Marley doesn't continue. Eli glares at her and finishes, "You almost fell into the Chasm."

I make my way over to the couch and sit down. "Did you see who it was?" I check, thinking of Renee.

"With this eye?" Marley holds the bandage that she removed in the cafeteria, reminding us it has been covering her right eye. "It was after lights out, so I couldn't see much at all."

"What were you doing out after lights out?" Eli fights to keep from yelling at her.

"I had to get out of my apartment. The walls were closing in, and all I could think about were those people who really died, those people who would have lived if my group had just taken the first train…" Marley suddenly breaks off and looks away from us.

"There would have still been deaths." I look her in her dark green eyes, willing her to understand and accept what I am saying. "You changing cars wouldn't change that."

"I know." She takes a deep breath and breaks her gaze with me, looking not at Eli but at a couple of Ezekiel's toys that are spread out on the floor. "But…"

"It's not your fault," I interrupt her firmly. "It's fate. Don't throw your life away. You were spared for a reason."

"Why? So I can scare people with this?" She points savagely at her scar. "There's no point in _me_ being alive."

"There is a point in _every_ life," I retort, feeling more than a little Abnegation as I do.

"It's hard…" She stops as tears stream down her face.

"I understand, it's hard," I say gently. "I put every single person on that train."

Marley looks at me like she is seeing me for the first time. Her eyes are bright with tears. "How do you do it?"

"I'm not sure," I answer honestly. "Maybe it helps that I have done this before. When you do get to the other side of the fence, you will find people there whom you _think_ are dead, that aren't. I've had the experience of this working properly before, and that allows me to be able to accept the possibility that if I hadn't, _every one_ of you who are Divergent would be dead for real already or soon. I hate to say I have to blame someone else, but in a way, I do."

Marley speaks slowly like she is trying to comprehend her own words. "In other words, it's not my fault that we were on the train to begin with."

"Something like that," I answer. It's not a good answer, I know that, but it's the only one I have to give her.

"Do you know if it was a man or woman?" Eli brings the conversation back to the attacker.

"Man," she answers quickly. So much for thinking it was Renee.

"Did you see anything you could see that might identify him?" Eli checks.

"He had a tattoo of an Erudite eye peeking out between Dauntless flames on his chest."

"You couldn't see his face, but a tattoo on his chest, _that_ you could see?" Eli says with a touch of incredulous humor in his voice.

"I grabbed his shirt as I was falling and it tore part way open." Marley gives a slightly seductive grin. "I can't help it if my eyes are drawn to a muscular bare chest." Her eyes rest on Eli's chest.

He folds his arms over his chest like he is trying to shield it from her. "Did it look like Tori's work or Bud's?"

Marley closes her eyes like she is visualizing it; when her eyes open, there is a light in them. "Actually, it looked like Frank's work."

"Frank?" I ask, unsure who this is.

"Frank was the tattoo artist who picked out Bud. He died two years before you came to Dauntless. It doesn't narrow things down much, but we know it's not someone who transferred any later than that." Eli's voice trails off. "We're going to have to take what little we can get."

I look at Marley. "Is there anything else you can remember?"

Marley shakes her head. "I'm sorry. That's all I noticed."

I think about the implications of what Marley has told us. It appears Erudite isn't taking any chances. "This changes everything. You're going to have to go Factionless tonight."

"You can get in touch with Natalie and tell her?" Marley sounds surprised.

"I don't know," I admit. "I'm going to take a quick trip to Abnegation. The two of you are going to get everything put together that you will want to take with you for your brief life as a Factionless person: food, some clothes, bedding, things like that. Stage a public argument about Marley leaving us for the Factionless, and somehow get Ezekiel picked up from Nick without him figuring out what is going on. And get your eye re-bandaged. I'll meet you both back here as soon as I can."

* * *

Eli is not happy with my plan, but it's the only one I can come up with quickly enough to get Marley out tonight. I don't trust whoever attacked her not to try it again, and we've already lost too many people for me to even _consider_ the idea of taking a chance on anything happen to Marley.

I jump onto the train near Dauntless dressed in black, and jump off of the train just outside Abnegation dressed in gray.

It's a longer walk to Natalie's than what I'd like for it to be, but I don't dare take a bus this time of night. They're too empty. Before I knock on the Priors' door, it opens, and my heart stops as Marcus steps out. He looks me up and down then turns around. "Andrew, you seem to have a visitor." He looks suspiciously at me, like he knows I don't belong here.

Andrew walks to the door, trying to hide his shock when he sees me. "I didn't realize Natalie was expecting you."

"She wasn't." I automatically revert back to the bland voice I always used as a child. I place my hand on the baby like he is my first, and the reason I am here. "I need to talk to her about something."

Marcus waits by the door, trying to find out what is going on. "Go on in. She's in the kitchen," Andrew tells me.

"Thank you." I remember the head bob that should go with those words just in time and walk past Andrew and Marcus without another word.

"Andrew, I don't recognize her. Who is she married to?" Marcus asks when he thinks I am out of earshot.

I feel bad as I hear Andrew's response. "I don't remember his name, or even hers. She's someone that Natalie took under her wing recently."

As I walk to the kitchen, I can see two gray backs working together in the kitchen. "You don't have to help." Natalie's voice is soft. "Andrew will help me."

"It's my pleasure to help you. You have Caleb, and you'll need to be able to take care of him soon."

My heart stops as my worlds collide. It's one thing for me to walk past Marcus who never took any notice of me when I was a child; it's another thing to have to face…

"Gayle, you have your own children at home waiting for you. Why don't you go on ahead? Really, there's not much left to do, and Caleb should sleep for another hour before he needs to eat. The dishes will be done long before that," Natalie responds, turning around. She stifles a gasp when she sees me. There is nowhere for me to hide.

Gayle turns around to see what has startled Natalie. Her hand flies to her mouth to keep from saying my name as she sees a sight she never thought she would see: her younger sister, pregnant and dressed in Abnegation gray.

Natalie recovers first. "Sit down, both of you," she whispers harshly and walks quickly past me to make sure Marcus has left.

I hear the door close and Andrew's voice say tightly, "Be prepared to answer some questions the next time you see him."

Gayle stares at me; neither of us say anything until Natalie comes back and announces with a worried look, "Marcus is gone. Why are you here?"

I give a quick glance at Gayle, but I figure if it wasn't okay to speak in front of her, Natalie would be fixing tea to put memory serum in instead of sitting down at the table with us. "Someone tried to push Marley into the Chasm last night."

Gayle looks at Natalie accusingly. "My _sister_ is your contact in Dauntless?"

"Can you think of someone better to trust?" Natalie asks. Her green eyes twinkle, but she manages to keep a bland Abnegation smile.

Gayle is quiet for a moment thinking it through. "No, I can't, but why didn't you tell me this before?"

"As with everything I do, the fewer people who know, the better," Natalie says, grimly turning to me. "How soon do you think we can get Marley out?"

"Tonight. I already have plans in motion."

* * *

I get back to Dauntless just in time to witness what appears to be the end of Eli and Marley's public fight about her leaving to join the Factionless. "You cannot be so vain and so shallow that you really think being as good as dead, being _Factionless_ , is better than living here in Dauntless," Eli spits at her.

"I am not going to stand by while people pity me!" Marley retorts. "Besides, now that I look like this, no one is going to care if I'm alive or dead, so I might as well be dead." I see real tears gather in her eyes.

"That is the most ridiculous thing…" Eli sputters. "I care."

Marley gives an outright laugh at that. "I bet your wife would _love_ to hear that."

My breath catches at her insinuation. I can't believe with everything I'm doing to help her, she would actually insinuate…I try to remind myself that this is just part of their act, but it is hard.

"You're my friend, Marley. We may have a past, but my wife knows I love her, and I wouldn't do anything to destroy her trust." Eli shakes his head at her and takes a deep breath. "I need to go pick up Zeke. Come with me, Marley. We'll pick up Zeke and we can talk to Hana, and you'll see. More people than you realize care about you and want you to be safe."

I slip off, unnoticed, to the elevators while they go to Nick's to pick up Ezekiel. I should get some supplies together for Marley, mainly food. Somehow I don't picture Marley as the type to have much food in her apartment. Natalie and Gayle don't have much to spare, since food will be distributed to Abnegation again in two days. Normally Natalie would be able to get some together, but with as quickly as we need to move tonight, she doesn't have time to stop by the supply house to get it.

I have the food put together by the time the three of them show up at the apartment, Eli carrying a sleeping Ezekiel. He kisses me and then continues on past me to put our son to bed.

"Did you have much food?" I ask Marley.

"Almost none," Marley admits. "I've never been one for cooking at home."

"Here." I pass a bundle of food over to her. "This should be enough to last you for a couple of days. Natalie should either be able to get you more or have you out of the city before you run out."

Eli comes back and asks, "What is the plan?"

I take a deep breath and hop up on the kitchen counter. Eli isn't going to like this plan, either. "We hang out here until curfew. Then Marley and I leave Dauntless and go for a walk. I make sure her contact is there, and I come back home."

As I expected, Eli doesn't look happy about this plan. "Why don't _I_ take Marley and _you_ stay home?"

"I'm not taking her to Natalie. She's going to be meeting up with one of the Abnegation Council members." I leave out the fact that this Council member is Gayle. If he knew, he would argue that he can still do it, since he knows her. But she doesn't need to know that he is involved, too.

"She always seems to know how to make sure I can't be involved in this, doesn't she?" he mutters under his breath.

Marley looks uncomfortable; she twirls a piece of hair around her finger and looks anywhere rather than at us.

"Eli, she is trying to protect you," I answer in what I hope is a soothing voice.

"What about you?" Eli asks desperately. He walks over to the counter that I'm sitting on and looks me in the eye, framing my face with his hands and forcing me to look at him. "I'd rather her worry about protecting _you_ than me."

That's my husband. "Eli, I'm not in the same danger as you."

"No, you're not. You're in _more_ danger since you are the one helping," he returns sternly.

"Can I use your bathroom?" Marley asks timidly. I think she's just looking for a way to get away from this argument. Eli doesn't turn around but gives her a quick, curt nod. Marley heads to the bathroom, and it is my turn to frame Eli's face in my hands. "Eli, I'll be fine. I'm safe. Uriah is fine, too."

"If I'm not there to protect you, how do I know that?" His brown eyes hold mine, willing me to understand.

"You trust me," I answer simply.

* * *

"Are you and Eli okay?" Marley asks me hesitantly as we walk through the Factionless Sector.

"We're fine. What I do for Natalie has always been and will always be a point of contention for us." I smile even though she can't see me and decide that after _all_ the comments she has made to me, it's my turn. "We always have fun making up."

Marley gives a little chuckle. "Is that why you always seem to be pregnant?"

I laugh and Uriah gives a gentle kick, letting me know he's still fine. "It might be."

We walk in silence for a while. When Marley speaks, her voice is oddly timid. "I'm not sure how things are going to turn out for me once I leave here. I don't know how I'm going to handle this scar once I really realize it isn't going to ever go away, but I do want to thank you for getting us – for getting _me_ – out of here. I'm sure the idea of not helping me was a little tempting to you."

"It never crossed my mind not to help you," I answer truthfully, surprised that she could even think that way. I lead her up the stairs to the building we will meet Gayle in.

"Never?" Marley responds disbelievingly.

"Never," I insist, ducking through the broken door. I call out in a whisper, "Gayle."

"I'm here," my sister responds just as quietly.

"Gayle, this is Marley. Marley, this is Gayle." I give them a quick introduction, leaving out our relationship. Marley doesn't need to know that. "Gayle is a council member who is aware of what Natalie does and helps her. She's going to get you situated today, and she'll bring Natalie to you tomorrow."

Gayle bobs her head at me. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is good," I answer honestly.

"We'll see you and Eli on Visiting Day?" So much for keeping our relationship from Marley.

"Along with Uriah." There is an odd note of longing in my voice. I still have months before he is here, but I'm growing impatient. I want him safely here.

"Uriah." She repeats his name then nods that Abnegation nod again. "Let's go, Marley. We have a safe house ready for you."

"Just a minute." She takes a deep breath and looks at me. "I've been horrible to you several times over the years. I'm sorry."

"It's all forgiven," I respond with a tight throat.

"You and Eli take care of each other, and your boys."

"We will," I promise. And with an Abnegation-style head bob to Gayle and then to Marley, I leave.


	46. Chapter 46- Amar

**I'm sorry! I know it has been _forever_ since you have gotten an update. Life has hit us pretty hard. Both Bahrfamily and I have hectic schedules and there's a health issue being dealt with and... enough excuses. We're back.**

 **Also, if you missed it I have another short story going _George Wu_. (Betad by BK2U) It works within this book and starts with George coming to Dauntless, his escape from Dauntless, and shows you some of his life at the Bureau. I'm doing something a little different with it. The whole story for Geroge is done. I publish the next chapter when the current chapter gets 15 reviews. Chapter 1 is stuck on 9 reviews. If you get a chance go over there and check it out. (and leave a review) Guest reviews count on this too! **

**Before this author's note gets too long...**

 **I promised the quote on why Jazz and Rais had to die. This is the chapter that includes them. They are included here in reference to Amar's reactions when he talks about his parents' death. His reaction always struck me as odd. This comes from** **Four: A Divergent Collection: The Initiate**

 ** _"_** ** _What about your parents?" I ask Amar._**

 ** _He shrugs. "Died when I was young. Train accident. Very sad." He grins like it's not. "And my gran_** ** _dparents took the jump after I became an official member of Dauntless." He makes a careening gesture with his hand, suggesting a dive._**

 **Then, a couple of paragraphs** **later** **he explains what happened to his grandparents:**

 ** _He tilts his head up to the sky, and his eyes reflect the moonlight. For a moment I feel like he is showing me a secret self, one carefully hidden beneath layers of charm and humor and Dauntless bravado, and it scares me, because that secret self is hard, and cold, and sad._**

 **And again Amar's odd behavior is mentioned, this time by Max, after Amar's "suicide".**

 ** _"_** ** _He was always a little troubled, a little unbalanced. Not like the rest of the initiates in his class," Max says. "I think losing his grandparents really took a toll on him. Or maybe the problem was deeper… I don't know. It could be that he's better off this way."_**

 **The majority of this chapter is my attempt to explain Amar's behavior relating to his** **parents'** **and later his grandparents' deaths, but mainly his parents** **'** **, because I AM NOT KILLING OFF SULTANA AND KAMIL! The story ends before Amar's Choosing Ceremony, and since Sultana and Kamil died AFTER he became a member, they are safe. I think if Max is comparing him to the initiates in his class, more of it came from his parents** **'** **deaths than from theirs** **,** **since Sultana and Kamil didn't die until** ** _after_** **he became a member.**

 **Chapter 46 Amar**

"Congratulations!" I smile a genuine smile as I walk into Abilyn's room in the infirmary. It feels like the first time I have smiled in the week since the train wreck. I was headed to work yesterday when I heard she had the baby. The room is empty since everyone else came by to see her last night.

Zeke drops my hand and runs away, looking through the room for his playmate. "'Auna! 'Auna!"

Abilyn smiles tiredly. "Thank you."

"How are you doing?" I ask, sitting in the empty chair drawn up next to Abilyn's bed.

"I'm doing well. Tired, but that's a given at this stage of the game," she says with a laugh.

Zeke comes up to Abilyn and demands, "Where 'Auna?"

"Shauna's with her grandma."

"No, 'Auna?" he checks.

"No, I'm sorry, Zeke, no Shauna." Abilyn smiles at him.

Zeke climbs up in what is left of my lap, his lower lip pouting.

"Where is the baby?" I finally remark on Abilyn's empty arms.

"Bekah came and got her about ten minutes ago. They need to run her hearing test before we can take her home. Ben is taking the time to run and check on Shauna for me." Abilyn tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, the one that is slowly filling up with earrings, one for each major event in her life here in Dauntless. There will be a new one soon, for the new baby, I'm sure. "The hardest part about the second child is being away from the first."

I don't remind her I know that better than she does. I simply nod my understanding and swallow hard. I remember those dark days when I was stuck in Erudite, after Angel died, desperate to see and hold Ezekiel. I hadn't stopped to think about the fact that even though this time we'll be in Dauntless together, I'll still be apart from him.

Abilyn doesn't seem to notice my reaction, since Bekah walks in to return her daughter. "How's her hearing?" Abilyn questions.

"Perfect," Bekah assures her.

Abilyn relaxes on her pillow. "Zeke, can your mommy hold the new baby?"

Zeke sits up a little straighter on my lap. "I help."

Bekah glances at Abilyn, who checks with me. "Do you have an extra pillow? We've been practicing for our new baby," I explain.

Abilyn looks at me curiously while Bekah grabs a pillow from the small couch it looks like Ben has been sleeping on. She hands it to me awkwardly while she continues to hold the swaddled bundle.

"I was about year older than Ezekiel when my younger brother was born. Mom told me she would put a pillow on my lap so I could help hold the baby when she was busy." I adjust the pillow so it crosses Ezekiel's lap and mine.

Bekah smiles, seeming to figure out how this is going to work, and then passes the baby girl over to me, so that I am supporting her head and Ezekiel has her feet. "Abilyn, she's beautiful." The baby has delicate, even features.

"Isn't she? I'm not quite sure where she gets those looks from." Abilyn's voice is full of awe.

I want to laugh; she looks a lot like Abilyn. "What's her name?" I keep one eye on Ezekiel while I study her baby's face.

"Lynn," Abilyn says matter-of-factly.

"Lynn? Like, short for Abilyn?" I try not to laugh at her.

"Go ahead, laugh. Everyone else has. Lynn like short for Katelyn, my grandma, and Carolyn, my mom, and Abilyn. Second daughters always have Lynn in their name. Ben and I couldn't agree on anything to put in front of the Lynn, so… she's just Lynn."

* * *

After we leave Abilyn's room, Ezekiel and I head over to see Sultana and Amar. They've given Sultana an indefinite leave from the Control Room while she deals with all the changes from the train wreck. "Amar," Sultana's voice is a fake bright tone, "why don't you take Zeke to your room to play. I think he likes playing with your train set."

Amar turns to Ezekiel, a curious look on his face, like he's checking with Ezekiel to see if his grandma is right that the younger boy likes to play with trains.

Ezekiel's face lights up at the mention of Amar's train set. "Mommy, we play with trains?" He squirms excitedly, checking with me.

I can't help but laugh at little. "Yes, Ezekiel, you can go to Amar's room and play with his trains." Ezekiel takes off towards Amar's room in an excited rush.

Amar smiles at his grandma and hurries off after the younger boy. "Wait up, 'Zekiel."

The name rings in my head. 'Zekiel? Where did that come from? Amar, like most of Dauntless, has never called him anything but Zeke.

"I don't know what to do about Amar's birthday," Sultana tells me wearily after we sit down. "I just don't have the energy for a party right now."

"I have an idea. What if we do a joint party for both boys?" I offer. I had mentioned the idea to Eli just last night, and he was in favor of it.

Sultana closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and opens them again. "That's not fair to you, Hana."

"Why not?" I challenge her. "We're going to have a party for Ezekiel anyway. It would be a few more people, mainly people with kids Amar's age. Really, we hang out with the same people for the most part, so it won't be too much more work."

"But what about Zeke? Won't he want to have his party to himself?" she tries again weakly.

I laugh. "Amar is the big boy he looks up to. You think he _wouldn't_ want to get to share a party with him?"

Sultana looks half convinced, but tries one more time. "I don't know. Amar seems so… off… these days."

"What do you mean?" The alarm bell that sounded in my head when Amar called him 'Zekiel rings again, louder this time.

"I don't know for sure how to explain it, Hana, he's just… different. It's big things, like the fact he hasn't even asked for either Rais or Jazz yet. He acts like he knows something is missing, but he doesn't seem to know what it is. It's also little things, like right now when he called Zeke, 'Zekiel. Being in his apartment doesn't seem to make a difference to him. He's just as content at our apartment as his. He knows what he knows, but he doesn't remember anything," Sultana finishes with a sentence that grabs my attention.

I feel a weight drop into my stomach as I hear her sentence repeat in my head. It reminds me of Max when I gave him the memory serum. "Maybe he's still just in shock," I say hopefully.

"I don't know," Sultana says sadly. "I'm worried about him."

"Let's see what the boys think about the idea of a joint party," I suggest, standing up and dodging thoughts about my own fears.

* * *

Just like I predicted, Ezekiel is excited by the idea of a joint party with Amar. Amar doesn't seem to care if he shares a party with Ezekiel. What worries me is that Amar doesn't seem to be sure what a birthday party is. He appears to keep an eye on Ezekiel and mimics his reactions.

As soon as we get back to our apartment and I get Ezekiel distracted, I start the emails to Natalie. I know this will probably take _days_ for us to get this worked out. I wish I could just contact her or show up at her house again so we could talk about Amar, but with my close call with Marcus the last time I was there, I probably shouldn't do that.

* * *

 ** _It looks like we have a problem with_** ** _Amar_** ** _. There's something wrong with him._**

* * *

 ** _What's wrong? Is there a hidden injury from the accident?_**

* * *

 ** _I almost wish that was it. There is something wrong with his memory. He doesn't seem to_** ** _remember things_** ** _that he should._**

* * *

 ** _Can_** ** _we meet Saturday? Can you bring him somewhere that I can see him?_**

* * *

 ** _We're having a joint birthday party for_** ** _Amar and Exekiel_** ** _that day. Do you want to try for Monday?_** ** _Eli_** ** _will be at work. I'm on overnights._** ** _I'll ask Sultana_** ** _to let me take the boys out that afternoon._**

* * *

 ** _How about Lincoln Park on Monday?_**

* * *

 ** _It_** ** _would have to be around four so Amar will be back from school. Can you get away during the day?_**

* * *

 ** _I'll meet you at the entrance._**

* * *

The plans for the boys' joint birthday party are pretty simple. We already had planned a party for Ezekiel's birthday, so we just add Amar and a few of his friends to it. Everyone is still in shock from the train accident, so it is hard to think about doing much of a party. People go through the motions and try to keep life normal, especially for the kids, but at the same time, we are all still working our way through the tragedy that has gripped our faction.

I watch Amar carefully, looking for any trace of recognition when it comes to his friends that we don't normally eat with. The first one to arrive is a boy with a pierced nose. His brown hair touches the collar of his dress shirt. "Amar!" The boy runs over hugs him. "I'm glad you weren't killeded in the train crash."

Amar looks at him blankly and the boy's mom quickly pulls him away. "I'm sorry," I over hear her saying to Sultana. "We told him that Amar's parents had died in the train crash. I never thought he might..."

Before she can say anything else Sultana stops her. "There's nothing for you to apologize for. Amar doesn't seem to know how to react to his parents dying."

The mother takes advantage of the opening. "Is it true? Was Amar really on the train, too?"

Sultana licks her lips before answering. "Yes, he was, but he doesn't talk about it. I think his memory has blocked out what happened. I was told that they found him in Jazz's arms, that Rais was trying to protect her and she was trying to protect..."

The mother reaches out and hugs Sultana. "You raised a wonderful son, Sultana. He and Jazz both would have wanted it to be that way. If only one of them was going to live, they both would have wanted it to be Amar."

"I know." Sultana blinks her eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling.

Carly comes in next. Micah has one arm around her back and he holds Gus's hand with his free one. Gus holds two bags in the hand his father doesn't hold. Carly is huge. When I see her at work, she is normally sitting down. I didn't realize she had gotten quite so big. She sits on a chair with arms on it so she can use them to get herself up.

"Amar," Gus walks over to him, holding out one of the bags. "I talked my parents into it!" He sounds excited.

"Into what?" Amar asks.

Gus looks at him, puzzled. "Remember the last time we played at my house, before the accident? You told me you wanted one just like mine."

A sinking feeling fills me at how lost Amar looks. He tries to figure out how to cover. He finally responds, trying to look like he knows what it is, and he is happy about it. "Cool! Thanks..." His voice trails off and I realize he doesn't remember Gus's name.

Gus doesn't notice Amar's odd reaction and walks off to put the present with the rest of them, looking pleased with himself.

Amar looks around the room, confused. He finally seems to realize that he should know everyone in the room, and he doesn't. I walk over to him and sit on the ground next to him. Softly I start to teach him the names of his friends, at least the ones that I know. "That was Gus."

* * *

Ezekiel tries to slip Amar's present from Gus into his pile as we work towards getting everything ready to go back to Amar's apartment. Evidently the toy gun and the target that came with it to shoot the sticky bullets at was something he wanted, too.

"That isn't your present," I tell him as I pull it out of his pile and hand it to Amar.

Ezekiel's lower lip sticks out in a pout.

"You can come to my place and play with it," Amar offers, then looks up at Sultana. "He can, can't he Grandma?"

Sultana smiles. "Of course he can."

"Tomorrow?" Amar looks excited by the thought.

Kamil puts his arm around Sultana. "We'll see."

* * *

While the boys take turns in Amar's room with his new gun, we four adults sit around Jazz's table, playing cards.

"Did you notice Amar at the party?" Sultana asks as she plays her card.

I notice Kamil shoot Sultana a look that says she needs to quit dwelling on her concerns about how Amar is acting.

I let Eli answer; since Sultana has already shared her fears with me, I think she is directing it more to Eli. "He seemed a little lost at times. He didn't know a couple of his friends' names. He's been through a lot." Eli puts the card in his hand face down on the table so he can pay more attention to the conversation than the game.

"I'm sure that's all it is." Kamil's voice is firm, but he doesn't sound convinced as he agrees with this. I have a feeling he doesn't want to worry Sultana more than she already is. He plays his next card to try to keep the game going.

"Can I take Amar tomorrow afternoon? I thought I'd get Ezekiel out while the weather is still nice and I'm sure he'd like to have Amar go with us." I jump in to help Kamil change the topic, since I still need to set it up with Sultana so I can take him to see Natalie.

He looks at me with a grateful smile. "I think that should be fine."

* * *

The entrance to Lincoln Park Zoo still has the crumbling stone walls and the eerie looking statues of the animals that once lived there guarding the entranceway. What must once have been a metal archway has fallen, creating an obstacle of twisted metal that blocks part of the walkway. A lane of sorts has been created over the years as people have pushed it aside to get into the forlorn-looking refuge.

Natalie watches a young boy in gray who appears to be about Ezekiel's age as he stands staring at the large dark metal cat-like creature that stands in front of it. If I remember right from reading the plaque on it when we played Capture the Flag all those years ago, it is called a lion. Caleb is cocooned next to her, asleep. "I'm sorry," she tells me. "Evelyn, Marcus's wife, fell and broke her arm yesterday. Marcus and Andrew have committee meetings all day."

A small laugh bubbles up from somewhere deep inside. "And being Abnegation, when Marcus mentioned that it is going to be hard for his wife to keep up with their son…"

"You know how it goes. I couldn't say no," Natalie confirms with a smile.

"What's his name?" I watch him shrink back as Amar and Ezekiel approach him.

"Tobias." Natalie sighs. "Poor boy keeps to himself. He's afraid of his own shadow. I've never seen such a quiet child. Do you think it will be okay if I talk to Amar by himself?"

"I think so, just don't go too far away. Sultana knows I planned to bring the boys here. She came from Erudite, so I'm not sure she'll realize it is a little odd to run into someone from Abnegation out here if he mentions it."

Natalie moves over to the kids and starts up a conversation with Amar. Tobias watches her worriedly for a minute, then changes his attention to Ezekiel. Ezekiel has climbed up on the cat's back and is trying to figure out how to get from the back to the head. He tries to stand on the back, and Tobias's midnight-blue eyes widen in disbelief.

It is one of those moments when Faction differences stand out to me with a new clarity. I know what I am supposed to do with each boy, and it bothers me that it is so different. At this moment I realize I should be directing Tobias away from the statue. Especially with Ezekiel climbing on it, it is a temptation. There is nothing to be gained by Tobias standing there. It is wrong for him to try to play on it, too. I _should_ be drawing his attention over to the walkway that is littered with the debris of decades and making a game, like my mother used to, of clearing the pathway with him. That would be the selfless thing to do, for him to give up the adventure and play time, to do something for other people, even if he doesn't know who he is doing it for.

Ezekiel, on the other hand, is doing exactly what he should be doing. He's trying something that could be risky. There is a good chance that he could slip on the metal cat and fall. If that happens, he will hit his head on the rock that it rests on, but I can't step in because if I am there as a safety net, I'm not doing my job as a Dauntless mom. I should be encouraging Ezekiel to climb higher, to try something new.

In a wild moment, I wonder what would happen if I encouraged Tobias. If I tried to get him to climb the statue with Ezekiel, what would happen? Would he try more daring things as he gets older? Would it change the course of his life?

What would happen if I took _both_ boys and made a game out of clearing the pathway? If I tried to put just a little Abnegation into Ezekiel's day, would my son one day leave me and join my family?

Would one event in one day, make a difference to either of their futures?

"Help." Ezekiel's voice isn't loud, but it gets both my attention and Tobias's. Tobias moves forward quickly and puts a hand on Ezekiel, steadying him on the statue. I smile a little to myself as the boys interact with each other within their Faction boundaries. Ezekiel takes the risks, and Tobias is there to help him when things look like they are going wrong.

"My turn!" Amar's voice rings out as he joins the boys. Ezekiel moves so that Amar can climb on the back of the cat without being in his way.

Natalie is suddenly beside me. "I tried talking to him, just asking him some basic questions. He can tie his shoes, he knows his alphabet, he knows your name…" her voice trails off.

"But?" I heard the unspoken word in her voice and say it for her.

"But other than your name, which I'm sure he's been told since the accident, he doesn't remember personal things. He doesn't know what color hair his mom had. He doesn't remember what he got for his birthday last year." Natalie's voice is sad. "I'm pretty sure I know what happened."

I know it, too, but I have to hear her say it. "What happened?"

"They gave him too much memory serum."

"He's never going to remember his parents, is he?" I say sadly as I turn and watch Amar trade places with Ezekiel so he can climb the lion.

"I'm afraid his only memories from before the train wreck will be the ones that people tell him."

 **Last chance if you want to guess the Dauntless Babies. We all knew Abilyn would be having Lynn, since she is Shauna's mom. Next chapter is "Baby Boom." Most of them are going to be born then! Good luck!**


	47. Chapter 47- Baby Boom

**Thank you to Shori who helped me solve a canon puzzle. She and Windchimed both pointed out to me that it IS canon that Rita's sister is the one who died jumping on the roof. (I still don't see how Tris found that out, but… it's just one of MANY Divergent puzzles that is never solved.)**

 **Divergent Chapter 9**

 _ **Eric checks his own watch. Taking his time, tilting his wrist, all while my stomach twists and I can't breathe. When I blink, I see Rita's sister on the pavement below the train tracks, limbs bent at strange angles; I see Rita screaming and sobbing; I see myself turning away.**_

 **Shori and I went back and forth for DAYS trying to decide exactly how that fit into the story and if that changed who had Rita. In the end, it didn't but, I appreciate her help in figuring it all out.**

 **And of course I need to thank Bahrfamily for continuing to be there for both this story so you don't have to experience all my mistakes, and in real life where sometimes she keeps me sane.**

 **Chapter 47 Baby Boom**

Miles nods to Carly's empty seat and smiles at me. "I guess this means that you're next."

Maybe here in the control room I'm next, but with my friends… I'm actually towards the end of the list. "Has she had the baby yet?" I ask as I start to log into my computer.

"Baby?" Miles laughs at me. "You missed her announcement?"

"What announcement?" I ask, puzzled.

"She found out about two months ago that she's having twins. One of the babies was hiding behind the other in the first ultra sound. She had gotten so big that the midwife ordered a second one, and this time the second baby showed up," Miles explains matter-of-factly.

I look at him in shock, wondering how I missed that.

Sue speaks up from her computer. "I think she was trying to keep that from Hana. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to scare Hana about an extra baby."

My hand rubs Uriah, and I laugh. "That wouldn't worry me. The midwives are concerned about my size, too. They are pretty sure I'm carrying one big boy. I think I would rather find out I'm having twins."

* * *

Ezekiel looks comically from me to Eli and back again. "Two babies?"

"Carly had two babies. Mommy is only having one," I assure him. I know he's only two and it has to be my imagination, but Ezekiel looks a little relieved when I say that.

Micah laughs. "You don't want two more?"

The baby I hold fusses a little and I shift her, trying to find a better position. "I'll take two more, but I would prefer to have them one at a time."

Carly looks content. "I'll take mine however I get them. Two at a time is just a double blessing."

"That they are." I smile back at her, remembering how she shared with me how long it took her and Micah to have a second child. I've been pregnant three times and we have been married three years. I can see where she would feel that way, but I'll take mine one at a time, thanks very much.

"Can I have Rita back?" Carly asks.

Eli looks at me, panicked. I look at the baby I hold, and then the baby Eli holds. "Which one is Rita?" I ask sheepishly.

"Kari's hair is curlier and Rita has more hair," Micah says confidently, then looks at Carly doubt on his face. "Right?"

Carly laughs at him. "Yes, Kari's hair is curlier and Rita has more of it."

I stand up awkwardly and hand her the baby. As soon as I sit back down, Ezekiel claims my lap.

"My mommy," he says firmly.

His words remind me of Amar's when Jazz held him. I duck my head down, kissing the top of his head, trying to hide the tears.

Eli must remember it, too. I feel his hand slowly rubbing my back. He explains my reaction to Carly and Micah in a rough voice. "Amar told Jazz that the first time she held Zeke."

When I finally am controlled enough to look up, I see the tears in Carly's eyes. "I miss her, too."

* * *

"We need to talk. This is a very big baby." Marion sits down to talk to Eli and me.

I was pretty sure about that already, since I'm rivaling Angie in size, and she's due a month before I am.

"What does this mean?" Eli speaks up.

Marion takes a deep breath. "It means I think we should rethink your plan to have a regular birth."

"No." I speak up without even thinking about it.

"Hana…" Marion starts, but I cut her off quickly.

"No, I know it's not right. I know that what I'm thinking doesn't make sense, but Ezekiel was a natural birth and Angel…" I can't finish my sentence, brushing the tears away from my eyes.

Eli pulls me into a hug. "Hana, she was already dead. The C-section had nothing to do with it."

"I know," I mumble into his chest.

"Hana, even if you had been able to have your little girl naturally, I would be saying this. I think this baby is too big for you to deliver naturally. We need to schedule a C-section." Her voice is firm, but understanding.

"I don't want to." I sound a lot like Ezekiel when I tell him it's time to go to bed.

"Do you really think it's necessary?" Eli asks over my head.

"I wouldn't be telling you this is what you should do if I didn't feel it was necessary. And Dr. Anthony feels this way, too," she says simply.

"I'll talk to her," Eli promises Marion as he strokes my hair.

* * *

After the appointment, we head to Natalie's old room. She said that she wanted to talk to both of us, and this seemed like the perfect time to do it, since Taylor is watching Ezekiel. Eli waits behind me until I turn the dial on the light, and together we walk into Natalie's old room. Natalie is sprawled across the chair as usual. She hurriedly stands up as the door opens and asks us without preamble, "How are you doing?"

"I'm bigger than I'm supposed to be, but other than that I'm fine," I say lightly, pretending she's asking about my appointment instead of how I'm doing emotionally right now.

Natalie turns her bright green eyes on me- eyes which, for once, aren't hidden under a different color, on me. "Hana, this is me. Everyone in this room knows what happened. How are you? How are both of you?"

I look at Eli, who motions for me to answer. "We're probably about the same as you. Feeling guilty for what happened on those trains, but slowly moving past it."

Natalie looks at me like she is trying to decide if I am telling the truth. She must decide I am, because she doesn't push me and moves on to why she wanted both of us here. She motions for us to sit down. "I found out a little more about what went wrong."

Eli motions for me to sit in the second chair. I can tell by looking that it is too soft for me right now. I laugh at him. "Grab me a kitchen chair. If I sit down in that, I'll never get back up!"

Eli looks at me and then at the chair, and when he realizes I am right, he grabs one of the kitchen chairs and sets it close to his.

"So, what happened?" Eli asks after he sits down.

"My contact in Erudite did some checking. Somehow the list of everyone who was on the train got leaked to them."

"How?" I can't keep myself from asking.

"Hana, that train ride was anything but a secret. Almost _everyone_ knew about the picnic Marley was organizing, and when Rais started the second group…" Eli answers my question. Then he addresses his own question to Natalie. "Do we know _who_ leaked it?"

Natalie looks at me and then at Eli. I wonder for a moment if she is going to tell Eli about Renee. "I don't know for sure. There are several people who might have done it."

"Who are they?" he asks, leaning forward, his eyes locking on Natalie's.

Natalie holds his gaze. "I'm not telling you."

I can feel the instant anger coming off of him. "What? Why not?"

"Because there is more than one and most likely it wasn't all of them. You are angry, and you are right to be angry, but you don't want to take it out on the wrong person."

"What about the right person?" he asks in a deceptively low voice. I can tell he's trying to control his rage.

"That's not for you to take care of," Natalie responds

"Who is going to take care of it?" Eli's fists are clenched. He is barely hanging on right now.

Natalie's eyes turn hard, harder than I have ever seen them. "Not you."

"They killed my best friend and his wife. They aren't going to get away with it." Despite his anger, Eli's voice breaks on the word friend and he struggles to finish what he wants to say.

Natalie's eyes soften. "I promise you they won't. But you getting yourself hurt over it, or them finding out that you are Divergent and coming after you, too, isn't the solution."

I reach out and rub Eli's hand. "You tell me that I need to be careful because of the baby. You need to be careful for all of us, too."

Eli swallows hard, like he is trying to swallow the rage inside of him, takes a couple of deep calming breaths, and gently puts his hand over Uriah. "If you need my help…"

"I'll let you know," Natalie promises and then tacks on, "if you promise not to do anything without talking to me."

Eli is quiet for a moment. I know he is trying to decide if he can keep that promise. "I can't promise that." He runs his hands over his face. "I can't promise you that if I find out something concrete, that in that moment I won't do something."

Natalie looks at him, her lips pressed into a thin line as she evaluates him. "I'll make you a deal. I'll keep you informed of what I learn, if you will keep me informed about what you learn, and if you promise you won't do anything without passing it on to me. I won't have you putting yourself at risk."

"Why not? Because I'm one of your precious Divergent?" Eli sounds disgusted.

"No!" Natalie looks shocked at his question. "Because I have only one true friend here. One person, other than my husband, who knows all my secrets and where I came from. I am _not_ going to jeopardize her husband any more than I would jeopardize her."

Eli is stunned into silence by her answer.

"Eli, Hana is the only one I can truly be myself around. You've visited her family in Abnegation. Have you ever seen any of them sit in a chair the way I do? Andrew won't let me do it at home. He's afraid I'll slip, and someone will figure out my secret. Here, with Hana, is the _only_ place I can be myself. I wouldn't want any harm to come to her. Did you think I would?" Natalie explains herself more fully.

Eli swallows hard. "I guess since everything has been done to try to save the Divergent, and since I can't get out my family that isn't Divergent, I guess thought you saw her and them as expendable."

Natalie's face is hard. "That maybe the way my boss outside of the fence feels, but it isn't the way I feel. I thought I had made that clear."

Eli takes a deep breath and looks just a little embarrassed at himself. "You have, but maybe I just needed to hear that I matter not because I'm Divergent, but because I'm married to Hana."

"You matter because you are you, and everyone matters." Natalie smiles at him and shakes her head. "You may matter _more_ because you're married to Hana."

Eli looks at her for a moment, evaluating her, like he's trying to decide if she really feels that way. "Fair enough," he finally responds slowly. "We have a deal."

"Good." Natalie turns to me. "How is Amar?"

I bite my lip before answering. "He's developing memories. I try to spend extra time with him. I tell him the things I know about each of his parents and Eli does the same, although we have to be careful with Eli's stories since many of them are about his childhood with Rais, and we don't want Amar thinking he was there for those."

Natalie is quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry about what happened to him. I never meant... If I would have known, I would have found some way to…"

"I know. I would have taken him with me when I ran if I'd had any idea this was going to happen." I tell her my deepest regret. I wish that instead of handing him over to Lois, I had taken him with me.

"I would have let you, if I'd had any idea." There is a pause. "Have you been to see Lois since the accident?"

"I'm afraid to," I admit, thinking about what I heard her tell Amar.

"Go see her," Natalie urges. "Both of you, if you need to talk. She… her memories survived better than Amar's. If you need someone besides me or each other to talk to about the accident, you can go see her. You've been to see her before. No one will question it."

"We'll keep that in mind," Eli answers for us.

There is a moment of awkward silence. I finally break it by asking, "Why did you have a disguise ready for me?"

Natalie breathes in deeply. "At the last minute, I got worried that my boss on the other side would see this as a chance to wipe your memory and get you uninvolved. I figured just in case that happened and I had to send you away, I needed to makes sure that no one in Dauntless saw you, so it wouldn't ruin your alibi."

"And why couldn't I have just stayed in the Crevice room?"

"They aren't supposed to interfere. They aren't supposed to interact with anyone. If you had stayed in the Crevice room, and they had found you, they wouldn't have seen that as interfering, but for you to be inside the Dauntless compound…. There is a line there that they wouldn't have crossed."

After Natalie finishes answering my question, the silence spreads.

"How's Ezekiel?" Natalie tentatively breaks it.

I smile. "He's good. Growing like a weed and getting ready to be a big brother. How's Caleb?"

"The same." She grins. "He's growing like a weed, and although _he_ doesn't know it yet, I just found out he's going to be a big brother."

"That's great! When are you due?"

"The end of July. They'll be just over a year apart, which means they'll choose different years. I'm thankful for that."

* * *

I smile, noticing that Carly seems to have commandeered Lauren to help her today. Carly has one of the twins settled into her carrier, but Lauren is carrying the other one. Gus walks near them, keeping an eye on Lauren like he's not completely sure she should be trusted with his baby sister.

They weave their way through the cafeteria to our table. Carley pauses at our table. "I see you got some help today," Nick teases her.

Carly laughs. "Not permanent help. We just got back from taking Lauren to go meet her new brother."

We all perk up. "Kelly had her baby?" Angie asks.

"She sure did. Can you tell everyone your brother's name?" Carly nudges Lauren.

There is a pause while Lauren adjusts her hold on…Rita, I think. "His name is Gabe."

* * *

"How is everything going?" I ask Kelly when I go to visit her a week after Gabe's birth. I haven't had a chance to see her since the night we all piled into her room to see Gabe.

She looks at the door where Levi just left to meet Lauren as she arrives home from school on the train. "She still sees me as replacing her mother, and she doesn't like that. If I ask her to do anything and Levi's not around, if it isn't directly for Gabe, she won't do it." She looks lovingly at her son who is in my arms. "But she adores Gabe. She'll do anything that I need her to do for him. If she's nearby when he starts crying, she hurries to him. She mothers him and loves him. I hope that Gabe will eventually bring Lauren and me closer, but if he doesn't, I'm okay with it, as long as she keeps loving him."

* * *

"What have you decided?" Marion asks at the end of my next appointment. Because I am seen as a high risk pregnancy, between my previous C-section and Uriah's size, Marion, as the senior midwife, is now my primary midwife. She evidently convinced the powers that be in Erudite that I needed to have one person keeping an eye on me.

I look pleadingly at Eli. He knows what I want, and is dead set against it. He answers firmly. "We'll schedule the C-section."

Marion looks relieved as she places a gentle hand on my arm. "Hana, I understand your desire. I really do. And if I wasn't so worried about what might happen, I wouldn't be so adamant that this is the right thing to do. But I _am_ worried. I don't want anything to happen to you or the baby."

I had opened my mouth to say something about the fact she had told me I could have a natural birth before I agreed to the C-section, but when she added in the baby, I close it. If something could happen to Uriah by me having a natural birth, then I'll do this. No matter how much I don't want to.

* * *

It doesn't take long for the news to pass around our group that Angie's and Rob's little boy, James Tucker, has made his appearance. Without anyone saying anything about it, we know where we're going to end up. It seems like taking over the infirmary is becoming a full time occupation for our group. But we are nearing the end of it. Now that James is here, it just leaves Bekah and me yet to have our babies. Uriah is due about a month from now and Bekah's girl comes about a month after that.

As I expected, Angie's room is full of our friends and our growing families. We try not to stay very long, but everyone wants a chance to check out the latest addition to our group.

When it's my turn to hold him, Ezekiel is distracted playing with Shauna and Ashley in a corner of the room. It's another thing I'm going to miss by having Uriah at Erudite. Ezekiel will be able to come and visit, and he'd only be able to visit here too, but there is more that will go into getting him to Erudite than to the infirmary so I probably won't see him as much. James cries and even though he's not my baby, I know that cry. I stand awkwardly with Eli's help and take him back to his mother.

"It looks like you are next," Angie tells me with a weary but happy smile as I hand James back to her so he can eat. "And all of this chaos can be in _your_ room."

I look at our friends gathered together to celebrate with them. This, too, is something that I am going to miss out on since Eli won't budge on the C-section. I try to keep the tremor and the tears out of my voice. "Actually, it won't. Either he's too big, or I'm too small. They won't let me deliver here in Dauntless. I'm scheduled to a have C-section at the Erudite hospital the week before my due date."

Angie squeezes my hand as I take my hand away. "We'll just have to have a welcome home party for you when you get back, then."

* * *

The first contraction catches me completely off guard. It happens when I put Ezekiel down for his nap. I shrug it off as a Braxton-Hicks, certain that since I was late with Ezekiel, there is no way I'm going to be early with this one. The second one comes about half an hour later while I am packing my bag for my scheduled C-section tomorrow. I put off packing until the last minute, since I don't really want to go. I've just finished packing for both myself and Eli before the third one hits. I go to the family room and sit down on the recliner, debating if I should tell Eli or not. If I wait until they are closer together, maybe I'll get my way and I can have the baby here in Dauntless. I can be closer to Ezekiel that way and not have the longer recovery time from a C-section.

Eli walks in and, knowing that if I don't tell him, things will be even worse on the next baby, I call out to him before I can change my mind. "Eli, grab our bag from the bedroom. We need to go now. You'll need to wake Ezekiel up from his nap. We can drop him off with Leeann or Chaz on our way to the infirmary."

Eli's brow wrinkles with confusion as he stands by the half open door. "I thought we weren't going until after dinner."

"Change in plans. I'm having contractions," I say as I heave myself up from the chair.

* * *

Knowing that I wasn't going to be able to take the train and would have to take an ambulance, I was already nervous about the trip back to Erudite for my C-section. Memories of my other trip to Erudite in one crowd me. Eli crouches next to me like he did the last time, holding my hand and kissing it occasionally. His softly-voiced reassurance that Uriah is going to be fine tells me that he's remembering our other trip by ambulance, too, the one that didn't have a happy ending.

The contractions begin to come faster and harder. In the back of my mind, I keep hoping this will keep up, that I will be able to have Uriah naturally, like I did with Ezekiel. Going home sooner, a shorter recovery time and being able to pick Ezekiel up earlier make this option my fervent wish.

Suddenly I scream with pain, wishing we were already in Erudite.

Eli's eyes are concerned as he looks at me. "What's wrong?" he asks as I grip his hands hard.

"That didn't feel right." I shake my head, tears building in my eyes from fear and pain. "That didn't feel right at all. That wasn't a contraction. That wasn't a normal contraction," I babble.

The Erudite in the ambulance looks concerned and checks the tape coming from the machine that monitors the baby. Suddenly he pounds on the glass separating us from the driver. "Lights!"

There is a wail from the sirens, and we pick up speed. I look at Eli first. I can tell from the tightness in his jaw that he's as concerned by the changes as I am. "What's going on?" he asks for me.

The young man tries to play it casual, but he's concerned. "The baby's heartbeat took a drop. It will probably come back up, but just to be safe, we're going to try to get you there a little quicker."

The fear I imagine in my eyes is mirrored in Eli's. We've made it this far. We can't lose him now. Eli leans in and kisses my cheek, whispering his reassurances in my ears to keep me calm. "He's going to be fine, Hana. You'll be holding Uriah before breakfast."

The next contraction isn't as bad, but it still makes me cry out in pain. This isn't right. There is something very wrong going on here.

 **With everything I've put you through lately I want to remind you of** **this. This story is canon.**

 **Also by the end of the next chapter all of the named Dauntless kids from Uriah's class will have been born. What events from their childhood would you want to see? I'm not promising that everything you suggest will make it into the story, but I'm thinking that some short glimpses of them will help show time passing.**

 **For example in a couple of chapters there will be a scene where we see Ezekiel getting in trouble for not doing what he is told. There is another scene much later on where you will get to see Uriah and Ezekiel getting ready for bed.**


	48. Chapter 48 - Uriah and Marlene

**Happy New Year! Thank you for your patience while waiting for this chapter.**

 **And thank you for the reviews. It caught my eye as I was changing characters found in this story (now that Uriah is here I wanted to give him billing!) that there have been over 600 reviews for this story! So to everyone who has reviewed, thank you! I know it's been slow going lately, but I've had a change in work schedule starting this week, and I'm hoping that will help. No promises, but I'm still commited to finishing this story. (I have two New Year's resolutions: 1- lose the extra weight I've picked up lately, and 2 - finish The Blackest Shade of Gray!)**

 **Thank you as always to Bahrfamily for checking over this chapter and... yes, it's that time again, there is a "Read and Review" POV for this chapter!**

 **Also, if you haven't been following my short story George Wu, check out the latest Chapter, Chapter 3. It corresponds with the "Read and Review" POV of George when he escaped from Dauntless. Even if you read the original, you might want to read this version, too, since it includes the longer original version that had much editing to cut it down to the 8,000 characters for a PM.**

 **Chapter 48 Uriah and Marlene**

When we get to Erudite, things move quickly. They take me into a room similar to the one that I was in with Angel. The nurse who comes in looks familiar. I can't see her name tag, but I think she was the one who was there that time, too. When she doesn't try to move Eli away from me but directs him to stay close to my head and out of their way, I'm pretty sure I'm right. It doesn't take long for them to wheel in an ultrasound machine. The screen is facing away from Eli and me. The tech who uses it doesn't say anything to us and doesn't offer to let us look at the screen. That concerns me, since Bekah told me that with a normal ultrasound, they face the screen towards themselves at the beginning in case they find something bad. The fact that this isn't normal and they aren't letting us see scares me. Shouldn't they be reassuring us that everything is okay by letting us see?

Without a word of reassurance, she puts down the wand and hurries from the room. The nurse is back almost immediately with a male nurse. He's almost as tall as Eli, but doesn't have nearly as much muscle. As she comes back, another contraction and a scream rips through me. I'm actually glad to hear the nurse announce, "She's going into surgery now."

My relief is short-lived, because the male nurse tells Eli to come with him. "No!" I scream in response to that.

Eli looks menacingly at the male nurse who comes towards him. The male nurse's voice has a ring of authority to it. "You need to get scrubbed up to go with her. If you go in without scrubbing up and putting on a gown, you could put her and the baby at risk for infection."

Eli looks torn between staying with me and following the directions that will keep me safer. In the end, keeping Uriah and me safe wins out. He wordlessly nods his agreement to the nurse and leans over me. "I'll be with you before you even miss me," he promises with a kiss.

Everyone and everything moves quickly as they get me ready for surgery. When they took me in for surgery with Angel, everyone walked. Everyone took their time. Now they practically run down the hall as they push me. One nurse jogs beside me, tucking my hair into the same type of paper-like hair net they used the last time. "She's got her IV line, right?" she checks.

"Ambulance did it," is the response from my nurse. I check her name tag: Allison. She IS the same nurse as last time.

"Heart rate?" The other nurse asks.

Allison takes a second to check the tape coming from the monitor they are moving with me. "Dropping again."

My heart is pounding. My heart is beating faster than I've ever felt it beat before. _My_ heart rate isn't dropping. My heart misses a beat, afraid of what this means.

We arrive at the operating room and the anesthesiologist starts getting ready.

"Eli!" I call out for him, desperate to have my husband there with me, for him to reassure me that Uriah is going to be okay.

Dr. Anthony shows up then. He motions to the anesthesiologist to keep working and answers me himself. "I just saw Eli. They are trying to find scrubs big enough to fit him. He told us to keep going. He should be here before you are under."

"I'm not staying awake?" I start to panic. "Marion told me I could stay awake. She said that I could see him and hear him, that I could hold him right away like I did with Ezekiel." Tears flood my eyes. She promised me that. Where is Eli? He needs to make Dr. Anthony understand. Being awake is part of the deal for me agreeing to this.

Dr. Anthony looks at me sadly. "I'm sorry, there's no time for that." He motions and a mask goes over my mouth. I try to fight it. I want to know what is going on. "Relax. Your baby will be fine, if you just relax."

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself for Uriah. I take another one. Eli lied. He isn't back and I miss him. I take another deep breath. I need him. I take another deep breath. Where is Eli? Another deep breath…

And there is nothing.

* * *

I am cold- very, very cold. I feel myself shiver and a blanket is tucked around me except for my left arm. I'm still cold, but gradually I feel the tremors stop. Another blanket is tucked around me. My left arm is still exposed. Why doesn't someone cover it?

* * *

The lights are dim. Everything is quiet. I hear hushed voices talking at the end of a tunnel. "Has she woken up yet?"

"No, not yet."

"How did you get her husband out of here?"

The voices start to get even softer, like they are moving away from me. "The baby. I told him she was going to want to hear from him that the baby was okay, so he went to check on him."

"Is the baby okay?"

I can't hear any more.

* * *

"Hana? Hana? Come on, Sweetheart. Open your eyes. Uriah wants to meet his mommy." Eli's voice sounds distant. Why won't they let him closer?

* * *

I open my eyes to the dim light. Eli is in a chair drawn up as close as possible to my bed. He is holding my hand and staring vacantly out the window. He looks more worried than I have ever seen him. I try to move my free hand, the left one he doesn't hold, but I find that it is tethered to an IV pole. I hurt. My stomach hurts. Uriah! Where is Uriah?

A vague memory reminds me that someone's husband was sent to go check on a baby. Was it my husband? My baby? "Eli?" My voice is horse and weak. He doesn't move. "Eli?" I try again, and this time I move the hand he holds as I say it.

Eli's eyes spring to mine. "Hana!" He stands, kisses my forehead, and turns towards the curtained exit. Where does he think he's going? But he doesn't go anywhere or even let go of my hand. He just yells, "She's awake!" He watches impatiently, but no one shows up. "I'll be right back. I have to get a nurse." He leans in and kisses my cheek.

I pull on his hand, trying to keep him with me. "Uriah," I croak.

The Pedrad smile lights up Eli's face. "Uriah is fine."

"See him?" I can't get out more than that.

"I'll go check on that."

He's found the one thing in the world that would get me to let him go. I start to close my eyes, but suddenly I'm afraid to. Bursts of memories make me wonder how long I've been out.

* * *

Marion wasn't wrong. Uriah is huge. He, not Ezekiel, is the son that has Eli's build. I want to hold him, to just look at him, to glory in the fact that he is here and alive. But Uriah is hungry and I'm tired. I don't know how I can still be so tired. Eli helps me to get him into position to feed Uriah and places pillows beneath him to support him.

"What happened?" I ask weakly. The ice chips I've been sucking on have made it easier to speak, but I'm still groggy.

"You're fine. Uriah's fine. That's all that matters to me. We can talk about what happened another time." Eli avoids giving me an answer. Why is he avoiding answering that?

I try another tactic. "How long was I out for?"

"Later." Eli doesn't even take his eyes off the sight of Uriah nursing to look at me.

I've got a bad feeling I've missed more than I realize, a lot more than I realize. "Eli, was I out for an entire day?"

Eli avoids answering by leaning down and brushing a kiss first on Uriah's forehead and then on mine. "You're both fine. That's all that matters to me," he whispers.

"It matters to me." I look him in the eye and use the strongest voice I can muster.

He holds my gaze, then looks at Uriah before looking back at me and answering. His finger glides up and down the side of my face. "They didn't realize exactly how small you are. They gave you too much anesthesia. You weren't out for an entire day, but it is tomorrow. Uriah was born yesterday."

I stare at Eli. Yesterday? Uriah was born yesterday? "What time?"

But before Eli can answer, Dr. Anthony comes in. His voice is cool. "I hear someone is awake."

"Finally," is Eli's response.

"I need to check her incision." He directs his words to Eli, not to me, as he walks over to my bed.

I decide to take matters into my own hands and ask my questions of Dr. Anthony since Eli refuses to answer me. "What happened?"

Eli glares at me, unhappy that I am checking with the doctor instead of waiting for him to decide when and what to tell me.

Dr. Anthony stops just short of moving my covers. "What have you told her?" he checks with Eli.

"Almost nothing. She just woke up," he defends his answer.

Dr. Anthony makes a soft noise. He starts off by stating what I can already see. "He's a big baby, even bigger than we thought he was. Your uterus was weaker where you had the C-section before. We knew it was, but it was evidently weaker than we realized. It ruptured where that scar was. Uriah started to come out through the tear, and in doing that, he made the tear bigger."

"That's why it hurt so much," I say softly.

"Exactly. When we went in there, we were able to deliver him without too many problems, but…" There is a slight hesitation and in that moment I realize that it is the beginning of bad news.

"But what?" I glance at Eli. The look on his face tells me he knows what the rest of it is, and he doesn't think the doctor should be telling me right now. I give my full attention to Dr. Anthony.

"You were bleeding, a lot, and if you ever got pregnant again it wouldn't have been good." I hear him use the past tense and know what he's about to tell me.

"I can't have any more children." My voice is dull as I tell him what I have figured out.

"I'm sorry." He sounds sincere. "You have two healthy boys and that will be all."

Tears fill my eyes as I kiss Uriah's head, thankful that he is here and safe. Something tells me that wasn't a guarantee. It quickly dawns on me what this means, and the tears fall from my eyes. Eli is never going to have his daughter…

* * *

"Mom and Dad are here," Eli announces to me from the doorway after he goes out to see why the nurse wanted him. I should be more excited about them meeting Uriah than I am. It is all I can do to try to muster a smile. "They brought Zeke with them," he finishes with a grin as he carries him through the door into the room.

Now I smile. My little boy is here. I adjust Uriah, trying to make sure he is ready to meet his big brother.

And suddenly we're all here. Together. A complete family for the first time. Eli holds Ezekiel so he can look down at his brother. Ezekiel looks down at Uriah, then at me, and finally at Eli. "Uriah?" he checks.

"That's right, Zeke, this is Uriah," Eli tells him.

"My mommy. My daddy," Ezekiel announces, pointing to each of us. "My Uriah."

* * *

There is no welcome home party like Angie suggested we should have. I am too weak, too tired to have everyone around at once. Instead, there is a welcome home parade. Taylor came to the hospital to help us leave, so she is part of the procession from the beginning. When the Erudite driver who brought us home drops us off, Taylor carries Uriah, and Eli all but carries me. I would protest, but I don't have the energy to walk the entire way home, and I know it. The only redeeming factor is we get back at dinner time, so most of Dauntless is either in their apartments or in the cafeteria and they miss our small parade back home. When we get into the elevator, Eli gives up all pretense of letting me walk and scoops me up into his arms.

Once we get home, Eli sets me on the recliner and moves the bassinet next to it. Ezekiel pops up from where he is playing on the floor with his grandpa and runs over to Taylor. "Uriah?"

Abram gets up slowly from his spot on the floor. He takes a moment to steady himself before walking over to his wife. "Hand him over. It's my turn." Taylor smiles and hands the sleeping Uriah to Abram. Abram stifles a cough, then puts Uriah in the bassinet. "It's not contagious," he promises me. Ezekiel checks out the bassinet; on his tip-toes, he can almost see inside. He moves around, trying to see inside. He finally decides that my chair is the only way he is going to be able to see inside. He tries to climb onto the chair with me.

Eli, predictably, freaks out and grabs him before he gets too far. Ezekiel struggles against his dad, trying to get to me. "Mommy! Uriah!"

"No." Eli is forceful. "Mommy hurts."

Ezekiel stops suddenly. "Mommy hurt?"

"Yes," Eli is gentler now that Ezekiel isn't thrashing to get close to me.

"Where?" Ezekiel looks worried.

"Her tummy."

"Kiss."

Eli, Abram, Taylor and I try not to laugh at the little boy who wants to kiss his mommy's tummy to make it feel better. Eli lets him bend down, and as soon as he kisses my tummy, he holds out his arms for me to take him. Eli glares at me as I do. I snuggle him in next to me, but he doesn't want to snuggle. He wants to see Uriah. He turns around and tries to position himself so he can see inside the bassinet.

Uriah whimpers and starts crying.

"Uriah!" Ezekiel sounds panicked, and he scrambles to try to get to him, nearly kicking me in my incision.

Eli is still right next to me, and he grabs Ezekiel. "That isn't going to work," he mutters, setting his older son down and picking up the younger one. He hands me Uriah and grabs a chair and puts it next to the bassinet. When Uriah is calmed down, Eli puts him back in the bassinet for me. Ezekiel sees his opening and quickly climbs the chair so he can see inside.

Now the parade starts in earnest. There is a quick knock on the door before it opens up on its own and Leeann comes storming in with Chaz and Nick at her heels. "Where's my nephew?"

I laugh carefully as this backfires stupendously on her. Instead of getting to be the first one to Uriah, she ends up with Ezekiel as he scrambles off his chair and charges toward her. "Aunt Leeann! Aunt Leeann!" He launches himself at her for a hug, keeping her from getting to Uriah first.

Nick grins at her detour and hurries over to Eli. "Hand him over."

* * *

The three of them stay until Taylor tells them it is time for them to leave. As nearly as I can tell, they've been here for about half an hour, and five minutes after they leave, our friends start coming, one couple at a time, leaving their kids with someone else. I have to think this was planned out ahead of time.

Ezekiel is very disappointed when Ashley and Shauna don't come with their parents. He asks each of their parents repeatedly where his playmates are. He never asks about the babies who will end up being Uriah's playmate.

It is good to see everyone, but I have to admit I am glad to see the last one leave. Uriah is starting to get fussy like he needs to eat, and I am tired.

I am happy to be home, but I am very tired.

* * *

Eli insists on carrying Uriah to our two-week checkup. I may get to hold him and pick him up at home, but anytime we are out, Eli is the one who carries him. Even though Doctor Anthony said I could carry him when we left the hospital, my over-protective husband is worried that Uriah is too big and that I shouldn't hold him for long.

Doctor Anthony has come all the way out here to see me. With all the complications I've had, he wants to see me in person and there is no way that I am going to be allowed to jump on a train. There's no way I would want to _try_ to jump on a train, either.

"Where is Bekah?" I ask Danika as she checks me in.

"She came in this morning and Doctor Anthony put her on bed rest for the rest of the week, possibly the rest of her pregnancy. She wasn't very happy about it," Danika admits with a smile.

"I bet not," I answer with a smile of my own. "I'll have to try to visit her."

Eli gives me a look that makes me think it's not very likely. Danika must catch the look, too, because as she walks us to the exam room to see Doctor Anthony she mentions, "Even if you don't make it, she won't be on bed rest for long. Her due date is in two weeks. She could have that baby any day now."

* * *

Danika's prediction turns out to be a good one. Bekah's labor starts the next day, but it is a very long one. She is in labor for over 24 hours. We all pile in her room after dinner. Danika shakes her head at us as we arrive en masse. "Don't you guys ever think about spacing your visits out so there is more room?"

We all laugh at her but don't stop our progression to Bekah's room. It is a huge jumble of people standing and sitting everywhere there is room. We manage to get Lauren and Amar to help corral Ezekiel, Shauna, and Ashley in one corner so they aren't stepped on while they play. It's almost comical, the jostling and passing of babies so everyone has a chance to hold Marlene and all the new babies born this year still get held.

Amar tags along with us since Sultana and Kamil have friends their age over tonight and there are no kids for Amar to play with. I've had the thought before, but it occurs to me again as I watch him that, according to Natalie, since Jazz and Rais were both Divergent, he most likely is, too. Will I have to get him out one day?

Gabe gives a little cry as he is transferred from his uncle Micah to Abilyn's arms. Lauren is there instantly, cooing to him and telling him he's okay. She may have problems with Kelly, but she loves her baby brother. My heart begins to pound in realization of what I don't know. When did her mom die? _How_ did her mom die? Was she Divergent? Is Lauren? Natalie removed Kelly's sister, Trina, from our city because she is Divergent. Andrew said that being Divergent runs in families. What about Gabe?

Suddenly the room is full of horrifying possibilities. Carly is here with her little brood. Carly didn't end up being tested, but Natalie thinks she might be Divergent. Will have I to get her out one day? Gus? Kari? Rita?

Angie and Rob are both Dauntless-born, but what about their parents? Are Ashley and James safe?

Abilyn came from Candor. Does Ben's family have any Candor in them? Will I be forced to lie to Ben about one of his daughters, like I have to about Allie, the girl he dated before Abilyn? He thinks she is dead, but she was Divergent and now lives on the other side of the fence.

And now there is Bekah's little Marlene, the baby of the group. Bekah came from Erudite. Conner is Dauntless-born, if I remember correctly. But Andrew has a theory that families that move back and forth between two factions are more likely to produce Divergent offspring. Do either of them have other family members that have gone between Erudite and Dauntless? If so, how many generations have passed back and forth between the factions?

My eyes scan restlessly between my boys, from Eli, the Divergent, to his sons. Will I be forced one day to pull one or both of my boys out of our Faction? At least if it is one of my boys, I will know that he isn't really dead. I will know the truth of what happens to him. Eli holds Uriah close while he sleeps. Ezekiel and Amar are playing without the girls, and for the first time I second-guess Eli. Natalie probably can still get us out. Maybe we _should_ leave.

 **If you are registered on Fanfiction, leave a review for this chapter and I will PM you back with a POV that matches up with this chapter. You'll get to learn just a little bit more about Hana's mother in it.**

 **If you are a guest... you can either create your own free account and leave a review to get it, or just leave a review. They motivate me to write, and I could use the motivation these days.**


	49. Chapter 49 - Contingency Plans

**Savanah Rose is out of town this weekend, but she gave me permission to post this for you as soon as I finished editing it. What she has been kind enough to not say lately is that a great lot of the delay in publishing has been because of my slowness in getting edits done between medical tests going on, the holidays, and new kittens in the house. Somehow, the new kittens just seem to suck all my free time up. Or maybe it's because they already like to walk across my keyboard...**

 **Anyway, I didn't want to make you wait any longer on this chapter. Savanah tells me she has chapter 50 written and is hoping to work on 51 this weekend, so hopefully we can get bac** **k to a more normal publish schedule. Here you go, and don't forget to let her know what you think!**

 **-Bahrfamily**

 **Chapter 49** **Contingency Plans**

Nick, Leeann, Chaz, and Tori – when she sits with us – have become very popular at meal times. With the rest of us either having an infant to juggle during meals, or an infant to juggle plus a toddler to try to corral, their empty arms and untapped patience come in handy. Ezekiel likes to sit between his dad and Uncle Nick, copying the two of them as they eat. It's fun to watch him when Nick and Eli are feeling mischievous and do very different things just to see who Ezekiel will chose to mimic. Eli cutting his meat while Nick takes a drink is enough to put a crease down the center of Ezekiel's forehead as he tries to pick up his knife and his cup at the same time.

Chaz usually offers to hold one of the babies at the beginning of the meal, letting the parents eat a hot meal while his own gets cold. There is a longing in his eyes, but as far as I know, he and Leeann have never discussed having a child again since the time he shut her down about having one so she could avoid the fear simulations. I know he was right to say that, but looking at his face while he holds one of the babies, I begin to realize exactly what it cost him to say that.

Leeann eats before she offers to help, but she does eat faster than she used to. In different circumstances, I think Chaz and Leeann would be right there with us on having a family.

Nick usually takes the older kids. Ezekiel sits next to him, and either Ashley or Shauna ends up on his lap by the end of the meal. Sometimes they each take a leg, but they have a tendency to fight when they are that close together, so usually he just has one of them.

When Tori is here, she seems to help out more with Abilyn's girls, but more often than not she sits with other people – sometimes with Danika and Lance, sometimes with Bud and some of the other older, single members of Dauntless. So we don't have her help more than a couple of times a week.

Our table is full of life. Laughter and teasing ring through the air. Babies are passed eagerly from one set of hands to another. Sometimes I think these kids are going to grow up unsure of exactly who their parents are, and I'm not sure that is entirely bad.

Family units are important in Abnegation. The Abnegation cafeteria is only used by the singles; once married, couples eat at home, taking turns to fix the meal and helping each other to cook and clean. There are dinner parties every month or so, where they get together and share a meal, but even these are on a much quieter scale than the way we eat daily. In Abnegation, they only go outside of their family units to help or serve other people.

Here, we eat together, we play together, we live together. Community – friendship – is important in Dauntless.

I smile as Marlene is handed to Eli, but my smile fades as I watch them together. Marlene, Lynn, Shauna, Ashley – they are as close as Eli will ever come to having a daughter. A moment of longing crosses Eli's face, and it tugs at my heart. The one thing he wants is something that I will never be able to give him: a daughter. Tears sting at my eyes. I look down at Uriah, our last baby, the baby I currently hold. I am thankful that he's alive. I finally got Eli to tell me how close we came to losing him. Of course, no one can tell us in minutes how much longer he could have survived without the surgery, but Doctor Anthony admitted that if we hadn't already been on our way to Erudite when everything went wrong, he might not have made it.

* * *

I am restless tonight, heavy-hearted, weary but unable to sleep. I feel the slow pull on my mind, on my heart. My old enemy – depression – is trying to edge in again. I think about the last year and I'm surprised that I haven't battled with it before this. Jazz and Rais dying. Feeling responsible for not just their deaths, but all the deaths due to the train wreck. Finding out we can't have more children. My slower-than-I-would-like physical recovery from Uriah's birth.

I decide as dawn begins to break that it's time to see Lois again.

* * *

As soon as I make the appointment, I start to feel guilty that I didn't do it sooner. Natalie mentioned the idea to me of going to see Lois months ago, before Uriah was even born. She said that Lois still has most of her memories from the train wreck, and suddenly I wonder, did she tell me that so that Lois would have someone to talk to?

When the receptionist from Amity contacts me the day after I make my appointment, my feeling of guilt grows. Lois had a sudden change in her schedule and she can see me later today. I wonder if she really did, or if she just needs to see me so she has someone to talk to.

I'm still off from Uriah's birth, and Doctor Anthony has – grudgingly – cleared me to jump on trains, so that's not the problem. The problem is that the new time is at a time when there is no one to watch the boys. Leeann, Chaz, Nick, Eli, even Taylor and Abram are all at work, and I don't feel right asking one of our friends who is still on leave with her own baby to watch my children as well. I'm about to say I can't make it, when I think of Sultana. She still hasn't gone back to work since the train accident, since they feel she still needs to be available for Amar. I hate to ask her, but the other day, when we had Amar spend the night so she and Kamil could have a night alone, she told me if we ever needed her to watch the boys, she would love to do it, since they are her "almost" grandsons.

I shrug into Uriah's carrier, and tell Ezekiel we're going to Sultana's. He jumps up. "Amar!"

"No," I can't help but smile at him, "Amar is at school. He won't be there. I need to ask Sultana something."

Ezekiel sits back down with his toys and looks like he's not planning on moving.

"Ezekiel Pedrad! We're leaving now," I tell him firmly.

He continues playing and pretends not to hear me. I watch him as I slowly count out loud to ten, giving him a chance to do what he is told. He doesn't take it. In fact, he starts talking to himself. He seems to think that if he's talking, I will think he can't hear me and he won't have to obey. At ten, I carefully squat down and pick up the toy. "We're leaving, now, Ezekiel, and since you didn't listen to me, your train goes in time out." I stand up and put the train on top of the refrigerator where he can see but not reach it.

"Mine!" Ezekiel announces unnecessarily.

"Yes, it is yours, and when you can listen to Mommy, you may have it back."

"I listen," Ezekiel suddenly insists and quickly stands up and walks to the door to prove it.

"Good." I tuck Uriah into his carrier for the short trip to Sultana's and grab his bag. "Maybe next time you will remember to do it the first time I tell you to so you can take your train with you.

His bottom lip starts to pout and I can see him considering the idea of throwing a fit.

"Let's go," I say quickly and grab his hand in an attempt to distract him before a scene starts.

* * *

"I'd be happy to watch the boys for a few hours." Sultana holds Uriah while Ezekiel happily plays with a couple of toys that Amar left out.

"I'm going to go by Tech Support before I leave. I'll let Eli know that they are here. He might be able to get them picked up before I can," I promise her.

"Don't worry about it." She pauses like she's trying to decide if she can ask me the next question or not. "Why are you going to Amity?"

"I need to go see my grief counselor there," I admit slowly.

A thoughtful look crosses Sultana's face. "Did you see the same one that Jazz did?"

"Yes." My simple answer brings Sultana to her feet, cradling Uriah carefully as she stands.

At first I think Uriah is getting fussy and she's walking him, but she's not even to the kitchen when I realize he's asleep and she is pacing. She has a thoughtful, distracted, look on her face, but she's careful not to get too close to Ezekiel. After two or three turns across the room she sits back down next to me. Her voice is low and urgent as she rambles. "I know I shouldn't be telling you all of this, but you're a transfer, too, and I'm sure you'll understand. It's just… this is such a weird situation… all of it… and the fact that you see the same person… I mean, this is an exception, right? I know things I shouldn't know and if I tell you this, you'll know things you shouldn't know, but I just… if positions were reversed, I would want her to do this for me, so even though I shouldn't, and you shouldn't… I'm going to ask you to."

I look at her, trying to look puzzled by her random sentences instead of shocked, as I realize what she is getting ready to ask me. I am thankful in this moment that I overheard Lois talking to Amar so this isn't the actual shock to me that she thinks her announcement will be.

Even though we are alone in the room with a two year old and an infant, Sultana leans in close and speaks softly. "Did you know Jazz was a transfer?"

"Yes," I answer softly, too, unsure if Ezekiel would have the vocabulary to follow this conversation. "When I went and saw her after Amar was born, she told me that she came from Amity."

Sultana takes a deep breath. "Did you two ever talk about your counselor?"

"No, we didn't." I think about how much it surprised me when I heard Lois telling Amar her story after the train accident.

"I'm going to ask you to tell her counselor about… the accident and Jazz, but…" Sultana's eyes fill with sudden tears, "be very gentle when you do it. Lois was Jazz's mother. I'll still go to Amity on Visiting Day to officially tell her, but… if it had been reversed, if it had been Rais that had gone to Amity instead of Jazz coming here, and she had the opportunity to let me know, I would have wanted her to find a way to tell me sooner."

* * *

Lois looks older, tired, care-worn. She smiles at me when I walk in, and I wonder, in that first moment, how I never noticed it before. Jazz had her mother's smile, and they share the same shape of eyes with Amar. "You didn't bring the baby." Lois looks disappointed when she realizes it.

"Eli won't let me jump on and off the train with him. He was pretty big and…" I stop, unsure if I want to finish the sentence, but this is Lois, and although I am here to talk about Jazz, and the train accident, and Angel, I'm here to talk to her about this, too. "And I had a hysterectomy." I stop talking when I feel the tears building up. I came here to talk – I need to talk – but I also came to give Lois a chance to talk about the child she lost, not to cry on her shoulder about the children I might never have had anyway.

Lois is next to me in an instant. Her arms enfold me, the way I imagine Mom's will when I finally see her on Visiting Day. It will be the last Visiting Day I'll see her. "I'm sorry to hear that, but the baby is fine, right?" she checks as she steps away from me.

"The happiest, sunniest, most Amity baby you'll ever see in Dauntless." I share my fear that way, knowing that she knows enough to understand it without me voicing it.

Lois responds somberly, "You'll keep an eye on him, won't you?"

It doesn't feel like I need to respond, but I do and then continue on to keep my promise to Sultana. "There are quite a few kids in Dauntless I'll be keeping an eye on, like Amar."

Her eyes brighten with unshed tears.

"Lois, what do you remember about the accident?"

"Everything. There was a moment right after they gave me the Abnegation serum that they turned their back on me, and in that moment I dumped it on the ground and covered the damp spot with my foot. I've seen enough people take the memory serum that I know how to fake it. I remember everything." Her voice is rough.

I clear my throat. "As I was leaving, I heard what you told Amar, about your daughter."

"So, you know my biggest secret. We aren't supposed to counsel family, but I was able to convince them that, since it is always faction before blood, and since I'm the only grief counselor, I could do it." Lois blinks and tears fall from her lashes. "I'm thankful for every stolen moment that gave us."

"Sultana asked me to let you know what happened. She'll come to tell you officially on Visiting Day," I say gently.

Lois brushes the tears from her eyes. "I only met Sultana a couple of times, on Visiting Days in Dauntless, but from everything Jazz told me, she took her in, just like she was a real daughter and not a daughter-in-law."

I smile. "I think Sultana sees her that way."

We both jump as the door knob turns without any knock.

"Lois, Jarrod asked me to…" A beautiful woman with dark hair falling over the left side of her face stops short when she sees me. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had anyone." She starts to turn around.

Lois stands up and walks towards her. "Wait, Johanna, what does Jarrod need?"

Johanna looks from me to Lois. "There is someone with him, but I can let him know you are with someone. I'm sure she can wait until later," she assures Lois.

"Hana, this is Johanna Reyes. She is one of my husband's assistants. Who is it?" Lois stands and walks over to Johanna.

"No, Lois, it can wait." I didn't realize that the amiable part of Amity could sound so much like Abnegation.

Lois ruffles the back of her hair with her hand. "Is it Natalie?"

Johanna's eyes dart from her to me and back again, like she's aware that Natalie's name is not one to be discussed in public. "Yes."

Lois fluffs her hair again. "Let Natalie know that Hana is here, and see if she wants to see me or both of us."

Johanna tries hard to hide her look of surprise. Evidently she knows there is more to Natalie than meets the eye, too.

"Oh, and Johanna," Lois calls out to her when Johanna's hand is on the doorknob. "Let her know Hana doesn't have the baby with her."

"Okay?" There is a questioning tone to Johanna's voice; obviously, the instruction puzzles her.

Lois looks at me with a twinkle in her eye. "There's no point in both of us being disappointed."

* * *

Sitting in front of Jarrod's desk is a textbook Abnegation.

I see her like this so rarely that it always surprises me to see her in the plain gray uniform I wore for so many years. Her hair is pulled back in a sedate bun and there is a placid look on her face. I'm not sure I will ever be Dauntless long enough for my childhood training not to kick in when I am confronted with an Abnegation. I nod my greeting to her without even realizing what am doing until I catch the twinkle in Natalie's eyes as she nods back.

"How are Ezekiel and Uriah?" Her voice is soft and monotone.

I respond in kind, my voice measured and bland as I take the seat next to her. "Ezekiel is finding the big brother role a bit boring. He thinks that Uriah should stay awake and play with him more."

"You knew each other in Abnegation!" Johanna blurts excitedly, like she's solved the riddle.

Neither Natalie nor I laugh; instead, we give identical Abnegation smiles.

Lois clears her throat so we don't have to answer and turns to Natalie. "We weren't expecting you. What has brought you here?"

Natalie puts a hand over her gently rounding middle. "Contingency plans. I realized last year when Caleb was born that if anything had happened that needed to be dealt with right away, we weren't prepared for it. I'll be eight months pregnant during initiation this year. If anything goes wrong in the aptitude test or in any of the initiations this year, I'll be limited on what I can do about it. I was planning on talking to you and Jarrod to see if I can get your help, in case we need to get anyone out. After we had things taken care of on your end, Dauntless is the faction I'm the most worried about, so I was going to talk to Hana about how to run it from Dauntless next, but…" I watch Natalie suppress a smirk, and I wonder if this play at being Abnegation is just for Johanna's benefit, or if it is for Lois and Jarrod's sakes, "since she is here, we can just plan everything at one time."

* * *

"Okay, let's run through it one more time," Jarrod says from behind his desk. "I think we have it, but we need to look for every hole, every possible problem, so question _everything_."

"I'll watch the Aptitude tests," Natalie starts off, "and check the results for anyone who _may_ be Divergent. I'll let you know along with the appropriate faction contact. Right now we're sticking with the plan for Dauntless, since Hana is here and it is the most likely."

I swallow hard. "I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open, like I do every year."

Suddenly Johanna interrupts me. "How does that work? Are you a trainer?"

"No." The smile on my face suddenly dies. How _will_ that work this year? "In the past, I always ate with one of the trainers, who always sat by the initiates, so I knew what was going on. But Jazz…I don't know that I will be able to keep as close of an eye on the initiates as I used to." My eyes dart to Lois and Jarrod. Lois blinks rapidly, trying to clear the tears from her eyes. Jarrod rubs his wife's back.

Natalie breaks the tension that is building by asking, "Who is replacing her?"

"They haven't talked about it. Chaz and Ben were in the running for it last year, so there is a chance that it might go to one of them. That would probably still work since I sit with them for meals, but…" I look steadily at Natalie, willing her to understand what I am saying since I'm not sure I should be naming names in this group, "you know who the other trainer is, and Jazz taught her to sit by the initiates at meals, so if one of the guys _doesn't_ become the new trainer… she'll be hearing everything before I do."

Natalie pinches the bridge of her nose, like my words have given her a headache. "Let's finish the run through. That is going to take more time to think through than we really have right now."

I acknowledge her statement with a quick nod and continue on. "If I hear anything, I communicate with you and Jarrod by tablet."

"I'll be the one who makes the call, unless it is a complete emergency and you can't get a hold of me, in which case I give Hana permission to make the call. Dauntless is the only faction with some else allowed to make the call," Natalie clarifies, giving each person a determined look. "It's the only faction that seems to move that fast about killing Divergent."

"If it is just one person I need to get out, I'll wake them up and get them to follow me out of the dorms like I did with George," I continue with my part of the plan. "We will use the chasm like we did with George. Natalie will contact the people from the outside and they will bring in the body. I'll create the video clip of the person jumping."

"What happens if you can't reach Natalie?" Jarrod speaks up.

Natalie thinks for a moment before replying, "Get in touch with Gail. I know you have to be extra careful if you need to contact her, but she's the only one in Abnegation, besides Andrew, who has any idea of your involvement. And getting Andrew involved with the outside world is… not advisable."

"Do you already know how to make the video clip?" Lois breaks in.

"She doesn't, but she works in the control room, so she can get the clips she will need without too much trouble, and I can teach between now and then how to do it," Natalie answers confidently.

"If you are able to," I look at Natalie, "you will meet me in the crevice room and take them to Amity. If you aren't, it will be up to me. I'll take them to the large green house."

"Where you will meet me," Johanna breaks in with her clear, soft, soothing voice.

"I still don't see why I can't be the one to meet them," Lois breaks in. "Johanna has never had contact with any of them, and I…"

Natalie breaks in here. "And you were recently at the train wreck and if they realize you remember _everything_ from that, they will give you the Abnegation Serum. Right now it is safer to have Johanna do it, if I can't."

Lois plays with the back of her hair again and then grudgingly signals her understanding and agreement.

"I will take one of the Amity trucks to the border by the train tracks. We'll walk the train tracks to the Coca-Cola sign and someone from the outside will meet us there." Johanna turns and her hair swings back briefly. I think I seen the shadow of a bruise on her cheek, but her hair swings back so quickly that it is probably just my imagination.

"I think we have it except for a few small details that I need to work out." Natalie has a relieved smile on her face.

"Is there anyone you are worried about for this coming year?" Lois checks.

Without hesitation, Natalie and I answer together, "Titus."

"Titus?" Lois parrots the name back as a question.

"I worked with his father, Phil, in the control room, and we pulled him out during the train wreck," I explain.

Lois looks at each of us in turn, before clearing her throat and asking in a rough voice, "Did he make it?"

Natalie checks with me. She knows that I don't really want to know who all died, which means I don't know who lived either. "I'm going to need to know, if you aren't able to take him to Amity." I cross my mental fingers that he and his wife made it out okay.

* * *

Time flies the closer we get to Choosing Day, and suddenly, a month before it, everyone seems to realize that Renee is the only trainer we have for the coming year, and she's never done it before. Harrison finds himself pulled out of retirement to train her, but he makes it very clear he isn't going to do it again next year and talks them into the idea that they should just pick someone to be the second trainer for next year instead of going through the selection process again to replace Jazz.

They talk to both Chaz and Ben, but both of them admit at dinner that they aren't interested in working with Renee and so they both turned down the position.

I end up overhearing who is offered the new trainer position late one night in the control room. I see Tori and Danika in the tattoo parlor and hear the quick snippet of their conversation. "…biggest problem is that I'm afraid going through initiation every year will keep reminding me of George."

Carly is acting supervisor while Sultana is out, and tonight she is the one on duty. I look over my shoulder. Although Carly takes her job seriously, she doesn't pay as close attention as Sultana did, or as Miles and Jeff do. Nervously I pull up a dialogue box and type in the command Natalie gave me years ago to hide my commands from the log, and then I type in the command to go back to the tattoo parlor. This isn't the type of thing I really want to be caught doing, but… Danika did rank number one in her class, so there is a very good chance they are talking about the trainer position.

"But you know what to look for, you know how to keep it from happening." Tori's voice is slightly maniacal.

I watch Carly out of the corner of my eye. It's okay if I'm not watching the screens right now. I don't need to know what Tori and Danika are _doing_. I just need to know what they are _saying_.

"What do you mean, I can keep it from happening again? I mean, Jazz kept an eye on all of us, and George still…" There is a catch in Danika's voice as she lets the sentence hang.

It dawns on me that during the leaders' fear simulations, Natalie set it up so my cameras moved, but my audio didn't. As I listen, my mind puzzles over how she did that.

"Don't!" Tori's voice is sharp. "Don't let yourself believe them for a minute. Georgie wouldn't have left either of us like that and you know it."

"I've always had trouble believing that he did, but what else could it be?" Danika's voice holds a hint of tears.

I type in the start of the command to keep from changing cameras and then try a couple of audio commands that I know. With my third attempt, the audio stays on Tori and Danika. I let the camera feed go and I continue to hear the two of them talk as I watch Lance stare out into the Chasm while a nearby couple makes out, and then see a young man and woman from Candor holding hands in the Gathering Place. It worked.

"It was murder, Danika," Tori's voice drips venom. "Pure and simple murder."

I bite my lip as I debate what to do. I'm not supposed to warn people about the cameras and what we can see and hear, but… I need to tell Tori. If I don't, she might keep talking like this and _she_ might end up at the bottom of the Chasm. I don't think I would handle that well.

"Who would want to kill George?" Danika is shocked.

"Leadership. They didn't like the fact that George could get through so easily," Tori says confidently.

"Why? You'd think they would be all for it, because it would prove he is brave." Danika sounds genuinely puzzled.

"I'm still working on that," Tori admits.

"So, what do you think? The only drawback, besides missing George, is working with Renee." Danika sounds like Tori's opinion will decide for her.

"What's wrong with Renee?" Tori asks.

"Do you know her at all?" Danika responds with a question of her own instead of answering Tori's.

"Just a little. The only reason I know her at all is I did her tattoo."

"Renee has a tattoo?" Danika gives a small giggle.

"Yeah."

"That kind of surprises me. She's got a couple of piercings, but she never seemed like the type for a tattoo. I've never seen it, so I assume it's covered."

"Small of her back," Tori confirms.

"What is it?" Danika has to know.

The screen flips to the tattoo parlor, and I see them there, close together. If they were just a little further away from the camera, I wouldn't be able to hear them clearly, but they are standing right under it. "It reminds me just a little of the one I did for George only… where George had several eyes in the flames, Renee only has one and it peeks out from the flames."

* * *

It's funny to see Natalie sitting at the table in her old apartment instead of sprawled on the chair. She turns from her tablet and smiles – a real smile –as I walk in. "Ready to learn how to create your own footage?"

I pull out the chair next her and sit down. "Yes, but we have something else to talk about, too."

Natalie turns the tablet off and turns to give me her full attention. "What's up?"

"I overheard Tori speaking out about the leaders killing George again."

"You can't keep her from having her opinion," Natalie reminds me quickly.

"I was working in the control room and heard her talking to Danika in the tattoo parlor." I clarify how I got the information.

Natalie closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I know she's your friend, but if she doesn't stop talking like that, she's going to end up dead, and I can't do anything about it."

"I'm thinking about breaking the rules and making sure she knows the cameras have microphones on them," I admit.

"That might be a good idea, but you don't need my permission. You would be doing that even if you never met me, so what is this _really_ about?" Natalie looks pointedly at me.

I laugh silently. Natalie knows me. "She was talking to Danika, who has been offered the trainer position. Tori suggested to Danika that she might be able to protect people like George."

Natalie pushes back her seat. Abnegation clothes hide pregnancy even better than I remember. Natalie hardly looks pregnant as she begins to pace with her graceful flowing steps across the room. After she paces several times to the bed and back, she stops. "It could work, but you are going to have to be careful in how you encourage the idea."

* * *

Tori seems surprised to see me at her door about a week after my meeting with Natalie to learn how to create fake footage if I need to. Most of us don't visit Tori often. Although she's gotten better in the nearly two years since George's "death," she's still a powder keg, and sometimes it is just better to keep the kids away from her.

Even though the boys are with Eli right now, I am glad that today seems to be a good day for her. Hopefully, once I have my conversation with her, it will still be a good day.

We chat about general things for the first couple of minutes. Tori keeps eyeing me suspiciously, like she thinks there is more to this visit than the need to get away from all the males in my family like I told her in the hallway.

"Tori," I start hesitantly. "You know where I work, right?"

"Sure, you work in the control room." Her brows pucker in confusion over my change in topics.

"Did you know there are microphones that go with the cameras?" I try to work my way into what I'm here to tell her.

"No…" Tori says the word slowly.

"Which means, if you're having a conversation, with let's say…?"

A pale Tori interrupts me. "Danika?"

It's one of those times I wonder, despite the test saying she isn't, if Tori is Divergent. She still picks things up very easily, and I feel relieved that it looks like she has figured out where I am going with this. "Yes, with Danika. It means anyone working that night might overhear snippets of your conversation, and if it wasn't a friend, they might…" I pause to pick my words carefully.

"Be concerned about things that were said," Tori supplies for me with a tight smile.

"Exactly." I'm sure my smile is relieved that she seems to understand what I am saying.

"I'll keep that in mind," Tori says gratefully.

We are both quiet for a few minutes while Tori digests what I said, and I try to figure out how to bring up Danika being the next trainer.

"I have a question for you," Tori says hesitantly. "I don't know if you'll have the answer for me, but I know Abilyn won't," she ends bitterly.

"What's your question?" I ask curiously.

She leans in and speaks softly. "Before I ask the real question, are there any cameras in our apartments?"

"No," I assure her. "No cameras and no microphones."

"If someone was to take the trainer position, knowing about Divergent, like George, and how they can manipulate the simulations, do you think that they would be able to protect them?"

I work to keep my mouth closed. Tori just took us _exactly_ where I wanted to go. I speak slowly. "I've heard a rumor that the fear simulations are recorded, so it wouldn't just be a case of not telling people how fast they are getting out. _If_ you are right, they would also need to find a way to let the Divergent know that they shouldn't manipulate the simulation in an obvious way." I hold Tori's eyes with mine. "But yes, if they could do that, I think they would be able to do a lot to protect them."

Tori is thoughtful for a moment and then stands. "Hana, I've enjoyed talking to you, but I just remembered I need to talk to Danika about something before she goes to work."

* * *

When Danika is announced as replacing Jazz two weeks before the Aptitude Test, I'm relieved. When I get back to the apartment that night, I turn on the tablet to send Natalie the news, but there is a message there waiting for me, and it makes me nervous.

 ** _N has gone into labor. She is in the hospital while they try to stop it. I am supposed to let you know that it looks like you are on your own for this year. I will let you know if anything changes._**

Tears fall unbidden from my eyes. All I can think of is our little Angel. It is early, but not too early for her baby. I hope.


	50. Chapter 50 - Shattered

**Thank you for sticking with us. I know the chapters aren't coming as quickly as they used to, but we're trying. Sometimes life just takes a little longer to work around.**

 **Thank you so much, to everyone who has continued to read and review. It helps remind me that although I know how the story is going to end there are still some of you out there who don't know and who want to know, and that keeps me looking for time (even if it is just ten minutes) I can write.**

 **And I can't start the chapter without thanking Bahrfamily for Betaing this chapter and finding the place where I "contradicted" myself (my words not hers)**

 **Chapter 50 Shattered**

"I can go by myself," I insist.

"Not if you want to take Uri with you." Eli's arms are crossed stubbornly across his chest. I'm not going to get anywhere with him, I can already tell.

"I'm there to do more than just talk to Lois about my depression," I remind him.

"I know. And it's not because you are going there for Natalie that I feel like I need to go with you." His voice is still a little bitter when he mentions her name, but it is not as bad as it used to be. "It's the fact that I still don't think you should be jumping on and off the train holding him."

"I did it even earlier than this with Ezekiel," I counter.

"Zeke was smaller and you hadn't had…" Eli pauses; he never says the word hysterectomy. I think he still has problems with what happened. Maybe I shouldn't be so against him going. Maybe if he goes with me, he'll take the time to talk to Lois, and she can help him to start getting over this aversion to talking about what happened. I think it would help both of us if we could talk to each other. "You didn't have as many problems delivering him."

"I've healed from Uri's birth. I'll be just fine," I gently assure Eli.

"I go with you, or Uriah doesn't." His tone is final.

I don't want to give in, but I do want to take Uriah with me this time. "Fine," I say, giving in. "We'll need to leave after breakfast."

* * *

"Take care of whatever you need to," Eli says, giving me a quick kiss outside Lois's door. "Uriah and I will be in here with Lois while you do."

I kiss him back, and when I look up, I see Tami standing by her office door. She isn't looking at me but at Eli who is holding Uriah. She's known for a while now that he is a father, but the look of amazement on her face tells me that there is something to the old saying about seeing is believing. I wonder, as I leave to go to Johanna's office, how long it will take Tami to find her way to Lois's office. I understand her wanting to see them, but I still hope that Lois and Eli will have a good talk while he is there.

Maybe if they do, Eli will quit treating me like I'm helpless and start letting me do more.

* * *

Johanna greets me at the door to her office. "Hana." She smiles and holds out her hand, Dauntless-style, to shake. I wonder how she can wear long sleeves in this weather, even if it is a light fabric. Today reminds me how close we are to Choosing Day and summer.

"Johanna, how are you doing?" I ask as we shake.

A section of her dark hair slips from the knot at the back of her neck. She lifts her hand to push it out of her face. Her sleeve slips, and I notice a bruise on her forearm. "What's going on?" She neatly avoids my question.

"Have you heard anything from Natalie?" I ask.

"Not a word. Why?" Johanna leads me into her office and points to the two chairs in front of her desk. She lets me pick one and then sits in the other one.

"Natalie has gone into premature labor. She's in the Erudite hospital. It looks like if we need to get someone out of Dauntless, it's going to be you and me."

* * *

 ** _She's tiny but seems to be holding her own. Beatrice Prior is about 15 and a half inches long and n_** o ** _t quite 4 pounds. She's a fighter._**

I breathe a sigh of relief as I read the note that I assume Andrew has sent me and quickly compose my own response.

 ** _Congratulations. Let_** ** _Natalie_** ** _know not to worry. I've got things taken care of_** ** _on_** ** _this end. Take care of your wife and baby._**

Yesterday was Choosing Day, and I wonder when she was born. Surely Andrew didn't come straight from his daughter's birth to let me know what happened. Was she born before yesterday, and Beatrice and Caleb will choose in same year? If she was born yesterday or today, they will choose in different years.

I hope Natalie gets her wish and they will choose different years. Even though I've grown up knowing about Choosing Day, I can't imagine facing the chance of both of my children leaving in one year.

* * *

It is easier to get Eli to let me go visit Natalie in the hospital than I expect it to be. After I tell him how, while he was sleeping, Natalie had snuck in to check on me after Angel died, he is quiet. Then he walks over to me and enfolds me in his arms. "None of our friends here came and checked on you, only family. I may not like what you do for Natalie, but she truly is your friend." I feel a kiss pressed to the top of my head. "Go check on her. I'll cover for you. You'll be back in time for work, right?"

I reach up on tip-toe and kiss him, grateful this didn't turn into a confrontation. "I'll be back for work."

* * *

I leave the cleaning cart parked outside of Natalie's room and slip in through the doorway. Andrew sits on the edge of Natalie's bed, holding her hand. He jumps, startled to be caught doing something so against Abnegation norms. I can tell he is upset to be caught holding his wife's hand in some place as public as a hospital room where the door is closed.

His voice is measured and monotone, a good Abnegation voice. "If you will leave a few cleaning supplies, I'll take care of the room myself. You don't have to."

His response to both being caught by someone touching his wife, and to having someone else do something for him, is so typical for an Abnegation. It reminds me, once again, how happy I am that I left. I try not to laugh. He obviously doesn't recognize me in my Factionless outfit.

"Hana." Natalie's tone matches his, but with an undertone of surprise. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Now Andrew looks at me, studying me. "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you."

I hold back a laugh and smile, a slightly larger one than my old Abnegation smile. "Good. That's the point. How is Beatrice doing?"

"She's holding her own," Natalie says proudly. "That girl is going to be a force to be reckoned with. She is not going to just let things happen to her."

* * *

Mom holds Uriah close, cuddling him, and kissing his head every chance she gets. Even Dad seems to be more affectionate towards Uri than I remember him being with Ezekiel. I don't know how to tell Mom this is it, the last visit I will make to Abnegation. I've seen them every year since I changed factions. They came to Dauntless every year before I got married, and I've been here pregnant or with a new baby every year since I got married.

But there won't be another baby, and I need to let Mom know that I won't be back again. My chance finally comes when Mom goes to get water for everyone while Dad holds Uriah. "I'll help." I stand quickly, before Gayle or Ruth, Isaac's… friend, can volunteer.

Ruth has been eyeing Eli and me suspiciously the whole time we have been here. Her eyebrows pop up and then pull back down. I smile to myself, fairly confident that I'm right. I don't remember ever hearing about Ruth from Isaac when we were kids. I'm betting she's a transfer and from her name, I would guess Amity. Even though she's had the experience of transferring, I'm sure she is puzzled about what I am doing in Dauntless if I volunteer to help that quickly.

I stop Mom on the way to the cabinet to get the glasses. "Mom." I touch her arm, causing her to turn to me. I swallow hard, knowing there is a good chance my voice will break as I tell her the news. "We won't be back."

Mom's smile seems sadder than a standard Abnegation smile. "I know." She reaches out and touches the side of my face. "Taylor told me what happened."

"Taylor?" I'm baffled. "I thought Evan…"

Mom's smile changes slightly. It is still sad, but there is a spark of something with it that I can't quite define. It's not Abnegation, whatever it is. "Taylor wasn't going to let me hear what you went through from Evan. She showed up in his place so she could tell me what happened herself. I'm so sorry, Hana, that you went through that, but I'm _so_ glad that you and Uriah are okay." Her voice is too fierce to be Abnegation as she finishes her statement.

* * *

Isaac and Ruth leave long before we do. Jazz's words to me when I was depressed after Ezekiel was born echo in my head. "We know where we belong. We wouldn't give up our new families, but it is normal to miss your family in your original faction." As Eli and I say our good-byes, I fight to hold back the tears. This is it. I hug Mom and then Dad. Dad clears his voice. "Hana, you've got a couple of wonderful sons and a great husband." He looks at Eli and addressees his final words to him. "Take care of them."

Eli's voice is choked as he assures Dad that he will.

Gayle walks out with us, and the only reason I don't break into tears with her is that I know I may still have some contact with her through Natalie. Gayle holds Uriah, and we walk a few paces in front of Eli. "How are Natalie and the baby doing?"

Hopefully if anyone else overhears our conversation, they won't know that I left the same year Natalie came to Abnegation. "Natalie is just fine. Beatrice… she's not gaining weight and growing as much as they would like, but Natalie seems convinced that she's going to be just fine."

"I saw Natalie after… she's not sure that she's going to be able to watch the fear simulations. We think we have it figured out so that I can. If we need to get someone out, do you have any idea of how I can get in touch with you?" I try to lower my voice enough that Eli can't hear me, figuring that if he can't hear, no one else can hear.

"It's too dangerous to have you come to come to my house. Stephen would have too many questions and if the kids saw you…" Gayle breaks off. It hurts to realize that she's right. I haven't seen Jillian since my first visiting day. I haven't seen Richard or Anne since the visiting days after they were born, but as much as I want to see them, they can't see me.

"Any thoughts?" I ask, because I have no idea how we are going to pull this off.

"I'm volunteering every evening while you have fear simulations going. I'll be delivering food to the Factionless just down from the corner where you met me with Marley. If you need me, you'll find me there." Since we are almost to the train tracks, she turns to hand me Uriah. "You understand why I'm going to say I hope I don't see you."

It is an Abnegation smile that I give her. "I know. I hope I don't see you either, but only for that reason."

* * *

I unexpectedly get the chance to still sit near the initiates. Bekah's cousin, Helena, is one of the initiates. With their age difference, Bekah doesn't know her well, but she does want to keep an eye on her, so we sit close enough that Bekah can do so, which means I can also keep an eye and an ear on their conversations.

Harrison, Danika, and Renee do the fear simulations together. Using Natalie's access code, I watch the fear simulations myself after work while the boys – all three of them – are asleep. Natalie warned me that it can be difficult to watch other people's fears. She isn't wrong about that. All of them are hard to watch in varying degrees, but Titus's is disturbing. He hasn't done anything overtly Divergent, but his time is fast. The closest one to him is Helena. There is about a minute gap between them. What worries me is that there is a three minute gap between Helena and the next initiate. Helena's speed concerns me, too.

I use commands that Natalie has given me to watch the fear simulations from the cameras in the control room during the day. The third day, Harrison lets Danika and Renee take turns hooking the initiates up, and my observations and short nights pay off.

Danika speaks softly with a comforting voice, very much like Jazz's, as she presses the electrodes to Helena's forehead. "You're doing very well. There's no need to rush. It's just like the Aptitude Test, isn't it? You can't tell it isn't real."

Helena looks up at her, shocked. "Just like the Aptitude Test – no one can tell it isn't real?"

Danika smiles comfortingly. "Isn't that good to know?"

Helena takes a deep breath and nods, her eyes troubled. Her time is slightly slower than yesterday, but not so much as to make someone else notice it.

Renee hooks up Titus. There is an odd gleam in her eye. "You did really well yesterday, Titus. I bet you can go even faster today."

"I don't know." Titus shrugs noncommittally.

"You're so good, I bet you can make the impossible happen," she says softly as she moves away from him.

Later that night, when I watch his fear simulation, I remember what Renee said to him as he jumps off a high building, stretching out his arms and soaring safely to the ground.

I think Helena may be Divergent, but if she is, it looks like Danika's warning will keep her safe.

I _know_ Titus is Divergent. Reluctantly, I let Eli know I need to go for a walk tonight to meet up with someone from Abnegation. He eyes me suspiciously. "Why don't you just contact her on the tablet?"

"I'm not going to meet up with Natalie. Her baby is still in the hospital. The person covering for Natalie doesn't have a tablet. I have to meet them in person," I admit.

Eli pulls me close. "Who is it?" Before I can tell him, he must mentally go through his list of Divergents from the train wreck, and he realizes only one of them had a child in this group. "Titus?"

"Yes, Titus."

He leans down and kisses the top of my head. "Be careful."

Standing on tiptoe, I lift my lips up to kiss him. "Of course. I have three very good reasons to be."

* * *

Gayle is near the corner where she told me she told me she would be. She takes out a couple of cans from the nearly empty bag that hangs from her wrist and hands them to the Factionless woman standing in front of her. The woman takes them with a look of gratitude, but as soon as she sees me, she takes her treasures and scurries away. Gayle turns to see what has the woman leaving so quickly. She greets me with a single word. "Who?"

"Titus, definitely. There is another possibility, but I think we got lucky with our new trainer. She warned the other one," I answer.

Gayle looks troubled. "And no one caught on?"

"Danika was very subtle about it and spoke softly enough that I was lucky the microphone caught what she said so I could hear," I assure her.

"When do you want to do it?" Gayle's voice remains neutral. Her eyes scan the area to see if there is anyone coming for food.

"Can we do it a week from today? That will give me a chance to get everything ready, including a trip to Amity to let Johanna know."

"I'll let them know to expect Johanna then." Gayle nods at me. Her eyes glisten. "I don't know if I'll see you again."

"I know." I feel the tears prickle at the back of my eyes. I wonder what it would be like, in this moment, to be Amity, to be free to give my sister a hug good-bye and to let my emotions show. But neither of us is in a faction that would allow that.

We give each other a quick Abnegation nod, and I walk away without looking back. As I do, it dawns on me, that if – when – I see her again, it will be because one of our parents has died. I walk away, realizing as I turn the corner out of sight, that there are a couple of other times I will at least see her across the room at the Hub: when Isaac gets married, and when Ezekiel and Anne choose.

There is at least some comfort in that.

* * *

I feel a strong sense of deja vu as I wake up Titus and lead him to the Chasm. I remember taking this same journey with George. Titus doesn't ask me for an explanation, like George did. I pause at the doorway that will take us down to the Chasm and then on to the Crevice room; it feels like a lifetime ago that I led George to this very pathway and sent him on to Natalie.

This time I don't drop him off at the door; I lead the way down, cautioning him as I do. "Watch where you step. The rocks are slippery and I don't want you going into the water."

"Where are we going?" Titus finally asks as we start across the rocks.

"I'll explain when we get somewhere just a little safer." I keep my eyes focused on where I'm stepping until I squeeze through the crevice. Once I'm safely through, I head straight to the lockers and pull out the Amity clothes. Even though I don't plan to strip down completely, I want to be mostly changed before he joins me.

I'm pulling a red Amity shirt over my black tank top when Titus asks, a touch of awe in his voice, "What is this place?"

I take a couple of extra seconds adjusting my top as I figure out what to say. "I guess you could say it is the gateway between two worlds." I roll up my pant legs a couple of times to make sure that they won't show before I pull on the long yellow skirt that completes my outfit.

"You're Eli's wife, right?"" Titus is confused by my Amity appearance.

"Yes. I'm Eli's wife," I assure him. "Come with me. It's time for you to leave this world behind and for me to take you to the next one."

"Why?" Titus furrows his brow, suddenly unsure about what is going on.

I take a deep breath. Here we go. "Because you are too good at simulations, and because of that, there are people here who want to kill you."

Titus's laughter dies when he sees the look on my face. "You're serious. Why? Why does being good at simulations make someone want to kill me?"

It isn't up to me to explain everything to him, so I give him a simplistic but true answer. "Because people fear what they don't know. Let's go." I lead the way to the waiting cart. "I need to get you to Amity so they can get you the rest of the way to your new home."

"I'm not coming back." There is a faint tremor in his voice.

"You aren't coming back," I agree with his statement as I climb in, because he seems to need to know that he's figured it out.

"I won't know anyone there." He climbs in next to me.

"Actually, you will." I start up the cart and we take off through the tunnels towards Amity.

"Who?" Titus sounds puzzled.

It's mixed news that I have to give him, but at least I can tell him. "The train wreck that your parents were in wasn't supposed to be real. It was actually designed to get other people like you – and like your dad – out of here."

I hear the hope in Titus's voice. "They're alive?"

"It wasn't supposed to happen like it did. There was a real accident, Titus. Some of the people on that train really died." I try to prepare him.

"My parents?"

I'm glad I got the answer from Natalie before Beatrice was born. "Your mom broke her leg in the accident, but your dad…" I bite my lip, trying to remember exactly what Natalie told me. "Your father's pelvis was crushed, and he broke a couple of ribs. He's still recovering."

"But he's alive?" Titus checks.

"Both of your parents are alive," I assure him.

* * *

"Stay down here until I know the coast is clear," I instruct Titus as I prepare to climb the ladder up to the green house where Johanna is waiting for us.

"No Amity clothes for me?" Titus tries to sound disappointed, but I can tell he's not.

"I didn't know your size." I pause about halfway up. There is someone with Johanna. He is yelling at her.

"I know you are here to meet someone, Jo. Don't lie to me." His voice is a growl.

"It's not what you think, Bill. It's not! I'm here to do some work." Johanna's voice waivers.

"Then what is it? If you aren't here to meet some other guy and cheat on me, why are you here so late at night? You don't work in the green houses! You work with Jarrod in the office. You hardly have a reason to be here during the day. You have _no_ reason to be here at night."

I hear a distinctive noise, a noise I know from initiation and from Jude: the sound of someone being hit. I hurry to the top of the ladder and push up the hatch above me. Maybe I can shimmy through without being seen. Surely, if he sees Johanna is here meeting another woman…

I hear the sound of her being slapped again. "Tell me the truth, Johanna."

"I'm here for work, Bill. There's no one else. Only you." Johanna's voice trembles.

"Don't lie to me, Johanna. You are mine. Only mine." I'm about to try to shimmy through when I hear a loud crash, the tinkle of breaking glass, and a high-pitched scream – a scream of pain.

"Stay here until I come get you," I whisper frantically to Titus. I don't worry about being seen or not anymore. I open the trap door and climb through it.

Bill – at least I'm assuming he's Bill – stands near a broken pane of the greenhouse. Blood drips from it. Moving closer, I look for Johanna and see her crumpled on the ground. Her dark hair fans around her face; her form shakes with sobs and whimpers of pain continue to escape.

Bill drops next to her in the long thin shards of broken glass surrounding her, suddenly contrite. "Johanna. Oh, Johanna. Why do you do this to me? Why can't you just answer me so I don't have to hurt you? I don't want to hurt you, Jo. I love you."

White hot rage boils up inside of me. How dare he make it sound like it is something that _she_ did? She did nothing – _nothing_ – to deserve what I heard, or the scene unfolding in front of me. Without thinking, I hurry over to them. "Johanna!"

"Who are _you_?" Bill stands up and whirls around to face me.

I answer recklessly, without any thought of how this might need to be explained later. "It doesn't matter who I am. I'm here to meet Johanna, and I saw what just happened."

Bill stands. His mouth opens and closes soundlessly – like the fish that one of my teachers from the lower levels school kept in the classroom – several times before he finally responds to me. "Then you know it was an accident."

I look at Johanna's broken form on the ground. "I know no such thing." I pick my way carefully though the broken glass to a spot near Johanna's covered face. I kneel down, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Get away from my fiancé!" he roars at me.

I turn to him. "I am not the one who hurt her! _You_ get away from her!"

Bill takes a step back, looking surprised that I dared to defy him.

"Johanna, it's Hana." I make my voice gentle for her.

She lifts her head.

I press my lips together to keep the shocked scream inside. The right side of her face has been maimed by the splintered glass. There is blood spilling from the continuous gash that runs from her forehead to her lip. What concerns me the most is the remainder of the splinter of glass embedded in her eyelid. My eyes finally take in the fact that her lip is split in two. My mind starts to spin as I think through everything that needs to happen. I come to two quick conclusions. The first is that I need Lois and Jarrod. I can't get Titus out of here without them. The second one is just as important as that. I can't leave Johanna here alone with him, whoever he is.

"Go get Lois and Jarrod," I command him.

He stands above me, arms folded glaring. Something tells me he is trying to intimidate me. "I'm Johanna's fiancé. Who are you to tell me what to do?"

I look at him with something he doesn't have, something he will _never_ have: Dauntless bravery, mixed in equal parts with righteous indignation. "I'm the one staying with Johanna while you get help."

"You go get them. I'm staying." He puts his hands on his hips.

I stand slowing, deliberately, listening to Jazz's and Nick's voices in my head from long ago. Jazz starts. "When you face someone, like Jude, who is taller than you are, always stand up straight, square your shoulders and look them in the eyes. It may not help with Jude, but with most people, the confidence that stance portrays will give you an edge." When my stand matches what she told me and my eyes are locked on his, I remember Nick's instructions.

"Flex your knees, so you can move if you need to. If they aren't threatening you directly, put your hands at waist height, fists formed, so you are ready to strike if the opportunity presents itself. If they are in the ready, bring your hands up to protect your face."

I assess Bill quickly. He's not ready to throw a punch. I'm guessing that since he's Amity, he wouldn't know how to throw a good one, like Jude did, anyway. But I decide not to dismiss his abilities as soon as that thought crosses my mind. He's been using Johanna as his own punching bag. He may know how to throw a good punch.

Bill narrows his eyes as he takes me in; then suddenly, it is like a switch flips, and instead of this monster that I have been listening to and watching, there is an Amity man standing in front of me. "Maybe you're right. I'll go get someone, the first person I can find."

"No, you need to find Jarrod or Lois. Johanna was here to do something for work. They need to know what is going on." My heart pounds, hoping he will take that statement to heart and go get them. I need _them_ here. If too many other people come around here, I could be in a lot of trouble.

A strange smile curls his lips. "You're right. I need to go get them." He walks out and I turn my attention back to Johanna.

I carefully kneel back down next to her. There are shallow cuts all over her, but it is the slice going down her face that worries me the most. Knowing I have on my Dauntless tank top beneath it, I remove my Amity shirt and use it to staunch the flow of blood.

"Tituth?" Johanna lisps through the material.

Her word reminds me that there is more at stake tonight than just her safety. "Is the truck around here?"

She points behind the green house.

"I'll be back just as soon as I have him hidden out there." I move quickly to the trapdoor, not wanting to leave Johanna alone longer than necessary.

"What happened?" Titus asks as I open the door for him to come out.

"There was an accident with the lady who was supposed to take you from here," I tell him as we thread our way through the plants.

"Am I leaving or are we going to go back?" There is a hopeful tone to his voice. He may now know his parents are out there, but he's not too sure about leaving the only world he's ever known.

"We're still going to get you out of here. I'm just not sure how." I mutter the last part as we leave the greenhouse. So much had happened so quickly that I haven't even had time to worry about the truck yet. How far away will it be? Is it hidden? Fortunately, the truck is just off to the side in plain sight. The fact that it is so easily seen and that I don't know how many people Bill is about to bring back worries me a little, but I don't have too many options right now. I need to get Titus out of the green house so he can leave as soon as possible, and I need to get back to Johanna. She really shouldn't be left alone in her condition.

"I'm going in the truck?" Titus says it like a sentence, although I can hear the question in his voice.

"Yes, Johanna is supposed to drive you…"

Titus looks around and points to a clump of bushes with a few empty crates stacked neatly around them. I guess whatever is in this greenhouse must be getting close to harvest. "I'll hide over there."

"Just don't come out until you hear me or someone else say, 'Banshee that'." The phrase Tori and George used to confirm something is the first thing that pops into my head that I feel confident no one else will say.

"Banshee that?" Titus's forehead puckers in confusion about the odd phrase. "Okay." He walks over to the bushes and climbs in. As soon as he disappears, I turn back to the greenhouse to wait with Johanna for someone to show up who can help her.

* * *

"Who _are_ you?" Bill's voice shatters the peace as I sit by Johanna. We've moved around so that her face is cradled in my lap. I've been talking softly to her, about nothing in particular, nothing important, while we wait for someone to show up.

Wondering where this question has come from, I look up at him. Suddenly I realize it is my black tank top that has him asking. That was careless of me to forget. I should have climbed down and grabbed a shirt out of my locker below to cover it up. "Where are Jarrod and Lois?" I counter without answering him.

His face turns into a snarl, but it is quickly covered by a mask of concern. "How is she?"

I want to laugh at him. After what I saw, does he really think that mask is going to work on me? Then I see Jarrod and three other people I don't know standing behind him. The mask isn't for my benefit; it is for theirs. It is so that they won't see the monster in their faction.

"She lost a good deal of blood at the beginning, but I think I've got that slowed down, if not stopped." I direct my words towards the group behind him, not him. He hurt her. He gave up the right to know how she is. "She's been in and out of consciousness. I think she's in shock."

Jarrod and the other three come closer. Jarrod is the one who kneels next to me and positions himself so that he can gently take her head from my lap and put it in his. His voice is low so no one else can hear. "Lois is waiting by the truck." Then he raises it. "The medical team and I can take it from here, and I'm sure you would like to get cleaned up."

As I stand up, I notice my yellow skirt is streaked with Johanna's blood. I nod dumbly. I realize he's right. If I stay with Johanna, everyone will be watching me. I've been conspicuous enough to Bill. I don't need to make myself more memorable to anyone else. Bill grabs my upper arm as I walk past him. I feel the pressure of each finger. He's trying to make it hurt without being noticed by anyone else. "It was an accident. You saw it. She tripped and fell into the glass."

I only have an instant to make my decision. Do I pull myself up again to my full height and remind him that I know the truth, that this was no accident? I'm not sure what he will do if I do this. Will he lash out at me? Will he take it out on Johanna later? I can't take the chance that he will take out his anger with me on her, so I drop my eyes and mutter, "What else could it be?"

I want to wipe that smug look off his face. I want to show him the damage that someone from Dauntless can do. I want to make him hurt, the way he has made her hurt, but I don't. I play it safe, hoping this will keep Johanna safe. I know that I'm about to have Lois's ear and that I can tell her the truth.

* * *

"I'm sorry." Lois breaks the silence in the truck by addressing Titus, who sits between us on the bench seat. "I should have been preparing you for what lies ahead. Not that I know much about it, but I should have told you what little I know."

"Why don't you do it now?" Titus sounds desperate for information.

"There is no time." Lois stops the truck. "We can't take the truck any closer, and because of some things that happened recently, I'm not allowed to go any further. Hana is going to walk with you from here."

I open the door and climb out. "How long should it take me to get back?"

Lois gives me a small smile. "I brought you further than we're normally allowed to come. Jarrod removed the tracker, so it looks like this truck is still outside the greenhouse. You should be back here in about thirty minutes, I'd say. Follow the tracks to the Coca Cola sign. As long as nothing went wrong on their side, George should be your contact."

Titus slides out and stands beside me, ready to go. "Let's go." I balance myself on the railroad track and take off towards the unknown.

I see the truck almost at the same moment I see the sign for Coca Cola. I find myself wondering what Coca Cola is. "Hana?" George calls out from where he leans on the front of the truck.

"You weren't expecting me, were you?" I smile at him.

George walks over and hugs me. "No, but it's great to see you. I thought I was supposed to meet someone named Johanna."

"Johanna was injured tonight and couldn't make it." I try to push the memory of her damaged face from my mind.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but it's good to see you. How's Tori?" George's voice is concerned. There must be some way for him to know she isn't doing as well as she was.

"She's better than she was the first year. She's still mad, and still calling for revenge. She's decided that Nate had something to do with your death," I explain.

George takes a deep breath. "Damaged…" he mutters under his breath and shakes his head.

Part of me would like to know what he means by that, but I need to get back. I don't know if Eli thought to check my tablet when I wasn't home when he expected me, and I need to get home to my boys. "George, this is Titus. He's Phil and…" Before I get out her name, Titus's mom jumps out of the truck.

"Titus!" She yells his name and runs to him.

Even though I had told him they were alive, Titus looks like he has just seen someone come back from the dead. "Mom?" Titus moves towards her and hugs her. "You _are_ alive."

"I am, and Dad is, too." She steps back, keeping one arm around her son and wiping her eyes with the other. "I'm sorry I didn't come back to you, but Dad was so badly injured…"

"You don't need to explain to me, Mom. Hana told me." Titus sounds choked up.

I look at them and am thankful that at least this time, there is a happy reunion. "I need to get going. Eli doesn't know I was coming all the way."

"He's got to be frantic." Phil's wife gives a small laugh.

"I'm hoping they were able to contact him and explain what happened," I admit.

"Thank you for getting him out." Phil's wife pauses. "Did you help get us out, too?"

"Yes."

"I'm sure what happened hasn't been easy on you. The fact that…" She trails off, unsure of what to say.

"It wasn't, but I'm glad you and Phil survived. Tell him hello from me." I look at the three of them. George and Titus are alive because of what I've done. Phil may be injured, but he is alive too. As I turn away, I think that it has been worth it. I just hope Eli knows what has happened, or I know I won't be doing this again.

* * *

"Do you know what caused Johanna to fall?" Lois asks me as we drive back to Amity.

"Yes," I say grimly. "Bill."

My seatbelt catches as the truck stops suddenly. All of Lois's attention is on me. "What do you mean? Bill caused her to fall?"

I twist in my seat so I can see her better. "I mean, Bill was yelling at her about her being there to meet some other guy. He was hitting her and pushed her into the glass." True, I didn't _see_ all of this, but I heard it, and I know I'm right.

"Hana, those are pretty serious accusations." Lois's voice begs me to tell her I'm not serious.

"Haven't you noticed all her bruises?" I exclaim. "I've only met her a few times, but the first time she was wearing her hair to cover the bruise on her cheek and another time she was wearing long sleeves to cover the bruises on her arm."

"Johanna is clumsy." Lois is willing me to believe her.

"Johanna is one of the most graceful people I've met. Clumsy people aren't graceful," I tell her.

Lois's attention turns to the windshield and slowly the jeep starts moving forward. "I've known Bill since… I just can't believe…"

I give her a moment with her thoughts and then I ask her the question that has been bothering me ever since I saw what happened. "Lois, why did the glass fracture like that? Isn't that dangerous?"

"Most of the greenhouses are made of laminated glass. If they break, there is a layer of PVB that holds the pieces together, so there are no sharp edges. The larger greenhouses back here are annealed glass. Very few people are out here. It seemed like a good choice, but when it shatters…"

"I've seen what happens when it shatters."


	51. Chapter 51 - Snapshots

**A couple things** **to** **note.**

 **Shori made the observation in her review that she thought Johanna is Candor** **-** **born. That's right, she is. Which brings up the question: why didn't she tell the truth about what was going on? In my mind, she was Candor** **-** **born** **but** **with an Amity Aptitude. I don't see Johanna as Divergent; otherwise, I think she would have been the one to go with Tris, Four and the others to the Bureau** **,** **instead of Cara. With an Amity aptitude, her first instinct isn't to tell the truth.**

 **I found the following explanation of Amity on the Divergent Wikia, and I think it does a good job of explaining why I felt Johanna wouldn't have told what was going on: "** ** _Members of Amity are dedicated to peacefulness, kindness, forgiveness, trust, self-sufficiency and neutrality."_**

 **It is her tend** **e** **ncy towards peacefulness and forgiveness that caused Johanna not to tell what is going on.**

 **In chapter thirty-one of** **Allegiant** **,** **Tobias watches Johanna and his father interact:**

 ** _Johanna holds up a hand. She speaks with her eyes closed, like she can't stand to look at him. "Please. I have watched how your son behaves, how your wife behaves. I know what people who are stained with violence look like." She pushes her hair behind her ear. "We recognize our own."_**

 **I have problems believing the violence happened in Candor. Had she still been in Candor** **,** **I think she would have been forced to tell the truth. I think it happened in Amity, and like a good little Amity, she didn't tell in order to keep the peace. She forgave Bill repeatedly because that is what Amity do.**

 **Also, a long time back, I had a PM with BK2U about the fact that Tobias mentions liking and being afraid of Hana at the same time. (or something to the effect, it's not a direct quote). BK2U made a comment about Hana that has stayed with me since then. It's not that I've been looking for a place to put it in, but it has stuck in my head. In this chapter, Nick opened his mouth and used BK2U's words to describe Hana.** **Thank you, BK2U,** **for planting the idea in my head.**

 **And there is a picture taken in this chapter; it is canon. It is from** **Allegiant** **. I referenced it one other time, back in Dauntless Gray, in an author's note, but here it is** **, from chapter fifty-one of** **Allegiant ****(** **Tobias's POV** **)** **.**

 ** _"_** ** _Hanging crookedly next to me is a picture of the family—Zeke as a toddler, Uriah as a baby, balancing on his mother's lap. Their father's face is pierced in several places, nose and ear and lip, but his wide, bright smile and dark complexion are more familiar to me, because he passed them both to his sons."_**

 **Thank you, as always** **,** **to Bahrfamily not only for her work as Beta, but for not killing me since I've sent her three versions of** **this** **chapter.**

 **Chapter 51 Snapshots**

There are only two times that I can remember when it has felt better to have Eli's arms around me than when I get home tonight.

The first time was the night on the rooftop, when Jude was trying to kill me and I thought he had gone over the railing.

The other time was the day we lost our Angel, when he held me in his arms and let me cry even though his heart was breaking, too.

"What happened? You're alright, right?" he whispers in my ear as I cling to him.

I lift myself on tiptoes and give him a long slow kiss as I prepare myself to tell him a little about what happened. "Everything went smoothly, until we got to Amity. When we got there, I could hear my contact arguing with a man. It turns out it he is her fiancé, and he is the jealous type. He was sure that she was there to meet another man. I heard him hit her." Tears start to fill my eyes as I remember how helpless I felt in that moment. "Before I could show myself, he pushed her through one of the windows in the greenhouse. It shattered." I trace the cut on Johanna's face down my own. "The glass cut her deeply. She'll be scarred forever. There was no way she could take Titus on to the drop-off, and because of the train wreck, there was no one else who could fill in for her. Someone else drove us as close as she could, and I had to walk Titus in from there. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come home as soon as you were expecting."

Eli leads me to the family room and sets me on his lap. "When you were late, I thought to check your tablet. Someone had sent me a message letting me know that you were okay, so I wasn't overly worried about you. If I would have known you were in danger…" His voice trails off as he holds my face in both hands.

"I wasn't in danger," I assure him.

Eli's eyes pierce mine. "What if he had turned on you when you showed up? If he can hurt someone he loves, what makes you think he wouldn't hurt you?"

"I'm Dauntless. He didn't really want a fight. He wants someone he can bully and control. He wouldn't…" I find Eli's lips on mine, keeping me from finishing my sentence.

"I was told you were okay, but I was still worried about you," he says softly when we finally pull apart.

"I didn't want to worry you," I assure him as I lean in for another kiss. "I knew you would worry, and I got back as quickly as I could."

"I know." Eli helps me to my feet and stands up. He holds my hand and leads me to our bedroom. "We should have another hour before Uriah wakes up. We can talk more after you feed him."

* * *

Eli puts Uriah back to bed and climbs back in bed with me, pulling me into his embrace. "I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you." His arms tighten around me.

"Nothing happened, but we would have come up with a cover story for any injury I could have," I promise him.

He kisses the top of my head. "My mind went all sorts of places, Hana. I let my imagination run away with me."

I kiss his chest. "Don't do that."

"I didn't just picture something happening to you. I also pictured what you would do if something happened me."

This time my arms tighten around him. The thought he has just planted in my mind is horrible. "What would happen to you?"

"I'm Dauntless. I'm Divergent. Hana, things happen in Dauntless and according to Natalie…" Eli doesn't finish his thought.

"They don't know," I remind him fiercely. "They don't have a clue. You hid it without even knowing you needed to."

Eli moves me so that we are looking each other in the eyes. "Hana, I'm not asking you to quit. Not exactly, not right now. But if anything happens to me, if I die while the boys are still under our roof, promise me you'll quit working for Natalie."

"Nothing is going to happen to you, Eli. We're going to go to the boys' Choosing ceremonies together. We're going to watch them stay in Dauntless, fall in love, get married, and give us grandkids…" Tears prick my eyes. A couple of them escape and trace down my face.

"That's what I want too, Hana, but I want you to understand. If something happens to me, you have to be there for the boys, not Natalie. Promise me: the boys come first. You'll quit working for Natalie if something happens." Eli grips my upper arms.

"I promise."

* * *

"There is one more thing that we want to discuss today. My apologies that it isn't on your agenda, but it is something that…" Jarrod and the monthly Amity meeting disappears from my screen as I see a new camera showing an empty street in Abnegation.

For a moment I wonder if what Jarrod is getting ready to talk about has anything to do with Johanna, and even though I know I shouldn't, I check over my shoulder. Miles is focused on his screen; his finger tapping his forehead tells me that he's working on a report. He'll be focused for a while. I pull the Amity meeting back up. "…was unprovoked, and the attacker was one of our own. We had no clue or knowledge that they would do anything like this. As a Faction that cherishes goodwill, peace, harmony, friendship, and forgiveness, what can we do to make sure that nothing like this happens again?"

I watch, amazed, as they form small groups. It looks like they are discussing the issue and coming to a decision. As much as I would like to watch, I let the feed go. If Miles does look up, I don't want to be caught watching something as unimportant as an Amity vote. Before I do, I make a mental note of the camera number that shows the meeting, since it is likely that five cameras on either side of it will show me the meeting, too. Miles probably won't pay so close of attention to me that he will notice if I check in every few minutes to see what they are doing. Especially if I change the camera angle.

The first few times I check in, the groups seem to grow. It's like when one group comes to an agreement, they join another group and start over again. It is an odd procedure.

When it looks like they are just about to one group, I find myself checking back more often, unwilling to miss what they have decided. When a handful of representatives walk up to Jarrod, I enter the codes I figured out when I was listening in on Tori and Danika and then I let the visual feed return to random.

"Thank you." I hear Jarrod's voice instead of the roar of the Chasm that should accompany what I see on my screen. "This was not an easy decision. I understand and appreciate the gravity of what we have asked you to decide. The choice of letting people decide if they want the peace serum verses making everyone take it is a delicate one. The decision of the group is therefore that we will start putting our peace serum into the bread. This was our last issue to discuss tonight. I thank you again for your participation on every decision made here tonight."

I let the audio return to following the visual, thinking about what they have decided. I think about the time that Jude used peace serum on me and wonder if this is really a good decision. Will making a whole faction of people as loopy and goofy as I was that night really keep a monster like Bill from hurting an innocent like Johanna?

My mind never completely leaves this question as the screen continues flipping to the next image. About half an hour later, I learn I'm not the only one concerned by the choice, but our concerns are not the same.

"Are you kidding?" Johanna's new lisping voice cuts through my thoughts. She is standing with Lois and Jarrod in a hallway outside their offices. "It should be in the water! Not something that people can avoid!"

Without thinking, I keep the camera on them so I can see how this scene plays out.

"Johanna." Lois's voice is gentle, but firm as she places a comforting hand on Johanna's shoulder. "The faction has spoken. Most people can't picture someone in this faction doing what you are now telling us that Bill did."

Johanna is silent for a moment. When she does speak, the microphone almost misses her voice. "If I hadn't forgiven him and tried to keep the peace… if I had told when he first started… if I had come to someone the first time he hit me, do you think it would have been any different?"

Jarrod answers her. "There is no way of knowing, Johanna. If you had told us at the beginning, there is a chance no one would have believed you, and we might be looking at a different outcome. If we had believed you, and I'd like to think we would have, then I don't think there would be peace serum even in the bread."

"Why not?" Johanna sounds outraged.

"Because I'd like to think we would have sent Bill to the Factionless earlier, and this wouldn't have happened at all."

* * *

"She's so tiny!"

"He's huge!"

Natalie and I laugh at our instant observations of each other's baby, as soon as I lay Uriah down on the bed next to Beatrice. There may be less than six months difference in their age, but the difference in their size is amazing. I know Uriah was full term, and large to begin with, and Beatrice was a preemie. But at three months old, she is so tiny and fragile-looking compared to my boy.

"How is she doing?" I can't stop myself from being concerned about the tiny bundle on the bed.

Natalie smiles fondly. "She's a fighter. Life is not going to just happen to her."

We watch the babies for a few minutes, before we start talking about what we are here to meet about. "We need to figure out how to make sure Danika does the fear simulations. It's too dangerous to have Renee do it," I tell Natalie what she already knows.

"I think we all feel that way." Her voice is grim. "I just don't know how we make it happen."

"Have you heard anything on Johanna?" I ask next.

"Johanna is recovering. She's always going to have a scar. I feel responsible." Natalie admits the last part in a soft voice.

"Why?" I'm the one who didn't get there in time to stop him. Why does she feel responsible?

"If I hadn't asked her to be the one to take Titus in…"

I cut her off sternly. "This isn't the first time he hurt her. I've seen bruises on her before."

Natalie takes a sharp breath. "Why didn't I notice them?"

"She tried to hide them. When you have a Dauntless aptitude and you are born into Abnegation, your mom spends a lot of time teaching you to look at people, how to watch people to see what they need, hoping that you'll learn how to do it and be selfless enough to stay." I feel a couple of tears pricking my eyes.

"Well, I'm glad you left. You do more good in Dauntless than you ever would have done in Abnegation," Natalie tells me with a smile.

Before I can respond, Beatrice starts whimpering in her sleep. Natalie moves to her quickly, hoping to keep her from waking up Uriah. She holds Beatrice close and rocks her. "When was she born?" I finally think to ask the question I've been wanting to know.

Natalie gives a sad smile. "The day before the Aptitude test. Looks like both my children will be choosing the same year."

My heart aches for Natalie. It's hard enough to imagine the idea that Ezekiel and Uriah could both leave, but to face the idea they could leave on the same day?

"It's times like this that I wish I hadn't left Dauntless." Natalie's voice breaks into my thoughts.

"Why?" It is an odd comment.

"In Dauntless, I could have a camera," she tells me in a soft sing-song voice. "It would be so nice to have some baby pictures of her to look back on when she's grown up."

* * *

"Hana?"

I jump at the sound of Eli saying my name. The way he is looking at me tells me this isn't the first time he's said it. "Yes?"

"Did everything go okay with Natalie today?" He knows I was with Natalie because he watched Ezekiel while I was there. We both agree that Ezekiel is getting too old, and too observant, to go with me if we can avoid it.

I smile. "It was fine. We discussed what went wrong when I got Titus out, and I got to see her new baby. Uriah was _never_ that small."

Eli laughs at my last comment. "So, what has you lost in thought?"

"Natalie mentioned that she wishes she had a camera to take pictures of her kids. I was raised Abnegation. It had never dawned on me that we could take pictures of the boys."

* * *

"So what do you think of the fact that Sultana isn't coming back?" Sue asks me as I log into my computer about a week after my visit with Natalie.

Sultana's move to accounting was announced earlier today, and it appears to be the main conversation in the control room. I'm not sure of what to say. Everyone else might have been surprised by her announcement, but I wasn't. She and Kamil had Eli and me over for dinner so they could discuss it with us. It had surprised me at first that they wanted to talk about it with us instead of with friends their own age, but it made sense when they explained that we already deal with the rotating schedule and small children, and none of their other friends are in that position.

"It makes sense with how lost Amar still is," I answer Sue. It's been over a year since the accident. He's getting better, slowly building memories we have given him out of the memory fog, but he still concerns Sultana with the way that he doesn't seem to be attached to people or things.

"I guess." Sue logs out of her computer. "Are you going to apply for her job?"

I look over at her. I hadn't even thought about the supervisor position being open. I just assumed Carly would keep it. I think about it for a minute, then reply, "I doubt it. Are you?"

Sue stands up to leave; her voice is bitter. "I don't know why I would. They didn't ask me if I wanted to fill in for her. They already know they want Carly. Her mom worked with Miles and trained Jeff. I'm pretty sure she's got it locked up."

I remember Carly telling me her mom had worked in the control room, but I didn't realize that she had those connections. I slip my headset on and settle in for the night. Isaac and Ruth are in the Distribution Center, sorting clothes. I watch my brother and Ruth while they are on the screens. They are definitely there together. I'm going to have to remember to keep an eye on the announcements for Nuptials Day. It looks like my brother will be on there soon.

* * *

"What is this?" I ask Eli when I meet him at breakfast the next morning after my shift has ended.

"What?" Eli tries to sound puzzled, but fails. There is too much laughter in his voice for him not to know what I'm asking.

Nick walks up just then, and suddenly I'm looking wildly around for my sons. "Where are Ezekiel and Uri?"

"Leeann and Chaz have them," Eli answers.

"Where are they?" I demand.

"Calm down, Mama Bear," Nick says with a laugh. "They're in line for breakfast."

"Did they go with you?" I glare at Eli.

"What do you think I did? Leave them home by themselves?" Eli tries to look hurt by the question.

With his answer, I realize it was a dumb question. Besides, that isn't really what I wanted to know. Of course the boys went with Eli when he and Nick went out. I take a deep breath to calm myself down. I'm tired. My day is over. I need to calm down and be rational. "Okay, I know you took them with you. That's not really what I wanted to know." I look from Eli to Nick and back to Eli. "Did you get theirs done, too?"

Just then Leeann and Chaz walk up with the boys, giving me my answer. Both my boys have a dull black stud in one ear, too. Ezekiel sees me and runs up. "Mommy! See, I like Daddy and Uncle Nick!" He points to his earlobe.

I take a deep breath and put on a false smile. I'm a Dauntless mom, I remind myself. I can't get upset about this, at least not in front of him. "I see that."

Ezekiel gives me a big hug. "I'm a big boy, Mommy."

I look over at Eli who is grinning at me. He knows he's won this.

"Yes," I agree. "You are a big boy, but what about Uriah? Is he a big boy, too?"

Ezekiel laughs. "No, Uri's a baby. Daddy put his on this morning. Joe put mine on."

I can feel the puzzled look on my face as I begin to get the feeling I've been had. A quick look at Eli and Nick, who are about to die laughing, does nothing to make me feel better about it. Chaz sets down the tray with Ezekiel's food on it right then, and he jumps off my lap and scurries over to Uncle Chaz so he can get his food. Leeann sits next to me and hands me Uriah, who is reaching for me. I balance Uriah on my lap, trying to make sure he can only reach the banana I have mashed up on my plate for him. Then I check his ear. I shake my head Eli and Nick. "You got me."

They both laugh at me, along with Leeann and Chaz.

"What's so funny?" Bekah asks as she and Conner sit down with Marlene.

Eli wipes his eye. "Nick and I got our ears pierced last night while Hana was at work."

"So?" Bekah sounds unimpressed.

"So, he got magnetic earrings for the boys so it looked like all four of them got their ears pierced." Suddenly I realize I didn't check Ezekiel's ear, only Uriah's. I turn sharply to Eli. "Both the boys' are magnetic, right?"

Eli reaches across the table and cups my face. "Both the little boys' are magnetic. The big boys','" he mimics Ezekiel's words, "are real."

* * *

"It's all set." Eli murmurs and kisses my cheek to wake me up the next week.

"What's set?" I ask sleepily as he kisses the other cheek.

"You mentioned that you wished you had something about a month ago." He kisses my forehead. "It took me a little bit to get it set up." He kisses the tip of my nose.

I pause for a moment to think, but I honestly can't remember anything I've mentioned wanting. "What was it?" I finally ask, waiting for the kiss on my neck that I know is coming.

After he kisses my neck, he grins at me. "We're getting a family picture taken today."

I look at him for a second and then throw my arms around him. My lips claim his, and it works, because after all, this is where the next kiss is supposed to be, anyway.

* * *

"That's a good picture of all of you." Taylor looks over the picture of the four of us after we finish getting everything ready for Feast Day tomorrow. The picture turned out well. Eli and I are sitting. Each one of us holds a child. Uriah balances on my lap and Ezekiel leans back in Eli's arms. All three of them sport the Pedrad grin. Uriah's, to me, is the cutest, since he only had his bottom two teeth at the time. Taylor looks at it for a couple of minutes, then hands it back to me.

"This copy is yours." I push it gently back to her.

Taylor passes it over to Abram, who has his feet up on the table since they are swollen tonight. "You have a good looking family, Son."

"Where's mine?" Leeann demands, looking over Abram's shoulder.

"What makes you think you get one?" Eli asks her pointedly. Eli told me to leave Leeann's at home. He certainly likes picking on his cousin.

Leeann pouts. "I'm their Aunt Leeann! You have to give me a copy, too! Nick, don't you want a copy?"

Nick throws up his hands in mock surrender as he tries hard not to laugh. We took the long route to Taylor's and Abram's so we could drop his off on the way here. "Doesn't matter what I want or don't want. Eli and Hana get to decide who gets them."

"Hana!" Leeann wails. "I want a copy! Don't you have one for me?"

Eli knows me well enough to know I'm the one who will give in. "Leeann, we only got so many copies. We can't give them out to just anybody."

"I'm not just anybody!" Leeann announces indignantly with her hands on her hips.

Chaz puts a calming hand on her arm. He's caught the twinkle in Eli's eyes and realizes Leeann is being played.

"Leeann, we had to give one to Max, and Tanner at my job, and Sue, and…"

"Oh, you're impossible!" Leeann interrupts him, suddenly realizing with how unlikely we are to give pictures to any of the people he just mentioned. She turns to me. "When do I get mine? I know you have one for me."

* * *

"So, what do they need?" Eli is on call and they just contacted him. I'm pretty sure that he's about to be called away from Feast Day.

"There's a camera down in Erudite. I have to go." He kisses the top of Uriah's head.

Ezekiel runs up to his dad with an excited look on his face. "I go with you! I'm a big boy!"

"That you are." Eli swings Ezekiel up in his arms. "You are a big boy, but that's why I need you here."

"Why?" Ezekiel's forehead creases in confusion.

"You're the man of the house while I'm gone. Take care of your mom and Uri until I get back," Eli explains to him seriously.

I shake my head at Eli, but Ezekiel brightens up. "I take care of them, Daddy."

"I know you will, Buddy." Eli gives him a hug and a kiss. "You make sure they get to the Feast at Grandma's, and I will get there just as soon as I can.

* * *

"I just don't know where I belong anymore," Sultana admits to us.

The Feast Day meal at Taylor's is over. Everyone has left and the dishes that can be done are done. There are just a few things soaking in Taylor's sink. We'll get those after we take our break.

"What do you mean?" Taylor asks, taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

Sultana's laugh is mirthless. "Age-wise, Kamil and I belong with you and Abram, but the child we're raising is more in line with Hana's boys. We don't really fit in anywhere anymore."

I take a long sip of my tea and look around the room at who all is left. Leeann holds Uriah as he finally takes his nap. Normally I wouldn't approve of him being held for a nap, or him taking his nap so late, but with all the commotion, he was too busy trying to make sure he didn't miss anything that he skipped his nap. He fussed for everyone until Leeann got a hold of him.

Abram and Kamil sit at the table, playing cards. Abram coughs and takes a drink. He has never completely lost the cough he developed about the time Uri was born. Kamil makes a comment to him as he plays his card. They are paying more attention to their game than they are to us, and if they happen to hear part of the conversation... they know where I came from, so it won't be a surprise.

Eli rejoined us right as everyone sat down to eat, and now he, Chaz, and Nick have Ezekiel. They are meeting Rob and James at the fights. I don't know how they expect two-year-old Ezekiel to sit through it, let alone a one-year-old like James. I guess I'm glad for Uri's fussiness this afternoon. It kept Eli from wanting to try to take him, too.

"Back in Abnegation," I start, deciding it is okay to go back in time with the group that is here, "there was an older couple who adopted a Factionless girl about my age. Their peer group had grandchildren; the girl was their granddaughter if the rumors were true. So they were also raising a younger child. They did their volunteer work with the families with kids my age and joined us for dinner parties. I heard them explaining it to my parents once. They felt it was more important for their child to be with her peers, and they could act as mentors for the other parents since they had been through a lot of it before. We'd be happy to watch Amar so you can spend time with your friends and not lose those connections, but we'd also love to have you hang out with us. I know you've got a lot of wisdom you can share with us."

Sultana looks thoughtful as she takes a drink of her own hot chocolate.

* * *

Uriah attempts to top Ezekiel's performance with his first birthday cake. His chubby arms encircle the whole cake, squishing it beyond recognition as he pulls it towards himself.

Angie laughs the hardest. "Your boys are hard on cakes, she tells me as she pulls out the second box again. "I didn't have to bake two cakes for Gabe, or Lynn, or James, or…"

Before she can say anything more, Eli interrupts her. "You made two for Carly."

"That's because Carly has _two_ girls. I made one for Kari and one for Rita." Angie shakes her head. "And the two of them together did less damage than Uriah did on his own."

We all laugh as I take Uriah's cake away from him. Tears erupt from my son as I do.

"Mommy! That's Uri's!" Ezekiel chastises me.

"I know," I tell him calmly as I head to the kitchen. There is no way Uriah is eating that much cake at one time.

Ezekiel scurries in front of me and blocks my path, both hands planted on his hips. "Give it back! He's gonna share with me!"

* * *

Danika is amazing, I decide as I watch her hook up a female transfer from Erudite. Two years ago we had to get out Titus. Last year, much to Renee's dismay, Danika was assigned to do all of the Fear Simulations. We didn't have to pull anyone out. There was one boy we were worried about at in beginning, as the time of his first simulation was fast, but he never did anything that made it so we needed to pull him out. His other times were never as fast as the first, and no one questioned that.

This year, according to the Abnegation member who administered this girl's Aptitude test, we are dealing with aDivergent. The girl admitted to the examiner that she was aware that the test wasn't real. Danika has spoken softly to her each time she's hooked her up. She's always soft enough that I can't hear what she says. Natalie says whatever she is saying is working. The transfer has yet to do anything to raise any flags.

Another boring Initiation. I could get used to this.

* * *

The weather starts to turn cooler and school gets ready to start. It's hard for me to believe that next year Uriah moves from Dauntless Daycare into the Dauntless Preschool, while Ezekiel will be leaving the Dauntless Preschool and will start attending Lower Levels with all of the children who will turn five during the year. And Angel would have... I stop myselft from thinking that. It does not good to dwell on should have been. Instead I change my thoughts and wonder, where does the time go?

As the light fades from the screens I see the leaves in the Abnegation sector turning. The streetlights in Erudite pop on. The Candor's Gathering Place is full of people gathered for a debate. Sophia and her friends chase fireflies around their houses. It's been years since I've seen her and it surprises me how much she has grown.

Marcus and his wife walk sedately side by side without touching, like a good Abnegation couple. Their son – if I remember correctly from the one time I saw him when he was with Natalie, his name is Tobias – walks beside his mother, holding her hand. Suddenly Marcus reaches out and jerks her away from Tobias. The little boy looks scared, but not surprised, by the sudden action.

My fingers fly, typing in commands to keep the view on my screen from changing so I can keep an eye on what is going on while I try to figure out if this is something I should report or not.

He pushes his wife into a nearby wall, so hard her head bounces off it. She says nothing, but presses her lips together. He leans in and mutters something to her, then pulls her away from the wall. They start walking again like nothing happened. She no longer holds Tobias's hand.

I let the feed go back into rotation, chewing on my lip as I do. Abnegation parents would see it as self-indulgent to hold a child's hand when he is that old. If that is what it was about, Marcus was over-reacting. But if I tell, will I be over-reacting, too? Amy I worrying too much simply because of what I witnessed happen to Johanna?

* * *

"There you go." Eli hands me the Erudite paper, folded open to the announcements for Nuptials Day.

His name jumps out at me. "Isaac Wren." I look through the columns to see if there is a Ruth. There she is. Ruth Miller.

I look at both names for a little bit, then I look up at Eli. I'm not sure what to say. I want to go. He's my brother, and it will be a chance, even if it's just for a brief moment, to see my family. I'm sure Julian, Richard and Anne will be there, so I won't be able to talk to anyone, but just to see them…

"I'll check with Mom to see if she and Dad can watch the boys. If she can't, we'll check with Leeann or Nick. Hopefully between the three of them, we can get someone to watch them so I can go with you."

I smile thankfully to Eli as Ezekiel walks into the room. He walks over to me and leans against me. I pull my four-year-old onto my lap. "How are you feeling?"

He cuddles into me. "Better. My tummy is hungry."

I hug him tightly to me. For the last twenty-four hours, he's had the stomach flu and wouldn't eat anything. Having him admit to being hungry is nice to hear.

* * *

Stephen takes Anne's hand from Gayle and turns to Jillian, who has grown up so much since I left Abnegation seven years ago. "Take Richard's hand. The hallway is getting crowded and I think we should go and get seats for everyone while they wait to see if Ruth's family shows up."

"I want to see Ruth's family." Jillian cranes her neck since she is looking for someone from another faction heading towards them.

"Jillian." Gayle's voice reminds me of Mom's reprimanding me for drawing attention to myself.

Jillian ducks her head, just a little, so she seems to blend in a little more and without another word, she takes Richard's hand and follows her father, who holds Anne's hand, out of the hallway.

Mom and Dad turn and start scanning the crowd. At first I think they are looking for Ruth's family, but I see a light in Mom's eyes, and Dad smiles as soon as he sees me, and I realize this is planned out. Stephen took the kids away so that I could have a moment with my family.

"How are you?" I ask quickly, before they can ask us. I know they aren't going to like it, but I want to know how they are doing as much as they want to know about us.

Dad's voice is gruff. "We're all fine. How are you?" He looks first at me, then at Eli, who stands behind me with an arm around me.

"We're good," I answer quickly, knowing our time is short.

"And the boys?" Mom's voice is wistful.

"Growing." I point about halfway up my chest. "Ezekiel comes to here on me, and Uriah," I move my hand down about two inches, "seems bound and determined to catch up with him."

* * *

It is the same photographer who arranges us for the family picture. Taylor and Abram sit in the middle. Uriah sits on Taylor's lap, and Ezekiel sits on Abram's. Eli is centered between his parents, with Leeann and me either side of him. Chaz stands next to Leeann and, although Nick protests that he should stand on the same side as Leeann and Chaz, the photographer informs him that if he does, he messes up the balance in the picture, so he stands next to me.

We head up to Taylor and Abram's apartment after we are finished. Eli and I had talked about taking another family picture, but once we were done, Abram seemed tired and, without saying anything to each other, we left with them. We'll get the picture another time.

Taylor and Abram are exceptionally quiet during the meal. Their silence seems to spread to all of us, except Ezekiel and Uriah. But the two of them can carry on a conversation all by themselves. We let them tell their stories, and I try to laugh at the right places as they do, but Taylor isn't sitting at the foot of the table like she normally does. She sits next to Abram. They've always been affectionate, but tonight she seems to always be touching him. She moves her hand away for a moment to cut something, but then it is back on him, on his arm, on his leg, brushing hair away from his face. It's like she can't stand not to be in physical contact with him.

When the boys ask to be excused, Taylor tells them there is a new toy in Eli and Nick's old room and that they can play with it in there and only in there. They race off to see what it is. She watches the boys until they are inside the room. She looks at the five of us. Her mouth opens, like she is about to say something, then closes just as suddenly. Tears fill her eyes.

Abram puts an arm around her shoulder. "I'm leaving next week." He coughs.

I look first at Eli. He looks surprised, but I know deep down inside he isn't. He has confided in me a couple of times that he's worried about his father's cough, and how it never completely goes away, and that he is often dizzy when he stands up, and out of breath, and that he's worried about him.

Chaz speaks first, his arm around Leeann, who has her face pressed into his shoulder. "Why?"

"I have congestive heart failure." Abram's tone is matter of fact. "I've had it for years. They've been watching me since about the time Uriah was born. They test me every few months, and I failed the physical stamina test this time." He tries to make it sound like it is no big deal.

But it is a big deal. I'm thankful that he's chosen to live with the Factionless instead of... taking his other option, the option of killing himself.

I look at Taylor. I don't know how to ask her the question that immediately comes into my head.

She must read the question in my eyes. Her hand tightens around Abram's. "I'm staying here." Taylor's voice is tight. "I want to go with him, but Abram has convinced me that it will be easier for him if I stay here."

Abram leans in and kisses her temple. "I've been talking to Evan about this for years, ever since I was first diagnosed. He's got a place for us, but the more people there are, the harder it is to find enough food, or blankets, or anything, really."

"We'll bring you want we can." Leeann speaks up.

"Thank you," Abram smiles at his niece, "but you know anything you bring, I'll be sharing."

Leeann takes a deep breath and looks Abram in the eye as she speaks. "I'm not going to punish you for everything you've done for us by refusing him anything now."

"Thank you." Abram's voice is choked.

We are all quiet for a moment, before I break it. "I know I'm going to sound a little 'Stiff', but do you want me to try to get a message to my family?"

"How would you do that?" Abram asks, trying to hide a cough after he speaks.

I don't know how to explain to him that I can get him extra help, besides what my family will do when they find out. When I realize the right way to handle it, I have to work to keep from laughing. No one will understand me laughing until I deliver the punch line. "Actually, I think Leeann's connection will help you more than mine."

"My connection?" Leeann looks at me, puzzled. "I don't have connections in Abnegation."

"Yes, you do. What's her name…" I trail off for a second, pretending to try to remember. I look from Leeann, to Nick, and finally to Eli. He knows the name I am pretending to struggle with, and he knows she's really more my connection than Leeann's after all of these years. He just isn't sure he should supply it. "You had a friend who went to Abnegation when I came here. My brother has worked with her; she's in charge of Volunteers. Natalie!" I let myself look excited like I just remembered it, and finally get all three of them at once. "You know, the one I traded places with."

All I can do is laugh, as all three of their jaws drop and in one voice all three of them respond, "You promised not to tell!"

 **In case you've forgotten the joke, or haven't read Dauntless Gray, here are the quotes as a reminder as to what makes Hana laugh.**

 **Dauntless Gray** **Chapter 2 "Jump"**

 ** _"_** ** _I'm Leeann."_**

 ** _I start to bob my head at her when I realize that her extended hand is there for me to shake. I'm not in Abnegation where we would nod at each other, I'm Dauntless, and the sooner I start to shake hands, the better._**

 ** _I put my hand out to hers. Our hands touch, and she grabs mine. I try to match her for strength and speed. We pump hands once, twice, and I give her my name: "Hana."_**

 ** _She nods. "You traded places with Natalie."_**

 ** _I gawk at her with my mouth open. For some reason it never dawned on me that anyone else would see us as having traded places._**

 ** _"_** ** _Natalie was the girl before you."_**

 ** _"_** ** _I know," I say quickly, finding my voice. "I just never thought that anyone else would notice we traded places._** "

 ** _Leeann laughs. It is a light laugh, full of sunlight and open spaces. "Probably no one else did, but you see, Natalie and I became good friends this year. So when she left for Abnegation and the person next to her, who was from Abnegation came to Dauntless…" she lifts her shoulder to her ears, "I kind of took it as a sign that you and I will be friends like she and I were."_**

 ** _I smile. "I like that idea."_**

 ** _"_** ** _Good," she smiles a wide carefree smile that makes me think of someone, even though I'm not sure who. "Just don't tell Nick or Eli I said that you and Natalie traded places. They'll make fun of me forever if you do."_**

 **Dauntless Gray** **Chapter Five "Capture the Flag"**

 ** _We don't play around. We get in the pairs Tori assigned us and spread out to look for good areas to hide the flag. "I'm Nick," my partner holds out his hand for me to shake._**

 ** _I take a deep breath and shake his hand. As she promised, Leeann has been working with me on it. This is a moment of truth. "Hana," I say, shaking it with pretend confidence. "You're Leeann's brother, aren't you?"_**

 ** _He purses his lips to one side. "Is that a good thing?" he asks, noncommittally._**

 ** _I laugh. "Yes, we're friends."_**

 ** _"_** ** _Hana," he tries out my name softly to see if he can place me. Suddenly he smiles. His whole face lights up. It reminds me of someone, Leeann probably. He snaps his fingers. "You traded places with Natalie!"_**

 ** _Once again someone has noticed. Once again I'm speechless with surprise that they did._**

 ** _"_** ** _What?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Natalie was the Dauntless girl next to you who…"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Transferred to Abnegation," I finish for him. "Yes, I just never thought that anyone else would notice we traded places." I get the feeling I've had this conversation before, and what he says next reinforces that feeling._**

 ** _"_** ** _Probably no one else did, but Leeann was good friends with Natalie, and when she left for Abnegation and the next person was a girl from Abnegation who transferred to Dauntless," he shrugs, "I figured it was just a matter of time before the two of you became friends."_**

 ** _I smile. This sounds so familiar. I can almost guess what his next words will be._**

 ** _"_** ** _Just don't tell Leeann or Eli that I said you and Natalie traded places. They'll make fun of me forever if you do."_**

 ** _It's all I can do to stifle a laugh. "Wouldn't dream of it," I assure him._**

 **Dauntless Gray** **Chapter 10 "Zip Lining"**

 ** _Eli gives me an odd look. "Why do you want to do that?"_**

 ** _I shrug. The only reason I can come up with is the truth, so I tell it to him. "I've never been able to just look at the sky before."_**

 ** _"_** ** _I only know one other person who ever goes that way." He stares at me, and then snaps his fingers. "You're the Abnegation transfer."_**

 ** _I nod. I have the funniest feeling I know what he's about to say next._**

 ** _He grabs the next sling and sets it up for me. "You traded places with Natalie." He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. "She was the girl before you."_**

 ** _I have the strangest desire to laugh at this whole family. I know where this is going. Just to see if I am right, I nod and answer, "I know, I just never thought anyone else would notice that we traded places."_**

 ** _Eli laughs. "Probably no one else did, but she and Leeann were good friends," he shrugs. "I keep an eye on my cousin and her friends. What can I say?"_**

 ** _Well, at least there is a variation this time._**

 ** _"_** ** _I had a feeling you two would become friends." He holds out the sling. "Climb in." He holds out a hand to steady me._**

 ** _I don't want to touch his hand. I don't want him to touch me. But I can't get in without his help, so I take his hand. His touch causes me to stiffen for just a moment while that feeling courses through me. I don't look at him. I don't dare. I climb in, concentrating on every movement I make._**

 ** _"_** ** _Ready?" he finally asks. The odd tone in his voice makes me look up at him._**

 ** _I smile. "Ready."_**

 ** _He starts to push me, then stops just like he did with Leeann. "Hey, Stiff?"_**

 ** _I look at him again. "Yes?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Don't tell Nick or Leeann I said you traded places. They'll make fun of me forever if you do."_**

 ** _And before I can respond, he pushes me out into the sky. I'm sure my laughter carries back to him, but he has no reason to think it is anything except me enjoying the ride._**

 **The real Abilyn (the name-sake for the character) mentioned that a scene like this needed to happen back in Dauntless Gray, and I had always intended to do it, but the right moment for it never came up, until now.**


	52. Chapter 52- Complications

**Thank you all for continuing to stick with this story, especially those of you who take the time to review. I promise I read, reread, and appreciate each one. I've seen authors say it before, but reviews really are our pay here on FanFiction. So, for every one of you who has left me a review, thank you again for taking the time do do so. It is wonderful to hear that you continue to look forward to my little story.**

 **Thank you is also due to Bahrfamily for all of the time that she puts into each of these to help make sure they are edited better than when I try to do it myself!**

 **Uncle Samuel- (mentioned) Hana's uncle (Dad's brother) in Abnegation. He was mentioned** **briefly** **in an earlier chapter.**

 **Chapter 52** **Complications**

Uriah's "cough" is driving me crazy. Every time we go visit Abram, he comes back with this "cough." He's my sweet boy, and I understand that he wants to stay with his grandpa, but this pretend cough so that he can become Factionless like his grandpa has gotten old. It's been old ever since our second monthly visit to go bring Abram and Evan some supplies, and a year later, it's still old.

He coughs again as we walk through the Chasm. I wish there were some way to make a three-year-old understand that he doesn't really want to be Factionless, but the idea of getting to wear any color he wants and being with Grandpa all the time seems to have trumped the fact that there is no Dauntless Cake. Gritting my teeth, I ignore him as we walk through the Chasm. I've found that ignoring him makes the coughing stop sooner, but it's almost enough to make me want to stop taking him to see Abram.

A woman in blue with dark curly hair in a ponytail puts her hand on my arm. I look over at her and stop in my tracks as she tells me, "You really should make an appointment for your son's cough."

I glance at Uriah and Ezekiel. They are both staring at the woman in blue. After all the work I've done to discourage this with Uriah, it's about to be undone. I can tell. "I don't think it's that bad."

She clears her throat. "I'm headed to the infirmary now. Maybe you should come with me to see if they can work you in."

If I could think of a way to let her know I'll come by for something else while she is there, I would tell her no. I want to tell her that in about an hour, my son will forget to cough like his grandpa does, and it will all be better, but I can tell from her eyes that there is a reason that she desperately wants to see me. I check my watch. We're about on time, and Eli he knows it can be hard to drag the boys away from Abram, so he doesn't worry if we're running a little late. "My husband is expecting us back soon, but we'll come with you and see what we can do."

I haven't seen her in years, and the last time we spent any time together was because things were getting dangerous for her. She was almost caught transmitting to Natalie. I have both boys with me today. Marissa had better be careful about what she says around my boys, because after seeing what the Abnegation serum did to Amar, there is no way I'll give it to either of my sons.

* * *

"How are my spies?" Eli asks the boys as soon as we walk into the apartment.

The first time we went and saw Abram, the boys had to tell everyone about it, which caused a lot of raised eyebrows. After all, Faction before Blood extends to the Factionless. Eli created the "spy" game before we went to see Abram again. Every time before we leave, we remind them they are spies who are out to see what they can learn about a pretend Factionless invasion. Abram is in on the game and he and Evan, when he's around, help keep the game alive. The boys know that spies only tell their commander about what they have learned. We take turns being their commander. If Eli can't go with them, he's the commander. If he can go, we usually let Taylor play the part so she can hear about Abram from the boys.

Ezekiel walks up to Eli and salutes him. "Agent Grandpa was tired today. He said he was up late last night."

I head off to the bathroom to look over the note that Marissa handed me after she checked Uriah out and gave me a recipe for homemade cough syrup. My hands tremble as I open the sheet of paper. I expect the note to be worrisome.

But not as worrisome as it is.

 ** _I'm being watched. Please_** ** _send the following message._**

 ** _It looks like she's done it. She will_** ** _start trials in about a week. I have a copy. If you can be at_** ** _Lurie Garden tomorrow_** ** _at 4pm, I can give you a copy of the_** ** _new_** ** _test then._**

I send the message to Natalie, but I wonder: if Marissa is being watched, is it really a good idea for Natalie to meet her?

* * *

"Is he really as bad as Ezekiel makes him sound?" Eli asks as he pulls me onto his lap after I put the boys to bed.

I take a deep breath. I didn't hear what Ezekiel had to say, but I saw Abram today, and I know he didn't look good. I start with what I did hear Ezekiel tell him. "He was very tired."

A tiny fake cough sounds from the hallway. I don't have to look to know who it is. I look at Eli and roll my eyes. Uriah was so busy telling his dad about his meeting with Agent Grandpa that he forgot he was supposed to have a cough until now. "Uriah, why aren't you in bed?"

There's another fake cough. "I have a cough. I need my medicine," he explains seriously.

"What medicine?" Eli asks under his breath.

"I'll explain once I get him back in bed." I stand up. "Let's go to the kitchen. I have everything I need to make it there."

Uriah waits for me to get there and takes my hand. "I'm sicker, Mommy. I should stay with Agent Gran'pa," he tells me solemnly.

I pick him up and settle him on my hip as I carry him to the kitchen. I brush a kiss on his forehead, pretending to check for a fever. "I don't think you are that sick, and we have the new medicine to try on you."

"It doesn't work."

I set him on the counter and pull out the "recipe" that Marissa entrusted me with: Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, cinnamon. What is Marissa thinking? This is going to taste awful. I quickly turn away from Uriah with the excuse of putting everything together in a medicine cup, so he won't see me smile. Marissa is brilliant. That's the whole idea behind it. She told me to only use it on a cough like Uriah has, and that's because it is designed to taste bad and make him quit pretending to cough, not because it is supposed to help cure a cough.

I hear another fake cough from Uriah and turn around and hand him the cup. "Drink up."

Uriah makes a face at how bad it tastes. "It hurts my tongue, Mommy."

"I'm sorry that it makes your tongue hurt, but it will make your cough stop. We'll have to keep using it until it works," I tell him with a straight face.

Uriah's mouth changes from the round "I'm about to cough" look and he tells me sincerely, "It works!"

I kiss the top of his head and put him down on the ground. "I hope it does, too. Now let's get you back to bed."

Uriah's hand wraps around mine, and he snuggles up close. "I sleep better with you and Daddy."

I look at his big brown eyes that plead for more attention. It's hard to say no to him, but Eli and I have way too much to talk about tonight to have company. "You need your own bed." We go straight to his room and I tuck him in. "Good night, Buddy."

From there I take a quick side trip to check on Ezekiel. That boy will never learn how to sleep on a bed. One leg dangles off the edge, and his head is up against the wall. I shake my head and walk over to straighten him out just a little. I still think I did the right thing, talking Eli into moving his head against the wall after the night he fell out of bed four times. He still falls out of bed occasionally, but now it is monthly instead of at least once every night like it was before.

"Are both boys ok?" Eli asks me when I finally walk back in.

"Uriah's cough should be about over," I say with a smile as I sit back down on his lap. "I ran into Marissa today, and she created a cough syrup for Uri."

"That's not going to help. It's not a real cough." Eli sounds exasperated.

"She figured that out. The cough syrup does nothing." I grin. "Nothing but taste really bad."

Eli shakes his head. "You really think that is going to work?"

"I do. He told me the medicine makes his tongue hurt. I figure if I keep it up long enough, he'll stop, and if he doesn't, we'll just go back to ignoring it."

"Should I know Marissa?" Eli asks, his forehead puckering as he tries to place her.

"Marissa is the respiratory therapist from my smoke inhalation and Ezekiel's asthma." I'm pretty sure he doesn't know about her connection to Natalie, and I'd like to keep it that way. The problem is, with the message Marissa gave me and the response I got from Natalie shortly before I put the boys to bed, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep it that way.

"Oh, that's right." He looks relieved to be able to place her.

Part of me would like to grab onto this topic and keep it going as long as l can, just so I can avoid the two conversations we really need to have.

But putting it off won't change the fact that we need to discuss both of them.

"Do you want to talk about Abram or Natalie first?" I don't know which conversation I'm dreading more.

Evidently Eli agrees with me. "Neither. Can't we just forget about both of them for the night?" He cups my face in his hand his thumb tracing my cheek.

I lean in and kiss him. My lips barely leave his when I tell him what he's agreeing to. "We can, as long as you are okay with me doing something for Natalie tomorrow when I pick up Ezekiel." Picking up Ezekiel and sometimes one of the other kids is part of our cover for seeing Abram. We try to be random about it: sometimes we pick up Amar, sometimes Shauna, sometimes Ashley. We've even picked up Lauren and brought her home with us once or twice. Just a Dauntless hour or two with the kids, exploring the city. They all bring home exciting stories of new things they have tried on our wanderings. It makes a good cover for our missing time when we visit Abram.

Eli slowly pulls away. "Natalie first, then if I can handle it… we'll talk about Dad."

"Natalie needs me to meet someone in Millennium Park tomorrow," I tell him hesitantly.

"When?" Eli sounds like he has an idea of what I'm about to say.

"Right after I pick up Ezekiel and Amar from school." I bite my lip, waiting to hear what he has to say.

"So, you're supposed to meet someone with all three boys?" He sounds incredulous. "What is she thinking?"

"She doesn't know what she is asking me to do. She just found out about the meeting, and she would go herself, except her daughter has a doctor's appointment."

Eli is quiet for a moment. "It's pretty important?"

"Very important," I tell him solemnly.

"What is going on with Dad?" Eli surprises me by suddenly changing the topic.

I blink a couple of times, trying to change gears, then bite my lip trying to figure out how to tell Eli about our visit. "He was very tired today. He had his legs up when we got there, because his legs were very swollen. He put them down when we got there. I think he was trying to keep me from seeing it. And Evan was there…"

What Evan put Leeann and Nick through is inexcusable, but there is a tiny bit of good that has come from it. He's been Factionless for over a decade. He knows how to survive. He's also become our eyes and ears for all the things that Abram wants to hide from us.

There is a pause before Eli finally asks, "What did Evan tell you?"

Eli never gives him the title "uncle". He once told me that Evan forfeited that title when he abandoned Nick and Leeann. I take a deep breath. "Abram's cough is getting worse. According to Evan, he's trying to only use Dauntless rags when he needs to wipe his mouth after a coughing attack. The rest of them show blood."

Eli closes his eyes and holds me tight. I can only imagine what he is going through. Even if my parents go through this, it wouldn't be the way Abram is. Gayle or Isaac would take them in. They would be cared for, have plenty to eat, medical care. If they tried to refuse it, saying it is too selfish, my siblings would tell them it is more selfish for them not to. I know this, because I watched Dad and Uncle Samuel do that with their parents when Grandma had cancer.

Abram has none of that. He doesn't have much of anything, besides what we smuggle out when we make our clandestine visits. It helps that Natalie keeps an eye on him. She makes sure to see him or Evan every week. She gets him medications that we can't, and reports to me what is going on with him, but even she can only do so much. Even with her help, we can't take care of Abram the way that we could if he were still in Dauntless.

"We'll deputize Amar. I'll figure out the best way to explain this to Sultana. Where are you supposed to meet this contact?" he asks me.

"The garden in Millennium Park," I answer, puzzled again at the turn the conversation is taking.

Eli thinks for another minute. "That should work. Pick up the boys at school, remind them they are spies, take care of Natalie's errand as discreetly as you can, and meet me at Dad's. I want to see Dad and if the boys are deputized…"

"They can't tell about what they see. You're brilliant."

Eli grins at me then leans in and kisses me. "I know. I married you, after all."

* * *

"Remember, spies only tell their commander what they see when they are on a mission," I remind all three boys as I send them off to explore the park. "And Amar is in charge."

I watch the three boys as they scamper around looking for something to do. It doesn't take Ezekiel long to find the terrace walls to try to climb. As soon as Uriah sees what he is doing, he has to join him, and as expected, that starts a quarrel. Amar takes his position of being in charge seriously. I watch as he steps in and steers Uriah to a different section of wall to climb and walk on. It is shorter, which Uriah doesn't like. He thinks that since he is almost as tall as his older brother, he should be able to climb on a wall that is the same height. But Amar has a good dose of Jazz in him. He quickly points out to Uriah the benefits of his section of wall. The crisis, for the moment, is averted. But I feel the familiar sensation of danger that I sometimes get when I watch him. Amar is too Amity for his own good.

It doesn't take me long to spot Marissa. There is a boy about Ezekiel's age with her. He wears blue, like her, and I remember that she was pregnant when Ava "died." She must have had a boy. He has her dark hair that waves in places. He hands her a plant; when he sees me, he glares at me, making me feel like I shouldn't be here.

Marissa turns to see what he is looking at. Her face pales. Instantly I understand. She wasn't expecting to see me. She was expecting to see Natalie dressed in Erudite blue. There is nothing she can do with me in Dauntless black with her son there.

For a moment I wonder if we should just leave, but Uriah takes the possibility of just leaving away from me. He spots the pair at almost the same time I do and runs over to make a new friend. "Hi!" He holds out his hand to shake the new boy's hand. Marissa's son coolly looks Uriah up and down and then looks at his mom to see what he should do. Marissa clears her throat and with a slight tremor to her voice speaks to him. "Echinacea purpura is next on the list." Her son nods and takes off.

"Where are you going?" Uriah start to go after him.

"Buddy, he's here to learn, not explore." Something tells me not to use his name with the other boy around.

Uriah's face falls and then he turns to look at Marissa. I know the moment he recognizes her, because he gets a slightly panicked look to his face. "My cough is gone."

Marissa kneels down next to him. "That's good to hear. My boy is here for a Saturday school project. How about if you go play," she looks at me, not at him, "by that little ditch that has a ledge and some standing water in it, by the little bridge that has fallen. That looks like a good place to explore. That way you don't interrupt my son's lesson."

Uriah looks over and his eyes light up. It does look like a good place to explore. He takes off at a run. I want to call him back, to make him use his manners and say good-bye, but I can tell this interaction has already caused Marissa enough concern.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, for more than just my son interrupting her son's learning time.

"You didn't realize." She turns away and walks away, but after about three paces, she turns back to me. "Under the bridge could be dangerous. I hope he stays away from that." Then she walks back to her son. I hear her voice carry one more time. "Close, that is an Echinacea, but that is pallida, not purpura."

I turn over her last comment in my mind while I walk over to keep an eye on Uriah, since he's wandered away from Amar and Ezekiel. "Under the bridge could be dangerous…under the bridge could be dangerous…" I mutter to myself. Suddenly I smile. I know where she's hidden the drive. We may not be able to talk, but I know where to find what she wanted to give Natalie.

* * *

"Hana!" Evan catches me in a side street just before the building that he and Abram live in.

He's lost weight since Abram started living here. I vaguely remember my impression of him that first time I saw him, on Leeann's Nuptials Day. When we moved Abram out, in the middle of the night, he fit my memory. Now, he looks even thinner, and his hair is starting to show streaks of gray. I wonder for the first time how much of this is due to having Abram with him. I look over at the boys. "Go on in," I encourage them and watch as they walk into the doorway.

"Do you know what is going on with Natalie?" He sounds worried.

"No, I really don't have any contact with her. It was Leeann that told her about Abram." That was a set up, but except for Eli and me, no one in the family realizes that I was really the one who asked Natalie to help. At least, I thought no one else in the family knew that.

Evan massages his temples with his fingers and thumb. "The one person I don't want to ask for a favor," he mumbles.

"What's going on? Maybe I can ask Leeann for you," I offer, curious as to why Evan needs to get a message to Natalie.

"Natalie hasn't been here in over a week. We're out of Abram's medicine, or at least we will be after tonight. I kept thinking she would show up, so I didn't mention it to anyone." Evan looks up at me, his eyes filled with concern and hinting of tears. "My brother needs that medicine, Hana. Do you think Leeann can get a message to her?"

"I'll see what we can do," I promise Evan as I mentally start composing a note to Natalie. A new thought shatters my peace when I remember Beatrice had a doctor's appointment today. I wonder if she is really ill and that's why Natalie hasn't been around.

"Thank you." Evan's voice is a choked whisper. I hear him clear his throat. "He's weak enough as it is. I'm worried about what will happen if he doesn't have his medicine. Most people who are sick don't last as long around here as he has."

 **Back when Marissa was pregnant, I mentioned that her son is a canon character. We'll find out pretty soon exactly who he** **is, but** **does anyone have any guesses? If you want to guess in a review or if you don't want to guess but you leave a review anyway, I'll send you** **a POV.** **Oddly enough** **,** **it's not someone who is in this** **chapter, but** **rather it's Marissa's husband that has a few things** **to add to the story.**


	53. Chapter 53 - Consequences

**Thank you to everyone who took the time to review the last chapter. Several of you guessed** **correctly** **who Marissa's son is. Congratulations!**

 **To those of you that reviewed** **,** **I also enjoyed your responses to the POV! It was interesting to find out what you think about the insider information you acquired with it. Some of what you learned will be coming up, but enjoy your heads up on what to look for.**

 **Now, I want to take a brief moment to answer a question I've received in reviews and PM's recently. The question has been posed as to why Hana won't see her parents again.**

 **From** ** _Four: The Traitor_**

 ** _I walk through the Pit, dodging tearful reunions and shrieks of laughter. Families can always come together on Visiting Day, even if they're from different factions, but over time, they usually stop coming. "Faction before blood," after all._**

 **I created a bit of a "rule" in The Blackest Shade of Gray**

 ** _Chapter 1 Dauntless And Abnegation_**

 ** _Before we take off, I look at again at my family one more time, the family that I left behind. There is an ache in my heart. Getting married changes things with them again. No longer can I expect them to show up and see me on Visiting Day. When we- if we have kids- I'm expected go see them if I'm pregnant on Visiting Day, to let them know they are going to be grandparents, and then I am to take their grandchild one time so the grandparents can see him or her, and then that is it. After that, in order to "protect" the child from even knowing about their parent's original faction, I'm not supposed to have any more contact with them._**

 ** _I might see Gayle or Isaac after that, if they decide to come on Visiting Day to let me know when our parents are dead._**

 **I came up with the idea that it worked that way since neither Tris nor Four seem to know that their parents were transfers. If there was still visiting going on between the Factions it seems like they would have realized that their parents weren't from Abnegation. I decided to formalize the timeline for losing contact instead of keeping it the nebulous "over time". It seemed like if they really do try to keep with "Faction before Blood", that by the time the kids are born** **,** **it would be safer to** **stop visiting** **.**

 **I hope** **that helps explain where it came from.**

 **Chapter** **53 Consequences**

"I know. I know," Natalie starts before I even get the door shut. "I met with Evan right before I came here. I'm sorry, Hana. I got them the medication today."

I sag against the door as I close it. "Thank you."

"I didn't mean to worry you like that. I didn't mean to worry anyone like that, it's just… things are happening. Too many things are happening right now, too quickly." Natalie looks tired.

"What's going on?" I can't seem to keep myself from asking.

"The biggest thing that's happening is what you are holding, Jeanine's new aptitude test. She's been keeping it on her computer that we can't access. No one knows what it look like, and we need to." Natalie sounds worried.

I pull the drive out of my pocket. "I think my appearance concerned Marissa," I confess.

"She's pretty jumpy these days. She never could seem to remember not to leave her tablet on for too long. They almost found her again. She's just not as careful as you are. I try not to use her more than I need to, but there are some things I just have to have someone in Erudite for," Natalie explains.

"Like this drive?" I hand it over to Natalie.

Her bright green eyes shine with victory. "Like this drive. There is no way you could have gotten it for me, but I have to have it, Hana. We have to have it before she starts using it, so we know what we are up against before they make the change."

* * *

"Uncle Nick!" Ezekiel and Uriah both drop their cards and push their chairs back from the table. I start to yell at them to come back, since Sultana, Kamil, and Amar are playing with us tonight, but something stops me. Although Nick smiles at their exuberance, the smile doesn't reach his eyes.

Eli notices it, too, and stands as well. He walks over to the boys and with a hand on each one of their shoulders, he steers them back to the table with the overturned chairs. "Go pick up your chairs."

The boys race back to their places while there is a quick whispered consultation between Nick and Eli. Before either of the boys can race back to Nick, Eli heads our way. "Is everything okay?" Sultana asks. Evidently I'm not the only one to notice that something seems off.

Eli's smile doesn't reach his eyes, either. "Nick just needs me to stop by Mom's with him." He leans down and kisses me. "Go on ahead and deal me out."

I want to ask him what is going on, but before I can make a move to walk him to the door, Ezekiel is by his side. "I want to go see Grandma."

Eli puts a hand on Ezekiel's shoulder and kneels so they are the same height. His voice is soft, to keep everyone from here from hearing him. "It's not that I wouldn't love to have you come with us, but this is a mission."

Ezekiel hangs his head and his shoulders fall. "And I'm not in it."

"That's right. I need you here." Eli tips Ezekiel's head up so he is looking at his dad's eyes again. "You know you're the man of the house while I'm gone. I need you to take care of your mom and Uriah until I get back."

Ezekiel squares his shoulder and nods briskly at his dad. "You can count on me."

Eli stands up. "I know I can."

Ezekiel sits down after the door closes and looks very seriously at Uriah and me. I try to hide a grin. I've seen this before: he's protector mode. Until Eli gets home or I force Ezekiel to go to bed, he'll keep an eye on both Uriah and me.

Kamil takes a look around the table. "I have a better idea." He leans in conspiratorially towards the boys. "Does your mom know how to make cookies?"

"Yes, but she doesn't make them often," Ezekiel informs him.

"Do you think we could talk Hana and Sultana into making cookies, and I'll teach you a game your dads and Nick used to play with your grandpa and me when they were a little older than the three of you?" Kamil finishes with a smile.

"Mom!" My boys look at me pleadingly, while Amar says "Grandma!" and looks just as pleadingly at Sultana.

Sultana and I exchange a look, before I shake my head at the four of them with a smile and push away from the table. "Teach them your game. We'll be in the kitchen."

"Chocolate chip cookies, please. Not oatmeal raisin!" Ezekiel calls when we are almost to the kitchen.

"I don't have any chocolate chips," I retort.

"No chocolate chips?" Amar's horrified voice carries to me. "How can you have cookies without chocolate chips?"

"Oatmeal raisin," Uriah says simply, as if that settles it.

"We usually have oatmeal raisin," Ezekiel confirms.

"Grandma!" Amar calls out.

"I'm on it, Amar!" Sultana calls back and steers me towards the front door. "We have chocolate chips at our place. We'll use those."

The last thing I hear Kamil telling the boys as we open the door is, "The name of the game is five card draw."

"I'll replace the chocolate chips the next time I go shopping," I tell Sultana. "I just never think to pick them up."

"Hana, you will do no such thing," Sultana tells me as we head across the hall and three doors down to the apartment they moved into about a year after Rais and Jazz died. "I'm not sure you will ever understand how much you and Eli have helped us through the last few years. The pair of you have always been there any time we've needed something. The least I can do is supply you with a few chocolate chips for the cookies my grandson will eat his fair share of!"

* * *

The click of the door closing wakes me up from my nest on the couch. "Eli?"

Eli walks over to me and chides me in a whisper, "It's after midnight! Why aren't you in bed?"

"After Sultana's family left and I put the boys to bed, I thought you would be home soon. I didn't mean to fall asleep out here." I move over so there is room for him on the couch.

Eli eyes the blankets I was covering myself with meaningfully. "Sure, you didn't."

"How's your dad?" I ask quickly to take the focus off of me.

Eli sits down and wraps me in a hug. "Dad is fine. It's Evan."

"What's wrong with Evan?" I ask, mildly concerned, thinking about how thin he has looked recently.

"He fell and broke his arm. There's no medical care. It's not straight, and there's no way to get it set." Eli rubs a hand over his face. "There's an Abnegation lady who comes around sometimes; rumor is she's from Erudite and has a little medical training. Dad described her as olive skinned, dark curly hair and dark eyes, but no one is sure of her name or how to get ahold of her." Eli looks at me hopefully.

A broken arm isn't much in a Faction, but when I was a child in Abnegation, I saw firsthand that broken bones were serious to someone who is Factionless. Evan's ability to take care of himself, let alone help Abram, will be severely diminished with a broken arm that isn't set properly. I think for a minute of anyone I know who could be the mystery woman, but no one immediately comes to mind. "How old is she?"

"About our age," Eli says hopefully.

"I'm guessing she's my age or younger. I'm sorry, I don't recognize her by the description," I admit.

"It was a long shot." Eli lapses into silence, concern about both Evan and his father written on his face.

"Is everything okay?" Ezekiel stands in the hallway, his water gun held waist high in one hand. He sees his father, and his hand drops to his side. "I heard voices."

"I'm back, Zeke." Eli's voice is a little choked up, realizing how seriously Ezekiel takes his instruction to watch over Uriah and me. "You can go back to bed now. I'm back."

Ezekiel pauses for a second, but doesn't turn back to bed like I expect him to. Instead he walks up to us and timidly asks, "Is Grandpa okay?"

Eli pulls Ezekiel onto the couch between us. "Grandpa is fine. It's Agent Evan who was hurt."

The boys have never been informed of their relationship to Evan. They only know him as Grandpa's co-agent.

"What happened?" Ezekiel asks concerned.

"He broke his arm."

"Will he go see Bekah?" Ezekiel asks innocently.

It hasn't been intentional, but evidently, in our effort to keep them from worrying about Grandpa, we haven't made them aware of what it means to be Factionless. I put my arms around Ezekiel. "You know things are different for Grandpa and Agent Evan."

"Yes." Ezekiel cuddles up with me, like he realizes he doesn't want to hear what I'm going to say.

"There's no infirmary for Agent Evan to go to," I tell him gently.

"But if it was Grandpa, he'd be able to come back to Dauntless to go the infirmary, right?" Ezekiel looks from me, to Eli, and back again.

Eli's eyes close when he realizes that Ezekiel is looking at me and not him. I swallow hard. "Grandpa _was_ Dauntless. He's not anymore."

I watch Ezekiel's face as what I said registered. "But Grandpa…"

"We'll do everything we can to take care of Grandpa and Agent Evan." Eli's voice is more confident than he feels. "Now, as much as I appreciate you getting up to make sure Mom was okay when you heard voices, you need to get to bed."

Ezekiel tries to hide a yawn. "But I'm not tired."

Eli smiles at me. "Come on, bed time." He stands up and leans over to give Ezekiel a piggy back ride to bed.

While Eli get him back to bed, I ponder the idea of how to get Evan help. About the time Eli returns, a possibility comes to me. My voice is soft to keep it from carrying to Ezekiel's room. "Andrew came from Erudite."

"Andrew? Who is Andrew?" Eli asks.

"Andrew is Natalie's husband," I remind him.

"Just because he came from Erudite doesn't mean…"

"I know, but his father is Doctor Anthony and that makes Marion his grandmother," I explain.

"How do you know… Never mind, I don't want to know. Do you think…?" Eli looks hopeful for the first time since he left with Nick.

"If we don't ask, we won't know."

* * *

Eli knows I'm not coming straight home from work. He isn't happy with the fact that I am meeting with Natalie two times in as many weeks, but it helps that she's coming to Dauntless. It also helps that Andrew _does_ know how to set a broken bone, and he did set Evan's.

I tell Eli because I want to make sure he knows he can trust me on this, since I don't get off work until well after midnight and he will be sound asleep when we meet. If I hadn't told him, he wouldn't even know we were meeting.

It surprises me to see the light off in Natalie's old room. I'm running just a little late, and I find it hard to believe that I beat Natalie to her old room, but I realize as I flip on the light that I must have.

"She's dead."

I jump at the sound of Natalie's voice. It's thick and sluggish. It sounds nothing like her.

"Natalie?" I check to makes sure it is her, and not some unknown person telling me that Natalie is dead.

Her feet kick up and down and the hand holding the brown bottle peeks above the chair. "Right here!"

I slowly cross to the coffee table and perch on the edge. "Who's dead?" I sound like an Amity near a wounded animal.

Natalie lifts her head and takes a swig for the bottle. "Marissa."

My mouth opens and closes, but no sound comes out. I sit there, stunned. Marissa, who I first met when I had smoke inhalation before Eli and I were married… who took care of Ezekiel when he had asthma due to the kitten… who I met while she was with her son to get a hard drive for Natalie and who has been our eyes and ears in Erudite. Marissa is dead. "What happened?" I ask in a stunned whisper.

"I killed her." Natalie attempts to take another drink, but she spills more of it on herself than in her mouth.

"Natalie." My voice is sharper than I intend, but evidently that is what she needs. She puts the bottle on the floor and sits up, although her elbows are planted on her knees and her head cradled in her hands. "Jeanine found her."

I sit up straighter. "How?"

"The Aptitude Test. I knew once Jeanine finished it that she was going to retest part of Erudite. I didn't pull out Marissa. I misjudged it. I figured being the wife of one of the Top Ten would keep her from being tested. I didn't get her out." Natalie looks at me, her green eyes dull with pain and bright with unshed tears.

"It's not your fault," I assure her.

"It is!" Natalie explodes to a standing position. "I knew! I _knew_ she was Divergent. I knew Jeanine has been behind the deaths of the Divergent, and I didn't get her out!"

"Natalie, you aren't responsible," I assure her again.

"You don't know everything!" Natalie spits out.

Long minutes tick by as I wait patiently for her to continue.

Her eyes dart all around the room, taking in each part of it and yet none of it as she prepares herself for whatever it is she needs to tell me. "He killed her!"

"Who killed her?" I ask, puzzled at the lack of subject.

"Her husband, Steven. He killed her on Jeanine's orders," she fills me in with a choked whisper.

"How?" I ask, horrified.

"With a knife. He stabbed her with a knife, multiple times. Their son…" she takes a deep shuddering breath, then repeats the last two words. "Their son walked in moments after he put down the bloody knife and picked up her body. The boy was hysterical for a moment. Then Steven put Marisa's body down and told him that a Divergent had broken into their home and killed his mother. That he had chased him off, but not before…"

I think for a moment of the young boy I saw that day with Marissa gathering flowers for his homework at the park. He's Ezekiel's age. His mother has been ripped from him, and he's been lied to about what happened. I am speechless, unsure of what to say. It suddenly dawns on me that I don't even know the child's name. "What is her son's name?"

"Eric," Natalie breathes; her shoulders shake with sobs. I wrap my arms around her and let her cry, unsure of what else to do.

* * *

Sometimes I'm surprised by Tori. Her presence with our group is sporadic at best. She may sit with us for three or four meals in a row, and then we may not see her for another month or two. The kids love it when she is here. They seem to think that eating with one of the tattoo artists is a big deal. The three oldest, especially, vie to sit by her at those meals she decides to sit with us.

But she always shows up for Feast Day. Most years she just finds a spot to eat by herself. She barely acknowledges anyone else being there, but she still joins us every year. It makes me wonder if her other friends don't think to include her, or if it is just that Feast Day will always belongs to us. Not many in our group from initiation still eat the entire meal with us, but everyone does seem to show up at some point in time to eat a quick bite of something and say hi. As I finish getting my first helping, I look around the crowded room. I chew on my lip for a moment, watching her eat alone. Taylor's apartment really is too full for this conversation, but Uriah is sitting on Taylor's lap while she holds his plate for him to eat off of. Ezekiel sits on the floor with Amar, at Eli's and Kamil's feet. The conversation between the four of them looks to be lively, with chatty Ezekiel at the center of it. My fears for Lower Levels have were completely founded. I probably get a note at least once a week from his teacher telling me he's been talking too much in class.

No one is paying attention to Tori. Hopefully, if I keep a look out, I can safely have the conversation Natalie has been encouraging me to have with her ever since Marisa's death two months ago. I plaster a smile on my face and take my food over to Tori. "Do you mind if I join you?"

Tori looks up from her plate and shakes her head. When she finishes her bite, she adds, "Have a seat."

I sit next to her, wondering what is going to be the best way to start our conversation. I take a bite of mashed potatoes as I try to think of a way to start.

"How's Taylor doing?" Tori surprises me by starting our conversation.

"She's fine," I respond, wondering where this question is coming from.

"She seems to be, but I know the holidays after you lose someone can be hard. I didn't know if she really was or not." Tori's sentence gives me an idea of where to start.

"She's better today than last year. It's the second year without him. But we learned last year that as long as we keep her busy and the boys are nearby, she does okay. The boys help her remember why she stayed." I don't dare mention to Tori that we still see Abram. It's a family secret that only Natalie and my Abnegation family knows. We'll actually take all the leftover food to Abram and Evan tomorrow.

"Holidays are rough. No matter how many years it has been. And when they are taken from you before they should be…" Tori's voice starts to take on the bitter edge she developed right after George died. "It's even harder."

"How are you doing?" I ask timidly.

"Better than the first year. I still wish I knew how to get back at them for killing him." She keeps her voice low.

I take a moment to measure my words. "Start by keeping them from killing anyone else." I hope my voice comes off as nonchalant. Like it's something that just came to me instead of something I've been planning on leading into for a month now.

Tori snorts. "How do you propose I do that?"

I take a deep breath. This is the tricky part, the time for half-truths. "Leeann told us that Jeanine has created a new Aptitude Test that they will use starting this year."

Tori shakes her head. "Jeanine has her hand in everything, doesn't she? Her fear simulation had something to do with George's death. I know it did." I watch her hand clench her fork.

"If it did, and if her Aptitude Test is designed to do the same thing, there needs to be someone out there to protect the Divergent who go through the test." I pause, letting this soak in.

Absently Tori sets her plate on her lap and starts tracing the tattoo of the river that I put on her arm. "The Abnegation will volunteer," she murmurs, "but someone is going to have to volunteer to test the Abnegation. "

* * *

"She did beautifully!" Natalie whispers to me joyfully when we meet on the bridge by the Merciless Mart, the day after the Choosing Ceremony. Her eyes sparkle, but the presence of her children picking up trash nearby and the Candor woman with her young daughter force her to keep her reaction down as much as possible.

I smile back. "I figured she would."

"Erin's family is known Divergent on both sides for a couple of generations. Tori marked her as non-simulation aware, even though when Tori asked Erin, she admitted that she was aware. Tori warned her never to tell anyone that she was aware. She did do one thing I wish she hadn't done. She did tell Erin that she is Divergent," Natalie finishes.

I stand frozen in place as, in true Candor fashion, the dark skinned woman repeats what she heard. "Divergent. What is Divergent?"

Natalie looks at me, barely concealed horror on her features. How could we have been so careless as to not realize how close the woman and her daughter have gotten to us? We are both quiet, trying to figure out how we are going to answer her.

"What do you mean by Divergent?" Her voice holds curiosity and determination. We will have to tell her something.

Honesty. We must answer her with enough honesty that she will believe what we tell her. We must tell her this in a way that will protect the Divergent, a way that will make an entire faction hide them. A Faction that prides itself on honesty will need to eventually be willing to lie for them. That is what it will take to keep them safe from Jeanine. Natalie seems unable to say anything, so I speak up first. "They are people with special powers. They are people who can save our city."

Her brown eyes grow wide. "Christina, why don't you go over with the other children?" She points her daughter over to where Beatrice is sitting down and Caleb continues picking up trash nearby them.

"The Divergent will keep them safe." Natalie joins our conversation with a nod toward the children.

"How?" Christina's mother asks.

"They fit into more than one Faction. For example, they may be both honest and peaceful," Natalie replies.

The woman's dark curls bounce as she nods. "I can see where that could be helpful." Her brow puckers for a moment. "Can they be controlled?"

I take a deep breath to give myself a moment to think about how to answer her. "Can you be controlled?"

"Under truth serum, yes. When I am under truth serum, the truth controls what I am able to say," she responds.

Not the answer I was expecting. I look over at Natalie to make sure she knows I'm expecting her to field this one.

Then suddenly the answer hits me. I'm not sure it is true, but I'm not sure it is a lie either. "That is part of their strength. They don't need to be controlled by serums. They have those characteristics and pride themselves on the ability to be more than one thing at a time." I think of George and Rais and how they could reason out problems and turn around and bravely face a new situation with that information. I think of Jazz and how peaceful she remained when she faced danger.

The woman's brown eyes grow wide with awe. "These people with special powers, these Divergent, who do they need to be protected from?"

Natalie stands straight and give her the only answer she can. "Anyone who wants to destroy them."

 **I hope you enjoyed the quick** **cameos of Eric and Christina, in this chapter and the last. Eric will be back again. I don't know that Christina will be. There are also at least two more of our friends from the real Divergent world who will be putting in brief appearances in our story. Watch for them! Anyone want to guess who they are?**


	54. Chapter 54 - Snake

**The notifications on Chapter 53 didn't work when I published it. I tried to contact everyone who follows/favorites this story to make sure they were aware** **. If I missed you, I'** **m sorry. A few of you don't have PM and I may have missed a couple of you as I was going through. I tried not to, but I'm only human.**

 **With that said, if you haven't read** **C** **hapter 53, you may want to go back a chapter and do that, before you read this chapter.**

 **Bahrfamily and I** **both give you our sincerest apologies on how late this chapter is. I've had two week** **-** **long vacations and packed my husband off for to school in another state, since the last chapter was published, and** **Bahrfamily has been dealing with** **a weeks-long migraine** **, all of which have** **delayed this.**

 **Hopefully we are back on track and Chapter** **55** **will be out** **more quickly** **!**

 **Characters- yeah, I haven't left a list in awhile, but there are a few characters from earlier in the story I thought I should put in here as reminder.**

 **Danika- Dauntless nurse, trainer, she was a close friend of George. She understands that she needs to hide people who are aware during the simulations.**

 **Renee- the other trainer. Natalie believes that she is a spy from Erudite.**

 **Steven- Marisa's husband, making him Erik's father.**

 **Lucas- a Divergent that Hana and Natalie got out earlier in the story.**

 **Chapter 54 Snake**

Last year I didn't see Tori before she headed off to administer the Aptitude Test to half of the sixteen year old Abnegations. This year, she joins us for breakfast before she heads off to the school. She sits next to me, not Abilyn. I immediately notice what she is wearing and understand the significance of it. To the average person, like Bekah or Carly, it doesn't draw attention or mean anything. To me, it is her promise to George that she has not forgotten him, her pledge to him that she will keep it from happening to others, and her reminder to herself as to why she is ready to leave hours before she normally would even be awake. The black jeans and t-shirt mean nothing. It's the blazer, the jacket that she and George passed back and forth to see eachother when he was in training and she wears today, that tells me everything I need to know. Any Abnegation who is Divergent that Tori tests is in safe hands. She'll protect them.

* * *

I look over the note one more time before I send it to Natalie.

 ** _I f_** ** _ound out today that Danika was sick yesterday and today. Renee did the first two days of testing. We may have to do something this year._**

* * *

Her response is troubling.

 ** _Keep a watch out for an Amity named Paul. He's related to Jazz on his father's side. I'll let you know if I see or hear anything._** ** _Please do_** ** _the same._**

* * *

 ** _Renee is watching him like a cat watches a mouse._**

* * *

 ** _Can you meet me tomorrow at one AM at my old room? We have plans to make._**

* * *

Giving Eli a light kiss, I slip out of bed at a quarter to one. He doesn't stir, but he knows where I am going, so if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he will know where I am. I slept in sweatpants and a t-shirt tonight, so all I need to do is slip on my shoes and I'll be ready to go. After a quick peek in on each of the boys, a moment to straighten Ezekiel up in his bed and another to cover Uriah back up, I slip out of the apartment.

It's the first time we've had to get someone out of Dauntless since Danika took over the fear simulations, and I wonder: if she hadn't gotten sick at the wrong time, would we be meeting tonight?

The lights are already on when I get to Natalie's old room, but she isn't lounged in the chair like she normally is. This time she is at the kitchen table, sitting backwards on the chair. Tension is etched on her face.

"Is everything okay?" I ask as I join her at the table.

"It's just so hard to know what to do, to know what the right answer is." She plants her elbows on the table and cradles her forehead in her hands. "I don't want to tip Jeanine off by pulling out people if we don't have to, but…I can't risk another Marisa. I just don't think I can do it again." A couple of tears slip from her eyes. "I didn't do anything, and she's dead."

"How's her son?" I ask timidly. I've worried about him, worried about how he is doing without a mother and being raised by a murderer.

Natalie takes a deep breath. "Steven is raising him to hate the Divergent. He is poisoning him with lies about who they are and what they can do. He reminds him, almost daily, of what they did to his mother."

"That's awful." It is, but it is more than awful. I just don't know how to convey that.

"It is worse than that. Jeanine has taken a personal interest in him. He spends time with her alone in her private lab. Who knows what is happening in there?" Natalie finishes softly.

We are both silent, both lost in our thoughts about Eric and the life he has had since his mother's death.

"I don't know about any of the other factions, but we haven't pulled anyone out of Dauntless in years. Not since the train crash," I say softly, bringing us back to the matter at hand.

"It's been quiet for a couple of years," Natalie agrees. "But there needs to be a reason he would kill himself or it just attracts more notice. We've learned over the years when we have pulled people out that we need the motivation behind someone committing suicide or there are too many questions."

For a moment, I am stumped. I think about everything I know about Paul and his class, and it isn't much. There's no Jazz, no reason to sit close to them. Since Natalie's message, I've watched him from across the cafeteria. There is a red-head he sits next to at meals. I saw them at the Chasm. Wait! No, he _used_ to sit next to her. He sat next to her every day, every meal, for the first couple of weeks, but this week he sat on the other end of the table, and the red-head sat next to another boy in her class. She was at the Chasm with the other boy last night, too. Walking to put up my dishes last night, I overheard Danika complain to Renee that she wished they wouldn't start dating until after Initiation. When I'm confident in my observation, I exclaim, "His girlfriend broke up with him!"

Startled, Natalie raises her head and looks up at me. "What?"

"I'm pretty sure Paul's girlfriend broke up with him earlier this week. I saw her and another guy at the Chasm the last couple of nights. Paul isn't taking it well. Renee told Danika she was afraid he would do something stupid."

Natalie looks at me with a determined gleam in her green eyes. "Jumping into the chasm would be stupid, wouldn't it?"

I feel the barest smile on my lips. "Jumping into the Chasm would be very stupid," I agree.

* * *

The guilt doesn't trouble me the day of Paul's funeral, not like it did at Lucas's, or George's and nothing like the day after the train accident.

But after all of those deaths with the train accident, the unknown number of people who _really_ died, the damage done to Marley's face, and Amar's memory loss… I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this time that Natalie and I have done the right thing. Paul may be dead in our city, but he lives on somewhere beyond the fence.

And that _is_ worth all of Dauntless thinking he is dead.

* * *

I shift the backpack on my shoulder as I push open the doorway to Abram and Evan's place. Usually, Abram is seated on the broken down couch, waiting for us when we get here, but today his place is empty. There is a worn black blanket with blue and yellow patches in a heap by his corner of the couch. "Abram? Evan?" I call out, worried about what it might mean if neither of them is here.

A man a little older than me walks out of the hallway. "Can I help you?" He wipes his hands on a yellow towel, then sticks it in his back pocket.

"Where are Abram and Evan?" Fear grips my heart.

"Who wants to know?" He sounds suspicious.

We're getting nowhere trading questions. One of us is going to have to be brave and give the other some information before we go any further. "I'm Abram's daughter-in-law. Where is he?"

He looks at me warily for a moment and then gives a brisk nod, like he's decided to trust me. "You're early. Abram will be out in a minute. I was helping him clean up before you got here. Evan should be back momentarily."

I bite my lip, wondering if I dare to ask who he is, and why he's helping Abram, when Abram shuffles his way into the room. "Hana!" His voice is weak, but he sounds excited to see me. He looks around for a second. "Where are those boys?"

"They're coming. Eli was running late, and Ezekiel wouldn't leave without Dad, and Uri wouldn't come without Ezekiel…" I trail off at the end of my explanation.

"Ah, the age of hero worship." Abram sits on the couch with a sigh of relief. "Do you ever wonder…"

At first I'm puzzled by the way his sentence trails off, but then I see the tears in his eyes and I realize he's thinking about our Angel. Had she lived she would be seven now. "Often."

The stranger picks this time to clear his voice and speak again. "I take it you'll have company until Evan gets back."

"Yes. Thank you for your help," Abram tells him.

"I'll be just down the hall if you need me." He walks down the hall he indicated.

I wait until he's out of sight before I ask the question I'm dying to know the answer to. "Who is he?"

"There's another Abnegation angel, besides Natalie. This one only comes around after dark, but she hasn't just been helping us, she's been organizing all of us. She found out about how long I've managed to survive here and talked to Evan and me about it. She's taking us as a small scale model and encouraging everyone to form our own communities. We've added a couple to our group already."

"The guy who was here?" I ask hesitantly.

Abram pauses to take a drink before he answers. "He's one of them. He… he used to work in the ambulances. He has some medical training. She thought he should be with me in case I need anything."

"And there are more?" Suddenly I wonder if Abram and Evan are going to get all the food they need if they have to share what we bring with too many more. We really can't sneak out much more than we do.

"There are, but don't worry. Natalie and Isaac have started organizing more help for us. There is a nearly regular food distribution from the Abnegation now. That's where Evan is right now, picking up rations for himself and me. Evan doesn't like me to be alone, so one of the people in our group always stays with me when he does things like this." I notice Abram doesn't use names. I wonder if that is intentional.

"This lady who comes at night, she's Abengation, right?" I want to see if Abram can give me any clues to help me figure out who she is.

"Yes." His answer is short.

"What's her name?" I ask point blank.

Abram mutters, "I've never been good with names. Her first name escapes me. Her surname is Johns, Jones, Johnson - yes, Johnson, if that helps any."

"No, I don't know her." Either she is a transfer, or my family didn't hang around with the Johnsons. I'm thinking she's a transfer.

"She's got grand plans, that one." Abram's chuckle turns into a cough.

I watch, concerned as he pulls out a black rag and presses it to his lips. When his coughing jag is over I ask him, "Are you alright?"

For a moment he looks at me, almost like he's trying to decide if he is going to tell me the truth or not. "I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to want you to bring the boys around."

I look at him in disbelief. I can't believe he doesn't want his grandsons around.

He must read it in my face. "It's not that I don't want to see my grandsons. It's just, I'm getting worse. I don't want them to remember me the way I'll be at the end."

I think about my own grandpa. The last time I saw him, I was a little older than Ezekiel, maybe ten or eleven. He was a skeleton, unable to eat from the chemo, barely functioning. It was selfish for me to stay away when I could comfort him. It was selfish of him to want me there.

It's the dilemma of the Abnegation. If it is selfish not to help someone, and yet helping them forces them to accept the help, what is the best option? My family decided that since we kids needed to learn selflessness, Grandpa was going to have to deal with us being there for him.

* * *

"If this kitchen is not cleaned up to my satisfaction, _no one_ is going to Lynn's birthday party tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?" I look from Ezekiel, to Uriah, to Eli and back to our sons. I want Eli to understand that even though everyone agrees he didn't do anything to create the mess in my kitchen, I was at work. This happened on his watch. I hold him responsible.

The boys look at Eli, hoping that their father will give them some type of a reprieve. Lynn's birthday party is set to be the most awesome birthday party ever, and no one wants to miss it.

Abilyn's announcement of Lynn's party caused all of us parents look at her like she's crazy and groan. On the other hand, all of the kids got impossibly excited. As the oldest in that age group, Lynn has the first birthday, and it feels like they are setting the bar impossibly high for the rest of us. "Lynn's the middle child," Abilyn defended what they were doing. "She gets lost sometimes between Shauna and Hector. She's been going through a tough time lately, feeling a little forgotten. Taking her and her friends to Lincoln Park to play Capture the Flag is a way to let her know she matters."

The boys look pleadingly at Eli. Capture the Flag at the abandoned zoo: they don't want to miss that. Eli clears his throat. "You heard your mother. If you want to go to that party, you'd better get busy. I need to talk to your mom and then I'll come help you."

Both boys brighten up at the prospect of Eli helping them.

Eli leads me to the family room and sets me on his lap, although he can tell from my posture that I'm not happy with him. "I'm sorry. They were being so quiet, that I really thought they were…"

I can't stop myself from interrupting him with a laugh and a shake of my head. "Really, Eli?" We've been parents for over eight years now, and you still haven't figured out that when they are being quiet, they are up to something? I'd rather have them bickering with each other than have everything be totally quiet."

"You're right. You're right. I should have known something was going on. I just never figured they were destroying your kitchen. Will you forgive me?" He hangs his head and looks up at me, imitating Uriah when he knows he's in trouble.

I can't stop myself from smiling as I shake my head at him. Eli takes that as a good sign and leans in to kiss me. I find myself kissing him back. I'm not sure how long we kiss before I hear the first voice. "Eeuww, gross!" I open my eyes and see Uriah walking away.

"Go to the Chasm." Ezekiel rolls his eyes. "I bet you two spent a lot of time there when you were dating."

Eli and I pull away and laugh. Eli is the one who responds with a chuckle in his voice, "You have no idea how much time I spent with your mother making out at the Chasm before we were married. One day, when you're older, and already a member of Dauntless, I'll tell you, but today, go help your brother clean the kitchen while I kiss your mother on the couch."

"Uri's right. You two are gross," Ezekiel mutters as he heads back to work.

* * *

"You know, even though it's your birthday, you're going to be covered in paint, right?" Uriah taunts Lynn as we finish breakfast the next morning.

For a boy who only got to come because his father finished scraping the mystery goop off my stove last night after he went to bed, he sounds awfully cocky.

Lynn tosses her long medium-brown hair off her shoulders. "What makes you think that? Maybe you're the one who will end up wearing the paint."

Uriah makes a snorting sound. "Hardly. You're a girl. If you don't end up with all the paint on you, it will be because everyone is afraid you'll cry on your birthday if you do."

A scowl twists Lynn's features. "Really? We haven't set teams yet. Let's make it easy. We'll do girls against boys."

Uriah thinks for a minute. "Who all is coming?"

"The teams would be even." Lynn doesn't give him a direct answer.

Uriah doesn't notice that. "You're on."

Marlene skips up right then with Helena laughing and trying to catch up. "I almost didn't get to come!" she announces with a smile. "Dad's throwing up, and Mom won't leave him."

"How did you get to come?" Lynn asks.

"Helena, mom's friend from the infirmary, volunteered to take me! Isn't she the greatest?" Marlene doesn't give their true relationship. Helena is Bekah's cousin, but since she and Bekah came from Erudite, Marlene doesn't know that.

Lynn picks up her tray and grins at Marlene as she imparts the latest information to her. "Uriah thinks the boys are going to cream the girls."

Uriah picks up his to follow them. "Why on earth wouldn't we? Zeke, Gabe, and I are on the same team."

Lynn smirks at him as they walk off. "And so are James and Hector."

Uriah stops in his tracks. "Hector's playing?"

"You don't think I'd leave my little brother out, did you?"

* * *

"Is Uriah still pouting?" Lynn asks with a fork poised over cake. There is a streak of blue on the shoulder of her shirt, a smudge of pink on her chest, and a dash of green that someone put on her cheek. She didn't get as much paint on her as Uriah did, and since the girls won, she is smug in the fact that she didn't.

I look around the area and realize for the first time that I haven't seen Uriah since the boys lost to the girls. I make a mental note that I need to try to find him. "I guess so."

Lynn shakes her head, causing her hair to swirl slightly. "I can't believe he's such a pansycake, to sulk through the Dauntless cake Angie made for my birthday. Mom is starting to pass out seconds. If he doesn't show up soon, he'll miss out on it completely." She walks away, looking for another one of her friends.

I stand up and look for Eli. There is no way Uriah would miss cake if he realized it. A small band of fear grips my heart, wondering where he is. Eli is talking with Ben and Rob. I put a hand on his arm and wait impatiently for Rob to finish talking. "Eli, have you seen Uriah since the game ended?"

Eli looks around at the kids either eating or running around. "No, I haven't."

"I'm going to go look for him. It's not like him to miss cake, even if he did lose." I start to move away.

"I'll come with you." Eli moves to leave the guys.

Ben and Rob exchange a look. "We'll look with you," Rob says.

Ben nods. "I'll take this direction." He points towards where the girls hid their flag.

Rob looks at Eli. "Which way do you want me to go?"

Eli thinks for a moment, then points in the direction of where they boys hid their flag. "Hana and I are going to go this way. That was the last way I saw him go, but just in case…" He points to the direction where I last saw Uriah.

We start off quickly. After we are out of sight, Eli grabs my hand. "He's okay, Hana."

I smile back weakly. "I'm not worried." I try to put a little more confidence in my voice than I feel.

Eli kisses my forehead and tells me softly, "Well, I am."

We take turns yelling his name and it doesn't take too long before we think we hear a response. "Uriah!" I yell louder and start running towards his voice.

Eli catches up with me, suddenly pulls me to a stop, and bellows, "Listen!"

I hear three sounds: Uriah yelling for us, a continuous rattle, and my heart pounding.

"Uriah, don't move." Eli's voice is calm and reassuring as he moves slowly towards Uriah. I start to move with him, but he says firmly, "Hana, stay back."

I look at Uriah, frozen in place. I try to mimic Eli's tone as I call out to him, "Listen to Dad."

Eli keeps moving, slowly, deliberately towards Uriah. When he is almost there he give Uriah his instructions. "Uri, I want you to move as slowly as you can backwards. No sudden moves. Just nice and slow."

My eye flicks to the snake poised to strike. The snake sits on a rock, coiled in almost an S, with its tail in the center moving too fast for me to see it clearly and its head up, watching Uriah. My heart pounds as I look back at Uriah. He's moved half a step backwards. He moves his other foot back onto the next rock. As soon as he puts his foot on it, I realize the rock isn't steady. I try to cry out to him, but my voice is frozen.

Eli is closer to Uriah, and he realizes Uriah's predicament at the same moment I do. It is a moment like lightening and the coming of spring all at once. Everything moves so quickly that I can't keep track of it all, and yet so slowly that I seem to catch every detail: Eli lunging and pushing Uriah down; both of them falling, the snake darting forward; the snake disappearing. When the snake disappears I am no longer mute.

I scream.

For a moment I am frozen in place, terrified and unsure of what just happened. Uriah's arm moves, then Eli lifts his head. "Uri?"

"I'm fine." I know my son's voice. He's trying not to cry.

The sound of it propels me to action and I sprint the short distance to them. "Are you both okay?" I ask breathlessly.

Eli sits up and helps Uriah to sit up also. "Son?" he asks Uriah.

Uriah closes his eyes for a moment, taking a mental inventory. "I'm fine." His voice is closer to normal.

Eli slowly flexes his right ankle. "I think I twisted my ankle. It's sore, but other than that I'm okay."

"We'll take it slow going back." I smile, relieved that the worst injury we have out of this is a twisted ankle. I put a hand out to help each of them up to their feet. Uriah takes my hand and stands quickly. Eli sits up, but stays on the ground. "I think I need to rest it for a few minutes before I put any weight on it."

Uriah looks panicked at the idea of his father being hurt.

"Uriah, what happened?" I ask in an attempt to distract him.

"I was trying to avoid Lynn. She was gloating about her win, and I just didn't want to listen to her anymore." Uriah sounds like he's trying to defend his actions.

"Go on." The almost urgent tone in Eli's voice causes me to look at him again. He's sweating.

Uriah swallows hard. "I was walking over the rocks when one of them slipped. It rolled and… and… suddenly the snake was there. It's tail was rattling and… I couldn't move. I was too scared to." Uriah hangs his head as he confesses his fear to us.

"Even in Dauntless, sometimes fear is a good thing." Eli reassures Uriah.

Uriah smiles tentatively at his dad. "Really?"

I look at Eli. There is something wrong with him, something he doesn't want Uriah to know. "Uriah, why don't you run ahead and get Helena."

"Helena?" Uriah looks puzzled.

"She's Bekah's friend from the infirmary. She brought Marlene," Eli reminds him quickly.

Uriah thinks for a moment. "I think I remember her."

"If you don't, ask Marlene."

Uriah brightens and takes off at a near run, his eyes glued on where he is stepping.

I sit on the ground next to Eli. "Eli, what's going on? A twisted ankle shouldn't be causing you this much trouble!"

Eli swallows. "I should have told Uri to bring us back some water."

I look at him, amazed at how he can think of water at a time like this. I struggle to keep the panic out of my voice. "Eli."

Eli sighs and admits, "I don't think I twisted my ankle."

Instantly I kneel and move his pants leg so I can see his ankle. I roll down his sock and see twin angry red marks on his skin. "You were bitten." I'm surprised at how calm my voice is.

Eli nods. "I know."

"Why..." I don't know how to finish my question, so I just stop after that one word.

"I didn't want Uriah to know. I didn't realize…" He stops talking.

"He's going to know," I tell him, trying to figure out what I need to do.

"I know." Eli's eyes close. I watch him breath. I match my breaths to his, like that will help him to breathe better. Suddenly his eyes pop open. "Hana." His voice is desperate.

"Yes." Someone yells our names, and I yell back.

"Remember your promise." His voice is intentionally soft.

My promise? My forehead wrinkles as I try to remember what I promised Eli that he would feel the need to remind me of now.

His voice is even softer as he hears people getting closer. "Natalie."

It hits me what he's talking about with that one word, and it shoots a tendril of fear through my heart.

I promised Eli I would quit working for Natalie if anything happened to him.

 **I made the observation to Bahrfamily recently that I'm playing two huge games of connect the dots right now. The first one is the story itself. I am "connecting the dots" between parts of this story that are already written. (There are 50 pages after this chapter already written, and more pages that need to be added!** **I'd s** **ay we have at least 100 pages left** **to go.)** **The second game is connecting the dots between the "Divergent World" and the "Dauntless Gray" world. This chapter has four different items put in to intentionally tie the two worlds together. If you think know what they are, leave me a review or a PM. I'd love to know how many you caught!**

 **Kudos to BK2U who caught two that I had put in there, but for some reason I didn't think to count. The total is actually six.**


	55. Chapter 55 - Reactions

**We didn't want you to have to wait too long to find out about Eli. I'm not promising we can get the next chapter up this quick, but... we're trying!**

 **In case you were wondering** **about the tie** **-** **ins from the last chapter, they** **are as follows:**

 **The** **last chapter started with the jacket that Tori wore to the Aptitude test. It is mentioned in both Divergent and earlier in The Blackest Shade of Gray.**

 **Divergent Chapter 2**

 _ **She is not as severe-looking as the young Dauntless I have seen. She has small, dark, angular eyes and wears a black blazer—like a man's suit—and jeans.**_

 **The Blackest Shade of Gray Chapter 29 Heartbreak**

 _ **There's a man's blazer, George's blazer, on the back of the couch. Absently she picks it up and clutches in her arms.**_

 **Of course there is the discussion of Eric and what is going on in his life. (Thank-you BK2U for pointing out to me I had forgotten to count this one!)**

 **The next one is an unnamed character mentioned twice in Four: a Divergent Collection**

 **\- The Initiate**

" _ **What are you doing here?" a voice demands, and it travels through me like an electric shock. I wheel around and see a smudged, sallow-faced man in the next room, wiping his hands on a ragged towel.**_

" _ **I was just …" I look at the grill. "I saw fire. That's all."**_

" _ **Oh." The man tucks the corner of the towel into his back pocket. He wears black Candor pants, patched with blue Erudite fabric, and a gray Abnegation shirt, the same as the one I'm wearing. He's lean as a rail, but he looks strong. Strong enough to hurt me, but I don't think he will.**_

 **And again in – The Son**

 _ **This time the man is wearing a red Amity shirt and black Dauntless pants. He still has a towel tucked into his back pocket, the same as the last time I spoke to him. He opens the door just enough to look at me, and no farther.**_

 **He has the habit of tucking towels in his back pocket to wipe his hands on.**

 **Hana and Abram discuss "Johnson". Of course her real name is Evelyn Johnson Eaton. (Thank you again BK2U! This one wasn't in my original count either!)**

 **And the snake… Uriah will get a tattoo of it one day.**

 **The last one is Helena…who is mentioned, but never seen in Insurgent. She plays a much bigger role in this chapter**

 **Insurgent Chapter 19**

" _ **Find Helena," Zeke says. "Dauntless nurse."**_

 **Oh, and technically I guess there is a seventh one. After all the kids aren't twelve yet, so evidently it is still acceptable to call someone a "Pansycake"!**

 **Chapter** **55**

"Let me know if this hurts," Helena says as she kneels next to Eli. She starts to gently move his ankle. Her forehead wrinkles slightly, like she is confused. She turns to me and in a whisper tells me what I already know. "He didn't twist his ankle."

"Snake bite," I answer just as low, since both of the boys came back with her.

Her lips press together as she takes a deep breath. Pasting on a smile, she turns to the boys. "I need you to find the other fathers. Your dad is going to need some help walking, and they will be more helpful than your mom and myself."

Ezekiel turns around to head back immediately, but Uriah looks at Eli. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"It's okay, Uri. Just go find Ben and Rob like Helena asked, please." Eli tries to keep his tone light, but I can hear the concern in it.

Uriah turns around and runs to catch up with Ezekiel.

As soon as the boys are out of sight, Helena is all business. "Your son said it was a rattlesnake."

"Yes," I answer quickly.

Helena notices the shoe and sock I pulled off while we were waiting for her and looks at the bite. "Good, you took off his shoe and sock. We don't want them to be stuck on when it starts swelling. How far did you walk on it?"

"Not at all," Eli assures her.

Helena gives us a relieved smile. "Good. I'm going to need to immobilize it, and we're going to need to get the other guys to carry Eli. Are there really just two other dads here?"

I think over the guest list again. Ben is here since it is his daughter's birthday. Rob is here with Ashley and James. Lauren declared herself too old for a kids' party, so Levi stayed with her and Kelly came by herself with Gabe. Bekah sent Helena with Marlene, since Conner is sick. That just leaves Eli. "That's it."

Helena rubs her forehead. "They can't carry him all the way to Erudite. Any idea if the buses run near here?"

Even though Helen doesn't know that I was a transfer, I realize that since I rode the bus all the time in Abnegation, I am probably the most likely to know this, but I was never in this area of town to know if they do or not. "I have no idea."

"If we can't find someone who knows, we don't have a lot of options. We'll get to a main road and see if we can find a bus, or flag down a car." Helena tries to look encouragingly at me, but I can see the worry in her eyes. "We'll just need to take breaks when they get tired."

"I can walk with help," Eli protests.

Helena's tone is firm. "I'm sure you can, but you were bitten by a rattlesnake. The more you use it, the more the venom will travel in your body. You aren't taking another step."

Angie and Kelly promise to keep an eye on the boys as well as Marlene, since Helena is coming with us. They'll get Marlene back to Bekah and the boys to a member of the family. It's not ideal, but I don't want either of the boys coming with us. Watching Rob and Ben grab arms to create a human chair to carry Eli in is hard enough on me; I can't imagine what it would be like for Eli's sons to see. They make it to the road before they need to take a break.

"Have you ever thought of going on a diet?" Rob quips as they set him down.

"It wouldn't do any good if I did," Eli tries joking back at him. He flexes his arm. "This is muscle, not fat."

Helena rubs her forehead and looks down the street anxiously. Before I can slip next to her to ask her what she's worried about, she kneels next to Eli. She looks over him then takes his wrist in her hand to check his pulse. She smiles a little. "The good news is you aren't showing a lot of the signs of the venom. The bad news is, I don't see a bus, and we're further from Erudite than I realized."

Rob takes a deep breath and stands back up. "We aren't getting any closer just sitting here. Are you ready, Ben?"

"I'm still hoping we find a bus," Ben responds, standing back up.

Two blocks later, we see a bus headed toward us. Helena and I flag it down, and even though the normal route doesn't go directly to the hospital, the driver is willing to detour to take us there. We thank the driver profusely, grateful the trip to the hospital doesn't end up being as long as it could have been.

At the hospital, Helena goes with Eli to explain what happened and what she has done, since she has medical training. I don't have Eli's intimidating stature, so they bar me from going into the emergency treatment area with him. At my insistence, Ben returns to Dauntless; he's already missed more of Lynn's birthday than he should have. I try to send Rob back, too, but he refuses to leave. "Eli wouldn't leave Angie alone if it were me. I'm not leaving you alone," he tells me stubbornly.

We sit there quietly, listening to the drone of the conversations going on around us. "I don't know what I would do without him," I suddenly surprise myself by whispering the thought out loud.

"He's strong, Hana. I don't think you need to worry, and you know we'd all be here for you and the boys," Rob answers confidently.

There are sudden tears in my eyes. "You're right. I don't know what has gotten into me."

"I imagine," Rob says lightly, "the same thing that is going to get into all the wives at some point in the next day or two. Reality that especially in Dauntless, none of us are promised tomorrow."

"Hana, Rob you can come back now." Helena's voice stayed calm through everything, but when she comes to get us, I can hear the relief in it.

Rob and I stand up and join her. "How is he?" Even though I know from her voice that everything is okay, I'm desperate to hear the words.

"He's going to be fine," she promises me with a smile, as we walk back to his area. "He'll need to stay in the hospital overnight, but it appears to be a dry bite."

"A dry bite?" Rob questions her before I can.

"Venomous snakes can bite without releasing venom. As far as we can tell, the snake that bit Eli didn't release any. They want to keep him overnight for observation just to make sure they are right and to give him some antibiotics to prevent an infection. He'll be able to go home tomorrow."

"By train?" I can't stop myself from asking, since I've never been able to go home by train when I've left the Erudite hospital.

Helena looks at me oddly. The question had obviously not occurred to her yet. "That's a good question. I don't know the answer to it."

* * *

Helena and I send Rob back to his family after we get a chance to see Eli, and I send Helena back shortly after that. I appreciate the time they both spent with us, but once they get Eli settled into his room, and I can be with him, there is no point in either of them staying.

About two hours after Helena leaves, Taylor's worried face peaks around the corner of the door. When she sees Eli, she walks in with determined steps. Her voice is firm and confused. "What happened here? Kelly brought Zeke and Uriah to me while Leeann finished preparing for a meeting. She told me Eli twisted his ankle. Then after Leeann takes the boys, I hear from some girl I don't know, but who claims to be the nurse who was there, that he didn't twist his ankle - he was bitten by a snake."

"A rattlesnake," I confirm wearily. "The short version is, a rattlesnake had Uriah in his sights. Uriah fell, and Eli got between the snake and Uriah. It bit Eli instead. Eli didn't want Uriah to feel guilty, so he told him he twisted his ankle."

Taylor covers her hand with her mouth and slowly sinks down next to me in the other empty chair in the room. "Are you okay?"

Eli gives her an indulgent smile. "I'm fine, Mom. I was lucky. The doctors think the snake didn't release any venom."

Taylor watches him for a moment before she continues, "You have to be okay. I can't lose you both close together like this."

My eyes swing to her, questioning her statement.

Taylor's eyes are full of tears. "I'm not blind. Abram is doing worse. He told me yesterday that he wants to set up one last time to see the boys and then…" She blinks the tears from her eyes.

"I know. He told me recently that he didn't want the boys to remember him as being any sicker than he is," I admit to her.

Eli stays silent. He and I have talked about it. Both of us understand where Abram is coming from.

Neither of us like it.

"He wants you to bring them next Saturday." She reaches out a hand to each of us. "It will be the last time."

* * *

There are advantages to being small, like the fact that I fit nicely on Eli's lap. The night after he gets back from the hospital, he draws me onto his lap and holds me tight. "I'll only admit this to you," he tell. "I was afraid."

I kiss him gently. "I was terrified."

We hold each other in silence. I don't know what he is thinking, but my mind dwells on the idea of how much things might have changed if the bite hadn't been a dry bite.

Eli clears his throat. "Hana, I am serious that if anything happens to me, you have to stop…"

I put a gentle finger over his lips. "I know you are, and I understand that you are and why you are. I promised you before, and I'll promise you again that…"

"Dad?" Uriah's tear-filled voice interrupts us.

We both shift so we can see Uriah standing in the hallway outside his room.

"Uri? What are you doing up?" Eli asks him.

"I had a dream that you died." A tear escapes from his eye and he quickly wipes it away.

I get off Eli's lap and move quickly down the hall to Uriah. He's getting too big for me to carry, but I manage to pick him up. He clings to me, burying his face in my shoulder. I feel tears seep into my shoulder as I carry him to Eli, who glares at me while I do. He's told me several times that if I keep carrying Uriah, I'm going to hurt myself. I deposit him into Eli's lap. Uriah clings to his father, while Eli holds him tight. He looks at me, then kisses the top of Uriah's head. "As you can see, Uriah, I'm here. I'm safe."

"If something had happened it would have been my fault…" Uriah's voice is muffled from being buried in his father's shoulder.

"You did something to intentionally provoke that snake?" Eli shifts Uriah so they can see each other.

Uriah tries to remove the traces of tears from his face. "No, I was just walking around, trying to get away from Lynn and suddenly it was just there. But if I hadn't left the party…" I hear the guilt in Uriah's voice and a part of me aches for him. I understand the feeling of guilt. Uriah's guilt is different than the guilt I have dealt with from working with Natalie, but it is just as real.

"You're probably right that if you hadn't left the party you wouldn't have run into the snake, but we don't know what would have happened. What if the boys had won? Is there a chance Lynn would have walked off?"

Uriah thinks for a minute. "Yeah, I would have given her a hard time, too, and knowing Lynn she would have walked off to pout."

"So, if it hadn't been you, it might have been Lynn?" Eli checks.

"Yes."

"Do you think Lynn would have stayed as still as you did?" Eli presses.

Uriah thinks for a minute and then admits, "I don't know."

"I don't know either, but I do know this. I would take a snake bite for any of you kids." Eli looks deeply into Uriah's eyes. "It's my job to protect you."

* * *

Taylor arranges things with Abram for us to take the boys a week later than what they had originally planned. The bite on Eli's ankle has been healing nicely, but when she found out there was still a chance of infection from the snake bite Eli received, she pushed it back a week to give him more time to heal. The boys walk quickly in front of Eli and I, just shy of running, as we enter the building that Abram and Evan's group recently moved to. They don't know this will be the last time they see their grandpa. He wanted to be the one to tell them.

"Stay, just a few more minutes. I have never gotten a chance to properly thank you for everything that you have done for me over the years." Abram ends his little speech with a cough.

I recognize the cadence of an Abnegation female answering him. I can't pick out the voice, but I wonder if it is Natalie that is with him, or this strange woman they keep referring to as Johnson.

"Grandpa..." Ezekiel's excited voice dies out. Both boys stand frozen just inside of the doorway.

There is a stifled gasp, and as I start to enter the room, I see why.

It isn't the mysterious Johnson, or even Natalie's voice that I heard.

It is Mom's.

She stands there frozen in place with her hand over her mouth. Her eyes look hungrily at the boys, realizing in an instant what Abram has done to thank her… and Dad. They are both here.

Abram waves both boys over. "Come here boys. I want you to meet a couple of friends of mine."

"They're from Abnegation." Ezekiel sounds a little confused.

"Yes, they are from Abnegation, and being Abnegation, they have helped Evan and me over the years. These are our grandsons, Zeke and Uriah."

At first I'm worried that Abram is giving away who these Abnegation "strangers" are to the boys, but then I realize that Taylor is sitting next to him. He has cleverly introduced the boys exactly right to them without giving away anything.

Both boys look at the grandparents they will never know with open curiosity. "Hi." Ezekiel speaks first.

Dad clears his voice, before responding. "Hi. How old are you?"

I make sure the boys are looking at Dad, before I blot the tears that have sprung to my eyes. Eli wraps his arm around me and squeezes my waist to let me know he's here for me. "Did you know?" I whisper.

"No, he told me he wanted all of us to come, but… I never dreamed he'd done this." Eli answers just loud enough for me to hear him.

"I'm eight." Ezekiel pulls himself up to his full height, trying to look like he is more than a couple of inches taller than Uriah.

"And you?" Mom asks Uriah.

"I'll be six soon." Uriah says also drawing himself up.

Mom swallows and looks at Abram and Taylor, thanking them with her eyes. "Your grandsons are handsome."

"I'm better looking," Uriah announces before Ezekiel can say anything. "I look like Dad."

Mom's eyes show hidden laughter. She looks over at Eli then at Uriah. "You certainly do."

"Who do you look like?" Dad asks Ezekiel.

I look from Dad to Ezekiel and back again. I know who Ezekiel looks like, but I wonder if either of them see it. Ezekiel has my dad's forehead and cheeks. The fact that he has Eli's mouth and eyes will probably keep it from crossing Ezekiel's mind that he looks a lot like this stranger who stands in front of him, his unknown Abnegation grandfather.

Ezekiel squares his shoulders. "I look like myself. That's as good as looking like Dad."

Mom looks at Eli, then Dad, then Ezekiel, and in that look, I know that she sees it too. She answer with a soft smile, which is just a little different from her normal Abnegation smile. "It certainly is."

* * *

The last piece of the Dauntless Cake that Angie made for Uriah's birthday is a mess of crumbs on his plate. He moves them around with his fork, making no effort to smash them into the tines, or lick his finger and try to pick them up with it to eat them that way.

"Uri, what's wrong?" I press the back of my hand to his forehead, wondering if he is sick.

He puts down his fork. **"** It's just not the same, Mom."

My eyebrows knit in confusion. "I told Angie not to experiment on it. It tasted the same to me."

Uri exhales loudly. "Not the cake, Mom. Having a birthday without Grandpa."

I give him a sad smile. We always went to see Abram the day after each boy's birthdays. They would take their left-over cake to share with him and Evan. "I'm sorry."

"Why can't we go see Grandpa? Would it really be so bad?" His brown eyes plead with me to give in and take him.

I cup his face with my hand. How do I explain this to him? Abram told the boys on their last visit that he wasn't feeling well, and that as much as he loved them it would be better if they didn't come visit him right now. He didn't tell him he was dying, or that he didn't want them to see him as his health declined. I pull Uriah onto my lap. I open up a small piece of the truth to him. I know he only just turned six, but maybe it is time to start preparing him for what is coming. "Grandpa is sick. He doesn't want you and Zeke to see him as sick."

Uriah suddenly gets excited. "When I had the flu, it only took me a week to get better. It's been way longer than a week! We can go see Grandpa!" He jumps off my lap, excited to share his news. "Zeke!"

"Uriah!" I grab his arm to stop him, trying to keep him from not just getting his hopes up, but Ezekiel's, too. I take a deep breath before trying to explain it better. "Grandpa is sicker than the flu. It's his heart."

"His heart?" Uriah questions.

I bite my lip and nod while trying to figure out the gentlest, most appropriate way of telling him. "Grandpa's heart isn't working right. It makes simple things like breathing hard on him." I know there are tears in my eyes as I think about the last time I saw Abram. He struggled with every breath he took.

Uriah studies me for a minute. "Grandpa's not going to get better, is he?"

* * *

"Get in." Eli hisses and quickly closes the door behind whoever is there. "What are you doing here?"

I stand up from the couch, where Eli and I were cuddling, wondering who could be here who would create such a reaction from him. I understand it as soon as I hear her voice. "We need to talk. I just came from the Factionless sector."

Natalie wears one of her Dauntless outfits. It's a sleeveless top and short skirt to match the warm weather, but this time without any tattoo to help hide her. Worrying me that she is here unscheduled. "What's going on?" I ask, letting them both know I've joined them.

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Abram had a heart attack today," she tells us compassionately.

My arm snakes around Eli's waist.

"How?" Eli trails off, unable to ask his question.

"He's still alive, but he isn't doing well. We've done everything that we can do, but since he isn't in a Faction…it's not much," she admits sorrowfully.

Eli swallows hard. "Thank you for letting me know."

"Is there anything else I can do to help you?" Natalie asks compassionately.

"Not right now, thank you. I need to figure out how to tell my mom that I know this." He presses his lips together.

"I thought about that on my way over here. Is there any chance you could tell her you were called out to check on a camera in the Factionless Sector? I could arrange for one to go out if that would help." Natalie sounds as if she thought about this on her way to tell us.

"If I was on duty tonight, that would work," Eli says regretfully.

"Who says you aren't on duty tonight? I can arrange that, too." Natalie says this like it is nothing to change a duty roster. "If I can borrow something from Hana, I can have it all taken care of in less than ten minutes."

I look at Eli and I can see that he is tempted. It is just his pride, the idea that I will owe Natalie something for doing this for him, that keeps him from thanking her for it and preparing to go see his father to find out how bad it is.

I know Natalie well enough to realize that just like everything she has done for Abram, she sees this as a way of paying us back for everything I have done to help her. It has never crossed her mind that Eli will owe her anything from her doing this for us. "Thank you," I answer for him. "If there's ever anything we can do for you…"

Natalie shakes her head at me and gives me a small smile. "I owe you far more than you owe me for this." She puts a hand on Eli's arm. "I've always liked your father, from the moment I met him after I was placed here in Dauntless. He was always nice to me."

* * *

Natalie uses my tablet, and, as promised, Eli is on his way to "fix" a camera in the Factionless sector in less than half an hour. He comes back just before I need to get the boys up from school. The look on his face tells me everything I need to know. There are already tears in his eyes as he tells me. "I got Mom, Nick, and Leeann there in time. If I could have figured out what to do with the boys…" he starts his explanation again as to why I wasn't there.

I put a finger on his lips to stop him. "It's okay, Eli. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but like you said, with the boys, it couldn't be helped."

"He was Factionless, so there will be no funeral, but Mom would like to have us all over for dinner tonight. She wants to tell the boys herself."

The knowledge that Taylor is going to want to be in her own home is the only thing that keeps me from telling Eli that we'll have the family over here. "Tell her I put a roast and vegetables in the crock pot this morning. If either Leeann or Nick can bring a salad and the other bring bread I think we'll be set."

Eli looks at me a long time and then gathers me up tightly in his arms. I feel his arms tighten around me. "I can't believe he's gone," he whispers as I feel a few tears against my cheek.


	56. Chapter 56 - Brothers

**Thank you to everyone for your patience. We continue to plug away at the story. I don't mean to worry anyone when their is time between chapters. (Thank you Plynne13 for checking up on me!)**

 **Thank you to Windchimed for letting me borrow part of her world for mine. In her story "Determinant: One choice will change everything" we find out that Zeke and Uriah used Morse Code to pass messages without their mom catching them. It just sounded like too much fun not to include. (Just remember, that since Hana is the mom in question… the Morse Code is heard, but not understood as to what it is.) If anyone is new enough to Fanfiction that you DON'T know Windchimed's writing… you owe it to yourself to check it out. One, she's a very talented writer, and two, she has the BEST alternate ending to** **Allegiant** **I've read. If you read Determinant, be sure to read Prior Rings, too. They really do go together and give Tobias and Tris the happy ending we all wanted them to have!**

 **Of course thank you to Bahrfamily for not just editing this chapter, but for real life. It was wonderful to meet you and the "characters".**

 **Chapter 56 Brothers**

Eli carries the crock pot for me as Ezekiel and Uriah race out of the elevator towards Taylor's. Part of me feels guilty that we haven't tried to prepare the boys to learn of their grandfather's death. They just think this is dinner at Grandma's and they are excited. Uriah is so excited that he runs right into someone walking out of an apartment.

"Sorry!" Uriah says quickly, looking up at the man. "You look a lot like Dad," he says without thinking.

I look at the man he ran into and realize he's right.

"You're Eli's boy, aren't you?" Zane kneels down next to Uriah. I want to pull our son away from him, but I don't know how to explain my reaction to the boys without telling the whole story of Jude, and how her ex-fiancé has always made me uneasy. As far as I know, the boys have never even heard of Jude, so this would be quite a revelation to them.

"I'm Uriah, and this is Zeke." He points to his brother.

"I'm an old friend of your parents'. My name is Zane."

I want to deny that we were ever friends, but again, I don't know how to explain this to my children without explaining too much of the past.

Ezekiel hasn't stopped for this exchange, but keeps moving towards Taylor's door. He bet Uriah his piece of Dauntless Cake tomorrow night that he would beat him to Grandma's, and a stranger isn't going to keep him from winning.

"We're going to Grandma's!" Uriah explains with a bright smile. As soon as he says this, he remembers his bet and looks up to find his brother. Realizing that Ezekiel is only two doors away from Grandma's, he suddenly stands up and takes off to try to catch up.

Eli and I stand there awkwardly with Zane, none of us sure what to say. Ezekiel's voice claiming victory and Uriah's "No fair!" spare us from having to say much.

"We need to go keep a war from erupting," I tell Zane as I move, with Eli on my heels, towards the boys.

* * *

"You distract Mom. Get her to your bedroom with the door closed." Ezekiel and Uriah are talking in the family room. I can tell from the volume of their voices that they still think I'm cleaning the bathroom.

"How?"

"I don't know, just come up with something to get her away from the kitchen. Do I have to think of everything?" Ezekiel grumbles at his brother. "And when you have her distracted, I'll grab the Dauntless Cake Angie just dropped off."

"And then we'll share it, and Mom will never even know about it!" Uriah's voice is louder with his excitement over the idea of the cake.

"Shhh!" Ezekiel cautions him. "Don't let Mom out of your room until I come to your room after I've hidden the cake in my room."

I shake my head as I listen to the boys plot. It's time to prove they can't put anything past Mom. I walk quietly back to the bathroom, then try to make enough noise as I walk back to the family room that they will hear me coming.

"Mom," Uriah comes up to me with an odd mixture of excitement and apprehension. "I was trying to put up a poster on my wall, but I'm having problems with it. Can you help me?"

I smile and put my arm around his shoulder. With his broad shoulders, it feels a lot like putting my arm around a smaller version of Eli- much more than it does with Ezekiel. "Sure. I can help in about ten minutes."

"What are you doing now?" Uriah looks anxiously at his brother.

"I need going to clean up the kitchen."

"I'll help you clean the kitchen after we hang the poster," he offers quickly.

I pretend to think. There is part of me that wants to see if I can get his help in cleaning the kitchen first, but if I do that, I'll see the cake that they don't think I know about. Then they won't be able to put their plan in action, and I won't be able to catch them doing it. "Okay, let's get the poster hung."

Uriah and I head to his room. Ezekiel hangs out in the family room. I assume he is waiting to make an attempt on the cake. When we get to Uriah's room, he closes the door behind us, and mentally I start picturing how long it will take Ezekiel to get to the kitchen, get the cake, and head towards his bedroom.

"I'm thinking of moving the poster behind the door," Uriah starts off, presumably to explain why he has closed the door behind us. He walks over to the wall across from his bed and points to the poster of a train that we gave him last year for his birthday.

I look at the poster where it currently is and then to the door that he wants to move it. "You won't be able to see it very well," I tell him looking at it critically. I listen carefully to see if I can tell where Ezekiel is.

Uriah shrugs. "I thought maybe I would put something else there."

"Like what?" I move to the door and look at it like I'm trying to figure out how to attach the poster, when really I'm listening for Ezekiel.

There is a slight pause while he tries to figure something out. "Your favorite saying on fear. The one that Ezekiel has painted on his bedroom wall."

"Fear God Alone?" I ask him.

"Yes," Uriah answers quickly.

I hear Ezekiel's soft footsteps in the hallway. "That's an idea. The only problem is, I'm not sure that God is the only thing you boys should fear."

"What else?" Uriah asks, puzzled.

"Your mom," I answer simply and quickly open the door "Ezekiel Pedrad. Put the cake away, and then you can both spend some time in your rooms."

Both boys look at me with their mouths open. "How'd you…" Ezekiel's voice trails off as he looks at my stony face.

"I'm your mom. I know these things. Now put it away and you can both spend some time in your rooms thinking about what you tried to do."

* * *

Eli glances at me and tries to hide a smile as Ezekiel and Uriah finish telling him why they were in their bedrooms when he came home. I grin at the fact that I outsmarted the boys. "I'm going to put on my shoes, and I'll be ready to go to dinner," I tell them and head out of the family room. I know he's proud of the boys for making the attempt to put something over on me, and since I won this round, I'll give him just a moment to let him ask the questions he isn't going to ask when I'm around.

"What made you think you could get away with that?" Eli's voice floats to me as soon as I start down the hallway.

"She was cleaning the bathroom. We were in the family room. She didn't even know Angie had dropped off the cake, and there's no way she heard us." Ezekiel tries to defend them.

"Boys." Eli's voice drops. I stop walking and strain to hear his words. "Let me tell you a fact of life. No matter how softly you speak, a mom's ears can hear you. The trick is not to talk."

I shake my head and start back to the bedroom to get my shoes,wondering the whole time what on earth Eli is about to teach them.

* * *

"Give me that!" Uriah leans over the table and grabs for the chocolate muffin Ezekiel holds in his hand.

"What?" Ezekiel tries to sound innocent. "This?" There is a glimmer in that boy's eyes that concerns me.

"Yes, give me my muffin!"

Ezekiel holds the muffin close to his face and takes a long sniff. "Mmm, does it smell good."

I look at Eli out of the corner of my eye. He's trying hard not to laugh at Ezekiel. I'm tempted to swat him. Ezekiel does not need to be encouraged to taunt Uriah like that.

Uriah lunges over the table at his brother. "You took that off my plate! Give it back!" Uriah's milk spills on the table.

"Uriah! Ezekiel! Cut that out this instant!" I decide one of us needs to step in, and Eli sure doesn't look like it's going to be him.

Ezekiel starts to put down the muffin on his tray, but Uriah grabs for it at the same time.

The results are disastrous. Before anyone can react, the chocolate muffin- the _last_ chocolate muffin from the breakfast line- is on the floor.

"That was mine!" Uriah is furious. I try to snag his shirt, but he ducks under the table and comes out on the other side.

"Uriah! Ezekiel!" I yell at both of them, but it is too late. Uriah already has Ezekiel's shirt balled up in one fist and the other one pounds into his shoulder.

I try to decide if I'm better off going under or around the table to get to the two of them. Eli puts a hand on my shoulder. I look over at him, and he shakes his head.

He has got to be kidding me. I'm not supposed to stop this!

"Let Uri blow off some steam first," Eli whispers to me. "Zeke needs to learn not to taunt him like that. If you stop them now, all that is going to happen is that Uri's going to build up steam and blow his top even more later. Zeke's bound to do something else to ensure that happens."

I glare at Eli. This does not seem like a good idea to me.

Eli smiles indulgently at me. "They're Dauntless, Hana. You have to let them try it out. Ask Mom. Nick and I did it often enough."

"For how long?" I whisper back.

At just that moment, Ezekiel pulls away from Uriah and punches him in the face.

"Ezekiel!" This time it is Eli's voice that booms with Ezekiel's full name.

Both boys stop, and stare at their dad. It's rare that he finds the need to step in, and even rarer that he uses Ezekiel's full name, so when he does, it usually gets their immediate and total attention.

"You do not punch someone in the face. You chose to take Uriah's muffin, so you chose to face the consequences if something happened to it."

Ezekiel stands up and puts his hand out to help Uriah up. Uriah stares at if for a second, like he's not sure if he should trust his brother right now or not.

"Uriah." Eli's voice has a commanding tone to it. It's enough to get Uriah to take Ezekiel's hand so he can help him up.

Eli sits back down and starts eating. I look around certain that the whole cafeteria must be staring at us, but no one is.

Uriah climbs back under the table and sits next to me. I gently turn his face towards me to see where Ezekiel hit him. I run a gentle finger over it and he winces slightly. "If you have time, before school, you should really put an ice pack on that." I'm surprised my voice is so calm. All I want to do is put my arms around my baby and take him back to the apartment and take care of him.

I turn back to my food before I'm tempted to do just that.

I catch Eli watching me. He grins at me and goes back to eating. I must be acting like a Dauntless mother. Right now I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing.

* * *

"Tap, tap, tap." Ezekiel's finger randomly taps out a beat. I glare at him for a second. He taps out a couple more random taps and stops.

I turn back to the cookies I am making for our card game tonight with Amar and his grandparents- chocolate chip, as requested by the boys. As soon as my back is turned, the tapping starts again. I turn sharply. This time it is Uriah tapping. The glare stops him for a moment, but as soon as I turn back around it starts again.

* * *

"Are we going to do a joint birthday party again?" I ask Sultana as we get the milk and cookies for everyone to snack on during a break in our card game. Ezekiel and Amar have birthdays next month. They will turn nine and twelve respectively. The joint birthday party has been a tradition ever since Jazz and Rais died. I keep thinking one of these years Amar is going to decide he is too old to share a party with Ezekiel, but it hasn't happened yet.

"I asked Amar today. He thought about it and decided if it isn't too much of a little kids party, it's okay," Sultana says with a laugh.

"Did he have any idea of what he wants to do?" I ask, wondering what would work for both sets of kids.

"Amar had a couple of ideas. One was to go explore Navy Pier and the other was to play capture the flag there." Sultana answers.

I think for a minute. "Dare at Navy Pier? Would that count as exploring?"

Sultana puts down the milk she is pouring and smiles. "Sounds better to me than just letting them loose."

* * *

"Leadership was in the training room at the same time we were!" Uriah tells me excitedly as he and his brother and dad come back home from practicing with the punching bags.

"You should have seen Kayla!" Ezekiel sounds impressed. "She can really make the bag move."

"And then Wyatt and Max were sparring, and we got to watch!" Uriah chimes in excitedly again. He pretends to punch Ezekiel, but he's too excited to control it, and the punch actually lands.

Ezekiel rubs his shoulder then grins. "You started it!" He grabs Uriah around the neck and starts off by messing up his hair.

Uriah pulls away, straightening up his hair as soon as he's away from Ezekiel. "It was an accident, but this isn't." He charges his brother and the two of them are off, wrestling on the ground.

" _Stop_!" Eli snaps unnecessarily at the boys.

Ezekiel and Uriah stop their wrestling and look first at each other, then at me, and finally at Eli, trying to figure out what is going on. Normally, Eli is the one who doesn't care if they destroy the family room in their attempts to best each other. In fact, usually he's giving pointers to each of them, while I leave the room to keep from putting a stop to it.

"Boys, why don't you go to your rooms for a few minutes?" I say calmly when Eli doesn't add anything to his one word command.

Without a word, both boys scurry to their rooms.

"What is wrong with you?" I ask Eli as he restlessly paces around the family room.

Eli stops pacing and glares at me. "What do you mean?"

"You snapped at the boys for wrestling, which you never do, and now you're pacing around this room like a caged animal. Something is wrong." I walk to him, intending to put a hand on his arm. But he is radiating such anger that I'm afraid to touch him.

Eli studies me for a minute. His shoulders sag as he sighs wearily. 'I'm trying to decide if I need to talk to Natalie or not."

His answer catches me off guard. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't expecting anything close to _this_. Usually Eli doesn't want _me_ to have anything to do with Natalie. Even when Evan broke his arm, it was my idea, not his, to see if there was any help that we could get for him. And although Natalie let us know about Abram so he and his mom could say good-bye to his dad, he didn't go out of his way to thank her; instead, he asked me to do it. I can't stop myself from asking. "Why do you want to talk to Natalie?"

With his left hand, Eli massages his neck as he answers me. "I saw someone tonight who has a tattoo of flames with an Erudite eye peeking out through them."

"Where was it?" I slowly sit down as my knees buckle underneath me.

Eli runs a distracted hand through his hair. "On his chest. Right where…"

Years. It's been… what, seven years since Marley described the tattoo of her attacker that way? After all these years, that tattoo shows up again. "Who?" I can barely get the word past the rapidly expanding knot in my throat.

Eli shakes his head. "I need to be sure before I accuse anyone of anything. Hana, it's not that I don't trust you… it's just so unbelievable, I need… If this is the person behind it, we are in trouble. Big trouble."

"Why?" I hold his brown eyes with my own. There is no laughter, no hidden smile, no tenderness in his look. Nothing in them to hide the concern in them. Nothing to lessen the terror I'm beginning to feel.

"He's in leadership, Hana. I have to be sure. We have to be careful about this. If I accuse him and I'm wrong or I don't have irrefutable proof that he was involved in the train wreck… It's treason."


	57. Chapter 57 - Unstable

**If anyone reading this in the US is in the Houston area, or currently being affecting by Hurrican Irma as she heads towards Florida or Katina in Mexico, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all.**

 **Thank you BK2U, Jvoosen, Gabergirl, and Sunny2Rain for taking the time to review the last chapter. I always appreciate hearing from anyone who reads the chapter. Reviews always make an author's day and encourage us to keep going.**

 **And of course, thank you to Bahrfamily for taking care of the edits to make this easier (gramatically) for all of you to read!**

 **Chapter 57 Unstable**

There's a small commotion at the door to the control room. I look up from my monitor and see Eli standing there. I smile at him as he walks over to me. He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't I visit my wife?" He tries to sound innocent.

I raise my eyebrows at him. "You can, but I'm betting there's another reason you are here."

"I'm afraid so." Eli sounds reluctant to tell me why he is here.

This past month he's spent trying to figure out the tattoo he saw that day, but I'm pretty sure he isn't here about that. He wouldn't discuss that with so many people around. "What is it?"

"Camera seven in Amity is out again. They're sending me out to see if I can figure out what is wrong and fix it."

I look down at the time on the computer. My shift is over in an hour. "Isn't it a little late in the day for you to head out to Amity?" I draw in my eyebrows as I think for a moment about where camera seven is. "That's an outdoor camera. It's in a tree."

I notice then that Eli is wearing his coat against the March chill. He's leaving soon. "It will be almost dark by the time you get there. Can't it wait until morning?"

"It came straight from Leadership. They were in a meeting when the report came in. I got called in to join them. They want me to check it tonight." He kneels down and hugs me. "I'll be back as quickly as I can."

"Where are the boys?" I check, since we're not quite brave enough to let the boys stay on their own yet.

"Leeann and Chaz have them." Eli kisses me right where he placed his first kiss.

"I love you," I whisper while his ear is close to my mouth.

"I love you, too." He stands and leaves.

* * *

Dinner is never the same without Eli. Somehow, Ezekiel and Uriah always do a better job of pushing each other's buttons – and mine – when he's not around. By the time we get ready to head back to the apartment, I've decided to stop by the control room to find out if camera seven is back up yet. Hopefully it is, because then I'll know Eli is on his way home. Otherwise… I may strangle one or both of our sons.

I warn the boys to be on their best behavior; I threaten them, really. I inform them that if there are any problems, I'm throwing them both in the Chasm. They know I'm not serious, but it is enough to get them to quiet down.

Carly is supervisor this shift, so I leave the boys just inside the door and walk over to her. There is a look of surprise on her face when she sees me. "Haven't you already finished your shift?" she asks.

"I have. I just wanted to check and see if Amity seven back up yet?" I ask her.

Carly's fingers dance over the keyboard, pulling up the camera in question. It's still a black screen. "Nothing. Why?"

"They sent Eli to go fix it. I was wondering if it was finished. I was hoping it was finished so he'd be headed back." I notice Ezekiel is flirting with the girl from the last initiation class. She smiles at him and hands him her headset.

Carly glances at her watch. "When was that?"

"An hour before I got off," I answer.

"It must be pretty bad for Eli not to have it fixed yet," Carly mutters just loud enough for me to hear.

An odd mixture of pride and worry hits me immediately. Eli is one of the best in Tech Support. I'm proud of him for that. The fact that he doesn't have it done yet worries me. She's right. It usually doesn't take him long.

Carly must see something in the look on my face. "Don't worry. There's more travel time to Amity than anywhere else." She puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. "He might not have a part he needs and he's waiting on it, or he's come back for it."

I nod. I'm not sure I trust my voice, and I don't want the boys to hear the concern in it.

"I'll keep an eye on it and let you know when it comes up," she assures me.

"Thank you," I tell her.

Carly smiles. "You'd do the same for me."

I smile back. "You know I would."

I head back to the boys. Ezekiel has the new girl's headphones on and is watching her screen. Uriah stands next to him, tugging on his sleeve and saying something about his turn. I tap Ezekiel on the shoulder. He turns around. I point to the headphones. He reluctantly hands them back.

"I never got my turn," Uriah wines as we leave the room.

"I'll tell you what: sometime when Dad isn't working and I am, I'll have him bring you down, and we'll get out a set of headphones for you to listen on."

"Really?" Uriah brightens. I notice again that, like Ezekiel, he has Eli's smile.

"Really." I put an arm around each of my boys as we exit the control room. "Let's go home. We can invite Sultana, Kamil and Amar over to play cards."

"Race you to the elevator!" Uriah yells to Ezekiel and takes off running.

* * *

Uriah tries hard to hide his yawn as he plays his card. Having Amar and his grandparents over worked perfectly. The boys are in better spirits, and I have been distracted from how late it is getting. I need to face the truth, and the truth is I know without even looking at my watch that it's after Uriah's bed time. I look at Ezekiel. He blinks hard. The boys' bedtimes only vary by half an hour. I'm sure it's after his bed time, too.

"I think," I look at Sultana as I speak, "we probably ought to call it a night."

She nods and her graying locks with red streaks dyed into them bounce as she does. "I think it is time for us to head home, and for you to put your young ones to bed."

Kamil rubs the bald spot at the front of his head. "I think it is time for me to go to bed, too," he offers with a laugh.

They help us put up the cards and Sultana offers to help me clean up the glasses and plates from our snack, but I turn her down. It will give me something to do while I wait for Eli, or for from someone from the control room to come tell me that the camera is working.

I look at my watch. It's even later than I thought. "Sultana, would you mind coming back in about thirty minutes? I should have these two hooligans in bed by then. I'd like to run down to the control room and see if they know anything."

Sultana gives me a smile. "I would be glad to."

"Thank you." I hug her as she leaves.

I still miss Jazz. I enjoy Sultana and Kamil, but on nights like these, I wish we were playing cards with Jazz and Rais instead. I will always ache that we didn't get them out safely. I'm glad I've gotten to know Sultana and Kamil better, but… Jazz and Rais should be here watching their boy grow up, or maybe they would be somewhere outside the fence. It wouldn't really matter to me where they were, as long as they were alive and together as a family.

As they leave, I wonder if Eli and I will ever take Natalie up on her offer. I doubt we will, unless Jeanine figures out Eli, or … I cut off my thoughts and turn to the boys. "Okay you two, pajamas on, teeth brushed. Whose turn is it to start in the bathroom?" Uriah raises his hand. "Get started." Both boys run to follow instructions.

Uriah doesn't get far when he turns around and comes back to hug me. "I love you, Mom," he whispers in my ear.

I smile. "I love you too."

He's off, back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He is so much like Eli; sometimes I wonder if he is too much like Eli for us to stay here.

Ezekiel walks out of his room in his pajamas and knocks loudly on the bathroom door. "Come on Uri! I'm waiting!" he complains loudly.

Uriah opens the door and shoots a water gun at Ezekiel; then he slams the door shut.

"Uriah!" Ezekiel yells at him, and pounds on the door.

I shake my head at the two of them and head down the hallway. Boys! Why did we have to have two boys? As soon as I think it, I feel the familiar pain twist in my heart. I let myself wonder for a second what life would be like if she had lived. Very much the same, I decide, except there would be three of them to try to wrangle into bed.

I move Ezekiel out of the way and knock on the door myself. "Uriah, out. NOW!"

The door opens, and the boys automatically trade places.

Ezekiel closes the bathroom door behind him.

"Uriah." I put out my hand.

Uriah sighs and pulls the water gun out from the back of the waist band of his pajama bottoms and puts it in my hand.

"You can have it back tomorrow night," I tell him.

He nods and moves to his room.

It doesn't take them long to finish getting ready and for me to tuck each of them into their beds. With the last "Good night, Mom," from Ezekiel ringing in my ears, I put the glasses and plates from the night in the sink and wash them. I decide I might as well get it over with, since all I need to do to be ready to go to the control room is slip on my shoes when Sultana arrives.

I hear a knock at the door and dry my hands on the towel as I go to let Sultana in.

But Sultana isn't at the door. It's Leeann and Nick.

Leeann's eyes are red, and Nick is holding himself tightly – I don't know how else to describe it. I just know there is something very, very wrong. I want to close the door on them both. I want to lock it tight and tell them not to come back until whatever has them looking like this is fixed.

They walk in without any of us saying a word.

"Are the boys in bed?" Nick asks. His voice is rough.

"Yes, but they haven't been for long." I feel a knot of fear. Why does he want to know if the boys are in bed?

"Are they asleep?" Leeann asks in soft voice.

"Maybe," I answer. "They haven't been in bed for more than ten minutes, but it was late when they got to bed, so it may not take them long to fall asleep."

They exchange a quick look, and Leeann heads off to the boys rooms.

"What's going on?" I ask Nick.

"Hana…" His voice is choked. He clears his voice and tries again. "Hana…" It is better this time. "Why don't you sit down?"

I stare at him, suddenly unable to move. If Nick wants me to sit down, something very bad has to be going on.

Nick takes my arm and leads me to a kitchen chair. He gives my arm a little tug so I sit in the chair.

Leeann comes back. "They're both asleep."

Nick doesn't smile. "Good."

My eyes flick back and forth between the two of them. "Would one of you tell me what's going on? You're scaring me." My voice is small.

Nick takes a deep breath and squats on the floor next to me. Leeann moves to my other side. They each hold one of my hands. "Eli was sent to Amity to fix a camera."

"Camera seven. I know. He came and told me good-bye."

Nick closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them up I see tears in them. "It's a high camera."

"I know, it's in a tree." My voice is soft and breathy.

"We don't know what happened, but they think the ladder fell," Nick continues.

"Is he ok?" I already know the answer. He's not the one here telling me about it, making a joke about his close call to keep me from worrying. He's not okay. I just need to know exactly how bad he is.

Nick swallows hard.

Leeann grips my hand harder.

At first neither of them says anything. The silence threatens to overtake us and render us speechless forever. The longer it goes on, the less I want to hear the answer.

"He's still alive," Leeann starts, she looks at Nick, pleading with her eyes.

I stand up ready to head to the infirmary. "He's at the infirmary?" I'm surprised by how steady my voice is.

"He's still at Amity." Nick's voice is barely a whisper. "He isn't stable enough to be moved."

My knees give way, forcing me to sit back down, while I shake my head in denial. My voice comes out as a horse whisper. "No. No." There is a knock on the door. I grab onto the one firm thought in my mind. "It's Sultana."

Nick says nothing, but heads to the door.

I hear him open the door and whisper something to Sultana. He's telling her about Eli.

"Do you want Nick or me to take you to Amity? The other one will stay here with the boys." Leeann's voice is gentle.

"What about Taylor?" I suddenly remember my mother-in-law. We need to go tell her. She needs to know, too. I remember her saying she couldn't lose Abram and Eli close together. It's been just over a year since Abram died. Eli has to be fine.

"Max and Nate have gone to tell her," Leeann assures me. "We'll probably meet her when we get to the train."

I stand as I see Sultana comes to me. She wraps her arms around me. I stand there, motionless, unable to hug her back. If I do, I will break.

"Don't worry about the boys," Sultana pulls away from me. "You both go with Hana. I'll stay here with the boys. If you will give me just a minute to let Kamil know what is going on, I can stay here as long as you need me to. Kamil can handle Amar."

Nick looks at her and then at Leeann. "Thank you."

I cling to one thought. The only thought that I can. Eli has to be okay. He has to be.


	58. Chapter 58 - Decisions

**Thank you for hanging in there. I know this isn't the easiest part of the story, but I appreicate you trusting me.**

 **I also want to thank bahrfamily for getting this turned around so you didn't have to wait too long to find out what has happened to Eli.**

 **Chapter 58 Decisions**

My eyes refuse to process what they are seeing. It can't be Eli. It can't be. He lies in the bed, motionless. The hiss of the ventilator is the only sound in the room, and it fills it. I watch him for any movement, waiting for him to show me this is some kind of joke, but he doesn't move. It isn't a joke.

There is no air in the room. I take a deep breath. There's just not enough oxygen in my lungs, and no matter how big of a breath I try to take, I can't get enough air.

Nick is there, touching my arm, speaking softly to me. "Hana, are you okay?"

I nod, unable to speak, unable to make a noise, unable to do anything but stand there. Nick guides me to the chair pulled up next to Eli's bed and helps me to sit down in it. I notice absently that Taylor sits across from me, holding his hand. I reach out and take Eli's hand. It is warm. I look at the clock on the wall and the time actually registers. Eleven forty-five. What time did we leave Dauntless? How long did it take us to get here? I don't know. My mind retains nothing, sees nothing, comprehends nothing, except for the bed in front of me, and the man that is on it.

Midnight. I grab onto the time like it is magic. When we were in lower levels, we read fairy tales. Didn't magic always happen at midnight? It's close to midnight. At midnight, Eli will wake up.

He has to.

* * *

I alternate between watching the clock and his face. Taylor and I are alone with Eli. Nick is with Leeann. She's struggling with seeing Eli like this. She doesn't realize she's about to miss him waking up.

Five minutes. I run the fingers of my free hand through my hair. I don't have a comb with me, but I want to look good when he opens his eyes.

Four minutes. I try to come up with a joking comment to say when he opens his eyes and sees me.

Three minutes. I fight the tears that are coming to my eyes. He's going to open up his eyes, and I don't want him worried about me.

Two minutes. I smile. Just in case the clock is off. I want to make sure that when he wakes up, he sees me smiling. I want him to know that I knew he would wake up.

One minute. I count down slowly in my mind from sixty. I don't look at the clock. I want to make sure I don't miss him waking up.

Midnight. Nothing. The clock must be off. That's all. It's fast, not slow. It's okay though, because he'll wake up soon.

* * *

Taylor remains with me in my vigil. I don't really notice her except in when she shifts in her seat. All my attention belongs to Eli. My eyes cling to him. My lungs continue to ache for more air. I've never been in a room with so little oxygen before. I wonder if that helps Eli. Eli…he has to wake up. He has to.

At some point in time, Leeann leaves. There's a half-remembered conversation with Nick telling me she was going back to Dauntless to be there with the boys in the morning; that she will be the one there to tell them their dad was hurt and that I am with him and to get them ready for school. At least, I think that's what he said.

* * *

"Hello, my name is…"

"Doctor Caroline." I say her name, amazed that our paths have crossed again. Nick and Taylor look surprised that I know Eli's doctor.

Her spring green eyes study me for a moment. "You were the patient last time. It was a concussion. I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name."

"Hana," I remind her.

"That's right." She is serious, too serious.

It's a good sign, I decide quickly, that his doctor is the same one I had for my concussion. Everything was fine for me. Everything is going to be fine for Eli, too. "I'm surprised you remember that much. It was a long time ago."

"It was." Doctor Caroline walks to Eli and starts checking him. "I'm horrible about remembering names, but pretty good at remembering faces and what their problem was."

"You were pregnant, right?" I continue talking to her as she checks his monitors.

She thinks for a moment. "That's right, I was, with my oldest."

"How many kids do you have?" It's the kind of thing all mothers ask. It helps give me a sense of normalcy in a situation that is anything but normal.

She stops checking Eli and, looking over, tells me proudly. "Two. The oldest is a girl; she's ten, almost eleven now, and I have a boy who will turn seven next month."

"My younger boy turned seven last month." I wonder for a moment if Uriah knows her son from school.

"How many do you have?" She moves to one of the machines attached to Eli and starts looking at the read-out.

"Two boys." There is no point in mentioning Angel. "The older one is nine."

Doctor Caroline looks at the read out. "Will they be coming to see their father?"

I look at Eli and then at her. "I'll probably wait until he's transferred to Dauntless. It will be easier there."

Doctor Caroline stops looking at the readout. Her eyes hold mine for a moment, then look over at both Nick and Taylor. "I'm sorry, I don't know where my manners are. Since Hana knew me, I didn't finish introducing myself. I'm Doctor Caroline, the neurologist assigned to Eli."

"I'm Taylor, Eli's mother, and this is my nephew, Nick." Taylor introduces both of them.

"I wish I was meeting you under more pleasant circumstances." Doctor Caroline sits on the rolling stool and rolls up next to me, taking a deep breath. "Hana, you need to realize that Eli's condition is very critical. We won't be moving him anywhere, not anytime soon, and when we do, it will be to Erudite, not to Dauntless."

"What exactly is wrong with my son?" Taylor bravely asks the question that I am unable to.

"I think you all know he fell from either the tree or the ladder. No one was there, so no one is quite sure which it was. He hit his head hard enough to cause a traumatic brain injury. When he was found, he wasn't breathing. Again, we don't know how long he went without breathing." Doctor Caroline's voice holds compassion.

"How bad is it?" Nick asks.

"We won't know for sure how he is until we run the tests." Doctor Caroline looks over each of us in turn. Her eyes stay on me. "But he isn't good."

* * *

At Doctor Caroline's suggestion, I am home when Ezekiel and Uriah get back from school. The purpose is twofold. She believes that I should be there to let them know what is going on with their father. She also thinks it would be good for the boys to come see Eli. She told us how people who are in a coma can hear and sometimes will respond to the people who are there to see them.

Ezekiel jumps at the chance to see his dad, but Uriah is more reluctant. "I don't want to see Dad in a hospital room."

"I understand." I brush back his hair. "But they say that Dad might be able to hear you, so I'd like for you to go. You don't have to stay in the room for long."

Uriah's brown eyes are troubled. "Does he…"

I pull Uriah in for a hug. "He looks like Dad. Just…Dad sleeping on his back."

* * *

A boy in blue about Uriah's age sits reading a book in front of Eli's door, which is closed. He looks up at us, a thoughtful crease between his spring-green eyes that match Doctor Caroline's. "Are you here to see him?"

"Yes, Eli is my husband. Can we go in?" I ask him.

"It's fine. Mom said if you get here while she's examining him to tell you to go on in," the boy tells me seriously.

"Mom, can I wait out here until she's through checking on Dad?" Uriah tries to put off going in.

"Yes, you can both wait out here until Doctor Caroline is finished," I decide quickly, since I don't know want I'm going to find when I get in there.

Taylor stands out of the way as Doctor Caroline ties up Eli's gown when I come in. "How is he?" I ask.

"He's very much the same. I was hoping to see some improvement, but…" Doctor Caroline's voice trails off.

"Is there anything we can do?" I ask, hopeful that there will at least be something I can do help Eli.

"Talk to him. Bring his sons in to see him," she answers.

"The boys are outside talking to your son," I tell her.

Doctor Caroline laughs. "He's probably picking their brains. My son has a good amount of curiosity about other Factions." I find it odd that she sounds like she's bragging about that.

"Did you find anything new?" I ask hesitantly.

Doctor Caroline gives me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, there is still no change. Why don't you go get your boys? I'll stay for a little bit and see if there is any reaction. I should warn you, if we don't see something soon, our next step is going to be to scan for brain activity."

Taylor gives a small gasp at hearing this.

"I'm hoping we'll see some kind of reaction from him." Doctor Caroline is quick to reassure us.

Without saying anything, I step outside the room to let Ezekiel and Uriah in.

"You have an underground river in your faction!" Doctor Caroline's son sounds jealous.

"Bet you don't have anything that cool." Uriah taunts him.

"Well, we have…" the boy pauses, like he's trying to figure out what he has to match that.

"Will!" A young girl's voice calls out. She walks with purpose, her green eyes flashing behind a pair of glasses and a matching crease between her eyes. "What are you doing talking to them?"

Will doesn't back down as he looks at her. "I'm learning about another Faction, if you must know, Cara."

Cara rolls her eyes at him. "You shouldn't be talking to them. You'll learn all about their faction when you're older. Faction history will cover everything you need."

"I doubt that." Will shoots back. "I bet is doesn't tell us they have a river running through their Faction. Can you imagine it?"

I hide a smile thinking that, although Gayle never would have rolled her eyes at me, if she had ever seen me talking to someone from Dauntless, I would have gotten a very similar speech from her – in private. "Ezekiel, Uriah, it's time to see Dad."

"Is he the head trauma?" Cara is blunt. It comes off sounding a little rude.

"Yes."

"I'm sure my mom has told you he can probably hear you, so make sure you talk positively, and if possible, talk to him about things he would want to be involved in. When you talk to him, you have to believe he's going to get better," she instructs us.

"Dad _is_ going to get better," Ezekiel responds firmly and walks away from her, into Eli's room.

"Hi! Dad, it's Zeke," Ezekiel introduces himself to Eli as soon as he walks in. "What are you doing laying around Amity?"

There is no reaction from Eli, but that doesn't keep my chatterbox from sitting down on the edge of the bed and talking to Eli. Doctor Caroline looks at me quizzically. I want to laugh, when I realize this isn't much different from some of the other times I've seen Ezekiel and Eli "talk" at home.

I hide the smile and look back at Uriah, who stands just inside the door. He looks at Taylor instead of at his father. I keep an eye on him and quickly realize that he looks anywhere except at Eli. I catch Taylor's attention and stretch my neck to point my head at Uriah. She looks at him and gives me a small nod. After a few more minutes of listening to Ezekiel tell Eli about school and how unfair his teacher is to him and the rest of the Dauntless kids in his class, Taylor walks up to him and puts her arm around him. "It sounds like you've had a rough day. Let's see if Amity has a treat for you and Uriah."

Doctor Caroline slips out of the room ahead of them. I guess she's seen what she needs to see.

Ezekiel jumps off Eli's bed and tries to bribe him. "If you wake up while I'm gone, Dad, I'll give you mine."

Uriah tries to leave with them. "Uri." My single word keeps him in the room. After they disappear out the door, I talk to him. "It's your turn. Don't you want to talk to Dad?"

Uriah shakes his head, looking at the ground, refusing to look at Eli or to meet my eyes.

"Uriah," I lean down so we are at the same level. My eyes matching his. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" A tear slips from Uriah's eye. "Dad is in a bed in _Amity,_ and he won't wake up!"

I hold Uriah close and let him cry.

* * *

When Leeann and Nick get back from the walk they were on when the boys got here, Leeann offers to take the boys home. She tells me to stay, that she will stay at our place tonight and get the boys off to school in the morning. Taylor decides that she and Nick will go to the Amity cafeteria and offers to bring me back some dinner so that I can stay with Eli. I thank her for it, but privately I wonder if I'll be able to eat anything.

After they leave, I find myself wondering if she is hoping to find Tami, if she's giving me some time alone with Eli, or if it is both.

It doesn't matter. I'm glad to have him to myself. I feel selfish keeping his mom from him, but I need time with him, too.

I hold his hand as I sit next to him; my other hand traces the stubble on his cheek. "Come on, Eli. Wake up. You have Uriah worried, and me. Just squeeze my hand."

I wait silently for him to obey my command.

Nothing.

"Eli, I'm serious, you can't just lie here." I try chiding him. There is still no response.

Standing up, I lean over and kiss him. Still nothing.

A chill runs down my spine. There is nothing.

* * *

At dinner, Nick persuades Taylor to go home and sleep. When they get back, he starts to say something to me about going with her, but I glare at him. "Do you really think I can sleep in that bed, by myself, tonight?"

Too late I remember that, being single, Nick has no idea of how different it is to sleep in a bed one's spouse should be in, but isn't. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped like that. I know you were just trying to help."

"It's fine, Hana. We're all a little stressed right now, and I didn't think about it. I'll stay here with you in case you need anything, if that's alright," he offers humbly.

It's not. I'd rather it just be Eli and me tonight, but after the way I just treated Nick, I can't tell him no.

* * *

In the morning, Doctor Caroline kicks Nick and me out of the room before Taylor arrives. He isn't showing any improvement, and she has to run her tests today. Taylor joins us about ten minutes after Doctor Caroline starts.

Taylor paces for a few minutes, then mentions the idea of checking out the nearby apple orchard. I almost agree to it, remembering how peaceful it was there when I was here to help Natalie and I was mourning my baby.

But I'm too afraid to go there. That is where I met Sophia and Tami. Even though today is a school day and they should both be there, I have this unreasonable fear that if I go to the orchard, at least one of them will be there. I'm not sure how I would handle meeting either of them today. I send Nick with Taylor, promising them that I'll be okay here by myself.

They are back shortly before Doctor Caroline is finished. Taylor looks disappointed, and I guess that means either she didn't see Tami, or there were Amity around and she wasn't able to talk to her.

Leeann joins us as we wait outside Eli's room, and we file back in when Doctor Caroline is finished. She promises that she will be back this afternoon once she has had a chance to review the tests. Her shoulders slump, making her look weary as she leaves.

* * *

It feels a like a bad case of Deja vu. There is something about the way that Doctor Caroline comes in that reminds me of going with Jazz to tell Tori about George. I want to yell at her to get out, the way Tori yelled at us after we delivered the news.

But I can't. I already know what she is going to say. I've known it was coming since I sat with him yesterday by myself. I haven't said anything, praying I was wrong, wanting to delay reality as long as possible.

Taylor reaches over for my hand. She squeezes it tightly. So it's not just me; she feels what is coming, too.

Leeann looks up from her post on Eli's other side. Her head starts shaking. Even from here I can see the tears in her eyes. Nick stands up from his chair and puts his hand on Leeann's shoulder.

We're as ready for the news as we can be.

* * *

It doesn't take much discussion for us to agree that Nick and Taylor will go get the boys. Leeann's going back to Dauntless with them so she can tell Chaz. They will stay there tonight and come back in the morning.

Tonight, my last night with Eli, we will be alone.

He's on his back with his arms straight beside him. I reach out and take his hand in mine, remember the first time I took his hand. We were playing Candor. I squeeze his hand, but he doesn't squeeze back. He never will again.

I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. Gently I place his arm back down and run my finger up and down his arm. His skin is still warm, and it would be easy to pretend, but I know _he_ is gone. I'm not sure how I know, but in a hidden recess of my heart, I know that whatever it was that made this body Eli is gone. Holding in a sob, I move his arm away from his body. It stays where I put it. I move his sheet off his torso and untie the top they have him in and pull the material away so his chest is bare, except for the wires on there to monitor him. We are alone and will be for the rest of the night. Doctor Caroline promised me she would have them leave him alone tonight. He takes up almost the whole bed, but I am small enough that there is just enough room for me. I climb in with him under the covers, needing to be close to him while I can. How many times have I cuddled up with him like this, his arm drawing me closer, holding me tight?

This time his arm doesn't move, doesn't bring me closer. Carefully, I reach over and wrap it around me, holding it in place with one hand. I kiss my husband's chest, and try to snuggle in and sleep in the security of his arms. One last time.

My ear is pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, but it's not really beating, not on its own, anyway.

The first morning I woke up with him I was so disoriented. After a couple of years of sleeping underground, waking up to sunlight confused me. Waking up with someone in my bed scared me for a moment, before I remembered the day before. Eli had pulled me to his chest that morning, positioning my ear over his heart.

 _"_ _Listen." Eli's voice is soft and commanding. "Do you hear what it's saying?"_

 _I listen, trying to figure out what he means. "What is it saying?" I finally ask._

 _"_ _It's saying what it will say until it beats its last beat." His chest rumbles with his laughter, but then suddenly he's serious again. "Ha-na, Ha-na, Ha-na."_

* * *

We're in Vi's garden. The sun has already set, and I'm waiting by the side for him to come. I watch the wavering lights of other factions on the horizon. His arms encircle me, drawing me into his chest. His arms hold me tight. I don't want to move. I want to stay here forever. I feel his breath on my ear as he leans in and kisses me right next to my ear. I turn in his arms. I lift myself on my tiptoes as he leans down. My arms wrap around his neck. "I'll always love you," he whispers as our lips find each other. I never want this kiss to end. I taste salt on my lips. My eyes flutter open.

Tears have fallen from my eyes and onto my lips.

I still hold Eli's arm around me. I lift my head. Taylor is asleep on the other side of the bed, holding his other hand with her head on the mattress. When did she get here?

I know she's seen how I've slept, but if she is here, than I must have slept longer than I thought I could. The boys are probably here somewhere. I should go check on them. We have been given a limited amount of time before Doctor Caroline will be here today.

I try to get out of bed without waking her up.

Her head lifts off the mattress as soon as I move.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," I murmur softly.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly.

We both know that neither of us is okay right now. I answer her truthfully. "I'm as okay as I can be. How about you?"

Her smile is sad. "About the same."

"Are the boys here?" I climb out of the bed and retie Eli's top and straighten up the covers.

She checks her watch. "No, it's only three am. Nick said he'd bring them after breakfast." We both watch him breathe. "I'm sorry. I know we agreed you had tonight with him, but I couldn't stay away." Her eyes fill with tears.

"No, you have every right to be here. I shouldn't have been selfish," I admit.

Taylor smiles and shakes her head at me. "You'll never change."

My eyes stray to Eli, desperate to hold on to every moment with him that I can. I think about the night he proposed.

 _"_ _Hana." I look at him. Our gazes lock on each other. "I love you. Not just for who you became when you transferred to Dauntless, but for the Abnegation parts that are still inside of you." I blink rapidly to keep the tears from falling._

I answer her truthfully. "He didn't want me to."

* * *

There's a soft knock right before the door opens. Nick, Leeann, and Chaz walk in with Ezekiel and Uriah.

"Good morning." I try to smile at the boys. My arms open for them both. Uriah tries to avoid looking at Eli and comes straight into my arms. Ezekiel, on the other hand, walks up to Eli first. He studies his dad's face. His shoulders sag when he doesn't see any change. He joins Uriah and me.

I manage, somehow, to get both boys on my lap. It's not easy. Despite the two years difference in their age, Uriah has Eli's build and has nearly caught up in height with Ezekiel. "We need to talk." I wish my voice was clearer. "Doctor Caroline came and talked to us about Dad yesterday."

Uriah snuggles closer into my arms. Ezekiel sits up straighter and squares his shoulders. I think they both know what I am getting ready to tell them.

"Dad's not…" I can't say it. There are so many reasons I don't want to say it, that I don't want it to be true. The two most important ones are sitting on my lap. I take a deep breath and try again. "Dad's not going to get any better." Can the boys hear the pain in my voice? "He's not going to wake up."

Uriah buries his face in my shoulder. I feel his tears seep through my shirt.

Ezekiel stays stiff and straight, like someone has put a rod through his body. Automatically, as if they were both still my babies, I rock them both back and forth, waiting for Ezekiel to relax. When he does, I continue rocking, cradling my babies.

"We had to make a decision. It's the hardest decision I'll ever have to make."

"You're going to unplug him." Ezekiel's voice is dull.

"Mom! You can't!" Stricken, Uriah pulls away from me.

I hear a muffled sob from either Taylor or Leeann. Nick or Chaz will have to deal with whichever one it is. I already have my arms full.

I look at Uriah and then at Eli. Uriah has avoided looking at Eli every time he's been in this room. He has to face facts; he has to look reality in the face.

"Uriah," my voice is tender as he looks up at me, "look at Dad."

Uriah shakes his head no.

"Uriah," my voice is more forceful. "Look at your father."

He glares at me, then turns and looks at his father.

"This is it. This is the life Dad will have. He will not wake up. He will not look at you. He will not smile, or laugh, or catch a train again." I blink hard against the tears in my eyes. "Is this what your dad would want? Is this what you want for your dad?"

Uriah doesn't answer me.

"If this was you…" My voice catches. I don't even want to think about something happening to one of my boys, but I need to make Uriah understand why we are doing this. "If this was all that life had left for you, what would you want me to do?"

"Let me go." Uriah is quiet for a moment. When he finally speaks, his voice is soft. "Let me go. Let me move on to where Grandpa is, where ever Dad will be, to whatever is next."

"I know that is what your dad would want, too." I swallow hard, trying to get past the lump in my throat. "So that is what we are going to do."

* * *

We all take our turn to say good-bye. "Do you want someone to stay with you?" I ask Uriah. He's going first.

Wordlessly, he takes my hand.

Everyone else leaves the room.

Uriah walks over and touches Eli for the first time. "Daddy? I love you, and I'll miss you, always." He stretches up on his tip toes, but he can't quite reach Eli. I lift him up and he kisses Eli's cheek. "Just so you know, I'm going to marry Marlene," he whispers into Eli's ear, "or Lynn. I haven't asked either of them yet, so I don't know which one will say yes. If both of them say no, maybe I'll ask Rita or Kari. You're the first person I've told, but I wanted you to know."

I hide my smile, set him down, and bend so we are close to the same height. "Anything else?"

Uriah shakes his head and grabs my hand. I straighten up, and we walk out to the room together.

"Ezekiel?" I hand Uriah over to Taylor and hold my hand out to him.

"Mom, will you be hurt if Uncle Nick goes with me?" Ezekiel kicks at the floor.

I want to say yes, but I need to let my boys do what _they_ need to do today, not what I want to do. "Nick, will you go with him?"

Nick walks over to the door, and they enter together.

We wait outside while first Ezekiel says good-bye, and then after he comes out, Nick says his good-bye.

Ezekiel stands next to me. He holds my hand, but it's no longer a child holding his mother's hand. Something happened in there. He's not clutching it, needing me to comfort him. He's holding my hand, and it feels like he is trying to protect _me_.

Nick comes out and Leeann goes in with Chaz.

I look over at Nick and raise my eyebrows. He knows me well enough that I want to know about Ezekiel. He mouths a single word. "Later."

Leeann and Chaz are quicker than I expected. Chaz leads her away from us. I can tell her shoulders are shaking. In a way, I think she's having more problems than I am.

I stand up. Taylor and I argued yesterday, each of us insisting it was the other person's right to go last. I finally won; since I got last night with him, she gets to say good-bye last.

Taylor's hand presses me back down into the chair, and she sets Uriah on my lap. "I came back last night," she whispers and hurries into the room before I can stop her.

I shake my head. She still won. How did she do that? He's her son. She has every right to be the last one to tell him good-bye, to delay reality as long as possible.

"Uri," Ezekiel's voice is soft. "When Grandma comes out, and Mom goes in, do you want Grandma or me?"

Uriah's hand moves from my shoulder and clutches his brother's hand.

We are a small circle while we wait. I look from Ezekiel, to Uriah, to Nick, who watches over us like a guardian.

Taylor comes out and Ezekiel tugs on Uriah's hand making him stand up for me. Then Ezekiel sits down and pats the spot next to him for Uriah. Uriah climbs in next to him. They are squished. The chair really isn't big enough for both of them, but somehow they make it work.

I don't know what force of will I use to walk through those doors. The room is silent except for the machines. It's funny, I don't think of silence in relation to Eli. Instead, I think of laughter.

I take his hand one last time, confidently, not hesitantly like I did the first time. I close my eyes and remember. We sit, almost touching, playing Candor. We stand close, discussing if we are going to tell everyone we are dating. It's the only way he'll get off for Visiting Day to meet my family, but we decide against it. Why did we do that? Would telling everyone we liked each other then have changed anything? I lean forward, put my arms around him and hug him.

I give my reasons for not wanting to get a tattoo. I can barely keep my hand from trembling as I place it close to my ear. He kissed me there that night up on the roof of the Pire.

It's my last time to kiss him back: by his ear, his other cheek, his forehead, his nose, his neck, and finally his lips. "I love you," I whisper as my lips leave his. "I always will."

I pull away and open my eyes. "Good-bye, my love."

I walk to the door to let everyone in.

We have timed it right. Doctor Caroline is now there waiting with them.

* * *

We put the boys on opposite sides of the bed. Uriah holds one hand, and Ezekiel holds the other. I sit on the bed on Uriah's side and stretch over Eli so I can hold both of the boy's hands. Behind us, Leeann touches Eli's arm. Chaz stands behind her, holding her shoulders. Leeann's eyes are red, but she seems to be under control again. Taylor is behind Ezekiel, touching Eli's arm. Nick stands behind me, holding Leeann's and Taylor's hands.

"Whenever you're ready." Doctor Caroline's voice is soft.

I look back at Nick. He's going to say it for us. "Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." His voice is so low it is hard to hear, but it is confident.

"Walk through the valley bravely, my son. Your father waits there for you." Taylor's voice is much like her nephew's.

I hear Doctor Caroline flip some switches.

Uriah clutches one hand, Ezekiel the other. I squeeze back, our knuckles turn white.

My eyes are on Eli, watching for his last breath. When it comes, I whisper one last thing to him. "Fear not. Be brave."

 **I'm sorry. If I could have figured out a way to have Eli live and stay cannon, I would have done it. I started with the idea Eli being discovered by Jeanine and Hana and Natalie getting him out, but… I had some canon problems with that.**

 **One- The Eli I created never would have left Hana and the boys. He would have taken them with him.**

 **Two- If he did leave Chicago without his family, he wouldn't have left the Bureau. He would have kept an eye on them, and he would have found a way to get Uriah out, or at the very least he would have been there with Amar to welcome Uriah when he got to the Bureau.**

 **There were even ideas that were given to me by some of you (sometimes unintentionally) of ways to keep Eli alive.**

 **One review made me think of having Zane and Eli change places since they looked a lot alike, but that involved too much memory serum, or Eli being Factionless using Zane's name and although that took care of problem one, it didn't solve problem two. If Hana knew that Eli was alive she would have somehow found him when Four went to take her to the Bureau.**

 **There was another suggestion that Natalie got Eli out without Hana knowing, but that would violate the trust they have in each other, and I couldn't see Natalie doing that.**

 **Then there was the idea that David pulled him out and didn't tell Natalie either! But with Natalie being the contact on the inside… I wasn't sure how to pull that off.**

 **And with the last two since this is all Hana's POV… you still wouldn't know Eli was alive!**

 **So…I tried. And if you really want to have Eli alive in your mind… I don't mind if you use your imagination for one of the last two options and just pretend that you know something Hana doesn't know.**

 **Blame Veronica Roth for this chapter. She's the one who wrote that Zeke and Uriah's father died when they were young. I kept him alive as long as I could. I don't think I can call Zeke "young" much longer…**

 **There is one small bright side for this chapter. If you want to know what happened when Nick was in Eli's room saying good-bye (including his perspective on Zeke saying good-bye) leave a review for this chapter. As long as you have a FanFiction account I would be happy to send you a PM for it.**

 **Oh, And as of this writing I still have all the POV's from Dauntless Gray and The Blackest Shade of Gray where I can send them out. So if you haven't seen one that you would like to** **,** **leave a review on that chapter, and I'll send it out to you.**


	59. Chapter 59 - Endings and Beginnings

**Thank you to everyone who took the time to review the last chapter. I know it was a hard chapter. It was hard to write, too. A couple of you made coments about the foreshadowing of Uriah's death. Hana was so calm, so matter of fact when she talked to Four about it that it just felt like it was something she had experienced before.**

 **Just a couple of things that came up in PM's generated by the reviews. This is NOT Allegiant. The ending is written. There are a few rough chapters to get through, but... it does have a happy ending.**

 **The question was also asked as to how many chapters are left. The original idea was to end at 64, the same length as Dauntless Gray... I have finished writing Chapter 64, it is not the last chapter. Right now, it is 67, but I'm still writing. I am guessing 67 and 70.**

 **Thank you, as always, to Bahrfamily for this chapter and every other one.**

 **Chapter 59 Endings and Beginnings**

Time is almost up. I twist my hair into a simple braid and walk over to my chest of drawers. On top is a small plain wooden box. It has been here for years. After today, the box will still sit here, but it won't be the same.

I pick it up and hold it to my heart. All those years ago, Eli and I agreed that we just couldn't let her be alone. We kept her with us ever since then, but our agreement was, when the first one of us died… I blink tears from my eyes. When the first one of us died, whoever was left would finally let go of her. It wasn't supposed to be me who had to do this, and neither of us was supposed to have to do this for several decades.

Leeann and Nick are both aware of this. Both of them are aware because, after Jazz and Rais both died in the train wreak we wanted to make sure that if anything happened to both of us at the same time, there would be someone to do it for us.

I look at the doorway. Leeann is there, hovering close by in case I need her.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and motion her in. She puts her arms around me but says nothing. In this moment, there is nothing she can say, nothing anyone can say. One of my arms clutches the box, while my other arm clutches her, as the tears seep from my eyes.

I have to let go of both of them today. I'm not ready to let go of either of them.

I finally get enough control of myself that I can move away from Leeann. The door to our room – my room – is now closed. I hope I missed Leeann closing the door when she came in, and that neither of the boys saw me crying. We never told them about their sister. I am not strong enough to tell them about her today.

Without a word, Leeann takes the plain silver urn off Eli's chest of drawers. She holds it in both hands. Her eyes glisten with tears.

I set the box on his chest of drawers and carefully remove the lid from the urn. Then I take the lid off the box and carefully pick it up. I had forgotten how little there was in there, how tiny she had been. I tip the box into Eli's urn.

Father and daughter reunited, at last.

I blink hard to clear my vision. I put the empty box on Eli's dresser. When we get back, I will close it back up and decide what to do with it, but for now, I'll leave it there, as open and as empty as I feel. I pick the lid to the urn back up and replace it.

"Thank you." My voice is hardly a whisper.

"I couldn't let you do it alone." Her voice isn't much louder than mine.

We stand there in comfortable silence, both of us mourning our loss.

Leeann is the one to break it. "We need to be going."

I take a deep breath, but it is another that doesn't offer nearly as much air as it should. She offers me the urn and I take it. Together we leave our room – my room.

I find the boys together in the bathroom, tying their ties together, like they always tied them with Eli. They create new knots, try out odd angles. Their eyes are bright with amusement, each of them trying to outdo the other with how ridiculous they can make it look. It is good to see them happy again, even if it is just for a moment. Ezekiel catches me watching them and nudges Uriah. Their play time stops. Both boys become instantly serious, like they have just remembered why they are dressed like this.

I watch them straighten out their ties and tie the knots correctly. I don't recognize the outfit that either of them wears. It scares me for a minute, while I think that I must be losing it if I don't even know what clothes my sons have. Then I realize that if Leeann took me shopping for a new dress, Nick must have taken the boys shopping for new clothes, too.

Ezekiel's tie is perfect, but his collar is flipped up on one side. My hand reaches out to flip it down. Uriah's tie is crooked. I straighten it up next, and check them both again. I nod my approval. "Your father would be proud. It's time to go," I say in a choked voice.

* * *

The pit is already full by the time we get there. There is part of me that is appalled by the drunken behavior I see. Eli hardly drank at funerals. It seems so wrong to see so many people who have obviously had too much to drink at his. I wish Ava was here. She would have been my first pick to speak today. Her strong demeanor and calm way of mothering the faction would fit the way I feel today better than any of our current leaders. But Ava is "dead". There is nothing that can change that.

After the boys, Chaz, Leeann, Nick, Taylor, and I find places to stand close to the platform, Max, the family's choice, steps up onto it. His eyes scan the crowd like he is looking for someone. I start looking myself, wondering who it might be, but his eyes never land on any one person, and when he has finished looking over the whole crowd, he clears his voice and and the gong rings.

The Dauntless give him their attention. It is fast, for them: a sign of respect for Eli that brings a lump to my throat.

"We are here to say good-bye to one of the best and the bravest," Max begins. "Eli Pedrad, Dauntless by birth, Dauntless by choosing, Dauntless by life."

My mind wanders for a moment, thinking of how true that is. Eli wasn't just born into Dauntless, he didn't just choose to stay in Dauntless, he chose to live Dauntless. He overcame his fear of marriage and having children that he developed in his childhood and married me, had a family with me. I glance at Ezekiel, thankful that Eli chose to be brave when I told him we were going to be parents. I hold the urn tighter. Even after we lost our Angel, he was brave enough to try again. My eyes turn to Uriah, thankful Eli was brave enough to try again after we lost our daughter. If he hadn't been, I wouldn't have Uriah, my miniature Eli.

Eli was brave enough to let me work for Natalie, brave enough to let me help other people, brave enough to keep in touch with and help his father when he went Factionless.

There is a piece of me that listens to what Max has to say, but it doesn't really register. I let it wash over me, and I am simply here, remembering my love, my life, my husband.

* * *

So many people stop by our apartment to give their condolences after the funeral. I lose track of everyone who comes and goes in the fog of grief. I keep an eye on Taylor, as she sits in our family room. Everyone knows she is mourning her son, but in my heart, I feel she is also mourning her husband, too, since she was never able to publicly do that.

I keep the other eye on the boys. They are unsure of what to do. Their friends come and try to cheer them up. Gabe talks Uriah into going to his room for a while and playing something in there. Once I hear laughter coming from the room, and it makes me smile, but the laughter is quickly gone. Ezekiel sits for a while, watching me. Then he gets up and checks on Uriah. When he is seated, Shauna sits by Ezekiel, letting him talk about whatever he feels like, whenever he feels like it.

Sultana stays close to me, helping me put out food for the people who come by, and cleaning up with me as the day wears on. It reminds me a little too much of the way I helped her when Rais and Jazz died. I take deep breaths, hoping to get enough oxygen in a room that feels void of it. My head aches; it's not a normal headache. It's not pounding, it's just there. I don't know how I know it is caused by pent-up grief, but I know that is exactly what it is. I just wish I knew how to get rid of it.

Around the boys' bedtime, the procession stops. I am so out of it that I send them to the bathroom to get cleaned up before bed at the same time, something I haven't allowed them to do in years, since it always ends up with a water fight and more work for me to clean up.

But today it doesn't matter. The boys are solemn and do nothing to try to liven things up, or even to extend bedtime.

I tuck in Uriah first. He clings to me as I tuck him in. "Dad knows I love him, right?" he asks.

"Of course Dad knows that." I cup Uriah's face in my hand.

"You know I love you?"

I kiss his forehead. "I know it. I love you, too."

Uriah lays down. "I don't know if I can sleep without Dad."

I stand up. I don't know what to tell him; I've been wondering the same thing all day. I lean over and kiss him again. "Ezekiel and I are still here. Try to sleep," I whisper in his ear as I walk away.

Ezekiel's mood is just as somber, but in a totally different way. "Are you okay, Mom?"

I try my best to smile at our first born, but I know it is a weak imitation of the smile I used to give him. "I'm fine, Ezekiel. Don't worry about me. You get some sleep."

Ezekiel opens his mouth, like he is about to say something, then shuts it again.

"What were you going to say?" I ask him.

"Nothing," he answers quickly.

"What were you going to say?" I press him.

"I wish you would call me Zeke, now. Dad always called me that and…"

I've always had the impression that Ezekiel preferred his nickname to his given name. There is a part of me that is surprised it has taken him this long to make the request. "I'll try. After nine years, it may take me a while to break the habit." I look at him, and give him a small smile. "Zeke."

Ezekiel gives me a smile in return. Not as wide as I think it would have been if I would have started to call him that before Eli's accident, but it's a smile nonetheless, and today I'll take it. I give him a kiss on the forehead and tuck him in. "I love you," he tells me, much like Uriah did. Like he's afraid I don't know that. Like he wonders if his father knew that.

"I know you love me, and Dad knew that you love him, too," I assure him. There is a little relief in his eyes. "And we both love you, too." I kiss Ezekiel – Zeke – on the forehead and walk to my bedroom.

My bedroom. The pronoun so often mistakenly used in the place of "our" suddenly feels lonely. This room is no longer our room. It is simply my room. There is no longer anyone to share it with. I close my eyes, fighting the tears that want to form. When I have control again, I open them and look around the room. Angel's urn is still open on my dresser. I walk over and touch it reverently. If she were alive, our precious little girl would be eight. Would she be able to do what the boys don't seem to be able to do? Would she be the one who would cry openly? When she died, her urn had been what I turned to many times in my grief.

That brings Uriah to mind. Maybe he will sleep better if he has something of Eli's to hold onto. I glance about the room until I see Eli's sweatshirt on the foot of the bed. He must have taken it off that last night and thrown it there, intending to put it up after he got home from Amity. I lift it up and smell it. It still smells like Eli. I want to keep it. I want to put it on and wrap him around me, but before I do, I need to check on Uriah. If he is asleep, then I can keep it, at least for tonight, but if he is awake, he needs it even more than I do.

I don't let myself clutch it to my aching heart, the way I want to. I gently fold it over my arm, and carry it to Uriah's bedroom. He's lying there, trying to sleep, with his eyes wide open. Without a word I walk over to him and kneel next to the bed. I hand it to him. "See if this helps you sleep."

Like me, the first thing he does is hug it tight and take a deep breath, just like I did. I see him relax just a little. "Thank you."

I brush a kiss on his forehead and leave the room.

I check Ezekiel next. His even breathing and arm hanging off the end of the bed convince me that he is asleep.

Thanks to Sultana, the kitchen is nearly spotless, but I need something to do. It is too early to attempt to sleep in an empty bed. My mind won't focus enough for me to try to play cards. I decide to wipe down the already clean counters just to have something that I can do and pretend it is productive. Instantly, the air is gone from the room again. I take as deep of a breath as I can, but it is not enough. There is no way to get enough oxygen into my starving lungs. I put down the rag and concentrate on my breathing. In and out, in and out. It is the only thing I am able to do. I count the breaths, almost as if I worry that one of them will be my last, but in reality so that I can focus on something besides the searing grief. At breath fifty-two, I hear a soft knock on the door.

It doesn't occur to me how late it has gotten for a visitor. I move to open the door, not knowing whom to expect. For one wild moment, I think it could be Natalie coming to check on me, like she did when Angel died.

But it isn't Natalie who stands there. It is Sultana. She comes in without waiting to be invited, closes the door behind her, and takes a good look at me. Her voice is gentle, reminding me of Jazz, and I wonder if she learned it from her daughter-in-law, or if it is instinct. "Hana, every death is different, and everyone mourns differently. I would have never made it through the first night we had Amar without Kamil being there. What do you need? How can I help you through tonight?"

Before she asked that, I would have told her there was nothing that she or anyone else could do. There is no one who can face the empty side of the bed for me, no one who can change that. As soon as the words leave her lips, though, I realize that I have been around people all day. Dauntless has said good-bye to Eli. We went to the Chasm, and Max eulogized him. We went to the Echo Chamber, yelled his name, and spread his ashes. People have been in and out of my home all day long. It is quiet now, but I need to get away. I need time and space to myself away from these walls. "Can you stay here with the boys while I get out of here, for a little while?"

Sultana's smile is small. "I would be happy to."

* * *

When I leave the apartment, it is to the Echo chamber, where we spread his ashes, that I think I will go. But when I get to the elevator, I am on auto pilot. Absent-mindedly, I press the button. When the door opens I find myself on the top floor of the Pire. My feet head to the stairway to the roof – to our roof. The place where I know I will feel Eli the best. The garden is bare in the March cold. The promise of spring won't be here yet. I won't be able to stay for long, since I only grabbed a hoodie and not my heavy jacket.

I head towards the edge, and stop in my tracks. My eyes are playing tricks on me, and I can't move. I can't even breathe.

He waits for me at the edge of the roof, in the same spot where I waited for him to give me that first kiss. I walk to him in a trance, my feet using memory to find their own way through the planters, my eyes unable, unwilling, to move from him for fear I that I if I do I will discover he is a vapor, a figment of a grieving mind, and he will disappear forever.

He doesn't fade as I grow closer. He becomes more solid, more real, but he also becomes smaller. He is too short, his shoulders are too narrow. I stop short of him, and he speaks.

"I always wondered if he ever brought you here."


	60. Chapter 60- Anger

**Thank you to everyone who continues to read this story, and especially those of you who take a moment to leave a review. It helps me to keep going.**

 **There were two guesses- Nick or Zane- as to who is on the roof top with Hana, and a definite opinion of who it should be! Here you go, the answer to who was waiting on the roof top to be there if Hana showed up.**

 **Thank you to Bahrfamily who made sure this one was ready so you wouldn't have to wait too long to find out who it is!**

 **There is a read and review at the end of it. It might be Monday before I get it out to you. I almost forgot about it because it was written years ago, and just got it to Bahrfamily. If she doesn't have a chance to edit it before Monday, I'll send it out and you'll have a better idea what she spares you from!**

 **Chapter** **60 Anger**

Grief messes with my mind. It makes me long for something I can never have, makes me yearn for something that can never exist again: the promise of one more look, one more word, one more touch, one more kiss.

Nick continues reminiscing. "I decided to bust you and Eli, one day when you were dating. I had a reason to be looking for him, and it was the perfect excuse to find out if I was right, that the two of you were dating under our noses. You were on nights, and Eli had offered to go in early to work, something he never did voluntarily before you came along. I figured you were together and guessed you would be up here, but neither of you were. It was a hot, muggy day. I was looking for him shortly before a huge storm. I guess either I was wrong and you weren't together that day, or you were meeting somewhere inside that day to avoid the rain."

I know what day he's talking about. "That was the day Carly broke her leg." It comes out as a statement more than a question.

"I was looking for Eli to let him know before I went to check on her," Nick confirms.

My eyes close, and I take a deep breath. The chill in the March wind disappears. I feel the sun beating down on us, our clothes sticking to our bodies from the humidity, and the pelting rain when the storm caught us unaware outside. I reminisce softly, barely realizing it. "We were together that day. We left Dauntless so we could be alone and got caught in the rain. Leeann found me before I made it back to the apartment to get dried off, and let me know about Carly. I went with her so she could tell Eli about Carly. He must have gotten back shortly before we got there. He opened the door wearing a towel – only a towel – so it looked like he had just gotten out of the shower." Something between a laugh and a sob escapes from my throat. "Only he had really just pulled up his pants. Leeann didn't notice it, but you could see his pant leg just peeking from under it."

"My sister never has been the most observant person," Nick responds wryly.

"How is she doing?" I ask, realizing how selfish I have been. She's been there for me since the moment she and Nick told me Eli was hurt. I saw her break down a couple of times, but I've never been the one to check on her.

"Chaz and I talk. She's had her moments, but really, she's handling this better than either of us thought she would." Nick sounds relieved.

I'm not sure how to respond to that, so I say nothing. We are both silent, lost in our own thoughts, taking in the city lights against the darkened sky. I shiver without realizing it, until I feel a coat being draped around my shoulders. I look questioningly at Nick, realizing that his jacket is now wrapped around me.

"I should go back. Sultana is in our apartment in case the boys wake up. If they wake up and I'm gone…" I try to hand his jacket back to Nick.

Nick puts it around my shoulders again. "I'll go with you."

* * *

Nick's familiar knock sounds and the door opens without waiting for a response. "Uncle Nick!" Uriah jumps up from the table where he has been just watching me work on lunch. I'm in no mood to deal with people. We tried eating in the cafeteria yesterday, the day after Eli's funeral. Everyone seemed to feel like they needed to come up and say something to us. I know they meant well, that people just wanted us to know they are here for us, but it was difficult to get through. Today I want peace, and the boys seem to, also, so we stay home to eat.

"Hi, Uri!" Nick swings him up in a hug. "How are you doing?"

"Okay. Watching Mom make lunch. It's kind of boring," he confides to his uncle.

Nick laughs. It's not the joyful laugh the Pedrads have always had. It is simply a laugh. "Tell you what. Why don't we see what Zeke is up to? Maybe the three of us can play a quick card game, unless you're mom has lunch ready."

Uriah looks up at me hopefully. Zeke has been too busy today for a little brother. He decided to do the laundry for me today, and his inexperience in doing it has meant it is taking longer than it should.

Lunch is almost ready, but Uriah needs this. I can take a little bit longer to finish it. "Go see if you can get Zeke to join you."

* * *

After the boys are tucked in, I stand in my room and look around. Here, I can almost forget that he is dead, and in a way that makes it more painful when I remember he will never be back. The room still shows his presence. His clothes hang in the closet. I walk over to the bed and pick up his pillow. I bury my face in it. It still smells like him.

With the way my schedule rotated and his was steady, he slept more nights in this bed without me than I did without him. I've discovered in the last week that I can sleep in an empty bed during the day, but I can't sleep here at night. I stand here contemplating attempting it again. Suddenly, I can't breathe again. The weight of my loss crushes my chest. Even taking slow deep breaths, there is no way to get enough air.

I put his pillow down and pick mine up. I'll cry myself to sleep if I try to use his pillow, and although I know tears would bring relief to the headache that is starting to build again, I can't chance that the boys might see me cry. I have to stay strong for them. I carry my pillow into the family room where I have slept ever since I came home without him.

Not the couch. I move to the recliner. The couch is more comfortable, but I've discovered it doesn't work either. I wasted so many nights sleeping there, when I was pregnant with Angel and he wasn't speaking to me, that I can't sleep there now that he is permanently gone.

I curl up on the recliner. As I try to drift off to sleep, my mind whirls, like it does every night, and a lifetime of memories crowd in on me. Tonight they start with Eli giving me pointers on how to fight when I was in training and he had stopped by to see Jazz. Eli sitting by my bedside in the infirmary after Jude gave me a concussion. I remember how nervous he was when he asked me out the first time. His very first kiss, the one he placed on the back of my hand. It was the risk he took on Risk Day, but never told anyone else about. One at a time they come, and it feels like my memories are trying to overwhelm me.

It's funny: when Angel died, all I could do was sleep. Now that it is Eli who has died, I have problems sleeping.

* * *

I blink, trying to figure out what has woken me up. The sound of the doorknob turning makes me realize it must have been a knock on the door. I move slowly from the fetal position that I finally fell asleep in, sometime well after midnight, to try to see who is entering my home.

It's Nick. I stand up and watch him duck into the kitchen. He's back out before I can head in there to see him. "There you are!" He sounds relived to see me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask groggily.

"I wanted to talk to you about eating breakfast in the cafeteria. The boys go back to school in two days. I think it would be good for them to be around their friends, at least a little bit, before they go back to school," he explains reasonably.

He's right. I know instinctively that he is right, but I'm not ready to face the cafeteria again.

Nick starts to walk towards me, encouraging me. "You can do it. I know it won't be easy, but…" As soon as he reaches me, his voice trails off and he stares at something just behind me.

"What's wrong?" Unable to see what he is staring at, I am puzzled by his reaction.

He answers me softly. "Hana, are you sleeping in the family room?"

I realize then that he saw my little nest on the chair. I didn't mean for anyone to realize that I can't face the empty bed. "I had problems getting to sleep last night."

Nick stuffs his hands in his pockets and, after the briefest of moments, gently asks, "Just last night?"

I want to lie; I want to assure him it was just last night, but his eyes, which remind me of Eli's, compel me to tell him the truth. "I have problems sleeping every night."

For a moment he says nothing, just looks at me with sympathetic eyes. "I'm not even going to pretend I have the slightest idea of how hard it is, but I remember Eli worrying about you when he was in leadership training. He came by my place one night and told me how you were sleeping on the couch until he got home, and how he tried, but he couldn't convince you to go to bed without him."

I feel the weight of that time, fighting with Eli, Nick coming to check on me to make sure I was okay. "Did Eli tell you what was going on?"

Nick looks shocked that I think Eli might have confided in him. "No, Hana. Eli was upset and wouldn't tell me anything except that you sleeping on the couch was worrying him. I could tell that something bigger than that was upsetting both of you, and I turned into a busy-body hoping to help."

"I did appreciate you checking on me and offering to help with Ezekiel," I assure him.

There are a couple of moments of silence before Nick asks me, "What were you two fighting about?"

I can't tell him what we were fighting about because it was… my heart drops instantly as I realize that I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't given one thought to my promise to Eli since the accident. I answer with a dull voice as the full realization of this hits me for the first time. "It doesn't matter. It's over now."

* * *

I straighten my shirt as before I walk into the school. The boys are supposed to come back tomorrow, but there is something that I need to take care of before they do. Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders and walk through the door.

"May I help you?" an Erudite woman with glasses perched on top of her salt and pepper hair asks me from the front desk.

"My name is Hana Pedred. My husband died recently, and I've been told that my sons, Ezekiel and Uriah, will be expected to see one of the counselors before they are allowed back in class." I'm proud of myself. I said it without my voice cracking or even shaking.

The woman pulls the glasses down to her nose and shuffles through a pile of papers. "Ah, yes. I see they are scheduled to see her tomorrow."

"I would like to see her today," I say firmly.

"It's not standard," she tells me primly.

I put both hands flat on her desk and lean in. "I want to see her before she sees my sons. My sons are Dauntless. I want to meet whoever it is in Amity that will be talking to them before they do."

She looks at me over her glasses. I hold her gaze. Sultana told me if I was going to do this, my best chance of getting past the watchdog at the front was to be confident and be willing to out-stare whoever is there. Suddenly she looks away. "Let me see if she's available."

She briskly walks away. I have to concentrate not to fidget while I wait for her to come back. It takes her longer than I feel like it should, but she does come back and give me an insincere smile. "This way, please." I follow her down the hallway and we take the first right. There is a door there labeled simply, "Mrs. Bush." The door itself is covered in drawings. "You may go on in. Mrs. Bush is expecting you."

I take a deep breath, afraid of who I am going to find on the other side of the door. Sophia once told me her mother is a school counselor. I never thought to find out which school she is the counselor at. I'm not here as what I am pretending to be, a Dauntless mother concerned about what the Amity counselor will say to my sons. I'm here in case Eli's sister is the counselor in the lower levels.

My greatest fear sits behind the desk. We look at each other without so much as a blink of acknowledgement that we already know each other. "I understand you are concerned about your sons seeing a counselor. Why don't you close the door and we can talk."

I close the door on the lady who showed me in and walk over to the desk. Tami's control slips at that point, her hazel eyes rapidly filling with tears. "I already know. I heard that someone from Dauntless fell from one of the trees when he was repairing a camera. It wasn't too hard to find out who was in the infirmary. I tried to come see you, but…" Tami buries her face in her hands. She rocks herself back and forth in a small slow motion. "I'm sorry." She lifts her face, wiping away the traces of tears as she does. "He was your husband. How are you doing?"

The Abnegation part of me aches to comfort Tami, to take her pain away, even if it is only for a moment. But I can't take her pain away, any more than she can take mine away. I reach out and gently touch her arm. "Tami, he was more than just my husband. He was your brother before he was my husband."

"But I left him." Tami's voice is a choked whisper. "I left all of them years ago. I chose a different faction over my own blood."

I understand her feeling all too well and feel compelled to remind her of that. "I left my family, too. I know that, even though it is faction before blood, you never stop loving them."

* * *

"Come on, Hana. Come have lunch with me," Leeann pleads with me. "Chaz is working on an elevator that isn't running, and I don't want to eat alone."

For a moment, I consider lying and telling her that I've already eaten, but I can't. "I'm not hungry."

Her forehead puckers in concern. "You didn't each much for breakfast. Have you eaten since then?"

"I'm not hungry," I repeat rather than answer her.

"Hana," she gently touches my arm. "You have to eat."

I want to ask her why, but I don't want to cause her any more concern than I already have. "You're right. Let's go."

* * *

Nick's knock sounds on the door, but before I can wipe my hands on the kitchen towel, the boys both push back from the table where they are doing their homework and the door opens.

"Uncle Nick!" they yell in unison and scramble to him.

Nick wraps an arm around each of them. "What are you two up to?"

"Homework." Zeke makes a face.

"Homework?' Nick makes a face similar to Zeke's. "What kind of homework do you have?"

Uriah sighs heavily. "Same homework I have every night. We have to read for twenty minutes."

"I'm having to learn my times tables. It's just so hard," Zeke complains.

"How much time do you have left?" Nick address himself to Uriah first.

Uriah looks at me for an answer. I check the timer. "Ten minutes, if he gets back to it." I look pointedly at my staller.

Nick smiles. "You read, while Zeke and I go into the other room and work on math. Maybe when you are done, we can talk your mom into all of us going down for Dauntless cake."

* * *

"I'm short!" I move slowly from the kneeling position on the counter to a seated one. "When you are short and you need something off a high shelf, you have to do something to make yourself taller."

"Don't you have a ladder?" Nick reaches out a hand to help me down.

"I never needed one before," I admit, with tears filling my eyes. "I was never the tallest one in the house before."

Nick shoves his hands in his pockets. "Then we need to get you one now." I start to protest. "Hana, this isn't up for debate. It's not safe. Either you get yourself a step ladder for the kitchen, or I'll get you one."

* * *

There's a knock on the door and knob turns. I already know who it is. Well, not for sure, but it is one of two people. It's either Leeann or Nick, most likely Nick, and whichever one it is, they are checking on me, again, to make sure that I am here, that I didn't do what their father did, that I didn't abandon Eli's boys. This _has_ to stop. I realize their dad started by leaving them by themselves at night, but surely they realize by now I'm not their dad. These are my boys. Most days they are the only reason I have for being upright. They say they trust me to take care of them, but… they certainly don't act like they do.

I am right; Nick is the unfortunate soul who walks into my family room.

"I'll be right back," I mutter and sweep past him. Sultana has told me if I ever need someone to watch the boys, she or Kamil would be happy to come over. I hope one of them is available right now.

I try to knock rather than pound on the door.

Kamil opens the door. "Hana!" He takes one look at my face and his bright tone changes to worry. "Is everything ok?"

I swallow the comment I want to say and smile, as best I can. "Everything is fine." He can tell I'm lying; my voice is tight with unleashed anger. "I need to talk to Nick, and I don't want the boys to overhear it. They're both asleep. Could one of you come and sit with them just in case they wake up?"

Kamil smiles a knowing smile at me. "One of us will be right there."

I thank him and turn back to my apartment. He closes the door, but I can hear him talking to Sultana through it.

"Hana found anger tonight." There is the hint of a chuckle in his words. "Do you want to go sit with the boys while she gives them an earful, or should I?"

Over-hearing his comment doesn't help my frame of mind as I walk back to my apartment. Of course I found anger. They're treating me like a child. They act like I can't take care of my own kids. Eli trusted me to take care of them if something happened to him. Why can't they?

I march back into my apartment. Nick is looking a bit bewildered at the way I took off. I look Nick straight in the eyes. "As soon as Sultana or Kamil gets here, we're going somewhere to talk."

"Okay…" He draws out the word and stares at me like I've grown a third eye. "Are you alright?"

I press my lips together. It's all I can do not to explode on him right now.

He looks at me for a minute. "I'm going to take that as a 'no'." His voice is wary, but not as wary as it probably should be.

Sultana shows up at that moment. "Take your time." She smiles at me.

"Thank you." I march out of the room, leaving Nick to follow me. I don't look back to make sure he is following but head straight to the elevator and push the button to go up. The roof top is the only place I can think of that will be private enough for this discussion.

It is the last place I want to go. If I see the garden, I might break down, but I don't want anyone else to overhear this conversation. If I stay on the elevator side, I can do it. I just won't think about or go near the garden.

Nick gets in the elevator with me. "Hana?" he tries. There is another person in the elevator. I glare at Nick. I'm not airing a family dispute in front of anyone else. I punch the button for the roof.

The other person gets off at the next floor, but I stare straight ahead at the elevator doors, ignoring Nick until they open on the roof top.

We step out, and as soon as the doors close, I turn around and explode.

"Do you really think I'm a child that has to be looked after?! Eli trusted me to take care of our boys! He knew I wouldn't leave them! I can understand you have trouble trusting me, but can't you trust Eli on this?! Do you have to show up constantly and make me feel like I can't be counted on to take care of my own sons?!" I have never yelled so loud in my entire life. It feels strangely good.

Nick looks shocked. I don't know what he was expecting when we came up here, but this outburst was obviously not it.

"I am _not_ your father! The only thing that is keeping me going right now is those boys! I won't fall down on the job! I _won't_ fail them or Eli! I _need_ to be their mother! I _need_ you to trust me!"

I feel my anger radiating off me while I wait for a response, but Nick just stares at me. This is getting us nowhere. I don't know what I thought would happen, but him staring at me like I've gone crazy isn't what I expected or needed.

I turn back to the elevator. If he's not going to say anything, I'm going back home. I'm going back to Ezekiel and Uriah, and I'll just start locking my door so he can't walk right in. I take a step towards the call button and he grabs my arm and whirls me around to face him.

His normally kind brown eyes are snapping with anger. "You think I'm checking up on you? You think you're the only one who needs those boys?" His voice is low with the rage that's building up in him. "I need to see them; I need to see that there is a piece of Eli that is still around, that he's not completely gone from my life. Eli was more of my brother than my cousin. He protected Leeann and me when Mom died and Dad abandoned us. You don't get it. Me coming by doesn't mean that I think you can't or won't take care of the boys."

Nick takes a deep breath trying to calm himself down. "Hana, when you and Eli got engaged the family all agreed that you were the only one we could think of that fit into this family. You were the _only_ one _any_ of us trusted to be there. Even back then, we all knew if, if…" Nick tips his head back and takes two deep, shuddering breaths and then he looks back at me, "if anything like this happened, you would do what you've done. You'd take care of Eli's kids. You'd put what they need in front of what you need, but," Nick's eyes hold mine and I can see the glimmer of tears in the starlight, "it's my turn to watch over someone for him. I owe him that much. I need to see you, so that if you _do_ need anything, I can take care of you for him. I don't expect you to need me, but how else do I pay him back for saving us?"

For a moment we just stare at each other. The fight is completely out of his eyes. I feel the fight leaving my body.

"I need to see that _you're_ strong so _I_ can stay strong," Nick whispers.

I feel tears pricking at the back of my eyelids.

His eyes glisten in the moonlight.

I take a deep breath. It shudders on the way in. "I'm sorry I yelled…"

Nick smiles. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't trust you."

I let my head tip back and look up at the stars to hide the tears that are about to fall. "Do you think he saw this?"

"I don't know." I hear Nick's quiet laughter. "Did he ever see you yell like that?"

The tears are gone. I look back down. "Yell, yes. Yell that loud? I think you're the first."

Nick and I are both quiet, lost in our own thoughts, our own pain.

"Hana," he finally breaks the silence. "The one thing my dad did right when Mom died was send Leeann and I to an Amity counselor."

I remember going there before, when our little girl died. I shake my head. So much has happened since then. Jazz died, and I found out Lois, the grief counselor, is – was – her mother. I can't go to her with another loss.

"Hear me out." He puts up a hand. "I'm not suggesting you or the boys go." He takes a deep breath. "At least not yet. One thing she told us is that there are stages of grief. Things everyone goes through." Nick looks at me with eyes so close to Eli's that I almost feel like Eli is the one talking to me. "Everyone gets angry. It's okay that you're mad."

I remember Lois telling me that when Angel died. We discussed that fact that I skipped anger. "I'm not…" I start to deny that I am in anger now. I can't be mad. It's just not in me.

"It's even okay if you're mad at Eli for leaving you."

I shake my head. It's not okay that I'm mad at Eli. Eli didn't leave us on purpose.

"It is, and if you need someone to yell at, come get me. We'll find someone to watch the boys. We'll come up here, and you can yell at me some more." Nick is serious, but there is a hint of mirth in his voice.

I laugh. I haven't laughed in a long time. It feels good. Just for a moment. It feels right, like maybe one day I really will be able to be happy and laugh again.

Nick reaches out and pulls me into a hug. "It's okay to be mad. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to yell at me. I promise. I won't take it personally."

I pull out of his embrace. It's not Eli's. I don't really want it. "When your mom died, and your dad left, who did you yell at?"

I don't know why his answer surprises me. It shouldn't have.

"Eli."

 **I can't remember if I've mentioned before, but there is one character that I have NEVER had control of. When I start writing things, I can think I know exactly what this character is going to do and then suddenly he does or says something and... everything changes. This read and review proves he has a mind of his own. So, if you want to see a little bit of Nick's day after the fight... Leave you're review.**

 **Just remember in order for me to send it to you, you do have to have a Fanfiction account and be set up to receive PM's.**


	61. Chapter 61- Another Good-bye

**Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! As I write this author's note** **,** **The Blackest Shade of Gray** **has** **699 reviews! Which means** **that** **during this chapter it will hit 700 reviews! You all continue to amaze me! Thank you for your support and encouragement. If you read and never publish, let me tell you that a simple review, no matter how short, always encourages the author. You taking time to read is our payment. Writing a review is like a bonus! It helps keep me focused and working on this story. (And as this one starts to wind down has me starting to ponder what I'm going to write for you next!) (I know I've told some of you this is the last one but… I've got another story starting to percolate in my brain. We'll have to see if it comes out or not.)**

 **To those of you who reviewed the last chapter and got Nick's POV, I appreciate your feedback on it. I'm not nearly as apprehensive about this chapter as I used to be!**

 **Thank you Bahrfamily for finding the time to edit this** **chapter** **(and** **more than** **120 others!)**

 **Chapter 61 Another Goodbye**

I check on Uriah after I tuck Zeke in, to see if he's asleep yet. He's not. "Mom, is Uncle Nick still here? I have a question for him."

I questioningly raise my eyebrows at him, wondering if this is another one of his stalling tactics. "I'll make it quick. I promise. It's important." Uriah's voice waivers.

I take a moment to look at Uriah, to judge if he is sincere or just trying to stay up a little longer. His dark eyes look troubled about something. Hopefully talking to Nick will help. "Okay." I kiss is forehead. "I'll go get him." I walk out to the family room where Nick waits for me, and tell him, "Uriah wants to see you."

"Is he trying to stall?" he asks with a knowing smile.

I bite my lip, then answer, "I don't think so. He seems to be upset about something, but he didn't tell me what. You'll have to ask him."

I follow Nick to Uriah's room and lean in the doorway while Nick goes on in. "What's up, Uri?"

"Uncle Nick?" Uriah sits up back up in his bed.

"Yes?" Nick sits down on the side of the bed.

"You don't ever have to climb trees for your job, do you?"

Nick shakes his head. "No, Uriah, I work inside all the time. No trees for me."

"Good." Uriah's voice is relieved. He lies back down; his arms wrap around the sweatshirt of Eli's that he has slept with every night since Eli died. "I don't want you to die, like Dad did."

Tears form instantly in my eyes. I quickly push off from the doorway and head for the family room. As soon as I sit down, I bury my face in my hands, taking deep breaths as I fight against the sobs.

It's not long before I feel Nick's gentle touch on my shoulder. I take a couple more deep breaths and then look up. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Nick's voice is choked up. He looks at me for a second, then kneels by me, gently wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

For a moment we're both quiet. "Is it ever going to get easier?" I finally ask.

"Eventually," Nick assures me. "It doesn't feel like it now, but eventually it will start to get easier."

We lapse back into silence while I attempt to stem the flow of silent tears.

Nick shifts his position. "Hana?" His voice is soft and unsure.

"Yes?"

His gaze holds mine. "What are you planning to do?"

The weight of his question pushes down on me. I've been so busy learning how to be mother _and_ father, that I've ignored that question every time it has reared its ugly head. "I'm still trying to figure that out. I have a month and a half before I have to go back to the control room. I love my job, but…" I swallow hard. "I don't see how it's going to work with the boys. The constantly moving shifts…"

"You know Leeann and I…"

I shake my head. I will be a failure as a parent if someone else raises my boys. "Nick, I can't expect you and Leeann to take over the boys when I work late. They're my sons, and you both have your own lives."

Nick laughs mirthlessly. "I don't."

"You do." I reach out and touch his arm. "You should."

"Right now, the most important thing in my life is keeping an eye on you and the boys."

"Nick…" I stop, unsure of what to say. His words make me realize for the first time that not even Nick thinks I can pull this off by myself. I have to prove him wrong.

We just look at each other. His eyes are so much like Eli's. For a moment I want to pretend they are Eli's. I want to ask Eli what he wants me to do, but I can't.

Nick clears his throat. "I ought to get going."

I stand with him, and we walk to the door together.

"Are you going to bed tonight?" He's learned to be very exact with that question after he discovered me sleeping in the recliner that night.

"I'll try to."

"Hana," he stops at the door, "it's okay to need help. That's not the same as walking out on the boys."

"I know that here." I point to my head. "I'm not sure I always accept that here." I point to my heart.

The next thing I know, Nick hugs me. It's the first time he's tried to hug me since I yelled at him on the roof top. It still doesn't feel right, to have someone other than Eli or the boys hug me, but this time I don't pull away as quickly.

It feels good to have someone else's strong arms take the weight, even if it's only for a minute.

* * *

The memory serum is untouched in the vials Natalie gave to me. I hold it up to the light and twist it around, like I expect it to change colors, show me how it works, or do something.

I used it – only one time – on Max. I wiped out about an hour of his life. If I drink some now, would I really forget the last week, the last month? Could I forget that Eli is dead? If I drank enough, would I forget Eli entirely? I grip it in my hand. This is too much. The idea that someone has created something that could take Eli away from me in the only way I still have him is nauseating.

Today, a piece of me regrets using it on Max, robbing him of a piece of his life, fabricating a timeline that never really occurred, but in the same situation… I would do it again. There is no way of knowing if I could trust him with the truth that Ava is alive. If I remember correctly, his fear, like mine, is what is beyond the fence. I speculate for a moment, wondering if I still have that fear, or if working with Natalie changed it. Would knowing what I know change it for Max? I have to wonder what he would do if he knew about the Divergent. Would he protect them like me, or murder them like Jeanine?

I find myself questioning how history would be changed if I hadn't given it to him. If he knew about what lies outside the fence, would he have kept them from testing the rest of the faction? Would Jazz and Rais and the rest of them be alive? Would Marley still be around, unscarred, to make her cracks about me? Or would he have found a way to make sure that all of them were dead, and every Divergent that Danika has protected since then along with them?

There is no way of knowing.

I freeze as I hold the first vial to put in in my bag, as an unwelcome thought pops into my mind. Could Natalie be under orders to make me drink it? If I quit working with her, will she be required to wipe out my memories of everything we've done together? If she does that, I will lose Eli along with my memories of Natalie.

I don't want to lose either of them. My thumb catches on the stopper. I could empty all of them, and fill them back up with water. I doubt anyone would be able to tell. My memories are mine. No one should be allowed to take all that I have left from me.

I keep a hold of the first vial, gazing through it, noticing how it distorts the view. I guess it comes down to what this has always come down to, from the very beginning. Do I trust Natalie?

* * *

The last thing I do is slip my tablet into the bag. It is as if I am waiting to break my connection to Natalie until the very last moment. It fits easily into my bag. The bag I've carried for years. It seems funny to know this is the last time I will carry it. I look over at the bag I bought to replace it. It's close, but the shape is a little off. I don't think anyone will notice the change, and if they do… I have a story to cover for it. I've learned over the years to always have a story to cover everything.

Glancing at my watch, I see that it is time to go, one last time, to the room where we've spent countless hours. So many things in my life are ending right now. I feel like my life itself is ending a piece at a time. Part of me doesn't want this to be one of them, but I promised Eli, and I can't break _this_ promise.

Leeann has the boys tonight. She didn't even ask why. I'm grateful for that. In spite of the fact that I always have a story, this time the only story I had ready is that I need some time alone. That's so far from the truth. I don't want to be alone right now, but I can't tell her the truth, that I need to see Natalie. If I did, she would never believe me. A long time ago, before Leeann and I met, she and Natalie were friends, but then Natalie transferred to Abnegation, and because it is "Faction before blood", Leeann doesn't even know that Natalie and I have crossed paths more than twice, and even those encounters were so brief and so many years ago that I'm not sure Leeann would remember them at all.

My feet are familiar with the route to Natalie's old room, so I travel it without thinking. The hallway is empty, like it normally is. I twist the knob to run the loop and walk into the room for the last time.

It's one of those rare times when I've beaten Natalie, which is fine with me. I left early, hoping to arrive first. I could use a few moments with my memories. My hand traces the back of the chair. Natalie never could sit correctly in it. It is her lasting rebellion against Abnegation.

My feet take me to the sleeping area. It was just yesterday that Natalie and I lay side by side on this bed and talked about Eli and Andrew after running into each other at Buckingham Fountain, wasn't it? I hear our teenage laughter, our excited voices as we shared our hopes and plans for the future. There were so many things back then that we could only share with each other.

The first tear slips out of my eye. If I could go back to that day at Buckingham Fountain, when we first found out about each other's secret boyfriend, would I change anything?

Only taking even one moment with him for granted.

A gentle hand touches my shoulder. I didn't hear her come in, but I don't jump. It seems natural for us to be here together.

For a moment, we just stand in companionable silence. Natalie is the one to finally break it. "I'm so sorry."

I thank her with a small smile. There is nothing more for either of us to say.

She pulls me into an embrace. Here, in her arms, I could cry. I could cry the way I've needed to, but haven't been able to. For the first time since Eli died, there is no Taylor, or Leeann, or Nick, or Ezekiel, or Uriah here to be strong for. Crying, _really_ crying, would be okay here.

I've decided there are different types of tears and different types of crying. There are slow steady tears a person cries cry one at a time and still looks good doing it. There are tears of pain and hurt that rain down cheeks, where eyes close and mouths press into a frown. Then there are tears from the depth of a person's soul, the ones that come only when everything is shattered, and nothing will be right again. These tears pour down one's face and cause a person's whole face to contort and allow a wail to escape from the depths of the soul.

So far, I have cried mainly the first type of tears. A couple of times I have allowed myself to slip when I was alone in the shower with the water to hide it, and I have cried the second type. So far, I have been brave and kept my fears and my pain buried deep in my heart. I have not cried from the depth of my soul like I want to, like I need to.

"It's okay," Natalie's quiet, gentle voice assures me. "We always keep each other's secrets."

At her assurance, the flood gates open. Every pain, every feeling of loss and desperation from the last few weeks, escapes, and I sob I her arms.

* * *

When I have finally cried myself out and calmed down, we find ourselves lying on our stomachs on the bed. My fingers trace the random pattern of the blue patchwork quilt in an attempt to distract myself. "I always wanted to ask you. Why an Erudite quilt?"

Natalie smiles. "No one has ever asked me that. Not even when I lived here in Dauntless did anyone seem to notice it was out of place and ask." She looks down at the quilt and starts tracing the lines, too. "David, my boss on the outside, wanted me to go to Erudite, not to Abnegation. He thought this would remind me where I was supposed to go."

"It didn't work, huh?"

"Oh, it worked. I _remembered_ where I was _supposed_ to go," Natalie assures me. "But a quilt couldn't make Erudite the right choice for _me_."

I nod, understanding her more than I probably should.

The silence is comfortable. It always has been with us.

"You're finished, aren't you?" Natalie reluctantly breaks it with a whisper.

"I promised." My voice breaks. I take a deep breath and try again. "I promised Eli a long time ago, that if anything ever happened to him, I'd stop. I need to be here for Ezekiel and Uriah. They've already lost one parent; I can't risk them losing another. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Natalie smiles at me. "I never expected to have help. The time we've had together was more than I ever dreamed I would have."

"There is one more thing I need to let you know, though," I start.

"What?" Natalie asks me.

I take a deep breath. "Did Eli talk to you before he died?"

Natalie looks surprised. "Why would Eli have talked to me?"

I bite my lip. "He had told me he was trying to decide if he needed to talk to you or not."

"Hana, Eli had no way to get in touch with me, except through you, and _why_ would Eli have talked to me? You know better than I do how much he disliked all of this," Natalie answers earnestly.

"He wouldn't tell me much, but this is what I know. He and the boys went to the training room one night. The boys came back all excited, because leadership was there, working out at the same time. Eli was short-tempered with the boys that night. When they weren't around, I asked him what happened. He told me a member of leadership had a tattoo that matched the one Marley saw the night she was attacked," I admit.

Natalie looks at me, stunned. When she recovers, she clarifies, "Someone in leadership, not just someone else who was there?"

"I wasn't there, but he told me if we accused them, and we were wrong, it would be treason. He was trying to find out more, but if he did, he didn't tell me about it." I tuck a piece of stray hair behind my ear and look at Natalie.

"He promised to tell me if he found anything!" Natalie sounds aggravated with him. "I guess I have to take over looking into it from here."

"I'm sorry. I wish I knew more."

"I appreciate you telling me this much," Natalie assures me.

We both lapse into silence. I don't know what Natalie is thinking about, but I'm trying to think if there is anything else he told me. She breaks the silence. "I don't want to go, but I'm going to need to leave soon. Where's your bag?"

"My bag's over there." I point to it on the chair I used to sit on. "Everything is inside of it."

"Everything?" Natalie questions me.

"Everything." I hold my breath, waiting to see if she brings up my biggest concern.

"Memory serum?"

There it is. My biggest worry, that of everything I have, that's what she's going to take account of, so she can use it on me. Nervously, I confirm, "Memory serum."

She stands up and walks over to the bag. She searches through it until she finds the containers of memory serum. She takes all of them out and walks over to the kitchen. She pulls a handful of dried stoppers out of her pocket and sets them on the counter. Her thumb pops the lid off the first one. "It's a good thing," she puts the stopper down and proceeds to remove the next one, "that you haven't needed to use this again," she proceeds to remove all of the stoppers as she talks, "since the stoppers dried out, and now they are empty." She pours them down the drain. She starts replacing the good stoppers with the dried-out ones. You can tell that it would be natural for the liquid to have leaked out of them.

I look at her a moment and realize my thought at home was right. She _is_ supposed to wipe out my memory. Then the realization hits me, that since our first meeting, my trust in Natalie was right, too. She is not willing to take my memory. "Thank you," I whisper, letting her know I understand what she has just done.

"You'll never tell." Her simple words show she has the same trust in me that I have in her.

"We'll always keep each other's secrets." I repeat her words back to her. Then we're both quiet, lost in our own thoughts. There is one more thing I have to tell her. "Natalie…"

Her green eyes find mine. "Yes?"

"If the time ever comes when you need to get Amar out, let me know what you need."

"Hana," she starts, and then stops, unsure of what to say.

"I promise I'll help you if you ever need to get him out. Anything at all that you need to keep him safe, I'll be there. I owe Jazz and Rais that much." I know Amar is in danger, and I can't let him die like his parents did.

She looks at me evenly. "Okay."

I get up off the bed. We're finished. No point in putting it off any longer. I walk over to the kitchen and hug Natalie. "I'm sorry."

Natalie hugs me back. "I'm not sorry we had this time together, Hana. I'm not sorry you discovered my secret."

"I'm not sorry for that either," I admit.

"The only thing I am sorry about is Eli." They aren't empty words of condolence. She means them.

I blink away the tears. "Thank you."

She pulls her tablet out, since I no longer have one, and checks the hallway for me. "You're good to go."

"Good-bye." I open the door and then close it behind me one last time. It's the end.

* * *

"What has you worried?" Nick's voice cuts into my thoughts.

"What makes you think I'm worried?" I try to sound more confident than I feel right now.

Nick gives me a pointed look. "Since you've put the boys to bed I've tried talking to you about the tattoo that Tori is designing for Leeann in honor of Eli. I've tried talking to you about my visit with Taylor last night. I've tried talking to you about…"

I stop him with a laugh. "Okay, okay, I've been a little preoccupied tonight, but that doesn't mean I'm worried."

Nick raises one eyebrow at me. "Do I need to do something to tick you off and make you yell at me, so that I know how you really feel?"

"Being a single parent is hard," I admit aloud for the first time. "Uriah hates to have me out of his sight, and I keep getting notes from Zeke's teacher about his talking in class. I'm not sure what to do."

Nick chuckles. "There's nothing you can do about Zeke. Ask Aunt Taylor. It's just a sign that he is Eli's son."

* * *

"I didn't…" Ezekiel starts as soon as I walk through the doorway to the waiting area outside the principal's office.

"I don't want to hear it right now, Ezekiel." My voice is sharp with frustration at my failure. It's one thing to get a note from the teacher that Zeke is talking in class. That's normal and has been ever since he started school. It's another thing entirely to get called into school by the principal because he was involved in an altercation!

It's even more upsetting, because I was informed that it wasn't even a couple of Dauntless blowing off steam. He was caught going toe to toe with a boy from Erudite.

His shoulders slump, causing me to realize just how sharp I was. I take a deep breath to calm myself down. It's not his fault. He's just a boy without his father, stuck with a mother who is failing at her job. "We will talk to the principal here, and then you and I will talk at home," I say in a gentler tone. I don't know the whole story, so I shouldn't get mad at him yet. I need to wait, like Eli would have.

"Yes, Ma'am." Ezekiel hangs his head.

On the other side of the room, an arrogant-looking Erudite boy smirks to see Ezekiel getting in trouble. He brushes a lock of dark greasy hair out of his eyes. There is something about him that looks familiar. I try not to stare at him as I struggle to place him. None of my childhood friends transferred to Erudite. His eyes don't match Tori's and George's, so unless he's related to Bekah and Helena, I don't know where I would get the resemblance from.

The door opens again and a couple walks in. The other boy's parents, I assume. The father head to the son and grabs his arm. "What were you thinking?"

"I just…" His tone is insolent.

"Steven, let go of the boy." The ice-cold no-nonsense tone of her voice causes me to look more closely at her. As soon as I see her, I know why I know him. The woman who just came in isn't the boy's mother. His mother is dead.

Jeanine pauses just a moment by them. "Eric, I assume there is a good explanation for this."

Eric looks at her with a cocky smile. "There is."

She gives him a curt nod. "Steven, I'll handle this." She strides to the principal's door, give two firm raps on the door, and opens it. "Betty, I'm sure what happened with Steven's boy…" The door closes on the rest of her words.

"He started it," Ezekiel mutters under his breath. I give him a hard stare. He doesn't know it, but in the last five seconds I have become firmly on his side.

I glance at Steven and I find myself wondering, does he even think about Marisa? Is he haunted by his memories? Does he regret what he did?

He scratches his bicep. His fingers lift his short-sleeved light blue dress shirt when he does.

I force myself to look away and not stare, but it's hard to make myself do so when I see what is branded on his body. My heart pounds. He has a tattoo. He came from Dauntless. I wish I had a way to contact Natalie. I returned everything two weeks too soon. I close my eyes, picturing the tattoo, burning it into my memory. The flames of Dauntless, with an Erudite eye peeking out of it.

The person who attacked Marley, Renee, Steven, someone in Dauntless leadership… who all has this tattoo? And what does it mean?

* * *

"What happened?" I ask Ezekiel once I've checked that we are the only two on the train.

"Does it matter? You won't believe me." His sullen accusation strikes me in the heart.

"Ezekiel, I said I didn't want you to tell me there, in front of those people. It's just you and me now. What happened?" I ask gently.

Ezekiel squares his shoulders and looks me in the eye. "Dad always said part of being Dauntless is 'ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.' Eric was picking on a Stiff."

My heart stops for a second, wondering if Ezekiel stood up to him because I was a Stiff, but I quickly remember my son doesn't have that piece of my history. "Why?"

"I don't know what started it, but the girl's mother is on the council and that boy was making remarks about the council and how… Mom, are you okay? Mom?" Ezekiel stares at me anxiously.

"What? Oh!" I wonder how much of Ezekiel said while I flashed back to Visiting Day when not only did my family meet my oldest son, but I met my sister's daughter. There is a chance, a very slim chance, that another member of the council has a daughter in Ezekiel's class, but I have a feeling that without knowing it, Ezekiel just stood up for his cousin. I can't tell him how proud I am of him. He knows I don't approve of him fighting, especially not at school, and I can't tell him about his cousin. "The principal dropped it, so we will too, but... I want you to know, your father would be very proud of you for what you did."

* * *

The sound of the opening door breaks into my scattered thoughts. I start to get up to see who it is. "I didn't figure you'd show up today." Usually, if Nick is going to come by, he does it before the boys go to bed so he can see them, too.

Nick walks in. "I wasn't sure if I was going to come. I've been doing a lot of thinking today."

"Oh," I curl back up in the recliner, "what have you been thinking about?"

"You." He sits down on the couch across from me.

"Me?" I ask, puzzled. "What about me?"

Nick leans forward. His elbows rest on his knees. "I want you to keep an open mind. Don't give me an answer tonight, or even this week."

I can feel my brow pucker. What is going on that he would give me these directions?

"It's like this. Things have changed and are going to continue to change, we both know that," Nick starts.

I give a small laugh. "Change is the only constant in my life right now."

"I guess it is." Nick takes a deep breath. "I've had two ideas about your job situation. I found out recently that there's going to be an opening in the records room pretty soon. It's not the most exciting job, but it's not shift work."

"That's a possibility," I say thoughtfully.

"The other idea…" there's a long pause, "The other idea will let you keep your job at the control room. Just do me a favor and listen to the whole idea. Don't jump to conclusions."

"Okay…" I'm curious as to why he would tell me not to jump to conclusions.

"We get married."

I feel frozen. The idea of _ever_ getting remarried hasn't even crossed my mind. "Nick, I..."

Before I manage to stammer out anything else, Nick stops me with a reminder. "You promised to listen to the whole idea. Zeke and Uri move into one room. I'll take the other. It will be just about like it is now, except instead of me going home at night to an empty apartment," he shrugs, "I'll stay here with you guys. I'll be here with the boys when you have to be at work when they are home."

"Nick, that's not fair to you," I protest.

"Hana, you know I never planned on getting married." He swallows hard. "I'm not Eli, I know that. I'll never love you the way he did. But I _do_ I love you, in my own way. And I love the boys, you know that. I can help you take care of them. I can take care of you, the way I _want_ to. The way Eli would want me to. I don't expect you to love me the way you did Eli, but I do," he swallows again, "I do think it would work out. There's even a chance that you could learn to love me, too."

I don't know how to respond to that, so I say nothing. It's a silent acknowledgement that he's probably right.

"If we ever decide to change the rooms, it would be because we, both of us, have decided to change it." Nick points from himself to me as he speaks. "And if we never change it, that's okay, too."

The silence stretches out between us. I feel like I need to say something. "Nick, I..."

Nick looks at me. His eyes lift up to mine, brown eyes, with golden specks in them. So close to Eli's eyes that it makes my heart hurt. I can see fear in them. He's afraid I'll reject him outright, that I won't even consider his offer. He has no idea how unworthy of his offer I feel.

In that moment, I decide I owe him something, I owe myself something, and maybe, in a strange way, I even owe Eli something. I owe all of us the honesty of time to really think this through. "Nick, I haven't even thought about … I need time to think about it."

"I told you I don't want an answer right away. I _want_ you to really think about it. The position in the records room won't even be announced for a month. Is that long enough?" He sounds concerned.

"It will be." I'm not sure if it really is long enough, but I can't keep him hanging forever. "Would you like to join us for dinner tomorrow night?" Normally I don't know when to expect him, he just shows up. Somehow it seems right to let him know that tomorrow night, he is welcome…expected, even.

Nick stands up, and I know he's getting ready to go. "I'll be here. Do you want me to bring anything?"

I laugh. "No! I can cook. No worries there."

"And there are worries if I cook?" He lifts a questioning eyebrow at me.

"Absolutely." I raise both of my eyebrows in response. "You normally bring the bread to family dinners."

Nick laughs.

"Come as early as you can." I stand up and walk with him to the door. "See the craziness that is really this family. Stay until after the boys are asleep. Get an idea for what life is really like."

"I'd like that."

We stop at the door. I'm not sure what to expect. This is Nick, and usually he leaves without touching me. But he just proposed.

But it is a marriage of convenience, at least to start, and neither of us knows if I can actually say yes.

He looks at me for a long moment, like he's trying to answer that question himself. "Good night, Hana. I'll see you tomorrow." And he walks out without touching me.

 **Here's the warning. I know that I told you from the beginning that this was going to be canon. The problem is… I didn't expect Nick to turn into the man he has.**

 **Before I started publishing this story, I decided that the cousin Hana was going to marry was Eli. I started publishing, got further into writing it, and Nick started taking control of his own destiny, surprising** ** _me_** **by things he said and did. I asked Bahrfamily if I could change my mind. (She said no.) I watched some of you start rooting for Nick… (Back when Eli was dating and defending Jude.)**

 **It surprised me when one day I realized that Nick would end up proposing to Hana after Eli died, that he would offer to give up his stand on not getting married to take care of Hana and the boys. At that time, I knew Hana would turn him down, but…**

 **One day I wasn't sure she would.**

 **I realize the idea is not completely canon, but… there is so little written about Hana, that it is** ** _possible_** **(although admittedly not likely) that Zeke doesn't point out his step-father/uncle to Four because he isn't there at that breakfast, that Nick wasn't there when Four came and got Hana and Zeke so they could say good-bye to Uriah so Hana (or Zeke) left him a note. (Remember she did ask for time, but Four said he couldn't give it to them.) I have to give Nick his chance. (And take the risk of doing ONE thing in this story that I have to admit probably flies in the face of it being canon.)**

 **What do you think? Should Hana marry Nick or not?**


	62. Chapter 62 Testing the Waters

**Thank you, thank you, thank you! A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to let me know what you thought of the last chapter! I have to admit that I was a little nervous about reactions. I'm still not one hundred percent sure where this is going to end up taking us, but… at least I know we're getting there together, right?**

 **The two consistent comments I got was that it seemed a little fast. I agree. (** **B** **elieve it or not, at one point in time things went a** **lot** **faster than they are going to in the next two chapters, but I realized everything was moving too quick and rewrote those chapters and added another to take care of that.) Just keep in mind** **that** **men like to fix things. Nick right now is looking at the problem that needs to be fixed (Hana's job) and not the emotions behind them.**

 **The other comment was about them just being roommates. Here's why Nick didn't go that route.** **First** **, Hana is from Abnegation, and although the dorms in Tris's day were co-ed in Dauntless, I doubt they were in Abnegation. In** **Insurgent** **,** **Tris and Susan hold up towels for each other to give the other one privacy in front of other women while they are washing up.**

 **Insurgent** **Chapter 10**

 ** _By the time we leave the bathroom, I wear jeans and a black shirt that is so loose up top that it slips off my shoulders, and Susan wears baggy jeans and a white Candor shirt with a collar. She buttons it up to her throat. The Abnegation are modest to the point of discomfort._**

 **The second reason is that Eli was against the idea of living with someone you weren't married to.**

 **Dauntless Gray** **Chapter 12 "Jobs and Housing"**

 ** _"_** ** _Well," she smiles, "I'm getting the connecting apartment. The plan is girls in one room, boys in the other."_**

 ** _"_** ** _No, you're not." Eli speaks up instantly. His voice is stern. "You are not sharing an apartment with Chaz."_**

 ** _"_** ** _It wouldn't just be Chaz and me." Leeann's voice is calm and reasonable. "He'll be in his own bedroom with the guys. I'll be in my own room with Angie, Hana, Bekah…" her voice trails off._**

 ** _I'm sure my face pales. I'm going to have to find somewhere else to stay. There is no way I'm going for this._**

 ** _"_** ** _We'd just share a living room and kitchen." She shrugs._**

 ** _"_** ** _I said no." Eli's voice is hard._**

 ** _"_** ** _I'm a member now," Leeann informs him. "You may be my cousin, but you can't tell me what to do."_**

 ** _"_** ** _I can on this."_**

 ** _Jude puts her hand on his arm, trying to calm him down. "Eli," her voice is soft. "It's not that big of a deal."_**

 ** _Eli pushes her hand off. "I don't live with you, she doesn't live with him." He crosses his arms._**

 ** _Leeann crosses her arms and stares back at him. "Then move in with Jude."_**

 ** _Jude brightens at the statement. Eli continues to glower at Leeann._**

 ** _"_** ** _Nick," Leeann addresses her brother. "Don't you have anything to say?"_**

 ** _Nick shakes his head. "Eli's got it under control."_**

 ** _Then suddenly Leeann laughs. "I told you," she says to Angie, "that Eli would put up more of a fight about the idea than Nick."_**

 ** _Angie shrugs. "You called that one. Now before this comes to blows, can you end this and tell him the truth?"_**

 **Nick admitted to Hana that he does love her. He's not going to go against her upbringing and Eli's wishes by living together before they get married.**

 **I know that was kind of a long explanation, but I hope that helps.**

 **Before we start the next chapter** **,** **thank you** **to my** **amazing Beta, Bahrfamily the Magnificent, who continues to know what is right in this story, even when I doubt it myself.**

 **Chapter 62 Testing the Waters**

"Uncle Nick!" The boys yell in unison when Nick walks through the door.

"How are my favorite nephews?" Nick asks with a smile.

"We're your _only_ nephews," Ezekiel points out to him.

Nick's forehead wrinkles as he scratches his head. "You know, I think you're right about that."

There is laughter at the way he pretends to think.

"Why are you here?" Zeke asks.

"I thought I would see if your dinner looks better than the cafeteria." He looks at the boys and not at me.

"I'm sure it is!" Uriah sounds excited. "Why don't you eat with us?"

Nick looks at me and, making sure the boys can't see me, winks. "If your mom has enough..."

"Uri, set the table for four." I direct as my answer.

* * *

"Who's the extra plate for?" Ezekiel asks.

"Uncle Nick, dummy," Uriah replies.

Before I can correct Uriah, Zeke does. "Don't call people 'dummy'. It's not nice."

Uriah rolls his eyes. "Then don't be one. Usually if we eat at home, Uncle Nick eats with us. You don't need to be Erudite to figure out who the fourth plate is for."

I didn't realize that we had become so obvious.

"Can't he go to the cafeteria without us anymore?" Ezekiel looks puzzled.

"He can, but he likes to eat with us," I answer, worried that Ezekiel's response means he doesn't like Nick being around so much.

"I like it, too." Uriah sneaks a bite of carrot off one of the salad plates.

"I like having him around, too," Zeke chimes in, giving Uriah a look for stealing the carrot. "It's almost like having Dad back."

* * *

"Why don't you join us?" Nick asks when he picks up the boys to go to the fights with Chaz and the rest of the guys and their sons.

It is hard for me to smile, but I try to. "I appreciate you inviting me, but I need a little time to myself."

Nick moves away from the boys and speaks softly to me. "Are you sure? Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, I really need some time by myself. If I can, I'll come join you later," I assure him.

He looks doubtfully at me but allows me to stay behind.

When they leave, I walk around the apartment, not completely sure why I need this time by myself. But I know that, selfishly, I do. As I look, I see Eli everywhere in our apartment. No matter what I settle in to do, no matter where I start to do it, I see a reminder of Eli.

I finally curl up on the recliner, wondering if I should just give up and go the fights. I would, except I just want to be alone. I wonder what I need to do next. The boys still need me. They are, and always will be, my top priority, even if I'm not doing as good a job of parenting them as Eli would.

Eli wouldn't get stuck like this. Eli would be able to move on better than I am. He did with Angel, after all. What is it that I need to do to start moving on?

There is a soft knock on the door, so soft that I'm not even sure that I really heard it, until the door starts opening. Nick comes straight to the recliner. "I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. If you don't want me here, I'll leave, but I just needed to make sure you are okay."

I smile and shake my head. "I'm okay. I've just been trying to sort through what I need right now."

Nick sits on the floor. He looks for all the world like he is settling in. "What do you need?"

I take a deep breath. "I'm not completely sure. I'm not ready to let go of Eli, but I think maybe I need to let go of some of his things."

Nick looks thoughtful. "What things?"

I think about the last idea that crossed my mind. "I'm thinking about cleaning out his clothes."

"That's probably a good starting point," he agrees.

"I know you aren't his size, but are there any of Eli's clothes that you want?" I check.

Nick shakes his head. "I might be interested in something else of Eli's, but like you said, none of his clothes will fit me. Do you want me to help you with cleaning out his closet?"

"I'm not going to do it tonight," I assure him with a weak smile.

"No matter when you do it, I don't think you should do it alone," he states emphatically. "You need to have someone with you. I can help you or Leeann can help you, or check with another one of our friends if you would rather. I'm sure that any of us would be happy to help."

* * *

"Do you regret it?" Leeann suddenly breaks the silence between us.

"Regret what?" I pause in folding one of Eli's shirts that will go to the Factionless.

"Do you regret loving Eli? Does the pain of losing him make you wish you never loved him?" She looks at me with Eli's eyes, and for a moment, looking into them, it feels like he is the one who wants to know if he was worth it.

"Do I regret loving Eli because some days it hurts so bad that..." I feel myself taking a deep breath, once again unable to get enough oxygen as, unbidden, the memory serum I returned to Natalie and the relief it could give me comes to mind, "that I wish I could just make the pain go away?" I finish without telling her my complete train of thought.

"Yes. Do you wish you had stayed in Abnegation and never met my cursed family?" She holds her breath like she is worried about my I answer.

I stare at Leeann in disbelief. " _Our_ family is _not_ cursed. Every family has issues, and everyone dies, eventually. I could _never_ wish I had stayed in Abnegation. Do you want to know what I _do_ wish?"

"What?" Leeann is desperate to know. I can see it in her eyes.

"I wish Eli and I had told everyone that we were dating sooner so we wouldn't have lost time together. I wish that Eli and I hadn't gone _months_ hardly speaking when I was pregnant with Angel and he was in leadership training. I wish could go back in time and do it all over again – the good times and the bad – knowing that our time together was going to be so brief, so I would have known to enjoy it more while he was here. I will _never_ regret loving Eli, and if the chance to love ever comes again…" I push the thought of Nick out of my mind. I can't think about him right now. "When I know it is right, I will take it and cherish it, knowing that it is worth the pain it might cause."

"And Angel?" She suddenly doesn't seem to be able to stop herself from asking.

"Do I regret Angel?" I verify that I understand the question before answering. "No, I may have only held her in my arms once, but I don't regret her, either. She was my first lesson about loss, my first lesson in living in the present and not missing the little moments. So many things in my life would be different without her. There are fights that might have dragged on much longer, moments with Eli that I wouldn't have stopped to enjoy, and times with the boys that I would have been too busy to participate in." I wonder, in that moment, how much longer Eli and I might have gone barely speaking to each other if he hadn't missed that doctor appointment. My voice is just above a whisper when I continue, "There are lessons to learn in loss. I would not be who I am today without those lessons."

Leeann is momentarily silent. When she speaks again, her voice is soft and her tone is thoughtful. "And what is your lesson this time?"

I try to smile, but truthfully, it is still difficult to form one these days. "I'm in the middle of learning the lesson, Leeann. When I know what it is, I'll let you know."

* * *

"Aunt Leeann has asked me to go shopping with her." I smile at Zeke's groan, which I knew was coming, since both boys hate shopping. "Since we're supposed to have dinner with Amar's family, I talked to Sultana, and she said you can come over now. I'll join you when we're finished."

Zeke brightens up instantly, but Uriah grabs onto my hand. "Let me come with you."

Puzzled, I look down at Uriah. "Why do you want to come with me?"

"I want to be with you." His brown eyes plead with me.

Zeke rolls his eyes. "Uri, let Mom go with Aunt Leeann. You would just be in the way. Playing with Amar will be more fun than going with them."

Uriah doesn't let go of my hand. "I don't know. Amar doesn't like playing the same things I do."

Zeke stops himself from huffing at his brother. "Then grow up."

Uriah crumbles a bit under his brother's comment. His hand grips mine harder. His brother's words sting. I debate for a moment if I should say something to Ezekiel, when he seems to remember that his brother is younger than Amar and himself. "You pick something you want to play, and I'll talk Amar into it."

Uriah looks tempted, and his hold on my hand loosens a little. "You'll have more fun with E- Zeke and Amar than you will with Aunt Leeann and me."

"You promise we'll play something I want to play?" Uriah checks with his brother.

"I promise."

* * *

"Uriah Pedrad!" Ezekiel's voice rings out. "Get down from there! What do you think you are doing?"

Uriah looks down at Ezekiel from the cabinet he is standing on to retrieve the dart gun I put up there last week when he shot it after being told to put it away. I told him that he could have it back today, and evidently, he decided on his own to get it.

"I'm getting my gun." He opens the cabinet door so he can get it off the top shelf.

"Get down. Mom will get it for you when you when you can have it back," Ezekiel commands.

"She said I could have it back today," Uriah persists and continues to reach for it.

"Uriah! You still have to wait for Mom. You could get hurt…" He breaks off what he was saying as I enter the kitchen.

"Zeke," I say firmly, "he's your brother. Let me handle this."

Zeke opens his mouth to say something, then changes his mind and sulks out of the room. Uriah looks triumphant.

"Get down, Uriah."

Uriah grabs the dart gun and starts to climb down.

"No, leave the gun there," I tell him firmly.

"You told me…" he continues to hold onto the gun.

I look up at him, my hands planted on my hips. "I told you that you would get it back today. I didn't tell you that you could get it yourself. It will stay up there."

"But Mom…" He still holds onto the gun.

"There's no 'but Mom'," I tell him firmly. "You can do as you are told, or it can stay up there even longer."

Uriah sighs, puts it back on the shelf, and climbs back down muttering, "Dumb, loud-mouthed Zeke. If he would have kept his mouth shut…"

"Do _not_ blame your brother for this. When I looked up there and it was missing, you would have been in a great deal more trouble," I inform him.

Uriah climbs down and comes close to me. "I'm sorry, Mom. I just wanted to play with it, and you said I could have it back today."

"I know I did, and I was on my way to get it, but Uri, if Uncle Nick won't let me climb up to get something, what makes you think that you can?" I reason with him, knowing that he wouldn't have pulled this on his father.

Uriah laughs.

"Kelly said Gabe wants to know if you can come over and play after lunch."

"Are you going to stay and talk to Kelly?" he asks quickly.

"Maybe for a little bit, but I'm sure Kelly has more to do than sit around and entertain me." I end with a smile.

"Why don't we have Gabe over there then?" Uriah proposes quickly. "Then you can keep Gabe out of her hair, and she can get even more done?"

It concerns me how close to my side Uriah keeps these days, like he's afraid if he can't see me, something will happen to me. I ruffle his hair, even though I know he doesn't like it. "We'll see."

* * *

"Mom," Uriah snuggles up to me, "You and Uncle Nick are just going to the fights, right? You aren't leaving Dauntless?"

I lean down and kiss the top of his head, being careful not to mess up his hair. "We're just going to the fights," I promise him.

"Aunt Leeann and Uncle Chaz will be staying with us?" he confirms.

"That's right." There is a knock on the door as I tell him that. "Why don't you go see if that is them?"

Uriah takes off at a run. Zeke's voice booms out from the kitchen. "Don't run in the house!"

Uriah makes a face and slows down, but I think that is only because he is almost to the door. He throws it open as soon as he gets there. "Uncle Nick!" he yells out and throws himself into his arms.

"Hi Uri. How's your day been?" Nick asks as they walk toward me.

"Long," Uriah tells him in all seriousness. "Do you have any idea how long school can be, especially on Friday when you have something special going on that night?"

Nick winks at me. "I can see where that would be the case."

There's another quick knock at the door, and it swings open. "We're here!" Leeann's voice sings out. "How are my favorite nephews?"

"Aunt Leeann!" Uriah leaves Nick and runs to her.

Nick feigns a hurt look, but Uriah is too busy telling Leeann about all the things he wants to do with her and Chaz tonight to notice.

"Okay, okay," Leeann laughs and holds up her hands in mock surrender. "It sounds like we have a lot to do tonight, but we can't do any of it until we get rid of your mom."

Uriah makes a beeline for me. He throws his arms around my waist. "Bye Mom! Bye, Uncle Nick." He shoots over to the kitchen. "Come on Zeke! Go tell Mom goodbye so they can leave!"

Zeke is a little more subdued when he tells us goodbye, but it doesn't take long and we are out the door headed to the fights.

"What did you tell Leeann?" I ask Nick as we walk to the elevator.

"I told her the truth, that you need a night away from the boys, and if she and Chaz would watch the boys, I'd drag you to the fights."

I laugh. He's right. I never realized how much I relied on my shifts, and Eli, to get a break from two rowdy boys.

We arrive in enough time to get decent seats. For some reason, I don't think of Eli much tonight. When the first fight starts, I think of Tyson. I remember how awkward it was, watching the fights with him on that long-ago date Leeann set me up on. I compare that time to sitting here now, with Nick. Nick is easy, and enjoyable. We cheer for opposing fighters to make things interesting. Neither of us are seriously into the fights, so neither of us is really upset with our fighter loses.

When we leave at the end of the last fight, Nick's hand brushes mine. The crowd is thick with people jostling, trying to get out quicker. I feel something I haven't felt in what seems like forever: a strong hand with callouses from catching trains, closing around my smaller one, linking us together. I close my eyes, using our joined hands to keep us together in the crowd, and for a moment I try to pretend. But his hand isn't quite large enough, and there aren't enough callouses. Nick doesn't ride the trains as much as Eli used to. I open my eyes back up.

If Nick took me to the Chasm tonight, like Tyson did when we went out, I'm pretty sure we'd just watch the water crash against the rocks. Maybe I'd even show Nick how to get down to the bottom, and we could sit on that flat rock I always wanted to try out on when I'd meet Natalie in the Crevice room.

If Nick did try to kiss me at the Chasm, I might kiss him back, just to see what would happen.

But, as I could have predicted, none of this happens. Instead, Nick walks me back to the apartment. Leeann and Chaz are waiting for us there. His hand lets go of mine long before we get there.

I hear Eli's voice, from long ago, telling Nick to be a gentleman and walk me back to my apartment. Eli admitted to me once that there was a time he had hoped to set Nick and me up. Was that an omen? His way of telling me that this is okay?

We're almost to my door. My month is almost up. I need to give Nick an answer.

"Nick." He turns to face me. "I know your answer."

 **So… what do you think her answer will be? The next chapter is written and being edited right now, but I would love to know what you think her answer will be, and what you think of this chapter! After all, I love reviews!**


	63. Chapter 63 - Managing

**I thought about leaving a long author's note to keep you in suspense a little longer about Hana's answer. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It was pretty unanimous that Hana should say yes! Guess it's time to find out!**

 **And thank you to Bahrfamily for her help editing this chapter!**

 **Chapter 63 Managing**

Nick is motionless, afraid to move, as my words hang in the air. I wasn't planning on giving him his answer tonight. In fact, until the words came out of my mouth, I wasn't actually sure what my answer was going to be. I see Nick swallow hard. "What's your answer?" His voice is soft.

"When you proposed, you made me promise that I would listen to everything you said. Will you promise me the same thing?" I ask him earnestly.

"Of course." His voice is down. He's expecting a 'no' from me.

I take a deep breath. "Nick, I still love Eli."

"I know," he interrupts me. "I'm not asking you to stop loving him."

"I know." I smile at him, more certain that I'm making the right decision. "I…I care about you, a lot. More than just as my late husband's cousin, but I don't love you, at least not yet."

Nick nods slowly. "You don't have to explain, Hana, I understand." He turns to walk away towards the apartment.

"You promised to listen to the whole thing," I stand firm and remind him.

Nick stops walking, turns around, and returns to me. "You're right. I'm listening."

"I think you were right when you told me that you didn't think it would take much for me to love you, but it's not fair to you for me to marry you because we both think I will one day. I'm going to take the job in the records room. Right now, I need time to mourn Eli. I need a chance to put the boys' lives and my life in order. When I've had a chance to do that," I quickly continue, my words starting to run together, "I want us to try dating. Not like Eli and I did where no one knew, and not like Dauntless teenagers do, making out by the Chasm. There has to be something in between the two extremes that will work for us."

Nick smiles at that.

"When we get to that point, we'll need to figure out what it looks like for us, for all four of us, because this is something Zeke and Uri will have to be involved in, too. If it doesn't work for all four of us, it doesn't work for any of us. I won't put my boys through that. I remember how hard Lauren made it on Kelly when Levi and Kelly first got married," I state firmly. I realized a couple of days ago that was one of my biggest concerns about marrying Nick. "I won't tear this family apart. We will need to be honest with the boys, Leeann, Chaz, Taylor…"

"Our friends," Nick adds.

"We'll need to tell everyone, eventually," I agree. "But first, I have to get my life put back together."

"Whatever you need, Hana. I can wait."

* * *

"Are the boys asleep?" I ask Chaz and Leeann when we get in the apartment.

"They went to bed late," Leeann admits. "But not so late that they are still awake."

"They've both been quiet for almost half an hour now," Chaz offers. "So, I'm pretty sure they are asleep."

"I'm going to go check on them. Would you like something to drink when I come back?" I offer as I start towards the bedrooms.

"No," Chaz stands up and stretches. "We should probably get going."

Leeann reluctantly stands up with him.

"Can you stay and talk, for just a little while?" I ask hurriedly. "My leave is almost over and I want to talk about it with all of you."

Leeann looks at Chaz. I can see her begging him with her eyes. "For a little while. I have an early day tomorrow," Chaz finally agrees as he sits back down.

"Thank you. The offer for a drink is still open." I'm relieved that they agree to stay.

"I'll take care of any drinks," Nick offers. "You check on the boys."

"Thank you." I walk into Ezekiel's room first. He's sprawled across his bed, as usual. One arm hangs off one side and a leg hangs off the other. I move his leg so that more of it is on the bed, hoping he won't fall out of bed tonight. Then I kiss his forehead and make my way to Uriah's room.

Uriah is sleeping in a tight ball. At first, I think Eli's sweatshirt is missing. Then I realize his hand is gripping the cuff of one arm, not the pillow it is sticking out from. He must not have wanted Leeann and Chaz to know he's sleeping with it. I sigh and kneel down next to his bed. He is the one I'm worried about. He seems to be stuck, not moving forward, always looking back. I watch his chest rise and fall a couple of times. Maybe I'm just expecting too much of him. I would stay and watch him sleep, but I need to get back to the family in the front room. I want to make sure we have time to talk without keeping Chaz up too late. I kiss Uriah's cheek and head back to the family room.

Nick stands up from his place on the love seat and walks over so he can hand me a glass of water. I smile my thanks and sit down on the recliner, putting my drink on the table next to it. It's one of those rare moments when I don't worry about being comfortable. My legs hang down, stopping before the floor. I fold my hands in my lap. I feel a bit like I'm back in Abnegation. "Last month Nick asked me what I intend to do about my job once I go back to work," I start.

"We can help you out," Leeann offers quickly.

Chaz speaks up almost as fast. "When you are on night shift, the boys can stay with us, and one or both of us can put them to bed and stay with them until you get home. Maybe we could even talk to Max and see if Leeann and I could get a two bedroom and the boys could share a room and just stay over with us." It sounds like they have talked about it.

"I can't ask you to do that." This idea sounds like a variation of Nick's idea, and I wonder for a moment if the siblings have talked.

"You aren't asking. We're offering," Leeann clarifies.

"They're my boys." The pronoun my still feels funny on my lips.

"Accepting help isn't the same as…" Leeann's voice trails off. "Nick, help me out here."

Nick holds up his hands in surrender. "Don't look at me. I've already made a similar offer. I've tried _everything_ I can think of."

I don't dare look at Nick right now. Leeann has no idea that when he says everything, he _really_ means everything.

"Nick told me there's going to be an opening in the records room. I'm taking that. It will allow me to still be here for the boys."

"Are you worried about one of them?" Leeann asks, amazed.

"Yes." Nick and I answer in unison. I smile at him, and he smiles back. It makes me feel good that even though we haven't discussed it, he knows about Uriah.

"Which one?" Chaz asks.

"Uriah." "Zeke." We answer at the same time again.

My brows knit in confusion. "Why would you be worried about Zeke? Uriah's the one who has had more problems adjusting."

"Uri is worried about losing any of us right now. Zeke…" Nick takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out like he is gathering his thoughts. "I never did tell you about what happened when he said goodbye to Eli."

It hits me like a blow to the gut. Suddenly, I remember the way Ezekiel held my hand after he said good bye to his dad. I remember Nick mouthing the word "later" to me after he joined us. I freeze, realizing in this moment that I never remembered to go back and ask him what happened. "I'm failing them," I think yet again. "I'm failing all of them. I'm failing Ezekiel and Uriah as a mother. I'm failing Eli. He thought I could do this, and I can't. I'm failing them…"

Suddenly, someone is holding my hands. They are strong, calloused hands. "Hana." It's Nick's voice, speaking forcefully to me. "Hana, look at me."

I realize in horror that I must have spoken my thoughts out loud.

I don't want to look in his eyes. I don't want to see how disappointed he is at me for failing them all. Right now I will see Eli in his eyes and realize how much I have let him down. I make myself do it. I make myself face the knowledge that I can't do what my husband thought I could.

What I see surprises me. Those brown eyes, so close to Eli's, aren't disappointed at all. They are bright and shining with unshed tears, and maybe a little pride. "Hana, you aren't failing anyone. You are doing a marvelous job with the boys. If it had been you instead of Eli, I don't think that he could do a better job than you are. I've been watching Zeke for you, Hana. He's fine, but…" Nick takes a deep breath and slowly speaks, his eyes moving from me, to Leeann, to Chaz, and back again. " _We_ need to talk about the pressure he's put on himself."

I look at him, unable to speak. My eyes beg him to continue. Leeann gently voices what I am unable to. "What kind of pressure has he put on himself?"

Nick sits back on his heels without letting go of my hands. "Hana, what did Eli always say to Zeke before he went somewhere?"

My voice realizes what I'm about to say before my mind catches up with it. My voice is soft and full of realization as the import of it slowly soaks into my consciousness. "You're the man of the house while I'm gone. Take care of your mom and Uri until I get back." I close my eyes against the truth as I slowly accept what my oldest has been trying to do. I open my eyes back up and look straight into Eli's – Nick's – eyes. "He's trying to take Eli's place."

* * *

"How are _you_ doing?" Sultana's eyes hold mine as she asks, late one night when she has dropped by after the boys are in bed.

I take a sip of the hot chocolate I made for the two of us. "I'm not sure."

Sultana waits silently for me to explain myself. She's become my rock in a way that no one else can be. Everyone else in the family is dealing with it, too. And my friends still have their husbands'. They are trying, but it is like they feel guilty that theirs are alive, and mine is not. I don't lie when they ask me how I am doing, but I down play any problems.

I can't get away with that with Sultana. She's lost too many people in her life to be fooled by me.

"Some days I feel like all I do is go through the motions. I'm trying to be both mother and father now. I feel like I'm not there for the two of them, like I should be, but I don't know what else to do. Nick says I'm doing a good job, but I feel like a complete failure," I admit hoarsely.

Sultana reaches out and takes my hand. "Let me echo what Nick has told you. You are doing a good job, Hana. Take it from someone who has been a mother, a grandmother, and is now a mother again. There is always a part of you that feels like you aren't doing the right thing. There is always a piece of you that will feel like you are letting someone down. The boys are healthy, and as happy as they can be under the circumstances. They aren't being neglected, and they know they are loved. And it is the fact that they are loved that makes you feel like you aren't doing a good job. We always want to do a better job for the people we love."

"I guess so," I agree.

"I know so. Hana, there are days that I feel like I can't handle raising another child, that I'm not doing a good job for Amar," she admits.

"What do you do on those days?" I ask, desperate for an answer.

"I lean on Kamil. He's my partner in this. I couldn't do it without him."

I feel tears prickling in my eyes. That's the problem. I've lost the person I leaned on.

It's like Sultana can read my mind. "I have lost three children. Two I gave birth to and one that I did not." I smile at the fact she includes Jazz as one of her children. "Kamil and I take turns being the strong one, being there for the other one when they need us. Let me and the rest of the family be here for you. I know it isn't the same, but let us be here for you. Let us help you when you need help."

"I wasn't raised to accept help, only to give it." When I say it, I realize for the first time that this is part of my problem. Even after all these years in Dauntless, I don't feel like I should ask for help.

Sultana stares at me for a moment, then understanding dawns on her face. "I had forgotten," she admits. "We all need help, Hana. All of us – no matter what our faction is – have moments where we need to be able to lean on someone else. I can only imagine what you are going through. What I have been through vastly different than what you've been through. Through all my losses, Kamil has been there with me. I don't know if I could have handled any of this without him. I'm not sure I would want to live without him."


	64. Chapter 64- Firsts

**Sorry this update is a little late. I was out of pocket this weekend and… I found some adjustments I wanted to make in this chapter too late to make the changes before I left town.**

 **And don't blame Bahrfamily for the mistakes you find in this chapter. I just may have sent her the wrong last version of this chapter and... that may mean there are a few small changes in wording that she didn't get a chance to look over!**

 **Chapter 64 Firsts**

The first major event we need to get through without Eli is my birthday. I am thankful that it is mine, and not one of the boys'. I lie in bed, not sure what to expect from today. It will either be a very hard day or a completely normal one. Since Eli is the one who discovered my birthday, I've never had a birthday without him. I am okay with everyone else forgetting it today. If they do, then the day will be normal. I can easily go back to it being just another day.

But the first time someone says "Happy Birthday" to me, I know I will start struggling. I want to stay in bed, to pull the covers over my head and pretend today doesn't exist.

Unfortunately, my birthday coincides with my first day at my new job. I'm pretty confident that Nick, at least, doesn't remember it is my birthday. I think if he remembered, he would have found a way to put it off a day for me, but I'll be better off at work instead of being here at home by myself, missing Eli. I stretch and force myself out of bed. Before I actually get up, the door to my room opens and two faces peek in through the door. "Happy birthday, Mom!" the boys yell, then charge the bed. I open my arms to give them hugs. At least I still have my boys.

* * *

"I don't like the idea of you going by yourself. I should go with you," Nick tells me for the hundredth time as we prepare to separate for Visiting Day.

"I'll be fine, Nick. It's just a trip to Abnegation." I try to say it as nonchalantly as possible.

"It is not 'just a trip to Abnegation.' There is no such thing as _just_ a trip to another Faction." He sounds exasperated with me. "You're going there to see your family, Hana, to tell them you're a widow."

I take a deep breath and draw myself up to my full height. Nick may be shorter than Eli, but he's still tall enough that, even standing straight, the difference in our heights means this still isn't enough to make me feel intimidating. It does, however, makes me feel more in control. "Yes. I'm going to go see my family. I'm capable of doing it on my own."

"Hana." He gives me a pointed look.

"I appreciate you offering to come with me. Really, I do. But they're Abnegation, and they have no idea I have any reason to come. They won't be somewhere trying to take the day off, hoping I'll find a way to show up. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to find them. Go with Taylor and Leeann to see Tami."

Leeann surprised us all when she announced she was going to go see Tami with Taylor to tell her about Eli. She and I talked about it privately. She's grown up enough to know she wants to apologize to Tami not just for some of their childhood but more importantly for the fact that she avoided her when Tami brought her babies for Visiting Day.

The train for Amity comes first, and I give Nick a little push towards Taylor and Leeann when we first hear it in the distance. "Go with them. I promise you, I'll be okay on my own."

"When do you have to have the boys picked up from Sultana's?" he questions me as he starts to back up towards them.

"She's keeping them through dinner. I'm supposed to join them if I feel up to it," I answer.

"I'll see you before then." He takes off with Leeann and Taylor, running towards the train they need to catch. This leaves me alone in a mob of parents headed off to see their children who transferred to Candor and young Dauntless either pregnant or with babies in carriers headed to Candor to see their families.

Our train comes shortly after Amity's leaves. I manage to get in the first car. Remembering that I will have to jump off before they do to change trains to go to Abnegation, I stay close to the door of the train. It is more challenging to get to Abnegation than Candor, since there isn't a direct train between Dauntless and Abnegation.

The people older than me on the train take my appearance in stride. I'm not sure if they think I came from Candor, or they remember I came from Abnegation. The younger ones look at me oddly, since none of them are old enough to remember I'm a transfer, and I'm sure they all know I'm not old enough to have a child in Candor. I laugh at their confused faces when I jump off before Candor. I turn to watch the train slip by and see another figure in black jump off the end of the train and walk towards me. I cross my arms. "I told you to go to Amity."

"I told you I don't like the idea of you going by yourself." Nick folds his arms, imitating me.

"Why?"

"There are a couple of reasons. The first is that I want to be there to support you. The second one is," he stuffs his hands in his pockets, "this is it, Hana. This is my only chance to really meet your family. The Visiting Days they came to Dauntless for were so long ago that they no longer count. Even if nothing happens between us, I want them to know who I am. I want them to know you and the boys aren't alone. I want them to realize you are part of the family – part of my family."

How do I argue with that? After that, there is no way I can demand that he go to Amity. I see the train that will take us to Abnegation headed our way. I shake my head at him, amazed again at who he is. "Come on. You're here now. You might as come with me."

* * *

It's to the Council building and Gayle that I head first. Somehow, I need my sister more than my mom. Nick doesn't ask me where we are going. He just walks beside me, a silent shadow.

"I'm here to see Councilwoman Gayle Erasmus," I tell the young woman at the desk. I don't recognize her. I wonder if she is a transfer or just too young for me to place her. She slips silently from her desk and heads off to find my sister.

"I didn't ask for her name." I hear the girl's soft, even tones as she comes back towards us. "She's from Dauntless. I'm guessing she is here to register a complaint about something."

I try to put a smile on my face as I wait for Gayle to show up, but it just won't form.

"Hana!" My name slips out as an involuntary gasp from Gayle's mouth. She turns the girl who is with her. "Marion, I'll be back tomorrow." We walk out without her explaining why. There are questions in her eyes, but Gayle doesn't ask until we are outside of the Council Building.

"This is Nick, Eli's cousin." I introduce them, before she can ask her questions.

"And Eli?" Her voice is soft and tentative.

I blink away the tears. I practiced saying the words in my head, but I never had to say them aloud before. Everyone in Dauntless knew who Eli was. Everyone knew when he died. I never had to tell anyone.

"Eli died in March," Nick tells her for me, but his voice is choked, letting me know the words are difficult for him, too. "He was sent to Amity to repair a camera in a tree. Evidently the ladder fell and…"

I understand why Nick breaks off there. It's too hard to continue the story, too hard to remember those few days he lingered with us.

Gayle stops walking and turns a steady gaze on me. "How are you?" It's not an Abnegation being selfless and checking on someone by habit. This is a big sister worried about her little sister, wanting to fix the world for her, and knowing there is nothing she can do. I still recognize the subtle difference in Abnegation tones to recognize that, although I doubt Nick can.

I blink and a tear releases itself from my eye. "I'm making it. Nick and the rest of the family and all our friends have been there for us."

"And the boys?"

Nick takes this one for me. "Uriah is having problems adjusting. He's very clingy to all of the family, but especially to Hana. Zeke is trying to take Eli's place. He's become bossier towards Uri, and more watchful towards both Hana and Uriah."

Gayle nods, unsure of what to say. When she does speak, she is back on practical matters. She knows any questions she wants to ask will be painful ones, and, Abnegation that she is, she will wait until the family is together so I don't have to answer them more than once. "With the ages of my three children, Mom and Dad's house is probably the best place for us to meet everyone. Isaac's job is about two buildings away. I'll step in there and let him know."

When we get to Isaac's office, I remember he works with Natalie, and I want to go in with Gayle. Just seeing Natalie would make this day better, but Gayle wants to protect me from the stares and suggests Nick and I wait for them outside, under a nearby tree.

I almost miss her as she walks sedately towards us. She blends in so perfectly and is so unlike the person that I have come to know, that it feels like Abnegation is her best disguise yet. Natalie stops near us and addresses herself not to me but to Nick. "Nick, is that you?"

Nick looks at her and slowly puts together who she is. "Natalie? Good to see you."

"How are Leeann and the rest of the family?" Her voice remains low and bland.

"We're hanging in there right now," Nick answers honestly.

"Are you Nick's wife?" She addresses herself to me.

She plays the part so well. After working with her for over a decade, I expect to see the twinkle of amusement in her green eyes, but even that is missing. Nothing she does gives away that we know each other, or that she knows my true relationship to Nick.

"This is Hana, Eli's widow," Nick introduces me, supplying our relationship.

"Oh, Nick! I'm sorry to hear that. When did he die?" Her voice becomes sympathetic.

Nick takes a deep breath. "About three months ago."

Natalie turns and addresses herself to me. "I knew the Pedrads before I transferred to Abnegation. Eli was always special. I am truly sorry for your loss."

I know she means it. She told me this the last time we met, but it's still not just an empty platitude to her. "Thank you."

Natalie's attention is drawn towards the door to the resources building. "I'd best get back to work. Tell Leeann I said hi, and tell the whole family that I'm sorry about Eli." She leaves, and a suddenly I wish there was a way to call her back, that there was a way to talk to her in private, to tell her about Marisa's husband's tattoo.

She leaves as Isaac and Gayle rejoin us. Isaac nods first to me and then to Nick before he introduces himself. "I'm Isaac, Hana's brother."

"I'm Nick, Eli's cousin." Nick exchanges his information.

Isaac turns to me. "Gayle explained why you are here. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"I'm going to go get Mom and Dad. Gayle is going with you to their house. I'll need to let Ruth know so she can pick up our daughter tonight, but we should all be there soon." Isaac walks away with a slightly faster than normal pace. I'm sure Nick can't tell the difference, but I can. He's hurrying for me.

"Isaac is a dad?" I ask Gayle as we head towards home.

"Martha is almost one." She gives an Abnegation smile

* * *

"Do you remember the last time you saw me?" I carefully ask Gayle the question. After Mom, Dad, and Isaac get home and we've talked for about half an hour, I ask Gayle to help me get drinks for everyone. This is the only way I can think of to get her alone so I can see if she remembers that I've worked for Natalie or if the memory serum has been used on her because of that interaction.

Gayle looks at me oddly and responds somewhat vaguely like I asked. "Do you mean the time in the Factionless sector after her baby was born?"

I feel the tension leaving my shoulders. "Yes. Can you give her a message for me?"

Gayle looks at me, puzzled. "Of course. It shouldn't be too hard."

"Let her know that Marisa's husband has the tattoo on his bicep, also. That I saw it recently."

Gayle stares at me for a second. "I don't want to know. I mean, I do want to know, but..."

"Just tell her that, and if you need to know more, I'm sure she'll tell you." I don't know how much Gayle knows, so I leave it to Natalie.

We work in silence, getting the drinks together. About the time we fill up the last glass, Gayle breaks the silence. "He cares about you."

If it were anyone else in the family, I would play dumb; I would deny knowing and understanding what they meant by that. Anyone else in the family I would give the excuse that he's just watching over us, because Eli watched out over him and Leeann.

But it's Gayle, and we've always been honest with each other. "He asked me to marry him."

Gayle freezes in place. I can tell I've surprised her, and she's not sure how she should respond to it. She doesn't know if this is normal behavior in Dauntless. She doesn't want to make me feel awkward.

"He asked me to marry him so that he could take care of the boys and me. He offered to have the boys share a room and he would take the other one." I explain a little more of the detail.

She slowly sits down at the kitchen table. "And what do you think of this idea?"

I sit down across from her. "Nick has always sworn he would never get married, but it's not fair to him. I told him no."

"But…?" Not for the first time, Gayle's look makes me feel like she could have gone to Candor, that she can see right through me and knows there is more to the story.

I take a deep breath and tell her the truth. "But after I've had time to put the pieces of my life back together again, we're going to try dating. He's a good man, Gayle, and he does love me."

"And do you love him?" Gayle looks concerned. "Hana, if you don't…"

"I don't love him, not that way, not yet at least, but I think…" I falter. I've told no one this but Nick. It seems like an intimate thing to share with her. I take a deep breath and admit, "He's not Eli, and I know he's not Eli, but I think…."

"Are you two okay? Do you need any help?" Nick's worried face pokes into the kitchen.

With a smile, I assure him, "We're fine. We're just taking a moment to catch up."

Nick studies me for a moment, then he must decide I'm okay, because he gives me a smile and leaves us alone again.

"It wouldn't be that hard to grow to love him, would it?" Gayle checks with me.

I look back in the direction Nick disappeared. "That's what scares me."

* * *

The first thing I hear about it is conversation in the elevator as I head down to breakfast with the boys.

"Do you know who it was?" the female occupant of the elevator with the green hair asks the one with the pierced nose and lip.

"I heard it was a female transfer from Candor, but I haven't heard a name," the pierced one responds.

"Do you know what happened?" Green-hair asks.

The pierced one gives a small snort, looks around the elevator, seems to notice the boys, and drops her voice. "No one is completely sure what happened. What I know is that they found her dead at the bottom of the Chasm."

I look straight ahead and try to control my breathing, praying that my suddenly hammering heart doesn't give anything away.

I am learning to prepare myself for the firsts before they happen. But this is a first I had never thought of. The first mysterious death that I don't know if it is real or not. Did this transfer really kill herself, or did Natalie spirit her out the same way we spirited out George and Titus?

When I promised Eli that I wouldn't help Natalie any more if anything happened to him, and when I gave everything back to Natalie, it never crossed my mind that one day I would hear about a death and wonder if it is real, or if it was Natalie…

I hope it was Natalie. I tell myself it was Natalie and that the initiate didn't die because I wasn't there to help get her out.

* * *

"Has Amar said anything about their birthdays this year?" I hold my breath as I ask Sultana while we prepare the snacks for the Friday night card game.

She stops putting the cookies on the plate. "Yes, he said he's getting too old to have a party with Zeke."

I've been dreading this. I've known that, with three years between them, one day Amar would decide this. I just really wish it hadn't been this year. Another upheaval, another change in Zeke's life isn't what I want right now. My mind starts racing with ideas of what I can do to lessen the impact of this. "He will still come to the party, right?"

Sultana smiles at me. "They will share a birthday party one more year. I talked to Amar about all the changes that Zeke is going through this year and asked him if he thought he could handle one more year of a joint party. He agreed to it."

The breath I didn't even realize I was holding escapes in a rush. "Thank you."

Sultana puts a hand on my shoulder. "The first year is hard. Every year is hard," she amends. "You and Eli were always there for us. Kamil and I will always be here for you."

* * *

I dread the night before Feast Day more than Feast Day itself. Tomorrow, Taylor's apartment will be crowded. Tomorrow, I will be able to pretend that he's in a different room, that he's talking to someone else. Tonight, it is just the family. It is one of those times when the hole in our life is even more tangible and empty.

Taylor works on the rolls while I work on the pies. Leeann prepares the potatoes. The only joke today is the fact that Taylor assigned the mashed potatoes to Leeann because she knows that Leeann can't mess them up. The cleaning crew is more subdued than usual. Eli isn't there to stir the boys up and to create contests. Both Chaz and Nick have tried. I've heard each of them teasing the boys, trying to get a competition started, but it doesn't work. The boys do their work, but none of the joy and laughter is there this year.

I want to scream to break the silence. There has to be something, anything, I can do to break the solemnity of the evening.

"I don't have to do it your way. You aren't my father!" Uriah yells.

I quickly wipe my hands on the towel and head to the other room to see what is going on. Ezekiel stands in front of Uriah, holding a broom and dust pan out to his brother. Uriah's arms are crossed in front of his chest.

Nick looks at me, his eyes asking me if I want him to step in, or if I want to handle this myself.

Part of me wants to let him step in, to see what he would do with the boys, but I don't want either boy to turn on Nick and make a pronouncement like that to him, too.

My mind goes blank. What would Eli do if he was here? I hear Eli speaking to me when we disappeared to spend some time alone on that Feast Day when we were dating.

 _Eli shakes his head. "Feast Day used to be a family day. We'd have Aunt Tonya's family over and Grandma and Grandpa, and that was about it." Eli looks down at our joined hands and rubs his thumb back and forth over my knuckles. "The first year after Aunt Tonya died, I'm not sure we even had Feast Day. We ate in the cafeteria and tried to pretend it was a normal day. By the next year, Mom decided to go overboard on it. She_ _invited_ _ANYONE she_ _thought_ _might be on their own. It's gotten a little out of hand," he says dryly._

Taylor changed the tradition to help the family get through the day. Maybe that is the way to go. I grab the dust pan and the broom from Zeke. "Change in plans. There is a new Pedrad tradition starting tonight. Report to the kitchen."

The boys look at me, shocked, too stunned to move.

"You heard your mother." It's Chaz, not Nick who speaks up.

"Oh, you're not getting out of this." I point my finger first at Chaz and then at Nick. "Come join us. You are each having a cooking lesson tonight."

Taylor and Leeann both look surprised at the train that precedes me into the kitchen. "Leeann, are you through with the potatoes?"

"No."

"Good. Chaz, you're learning how to make mashed potatoes with Leeann. Zeke, Uriah, who wants to help Grandma and who wants to help me?"

Uriah grabs my hand at the same time Zeke announces, "Grandma!"

I smile with relief; that was the tricky part. I was hoping that wasn't going to turn into an argument.

Nick looks around the room in mock confusion. "And who do I help?"

"You are the go-fer." I raise my eyebrows at him. "Whatever we need, you will get for us. You can start by getting Uriah and me a large bowl to mix the pumpkin pie filling in."

It starts out as a serious cooking lesson. I teach Uriah how to measure. Taylor teaches Zeke how to make her famous honey butter to go with the rolls that are rising. Chaz and Leeann quarrel playfully about peeling the potatoes before mashing them. Leeann insists that they have to peel them first, while Chaz tells her that if they don't, not only can they make them faster, but everyone will know they are homemade.

Nick sits on the counter and watches all of us with a contented smile, only jumping down when someone – usually Uriah and myself – needs something.

"I can use a mixer!" Chaz announces, and suddenly, with the buzz of the hand mixer, there is also a spray of potatoes. I feel a warm blob land on my face, and my suspicion that there is some in my hair is confirmed when Uriah starts laughing and pointing.

I want to get mad. I want to yell at Chaz. Instead, suddenly I'm channeling Eli; I see this mess through his eyes, and I know exactly what he would do.

I pick up my spoon filled with pumpkin pie filling. "Chaz!"

I don't even bother to aim when Chaz turns towards me. I fling the spoon in his general direction. Most of it lands on his face and starts to slide down, until he pushes it away impatiently.

He pulls the hand mixer, still running, out of the potatoes. As his hand comes up, I realize what is about to happen and pull Uriah down with me as bits of potato fly everywhere. I still get some on me, but since we're no longer standing between Chaz and Zeke and Taylor, they get some on them, too. There is a momentary look of horror on Taylor's face, then a gleam in her eye, and then a small ball of dough flies through the air. It's Chaz's turn to duck, and there is dough in Leeann's hair.

And that means war.

As I try to clean the sticky pumpkin pie filling off the front of Taylor's cabinets, I wonder to myself if a food fight is now part of the Pedrad night before Feast Day tradition. I decide that if it is, we need to come up with better options of what to throw next year.

* * *

"That was fun!" Uriah announces as we get back to our apartment after playing Dare with a bunch of their friends for Risk Day.

"What was your favorite part?" Nick asks as he closes the door behind him.

Uriah tilts his head and thinks, but Zeke answers immediately, laughing. "Watching Ash get stuck in the marsh near Navy Pier when Shauna dared her to collect the feather floating in the water."

I smile. "That was pretty funny." Ashley isn't very girly, but the look on her face when her foot moved – and her shoe didn't – was pretty funny.

"I know my favorite part!" Uriah suddenly exclaims. "When Gabe dared Lynn to walk on the top of the BP Bridge railing!"

I shake my head, knowing exactly where this is going.

"When she lost her balance and then slid down the side until she was on the ground…" He starts laughing, unable to tell any more of the story.

Lynn had slipped in one of the tight curves, where there was only a small amount of land between the two curves. She tried to climb back up, but the stainless steel plates were too slick for her to climb backup. Eventually we all ended up using those sides as a slide to get to her because we realized she wasn't going to be able to climb back up to us. I decide to take his focus off Lynn's failure and direct it back to the fun. "Sliding down the sides was fun, wasn't it?"

Zeke smiles. "It was!"

The late hour makes me speak up to get everything back on track. "Okay, it's way past both of your bed times. Uriah, you have the bathroom first tonight."

"But it's Zeke's turn!" he quickly protests.

I give him a look, and he turns to go without saying anything more. Zeke heads to his room to put on his pajamas without me having to say anything.

"Wait a second," Nick calls out to both of the boys. "I need to be going." He strides to each of them and tells them goodnight.

When he is done, I walk him to the door. "Thank you for coming with us tonight."

He smiles shyly at me. "There's no place I would have rather been."

I smile back, deciding impulsively to take one last risk today. I quickly stand on my tip toes and kiss his cheek. When my feet are flat on the ground again, I venture a glance at him. His hand gently cups my cheek and he takes a risk of his own, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "Happy Risk Day, Hana."

* * *

Uriah's birthday is the last big event of the first year we have to survive. Since he has a winter birthday, his party has always been more of a challenge to plan. So many options are out because of the weather. This year the kids are playing war on two floors of the Hancock tower.

"How are you doing?" Nick has snuck up next to me.

I take a deep breath, trying to keep my voice even. "Uriah looks like he's having fun."

He looks at me sternly. "That's not what I asked. I asked about you."

"As long as I focus on Uriah, I'm fine. I just can't stop and think." I'm fighting against memories of the Risk Day where we took over the Tower to play war, and I shot Eli to win his flags.

"How is Uriah doing?" he checks, when he realizes that he is accidently prodding something painful. He may not remember that Risk Day, but he recognizes there is something there and gives me an out without having to talk about it.

I look up in time to watch Uriah lean out around a corner to shoot James as he runs down the hall. "He's been my shadow this week."

* * *

"I want to celebrate his life, not commemorate his death." I don't realize I said the thought out loud until Nick responds.

"What do you mean by that?"

I blink a couple of times, adjusting from my thoughts as I look down the table. The kids are sitting at one end, not paying attention to the adults, but every adult eye is on me. I clear my throat, knowing everyone is going to hear what I say. "The first anniversary of Eli's death is next month. I feel like I should do something, but I don't want it to be solemn and sad. Eli never was."

Leeann blinks her eyes a couple of times. Chaz puts his hand over hers and gives it a small squeeze. The others all shift in their seats, like they are unsure of what to say. Abilyn breaks the silence. "When I remember Eli, I usually think of zip-lining: how he set up zip lining for us during initiation, and our sunrise zip line for the last day of our Nuptial's week…"

I look at Nick, then Leeann; both have thoughtful smiles spreading across their faces. I say the words out loud that I believe they are thinking, too. "Zip-lining… Abilyn, it's perfect."

* * *

I wonder, as I start working with Nick and Leeann to put everything together for zip-lining, if anyone realizes how perfect this is. Zip-lining is where I learned who Eli was, where he went from being the guy who kept catching my eye, to being my best friend's cousin. We shared a stolen moment on this roof when we were dating and Leeann invited me to join a zip-lining group. It was the first time he called me Sweetheart. We came here, together with our friends, for the last day of our nuptials week. It may not be something that we did often, but roof tops were our thing, and it is far too painful to contemplate going up to our roof top today.

The group for zip-lining is larger than I had planned, but once we started talking about who to invite, the list grew. At one time Leeann joked that it would be easier to write down the people we weren't inviting rather than the ones we were. The kids have been purposefully excluded. Zip-lining is something you have to be a member to do. Since it was removed from initiation, over the years, it has become a secret. It no longer includes the whole class. It has become a special treat that the brothers and sisters of the new members set up, usually with Nick and Leeann. Until this year, Eli still helped out, but as the boys got older, he did it less frequently, since it was harder to hide it from them.

I struggle with who can watch the boys, since whoever I ask will miss out. Sultana offers to have them at her place, and even then, I argue that, as his second mom, she should be there, too. She smiles politely and reminds me that she's two decades older than me and isn't up to the challenge. I try arguing that Taylor is coming with us, but she insists on keeping the boys.

It's chilly on top of the Hancock Building as we get each person ready to go. At last it is just the five of us: Taylor, Nick, Chaz, Leeann and me. "This was a wonderful idea, Hana." Taylor wipes her eyes and then hugs me.

"Abilyn suggested it. I'm glad she did. It's been a better way to remember Eli then sitting around moping," I admit.

"Much better," Taylor agrees. Then, giving each of us a hug, she lets Nick help her into her sling. She rides like I did the first time, facing up. Has she always ridden this way? Or does she fly this way today to honor the way Eli usually flew, or to look up to heaven and picture him there?

Chaz follows Taylor. He, too, flies face up.

"You're next," Nick tells Leeann.

She looks at him quizzically. "I figured I was going last."

"I know you normally do, but I'm going to go last this time. Go on ahead and follow your husband." He gives her no further reasoning than this. Leeann obediently climbs into the next sling. She also faces up. I see tears shining in her eyes as we push her off the roof.

It's just Nick and me on the roof. We look at each other. I'm pretty sure I know why it is just the two of us left. It's been a year. I never gave him a time frame, but I'm betting he's about to check to see how I'm doing.

"How are you doing?" he asks me, right on cue.

"It's been a rough month," I admit. "Every moment since Uri's birthday seems to have been leading up to today."

"And tomorrow?"

I know what Nick is hinting at. He wants to know where we stand. He wants to know if I'm ready to pick up the strands of my life again and start weaving him into it.

"I haven't looked past today," I admit to him.

"When will you start looking past today?" His brown eyes probe mine.

"Tomorrow."

 **In a recent PM** **Divergent64Fourtris has asked me what I had done to slow things down. This chapter is an example of that. Originally in the last chapter Hana didn't ask Nick for time, and they told Leeann and Chaz they were going to try dating. This chapter didn't exist. When I changed things and Hana asked for time, this chapter was born. It started when Nick put the idea that Hana would have gone to Abnegation to tell her family that Eli had died. I realized that he would have gone with her. The whole chapter started life with that scene. Bahrfamily and I then talked about the fact that showing the family getting through that first year would be important. I know this chapter is a little long, but… a lot happens in a year!**

 **If you get a chance to leave me a review and let me know what you think of this chapter I would love it! Reviews always help keep an author going. Especially as a book winds down...**


	65. Chapter 65 - Tomorrow

**Thank you to everyone who took time to review the last chapter. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know what you thought about it.**

 **Thank you also to Bahrfamily for reviewing this chapter and not killing me over it** **,** **since I think I've made small revisions to it like three or four times and keep sending it to her! (of course, she can't completely blame me for that since a couple of the improvements were ideas that she pitched!)**

 **Chapter 65 Tomorrow**

When I joined Dauntless, I landed in the net. Just beyond it, there was a dark hallway we had to pass through to get to the Pit. The lights were spread out so far that there were places I could hardly see in front of me.

For the last year, I have existed in the dark place between the lights. At times I have stood still, afraid to move. At other times, I have moved slowly, trying to get my bearings, feeling my way through the uneven landscape, inching along, afraid that I am going to trip and fall flat on my face because of an unseen obstacle.

Each day, I have told myself the truth that I will make it through today.

Each day, I have reminded myself that tomorrow will be better. Some days this has been the truth, and other days I have lied to myself, but I keep telling myself this, trusting that one day, it never be a lie again.

All the while, I have kept my eyes ahead, straining for the first light, knowing that somewhere up ahead, I will see a glimmer of light.

A glimmer of hope.

I slowly open my eyes. There is a small stream of light coming in through a crack in the curtains.

It is time to move.

I throw off the covers and plant both feet firmly on the ground.

It is tomorrow.

* * *

"Lunch time!" Nick pokes his head into the records room.

I stand up from the filing cabinet that I am bent over. "I have about half a dozen files left. I'll be right behind you."

Nick raises an eyebrow at me. "I'll help you." He holds his hand out for a folder.

Evidently, I've used the excuse of a little more work to avoid spending lunch with anyone one too many times. Before I can control myself, I smile and shake my head at him.

With Nick's help, the filing is finished in less than five minutes.

When we get to the cafeteria, I feel Nick's hand on my back, steering me to a different table away from our friends. "What…?" I start to ask when he stops at a table where Kamil, Sultana, Taylor, Chaz and Leeann sit waiting for us.

"We need to talk to you without the boys," Nick says as he holds out a chair for me.

"We're resurrecting an old tradition," Kamil tells me with a grin.

I feel my brows draw in, unable to remember what tradition we have ended. "What tradition is this?"

Nick draws a soft finger across my forehead, causing me to relax it. "When Dad left Dauntless, Uncle Abram and Kamil decided to start 'Man Day'. It's the first Saturday of the month."

"We felt it was important for the boys to have time away from the girls," Kamil starts his explanation.

"And it gave us girls some time on our own. Although since we had very different personalities, it usually ended up with Sultana taking Amira and Tami while I stayed with Aunt Taylor," Leeann chimes in.

"What did you do?" I ask, curious as to what he is trying to sign my boys up for.

"We did all sorts of things. We would go work out in the training room, play poker, take them to ride the trains… anything we weren't sure their moms would approve of," Kamil ends with a wink.

"Kamil, I appreciate the idea, and I'm sure the boys would enjoy it, but don't you think three boys is a bit much for you?" I'm reluctant to put it that way, but he isn't as young as when he _and_ Abram did this before. And Abram isn't here to help him.

"Oh, it wouldn't just be me. Nick was the one who reminded me of it. He's in for every Saturday," Kamil assures me.

"And I'm going to join in, too," Chaz speaks up. "Although not this first month. Leeann and I already have plans."

"While they're gone, you and I, along with Leeann and Taylor some weeks, will have some adult time," Sultana tells me with a smile.

"Hana," Nick gently touches my arm. "Everyone here thinks you are doing a great job with the boys, and this isn't meant as criticism or as any of us saying you aren't doing an amazing job with them. But they are boys, and they need to be around men."

"And you," Taylor leans towards me, "are more than just a mom, and you need some time away from them, too."

* * *

"He _what_?" Sultana looks thunderstruck. Taylor is home sick with a cold on this first "Man Day", so it just Sultana and me sitting in her family room, talking.

I'm not sure how Sultana accidentally got me to tell her that. "He asked me to marry him," I repeat in a small voice.

There is a short pause. "What did you say?"

"I told him it isn't fair for me to marry him just so he could take care of us," I admit.

Sultana shakes her head. "And he told you he had never planned on getting married, so it didn't matter."

"Exactly."

"And does it matter to you?" she asks.

"To me? Yes, it matters to me that Nick is selling himself short." My voice sounds a little indignant even to me.

"That matters to all of us," Sultana assures me. She pauses for a moment, eyeing me before she asks her real question. "But that's not what I'm asking you, Hana. I'm asking you, what about for you? Have you given up on finding love again?"

I look at Sultana and find her concerned eyes staring back at me. "Do I believe I can find love again?"

"Yes, Hana, do you believe you can find love?" There is a bit of humor in her voice.

I take a deep breath before I admit, "I will never find someone I love like Eli…but I do think I can find love again."

"With Nick?" She gets straight to the point.

There is hardly a pause before I answer her, "Maybe."

Sultana studies me before asking, "Are you going to try to find out if you can find love again?"

I swallow. I had never realized that being _willing_ to find love again was part of this equation. Of course, except for Gayle, I had never told anyone all of this before. Gayle and I didn't have long to talk, so it's not surprising that she never asked me this question. I think of Leeann and the two of us sitting on the floor sorting through Eli's things to give to the Factionless. I told her I would be willing to, but am I? "Yes. I am going to try."

A smile breaks across Sultana's face. "Then, I guess the only question left, is are you going to let him get away without dating you?"

I laugh. "No! Actually, I told him that when I decide I'm ready, we'll have to see what dating look like for the whole family. I'm not leaving the boys out of this."

"Good."

There is a pause as each of us thinks about what this means.

"Hana, I've waited a long time for Nick to trust someone – and to trust _himself_ – enough to be willing to love her and admit it. Be careful with his heart. I doubt he'll ever take it out again." Sultana looks at me for a moment before asking her next question. "So, did you mention this to me because you are thinking about telling Nick you're ready?"

* * *

"How do you suddenly have the evening off?" Nick teases playfully as we head to the tattoo parlor to see Tori. Nick asked her to create a tattoo in honor of Eli, and he wants to see how it is coming. I know that I will get a tattoo for Eli, like I did for Angel. I'm hoping that Nick's will give me an idea, because I don't have a clue what to do for him.

"After 'Man Day', the boys were having so much fun together that Amar asked if Zeke could spend the night. Sultana included Uriah, so I am childless," I end with a flourish. I have a suspicion that after our conversation, she may have had something to do with Amar's request, hoping that I will take the opportunity to talk to Nick.

"Got any big plans for your time off?"

I bite my lip. "I was thinking after we talk to Tori, maybe you and I could go back to one of our places to talk."

There is a look of hope in Nick's eyes. "And what do you need to talk to me about?"

I stop walking and turn to him. Looking him straight in the eyes, I inform him, "I'm starting to look towards tomorrow."

* * *

I'm nervous when Nick and I walk to Taylor's apartment. We decided to talk to Taylor first. Nick and I both agree that if she isn't ready for this, we're finished discussing it for now. Neither of us want to cause her more pain than she has been through. It is important to both of us to get her approval.

Taylor's hand flies to her throat when she opens the door and sees Nick and me there together. "The boys?"

Suddenly I realize what this must look like. Taylor has been through so many rough times in the last couple of years when people showed up unannounced at her door. There was Eli showing up on her doorstep to tell her about Abram's heart attack and Max showing up to tell her about Eli's fall. Nick and I have mistakenly given her the wrong impression by coming together without the boys. But we couldn't have come with the boys. We want to talk to them separately _after_ we have talked to her and Leeann.

"The boys are fine," I quickly assure her. "Nick and I want to talk to you about something without little ears around."

Relief floods her face and she moves out of the doorway. "Come on in and have a seat."

We sit next to each other on the couch, but not close enough to touch. Nick decided he should start, so as soon as she sits down, he does. "Aunt Taylor, we want to talk to you about something. It concerns all of us. Before we talk to Leeann or the boys, we want to talk to you."

Taylor looks concerned again. "Are you both okay? Neither of you is sick, are you?"

This really isn't going well. We're just worrying her about one thing or the other. I give Nick a look and take over. "We're both fine, but we want to get your opinion on something before it happens. Nick has asked me out."

I realize that I haven't done any better when Taylor's eye flood with tears. "Nick, can you get me some tissue from my room?" Taylor asks him as the first tears fall from her eyes.

Before Nick even stands, I speak. Taylor's tears decide for me in an instant that if nothing else, this is too soon. "Taylor, I didn't… we don't want to upset you. I'm sorry. If you..."

Taylor quiets me with a look. "Hana, these aren't tears of hurt or disappointment. I've been so worried about you raising the boys by yourself, and I've always worried about Nick being on his own. I think this is perfect. If you end up together, that's wonderful. If you end up becoming better friends, and you each end up with someone you can lean on instead of a life mate, that's wonderful, too. The only thing that isn't fine with me is if the two of you mess up your friendship, because you'll both always be family." Taylor levels a look at each of us. "But I trust both of you are too smart to let that happen."

* * *

On Friday, Taylor has the boys spend the night so Nick and I can talk to Leeann and Chaz. Leeann will either be violently for it or violently against it. Nick is confident she will be for it. I think he's probably right, but after her reaction to my pregnancy with Zeke… I'm never confident in her. We have dinner with our friends in the cafeteria and, at Chaz's suggestion, go to the fights together. After the fights, we end up at their apartment.

"It worries me that you still have problems sleeping some nights," Nick says earnestly.

"Most nights I sleep just fine. Last night was the exception, not the rule." I try to keep the exasperation, and the yawn, out of my voice.

"Nick, she's just not used to an empty bed. If you want to be there to make sure she sleeps, you could always marry her," Leeann challenges in a teasing tone.

Nick and I involuntarily look at each other.

"Wait!" Leeann sounds excited. We both turn to look at her. "I may not be Abilyn, but you asked her, didn't you?" She turns her attention on Nick.

Our eyes meet again. Nick's nod is almost imperceptible. This wasn't exactly the way we meant for this conversation to go, but we might as well go with it. I answer for us. I'm going to be the best one to explain what is going on. "Yes, he asked me."

Chaz looks stunned, and Leeann's mouth opens and closes a couple of times while she tries to figure out what to say. Finally, she chokes out one word. "When?"

"A while ago." I try to sound matter-of-fact while not telling her exactly how long ago he did ask me, but I feel a tremor in my voice.

"Hold on! My _brother_ asked you to _marry_ him, and neither of you thought to tell _me_ this until now?" Leeann sounds as outraged as she did when she found out Eli and I had been dating without telling her and were getting married.

"Why would we?" Nick laughs at his sister's indigent response. "I'm a big boy. I don't need your permission and neither does Hana."

"Because…" Leeann trails off, realizing she has no real reason other than that one word.

"I'm guessing you've been thinking about this a lot." Chaz says gravely. "Nick spends a lot of time with the three of you. Have you talked to the boys?"

I take a deep breath. "No. They are next on the list."

"What I proposed," Nick decides to clarify, "is that we get married and the boys move into the same room and I take the extra room."

Leeann's face falls just a little at that idea.

"And we'd leave the future open to decide if we wanted to ever change that," I admit softly.

"That sounds like a wise plan, but," Chaz looks at Nick sitting on the love seat and me sitting on the recliner, "something tells me you said no."

"I did," I answer honestly.

"Hana!" Leeann's voice is almost a wail.

Nick takes over. "We're going to try dating. Hana reminded me that there is a lot to keep in mind before we do this."

"Like what?" Leeann challenges.

"Like who," I correct softly. "How about you…"

"I'm fine with it," she interrupts me with a grin. "I offered years ago to help you if you were ever interested in my brother or…" Her voice trails off. She offered to help me with Eli, too, even though, unbeknownst to her, I was already dating him at the time.

"There's still the most important two." I pause, trying to compose myself. I'm starting to have problems breathing again and I feel that all-too-familiar tightness in my head that says I'm close to tears. Leeann looks at me, confused.

"She means the boys." Nick notices me struggling and so he finishes for me. "We need to make sure that Zeke and Uriah are okay with the whole idea."

That silences Leeann like nothing else could.

"So, basically you're going to date the whole family?" Chaz sounds amused by the thought.

"In a way, yes." Nick sounds confident. "I'm dating, Hana, but if either Zeke or Uriah isn't okay with the idea than it's not going to work." I feel something tug in my heart at his words and his tone.

Leeann turns to me and grins, "Does this mean I actually get to _know_ when you are dating someone?"

* * *

I feel like a coward, always letting Nick be the one to start these tough conversations, but he didn't give me a choice this time. He told me that he knew the perfect way to start the conversation with the boys and that I was just going to have to trust him.

Nick starts in a very matter of fact tone. He doesn't sound at all nervous. This makes me more certain that he is the best one to start this conversation, since I'm scared to death about how they are going to respond. "I need to talk to both of you about something important."

Both boys straighten up in their chairs. I try to decide if they think they are in trouble, or if they just feel honored that Uncle Nick wants to talk to them about something important. "What is it?" Ezekiel sounds apprehensive.

"The first thing that you two need to know is that no matter what, I'll always be your uncle Nick. Can you both promise that you'll remember that?"

Both boys look at Nick and then at each other. "Of course!" Ezekiel answer for both of them.

"I'm thinking about dating someone."

There is total silence from both boys, and Nick hasn't even told them who he's thinking about dating yet! Suddenly Uri's face scrunches up in disgust. "I'm not going to have to watch you kiss some girl at the Chasm, am I?"

Nick's eyes twinkle as he struggles to keep from laughing at Uriah. "I promise I won't take her to the Chasm to kiss her. At least, not when you might have to watch."

I roll my eyes at him, since that was one thing I told him we weren't going to do.

Nick suddenly becomes serious. "Here's something to keep in mind: going to the Chasm is really more for kids than for someone my age. It's also not something you do with someone you are serious about, and if I'm going to date someone, I'm going to be serious." Nick looks at me, not at the boys, as he says this.

Ezekiel turns to me. "Dad promised to tell me how many times he took you to the Chasm. He said I had no idea of how often that was."

A band constricts around my chest, and I fight to keep the memory of that day – the day that the boys caught us kissing and Eli made that promise – at bay. "I know the exact number, too. Would you like to know?"

"Yes!"

"I'm guessing you never did," Nick chimes in, looking smug. Being the only one here, besides me, who knows my birth faction is Abnegation and that Eli and I hid the fact we were dating from everyone until we were engaged, he is confident in this knowledge.

If you only consider when we were dating, he's right, but if you don't…

"Your father and I made out by the Chasm exactly once." I take a moment to savor the shocked look on Nick's face. "At the time, we had been married for six months and I was pregnant with you."

Ezekiel looks horrified when I point to him. He surprises me by the question he asks when he recovers. "What made you kiss Dad by the Chasm, then?"

I swallow hard. I don't want to think about that, but it may be the best way to get this conversation back on track. "Your father had just admitted to me that he had tried to set me up with someone else before he asked me out."

"Who?" Uriah, ever curious, breaks into the conversation.

Before I can say anything, Nick interrupts. He looks at me, and only at me, when he speaks. "I was around in that time frame. I had an idea that your dad was trying to set your mom up with someone else a few months before they started dating."

"Who?" Uri repeats leaning forward in his seat. "Was it someone we know?"

Nick's eyes twinkle and a small smile lifts the corners of his mouth. "If it is who I think it is, yes, you know him. If I had to guess who your dad tried to set your mom up with, it was me."

Both boys laugh at the idea, and then, at the same moment, they stop, like it has suddenly occurred to both of them that Nick isn't joking. They both look at me for confirmation. "It was."

Uriah's eyes are as big as saucers. "You dated _Mom_?" He doesn't sound horrified, only shocked. I'm hoping that is a good sign.

Nick doesn't laugh. "No, I didn't date your mom, but what would you think if I dated her now?"

I find myself holding my breath, watching how the boys react.

"Really?" Uriah sounds puzzled. "You want to _date_ Mom?"

"Yes, I asked your mom if she would go out with me."

"What did she say?" Zeke sounds hesitant.

"She said we needed to talk to the two of you first, to see what you think of the idea." Nick leaves out Taylor and Leeann, but I understand that he wants the boys to realize they have a say in this.

Both boys look at me, like they want to know what I think. I stay carefully neutral. I want the boys to give us their true opinion, not just parrot back what they think I want them to say.

Uriah speaks first. "You're still my Uncle Nick, matter what happens?"

"That's what I told you, and I mean it. I'm your Uncle Nick. No matter what," Nick promises him.

"Would you marry Mom?" Ezekiel asks.

"We'll have to see what happens, but maybe." He doesn't tell the boys I've already turned him down once.

"If you ask her, and she says no, you're still our Uncle Nick?" Uriah verifies.

"I will always be your Uncle Nick, no matter what happens," Nick assures him again.

"Then I'm okay with it." Uri smiles.

Ezekiel looks expectantly at me. "Mom?"

As much as I want to get his feelings on this, I realize he needs to know my thoughts on this. "Uncle Nick is one of my best friends, and I think that is a good place to start a real relationship."

Ezekiel turns a hard gaze on Nick. "And you aren't going to make out with my mom at the Chasm?"

Nick works hard to hide his smile. "I promise. I won't take your mom to the Chasm."

"Then I say it's up to you and Mom." He tries to sound nonchalant about it.

* * *

"You will _never_ guess what happened last night!" Uriah excitedly announces to the table at large as he sits down for breakfast.

Shocked, I look at Nick, realizing that we never told the boys not to say anything. We hadn't planned on telling all of our friends until I had a chance to tell Kelly privately. We talked about it with Leeann and Chaz, and we all agreed that with the feelings she once had for Nick, that I should tell her privately before we said anything to anyone else. And now Uriah is going to announce it to everyone, before I have a chance to talk to her. The only good thing is that Kelly and Levi sit with his family, so she won't be around for the grand announcement. Nick gives me an amused look, making me realize we might as well enjoy everyone's reactions. There's nothing we can do now.

"You've decided to transfer to Erudite," James says, putting a large bite of pancake in his mouth. Even Uriah is speechless a that guess. James looks up as he finishes chewing and finds Uriah staring at him, his mouth opens in shock. "What? You said we'd never guess. That's about the least likely thing I can think of."

I want to laugh at the truthfulness of James' statement. He's right. Uriah is too impulsive to think things through.

"If we aren't going to be able to guess, then you might as well just tell us," Lynn says sourly. She spent a recent dinner trying to guess what number Uriah was thinking of, without knowing that Zeke had introduced him to decimals the day before. She is obviously not in the mood to play guessing games with him again.

"Uncle Nick asked Mom out!" Uriah tells everyone excitedly.

Every eye swings to Nick and me. It reminds me of Eli and me announcing our engagement, because at first no one seems to know what to say. Bekah's mouth opens and closes. Abilyn looks at everyone with the last name Pedrad through appraising eyes.

Angie is the first one who recovers enough to speak. "Is he serious?"

The Candor in Abilyn answers before any of us can. "Yes, Uriah is serious."

Leeann laughs gleefully. I can see her excitement that the news is finally out.

"Obviously, Leeann is happy with this," Rob says dryly. Then he turns to the boys. "What do you two think about them dating?"

"They've promised we don't have to watch them kiss at the Chasm," Uriah tells everyone seriously. "So, we're okay with it."

Every adult struggles not to laugh at how serious he is, but it is useless. As soon as Leeann chuckles, everyone else joins in.

 **Just to keep everyone up to date, the rough draft of the rest of the story is finished. Including the Epilogue I promised originally in Dauntless Gray, there will be a total of 70 chapters in this book. The countdown has officially started…**

 **I have an idea for two VERY different but related projects to do next. One continues Hana's story, although it would have a time jump of six years. Think of it as Hana's very own Random Voices (If you have ever read or remember my early work.)**

 **The other one…is different. It would still be canon to Divergent and to Dauntless Gray. It would not be in Hana's voice however. There's a few more "secrets" from Divergent that I want to explore, and maybe a little more to Dauntless Gray/The Blackest Shade of Gray that I'm not able to tell because it is information that Hana wouldn't know. The three people who would narrate this story have access to information that Hana doesn't.**

 **If you get a chance to review** **,** **I would appreciate it. Tell me what you think of this chapter, or what you think of either or both ideas. It always helps to know you are out there!**


	66. Chapter 66 - The Unexpected

**Sorry about the delay. There's been a lot going on in both households. Thank you, Bahrfamily for getting the edits worked in.**

 **I need to thank BK2U for one of the scenes in this chapter. She reminded me in a PM that I had never quite worked in a particular canon fact that I intended to, and I really should have put in before now. This chapter opened up a place for me to weave it into the story. The canon quote for this part will be at the end of the chapter, because this chapter... well, I'm pretty sure there are a couple of twists in this chapter you never saw coming...**

 **Chapter 66 The Unexpected**

Leeann kicks me under the table and nods behind me with her chin.

I turn around and see Kelly, Lauren, and Gabe headed to put up their trays, so the kids can catch the train to school. "E-Zeke and Uriah. We need to head to the train."

The boys obediently get up and grab their trays. I don't hang around to see if everyone else starts getting their kids together. I need to talk to Kelly. When we told Leeann and Chaz about us dating, one thing all four of us agreed on was that I need to talk to Kelly privately. With Uriah making the announcement for us this morning, it's not going to be as private as I had hoped, and I'm going to have to move quickly to make sure that I am even the one to tell her.

Nick starts to get up with us. I smile at him. "I'll see you at work. Boys, if you hurry, we can catch up with Gabe."

Nick sits back down, understanding that I am trying to catch Kelly to talk to her. Uriah hurries to catch up with Gabe.

Kelly and the kids start to leave, but I call out to her, "Kelly!" She makes the kids wait for us to dump our trays before we all head out to the train together. Gabe and Uriah start off chatting about some Candor girl in their class and the comments she made in class yesterday. Zeke and Lauren follow behind. They don't have much to say to each other, but I notice they both keep an eye on their younger sibling.

"How are the boys doing?" Kelly asks as we lag behind them, just out of earshot.

"They are doing better," I admit.

She pauses a moment before asking me, "How about you?"

It's my opening, but I'm not sure how to put everything to her. I cautiously start with, "I'm moving forward."

She looks at me out of the corner of her eye before asking, "Has he asked you out yet?"

I stop in my tracks. "Has who asked me out?"

"Nick."

It takes me a minute to find my voice. "What makes you ask that?"

"Nick is a protector, a fixer. He and Eli are – were – alike that way. If anything will ever get him to give up his stand, this is it." She looks at me expectantly.

"You're right," I confirm. "You aren't upset by this, are you?"

"Hana," Kelly chuckles and shakes her head at me. "It's okay, and more than just because I have Levi now. I told you years ago, when you had your concussion and you were afraid I thought you were interested in Nick, that I thought you would be good for him. I still think that, and after watching things for the last year, I've realized he's good for you, too. You don't need my blessing, but you have it."

* * *

"Can we come with you?" Uriah asks hopefully.

I bend down to look him in the eye. "No, you went with Uncle Nick and me yesterday when we went to Millennium Park. You know the drill. You and Zeke get to come with us every other time."

Uriah's lower lip sticks out in a pout. "But I want to go watch the rope walker, too."

I try to hide my smile. "I'm sure you do, especially since tonight's show starts after your bedtime, but tonight you get to spend the night with Grandma, so I'm sure you will get to do some special things, too. Now go make sure your overnight bag is packed."

* * *

"How is Zeke doing these days?" Nick asks me as we head to the rope-walking show.

"Still keeping an extra eye on Uriah and me. Last night he got up to go to the bathroom and told me I needed to go to bed." I chuckle a little.

"Some nights you have problems sleeping, so why is that so funny?" Nick asks.

"It wasn't even ten minutes after he had gone to bed!" I explain, looking at him.

Nick joins me in laughing.

I turn to see where I am going and almost run into her. I only see her back, but the dirty blonde hair with the artificial blue stripes woven into the ponytail is Natalie's. My heart fills with longing. Has she replaced me already? I want to be the one she is here to see. Not someone else.

She turns, and bright blue eyes catch mine. It's not her. She's the right size, but the nose is the wrong shape and her mouth is too wide.

My eyes fill with instant tears. I miss Natalie. "Are you okay?" The concern in Nick's eyes as he pulls me to the side is unmistakable. "We don't have to come here if you don't want to. I just thought you would enjoy it, but if it is something…" I can tell he's concerned that it is dredging up memories, and it is, but not memories of Eli like he fears. I think quickly.

"It's not that." I try to hold back the tears while I improvise, "I saw someone from the back that looked like a childhood friend. It made me think about Gayle."

A traitorous tear choses that moment to slip from my eye and make its way down my cheek. Nick cups my face in his hand and gently brushes it away with his thumb. "I wish there was a way you could go see her again."

* * *

"This is where we should have hidden the flag during Lynn's birthday party!" Ezekiel announces as he and Uriah run towards the carousel they've just discovered at Lincoln Park.

Nick turns his head and looks behind us towards the seal pool. He reaches over and takes my hand. "I think that pool over there looks better." He squeezes my hand letting me know he remembers finding the hiding place with me during my initiation and setting up our team's flag there.

Ezekiel looks at it for a second, then steps up on the platform that the animals ride on. "I think this would be cooler. Just look at all the strange animals you could hide the flag around!" He stops by an animal with brown spots and an impossibly long neck.

Uriah quickly joins him, pulling on the head of a large striped cat like he's checking to make sure it will hold his weight. "I like this one better." He tries climbing up.

As soon as he starts, Zeke instantly moves away from the animal he was by and makes his way back to where Uriah stands. As Uriah heaves himself up and over the back, Zeke stands guard, ready to catch him.

The boys are both occupied, so I turn to Nick. "What did you think of me that day?"

"The day I met you?" Nick checks.

I feel myself blush. "Yes."

"Remember, I realized pretty quickly that you were Leeann's friend," he prefaces what he's about to say.

I smile, wanting to both laugh and cry at the memory. I want to laugh at how he – like Leeann and later Eli – related my coming to Natalie's going. I want to cry for missing Natalie. "I remember."

"I thought you were pretty brave going from Abnegation to dealing with Leeann Pedrad as a friend. When you came up with the location to hide the flag, I thought you were good at planning things." He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. "I thought you were pretty."

My breath catches at his admission. I can't stop myself from checking, "You think I'm pretty?"

"I did that day. I don't think of you as pretty these days," he admits softly. It hurts a little to hear him say that. Then he continues, "To me, you are beautiful, inside and out."

* * *

"So, do you think Uriah can get Rita and Kari there without telling them why?" Carly asks.

I laugh at Carly. "Are you kidding? If there is a party involved, I'm pretty sure that Uriah could get _himself_ there without telling himself why."

Carly's laughter joins mine at the truth of my statement. It is a well-known fact that Uriah is the life of any party, much like Eli was.

My eyes scan screens that I can see from Carly's angle. Sometimes I miss the routine of the Control Room. I even miss the mind-numbing nothingness this late at… "Conner, go back," I call out suddenly. I saw something on his last screen. A chill runs down my spine. It's not what I think it is. It can't be.

"Conner, what camera is that?" Carly asks.

"Factionless seventeen," he calls back.

She pulls it up on the big screen. "What do you see?"

"Look at the bottom right corner," I point as I tell her.

"That's a person kicking a pile of rags?" Carly squints at the screen then types in the commands to zoom in on that area of the screen.

"That's not a pile of rags." It may look like it, but it's not. I saw someone move.

Carly gasps and grabs the emergency phone. In a moment, she's relaying what we just saw to the Factionless Patrol. She has barely hung up the phone when we see the person stop kicking at the figure on the ground and run off.

"Is he alive?" Carly whispers. We watch two members of the patrol run into the camera's field of vision.

"I don't know." Absentmindedly, I lean over her computer and my fingers fly as they start entering commands to check the cameras nearby. Factionless twenty shows what I am looking for: a person in a dark hoodie and red pants fleeing from the area.

Carly's eyes lock on mine. "Hana, tell me we didn't see what we think we saw."

"I wish I could." A chill runs down my spine. "The person who ran away was beating up the person on the ground."

"Jude is dead." Carly says it forcefully. I wonder if she is trying convince me of that or herself.

I look at her, scared by the terror that courses through me. "Jude may be dead, but it still looks like that person was beaten to death, and if not to death, then close enough."

* * *

"What caused you to tell Conner to go back to the camera?" Nate asks me as I sit with Carly in front of the leadership team.

"Something was wrong. It was out of place." I give a slight shrug and shake my head. "I didn't know what it was at first, but I could tell something was wrong. There was a sense of deja vu, that caused me to ask Conner to go back and then the memories of what we watched on the cameras ten years ago was in front of us, playing out again in real life."

There is a snort from Wyatt. "You expect us to believe in that short of a time, from that distance, you saw something, but you don't know what, and that caused you to call out and have them look at what was going on?"

Before I can open my mouth, Carly defends me. "Hana worked in the Control Room with me until Eli died. She has always had a reputation for being extremely observant. When the beatings were going on before, anytime she was working after dark, she was the one who was chosen to watch only the Factionless feeds. She always saw things that no one else saw."

"I remember that," Max backs up Carly.

"Do we really think that the beatings have started again?" Jeri asks.

Carly looks at me like I should know the answer, but I have no idea. All I know is what I saw on one evening in the control room. Carly finally admits, "We don't know. We're watching. Miles is reprograming feeds so that we get a higher concentration of Factionless areas."

Max looks over at me. "Hana, I'm pulling you from the records room for the rest of the week."

"What?" Wyatt sounds outraged.

"I know the records room reports to you, but I'm putting Hana into the back up control room, with Sultana." Kayla, who supervises accounting, nods her consent. "We can't afford to lose any of our eyes from the control room right now, and someone needs to review the last few weeks to see if we have missed anything. Since they both have experience in the control room, I need them to go over the night-time footage of the Factionless areas, starting last night and working backwards. Since they are going to be reviewing old footage, they can work their currently schedules. They will need to check every camera." Max turns to me. "If you see anything, I want it brought directly to my attention."

* * *

We start with the night I saw the beating. Sultana and I pull the footage of not just the camera I saw the beating from, but the nearby cameras as well. We isolate the footage showing the person walking up, the beating, the person leaving, and we follow him as far as we can, but it isn't too far. The figure quickly ducks into a building and no one comes out again that night. "Where did he go?" Sultana asks, puzzled.

I bite my lip and study the building. "I don't know. There must be another exit." We check all the cameras that have any kind of a view of the building, but there is nothing.

We work back, carefully, one day at a time, checking each camera angle. Even though we watch on a split screen, with each feed at faster than normal time, it takes us two days to look over all of the night-time feeds for one day. The first four days we work, we see nothing. In the control room, Carly takes over what I used to do. She watches the Factionless feeds every night.

* * *

"Did they recruit you, too?" Sultana laughingly asks Ezekiel as he follows me into the control room they have set up for us.

"I wish," Ezekiel grumbles and puts his books on one of the tables.

Sultana looks at me questioningly. "E-Zeke had a fever yesterday, and Taylor watched him. He has to be fever free for twenty-four hours before he can go back to school. He's going to catch up on school work while we look over footage."

That plan works for the first hour, before Ezekiel has had as much school work as he can handle without taking a break. Inspiration hits me and I log into a second computer. "Come here." I put Ezekiel at the computer next to me. I get a sheet of paper from his school work and write out some of the basic codes for him. "This is how you pull up a dialog box, and these are the commands you use. Practice them on this." I pull up one of the feeds we've already checked and run it on his computer.

The novelty is enough to settle him down for an hour, before I decide to make him work on his make-up work some more so he will still be entertained by it later. He works on his assignments, but about once every ten minutes he decides he needs to ask me a question so he can look at my screens.

"What's that?" Ezekiel points over my shoulder at the same figure I was looking at.

"That is what Sultana and I are looking for," I tell him as calmly as I can, before turning to Sultana. "Zeke found another one." I give him credit even though I was pretty sure what I had before he pointed it out.

* * *

We deliver this to Max. We again show him the person from the moment we have him or her on camera through the beating. We even show the person dragging off the body, and disappearing with it. Max sends a Factionless Patrol to the place he vanished, to see if they can at least find the body, or a way in and out of the building without being seen.

Ben and Stacia, Tami's friend, are both in Patrol Leadership and are sent to look through the building. Their report is disheartening. They find nothing. Not a body for proof, nor another way in or out of the building.

The same results occur when Carly sees a beating the next night. No body, no way in or out of the building. No way of proving it really happened.

* * *

It comes out that the Council was never made aware of the Factionless beatings the first time. When they find out about them now and they discover that it has happened before, they are _not_ happy that no one let them know. Nate is told that he needs to set up a task force with at least one representative from each Faction.

He does just that: one member from each faction, except for Dauntless. There are _a lot_ of Dauntless included, like Nate is trying to intimidate them into doing what we want based on our numbers alone.

The first two representatives that I see cause my heart to ache, and make me wish I could find a way to speak to them privately. Andrew Prior, the representative from Abnegation, gives no indication that we have ever met each other. But how I would love to ask him about Natalie and their children.

He walks in with Johanna, Amity's representative on the task force. Her hair cascades across the right side of her face, causing her scar to play peek-a-boo as she moves. She starts when she sees me, evidently remembering me from when I was in Amity and the night she got her scar. I would love to ask her how she is doing and about Lois and Jarrod, but I can't talk to her, either.

I stare for a moment at the representative from Candor, a man named Jack Kang. Even though he is too old, at first glance he makes me think of George. He has the same eyes that turn down in the corners, like George and Tori, but he is probably about five years older than me. I force myself to look away instead of staring at him while I wonder what George looks like these days, and how he is getting along on the other side of the fence.

The Erudite representative is named Miguel. He's probably around Jack's age, looks like he has a permanent tan, and wears glasses, like most of the Erudite do. The only thing I know about him is that Nate was very put out that we didn't get anyone from the Top Ten. Miguel is only in the top twenty. Jeanine swore she couldn't spare anyone higher up, but Nate seemed to take it as a personal insult that she couldn't.

From Dauntless, in addition to Nate, there is another member of leadership on the task force. Max is the leader in charge of the Control Room and Factionless Patrol. Sultana, Carly, and I are on it for the Control Room. Ben and Stacia are on as leaders of Factionless Patrol.

Miguel pushes his glasses up on his nose and gets straight to the point. "So, we're trying to locate a person who is Factionless and preys on other Factionless."

"Yes," Nate confirms tersely.

"Why?" Miguel leans forward, questioning him. "It borders on illogical to worry about it. The Factionless have limited roles that they can fulfill in society. They are believed to have reached the point where they can no longer support their population with the jobs that are available to them. Wouldn't it make more sense to let this person take out more of them and put the numbers back into balance before we worry about it?"

Nate stands up and places both hands flat on the table as he leans in. It is an intimidating stance. "If you think about it from a purely economic stand point, I can see where you are coming from, but this is more than economics. Even if you take away the fact that they are still people, and not some diseased animal that needs to put down, there is the chance that this person will move on from preying on the Factionless to preying people who live in Factions. If you feel this way about it, then I would be happy to ask Jeanine to replace you."

Miguel raises an eyebrow at him. "I didn't say I felt that way, did I? I said it borders on illogical. Jeanine doesn't accept the illogical."

Max cracks the knuckles of his fingers. "It took a bit of persuading to get Jeanine to understand this our way."

Miguel smiles brightly. "If Jeanine was reluctant to do this, just let me know what you need me to do."

Every one of us in Dauntless looks to Nate and Max. None of us have thought about what we might need any of the other Factions to do to help us. Nate and Max look at each other, then down at their papers; evidently, they haven't thought about it, either. It is Sultana, who was raised in Erudite, who comes up with the answer. "Figure out where and when he is going to strike next so we can stop him."

Miguel pushes up his glasses and gives her a wiry smile. "That's a tall order, but give me the data that you have collected so far, the dates and locations of the attacks so far, and I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Our second meeting is in the eighth floor Command Center. I look around nostalgically. Before this became the room shared by Tech Support and the Control Room, Eli and I met here when we were dating. It doesn't look the same any more, but I can picture him sitting on a table while we talked. I close my eyes and mentally shake the image from my head before I sit between Carly and Sultana.

Sultana looks at me appraisingly. "How are you doing today?"

I give her a half-smile before giving her an honest answer. "I was better before I came in here." Sultana looks at me quizzically. "Before this became the Command Center, Eli and I used to meet here before we admitted we were dating." I answer her unspoken question.

"Ah. I always wondered where you two met," she responds.

"This is one of the places," I concede, unwilling to share our favorite place to meet, the roof top garden.

About this time, Nate and Max walk in and look around. They complete our group. "Miguel," Nate addresses him without any preliminary greetings, "did you figure anything out?"

Miguel projects a map on the screen with a large red square outlining several blocks. "The good news is the locations are within a grid. The bad news is I'm having problems finding a pattern for the times and days." Miguel runs a hand through his dark hair, leaving it standing up a bit wildly.

"So, what do you propose?" Nate asks thoughtfully.

He brings up a map on the main monitor. "I propose to increase the Factionless Patrols in the area outlined in red for the next week. From the time we are aware of the beatings until now, there has never been more than a week without one. If you put two to three times the number of patrols in that area for a week, there is a very good chance, statistically speaking, that you will be able to apprehend the culprit."

Max looks at Ben and Stacia. "What do you think? Can we do it?"

Ben chews on his thumb nail and then looks over at Stacia. "It will mean overtime, but I think it can work."

* * *

After the meeting, I head home. Zeke hands me a note from his teacher. After I read it, I send Zeke to his room to do his homework, thankful that Uriah is at Kelly's playing with Gabe after school today. Some days are easier than others, Between being in a room Eli and I used to meet in and Zeke's note, today is not an easy day. He was talking in class again. That child just doesn't know when to stop talking. I wonder if this is just his normal chatter, or is it a sign that he need to have someone besides family- that he knows about- and friends to talk to? Should I try to talk to Tami and have her check on him? I wish I could ask Eli his opinion.

I decide to fix myself a mug of tea, hoping that something a little Abnegation will help me focus right now. Brewing tea has always brought me back to that place where I can focus on the world outside of myself. A world where I can selflessly look at what my children need. A place where my pride can take a hit, if that is what my boys need me to do.

I fill the tea kettle with water, and turn on the stove to heat it. The microwave would be quicker; the stove is more deliberate, more Abnegation. As I wait, everything starts to slow down. Where do I start? I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and then another.

Zeke. I open my eyes and move to get my favorite mug from the cabinet, the one Eli got me for my first Mother's Day. I reach out to the jar with the tea bags in it and grab myself one. How do I teach Zeke not to talk when the teacher is talking, or when a classmate is talking, or when they are supposed to be working quietly by themselves, or when…?

The quick rap on the door brings my attention back to what is going on. The door opens, so I know it is family even before I see who it is. "Hana!" I haven't heard Leeann this excited in over a year.

"I'm in the kitchen!" It's good to see someone with the Pedrad grin. I've missed it. Things can't be terrible if one of the Pedrads is smiling. "Want some tea?" At her nod of affirmation, I grab another mug and tea bag.

Leeann bounces on the balls of her feet. She's obviously dying to tell me something. There is a small piece of me that wants to act like Eli and just try to out-wait her, but I'm afraid that if I do that, she's going to explode. Somehow, I manage to wait until after the water is boiling, the tea bags are steeping, and we are sitting before I finally ask her, "What has you so excited?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

I almost laugh. She has no idea the secrets I keep and how many secrets I have. "I can keep a secret," I assure her with a straight face.

Leeann laughs. "The problem is I don't know if I can! Hana, I just found out I'm pregnant."

I carefully set down my mug, trying not to spill it. "Did I hear you right?"

Leeann grins. "Yes!"

"How… when… why…" I can't make a coherent thought, let alone a sentence as I stand up to hug her.

"I decided I could handle it." As we pull back, Leeann's brown eyes are serious with just a hint of moisture in them. "I survived Uncle Abram dying and Eli..."

"I know." I feel tears gathering in my eyes.

"I realize it would be worse if something happened to Chaz. I do understand that. I watched Taylor and you do it, and I figured out that I can do it, too." Suddenly she smiles again. "And you would be there to help me through it, and Nick would help me through it, and our friends would, too."

She's right. She is strong enough. She always has been, and none of us would let her get away with what her father did. I smile back at her as I hug her again, amazed at her news. Tears mist my vision. It took Eli dying for her to realize she can take the risk. It's good to see something positive come from this.

* * *

"I need your help." The words come out in a rush after I pull Nick off to the side at dinner so I can talk to him privately.

Nick's head jerks up in surprise. For a moment he is speechless. "Anything. What do you need?"

"They want me to work overnight for up to a week. It could end up being shorter, but I don't know that it will. I know it is short notice, but would you be able to spend the night with the boys starting tonight?" I bite my lip, waiting for his answer.

"I'd be happy to do it, but what's going on in the records room that you have to work overnights?" Nick looks genuinely puzzled.

"It's not for the record room. It's for the special project that I've been on for the control room," I admit.

"What do they need you for?"

I look around and answer vaguely, "Extra eyes."

"Extra eyes…" Nick repeats slowly, "in the control room or on the ground?"

I shake my head. He's related to Eli. Eli would have asked me the same question. "I was told the control room."

Nick relaxes. "I've got the boys."

"Thanks." I tell myself to be brave and lean over and kiss his cheek.

"Gross! You promised we wouldn't have to watch you kiss!" Uriah announces from the table. I feel my cheeks heat up as everyone at our table turns to look at us.

"I _told_ you," Nick clarifies, "that I wouldn't take her to the Chasm and make out with her."

Uriah makes a face and grumbles. "That's not the way I remember it."

* * *

"What are you doing fixing breakfast?" I ask Nick as I walk into the apartment after the first night of being an extra set of eyes in the control room. They have doubled the Factionless Patrol this week, and pulled Sultana and I to watch the Factionless feeds in the area.

"I figured you needed to eat before you get some sleep, and the boys were complaining that they wouldn't get to see you. I thought a family breakfast was a good idea. And I figured I should prove to you that I can cook," Nick ends with a laugh.

I feel my heart expand a little. "I think that is an excellent idea. Thank you."

* * *

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Nick asks me as he fixes breakfast the last day of my week back in the control room for overnights.

"No." I pull out a mug to make myself some tea.

"What were you looking for?" He scoops scrambled eggs into a bowl.

I bite my lip. We aren't supposed to discuss what has been going on. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but there have been beatings of the Factionless again."

Nick's eyes go wide. "But Jude..."

"I know. I know! Either she's come back from the dead, or we have a copycat on our hands." I fill my mug with water and heat it up in the microwave. We have a task force meeting today and I won't have time to do much besides eat breakfast and get the boys off to school before I have to go to it. I'm hoping the tea will help keep me awake.

"And...?" Nick pulls the bacon out of the frying pan.

"Nothing happened this week." I pull my hot water out of the microwave and start dunking my tea bag.

"What's next?" He pours milk for the boys.

"I don't know. I have a meeting in about an hour to find out."

"Mom!" Uriah hurries over to me.

I put down my mug and hug him. "Did Uncle Nick take good care of you?"

"Yes," Uriah answers enthusiastically. "And we didn't stay up late, or have cake right before bed time, or not brush our teeth before bed or anything like that."

Ezekiel comes in behind him and puts him in a headlock, messing up Uriah's school-ready hair. "You really need to learn when to keep your trap shut."

"I told her we _didn't_ do those things," Uriah answers earnestly as he smooths down his hair.

I look over at Nick, who has turned his back to me so I can't see his face, but his shoulders shake, just a little, like he's trying not to laugh. Something tells me all of those things have happened at least once this week.

"Well, I am certainly glad to hear that," I say, hiding my smile by grabbing the plate of bacon and bowl of eggs for the table.

"What are _those_?" Uriah asks, wrinkling his nose and poking the scrambled eggs with his fork.

"Eggs," Nick says as he takes an empty seat.

"They don't _look_ like eggs. Eggs are yellow in the center with white around them," Uriah informs us.

"They are supposed to be," Nick admits, "but they kept breaking apart every time I flipped them over."

"Like this, they are called scrambled eggs." I take a large helping. Scrambled eggs are an Abnegation food I miss. Although, when I take a bite of Nick's, I have to admit his are better. I'm pretty sure he put salt and pepper on them, which we weren't allowed to do in Abnegation.

* * *

Everyone is glum as we wait for Nate and Max to show up. We all know that we didn't find our person.

"What happened?" Nate demands of Miguel when he walks in. "You said we'd have him within a week!"

Unperturbed, Miguel stands up. He starts projecting on the screen. Evidently, he anticipated this question. "There are a few possibilities as to what happened. We will start with the least likely first."

The first bullet point reads, "Death."

"There is a possibility that the person died. He is Factionless, after all. However, this isn't one of the lowest of the Factionless. This is someone with the strength and power to beat others up, so I don't think that he is that close to death."

The second bullet point reads, "Realized the increase in patrols."

Miguel pushes his glasses up on his face. "There is also the possibility that the person noticed the increase in the patrols and therefore didn't do anything. However, I strongly believe that if this were the case, he would have struck in a different area to prove that he could do it."

There are some murmurs about this one.

Miguel waits for them to die down before he clears his throat to get our attention back. "The next two are the ones that I think are more likely."

The screen changes and shows both of them at once. "The attacker isn't actually Factionless, and someone told him, or he is on patrol and because of the increased patrols, he wasn't able to act, or he got suspicious."

The room is quiet while we all take those in.

Max is the one who breaks the silence and asks in a carefully controlled tone, "Who told whom what?"

I try to remember exactly what I told Nick. I know Nick wouldn't be capable of doing anything like this, but is it possible I told him something and he mentioned it to someone else?

"I told Nick I was going to be working overnight to help in the control room." I only told him about the beatings this morning, so I don't mention that.

"Why would you tell him anything?" Max growls.

Sultana speaks up for me. "She needed someone to watch the boys, Max! And besides, all of us probably told our spouse or significant other something about what was going on."

"Significant other?" Max repeats Sultana's phrasing back to her, while looking at me with raised eyebrows. The one with the scar from the attack during my initiation is still lower than the other one.

I swallow, unsure of what to say. There is something in his look that makes me feel guilty – less about the fact that I've told Nick and more about the fact that Sultana referred to him as my significant other. I've been a widow for almost two years now. It's not unusual in Dauntless for a widow or widower to date or even get remarried.

My sons approve, family approves, my friends approve. I shouldn't let him make me feel that way.

 **I've read a couple of older Fanfictions that had Hana dating Max… I guess you could say this is a nod to that idea, but… I just don't see Hana with Max.**

 **And the quote for the canon part BK2U reminded me that I needed to put in comes from**

 **Four: A Divergent Collection The Son**

 _ **"Control room," Zeke says. "My mom used to work there, and she taught me most of what I'll need  
to know already."**_

 **The intention was to see Zeke at work with her a couple of times and watch him learn, but... that just never worked into the story!**

 **Any thoughts on what is going on with the beatings?**


	67. Chapter 67- Bait

**Thank you for your patience as we get the editing done. We're going to finish this. I promise.**

 **I'm glad you enjoyed Leeann's surprise news. I realized long ago that she and Chaz would - eventually- be parents, but that it would take Leeann seeing her own strength to be able to embrace the idea. Like so many of us, Leeann is stronger than she has given herself credit for.**

 **This first scene... it's just for fun. I wanted to make sure that you get a chance to watch the progession of Hana's and Nick's relationship. This started out as three different ideas, and Bahrfamily couldn't pick a favorite! She liked pieces of each so... I hope you enjoy it, too!**

 **And those of you who guessed who is doing the beatings... will find out if you are right in this chapter!**

 **Wishing everyone a very Merry (early) Christmas!**

 **Chapter 67** **Bait**

"Zeke, keep your left hand up to protect your face. I know Uriah is a little short to reach it, but..." Nick starts giving him pointers, when Uriah decides he needs to prove that the couple of inches that separate them isn't enough to keep him from reaching Zeke's face.

His hand strikes up, only missing because Zeke moves his head in time. "I can reach that face of yours," Uriah taunts. "So, unless you want it to be even uglier than it is, you'd better protect it."

"Oh, yeah?" Ezekiel sounds aggravated and starts swinging a little wildly at his brother.

"Hold it!" Nick's voice has ring of authority to it, and both boys miraculously stop mid-swing. I try not to laugh at the funny sight they make. Zeke's fist is inches away from Uriah's padded helmet, and Uriah's upper cut is about at about Zeke's chest. "Don't fight when you are angry. It makes you sloppy. Either you'll get hurt or you will hurt the other person more than you mean to."

Zeke drops his arms. "But he said..."

"I was here. I know what he said," Nick reminds him. "He was trying to get you to react."

"And it worked," I point out from the sideline.

"Yeah, it worked," Zeke admits with a grumble.

"Why don't you two take a break from each other and work on the bags for a little bit," Nick proposes. Uriah looks reluctant to leave the ring, but Ezekiel seems more than happy to work on the bag instead. I move away from the bag I was practicing on. The boys were much too busy fighting with each other to realize how bad I am at it. I pull off my gloves and stop to get a drink, then take a seat on the floor by the fighting area. There are several bags left to practice on, but I'd rather watch the two of them.

Zeke punches the bag and stands there, watching it swing for a minute, before hitting it again.

"Keep it up, Zeke. Don't just hit the bag and watch it swing. When you are in initiation, you won't want to give your opponent a chance to hit you," Nick instructs Zeke.

Zeke throws four or five punches in a row instead of his normal one, before he stops to see how much the bag swings.

"Better," Nick encourages him and then turns his attention to Uriah. He watches him for a couple of minutes and the starts giving him some pointers. "Keep your knees bent, Uri. You have to be able to move."

"What?" Uriah hits the bag hard, then turns to look at Nick. The bag swings back and knocks him off balance.

Nick manages to keep from laughing, but Ezekiel and I don't.

"Like that's never happened to you," Uriah grumbles and rubs his shoulder where the bag hit him.

Ezekiel stops laughing.

"Actually, I think I can honestly say, that's never happened to me," I answer with a smile from my seat.

"Really?" Uriah looks impressed.

Now it is Nick's turn to laugh. "That's because your mother could never get a bag to move as much as you do."

"Mom?" Ezekiel turns to me for confirmation.

I glare at Nick and pull my gloves back on. I stand in front of the bag next to Uriah. I try to remember the tips Nick and Jazz gave me when they were teaching me to protect myself from Jude, along with the ones Eli gave me the night he tricked me into touching my neck so he could kiss me there. I punch the bag seven or eight times in a row, and the bag doesn't move quite as much as it did for Uriah, but it is better than the last time Nick saw me use the bag. I smile back at him.

"I'm impressed. Have you been practicing without me?" Nick asks with a grin.

I think about sticking out my tongue at him, like the boys do to each other, but instead I just smile and raise my eyebrows at him, "Wouldn't you like to know!"

Nick laughs "Okay, Hana, your turn in the ring with me."

I eye him suspiciously. "I've already passed initiation."

Nick raises an eyebrow at me. "And you've never needed to defend yourself since initiation?"

I glare at him as I put on the padded suit he holds out for me. I lean into him and tease him quietly enough that the boys can't hear me. "Are you warning me that there is someone in your past who might come after me?"

"You know there has never been anyone else," Nick responds seriously.

My breath catches, and it takes me a moment to remember to breathe again. "I know."

Neither of us speaks again until we get into the ring. "Okay, it's been a few years. Let's see what you remember."

I know the boys are watching, so I set myself up the way Nick has been teaching them. Lifting my hands to protect my face and keeping my knees soft so I can move easily, I watch his hands and his eyes. Nick, like most people, always looks where he is about to punch.

His right hand twitches, and I move away from it. It sails through the air, missing me. I grin at him. We both reset our positions. This time it's his eyes that give away the fact that his right is going for my side, and I bend out of his way. "You fight like a Stiff," Nick taunts me with a playful twinkle in his eyes. "All defense, no offense."

I twist my face into a half-smile, half-grimace to keep myself from laughing outright at his comment. I look at Nick's right ear and then quickly strike with my right hand towards his right side. He moves to protect his face and runs right into my punch.

"Mom got the first point!" Uriah proclaims excitedly.

Nick chuckles. "That just means I'm a good teacher. After all, Amar's mom and I were the ones who trained her to defend herself."

"Why were you training mom to defend herself?" Uriah asks.

I give Nick a look that tells him the boys know nothing about Jude.

"One of your dad's ex-girlfriends," he starts.

"Dad dated someone besides mom?" Zeke sounds shocked.

"Yes," I tell him firmly, hoping my tone of voice will keep him from asking more questions.

"She tried to attack your mom because she thought your mom was trying to steal your dad from her." Nick hurriedly finishes up his explanation.

"You stole Dad from someone?" Uriah sounds impressed.

"She _thought_ I was trying to. Back then, your dad and I were friends because of Aunt Leeann. I wasn't trying to take him from her. In fact, it shocked me when, months after your dad broke up with her, he asked me out." I try to set the record straight.

"You and Dad started out as friends?" Zeke asks.

I feel nostalgic as I answer that. "Yes, we did."

"Just like you and Uncle Nick."

* * *

Andrew and Johanna stand by the door, waiting for today's meeting. Sultana, Carly, and I join them to see if they are talking about what is going on. "Do you think that more supplies would make a difference?" Johanna asks him.

"Think about it. If the Factionless have enough to eat, are they going to beat someone up so they can have theirs?" Andrew replies earnestly.

Johanna clasps her hands in front of her. "I can talk to my faction to see if there is anything that can be done with the resources we have. I know we don't have the resources to raise more animals at this time."

"What about an increase in the peanuts?" Andrew suggests.

"Peanuts?" I join in the conversation, puzzled as to why that would be what they increased.

"Peanuts are high in protein," Sultana answers for them.

"Since we don't have the land and labor resources to produce and give the Factionless animal protein, we could make peanut butter to help supplement it." Johanna sounds thoughtful. "I'll have to see what the faction says at the next meeting."

Just then Nate and Max walk in. "We are going to try a different approach this time," Nate announces as we all take our seats.

"This time," Max stares at each of us in turn as he looks around the room, "there is no telling anyone who is not approved, and you must have approval for what you tell them."

* * *

What I thought was going to be a quick meeting takes all day. With Miguel being the only Erudite in the meeting, it takes a long time find and shore up all the holes in the plan. Sultana's Erudite past shines through a few times with the ideas that she comes up with, and I've pretty much decided after just over a decade of watching her, that if Carly is Divergent, her second faction is Erudite.

We leave without figuring everything out, since part of the plan actually counts on Miguel and his faction inventing a tracker for us to use. Miguel thinks most of the technology for it is in place and we agree to meet next week to check on their progress.

* * *

It surprises me when I get near our apartment and I see Shauna sitting outside our doorway, crying. Shauna, like most Dauntless, is not the crying type. I sit down on the floor next to her, worried that something serious has happened to her. "Are you hurt?"

Her head pops up, and she quickly brushes away the tears and stands in a belated effort to look tough. "I'm fine." Her voice wobbles despite her best efforts to sound like she is in control.

I debate trying to push her but decide it is better just to let her be. "Okay, if you're sure." I stand up myself and brush my palms over my pants in an effort to make sure I don't have any dust from the floor on me.

"Hana, why is he so mean?" Shauna's voice breaks.

A weight drops into my stomach. Shauna and Ezekiel were supposed to meet up after school today. I dread hearing the answer to the question I need to ask, since I'm pretty sure I already know the answer. "Who is 'he'?"

"Zeke. We were supposed to meet in the training room to work out, but according to Uriah, Ashley asked him to go for a run with her after school today and…. Is there something wrong with me?" She slumps against the wall, head hanging down.

It breaks my heart to see her look this way. Right now, I could break my son's leg for doing this to her. Gently I cup her face, lifting it until her eyes meet mine. "There's nothing wrong with you. It's him, and what is wrong with him can't be fixed."

"What's wrong with him?" Shauna looks concerned.

"He's a boy," I answer simply, laughter in my voice.

Shauna looks at me, puzzled. "What do you mean by that?"

I take a deep breath. "It means he didn't think about it. I love E-Zeke, but he has a tendency to live in the moment. He doesn't stop to think about what he may have already agreed to if someone suggests something fun. Or if something catches his eye, he doesn't think about anyone else, he just goes off and does what he wants. He does it to me all the time."

"He does?" There is a spark of hope in Shauna's voice.

"He does," I assure her, putting an arm around her shoulder in a half-hug.

"It doesn't mean that he likes Ashely better than me?" she asks timidly.

"It doesn't mean he likes Ashley better," I assure her again.

Shauna looks relieved and wipes her eyes. "You won't tell Zeke, will you?" I realize it is more than the tears she is referring to. It is the fact that she is upset that he forgot about her.

I look Shauna in the eyes and see a glimmer of something there. "I won't tell Zeke, I promise."

* * *

"If you want to see it one last time, we need to go tonight," Nick tells me as we stand by the elevator.

After years of abandonment, someone realized there is a garden on the roof top. It has been deemed too Amity, and they are going to start taking it down. I had heard this was coming, but I didn't know it was going to be so soon. "I want to, but I don't know if…" The tears in my eyes force me to stop.

"If you don't want to go, I understand, but if you do, I'll be with you, I promise." Nick takes my hand.

I press the up button on the elevator. We ride in silence to the top floor of the Pire, and then we take the staircase to the roof.

The view is watery through my tears. I see the edge of the rooftop where Eli kissed me the first time. I see the black bench we were sitting on when Eli proposed. I turn and see the staircase that Eli and Chaz came through to save me from Jude. I blink hard, trying to clear my vision. Nick gently brushes each tear away as it falls. Wordlessly, he brings me into his arms and holds me. His shirt grows damp where my face presses into it. After a few minutes, he leans close to my ear and says, "Show me your favorite plant." I pull away and show him a purple flower near the bench.

"That's a beautiful one." He draws me over to the bench and presses me down to sit on it. He picks up a small container I hadn't noticed next to it. Using his hands and some improvised tools, he digs out enough dirt around the plant to fill the container. He brings it over to me, kneels on the ground at my feet, and puts it in my lap. "Now you'll always have a piece of your garden."

* * *

"Why are we meeting here?" Jack Kang asks when we have all gathered at the Wrigley Square monument in Millennium Park.

It's Miguel, not Nate or Max, who answers. "We're looking for my son."

"I fail to see why it is our problem that you have lost your son and need help finding him." Jack's voice is stern.

Miguel holds up a screen that reminds me of the tablet that I gave back to Natalie. "I haven't lost my son. I have the tracker finished, and we are going to test it to see if we can find him."

Jack has the good grace to accept that explanation without further comment.

"So, how does it work?" Sultana asks.

"The signal is sent out and when the receiver gets it, it will place a dot on the screen corresponding to where it is at," Miguel answers.

Carly looks over his shoulder. "Can you see the streets?"

"That is one limitation to it. I couldn't put a map of the entire city on it, so it shows the location, but not necessarily the best way to get there." Miguel flips on the screen and points to a dot in the far corner. "There's my son. Shall we try it out?"

* * *

If Miguel would have let us just follow the signal, we could have gotten there faster, but he insisted that we stay on the paths of Millennium Park. "In the Factionless sector, you will have to stay on the streets. It is easier here to figure out the right way to go because you can see everything, but it will be closer to the way the tracker will actually be used if we stay on the paths."

Staying on the paths, it takes us about half an hour to get to Lurie Park, where Miguel's son is. His son has the same permanently-tanned skin that Miguel has. In true Erudite fashion, his brown eyes are framed by glasses. At first I think he is working on the same Saturday school project that Eric was working on when I saw him with Marisa, since it looks like he has a sample of every flower on the ground in front of him.

Most of the flowers are grouped together by color, with purple being the predominate color, but I can see he's started doing something else. He has started a second row of flowers. There are not as many on it. I wonder what he is doing.

A woman in blue with her hair in a braid tucked under to hide the end walks up to Miguel. There is a twinkle in her brown eyes. "He's categorizing the flowers."

Miguel's lips twitch, like he is trying to hold back a smile. "He does like to make sure everything is classified correctly, doesn't he? Fernando!"

The boy looks up from the flowers that he holds in his hands. "Yes, Father."

"May I have the tracker back, please?"

Fernando looks at the flowers in his hand, and then at the flowers on the ground. He quickly adds each one to a different pile, then walks over to his father. "Here you go." He hands him a blue rectangular box about as long as my palm and as wide as two fingers with a button on it.

"Thank you. Now you can go back and finish classifying the flowers."

"I know there is a right way to do it," he tells his father earnestly. "I just can't figure out what it is."

Miguel puts a hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'll only be a few more minutes."

"So, what is the next step?" Andrew asks as we walk away from Fernando.

"We need a volunteer," Nate answers.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" I hear Ben talking to someone.

"She's here, isn't she?" Nick's voice is upset.

"Who? Nick, you can't go in there!" Ben tries to stop him.

"You can _not_ be doing what it looks like you are doing." Nick barges in. Kamil and Sultana are watching the boys tonight. I'm not sure how he found out I am getting ready to go out with the Factionless Patrol.

I finish pulling the red hoodie with light blue and gray patches over my head and adjust it so it covers the waistband of the ripped blue jeans that I am wearing. "What does it look like I'm doing?" I bend down to put on the black tennis shoes, the only part of the outfit I'm wearing that are actually mine. I was getting ready to donate them to the Factionless, but I kept them so I would have some decent shoes, even if I don't have decent clothes.

Nick grabs my arm. "You're not putting yourself out there as bait."

"Why not? Who better to do it?" I challenge him.

"Anyone!" he shouts back at me.

"Nick, I worked in the Control Room when this happened the first time. I've been helping ever since it started again. I helped to figure out how to catch whoever is doing this," I explain reasonably.

"Exactly," Nick growls at me. "You've done your part."

"No, I haven't." I'm still too Abnegation to think I've done my part.

"What about Zeke and Uriah? You need to keep yourself safe for them. What about me?" He challenges me with the only things that made me hesitate to volunteer for this.

But I've already thought this through.

"The three of you are part of the reason I'm doing this," I respond calmly.

"How are you doing this for _us_?" Nick's voice is accusing.

"Your _dad_ is out there. With the way Dauntless's rules for physical ability are going, Taylor will be there soon. Do you think those rules are going to be any better as you and I get older? I can't let them get hurt. If we let them get hurt, what is it going to be like when _we_ are out there?" I explain my reasoning to him.

Nick's shoulders sag. "There's no talking you out of this, is there?"

I move close enough to put my hand on his cheek. "The Erudite that I've been working with created a tracker that I can activate. Max, Nate, Stacia, Ben, and a whole team are going to be in place. They will be able to locate me by it. I'm safe."

Nick leans in and kisses my cheek. "Promise me you won't take any risks you don't have to."

I smile grimly. "I promise." I pull the gun tucked into my waistband through the hole in my pouch and bring it out ready to fire, except my finger is _by_ the trigger instead of on the trigger. "I can even defend myself if I need to."

Nick shakes his head. "Eli was right. There really is more to you than meets the eyes. But I swear, Hana, you are the blackest shade of gray I have ever met in my life."

* * *

"I don't recognize you." A pair of Factionless women come up to me. The one who speaks is the taller of the two. She has dark hair and an olive complexion, and is wearing a torn Dauntless jacket, faded Eruidte T-shirt, and ripped red Amity jeans as she comes up next to me. "Are you new?"

The second lady says nothing. She is hard to look at. One eye looks at me, and the other one looks in a different direction, giving her the appearance of being able to watch two directions at one time.

I don't know why it hadn't dawned on me that, since I am dressed like someone who is Factionless, it would be possible that I would be approached by someone who is Factionless and I would not know if they are the attacker. For a moment my mouth is dry, and I'm not sure what to say. I think about explaining to her what I am doing, but then I realize that I can't do that. Even though the footage only shows one person and there are two of them before me, I can't trust them. For all I know, she is the person beating up the Factionless, or they feed information to the person who does. "Yes." My voice shakes with nerves. My hands slip into the pocket of my hoodie, where my left hand grips the tracker and my right hand holds the butt of the gun. I am ready to pull it out if I need to.

"If you're new, then you don't know what's been going on around here. We need to get out of this area. I'm Johnson." The woman introduces herself while trying to walk me away from my target area. "What Faction are you from?"

I stop moving and stare at her for a moment. Johnson. The woman from Abnegation who was helping Abram and the rest of the Factionless. "Abram told me about you." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Her dark eyes narrow. "You know Abram?" The use of the present tense sounds like a test.

"I _knew_ Abram. I know Evan." I emphasize the past tense when it comes to Abram.

She eyes me warily. "How new are you?"

It's a valid question, since Abram has been dead for over two years now. "Abram was my father-in-law." I feel like I can safely admit that much. My mind traces back my conversations with Abram, trying to decide if it is safe to tell her what I'm doing here. The beatings before were over before Abram became Factionless, and he didn't start talking about her until closer to the end. Maybe she is safe, but I still don't know anything about the other woman.

Johnson continues to look at me. "Not many families keep up with their loved ones."

"The Pedrads never would have abandoned him, but I came from Abnegation, so that probably made it a little easier." I look over her again, trying to decide if I can place her, or if she is younger than me.

A grim smile crosses her face. "That explains the fact that there seemed to be special interest in him."

Suddenly I know where I have seen her before, and I realize we are close to the same age. I saw her at my Nuptials Day. I saw her on the front stairs of Gayle's old house. I saw her on the cameras with her husband. Johnson isn't her name any more. It's Eaton. She's married to Marcus. I look at her hand and notice her Abnegation wedding ring is missing. "Abram mentioned you are Abnegation, too." Although how he knew she was Abnegation when she wears Factionless clothes is another question.

"I _was_ Abnegation." Her voice is hard.

"Oh…" I'm not sure how else to respond to that.

"Do you want me to introduce you to a community, or will you be joining Evan's?" she asks abruptly, like she is suddenly wanting to be rid of me.

"I know where Evan is. I just got a little turned around in the dark." Evan doesn't live in the target area, but as long as she doesn't follow me, there is a route to his place that will keep me in my area. I'm just not going to be following the route we have planned for tonight. And I'm going to have to figure out how to get a message to Evan now, so he has an idea of what is going on. I'm also going to need to figure out what to tell him.

"Be careful around here. Someone has been beating up loners. I've been trying to convince people they need to stay at least in pairs. You need to find Evan soon." They turn away from me and head away in the direction of the fastest way out of the target area.

"I will," I lie to her.

* * *

I round another corner within the grid that Miguel determined is where we are likely to find the person beating the Factionless. I'm not quite back to the route I'm supposed to be on, but I'm getting closer. My steps falter. He – or she – beat me here. There is a Factionless man already on the ground, rolled into a ball while the attacker draws back his leg for another kick. "Stop!" My scream is hoarse, almost unrecognizable to me, as I press the button on the tracker.

He turns away from the man he is hitting and heads towards me. "It's my lucky night! I get two for the price of one."

I freeze for a second. I know that voice. It's not someone who is Factionless, and it's not Jude. Miguel was right that we needed to keep this quiet. The attacker is Dauntless. In fact, he works in the Dauntless Patrol and in Amity Patrol. He starts coming towards me. I finger the emergency tracker in my pouch and press it again. "Stop." I pull out the gun and wrap just my right hand around the stock of the gun, holding it tightly with my finger just on the trigger. I know it's not really the way to hold the gun if I am going to fire, but I'm not going to take my left hand of the tracker until either someone else show up or until I am closer to shooting.

He laughs at me, letting his head fall back so his hood falls off. I can see his face and verify that I am right. I _do_ know that voice.

Zane.

 **So... several of you guessed (correctly) that Zane was the attacker.**

 **There were a couple of cameos in this chapter. How many did you catch? Leave me a review. I'd love to see if you got them all!**


	68. Chapter 68 - Ready or Not

**Sorry about all the delay. We're still here!**

 **The cameos in the last chapter vary, depending on how you define them. I define cameos as people who don't regularly appear in this story. At the the broadest, that would make the cameos: Andrew Prior, Johanna Reyes, Jack Kang, (although... those three have been in several chapters lately. I'm not sure I would count them.)**

 **Fernando, Evelyn Johnson, and Therese (I described her lazy eye, but didn't give her name.)**

 **Thank you, once again, to Bahrfamily, for working this in between a holiday trip and a house full of sick family members.**

 **Chapter 68 Ready or Not**

Zane's laugh is maniacal. "I should have known that a Stiff like you would volunteer to try to get me."

It startles me for a moment to hear the term "Stiff" applied to me. Yes, Eli called me that, but Eli has been dead for two years now. My background has been hidden for nearly a generation. But Jude knew that Eli called me that, and I can believe that she knew where I was from and shared that information with Zane.

"Was it always you?" I ask, not letting the gun shift off of him, but pushing the button of the tracker in the hoodie again.

He takes a step towards me. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"I would." I stare him straight in the eyes. "I would like to know if it was always you, or if you took over from Jude."

Zane studies me for a moment. "There is a rush you get from beating someone up, a rush you get from holding someone's life in your hands, from knowing that it is you, and you alone, that determines if someone will live or die. Jude and I shared that rush. It was both of us. If it hadn't been for her obsession with Eli and you… We would have been a perfect couple. Actually," Zane take a slow, measured step closer to me, "there was a time when we both held _your_ life in our hands."

When we were on the roof top, before Jude tried to kill me, she had told me that if she needed help, it wouldn't have been Marley that she would have turned to. She never told me who it was, or what they did. It is obvious now that the who was Zane. My brow furrows, wondering when he held my life in his hands. Zane wasn't on the roof top the night Jude tried to kill me, was he?

"Think about it." He takes another step closer. "Think about all the accidents Jude caused." He takes another step, closing the distance between us.

I push the panic button again and again. I can feel my hand getting ready to tremble. Where is everyone? I take a calming breath and try not to think not to think about the situation I am in now. I concentrate on the accidents Jude caused in order to distract myself from my fear. What was she most likely to need help for? "Did you help set things up on the roof top?" I work hard to keep my voice strong and steady.

Zane smiles a twisted smile at me. "I did, but that's not what I was thinking about. What was the other close call?"

Suddenly I hear the crackle of flames and smell the smoke in my memory. "You helped with the fire." My voice shakes this time.

"Very good." Zane takes another step towards me. "Jude made the sandwich and put the accelerant around you while pretending to clean the control room. I'm the one who disabled the automatic sprinklers and jammed the manual valve." He takes another step closer. "I'm also the one who gave Jude her alibi by making sure she was locked in that room they found her in."

"And the clothes they found in her room. The ones from the beatings and when she cleaned the control room?" I ask, curious to know if he had anything to do with them being there.

There is a bark of laughter. "Jude was too smart to keep those things in her room. Even when she only had the Factionless clothes so she could go see her dad, she didn't keep the clothes in her room. I had a key to her room. That made it easy to set it up to make sure that she got the blame for all of it." Zane moves closer again. He's now about ten feet away from me.

"You got away with it. No one suspected you. So why did you start again?" I push the tracker again. Isn't it working? Someone should be here. I'm not that far off from where they expected me to be, am I? I didn't get so far off course that they can't pick up the tracker.

Zane shrugs nonchalantly. "I missed it. I craved the adrenaline rush again. I thought if I was careful and only did it one time it would be enough, but it wasn't." He moves closer to me.

"Don't come any closer." I hit the button one last time, then put my left hand around the butt of the gun to steady it. There's no point in pushing the button again. Either they are going to find me, or they aren't. Pushing the button again isn't going to change that. I need to be prepared.

Zane snorts. "You won't do it. You won't pull the trigger." He takes another step.

"What makes you think I won't do it?"

"Once a Stiff, always a Stiff. There is no way you could be selfish enough to take someone's life." He steps closer and holds out his hand to me, palm side up to me. "Give me the gun, Hana. If you do, I'll make it quick and painless."

"The next step you take will be your last. Don't make me do it." I take a deep breath and hold it.

Zane laughs again. "You're a Stiff. There's no way you can take another person's life." He takes a step.

I exhale as I pull the trigger.

The first shot is still ringing in my ears when I shoot again. He staggers a bit, but comes even closer. I keep my eyes open as I pull the trigger a third time.

After the third shot, he stops moving towards me and falls to the ground. I keep the gun trained on his unmoving form.

"Hana!" Ben's voice comes from behind me, along with the sound of pounding footsteps.

"Yes!" I don't look at him. I'm unwilling to take my eyes off Zane's still form.

"What happened?" Ben is breathless.

"It was in Zane." I suddenly remember he was beating someone up when I got there. "He was beating someone up over there." I take my left hand off the gun and point in the general direction of where they had been.

"Paula, go check on the victim," Ben says before addressing me again. "What happened?"

"I came across him and yelled. He turned on me. We spoke, but he kept coming closer to me." Tears start to build in my eyes. My voice starts to shake. I start to shake. "I warned him to stop, but he kept coming closer. I… I…"

"You shot him to keep him from coming any closer." Ben's voice is understanding.

"I had to." I sound desperate.

"I know you did. I know." His voice is soothing. "Can you put the gun down, so I can check on him?"

Slowly, tremblingly, I start to lower the gun I had forgotten I was holding. Only as I lower my arms do I feel the ache from holding them up for so long. Ben moves to Zane's still form. He kneels beside Zane and checks for his pulse. "Is he…?" I can't finish the last word.

Ben looks at me. "He's dead."

* * *

I am surprised to see Nick there waiting for me when we get back. I thought he was so mad at for doing this that we might be finished. He looks at me for a long moment.

The longer he stares at me, the more I feel the weight of what just happened.

"Are you okay?" Nick finally breaks the silence.

If I speak, I will cry – I will sob. So I nod instead of saying anything.

"She did wonderfully. She's fine, but she's had a bit of a shock," Stacia tells him. "The person responsible was Zane. He threatened her. We got there as quickly as we could, but he approached her in a threatening manner, and she shot him."

Nick pulls me in tight. "Hana."

"I'm fine." My voice is stronger than it was when I told the story to Ben. "I'm fine."

Nick releases me from his embrace, but he doesn't let me go. Instead, he keeps his hands on my shoulders. "If anything had happened to you…"

"Nothing happened to me," I remind him again. "I'm fine."

Stacia clears her throat. "I need to go, but Hana, you did really well tonight. If you ever want to move to Factionless Patrol, we'd be happy to have you."

Nick's hands move to cup my face. He answers Stacia without taking his eyes off me. "That's not going to happen."

Stacia's gaze flits from one of us to the other. A look of understanding dawns on her face. "I'm headed home to my girls. I'll see you both later." Through the closed door we can hear her exclaim, "Oh my goodness! It's finally happened!"

We are alone.

I reach up on my tip-toes to kiss him. I'm surprised when I realize that, since our height difference isn't as much as mine and Eli's was, I'm about to kiss his lips. For a brief moment, I think about making myself stop. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

"I'm not Eli," Nick reminds me in a voice I can barely hear, despite the fact that we are mere inches away from each other.

"I know you're not," I respond equally softly.

"Then who am I?" he checks.

"You're Nick." I move in closer.

"And who is Nick to you?" Nick holds his breath as he asks the question. We are so close now that our heads tilt slightly so our noses don't touch.

I've felt this question coming recently. The closer we get, the more Nick seems to struggle with the idea that he's just a replacement for Eli. "You're my friend, you're my supporter." I take a deep breath and force myself to be brave enough to finish what I need to say. "You're the man I'm beginning to love."

And our lips touch, just for a moment. But in that moment, I feel something stirring in me again, something coming back to life. I drop back onto my heels, looking deep into his dark brown eyes, seeing them truly as Nick's eyes. "Thank you." I'm not sure I actually said the words until Nick reaches his hand out cradles my head with it.

"For what?" His voice is thick with emotion.

I feel the beginning of smile trace my lips. "For showing me I can love again."

Nick lets his thumb trace my cheek bone, gently rubbing it back and forth. "Thank you," he responds, his voice deeper than normal.

Both of my eyebrows rise. "What are you thanking me for?"

A small smile forms on his lips. "For showing me that I _can_ love, that it is worth it to take a chance on someone else."

We move back together, our lips once again touching. It's a short kiss, but as we move apart, I know I feel surer of him – of us – this time.

* * *

Zane is dead, and Candor insists on treating it like murder, even though it was self-defense. That isn't entirely true, since I'm not in custody, but I do have to face the truth serum. I have a limited scope of experience to compare it to. I'm not a child like I was when I had to go under it in school. Marley is my only other frame of reference, and my case isn't exactly the same as hers was, since I admit to shooting him. It is only my motive that they want to double-check.

My questioning is private. Andrew and Nate are here since they are faction leaders who were involved in the events that led up to the shooting. Jack Kang is also here, since he was Candor's representative on the task force. That is everyone, except Nick and the person who will be asking me the questions. Nick is here for me, because he argued that there should be someone here for me, that I have been through enough, and that, since it was self-defense, I should be allowed a friendly face.

"My name is Niles," the questioner starts. He's more than a decade older than he was when I saw him before, back when he was training for the job and helped question Marley about her contribution to the accidents that had happened to me. "I'll be your questioner today. I understand you've been under truth serum before."

Nick looks at me, a little surprised.

"I was, but that was years ago, back when I was still in school," I confirm.

"Do you have any questions before we get started, or do you remember how it works?" Niles checks with me.

"I remember."

"Good. Have a seat." He motions to the chair. After I sit in it, he cleans the side of my neck and then I feel the bite of the needle entering my skin.

My body starts to gain weight as the truth starts to press into me. I feel my head lean back and roll. I know my arms are weighted down and there is no way I can move them or my legs.

"I will start with some basic information while you adjust to the serum. What is your name?"

"Hana Pedrad." My voice sounds like it is in a tunnel.

"And your husband's name?"

My heart aches for a second and the truth comes out in a rush. "I'm not married. I'm a widow. My husband was Eli Pedrad."

My eyes dart and land on Niles. He looks confused. "Who came with you?"

"My boyfriend, Nick." My eyes dart next to Nick. I see him smile that I referred to him that way, but how else would I have referred to him? Oh! "He's also Eli's cousin."

"Very good." Nile's voice sounds amused. "What were you doing in the alley the night you shot Zane?"

"I have been part of the task force for the Factionless beatings. I volunteered to dress as the Factionless to help them find the person who has been doing this."

* * *

"Obviously it didn't go too badly," Leeann jokes when Nick and I arrive to pick up the boys.

"She's fully cleared from murder. Candor ruled it as self-defense and the case is closed. Although I did find out something very interesting," Nick tells her with a grin.

I feel my brow pucker as I wonder what he found out. I told him the story of what happened with Zane before we went to Candor. It must be the fact that I've been under truth serum before. I can't think of anything else new that came out during my interrogation. He's going to be surprised to find out Leeann knew before he did.

"It turns out, Hana has a boyfriend!" He whispers the words like he is sharing a confidence.

Leeann rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him. "I think you're the only one around here who didn't know that." She pauses for a minute. "I need to borrow Hana. Chaz has the boys, and they'll be back soon."

"I can wait." Nick sits down on their couch to prove it, while Leeann leads me back to their bedroom.

"What do you need me for?" I ask her when we get to the bedroom.

Leeann smiles. "You admitted my brother is your boyfriend. Aren't you a little old to have a boyfriend?"

I laugh. "Well, what do you suggest you call him?"

"I still like the idea of you calling him your husband," Leeann admits.

"Leeann, don't you think that's between us?" I try not to sound exasperated.

"It is. And I know it is, but Hana…" She takes a deep breath. "You still wear your wedding ring."

I look down at Eli's ring and start twisting it around my left ring finger with my thumb.

"I'm not sure if you know this, but when a widow or widower in Dauntless is ready to move on, they either take off their wedding ring, or they move it to the ring finger of their right hand." She puts a gentle hand on mine. "I don't know if you're ready for that yet or not. You're the only one who can know that, but I just realized that you might not know how things like that are handled here, and you should."

I reach over and hug her. After all these years, she's still looking after me, helping to me know what it takes to fit into Dauntless. I look down at my ring, biting my lip to fight against the tears building in my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet, either.

* * *

"The council will be looking into having Dauntless moved out of the Factionless sector," Andrew tells us matter-of-factly, right before we dismiss the task force for the last time.

"What?" Max sounds outraged.

Andrew's blue-grey eyes flash with a furor that, even behind the closed doors of their homes, is seldom seen in someone from Abnegation. "Your patrols were supposed to be _protecting_ them. The person who was beating them up was on those patrols."

"One bad apple doesn't mean…" Nate starts.

"It wasn't just one. According to Hana's testimony, Zane shared with her that Jude had been assisting him before her death. There is a general feeling that if this has happened once, it can happen again," Andrew states in an even tone.

"I doubt it will go through the council quickly," Max fills in arrogantly.

Andrew hides a smile. The only reason I know this is because, during my childhood, I performed the same act a million times: pressing my lips together to flatten out the ends that want to turn up. "You are correct that very little goes through council quickly, but I know there is already enough support that this will go through faster than a lot of things do. I would guess that within a year, you will find yourselves looking for new jobs for about half your faction."

Max eyes Andrew for a moment, then answers him more calmly than I expect him to. "I am sure there are other things we can find for them to guard."

* * *

Friday night we eat dinner at home: the boys, Nick, and me. After dinner, we'll set things up for our weekly card game with Sultana, Kamil, and Amar. I'm looking forward to the tradition of the evening, after last week's events.

"You look tired. Are you sure you're up for this?" Nick checks with me as he puts a helping of mashed potatoes on his plate.

"I'm fine," I assure him with a small smile.

"How are you sleeping?"

I shake my head at his question. Is he _ever_ going to stop asking me that question? "I had a couple of rough nights earlier this week, but I'm doing better now. I'll catch up on my sleep this weekend."

Before Nick can respond, Ezekiel begins knocking on the bottom of the table. It doesn't matter what I say to the two of them; I can't seem to keep them from knocking on things at odd intervals. I'm about to tell the two of them to stop when, instead of Uriah's responding taps, Nick knocks firmly on top the table: one long rap followed by a short one, then a pause and three more long raps.

Both boys look up at him, shocked.

Ezekiel's head furrows in confusion, then straightens out and I hear him knock again.

Before he gets out more than one rap, Nick repeats the same pattern. He looks at Ezekiel and then at Uriah. "Do you both understand me?"

Ezekiel glares at Nick.

"What is going on here?" I ask, confused. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know what is going on.

Nick looks at each of the boys and then at me. "Nothing you need to worry about. It was just boys being boys, and it's been taken care of, right?"

Ezekiel pushes back his chair and leave the table without permission.

"How did…?" Uriah starts the question as I stand up to talk to my eldest.

Nick calmly stands and pushes me gently back into my chair. "I'll talk to Ezekiel. This is between him and me." He kisses me on the forehead, then he turns to Uriah andanswers him. "Who do you think your father used to do it with? Aunt Leeann?"

* * *

Marlene skips up to the table Monday morning beaming. "Guess what?"

Lynn pats the seat between her and Uriah. "What has you so excited, Mar?"

"I'm going to be a big sister!" Marlene squeals. "After all these years!"

We all turn to Bekah, who smiles and sits down to join us. "Congratulations!" Leeann is the first to speak.

"When are you due?" Abilyn asks.

Bekah sighs. "I'm still six months away."

Leeann turns pleading eyes to Chaz. Ever since she passed the three-month mark last week, I've been waiting for the two of them to make their announcement. He takes her hand and squeezes it. "Go ahead," I hear him whisper.

"I wonder which of us will have our baby first," Leeann says nonchalantly, picking up her glass of milk.

The table goes silent, except for the kids, who have moved on to other conversations.

"Leeann?" Angie's voice is tentative.

Leeann's eyes sparkle as she looks over at Angie, her longtime friend who for years tried to protect Leeann from the past. "Yes, Angie, you heard correctly. Chaz and I are going to be parents, too".

Tears spill from both of their eyes as Angie walks over and hugs her.

* * *

"You don't even know what it was. It's not something to pass on to the boys. Don't keep it," Nick tells me as I hold the unidentifiable pieces of something that I pulled out of one of Eli's drawers.

"But it was Eli's."

For the first time, I see Nick getting exasperated with me. "You can't keep straddling two worlds, Hana. I don't expect you to ever stop loving Eli. I don't _want_ you to ever stop loving Eli." Nick brushes my cheek, "You just have to decide if you're going to let go of him enough to make room for me."

I am unable to speak through the knot in my throat. Nick's arms enfold me. I feel the brush of lips against my hairline. A few tears filter through my lashes and onto his shirt. I cling to him, in that moment. His arms are strong and comforting, but he's right. He's not Eli.

He's Nick.

* * *

I turn off most of the lights, leaving a dim glow in the kitchen and put on a kettle of water to boil. I move through the kitchen slowly and deliberately. It's an Abnegation moment for me. A time to put myself aside – or is it? Isn't this ultimately about me?

The realization causes me to sink down onto a kitchen chair. This is about _me_. I'm the only one who can make this decision. It's about what I want. I don't know if I've ever made a decision, this big of a decision, that was only about me.

But even this is not just about me, not really. This decision affects the boys. It affects Nick.

I jump as the whistle of the kettle pierces the air. My mind empties as I go through the ritual of making my tea. Tea bag in, water in, slowly bring the bag up and down. My mind becomes free of thought in this moment, numb to conscious thought as the bag bobs up and down. The tea reaches the right shade of brown. I remove the bag, holding the mug Eli got me for my first Mother's Day. I walk to the couch and sit down. I can't hurt Nick again like I did tonight. He's been here for me every step of the way. Maybe it _is_ time to make a decision about letting go.

Am I ready to let go of Eli?

Am I willing to let go of Nick?

I tuck my feet under me. My hands wrap around the mug. A tapping noise makes me realize I am rhythmically patting the side of my mug. The clink of my wedding ring against it catches my attention.

Eli's ring.

I put down my mug and slowly remove my ring and hold it pinched between my thumbs and first fingers.

Leeann told me that widows who are ready to move on either take off their wedding rings, or move them to their right hand.

I know I'm not ready to take it off. A sudden feeling of relief floods me as I realize that Nick himself told me tonight that I don't need to. He said tonight that he doesn't want me to stop loving Eli.

So that only leaves one question.

Which finger do I put it on?

I stare at my ring. Left or right?

Eli or Nick?

 **I mentioned a couple of chapters ago that I was borrowing the idea from Windchimed of Zeke and Uriah communicating by Morse Code to keep things from their mom. I couldn't resist putting it in one more time and having Nick bust them. It makes sense to me that if Eli was plotting against his parents with someone, it would have been Nick.**

 **There are two questions to be answered at the end of this chapter.**

 **First question is a two part questions. There** **is** **one canon Dauntless child left to be born. Who is it, and is Leeann** **or Bekah** **the mom?**

 **Second** **:** **is Hana ready to move her ring to her right hand, or is she going to leave it on her left hand?**

 **Leave me a review and let me know what you think on either or both questions I'd love to know what you think is about to happen. And if you don't want to coment on that... just leave a review!**

 **And if you do… I'll send you Nick's POV of his talk with Zeke. It will give you a head start on the next chapter!**


	69. Chapter 69 - Hope

**I enjoyed all the reviews to the last chapter. Although he was by far the most popular guess, Hector is not the canon child. He actually has been mentioned in the story already. Back in Chapter 54 Snake Lynn tells Uriah that her younger brother, Hector will be playing capture the flag.**

 **Everyone seems to agree that Leeann will be the mother of the canon character, but split on what Hana is going to do with her ring.**

 **Thank you for Bahrfamily for sticking with me and Betaing this book. She and I are both a little... nostalgic right now. It's been a long journey for the two of us to get here...**

 **Chapter 69 Hope**

I don't notice the change as much as I thought I would. When Eli gave me my ring, I noticed it. It seemed like no matter what I did, it hit something or I would see it, and I would remember all over again that Eli and I were getting married.

When I moved the ring last night, I expected my left finger to feel bare and my right finger to feel heavy. But they don't.

I find it funny that Leeann is the first one to notice the difference. She's always been so unobservant of anything going on around her that doesn't directly involve her, that I never figured she would be watching to see if I followed her advice. I'm not sure if it is because of her preoccupation with her impending motherhood or the fact that she kept her own secret that is causing her to be more discreet than she used to be, or maybe it is that she's finally growing up. But she doesn't say anything to anyone else about it. She simply puts her arm around my shoulder after we dump our trays at breakfast and tells me she's proud of me.

It doesn't surprise me that Nick is the next one to notice it. These days, when we walk places together, he holds my hand. He must notice the change in how it feels. "Are you sure?" he asks me right before we get to the leadership offices.

I can't keep a small smile off my lips. "I'm sure."

* * *

"This is cool!" Ezekiel looks up at the multiple reflections of the four of us from the underside of the Bean.

"Why don't you two go explore a little while your mom and I set up lunch?" Nick suggests.

"Come on, Uri!" Ezekiel winks at Nick. He motions to Uriah and both boys take off in that direction.

I turn to the backpack that we have carried the blanket in, to take it out.

Nick stops me by placing his hand on mine. "I want to take a moment to talk to you while they are gone."

"Okay…" I'm sure I sound a little confused. We're supposed to drop the boys off at Leeann's after we have our family picnic so we can go watch a knife throwing competition without them. Why does he need to talk to me now instead of waiting until then?

Nick stuffs his hand in his pockets and clears his throat. "I want to do this right this time."

I look at him blankly, wondering what he is talking about.

He moves close to me, and leans over to speak in my ear, so no one can overhear what he is about to say. "I, ummm, I talked to the boys already. You see, in Abnegation, before you ask a woman to marry you, you get her family's permission."

My breath catches and my heart starts pounding in my chest. My teeth bite down on my lower lip to keep it from trembling. It feels a bit like when I saw the set up for the Abnegation wedding in our apartment after Eli and I got married.

"They said it was okay with them, as long as it is okay with you. So now I'm going to ask you. The right way. Hana," he smiles nervously as he kneels in front of me, pulling his hands out of his pocket as he does. In his palm is a small band of black metal that has been beaten, creating dents in the metal that look almost gray. "I love you. Will you marry me?"

Feeling tears in my eyes, I let go of the lip that I have between my teeth to answer him. "Yes."

Nick grins as he stands and slips the ring onto my finger. "I know it's almost a shade of Dauntless gray. I guess it just looked like it belonged to you since it is the blackest shade of gray there is."

"It does." I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in so I can kiss him.

"I think this means she said yes." I hear a loud whisper from Uriah.

Nick and I pull apart, laughing. "She said yes."

At this, both boys run up to us and join us in a hug.

* * *

There is a soft rap on the open door to the filing room I'm working in, and Nick's cheerful face appears in the open door.

I look up at him from the floor where I am trying to locate a record for Wyatt. "Is it lunch time already?" If it is, the entire morning has flown by.

"No," he grins at me, "but I have permission for both of us to take an early – and a long – lunch." He walks over and takes my hand to help me up. When I'm on my feet, he plants a quick kiss on my forehead.

I look at him, puzzled. "What's going on?"

"I thought maybe you would like to come with me to meet our niece." Even for a Pedrad, his grin is wide.

"Already?" I find myself smiling in return. Leeann was in the infirmary at breakfast, but with this being her first, I didn't think she'd have the baby until closer to dinner. I weave my fingers in his. "Let's go."

* * *

The room is empty, compared to how full it will be tonight. Taylor was here when Leeann's little girl was born, and she has gone, at Leeann's request, to see if she can find Evan, to let him know he has a granddaughter. I already know that tonight our friends will all pile in here to see Leeann's baby, just like we have for every birth. The room will feel even fuller tonight than it used to when we did this, because the kids are older; they take up more space. Right now, the room feels empty with just Leeann and Chaz along with Nick and me.

Somehow – I'm still not quite sure how it happened – I lost the argument with Nick. This is his niece; he should be the one holding Leeann's little girl, but instead, I'm the one who cradles her. I look around, taking a moment to soak everything in: Leeann's tired but happy smile; Chaz's look of wonder and awe as he sits next to her on the bed, holding her hand. This is the dream, the wish, the hope that he never thought would come true.

I look over at Nick, who squats at my shoulder so he can watch me holding the wonder that, at one time, none of us thought would ever happen. He catches me looking at him and winks at me, like he knows what I'm thinking.

Our family has come such a long way. When I met them, Leeann had Chaz, but she was convinced that she would never be able to handle having a child. Back then, she thought she would never be able to face the demons inside her since childhood and be confident enough to take that chance.

Now Leeann is a mother.

Eli and Nick were both confirmed bachelors, certain that marriage wasn't for them. Eli intentionally dated only wildly inappropriate women, women he knew he would never be tempted to marry.

Eli and I had eleven years and two sons together.

Nick wasn't willing to take any kind of a chance and date at all.

Looking at Nick, I see him counting down the days until I will really be her aunt. I blush, being caught looking at him, and change my gaze to the miracle I hold. Every baby is a miracle. I know that better than most, but this baby... this tiny perfect little girl, is a bigger miracle than most. She brings our family hope that there is still a future.

Leeann's little girl stirs and her eyelids start to flutter. Instantly, I remember Leeann's reaction to Zeke the first time he opened his eyes. The repetition of the family eyes from their grandpa to their mothers to Eli, Nick, and her, to Ezekiel startled her. I prepare myself for the idea that I might see Eli's eyes. I don't want to react badly if I do, but when the unfocused eyes of a newborn appear, they aren't Eli's. They are Chaz's, which is fitting, since he was the one who never gave up...

And there it is, that word repeating itself in my head again. I press my lips together, holding in the exclamation. My lips form her name, but nothing comes out. I clear my throat and her name comes out as a gentle whisper, as I blink rapidly to clear my eyes from the sudden tears. "Leeann." I look from her daughter to her. "I know our lesson."

She looks puzzled for a moment, and then she must remember the conversation we had on the floor as we packed up Eli's things. "What?" She sounds excited to hear what I have learned.

"Hope. We can never give up hope. Life isn't the same as it once was, but we still have hope." In my mind I see Natalie's tattoo of the phoenix rising from its ashes, and I realize that she is not the only phoenix. She is not the only one who has risen from the ashes to reinvent herself. We Pedrads have been reborn from the ashes of our grief. We are phoenixes also.

The phoenix will be my next tattoo, the one I've been trying to figure out for Eli. I'll have Tori put a small one above Angel's handprint, as a reminder we can arise from the ashes of our grief, and find hope in life.

She looks from me, to Nick, to Chaz, and finally to their daughter. I watch her face as her own thoughts and memories pass through her mind. The Pedrad smile grows on her face. She leans into Chaz, who wraps his arms around her and kisses her temple. Her voice is gentle as she speaks. "We may have given her the wrong name. We should have named her Hope, instead of Kee."

 **And there it is, my dear friends and faithful readers. If you missed it through the story, here is my message** **. I** **t's not self-sacrifice, like Veronica Roth's books. Mine is hope. Life will bring bitter times. No one makes it through life without having them, but no matter what happens, don't give up hope.**

 **"** **For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV.**

 **That is one of my favorite verses from the Bible and has gotten me through some of the darkest days of my life. It reminds me that even when we face the worst days that we will ever see, there is still hope for the future.**

 **I hope all of you have enjoyed Hana's story.**

 **There is one more POV for this story. It takes place after this chapter and before the Epilogue. I fell in love with Sophia, Eli's niece in Amity. I wanted to find out what happened to her on her Choosing Day. If you would like to know, leave a review and you can find out, too!**

 **The Epilogue I promised back in Dauntless Gray, that includes Tobias and Beatrice is all we have left.**

 **For this story...**


	70. Chapter 70 - Tobias and Beatrice

**Three years ago today, February 5, 2018, I sat in front of my computer, took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, pushed a button, and the Dauntless Gray world came to life on FanFiciton.**

 **For those of you who have been on this journey with me, whether you were there when it started on February 5, 2015, or you joined along the way, or even if you have discovered it sometime in the future, long after I have published these words, thank you. Writing is a solitary event, however in the last three years I have learned that there is nothing more satisfying to this writer than knowing I'm not on the journey alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking this journey with me.**

 **To everyone who ever followed, favored, or reviewed this extra special thank you is for you. You have made me smile and given me a new confidence in my writing. Knowing that you were out there has even kept me going sometimes. It is hard to see this end.**

 **But of course, through it all the biggest thank you has to be to Bahrfamily, without her encouragement I may not have pushed the button to start all of this. Without her help, suggestions, questions, and hard work, it wouldn't have turned out as good as it did.**

 **This is not good-bye, simply because I'm still writing. It will probably be two or three months before I start publishing the next story. Although I have started it, I need to get further into it before I start publishing it. This one is going to be more of a... challenge. If you aren't currently following me, and you want to make sure that you don't miss the next installment on my writing please take the time to follow me. That will make sure that you are notified when the first chapter of the next story does come out. In the mean time I may publish a few more POV's for the Random Voices series and maybe a few scenes for Random Moments. No promises on either of those, we'll have to see what the future holds.**

 **All good things must come to an end, so this is it, the long promised Epilogue that includes Tobias and Beatrice.**

 **Thank you all again for EVERYTHING.**

 **Savanah Rose**

 **Epilogue Tobias and Beatrice**

Two years ago, at Ezekiel's Choosing Ceremony, the unthinkable happened again. That time, it was a skinny boy in gray, with deep dark blue eyes filled with fear and determination. His name echoed in my mind as if I might forget it: "Tobias Eaton, Tobias Eaton, Tobias Eaton." The same young boy I met one day outside of Lincoln Park Zoo. The child that had made me wonder if I would change his destiny if I encouraged him to climb a statue with Zeke. I didn't encourage him to do anything outside of Faction norms, and yet here he is, becoming one of us.

Somehow, instead of being in the next car with the rest of the initiates, he ended up in the same train car as the members. At the beginning of the ride, he talked to Tori and Amar. It made me wonder if there was a reason Tori seemed to have taken him under his wing. Nick and I were close enough to overhear their conversation. When Amar asked him his name, I was shocked to hear him tell Amar to call him "Stiff" for all he cared. I remembered his name and wondered why he was trying to hide who he really was.

He turned away from them and watched the ground. As we crept up on the rails, he crouched near the door, his head buried in his hands. I remember guessing that fear of heights would be in his future, but if it is one of his fears, he has hidden it well. I noticed his hand wrapped in a strip of his gray t-shirt. It was stained red with drops of blood coming from it. I hadn't been to a lot of Choosing Ceremonies, but I had never seen or even heard of anyone cutting himself so deeply.

"He'll be okay," Nick leaned over and whispered to me.

I wondered why he would he tell me Zeke would be okay? Of course Ezekiel would be okay. Even with the changes they made to initiation, I was not worried about my son. He's Dauntless. It was then that I realize he had caught me watching this newcomer in gray.

I smiled my old Abnegation smile at him.

"Times may be changing, but Zeke is a Pedrad. We'll always know a good Stiff when we see one." Nick grinned at me and nudged me with his shoulder.

Stiff. Somehow, in the last twenty years, "Stiff" has gone from a nickname Eli gave me, to a term of scorn. I haven't heard it used in a friendly manner since Eli's death.

By the time Ezekiel befriended him, just like Nick predicted, there was no Tobias Eaton; there was no "Stiff". He became Four, a young man who struggled then, and struggles now, to find and define himself in this faction so much more than I ever did. But he had no Leeann, there from the first day, trying to help him fit in. Our faction changed. It's no longer a faction built on teamwork and trusting each other. It's now filled with backbiting and clawing to survive. That shows up more in initiation than anywhere else.

Four.

Amar is the one who gave him the nickname. Amar. I close my eyes when I think of him. Amar is "dead." In this faction, I alone know the real story. Everyone else believes he "died" during Zeke's, Shauna's, and Four's initiation, so during this initiation class, it will be two years since we lost him – just like we lost Trina and Ava and George and Marley and so many others. No one knows – not Nick, not Leeann, not even Amar – but I kept my word to Natalie. When it was time to get him out, I helped her.

The day Jeanine and her assistant showed up at meal time and took Four and Amar away, my old intuition told me something was wrong. It took a day to figure out how to get in touch with Natalie. When I figured it out, it was so ridiculously simple that I felt silly. All I needed was to take one of my walks through the Factionless sector. A can of peaches and two jars of peanut butter got a note to her. I felt stupid that it took me a day to remember than Natalie's job description includes organizing the volunteers who help the Factionless. They all know who she is.

We met, for the last time, in her old room. Oddly enough, after all these years, someone rediscovered it recently and put it back in the housing pool. She was already making plans to get Four out if she needed to. I should have realized that Natalie would already know what was going on.

But Four had already been cleared. Jeanine doesn't suspect him, but Natalie does. He's Ezekiel's friend. Another person to keep an eye on.

Natalie knew it was Amar who was being watched. Jeanine researched his background and found that Jazz and Rais died in the train wreck, and now she suspects Amar.

Natalie gave me her tablet for the night and, while she returned to Abnegation to set things up, I spent the night in her old room. I made the clip of him jumping off the top of the Pire. Nick somehow believed my flimsy excuse to be gone that night, and I stayed up all night, creating the recording to back up the witness's story. I used old footage that we had never used before, the footage of Jude falling off the roof of the Pire. There were two camera angles that didn't show Chaz, or me, or Eli up there. I replaced Jude with Amar, frame by frame, and in the other ones, I removed us first before cutting in an old clip of Amar walking.

The next night, I used Nick's trick for getting Rob or Chaz to suggest the group go to the fights. It would have been suspicious for it to have been my idea. Half way through, I left Uriah with Nick, pleading a headache, and headed up to the roof of the Pire. Since I no longer have access to the Control Room except when I visit Carly, I went to the roof and plugged the recording directly into the cameras. I'm the one who changed the remaining cameras' feed to the recording.

Natalie is the one who actually got him out. He never saw me. She promised not to tell anyone, even Amar, that I helped.

I've only seen Natalie once since then, when she assured me he is safe, somewhere outside the fence. It was my last gift to Jazz, Rais, Sultana, and Kamil. They might be gone, but because of Natalie and me, he lives.

It was odd, that first time I was with Zeke and he wanted to stop by Four's room. That long forgotten, seemingly abandoned room has an occupant again. When I walked in, I found myself looking for Natalie. All I saw was her ghost sprawled across the chair, smiling at me. Then I noticed the Erudite quilt, still on the bed. Again, I found myself wondering if Natalie was right about Four being Divergent, but if he is, I suspect he's Abnegation and Dauntless, not Erudite and Dauntless. Although from what Zeke says about his work in the control room, I guess that's not out of the question.

I give my head a little shake. I need to stop dwelling on the past and check on Uriah. We need to catch the train to the Hub soon.

I watch him for a moment, unseen in the bathroom mirror. He plays around with his tie, seeing what kind of odd angles he can make it go. A smile traces my lips and for a moment I see all three of my boys, Eli strong and alive while Zeke and Uriah are small, standing there playing with their ties. Then Eli's imaginary reflection disappears, and I see the memory of Zeke and Uriah playing the same game before Eli's funeral. I blink and only Uri, gown up and handsome like his dad, remains.

He sees me watching him and takes off the tie. As far as I know, he hasn't worn one since Eli's funeral. "It looks better without it," I tell him. He still has problems with things that he associates with his father's death. "We need to be going."

Ezekiel is coming off the late shift in the Control room, so he will miss Uriah's choosing. "But I know he's staying," Ezekiel told me yesterday with complete confidence. "I'll wait at the net with Four and help Uri out of the net."

Like last time, Nick will be with me when Uriah makes his choice. I am not as confident as Ezekiel about Uriah's choice.

I'm afraid he'll go.

I'm terrified he'll stay.

Uri is Eli's son. I know it in my bones. I keep that knowledge locked deep inside of me. There is no one in my circle I can confide in. No one but Tori and Abilyn know about Divergent. Abilyn would be distrustful, and while Tori would be sympathetic, she doesn't know about Eli.

All I can think is, I don't want my son to leave me. I want my son to be safe. I'm just not sure Dauntless is safe for him anymore. So part of me hopes he will follow his inheritance from his great-great-great-grandma Vi and from Abram, and who knows who else, and leave for Amity today. There he will discover his aunt Tami, like Sophie discovered me, and be somewhere peaceful and safe.

But deep down, I don't expect him to.

When we get to the Hub, I watch the mass of gray marching up the stairs. I hate even the thought of climbing up the stairs. I will always love running down the stairs. I just don't try jumping over the rails any more. I have accepted that without Eli's help, I will always be too short for that.

When we reach the top, I walk with Uriah to the center circle. Part of me longs to whisper good-bye to him – to give him the same gift of freedom my family gave me.

But I won't bother saying it, because I already know he won't take it.

He won't take it, because he won't understand it.

When we reach the circle, I see that Natalie is already there with her children. Just one girl, rosy-cheeked, in a yellow dress indicating she's from Amity, separates her daughter from my son. They stand almost as close as we did all those years earlier when we traded places with each other. Our eyes catch, and we nod at each other, Abnegation style. I watch Andrew kiss their daughter's forehead, and with smile, inform their children he will see them soon. There is a look in Natalie's eyes that makes me wonder if he is correct.

Abnegation would probably be the safest place for Uriah, but in spite of his Abnegation heritage – of which he is completely unaware– there is not a single Abnegation bone in my son's body. I can't send him there. I have to let him make his own choice. Even if I know it isn't the safest one.

I don't want to embarrass Uriah, so my good-bye to him is short. He grins his father's grin at me, happy and carefree. My heart lurches. Uriah's face always gives it away to me when he is struggling with something. He isn't struggling, which means he's not going anywhere.

Abnegation, and therefore Marcus Eaton, is in charge this year. I suppress a shudder. Even as kids, I never liked him. I saw him often, back when I worked in the control room. I remember one time that I spotted him with his wife. He jerked her arm sharply as they walked down the street. I think about the fact that his wife had broken her arm and Natalie had to watch Tobias once. I consider the fact that she left _Abnegation_ and became Factionless. I can't help but wonder how many of the Erudite stories about him are true, but I will never ask Four. He doesn't know how much I know about him. He doesn't realize how much he knows about me.

I let Marcus's words wash over me, not really listening. My eyes wander around the room, trying to stay away from Natalie and Andrew. I want to look at her. I want to see her reaction. I want to signal to her that I will meet her somewhere tonight or tomorrow. My last child is leaving the house today. I could go back to helping her. It wouldn't be as bad now, if something happened to me. But how much can I really help her from the records room? No, I need to keep the past the past. I am too old to start again.

And then suddenly it starts. The first child stays in Amity. Marcus continues to call them one at a time.

At first they all stay in their factions of birth. Then James stumbles up; James, Angie and Rob's son, who carries no mark of our faction on his body. When he leaves us for Candor, it is really not much of a surprise, but still the Faction makes the appropriate noise.

Nick leans in and whispers to me, "No surprise there."

It's not, but that doesn't mean I don't feel for Angie and Rob right now. Their son is gone.

I watch Caleb Prior as he transfers to Erudite, finally risking a glance at Natalie. She is calm. It is Andrew, with his clenched hands, that catches my eyes. He may have come from Erudite, but the fact that Caleb is returning there is an unpleasant shock to him.

The rest of the Faction murmurs in disbelief. Natalie has no reaction at all. I think about the look on her face earlier and wonder if she expected it.

The next one up is her daughter, Beatrice. It has been more than a decade since I have seen her. Yet there is something about the way she carries herself, which would have made me pick her out as Natalie's daughter even if I hadn't seen them together. Caleb may have gotten Natalie's eyes, but Beatrice inherited her bearing. She has Natalie's quiet strength.

When her blood falls between Abnegation and Dauntless, I feel a jolt, like I did when I realized George was Divergent. I watch her carefully. Was that a mistake? Is it an omen?

When she selects Dauntless, my face turns to Natalie. My hand starts for my eye to rub it, to let Natalie know I will keep an eye on her daughter. Before I can signal her, I notice her hand tracing the inside of her sleeve, our signal from so long ago. I rub my eye. Her daughter is Divergent. I'm now watching over her.

The girl from Amity makes her choice and stays in Amity, and it is Uriah's turn. When he chooses Dauntless, It is my turn to run my finger around the bracelet I wear. Natalie rubs her eye.

If and when the time comes, we'll take them outside of the fence – together.


End file.
